


C

by LetBuckyRest



Category: Phandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:33:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 244,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21998317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetBuckyRest/pseuds/LetBuckyRest
Summary: personal // just saving this here so it's online





	1. Chapter 1

Charlie 🎄  
25 September 2019  
00:04  
May 🌈  
Hiii Kik? ❤  
00:05  
Charlie 🎄  
Hi, yeah it’s me!  
00:05  
May 🌈  
As it turns out, it isn't the caffeine, mornings, or even the park that makes their little morning routine special: it's just Phil. As they walk down the street together in silence, Dan smiles to himself at the thought. All that really matters to Dan is the promise that every day, he and Phil can have their special, (mostly) anonymous time in London. Dan doesn't really need any PDAs, though maybe they should talk about that sooner or later now that they're finally out. Not today. Dan will be in no place to make big decisions like that when he isn't in his right mind, even if he really, really wants to hold Phil's hand right now. No, that's a bad idea, he's sure of it. Regardless of their professional lives, Dan isn't willing to put Phil in any amount of danger just to hold his hand in the park. This is reality, and it still is not safe to be out like this. Once the two reach their usual duck-watching spot, Dan asks, "You remember our first walk? In Rawtenstall, when I visited you that first time?" Dan can't help but smile, the bags under his eyes wrinkling fondly, "We laid in the snow and got absolutely soaked because we didn't want to go in. Oi, that stupid gay angel show made me all nostalgic."   
00:18  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiled, and sits down on the bench next to Dan, watching the ducks while Dan speaks. They’re sitting rather close together, their legs touching from hips to knees, and Phil lets a hand rest quietly against Dan’s leg. PDA is still a difficult subject. Because they’re out now, and they’ve received nothing but love and support online, from people who know them. Their friends and families have all been supportive for the most part, but strangers in the street are too unpredictable. It’s not necessarily safe to be as open as they’d like to be. Not yet. But it’s later in the evening now, and the park is quiet, the only people around being a few joggers, and a couple small families. So Phil allows this one careful touch, knowing he’d pull back in an instant if anyone approached them. “Hard to believe that was almost ten years ago.” He smiled fondly. “Where’s the time gone?” He laughs, giving Dan’s leg a little squeeze. “A lot has changed since then, hasn’t it? We’ve come a long way.” And they had. They’d both grown and changed in so many ways. For the better, Phil thought. Definitely for the better.  
08:51  
May 🌈  
Dan takes an easy look over Phil's shoulder to be entirely sure nobody's around, and of course, they aren't. Phil feels just the same protective instincts for Dan as Dan does for Phil, he would never put Dan in a precarious situation. Dan pulls his foot up to rest on his knee just near Phil's hand to shield it from any nosy eyes across the pond. Dan rests his arms on the back of the bench, and if one arm just so happens to ghost just behind Phil's shoulders, that must be a coincidence, innit? Dan agrees, "So much. It's mad." He looks over the pond at the ducks instead of at Phil's beautiful face, and it's enough to feel Phil's hand, hear his voice. And his laugh, Jesus. Phil's laugh is music. "We're old now," Dan jokes half-heartedly. "Actually. Ten years seems too short. It feels like a lifetime ago." Dan closes his eyes, letting himself relax, "I feel like a completely different person. But we haven't changed all that much, have we? Everything else has, but not us. We're still joined at the hip." That's one thing that will never change. Dan will always love Phil, there's no other options for him, really. He doesn't know how to be without Phil, and he wouldn't have it any other way.   
08:57  
Charlie 🎄  
“We’re both really different.” Phil says, watching a few of the ducks come to land to waddle around. He loves watching them. “Individually, we are. But together, I think we’ve stayed a lot the same.” He smiles. Somehow, after ten years, all the personal growth and changes they’ve both been through, they have only managed to get more compatible over time. They never drifted apart, and Phil didn’t think they ever would. “Dan from ten years ago was very different.” He says softly, his thumb pressing little circles against Dan’s leg. “You were so... I don’t know. Guarded. You built a lot of walls around yourself back then. You were scared. But it’s not like that so much anymore.” He smiled.  
09:09  
May 🌈  
Dan listens to Phil's words curiously, interested and maybe a little saddened that that's what Phil first thinks of when he thinks back to Dan as a teenager. "You know that generic question we always get for Q&As, 'If you could go back in time and tell yourself anything, what would it be?' I would tell myself I don't have to do that with you," Dan admits honestly. "I try not to regret a lot because a lot of it wasn't my fault, I was just a kid, but I really do regret that. You were so, so sweet. So good to me, and I still pushed you away a lot of the time. Wasted a lot of time that way." Dan remembers kissing Phil the first time, but he also remembers coming home and crying alone in his bedroom because he was so scared. Dan shakes his head at the memory, murmuring, "So stupid." Phil's fingers are a nice reminder to come back to the present, to try really, really hard to focus on the good, "I figured it out eventually, yeah?" He mentions, "You were… just so, so sweet. So patient and fun. I don't think any of that's changed. All of that is just different now. It's more… I don't know. You're happier now. That's all that really matters to me."   
09:16  
Charlie 🎄  
“I wouldn’t change it.” Phil says, shaking his head and looking over at Dan properly now. “You had to go through that to get where we are now.” He says. “And it was hard, and it was sad, and it hurt a little bit, or... a lot. But we wouldn’t be as strong as we are now without it.” He said. They’d had their ups and downs. They’d seen each other at their worst. Or at least, they’d seen each other pretty bad. They’d fought, and argued, and they’d had bad days, and Phil sometimes wondered if they were going to make it. And they did. They came through it every time, and they would come through this too. These next few days would be hard, but they had to happen in order for Dan to reach the next step, with a better medication and more stability. Things couldn’t be good all the time. That was one thing Phil knew well.  
09:36  
May 🌈  
Dan looks at Phil, too, trying to figure out what he's really trying to say here. All that 'take the good with the bad' talk doesn't quite resonate with Dan the way it does Phil. Dan's shitty life experiences have been the result of shitty people in his life making shitty choices, so his perspective is that shitty things don't have to happen. Phil is different. When bad things happen to Phil, it's unavoidable, like death and cancer. To Phil, bad things must happen for some ineffable reason, because otherwise, nobody has any control over any of it, and bad things are more than just bad, they're overwhelming. Dan rubs Phil's shoulder soothingly. He can't identify with the way Phil things about these things, but he understands that when bad things happen, like Dan's body becoming immune to his antidepressants, Phil has to see it this way to feel better about it. Dan nods in understanding, "I guess you're right," he smiles, "like always. I should listen to you more." Dan asks much more light-heartedly, "What's next for us, do you think, Philly? Obviously, we'll just keep getting better forever, but what do you think it'll be?"  
09:42  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sees the look on Dan’s face, and knows he’s thinking hard about something. What, Phil can’t be sure. And he’s about to ask, when the subject changes. Phil lets it change. “I’m gonna marry you.” He said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. “One day. When we’re both good and ready.” He added. That wasn’t something they could rush. They’d take their time, and wait for the right moment. But Phil couldn’t imagine it not happening. “Well, okay maybe that’s not the very next step.” He said after a moment. “First I want to buy a house. And get all settled in. And then a dog, of course.” He smiled. “And maybe then I’ll marry you.” He chuckled. “If that’s something you want.” He added. Phil didn’t honestly mind either way. Marriage or not, he just wanted Dan to be a part of his life forever.  
10:01  
May 🌈  
Dan thinks he has some right to be surprised by Phil's response. Sure, he's said it before, but never outside the bedroom, not seriously, at least Dan thought. His cheeks blush and he looks at Phil like he's crazy for actually wanting to marry Dan. In the midst of a mental health crisis, Phil still actually wants to marry Dan. Dan doesn't think there's any bounds at all to Phil's heart. He just loves who and what he loves as though completely unaware of any consequences involved. That's one thing Dan doubts will ever change. Dan knows Phil saved his life, but in this moment, he feels particularly passionate about Phil. Moments like these, Dan isn't thinking about all the issues surrounding that, all he can see is how much he loves Phil. Dan nods, hanging on Phil's every word. He's a little speechless, for once, so he scrambles to say something so as not to leave Phil hanging, "Of course. Yes." Dan laughs a little, actually feeling a little overwhelmed. How can Phil so casually offer Dan so much more than all he's ever wanted? It isn't casual to Dan, "Where do you want a house? Here in London?" Dan doesn't think they'd have a chance at affording that with the current trajectory of their YouTube careers, but he'll move mountains to make Phil's dreams come true.   
10:08  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sees the stunned look on Dan’s face and he realizes a moment too late that this isn’t the sort of topic he can just spring on him like that. Dan is the type who needs to work himself up to big decisions like that. It needs to happen slowly for him, so he can weigh all the pros and cons and really make up his mind. Phil just knows. He feels no need to question it, to worry over it the way Dan does. He’s in love, and he wants a lifetime with this man, and that’s that. But Dan needs time. Part of Phil knows that Dan needs time not only to weigh pros and cons, but also to convince himself that he deserves it. That he’s allowed to be happy. And that’s okay. There was no rush. They had a lifetime, after all. “Not right in London.” Phil said, shaking his head. “Somewhere more quiet I think.” He smiled. A nice little house with a big yard for their dog, and perhaps a couple of extra bedrooms, just in case. Room to grow, as it were.  
10:47  
May 🌈  
"What, back up North? After I rescued you from that place?" Dan asks teasingly, "You'll make a country boy out of me yet, Lester." As if. Dan will follow Phil anywhere, but he'll always be a city person. He's spent a decade with Phil, and none of his Northern culture has rubbed off on Dan yet. Well, except maybe a handful of endearing things. He hums as he thinks aloud, "I've heard good things about Brighton. Cambridge is… pretentious, but quiet, if it's not too near the university." He mentions, "I wouldn't mind living closer to your parents. Free babysitting." That's an interesting, horrifying Freudian slip. Shit. Dan quickly corrects himself, "For the dog. Dog-sitting. Whatever. It'd be weird not to live right down the road from Martyn and Cornie, though. And our friends. We'd have to come visit more often. Hence the… dog-sitting." Dan clears his throat and looks back out at the ducks, all calmly paddling along together in the water. It would be easier to be a duck than a person.   
10:52  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil senses that it’s a topic Dan isn’t willing to discuss further at this particular time, so he doesn’t push it. He just gives Dan’s leg a gentle squeeze, hoping the gesture would come across as a silent little ‘yeah, me too.’ That’s all they needed for now. The knowledge that they were on the same page. They didn’t have to talk it out further. They had ages for that. “I’d like to be a bit closer to home.” He nodded. “But not all the way up north, I don’t think. I think... you know, we find the midway point. Between your family and mine.” He smiled. That way, they were equally as close to everyone. Not too far from anyone important. But far enough that they could still have their space, and their own lives, outside of their hometowns.  
11:08  
May 🌈  
Dan does not deserve Phil. He just understands Dan, usually in ways Dan doesn't understand himself, and Dan couldn't be more grateful. Dan nods instinctively at Phil's hand, put at ease by his reassurance. Dan has to roll his eyes at Phil - he's too thoughtful. Dan still can't stand his family, well, except for his grandma, of course. But Phil will always want Dan to have the opportunity to be close to his family, anyway. Phil doesn't give up on people. Dan has simply hurt too much, too young for that mindset. He'd much rather be near Phil's family, he feels much closer to them. They've given him nothing but kindness from the start. Dan suggests, "Back to Manchester?" as though that's in any way an equal, fair midway point that isn't at all closer to Rawtenstall than West London. "I think that's fair. Or we can put a dot on a map and try somewhere brand new." Dan wouldn't mind putting on cheesy house-hunting shows for the rest of the week.   
15:33  
Charlie 🎄  
“Manchester could be an option.” Phil says, though it wasn’t exactly the halfway point he imagined. But he knows why Dan is suggesting it. It makes his heart hurt sometimes, seeing the state of Dan’s relationship to his family. Dan still had a hard time with them. And Phil understood, he did. They hadn’t been the nicest to Dan growing up. But there was a part of Phil who would always hold out hope that they could reconcile one day. Phil had always been so close to his family, and he couldn’t imagine losing contact with them. But that seemed to be what Dan preferred. “We’ve got time to think about it, yeah?” He smiles. “Maybe when you’re feeling better, we can book a couple viewings.” He says. A house is an exciting next step, but Dan’s health will always come first.  
23:18  
May 🌈  
Dan nods in agreement, lost in thought for a few moments. "Our own proper home." Dan's of the firm belief that Phil is Dan's home, he could feel at home anywhere with his partner. He felt at home squeezed into a pull-out tour bus bunk all over the world with Phil, and he's felt at home in every apartment they've shared. To tie that label to something else feels too complicated to handle. The last place Dan called home was his childhood home, the place he was neglected, abused, and isolated by his family. That was never his home, not really, and they weren't his family. All of those titles belong to Phil now, and he's never let Dan down, not that the bar was particularly high to begin. But… there's just a lot of emotions tied in, is all. Dan will figure it out. "All the time in the world," Dan agrees, keeping most of his thoughts to himself. He can feel his mood threatening to drop at any moment, affecting his thoughts, but he won't let Phil see that if he can at all help it. "I reckon we've made the ducks wait long enough," Dan pats Phil's shoulder before standing to pull a plastic bag of seeds from the pocket of his skinny jeans. He grabs a pinch and throws it to the pond, birds fluttering to catch a bite. Dan offers the small bag to Phil, knowing how he loves this.   
23:26  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can see the wheels turning in Dan’s head, and he thinks he knows what’s going on in there. Words like “home” and “family” mean something different, something heavier to Dan. Dan’s home, and his family, are largely chosen. Not born. Whereas Phil is the opposite. His family had never been anything but wonderful. Supportive, and loving, and entirely accepting. To the point that he didn’t ever really need to properly come out to them. They caught wind of it through old friends, and it was just never questioned. They treated it as if it were equally as normal as anything else. So Phil had a hard time empathizing with Dan’s situation. But he understood that those words were heavy for him, even if he didn’t fully understand Dan’s experience. He just hoped that one day, the weight of those words would be different. They’d have their own home. Their own family. And their hypothetical kids would grow up the way Phil did, in a loving environment where they could freely be themselves. With parents who got along, who loved each other and their children fiercely. When they had children, if they ever did, they would be ready. That’s one thing Phil had always promised. They would do their best to make sure that they never made their parents mistakes. But it felt like the wrong time to try and put all that into words, so instead, Phil focused on the ducks, taking a handful of seed and sitting down at the waters edge, extending an open palm and grinning as the fat little birds approached, nervous, but curious all the same.  
26 September 2019  
00:16  
May 🌈  
Dan and Phil interact cheerfully with the birds, lots of giggles and coos coming from each of them as they do their best to safely hand feed the ducks. Dan takes pictures of Phil and the ducks that won't ever see the light of day. It's the last lovely evening Dan thinks they'll have for a while. Because, of course, per usual, there is something wrong with Dan, and he'll inevitably bring Phil down with him. Predictably enough, Dan heads back to bed just as soon as they arrive home, exhaustion weighing his bones down. "I'm so tired. Good night, I love you," Dan bids Phil goodnight with a soft kiss, seriously doubting Phil could manage to sleep so early. It takes what's left of his energy to brush his teeth and strip down to his pants before he curls up in bed. Dan and Phil had gotten into quite the nice routine since coming back from tour, off to bed at the same time and waking up at nearly the same time. Dan's too tired to sulk in his unnecessary lonely feelings, he's asleep within minutes. It isn't a very deep or satisfying sleep, and it's plagued with nightmares, but Dan doesn't fuss much at all until morning when a particularly gruesome nightmare has him gasping for air. In his fright, Dan sits up out of bed so quickly, he's too dizzy to shake his legs out from under the duvet. Dan focuses on breathing, his head swirling in a confused daze. Dan doesn't even remember going to bed the previous night.   
00:25  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil was a little later going to bed, he knew he couldn’t sleep that early. He could have gone and lay down with Dan he supposed, but he knew sometimes Dan just liked to be alone. So Phil gave him space, crawling into bed at a more regular time, and sleeping rather soundly curled up next to Dan. Until early morning, when the sudden shift of the blankets made him stir, finding Dan sat bolt upright in bed, seemingly shaking and gasping for breath. He must have had another nightmare. “Hey...” Phil said, his voice groggy and vision blurry without his glasses on. “You okay?” He murmured, reaching out a hand to lazily rub across Dan’s lower back without sitting up. Phil never really knew how to help when Dan had those bad dreams. Dan didn’t like to talk about them, so sometimes, all Phil could do is just be with him in silence.  
00:43  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't even realize Phil is awake until he touches Dan's back. It's shocking in contrast to the mess his head is in right now. He looks at Phil through the darkness, horrified he woke Phil up and brought him into this. Phil should be able to sleep without Dan's disruptions. His groggy voice shakes when he stutters, "I'm-I'm sorry. Christ." He pulls the covers over Phil's shoulders again, his hand shaking more than he'd like it to, "I'm sorry. I'm… I'm fine." His head is swimming in what's left of a vivid nightmare. "I just… I need a- a minute. I'm sorry." Dan pulls his knees to his chest and rubs his eyes like he's trying to rub the images of that horrid nightmare out. It leaves his eyes and something deep in the back of his head aching. Just a dream, not real. Dan repeats that mantra silently until the fear passes, leaving him with exhaustion, guilt, shaking hands, and little else. When Dan is breathing steadily again, he slips out of bed without another word and steps out of their room, headed for the kitchen. He heads straight for their kitchen window, yanks it open, and breathes in the cold air. It's bloody freezing this time of night, but it works wonders to wake Dan up properly. He's here in their flat in London and Phil is safe and warm in their bed. Dan's world is still in one piece. Soon enough, Dan doesn't see bad things behind his eyelids anymore, and he's sure it's passed. He chugs a cup of orange juice, though the sun hasn't even risen yet.   
00:49  
Charlie 🎄  
While Dan works through whatever he’ll his subconscious decided to thrust upon him, Phil just lays there, quietly, continuing to rub gentle circles into Dan’s clammy skin. He has no idea if it helps, but Dan doesn’t stop him. Then Dan stands up and leaves the room, and Phil sighs. Sometimes he wonders what it is Dan dreams about that gets him so worked up. He’ll never answer when Phil asks. And that’s okay, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, he doesn’t have to. Phil just wished he could help. So, he gives Dan a few more minutes alone, before he decides that he’s probably not going to be able to get back to sleep, and he rises as well. He pads out to the kitchen in just his boxers, finding Dan with half a glass of orange juice in his hand. Phil just pats his shoulder gently as he passes, smiling softly as he pulls down a box of cereal. Dan’s cereal, to be exact.  
08:53  
May 🌈  
Phil is beyond perfect. Dan can always trust that whatever he's going through, Phil will always be just a few steps behind, keeping an eye out for Dan. Dan's eyes are red and bleary with tears when Phil joins him in the kitchen, but Phil still looks so beautiful to Dan. Nothing but glasses, boxers, and messy hair, Dan can hardly look away. His delicate touch is such a relief. Dan isn't always so readily comfortable with affection after nightmares or meltdowns or whatever his brain is putting him through, but tonight, he just wants to be close to Phil. He leans to kiss Phil's cheek, his voice low as he mutters, "Thank you. I'm sorry." Dan gives him a nod to show he's okay now, whatever happened in his sleep will stay there, the problem will not persist. He sniffles and rubs his face, "Can I get you some?" He holds up his glass of orange juice to show Phil, "Or… anything?" Dan sets down the glass and closes the window much more carefully than he opened it. He can't have Phil getting chills, he's already woken him up and probably scared him half to death in doing so.   
08:59  
Charlie 🎄  
“Don’t apologize.” Phil shakes his head, smiling sleepily. “I’m just going to have a bit of cereal and maybe we can lay back down?” He suggested. It was unimaginably early. But he knew that Dan often found it hard to go right back to bed after one of these nightmares. Staying up for a bit was usually better, and Phil wouldn’t be able to sleep again until Dan did, he knew. Too much of a worrier, he was. “I’m guessing you don’t want to talk about it?” He added quietly after a moment. Dan never wanted to talk about his dreams, but Phil always gave him the option, even if he never wanted to take it.  
09:17  
May 🌈  
Sometimes, Dan doesn't think Phil understands what's going on in the slightest. Just the day before, or perhaps the day before that, Dan briefly mentioned his past suicidal thoughts and Phil was really torn up about it. Just the mention, but here Phil is, asking Dan to tell him about his literal worst nightmare. Dan isn't bothered by it. If anything, it's a relief that Phil doesn't quite grasp what Dan faces. Dan doesn't want Phil to understand, it's too dark. Phil doesn't need to, anyway. He'll support Dan regardless. Dan just shakes his head in a soft 'no' and jokes, "Balance, love, remember? I've got to save something for my therapist. Can't risk boring her." Dan finishes his orange juice, rinsed the glass, and sets it in the washer. Dan's hands are still shaking a bit, so he doesn't risk bringing cereal into bed with him. He grabs a banana instead, knowing it's for the best he eats something while he's awake. He offers Phil one, too, knowing Phil can, more often than not, eat half their kitchen in one sitting. Dan takes one more glance out the window at the city lights below before heading back to bed with Phil. "I didn't wake you up out of any really good dreams, did I?"  
09:24  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods, and leaves it at that. Curiosity does get to him sometimes. He wonders what could possibly be so bad about these dreams. But part of him knows that maybe he’s better off not knowing. He just likes to make sure Dan knows that he has the freedom to talk about whatever he wants, whenever he needs it. Phil doesn’t ever want Dan to feel like he can’t talk about something. Dan felt that way for too long. But he knew better than to push the topic further. Instead, he took the banana that was offered to him with a soft smile. “No, no dreams.” Phil chuckled. “If I was dreaming, I don’t remember it.” He said. He’d been sleeping like a rock, actually. But he was sure he would rise from the dead if Dan needed him. He always seemed to wake when Dan was in distress, no mater how deeply he’d been sleeping.  
22:52  
May 🌈  
"Mm," Dan chews on his banana slowly as Phil eats his cereal, trying not to think about much at all. He soon falls into an easy, comfortable silence with Phil, too tired to make small talk. Dan doesn't know that his nightmare won't come back for round 2 later this morning, and he shouldn't risk waking Phil again, so he considers spending the night in his own room. The thought of sleeping alone aches too much for Dan to try just now, so he'll just try harder to think good thoughts before he falls back asleep and hope for the best. By now, at least some of Phil's optimism should've rubbed off on him. Dan really misses his meds. He already misses feeling normal. "Hey," Dan speaks quietly when they've finished eating, "Thank you." Dan does not deserve Phil. He doesn't deserve his loyalty or his selflessness. Dan bumps Phil's hip lightly with his own, a ghost of the playful move he pulls when he's feeling light and happy, "I love you."   
23:09  
Charlie 🎄  
For a while, Phil’s focus shifts to his cereal. This is weirdly familiar, in a way. Standing in the kitchen in nothing but his pants, eating cereal in the dark. It was quite serene. He felt like the two of them may very well be the only people in the entire city who were awake right now. And there was a strange sense of calm that came with that. Though he was pulled out of his thoughts when Dan spoke, and he smiled, shaking his head. “For what? I didn’t do anything.” He chuckled. He’d rubbed Dan’s back half-assedly for five minutes, and then he’d come out here for a weird middle of the night breakfast. That wasn’t exactly worthy of praise. “I love you too, though. A lot.” He added, squeezing Dan’s waist as he passed to place his bowl in the sink.  
23:22  
May 🌈  
Is it possible that Phil truly doesn't see what he does for Dan? Doesn't he see how very much every little gesture means to Dan? Sacrificing his own sleep just to make sure Dan isn't alone, making sure Dan eats and cares for himself, always being there to soothe and ground Dan… Can't Phil see how every touch, word, and even look Phil spares Dan means everything to him? Even after all this time, of course, Phil will always mean this to Dan. Dan just smiles through his exhaustion, relieved as ever at the reminder that Phil is in blissful ignorance when it comes to these things. He doesn't see these basic, little things mean so much because he's never been without them. He's always had someone to keep him company during hard times. He's always had someone's love and compassion. Not that Phil doesn't appreciate those things, of course he does, but Phil never fears they'll go away. Phil has always been safe and cared for, and he always will be so long as Dan has anything to say about it. "For keeping me company," Dan responds softly, simply. 'Didn't do anything,' Phil says, like he would be up, anyway, this time of night, as though any sane person wouldn't cast Dan out to his own bed so Phil could get some much-needed rest. Dan feels like proper shit, but god, he loves Phil right on through it. "For being you," Dan adds, hoping Phil chalks up his behavior to sleep-deprivation and a chemical imbalance.   
23:30  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil shrugs again, finding his bowl. “Did you expect me to just lay in there and ignore you?” He laughs. Phil would never. Dan was upset. You didn’t just ignore someone when they were upset. Phil couldn’t imagine. Especially not someone who meant as much to him as Dan did. When it came to the people Phil loved, he loved them fiercely, and without a second thought. He always had. Maybe his parents had a role to play in that. They were always so good at it. They’d have gone to the ends of the earth to make sure Phil and his brother had everything they needed. They probably still would. That’s just how you treated the people who meant the world to you. Though maybe Dan didn’t see it that way. “You’d have done the same for me.” He pointed out. It always felt weird, when Dan thanked him for just... doing the bare minimum. He didn’t deserve praise for doing things that any good boyfriend should do.  
27 September 2019  
00:09  
May 🌈  
"Of course I would," Dan agrees instinctively. There isn't anything Dan wouldn't do for Phil. But maybe Dan expects it to be different for Phil, because he doesn't really entirely understand. Phil doesn't know what it feels like, how should he know how to care for Dan so well? It isn't practice, he's always been this way. Phil always knows the right thing to do, and it still surprises Dan. Maybe Dan still just doesn't expect such blind empathy. He thinks Phil will always manage to surprise Dan with his kind heart. "I guess you're right," Dan agrees, anyway. He pads off to bed with Phil in tow, excited to curl up to Phil. He might not be able to get back to sleep anytime soon, but he can at least rest. His body feels loads heavier than usual, a strangely distant and familiar feeling. He knows exactly what it means, but he isn't used to it anymore. It feels worse than it did before, but maybe that's just Dan's perception. Things have been so good for so long, he's forgotten how bad things were before when violent nightmares were a nightly occurrence and Dan rarely managed to get out of bed, let alone leave the flat. Dan sighs as he crawls into the comfort of their bed and wraps himself around Phil, head pressed right up against Phil's chest so he can listen to his heartbeat.   
03:14  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil follows Dan up the hall without another word, the both of them getting tucked nicely back into bed. Phil pulls the duvet up around them, his arms draping around Dan softly, and just holding him close. He knows Dan May struggle to get back to sleep. But that’s okay. He’s here, and he seems to feel better, and sometimes that’s all Phil can ask for. So for a while they just lay in the dark, with Phil’s fingertips trailing absently up and down Dan’s spine, and after a while of silent thought, Phil speaks. “When you have those nightmares... is there anything I can do to help?” He asked. He didn’t need to know what they were about if Dan felt uncomfortable telling him. But maybe there was something he could do. More often than not, he slept right through it. And Dan never woke him up. Too much pride, maybe. Perhaps he felt like it would be a burden. Phil wouldn’t mind of course, if Dan woke him. But Dan never did. At least not on purpose. Sometimes by mistake, like tonight. And on those occasions, Phil wanted to know what he should be doing.  
08:25  
May 🌈  
Dan isn't sure the right way to answer that question. Phil must know how much he helps just by being here, right? He must know that nothing soothes Dan's soul like Phil's presence after a nightmare about losing Phil. That's what they're all about, sooner or later. Dan isn't so scared by his own trauma or death anymore, but when Phil is brought into it, Dan's nightmares are guaranteed to do the trick. But waking up to see Phil so peacefully sleeping, so unaffected by Dan's worst nightmares, is the only relief he has. Dan doesn't think Phil wants to hear how he does all he can and his presence in Dan's life helps more than he can imagine. That's all established, so Dan tries something else, "I need to know it wasn't real. I know when I wake up and you're here, yeah? But it still feels… it still hurts like it was real. For a while," Dan explains uncomfortably. He never likes bringing Phil into these things. Dan presses a kiss to Phil's soft chest, explaining, "I just need to see you. I need you, Phil. That's all." It's a difficult position, needing to be close to Phil, but not too close. Dan wants to let Phil in, he wants Phil to understand everything about him, he doesn't want secrets. But, some things will always keep Phil at an arm's length. Dan can't let Phil know about the bad things that happen in his mind, no matter how badly he wants to tell his partner. Those things are a part of Dan that Phil isn't allowed to see. Dan has to protect Phil from those parts of himself, and it hurts. It feels lonely and guilty and dirty. It isn't a problem when Dan is medicated, but it hurts more than it should.   
09:03  
Charlie 🎄  
((Hey, just letting you know I might not respond until later. I’m not feeling good right now, and I’m sick!))  
09:52  
May 🌈  
[I'm so sorry to hear!! I hope you feel better soon ❤ drink lots of water and, if you can, have smoothies and kale! 🙏💕]  
14:56  
Charlie 🎄  
((Thank you! I’m sure I’ll be fine in a few days, and I’m feeling slightly better now, but if I do get slow with replies, that’s why!))

Phil listens carefully, and nods. It seems so simple. Too simple. Phil almost feels like there /must/ be something else he can do, besides just... existing. But he takes Dan’s word. If that’s what helps, then Phil is in no position to question that. “I just hate seeing you so scared.” He admits quietly. “I want to help. If there’s any way that I can. But if there’s not, then... I at least want to be there for you.” He said. “I know you hate waking me. But you know you can, if you need it. And if it happens by accident, like tonight, I don’t want you to feel bad, okay?” He says, his fingertips still drawing swirling patterns across Dan’s warm skin. “I know there’s certain things you don’t want me to know, or see, and that’s okay. I just need to know what else I can be doing, if talking about it isn’t an option.” He said. He hoped Dan understood. Phil wasn’t trying to be nosy, or make Dan uncomfortable, or push him to discuss anything. Phil genuinely just wanted to be the best partner he could be, and that came with a bit of a learning curve, even after all these years.  
17:41  
May 🌈  
Phil is too good. Dan would argue better than this world deserves. He knows how anxious Phil can get when he knows he doesn't have any control over anything, Dan wants so badly to give Phil something to hold onto. Dan is affecting Phil and there's nothing he can do about it. It's scary for both of them, Dan can't deny that. All he can do is wait for his body to stabilize so he can start on a new batch of medication, try his hardest to make progress in therapy, and… well, do his best to keep the discrepancy to himself. Dan doesn't know how to fix this. He looks at Phil sadly, helplessly, quietly. He's broken and there isn't anything anyone can do about that right now. "That's the million-pound question," Dan responds quietly. When his eyes tear up, he rests his head against Phil's chest again so his face is turned away from Phil's limited field of vision, feeling like an idiot. More than an idiot, like a burden. He's going down fast and bringing Phil right down with him. He finds one of Phil's hands to hold, trying to relax. "Sorry," Dan mutters.  
17:55  
Charlie 🎄  
“Don’t be.” Phil whispers, squeezing Dan’s hand gently and holding him just a little tighter. “I know it’s probably annoying. Me sticking my nose into everything. I get it.” He said gently. Phil was always so... involved. He was right there, all the time, trying to help, and maybe Dan just didn’t want Phil in his face all the time. It was just part of his nature, he thought. Particularly the mire anxious part of his nature. Bad situations were bound to happen, but it made things easier to handle whenever Phil had some ounce of control. Just knowing there was one little thing he could do that would make the situation better. Even if only slightly, and even if only temporarily. He always tried to find that thing. And maybe that was just annoying, or pushy, or too much. Maybe Dan just doesn’t know the answer. And that’s okay too.  
18:17  
May 🌈  
Dan scoffs, "What the hell are you on about?" He shakes his head in disbelief, "You don't annoy me. Ever. Why would you say that?" Dan looks at Phil in shock, thoroughly confused about his train of thought, "You obviously don't get it, at all. You're trying so hard to fix things for me and I'm just… totally unfixable. Don't you think I want that, Phil? For you to be here, for you to fix me? I want that more than anything. It just isn't possible." Dan wipes his stupid, teary eyes, "Neither of us can fix this. Nobody can fix this. I'm fucked up and that's just how I am. There is something wrong with me. It isn't about us. I know it's affecting us, and it's hurting you, but that's not… You- You're the best thing to ever, ever happen to me. You're my life's best part. You do everything by being here with me. You don't know how important that… You have literally no idea how important you are to me. Just you. You don't have to try." Dan can see he's making Phil feel like he isn't enough and Dan will not stand for that. "This is what I'm like off my meds, yeah? It sucks, but I'm… I'm functional. I'm gonna be okay. If I didn't have you?" Dan asks rhetorically, shaking his head, "No. Not even… I can't imagine. What I'm saying is that all these little things you do that you don't think are anything-" Dan squeezes Phil's hand to show even this is important, "-it's everything to me. No medicine or therapy or… anything, none of does as much for me as you do. You're everything. You don't have to do more. There's nothing left. I'm not annoyed with you, Phil, I fucking love you."  
18:27  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is a little taken back by Dan’s intense rambling. His voice got very firm when he spoke like this. And in the past, that had been a source of some trouble. When Phil would mistake Dan’s passion for annoyance, or anger. But he knew a little better now, and he knew that Dan was really just so passionate about what he was saying. And all Phil could do is listen, until he’s sure that Dan is completely finished. “I’m sorry for phrasing it that way.” He said gently after a moment. “What I mean, is that all of this takes time. To learn, and figure out. It doesn’t just come naturally. Remember how we used to fight when we first moved in together? Because you’d stay in bed all day and I felt like you were just being lazy and avoiding responsibility?” Phil asked softly. “Because I’d never had any real experience with... with this. Being with someone who struggles that way. And that was something I had to unlearn.” He explained. “There’s a lot of things like that, that I’ve had to learn. Like knowing that when you have a bad day you just need passive company. You line it better when I just sit in the same room and edit, or whatever, without fussing over you. Or like knowing that when you say there’s something you don’t want to do, or discuss, then that’s final. Because pushing you will only escalate things. I didn’t just appear in your life knowing those things. I had to learn. And these nightmares... i feel like I haven’t learned this one yet.” He explained softly. He had no idea if it made sense, in his sleepy, hazy mind. But hopefully Dan would get it.  
18:54  
May 🌈  
Everything Phil says just makes Dan feel sicker about what's happening here. They are not understanding each other and Dan doesn't know how to fix that right now. It's like the two are not listening to each other in the slightest. "I don't know what you want," Dan expresses helplessly. "What- what is…" Dan rubs his face in frustration, "It's fine. It's good, it's okay. I don't know what more you want. I'm telling you you're perfect as you are, but you're not listening. Are you just not going to quit until I tell you about my nightmares? They're fucking horrible in every way. All those scary things you think when you wind yourself up about your dad or me or whatever? That, but I'm not in any control, because I'm asleep. All those tricks and techniques my therapist teaches me don't do shit because I'm asleep. Is that what you want to hear? I'm telling you there's nothing to 'learn' or do or whatever, it just is what it is. I don't understand why you're not listening to me." Dan can feel a headache coming on, "It doesn't matter, anyway, I bloody hope, because it will be over soon when I'm on new meds."  
19:00  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil has overstepped. He realizes that only too late. He hadn’t meant to, he was only trying to explain himself, why he felt the need to help, and why he felt that helping Dan wasn’t something that just came naturally to him the way Dan seemed to suggest. This conversation was just... going nowhere. Somewhere there was a misunderstanding, and it was making Dan more upset now, and Phil backed down the second Dan started to seem frantic. “Okay, alright, I’m sorry.” He says softly, hands coming to rest gently against Dan’s waist. “I’m sorry. I hear you.” He assured. He didn’t want this conversation to spiral. Dan was already feeling bad and he didn’t need Phil making it worse. “Lets get some rest, okay?” He suggested, deliberately using the word “rest” and not “sleep” because he knew the latter may not happen tonight.  
19:31  
May 🌈  
"I'm sorry," Dan speaks quietly now, knowing whatever is going wrong must be his fault, because this never happens on normal days, and the only difference now is the pathetic state of Dan's mental health. Phil isn't doing this on purpose, Dan knows that. It's Dan. He can't trust his mind, and he obviously isn't thinking clearly. He wipes his eyes again, frustrated with himself for not catching it sooner. Times like this, it's a relief Phil is blind as a bat. Phil's effectively shut down their conversation because Dan is acting so crazy. Fuck. Dan is fucking up. Maybe any normal person would take this time to self-soothe, but Dan just feels like imploding. He lies back down silently, still cuddled up to Phil. Dan thinks back over their conversation again and again, trying to figure out where Dan is going wrong. Does Phil genuinely not see the good he's done for Dan from the start, even when they argued? Or, is Dan overly romanticizing the part Phil's playing in this journey? Trust does not come easily to Dan, so for Phil to mean so much to Dan… it hasn't come from nowhere. It isn't unwarranted. Phil has been healing Dan long before he started "learning" how to act around Dan. It isn't about the specific things he does, it's about Phil's love for Dan. Dan doesn't want Phil to learn how to treat him, he likes Phil just the way he is. Dan doesn't want anything different. "I love you," Dan reminds Phil softly, because he can't stand the thought of allowing Phil to think for even a moment he's upset with him.   
19:38  
Charlie 🎄  
“I love you.” Phil says in return, pressing a few gentle kisses against the top of Dan’s head. This is just a confusing topic, he thinks. Because Phil has a hard time believing, or understanding, how he could possibly be doing Dan so much good by just doing nothing. How was Phil’s mere existence enough to soothe the pain Dan went through when things were bad like this? Everything Phil did to help Dan cane with effort. It wasn’t just falling out of him unintentionally, was it? No. He paid attention. He listened when Dan spoke. He picked up on little cues and patterns and he learned how to be what Dan needed. It wasn’t like that in the beginning, he didn’t think. Maybe from Dan’s perspective it was different. Phil just didn’t really understand it when Dan said that just being himself was enough, and Phil didn’t need to try. Phil saw some of the best improvements in Dan when he actively tried to help.  
20:06  
May 🌈  
Despite their argument, Phil's touch is enough to soothe Dan back to a calm state. Dan surprises himself by finding sleep that morning. He sleeps with tense muscles and a tight grip on Phil, but it's sleep, and Dan is in no position to be picky about sleep, even if he feels painfully exhausted when he wakes. More nightmares, naturally, but they were less violent and much more tolerable. The light coming in through the nearly-closed curtains hurts Dan's eyes. Today will not be easy. Thinking back on the night before is painful. Dan's such an idiot. He was overwhelmed, yeah, but he never should have spoken to Phil like that. Fuck. Dan rolls over onto his aching back with a shallow sigh and rubs his dry eyes. He has no idea where his phone is, but he reaches over to check Phil's to see the time: 8:37 a.m. Much earlier than Dan expected, but at least last night is finally over.   
22:43  
Charlie 🎄  
Sleep doesn’t come as easily for Phil. It never does. Phil is always the one who stays awake longer than he should, just thinking. This was one of those learning moments he’d been talking about. He should just listen to Dan when he spoke. There was no need to question him. Even if Phil didn’t quite understand what he was saying, he needed to just take Dan’s words at face value. Dan knew how he felt, and Phil did not. And that was just that. He drifts to sleep after a while, though it’s not particularly restful. When Dan rolls away from him in the morning, it’s enough to make him stir, though not enough to totally wake him, not yet. Instead he just rolls over, curling up with the duvet pulled over his head, feeling a little colder without Dan pressed right up to him.  
23:05  
May 🌈  
Dan watches Phil sleep for a few minutes, half expecting him to wake up. Dan rarely gets away with waking up first. Phil must have been up all night. Dan should just sleep on his own tonight, give Phil some peace. He slips out of bed as quietly as he can to hop in the shower, but not before carefully throwing a second blanket over Phil to keep him warm. He'll get ready for the day, cook something nice for when Phil wakes up, and clean the kitchen, then they'll be off to a good start. If Dan can work harder to ignore his shitty feelings, they can have a good day, and Dan doesn't have to bring Phil down. Dan can give Phil a good day to try and make up for last night. Predictably enough, his optimism doesn't last long. Dan soon finds himself totally still in the hot shower, just staring into nothingness. Every little movement is sluggish, Dan just can't find the energy. His muscles are aching and heavy, his mind just as slow. The fog is back, and Dan can hardly think. When he finally gets out of the shower, he sits on the edge of the tub with a towel wrapped around him for all too long. He has no idea what time it is when he finally crawls back into bed with nothing but his briefs on, curls and skin still damp. Dan could sleep for days now, he's sure. He buries his face in his pillow uncomfortably, not that his comfort really matters.   
23:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sleeps for a while longer, and when he wakes, the bed next to him is empty. He can hear the shower running though, and he takes that as a victory. They have to just take this one day at a time. Yesterday was over, and they could put it behind them. Tomorrow was too far in the future to worry about. So they could just focus on today. On right now. And right now, Dan is up and showering unprompted, and that’s a good sign. Unless perhaps he had another nightmare, unbeknownst to Phil. But even still, at least he was up. Phil found himself still quite groggy though, and he drifted in and out of sleep for a while longer, until he felt the bed next to him become occupied again. He reached out blindly with one hand, eyes still closed, half asleep, and just allowed his fingertips to come into contact with Dan’s skin. Just for a moment. That’s all he needed, just the tiny physical reassurance that Dan was still here. “Morning.” He mumbled, though still not fully alert.  
28 September 2019  
12:23  
May 🌈  
Dan mutters something kin to an apology, though his words are mostly indistinct, even to himself. Phil's fingers feel nice, but he can't imagine his wet shoulder is particularly nice to feel first thing in the morning, so he does his best to adjust so he can hold Phil's hand in his own. Or, at least, he tries. The movement is eerily slow, but it's a comfort to have Phil's hand in his own. Dan feels so massively guilty, on top of everything else. He keeps hearing himself practically shout at Phil last night, it plays over and over. And now, he's about to ruin Phil's day by wasting it all in bed. Dan squeezes Phil's hand and mumbles, "Try and go back to sleep, love." Phil always sleeps better with Dan there, even if they're cross with each other. Phil has every right to be so with Dan, but the only person Dan's upset with is himself. Maybe if they can both sleep another hour or so, they'll feel better. Well, Phil will feel better, and that's all that really matters to Dan. Dan can't feel okay unless Phil does.   
12:32  
Charlie 🎄  
Contrary to what Dan’s brain is telling him, Phil feels fine. Their discussion from the night before still hangs in the air, but Phil isn’t upset about it. He’s certainly not upset with Dan. He’d pushed too far when he shouldn’t have, there’d been a misunderstanding, something got lost in communication, and Dan got frustrated. That was that. It was over now, and Phil would do better to just... be himself, or whatever, instead of constantly trying to ask Dan how he could help. Today, he knew Dan would be pretty much down and out. He could tell from the fact that he hadn’t even dried off after getting out of the shower. So, today would be slow. By now, Dan’s last dose of medication should be almost completely gone from his system, and today would mark the beginning of the hardest part of all this. A few days being fully unmedicated while his body cleared out. Then he’d get a new prescription, and that would take some time to build in his system, and then, maybe then, things would start getting back to normal. Today though, wasn’t going to be like that. “C’mere.” Phil mutters sleepily, reaching out to wrap his arms around Dan’s damp body, curling up to him with a sleepy smile. “Smell nice.” He mumbled.  
15:15  
May 🌈  
Leave it to Phil to look right past Dan's failure to even finish a shower properly to say he smells nice. He doesn't even get irritated when Dan can't bring himself to turn over to hold Phil, he just rolls over and does the work himself. "You always smell nice," Dan retorts quietly. He says it to make Phil laugh, but it's absolutely true. Dan's just so enamored with Phil, he's more than accustomed to his scent. If he had the energy, he might have pulled on one of Phil's hoodies today to comfort him. He turns his head, at least, to kiss whichever part of Phil happens to be near his face right then. Dan eventually turns to get them both into a more comfortable position and pull Phil properly close. Dan plays with some of the hair on the back of Phil's neck in an attempt to soothe him back to sleep. Maybe it isn't too late for Phil to slip back into sleep. Dan pulls the duvet and blanket up over his partner's shoulders once more, his own eyes shut to keep the faint light out. Everything is too much for Dan right now. It all hurts just a bit and all those bits add up. It isn't stopping anytime soon.   
16:41  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil drifts in and out for a while longer, though he knows his time for deep rest is over. Now he’s just being lazy. But that’s okay, he thinks. He’ll get up in a little while, and make breakfast. He’ll see if Dan will eat, and then, maybe they’ll just lay around and watch Netflix all day. Or Phil could edit, he supposed. Respond to some emails he was sure were starting to pile up. Something. He’d figure it out. Right now, he was perfectly content to lay here in Dan’s arms. He knows Dan is hurting. And Phil doesn’t know exactly how to help. He can’t help, he supposed. That was kind of the point if their little spat the night before. But he refused to let Dan believe he was broken, because he wasn’t. He wasn’t broken, or sick, or damaged. His brain was just wired a little differently, and it took a little extra work to maintain. That’s all. And Phil didn’t want Dan to believe any different. But now wasn’t the time to broach that subject. So instead, he broached the topic of breakfast. “Hungry?” He asked simply, pressing his lips against Dan’s collarbone.  
17:14  
May 🌈  
Dan resists the urge to groan or roll his eyes when Phil suggests breakfast. That isn't helping any of this. Just a few short hours ago, breakfast seemed more than doable, Dan was certain he could take care of all of it on his own. He feels totally dependent, and it feels terrible. Dan sighs and admits, "Not really." He works up the energy to roll over, anyway, to sit up. Phil's right, it's time to get out of bed, at least for a while. He knows it's good to get up and move around, especially when it's hard. Dan doesn't want to be this way. Maybe it will help to force himself up and about. It makes Dan feel sick, but he pushes himself up out of bed. The yellow color is practically obscene, but Dan pulls on the first hoodie of Phil's he can find lying around the messy space. He's right, it does smell of Phil, and it does feel nice, though perhaps not in the same way it usually does. Dan uses the wall for balance as he heads down the hall, feeling the physical effects of his drugs much more than the emotional. He can control his emotions, for the most part, but that chemical imbalance is a bitch. He is not looking forward to later this week when he starts getting actual withdrawal symptoms. Maybe. Depending on how his body reacts. Who knows? Drugs are a bit touch and go.   
17:20  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil hadn’t exactly meant that Dan had to get up. He’d been planning on going to make breakfast, and bring it back here. Romantic breakfast in bed, or whatever. But, Dan had other plans it would seem. And Phil didn’t argue. He just got up, and stretched, slipped into a pair of bottoms and a hoodie, and put on his glasses, before making his way up the hall to the kitchen with Dan. He tried to just make it all feel as normal as possible. Maybe Starbucks and ducks wouldn’t happen this morning, but instant coffee and funny bird videos on the TV would do just as well. So he clicked the button on the kettle, pulling down two mugs by instinct, and beginning the process of making two cups of coffee. “I’m thinking scrambled eggs this morning.” He said absently, opening the fridge door as he spoke. “And pancakes. What do you think?”  
29 September 2019  
00:32  
May 🌈  
Dan adores Phil's cooking, but right now, all he feels is dread, if anything at all. He leans against the counter, his gaze falling distantly. Dan couldn't articulate what he's feeling right now, it's all too fuzzy and wrong. He finally just shakes his head and mutters, "Doesn't matter. Whatever you like." He doesn't mean to write Phil off, truly. He's just finding himself in a bad place he doesn't want to expose Phil to. It's safer to stay quiet than risk blowing up on him. None of this feels right. Dan is usually the active one in the mornings, Phil needing some time for his coffee to sink in before he's really awake. Dan doesn't think he's felt this low in years and it feels like he's quickly approaching step 1 again, like all the hard work he's made over these last years has been for nothing. Which, obviously it isn't true, but Dan can't help fearing the worst right now. He turns his head to look out the window, hoping to distract himself. It's smoggy and cloudy, there isn't much to look at like there is at night when all the city lights illuminate those dark clouds. Dan means to help Phil instead of just standing around, but just focusing and being present is proving difficult. Dan doesn't want to get in the way and make things more difficult on Phil.  
00:39  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can tell that Dan isn’t really all there this morning. He hasn’t seen Dan like this in a long time. So distant, detached. The walking human embodiment of ‘the lights are on, but nobody’s home.’ And Phil knows that trying to reach through the fog is unlikely to work. Dan will eventually come back to him. Phil knows this. But it’s always hard to see it. For now, he decides to focus on breakfast. Scrambled eggs, bacon, and pancakes. By the time the food is on the plates, Dan is still staring out the window, and Phil wonders what he’s seeing out there. He places their plates on the table, and moves to Dan’s side, gently placing a hand at the small of his back. “C’mon, come have breakfast.” He smiles softly. Dan May not eat much. Or, he may be ravenously hungry. It goes either way sometimes. But if Dan can at least get down a few bites, Phil will be happy.  
10:33  
May 🌈  
"Hm?" Dan finally looks at Phil when he feels his hand on his back, a tad confused about what he wants. Food. Breakfast. Right. He joins Phil at the table with a quiet "thank you" before starting to eat. It's much less comforting than usual, but it's familiar, and Dan knows he still needs to take care of himself when it's difficult. He tries to think of small talk, but all he usually says is just not appropriate to bring up today. 'How did you sleep?' 'Did you have any dreams?' 'Do you want to film today?' 'Let's do something fun today.' Things aren't normal and it's Dan's fault. Dan can't quite finish his plate of food, but he chugs down his coffee easily, hoping it will wake him up. It'll likely just make him shaky, but it'll be better than the pessimistic nothingness he feels now. When the coffee is all gone, Dan just stares into space again, trying to think of something to say that won't upset Phil. He doesn't like 'thank you's very often because Dan seems to thank him for the wrong things. There's nothing really normal to talk about. It isn't uncomfortable, because Dan never feels uncomfortable around Phil, but it sure makes Dan feel not good enough for Phil. "Hey," Dan requests Phil's attention quietly, thinking maybe things will feel better when last night's mess is resolved. "I'm really sorry for last night. Just… all of it."  
11:28  
Charlie 🎄  
They eat in silence, until most of the food is gone, and their coffee cups are dry, and then Dan begins to speak, and Phil smiles softly at him. “It’s okay, love.” He said. And it was. It was fine. Dan had done nothing wrong. It’s not like he could control the nightmares, or his own reaction to them. And Phil shouldn’t have pushed him to talk about it. “I... I think I get what you were saying now. Maybe. I’ve been thinking about it. And I think I understand.” He said. When things were bad, Phil always felt the need to /do/ something. To fix it. But that wasn’t always possible, and Dan didn’t always want that. Sometimes Phil couldn’t do anything except be in the room. Because this, Dan’s depression, wasn’t fixable. It was treatable, manageable, but it would never just go away. There was no fixing it, and there was no fixing any of the symptoms that came with it. And that was something Phil sometimes needed a reminder of.  
11:58  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't know why he still sometimes expects Phil to be angry with him. Dan isn't even sure he knows what Phil looks like angry, except maybe sometimes when he just cries because he feels so out of control. That isn't angry to Dan. Angry to Dan is screaming blame, shame, threats, and accusations, angry to Dan is hitting, grounding, and isolating, angry to Dan is the silent treatment for days on end. At least, it was. Most days, none of this has to matter, but depression has a way of bringing it all back. Dan feels better already. "Can I try again?" Dan asks uncertainly, not quite knowing where to start, or if Phil even wants to hear it. "I don't want to leave you in the dark. I know that makes you nervous, right?" Dan takes a deep breath, trying to muster up some kind of confidence, "For me, having nightmares and being off my meds and overall having a bad time, that's not the worst thing. The worst thing for me is when that hurts you. Because you are literally the most important part of my life. So, last night, I was very sensitive about that because I had already woken you up and you already don't get enough sleep as it is." Dan takes this carefully, his voice low and slow and soft as he can manage. "I know that when you ask how to help, it's because you're anxious. So, I know you were trying to help, but when you just kept pushing, it made me feel like I was hurting you. Like, I was setting off your anxiety and keeping you from sleeping, which I was. But, when I'm upset, I can't handle that. And then you brought up how we used to fight when we were kids, and I just kept thinking that this isn't just a temporary thing, that I'm ruining your life. And look, don't- just…" Dan shakes his head, "I know we're happy and in love and nobody's leaving. I know that." Dan holds Phil's hand, "But, last night, I was tired and depressed and, I was… I was really shaken by my nightmares. I couldn't control my catastrophic thinking. So, that's what happened. I totally overreacted. I'm so fucking sorry."  
12:08  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods, and he lets Dan speak for as long as he needs to, just listening intently and holding Dan’s hands in his own. “It’s okay, Dan.” He says again. “It’s okay. It was late, and you were upset, and I shouldn’t have bothered you so much about it.” He said. “I just... you’re right. I do get anxious when you’re upset. Because I love you, and it does hurt to see you sad, but i’m also just an anxious mess to begin with. You know that.” He chuckled. “But that’s... you can’t fix me either.” He reasoned. “I think that’s just how it’s always going to be. You’re going to get sad, and I’m going to get anxious and panicky, and we both just have to... accept that, I guess.” He said. He felt like he was rambling, like he wasn’t making sense. Dan was always so much better with his words than Phil was.  
12:27  
May 🌈  
"Okay, ouch," Dan jokes pathetically, not quite killing the mood just yet. It all makes sense when Phil says it like that. They just set each other off sometimes. That's all there is to it. It doesn't have to be a big, dramatic thing. Dan and Phil just love each other so deeply, the thought of not being enough for the other is emotionally crippling. It's dysfunctional, but it only really poses any kind of problem when things are really, really bad. And here they are, not 12 hours later, fixing it. All is right in the world. Dan feels like he can breathe again. He reaches forward to cup Phil's cheek underneath the frame of his glasses, "I need us to talk. Yeah? That fixes things. Just, like, reminding each other that the only reason we're upset is because we love each other too bloody much." Dan smiles a bit, despite himself. "Just… Let's keep being honest with each other, okay? I love you so much."  
12:39  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil leans into Dan’s touch with a smile, and nods. “Of course.” Phil says. “I love you too. We’ll figure this out. We always do.” He smiles. They always figure it out. And that’s one part of their conversation last night that Phil stands by. This all takes time. It’s a learning curve. And it always will be. Especially when the two of them have such conflicting issues. Dan’s depression makes him low, makes him still, makes him lose motivation. Whereas Phil’s anxiety brings him up too high. It makes him jittery and nervous and it makes him think he needs to fix everything or else it will all come crashing down. And when both of those things happen at the same time, it lends itself to conflict. But as much as they sometimes trigger these things in each other, they help each other through it. Nothing causes Phil’s anxiety to flare more than knowing Dan is unwell, physically, or mentally. But on the other side of that coin, nothing eases his anxiety more than having Dan around, and just listening to him talk. It’s just always a bit weird, on days like this, when the thing that usually calms him down is the same thing that has him worked up. But sometimes that’s going to happen. And all they can do, is take it as it comes.  
12:53  
May 🌈  
Phil's smile could bring about world peace, Dan is sure of it. Dan kisses Phil lightly and pulls him close for a hug. It's cheesy in just the right way. Dan still feels heavy, for lack of a better term, but he also feels loved and so, so safe. Dan promises softy because he thinks Phil probably needs to hear it, "Everything will be back to normal soon, baby." No apologies, no self-deprecation, just the assurance that Phil is loved and his world will be back right side up again. Dan can't live in self-pity anymore, he needs to be here for Phil, regardless of what he's going through. Dan forgets, because Phil expresses his negative emotions differently than Dan does. To Dan, Phil seems totally capable and responsible, and he is in many respects, but that's also the way he expresses his fears. It's nuanced and Dan needs to keep an eye out for those subtleties. "Do you want to watch cute animal videos on the sofa today?"  
13:05  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles gently, gazing over at Dan in a way that can only be described as completely lovesick. It’s easy, in moments like these, when both of them are having a tough time, for Phil to cast his own needs to the wayside and focus solely on Dan. He knows Dan does the same thing. And it’s not good for either of them. They both need to just let themselves be taken care of, now and again. “For a little while, yeah.” He says, standing and beginning to clear the table. Sometimes he just needs to remember that he and Dan have different needs. Different ways of expressing things. Phil’s anxiety may not always be obvious, when it pops up. Even to Phil. It’s not always shaking and panic attacks and crying and laboured breathing. It’s rarely that, in fact. It’s little things, it’s a need for control, it’s a desire to think and plan ahead and follow every step in the correct order. It’s that desire to fix things and to problem solve, and it’s an inability to rest until he’s done it. And sometimes the best way to get past it is just to lay on the sofa with Dan. Where he’s still, and calm, and quiet, and where his focus is taken by the warmth of Dan’s arms and the sound of puppies on the television. Maybe it’s weird, but it works.  
30 September 2019  
01:48  
May 🌈  
Dan stands to help Phil with the dishes, slowly as ever. He nearly drops his empty coffee mug on its way to the dishwasher, but luckily grabs hold of it before it falls. "Christ," he complains, believing for a split second he's already having withdrawals before he realizes, "Reckon I'Ve had too much coffee." Maybe it will start mitigating the negative side effects he's experiencing. He doubts it, but he has to hope, right? The sofa is a nice relief. Dan cozies right up next to Phil, fingers intertwined as Phil sets up the TV. It doesn't take long at all for their cuddle to get all too cozy, leading Dan to drift off to a half-sleep before he means to. It's usually Phil who falls asleep at random times these days because he keeps himself awake all hours of the night and morning. Some of Dan's favourite memories are of carrying a (drunk) sleeping Phil back to bed or alternatively bringing pillows and blankets to the sofa so they can keep warm during the night. Dan tries to avoid letting Phil spend the night anywhere other than his bed because he tends to have painful back problems the following day when he sleeps on the sofa. But today, what does it matter? Sleep is sleep, Dan and Phil are in no place to be picky about where it comes.   
01:56  
Charlie 🎄  
“Jesus, Dan.” Phil mumbles, steadying Dan with one arm. “Gonna break your neck.” He chuckled softly. Dan seems off balance today, in more ways than one. Maybe they ought to stay on the sofa for a while. And so they do. Dan is the first to start drifting off, but Phil doesn’t say anything. He knows Dan needs it. And when Phil finds himself beginning to nod off as well, he moves to lie down on the sofa, carefully bringing Dan down against his chest as well. A little nap won’t hurt either of them. Neither of them have slept right for the last couple of nights, with too much on their minds and too much to worry about. And they need the sleep. Dan I’m particular, because his body is going through something right now and the withdrawal can sometimes make him physically sick. If they can prevent that, Phil wants to. Dan deserves to be as comfortable as possible during this process. And resting might help with that. So, Phil turns down the volume on the tv, and holds Dan a little bit closer, letting his eyes drift closed in sleep.  
09:00  
May 🌈  
Phil will always take care of Dan. He'll always be there to catch Dan before he falls and he'll always be there to cuddle Dan on the couch for a nap when the world is just too much for him. Maybe it's the light room or perhaps something about the couch, but Dan sleeps better here now than in bed last night. Go figure. He sleeps rather peacefully and it is wonderful. He wakes up several hours later with a pounding headache he doubts will pass anytime soon. He just cuddles closer to Phil, shaking slightly with cold. Maybe they forgot to turn the heat on. He pulls the blanket down from the back of the couch to cover them up. Dan slips his cold, shaking, slightly sweaty hands under Phil's top, suddenly desperate to feel that warmth around his middle, but that warmth isn't there. Phil feels freezing to Dan, though he seems totally undisturbed by the cold Dan is feeling. In his sleepy daze, he thinks he must be getting sick with a cold or something. He buries his face in Phil's chest, looking for comfort. He mumbles in a whisper, "'m sorry." He can't imagine Dan's overheated, sweaty hands feel nice on Phil's back and sides, or that his shaking is anything but disturbing.   
09:06  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil wakes after maybe two hours, but it’s much longer before Dan comes to. And when he does, something seems off. He’s shivering, though to be fair it’s late September and autumn is creeping in and they’re still desperately hanging onto summer by refusing to turn the heat on. So it’s not that strange if Dan is cold, and the blanket does feel quite nice. Then Dan’s cool hands wind around his waist, and Phil smiles gently at the touch, but then Dan’s hands continue to move curiously, as if they’re searching for something they can’t find. And then Dan is apologizing for something and Phil is getting confused again. Is Dan awake? Is he just fidgeting around in his sleep? No, he’s definitely awake, if only halfway. And Phil holds him closer again, trying to figure out what’s going on inside his head. “What are you sorry for?” He chuckled, pressing a kiss against Dan’s forehead.  
20:13  
May 🌈  
“Do I have a fever?” Dan asks, explaining against Phil’s chest, “I feel like shit.” At some point, he remembers he’s detoxing from his antidepressants and sighs in frustration. Already? Jesus. It usually doesn’t hit him so quickly. Dan's last detox was much slower, it seems. It was horrible, but perhaps more of an emotional crash than physical. That medication was weaker. It’s only been a day and a half without them. He’s at least grateful his stomach doesn’t currently feel uneasy. Nausea is one of the worst symptoms of all of this. The last thing he needs is to be stuck on the bathroom floor, too tired and dizzy to drag himself up to bed. A fever-induced headache mixed with the chills and shakes, Dan can handle. It’s just uncomfortable, what else is new? His body is quickly digressing into an utterly disagreeable state. Dan can handle this, he’s sure, at least with Phil's help. He adds, "I feel like I'm freezing."  
20:22  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil leans back a little, and presses a hand against Dan’s forehead. He does feel a little warm, though Phil has never been good at this sort of thing. “Maybe?” He says, kissing Dan’s forehead gently. He knows Dan’s not getting sick. It’s the detox, and it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better. There’s not much they can do, Dan just has to ride it out, which is easier said than done. “Can I get you anything?” He asks. That old anxious question of his. He knows there’s nothing, really. But maybe there’s something. A drink of water? Tea? Medicine? A back rub? Phil knows maybe none of that will help, and he won’t push, but he has to ask, for the sake of his own sanity if anything.  
20:59  
May 🌈  
Dan moves just slightly back to rest his head against the couch so Phil can feel his forehead for a temperature. Phil worries a lot for someone with not even the medical training of a lifeguard, but Dan's learned to interpret Phil's responses. If Dan's fever was of any real concern, Phil would be certain he's burning up. A 'maybe' means Dan is fine, but Phil's worrying, anyway. Dan nods lightly with a quiet hum in response. The kiss is nice, of course. Dan would smile more if he thought he could. "I'll regret asking, babe, I don't want you to go. Can I please have some water?" He runs his thumb over Phil's soft skin where Dan's hand rests under his shirt. Dan firmly believes Phil is actually the best medicine for Dan right now, so asking him away for even just a moment is like torture. 

[Also I just wanted to mention that I have n o plans for the direction of this rp so let me know if you have any ideas ❤ we can always skip until Dan is better if you prefer fluff or something else 💞 I'm open to w/e!! ]  
21:06  
Charlie 🎄  
((That’s okay! I don’t really know either, but I find sometimes ideas come as you write, so maybe we can just keep going like this for a bit and see where it goes!))

Phil smiles gently, and nods. “Of course. I’ll be right back. One minute.” He says, sitting up carefully so that he can make his way to the kitchen. He would do anything Dan asked him to. As long as it helped him feel better. So, he poured Dan a glass of water, and carried it back to the lounge before Dan could even start to miss him. “There, sit up, love.” He said gently, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist as he sat. He hated seeing Dan feeling unwell, but he knew this was all just part of the process. In a few days things would hopefully start levelling out again.  
21:23  
May 🌈  
Dan spends the whole time Phil is gone in the kitchen trying to sit up without worsening his headache. He's dizzy once he's sat up, but it doesn't matter anymore when Phil slides in beside him once more. "You're an angel," he leans into his partner's side and takes the glass with both shaking hands, refusing to spill a drop. He nearly finishes the glass before leaning forward to set it on the coffee table. Dan cozies up to Phil again, finding his hand to hold in his own, "No nightmares this time. See, Phil? There's something special about my sofa crease. All that ruining my spinal cord did some good, after all. Made for a proper comfortable sofa." Dan switches the TV to some fish aquarium video, Phil always likes those. Dan's attention is all on Phil, though, more so than usual. "Did you fall asleep, too?" The bags under Dan's eyes are deep and dark as ever and his head is still pounding with his heartbeat, but he's confident the nap did him some good somewhere underneath all that. There's a discomfort in his chest that's been alleviated, so it isn't all bad.   
21:23  
[Sounds good! Just checking in ❤ ]  
21:30  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, wrapping the blanket around their shoulders and an arm around Dan’s waist. “I did sleep for a bit. A couple hours, I think.” He smiles. Dan still seems to be a bit shaky, and Phil can’t tell if he’s cold, or if it’s just the effects of the medication. Either way, a blanket can’t hurt. And neither can a good cuddle. “You look a little better.” He says. There’s a bit more life in Dan’s eyes. More colour in his cheeks. He still doesn’t look like he’s feeling /good/, exactly, but better is definitely a start. “Are you hungry?” He asks after a moment. Dan Naples through lunch time, and it’s getting closer to dinner now, and they should both probably eat something. Even if Phil wasn’t exactly that hungry. His stomach was full of moths. No, more like bees. Buzzing around, threatening to sting. But he was okay. Dan was here, and he was doing well all things considered, and that was enough to keep the bees in his stomach at bay for now.  
22:28  
May 🌈  
"Good," Dan yawns despite himself. He runs his fingers over Phil's knuckles tenderly in an attempt to will his cold hands to quit shaking. Of course, it doesn't work half as well as Dan wants it to. He has to laugh a bit at Phil's attempt to bolster Dan's dwindling confidence, "Let's just not bring up what I look like right now, yeah?" The last thing Dan needs to waste cognitive resources on right now is his pathetic self-esteem. Dan sighs, "I don't know. Are you? We might just be bad and have a tub of ice cream or loads of chocolate or something. I might just be at that point. Gotta get the serotonin somehow. Overdosing on sugar isn't the worst way to go." It's darker than his usual humor, but Dan figures it's better than no humor at all. This is all quite bleak without something to laugh at. Maybe it will help calm Phil's nerves.   
22:34  
Charlie 🎄  
“We can do ice cream for dinner, but let’s stop just short of the diabetic coma.” Phil suggested, chuckling softly. That’s one thing he’s sure he’ll never like. Dan’s sense of humour was quite dark to begin with, and Phil usually didn’t mind. But with Phil’s weird death phobia, sometimes Dan’s jokes were a bit much. He tried not to let it get to him though. He knew Dan didn’t mean any harm, humour was a coping mechanism for him, and that was fine. Phil just couldn’t let himself think too deeply about some of the implications of Dan’s jokes, or else he just freaked himself out.  
23:35  
May 🌈  
"Just short, yeah," Dan snorts. He can practically feel Phil tensing up in that subtle way Dan didn't used to understand when he first started picking up on it. Phil is all too good at hiding his bad feelings. Sometimes, it only slips out as discreetly "off" laughter or a bit more tension in Phil's muscles. Dan isn't even quite sure that's what he's picking up on now, or whether it's his mind playing tricks on him. Phil is, in so many ways, a totally open book. Facts are easy for him, but expressing what's really going on inside? A bit more difficult for someone with chronic anxiety. Even if Phil wants to be honest and open, he'll nearly always put his needs aside for Dan or Phil's parents or any number of loved ones. Maybe, one of these days, he'll realize his loved ones would be a lot happier if Phil could take care of himself, too. "Did you have something in mind for dinner, sweetheart?" Dan cozies a little closer, listening for anything else off in Phil's tone.  
23:44  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m open to anything, really.” Phil smiles, kissing Dan’s cheek. “We can order takeaway, or I can cook something, we could go out... whatever.” He said. Whatever Dan wanted to do, Phil was more than okay with. Though he assumed it would be one of the first two options. Going out was often difficult when Dan wasn’t feeling well, and Phil understood that. And dates were still a bit weird, now that they were out of the closet. Not that they’d ever not been weird, but now they were weird in a different way. And with both of them in a delicate state, maybe that type of public exposure was best saved for later.  
1 October 2019  
23:07  
May 🌈  
Dan sits up to peck Phil's lips, the cheek kiss just not quite doing enough for Dan right now. "When this is all over, I'm taking you on the cutest date ever. You've got a big storm coming. You have no idea." He can't imagine how frustrated Phil must be to be cooped up here in their flat with Dan for - who knows how long? Dan would encourage Phil to go out with friends sooner or later, but they both know that can't happen, not in Dan's current state. He hasn't attempted since he was a teenager, but that history puts him at serious risk when he isn't medicated. Dan can't be left totally alone right now and there's nobody who can care for him like Phil can; Dan just doesn't let anyone else close enough to trust in that way. He's working on it, but right now, he's just too vulnerable. So, Phil's stuck with Dan for the time being. Dan is all too comfortable staying home most, if not all, of the time, but Phil is more extraverted than that. He needs to see his brother, his parents, friends… He's always been just a bit more comfortable at parties, Dan just can't feel comfortable around anyone but Phil. It isn't healthy, but Dan is working on his agoraphobia. It's a process. "We can get takeout if you like. I feel so bad you're cooking everything and I'm basically usele-" Dan catches his negative self-talk that he knows Phil won't want to hear and corrects,"-just moral support. Not actually helping."  
23:18  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles when Dan catches his little comment. It’s something Phil is always scolding him for, being too unnecessarily hard on himself. Dan has a really terrible habit of that, even on his best days. He doesn’t give himself nearly the credit he deserves. “I like your moral support.” Phil counters. “But takeaway does sound good. Chinese?” He suggests. Chinese food is a good option. It’s their typical go-to meal for when both of them are feeling lazy and don’t want to cook. It’s a little weird, the kinds of routines you get into after ten years of knowing someone. Right down to the type of fast food you order, and the occasions on which you order it. Chinese is for lazy nights. Burgers are for movie nights, or watching season finales. Sushi is for date nights. Pizza is for nights when they’re exhausted, physically or emotionally. But Phil doesn’t think this week has traumatized them enough to justify pizza. Not yet. Tonight felt like it fell more into the lazy category.  
2 October 2019  
21:14  
May 🌈  
"You're too cute," Dan mentions quietly with a shake of his head when Phil tries to act like it's at all fair for him to cook all the time while Dan fails to avoid even staying out of Phil's way most nights. "Yeah, sounds good," Dan agrees to Phil's request of Chinese. "I'll order on my phone. I should check it, anyway, before anyone starts thinking I've gone missing." Dan takes his time getting up, whining jokingly to make sure Phil isn't too worried. Dan doesn't particularly appreciate the sudden light-headedness he feels when he starts walking down the hall, using the wall once more for support. He finds his phone in his rarely-used bedroom, still resting on his bedside table, the battery at 100%. The phone is still turning on when Dan returns to the livingroom and plops back down on the sofa, still dizzy. There's about three dozen notifications, which he only notices is odd when he realizes he's still signed out of his public social media accounts. "What the hell?" Dan specifically remembers texting Phil just a few days ago, he hasn't been disconnected all that long. About half the notifications are missed calls from Dan's mum. Dan doesn't know what to make of it. "My mum wants me to call her. Or, she did last night. What was she doing up so late?" No details in her texts. Great. "I should. Um. Yeah," Dan dials her number, starting to feel a bit nervous, but mostly cautious. His mum has a history of overreactions.   
21:16  
Charlie 🎄  
((Would you like me to reply as Dan’s mum? Did you have an idea about why she’s calling or no?))  
21:18  
May 🌈  
[That's totally up to you! I can do both if you want :) I'm thinking either ? It's nothing but just makes Phil's anxiety a little worse to work that plot point ? Or something happened? Either Adrian hurt himself rock climbing (but he's fine) or maybe something more serious if you want the actual drama? What do you think? 💞 ]  
21:20  
Charlie 🎄  
((Makes no difference to me, I just wanted to know if you were going somewhere with it! We could do the anxiety thing if you want? I’ll reply soon, I’m a little busy, but yeah!))  
21:20  
May 🌈  
[No rush ❤]  
21:49  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil frowned, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist when he sat. “Do you think everything is okay?” He asked. Dan hadn’t really been on his phone the last couple of days, so maybe she was just wondering where he’d gone. But how often did Dan talk to his mum anyway? Not often enough that she’d miss him after two days of silence. And what if something happened? What if someone was hurt, or sick? Or worse? Maybe Phil should have kept Dan’s phone turned on, just in case. It was setting off alarm bells in Phil’s head. But then again, everything set off alarm bells in Phil’s head. The last thing Dan needed this week was family issues. There was so much going on already, how would he handle a family emergency? It set Phil’s heart racing a little, and he squeezes Dan’s waist in reassurance, hearing the phone ringing into Dan’s ear before the faint sound of his mum picking up on the other end.  
22:12  
May 🌈  
Dan shrugs in confusion, "You know as much as me." Surely, she would have called Phil if it were an emergency? She must have his number. "Mum?" 

Dan is interrupted as soon as he opens his mouth, "Daniel? You didn't just wake up, did you?"

Naturally, Dan scoffs, "What? No, I've been up."

"What's the use in having a phone if you're not planning on answering when I call you?"

Dan rolls his eyes. She must be joking, using the same guilt trip on him now as she did when he was a teenager, "Mum, is something wrong? Why did you spam me?"

"Spam you? I didn't spam you, I just called a few times in case…" blah, blah, blah. Dan turns the phone on speaker so Phil can hear her nonsense, "... You ought to answer the phone when your mother calls you. What if it had been an emergency? What if something happened to your grandma?"

"What? Something happened to Grandma?" Dan asks, clearly frustrated with the way this conversation is going. As long as he lives, he will never be on clear terms with this woman.

"No, of course not! She's the picture of health. But you should keep your phone on so that if, Heaven forbid, something does happen, I can reach you! It isn't like we keep house phones anymore," she goes on, likely just trying to give Dan a hard time.

"Okay, okay, I'll keep my phone on. Lesson learned. So, everything's fine? Mum, why did you call?"

"Oh, well, it was a bit of an emergency! If we act fact, we can get quite the deal on air fare. Your father and I were talking, you know, reminiscing about the good, old days when you boys were kids, and we thought it would be a lovely idea to go on a family vacation. You know, like we used to. Do you remember that trip we took to Morocco?" Dan is shocked, honestly. His gut reaction right now is to reject the whole premise and hang up the phone, but he somehow manages to control that impulse. "Dear? What do you think? It would be nice to have the family all together again. Your grandparents might join, as well! Wouldn't that be nice? We found this adorable cottage in France, we thought we might rent it for a couple of weeks." 

Dan is speechless, truly. He doesn't even look at Phil, he just stares off past his phone in horror, for lack of a more holistic term to describe his emotions. "This isn't a good time. Right now. It's just-" Dan shakes his head, "I have to go."

"What? You love France, you took French for years in school. You had so much fun when we took you the year after Adrian was born. What's the problem? Family bonding! Isn't that what you wanted?"

Dan doesn't know any safer response than, "I really just have to go, I'm busy. Sorry. We can talk about it later if you want. I have to go." Dan hangs up before he means to, his shaky finger hitting the button with poor precision, "I love- oh, shit. Motherfucker." Dan quickly types in his 'I love you' in a text to his mum, another apology tagged on at the end. He drops his phone onto the couch cushion and rubs his tired eyes, "Fuck."   
22:31  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil listens intently, watching Dan’s reactions. The whole conversation seems to go downhill very quickly, and leaves Dan looking upset and flustered. A trip to France probably isn’t in his best interest right now, with all this medication silliness happening. But ultimately it is up to him to decide. “That seemed like a really roundabout way of asking you to go to France.” Phil mumbled. She’d made it sound as if there was some big emergency, being so vague in her texts and even when she called. Phil never liked when people did that. He liked to know when something was wrong, and he didn’t do well with guessing. “You don’t have to answer her right away, love. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. You’ve got a lot going on right now.” Phil said, rubbing Dan’s sides carefully.  
22:51  
May 🌈  
"This is why I hate my phone," Dan jokes bleakly. What good ever comes out of it? It's good for texting Phil when they're apart or in public together, and social media is sometimes fun and not stressful, and Google is helpful, but that's about it. "She'll be so mad," Dan shakes his head in disbelief. Phil is just… so innocent, not having any clue the emotional damage that phone call did to Dan. "Obviously, I'm not going. Ever. I wouldn't agree to that last month, I'm not doing it now. I'd sooner…" Dan struggles not to finish that sentence. She and Adrian and Dad can have France all to themselves. Dan tries focusing on Phil to calm down, but Phil just has no hope of understanding. That's good, Dan reminds himself. Phil doesn't need to know all the ways that call upset him. It's a problem for Dan of the future now. "I'm just not. That's ridiculous. That's all," Dan picks up his phone again to order takeaway online, needing a distraction. He swipes away texts from Adrian warning Dan about their mum's sudden family impulse and one text from his father he doesn't even want to look at. It's all just too much. He'll talk to his Grandma when he calms down, and she'll help him make a more informed decision, but until then, Dan refuses to handle any of this.   
23:00  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs softly. He doesn’t know how to help. Dan’s family situation is something Phil’s never very good at navigating. Dan doesn’t talk about it a lot, so all Phil knows is what he sees, and that can vary wildly depending on a variety of factors. Sometimes it seems like Dan and his family get on quite well. Dan visits Them on holidays and birthdays and sometimes just because. They never seem to fight or have too much drama. Dan Just holds them at a distance. He loves them from afar, most of the time. But then other times, it seems like he just can’t stand them. He’ll avoid phone calls, and let texts go unanswered, and it’s odd, to Phil. He can never seem to keep up, so he doesn’t really try. “Do you want to talk about it?” Phil offers softly. Dan will say no, and Phil knows that. But he has to offer.  
23:23  
May 🌈  
Dan wants to. He knows he shouldn't, he doesn't want Phil involved in any of it. In the long run, it's best if Dan can just keep Phil as distant from Dan's family as possible. They're toxic and Phil is whatever the polar opposite of that is. Healing. But, Christ, would it feel good in the moment to dump all this on Phil. It would feel so good not to have to carry this alone. Dan convinces himself those thoughts are selfish. How could he, in good conscience, even secondhand, expose Phil to the pain he suffered? Dan loves Phil like he put the stars in the sky. How could he hurt someone he cares so much for in that way? It took long enough to tell Phil about the bullying he suffered in secondary school, and he only did because the neck issue was becoming unavoidable. Then again… is this fair to Phil? Is it right to live ten years out with him without letting him know anything significant about the family that raised him? "You don't want to know," Dan tests softly. It isn't really an answer, it's much more of a warning. Phil might just be offering to be nice, in which case he is welcome to change the subject and move on, just stay safe, stay out of it.  
23:30  
Charlie 🎄  
“I only want to know if you want to tell me.” Phil says softly. He doesn’t want to push. Dan is under no obligation to tell Phil anything that makes him uncomfortable. Dan is a very private person, even with Phil. And some thing are just always off limits. “If it would make you feel better, you know I’ll listen.” He said. Nothing was out of bounds for Phil. Whatever Dan needed, whatever he wanted to say, or to talk about, Phil was here. No matter how sad, or solemn, or awkward it may be. Phil never wanted Dan to feel that his only option was holding things in. And Phil could see that Dan wanted to talk. And Phil was more than willing to listen.  
3 October 2019  
09:51  
May 🌈  
Dan sniffles and rubs his face, wishing things weren't like this. "I'm not going anywhere with them," Dan finally declares after a few long moments of silence. He shakes his head, "She's doing it because I came out. And because she's still trying to make things work after all these years. With my dad, with all of us. I don't know why. They won't. They never did. She's so controlling." That's enough, isn't it? To catch Phil up on what's happening now without getting too much into what used to happen. Dan leans back into Phil's hold and holds Phil's hand, accepting his affection now that he can calm down a little. "That isn't what I wanted. At all. She said I wanted this, she has no clue what I want. She doesn't care. She just wants what she wants and puts that on everyone else." Nothing like Phil. The opposite, actually, now that Dan thinks about it. Phil has always listened to Dan's thoughts, ideas, and wishes. The only things he's ever pushed on Dan are sleeping and eating and seeking out mental health support. Phil wants the best for Dan, Dan's mother wants the best for herself. At least, that's Dan experience. "She's still trying to fit me into that box of the son she wants. I'm not." Dan feels tears in his eyes he didn't even feel while on the phone. Is he choosing wrong by telling Phil this? If he is, Phil doesn't do anything to make him feel that way. As always, Phil is just too good.   
15:17  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil stays quiet, and listens, and tries to make Dan’s words make sense. He has a very different perception of Dan’s family than Dan does. He’s met them of course. And he’s never really had a problem with any one of them. Dan’s mum could sometimes get a bit of tunnel vision, he thought. She’d get focused on one thing and struggle to see the bigger picture. And it seemed like maybe that’s what was happening now. “She’s doing it because you came out?” He asked, once he was sure Dan was finished speaking. “What do you mean by that?” He asked. “Maybe she just wants to spend some time with you.” He said quietly. “This you. Out, open you.” He added. He knew that this wasn’t his place to give advice. Phil didn’t know all the details here. He could only interpret the situation as an outsider, and from his perspective, it seemed like Dan’s family just... didn’t know each other that well. Maybe she wanted to change that. Maybe she wanted a closer relationship with Dan, and this was her way of seeking it.  
16:44  
May 🌈  
"No," Dan answers instinctively, "not like that. She isn't like your mum, Phil. Kathryn always wants to talk to you. She makes time for you. She listens to you and supports you. You talk all the time because you like each other as people. My mum…" Dan shakes his head, "She tries to force things to look the way she wants them to. We tried talking after I came out, she was just defensive, acting like she's always been the most supportive mother when she wasn't. She lives under an hour away, if we wanted to see each other, we would. She wants this magical trip to fix everything so she doesn't have to put the work in the other 50 weeks a year." Dan furrows his brows, "She usually only does things like this when things get really bad. Usually with my dad. Like a family trip makes us a healthy, loving family. No, it'll be two weeks of Adrian and Dad being best fucking friends and Mum pretending I'm part of that. Like it always is. And I'll just text you the whole time pretending I'm where I want to be, back home with my real family." Meaning Phil. Obviously.   
17:04  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighed softly, giving Dan’s hand a gentle squeeze, to try and keep him grounded. “Do you think maybe it’s like... a coping thing for her?” He asked. From what Phil had been able to gather over the years, it seemed like Dan’s family was dysfunctional at best. Dan’s parents didn’t really seem to get along. They’d been very young when they became a family, not necessarily ready for that responsibility. Then to have to try and help their kids navigate the world of bullying and mental illness and sexuality, while probably not knowing much about that themselves, it must have been difficult, right? So maybe this controlling nature was just... a way to cope. To try and keep a handle on things when it all started falling apart, or when she felt overwhelmed. Phil understood that very well. And it wasn’t necessarily a healthy way of dealing with stress. It had taken Phil some time to learn the limits, and to be more aware of how his stubbornness and desire for control affected others.  
20:26  
May 🌈  
Why? Dan gave up answering the question of why his family mistreats him long, long ago. Somehow, it sounds new coming from Phil now. Dan and his mother went through a lot together before Adrian came along. There was a time Dan remembers with melancholy when he was her Bear and it was just the two of them. It was perfect. They were so happy together. They went out to dinner together once a week, just a four-year-old Dan and his mother. She listened to him and he felt loved. He wishes he still has the art projects they made together or videos she took of them making music together or maybe even just… any resemblance in his mother of the person she was. Or maybe any indication that she misses that closeness, too. Naturally, Dan's dad came back into the picture and essentially ruined everything. Dan's eyes start burning and he remembers why he's made such a strict habit of not thinking about this. He brings Phil's hand up to kiss his knuckles, not knowing that he can talk about this much more. Coping, Phil says, like she lost Dan as much as he lost her. She was the adult, she had the control. Dan was a victim of his parents' relationship status, she could have made different choices. So, why? Why not? Why waste so much energy coping instead of just making things right? Dan leans back against Phil's shoulder and closes his eyes. Finally, he replies in an affected voice, "She wouldn't have to cope if she would just fix things."   
20:42  
Charlie 🎄  
“Maybe she doesn’t know how.” Phil whispered. Maybe it was because he didn’t really know Dan’s family situation that well, or... well, he didn’t even really know Dan’s family that well, just as people. He knew that his perspective was uneducated, and uninformed. He knew it didn’t mean much. But he had some sympathy for Dan’s mum. It seemed like she was thrown into big responsibilities at a young age. Mother, wife, all of those big titles, and she was still just 18 or so. Dan had been 18 when they met. Phil, 22. If they’d been somehow, inexplicably and suddenly responsible for the life of an infant, would they have survived these last ten years and been as close as they are now? No, definitely not. They’d have struggled. Anyone would have. Because no matter how strong a relationship was, having kids would always put a strain on it. Especially if you weren’t ready. And it’s not like that was Dan’s fault. Dan had nothing to do with it. It just seemed, from where Phil was standing, that Dan’s parents found themselves in a situation they didn’t know how to handle, and they’d spent the last 28 years trying to navigate it as best they knew how. It just so happened that they’d made some wrong choices in their attempts to figure things out as they went along, and Dan had suffered because of it. “It’s just... she’s human too, love. So is your dad. I think they’re trying.” He said, deciding to leave it at that. Even if they were doing a bad job, even if they’d always kind of done a bad job, surely they were trying to do good. Right?  
21:22  
May 🌈  
Phil has a point, Dan has to give it to him. That is a lot of damage to heal. The relationships between Dan and his family are... obliterated. Dan doesn't know how to heal that. He thinks he could if he were in her position, but maybe it's just not in her nature. Maybe it's in her blood to commit herself to shitty relationships and neglect people when keeping them around isn't easy. Dan doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand any of it, and he doesn't know that he wants to. "I don't think my mum is trying for me. I think she's trying for herself," Dan wipes his wet eyes more harshly than he'd ever touch Phil, "She's not the one stuck with the consequences of her actions. I am. I'm the one here withdrawing from medication I have to take because I have a mental disorder because of my shitty childhood. That should be on her, but it's not. It's on me. You know what's not on me? Fixing a family I didn't ruin." Dan's control is extremely limited here. He does have control over the relationships he works for, however, and he doesn't plan on relinquishing that control anytime soon.   
21:33  
Charlie 🎄  
“I understand.” Phil said softly. And he did, to an extent. Dan’s feelings towards his family were fair, of course. He was right, in the sense that he was a victim of bad parenting. Whether his parents intended it or not, they’d hurt Dan a lot, and for a long time, in a variety of ways. And Dan was the way he was because of it. That wasn’t his fault. But Phil didn’t particularly think Dan’s parents were entirely to blame either. Because they hadn’t chosen the cards they were dealt. They were people too, and they had no doubt dealt with their own struggles, their own trials and tribulations that made them into the people that they were. They’d made mistakes, they’d ended up in a situation they weren’t ready for, and they did whatever they felt was right, even if they ended up being wrong. Could that really be held against them? Phil didn’t know. He didn’t know how to say any of that without making Dan feel invalidated. So those thoughts stayed with him for now. “I just... try to see it from their perspective too, I guess. We probably would have been pretty unstable too, if we’d somehow had a baby just shortly after we met.” He chuckled, moving back to a previous train of thought instead. “I’m not even confident I could raise a kid now, let alone when I was 22. I’m sure I would have fucked up all over the place.” He said, hoping that maybe that little bit of perspective might help Dan to put himself in those shoes.  
21:48  
May 🌈  
"What?" Dan asks, actually confused if Phil is joking or not. "We used rubbers religiously for years. How would that ever happen? You won't even swear on YouTube, how could you ever hurt a child? What are you on about? You'd be too frightened to do anything wrong, Phil. If we had a baby, we'd have moved back in with your parents and things would have been okay. Because you have a loving family. We could have lived with my grandma, my dad didn't want to, because he's the worst. He isolated us. And my mum let him do it." Dan shakes his head, "You're not even- I have no idea what you're talking about. It's totally different. You're not… angry. You always see the best in everything, like you're trying to now. You'd never, ever expose a child to what Adrian and I went through. He's not even mad about it, is the thing. He was too young to remember. All he remembers is getting on with dad, and me being the weird, older brother who doesn't belong. We're not all so lucky."   
22:04  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nodded, knowing that to push this conversation further may only upset Dan, and that’s not what he wants. Dan has a point. Phil tried to see the good in people. Always. Just because someone does bad things, doesn’t necessarily make them bad people at heart. Most people were good. Most people had good intentions, even if they did an awful job at executing them. Everyone was struggling with something, and Phil had always been sort of hypersensitive to that. So very rarely did people do bad things for the sole purpose of being bad. Usually people just struggled, with something that was happening in their own life, and sometimes others were hurt in the process. It wasn’t usually intentional. And part of Phil really doubted that Dan’s parents hurt him on purpose. They’d just run into their own bad situations and Dan happened to get caught in the crossfire. Maybe. Phil really didn’t know. But that’s what it seemed. “The thought of having kids is scary.” He said after a moment, shifting the conversation more towards a topic that could focus more on them, rather than Dan’s parents. “Like, you can do everything right, and still be wrong.” He said. “You can do everything to try and be a good parent, and still mess up. I don’t know, it makes me nervous.” He said. Everything made him nervous. But being responsible for a human life, being the one to raise them and teach them and set a good example, to mould them into a happy, healthy, well adjusted adult, seemed impossible. It was so easy to scar a kid. Phil wasn’t sure he’d ever met an adult that didn’t have some sort of issue stemming from something that went wrong in childhood. Even if that something was relatively minor. Everyone had some form of childhood or adolescent trauma, and that was terrifying. Just the knowledge that you could do your best, and follow the rules, and do everything exactly right, and your kid would still be at least a tiny bit messed up, in some way or another.  
22:27  
May 🌈  
Dan sighs as he looks over Phil's face, realizing all he's done is make Phil anxious for no good reason. He leans forward to rub Phil's shoulder soothingly, "Hey. I like our family as it is." Phil knows Dan's stance on children: he wants them maybe someday, but only if he can get better beforehand. He won't subject a child to his mental health as it is. Dan adds, "But. If we ever decide we want to grow, I know you, Philip Lester. You love deeply, you think things through, and you put others first… You would be the best dad. You're already the best boyfriend. You don't have anything to worry about. As usual." Dan continues rubbing Phil's shoulder, finding the movement soothing, as well. He shakes his head, "You're not going to give your child clinical depression from cutting their sandwich the wrong way or leaving a cupboard open. It isn't about making one mistake, it's about making choosing wrong every single day. Does that make sense? If you did something wrong, you would see that and make things right."  
22:40  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs. This is another topic where they’re just not understanding each other, Phil can tell. And it’s always kind of rubbed him the wrong way, whenever Dan talks about how easy Phil has it or how he’s got nothing to worry about. He never mentions it, and he never will, because he understands that in comparison to Dan’s upbringing, he had it pretty good. So he’ll never bring it up, but it does twist something inside him. Because Phil’s anxiety poses as much of a threat to their future family as Dan’s depression. It may not be as debilitating, Phil is pretty high functioning, but it does affect nearly every part of his life, in some minor way. He does love fiercely, and think ahead, and make plans. Because he’s constantly worried that the things and the people he loves will be taken away. So he clings to them, he gets overprotective, and how will that translate to parenting? What if he turns into one of those overbearing, overprotective fathers who tries to shelter his kids so much that as soon as they get a taste of freedom, they completely go off the deep end? What if his constant worrying rubs off on them, and makes them scared to try new things, or explore? There’s a million things that could go wrong as a direct result of Phil’s mental state. But he doubts Dan will be able to clearly see where he’s coming from. He’ll brush it off, as he so often does, and assure Phil that he has nothing to worry about. So he doesn’t mention it, instead pulling Dan a little closer. “We’ll be ready.” He says quietly after a moment. They won’t ever be in the situation Dan’s parents were in, accidentally parents long before they were ready. Most of that thanks to the simple fact that they were both men, but in a more metaphorical sense, they would never rush into that type of major life decision. When the time came, if ever it did, they would be fully prepared.  
22:56  
May 🌈  
"Hey, will you talk to me? What is it?" Dan asks, not seeing why he shouldn't. Dan obviously upset him somehow. Is he not listening to what Phil is trying to say? Is he missing something? He thinks through their conversation, wondering if he understood what Phil meant. Dan's busy trying not to be offended by Phil's consistent siding with Dan's parents, reminding himself that Phil loves him and is always on his side. Did Phil mean something else by that? Is Dan being overly critical of them? Is Phil internalizing that? Or, is he upset that Dan defined his family as loving? His childhood wasn't perfect, Dan knows, but Dan knows Phil's family personally, he thinks they're lovely. Dan has no reason to think they're anything other than close-knit. Is Dan not hearing some of Phil's concerns about parenthood? Is he upset that Dan obviously is not ready yet? Is Dan moving too slowly for him? "What, you'll let me go on about my shit, but when you have something to say, it's different?" Dan asks insecurely, "Phil?"  
23:06  
Charlie 🎄  
“Hey, babe, shh.” Phil says, pressing a kiss to Dan’s cheek to calm him. Phil just knows that this particular conversation is a sensitive one. Phil doesn’t want to make Dan feel invalidated, because his feelings and his struggles with his family are completely reasonable. Phil just thinks that Dan gets a bit blinded by the hurt he went through, and it leaves him unable to see past it, and realize that his parents are hurting too, in their own ways, and for their own reasons. But he doesn’t know how to explain that. Just like he doesn’t know how to explain to Dan why it leaves him feeling a bit deflated whenever he brushes Phil’s anxiety off as some kind of endearing quirk. Dan is in a bit of a sensitive place right now, and Phil doesn’t want to start any sort of argument. It’s not worth it. “This is just a complicated topic.” He allows. “But it’s alright. We’ve got a lifetime to talk about it.” He smiled softly, kissing Dan’s cheek once more.  
23:19  
May 🌈  
Dan can't believe Phil's brushing him off, "Wait, seriously?" Phil's kisses are just making Danmore uneasy. This is one of those uncertain moments: is Dan actually out of his mind and doesn't realize it, or is Phil babying him and hiding things from him? Dan wants to trust Phil, and he does, but he really, really wants to feel normal and talk to Phil like an autonomous person. Dan looks at Phil with red eyes in confusion, trying to pick up any kind of clues about what he just missed, "What? What did I say?" Dan doesn't see how Phil thinks he can do easily let this go. He opened up to Phil about something deeply traumatic and then… Dan doesn't quite understand what happened next. "I want… Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I don't want to hear what you have to say. Is that…? Just talk to me, Phil. If I said something, just talk to me. You still deserve to be heard." Dan doesn't want to be protected like this. He doesn't need to be protected from Phil, if that's what this is about.   
23:29  
Charlie 🎄  
“You didn’t say anything, Dan. You didn’t. It’s okay.” Phil assured. “It’s okay. I’m okay. Everything’s fine.” He promised, his hand rubbing up and down Dan’s side as he tried to think, tried to figure out a way to phrase what he was thinking in a way that Dan would understand, in a way that wouldn’t upset him. Phil was bad with his words. He had a terrible habit of saying things the wrong way, giving the wrong impression, and just generally not making any sense at all whenever he opened his mouth. The part about Dan’s parents, about Dan maybe needing to see things from their perspective, was definitely too touchy to go into right now. Dan wasn’t going to want to hear that, it was only going to make him feel attacked, and it just wasn’t worth it. So Phil opted to focus more on the other thing. On the way Dan sometimes dismissed Phil’s anxiety as something simple, and easy. That conversation was more to do with Phil, and he could take the brunt of the load. “I just don’t like to complain.” Phil started quietly. “You know that. Compared to a lot of people, I do have it very good. I’m very lucky. But having kids is still something that worries me. Because I get so anxious, and I just wouldn’t want that to get in the way of anything.” He said. “That’s all. It’s nothing to do with you, love. Just a little worry of mine.” He assured.  
23:46  
May 🌈  
Dan listens closely to Phil as he does his best to explain his feelings. It takes a moment or two for Dan to connect the dots, but once he does, it makes perfect sense. Dan returns Phil's affectionate touches, feeling very stupid for having ignored this issue for so long. Dan takes his time responding, seeing that Phil needs for Dan to take this seriously. Dan doesn't see Phil's anxiety the same way Phil does, largely because Phil keeps that to himself most of the time. And, truly, Dan does find it quite adorable most days. It's endearing that Phil is so worried about home invasion, that particular anxiety makes Dan feel safe, because Dan will always trust that Phil is looking out for them. Dan deeply appreciates that Phil worries about Dan's health and wellbeing, Dan needs that in his life. He even likes that Phil doesn't like calling strangers over the phone or opening the door, it makes Dan feel needed. Maybe even Phil's fear of death has been validating for Dan, like he isn't the only one afraid. Maybe Dan shouldn't like Phil's anxiety as he does, he just feels it balances Dan out, like they need each other. Dan keeps Phil grounded, Phil keeps Dan from wasting his days on the ground. But, it isn't just a quirk if Phil decides it isn't. Maybe Dan has been ignoring Phil's uncomfortable and scary experiences because Phil doesn't vocalize them. Because Dan is so private about his issues, maybe Phil saw that as an indication that Dan doesn't want to hear Phil's, which is not true. At all. "Oh," Dan murmurs, lost in thought for a few long moments. Dan has not been doing a good job at putting Phil's nerves at ease. He's been the one brushing Phil off. That's what Dan isn't seeing. "Phil, do you… do you want help? Like, a therapist? Or… we can go together. Or something." Dan's voice is soft, too, now, all of his attention on reading Phil, making sure he's understanding him clearly.   
23:56  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is a bit surprised by Dan’s response. Because this isn’t a cry for help, or anything of that nature. That’s not the message he was trying to convey. “No, no, it’s not that- it’s- um...” Phil is sort of at a loss for words. He doesn’t feel that it’s that bad. His anxiety doesn’t warrant professional help. That would just be a waste of time, and money, and a waste of resources for people who may actually need it. Phil’s anxiety isn’t ruining his day to day. He gets nervous, he gets jittery, he checks the locks too much, he worries about hypothetical situations in his head that he’ll likely never run into outside the bounds of his own skull. But it doesn’t stop him from getting his work done, it doesn’t stop him from being productive, it doesn’t render him incapable of anything, it doesn’t stop him. It’s just a kind of constant buzzing in the back of his mind. Like a ringing in his ears that never goes away, but for the most part, he can ignore it. Sometimes it gets a bit louder and requires a bit more of his attention, but overall, it’s just... there. Always. “No, I don’t need that.” He said, once he’d collected his thoughts a little.  
4 October 2019  
00:19  
May 🌈  
Regardless of whether Phil truly doesn't want or need therapy or if he just isn't ready for that right now, Dan isn't going to push the subject. He knows Phil is very private, it's one of the reasons they get on so well. They understand that about each other. What Dan hears is that Phil needs something, just not institutional support. "How can I help?" Dan asks, "How can I help you feel better? You deserve to feel in control of it." He knows how to help Phil relax on good days: backrubs, for a start. Dan doesn't think he's ever seen Phil as peaceful as he feels when Dan takes the time to make Phil feel good that way. Phil likes wine on special occasions, that usually helps him relax a bit. Dan takes over certain responsibilities when Phil gets very anxious, like talking over the phone or speaking up for them in big meetings or publicly. Dan tells Phil all the time he's worrying over nothing, but maybe that's only invalidating Phil's experiences. "What do you need?"   
00:30  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs again, softer this time. He hadn’t meant to turn this around and make it all about him. He hated doing that. But it was at a point now where he couldn’t back out, or brush it off, because in doing that, he would upset Dan again. So, he opted to simply address it. “Just... okay, don’t take this the wrong way. Because you’re wonderful and you’re so good to me. But sometimes you do this thing where you kind of... just brush it off.” Phil said, holding Dan’s hand carefully in both of his own. “Like, whatever stupid thing I’m worrying about, you just say ‘oh that’s silly’ or that it’s no big deal, or that I shouldn’t worry about it, and I know you don’t mean anything by that. And you’re right, because it’s always silly, it’s always stuff I don’t need to worry about, but that’s not... helpful.” He said, his words measured, and careful, trying desperately to avoid making Dan feel like he was being antagonized, or called out. “Sometimes it’s better if you just... go double check the door. Or change the batteries in the smoke alarm, or help me come up with a hypothetical solution to my hypothetical problem, whatever. I know it’s stupid. And it’s a waste of time, but it helps. More than just saying ‘oh, don’t worry about it’. Does that make sense?” Phil said, knowing it was probably just gibberish in Dan’s ears. But he had asked.  
07:57  
May 🌈  
"Honey, of course," Dan doesn't think twice in agreeing to that. It just works differently for Phil than Dan, is all. Dan needs to be reminded that the sadness in his head isn't real, it's just a chemical imbalance. Phil needs to be validated. "I'm so sorry, Phil." Dan doesn't bother with explanations or excuses, he just wants Phil to know he doesn't plan on doing that anymore. Dan runs the pad of his thumb over Phil's knuckles. "Can I please try again? If we decide on children… We will be prepared, you're right. We can take time off and do loads of research on childcare. We'll work on our issues together so we can be the best we can be." Dan runs his fingers through Phil's hair delicately, pushing it off his forehead, "Louise can help us. Maybe we can babysit more often, or just spend more time with her and the girls. We'll be experts." He adds, "If we do have kids, we can check in with them. Like this, you know? It's all about open communication, I reckon. We'll check each other as we go. We have different viewpoints, that's good." Dan is a bit uncertain if he's getting at what Phil's looking for.   
16:14  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles gently, leaning softly into Dan’s body and just letting him ramble on. It’s really not that big a deal. Phil knows that Dan means no harm whenever he brushes things off. But it is nice to feel like he’s not just crazy. Like the things he worries about are actually worth worrying about. It’s not that major, really. Phil does a lot of that on his own. He’s gotten pretty good at self soothing. But hearing it from Dan does help. “Thank you, love.” Phil smiles, kissing Dan gently for a moment. It’s all Phil needs, really. “I know we have forever to think about that kind of thing. Kind of. I mean, we don’t want to be like 70 and adopting a baby.” He chuckled, shaking his head. “But you know what I mean. I just want to be prepared.” He said. “Life is so unpredictable, and you can’t be ready for everything, and we’re probably going to mess something up whether we like it or not, but at least if we’re prepared... we’ll know that we didn’t mess up by rushing in.” He reasoned.  
5 October 2019  
00:19  
May 🌈  
Dan gratefully returns Phil's kiss, if not a bit sluggish in his movements. "We'll figure it out. I trust you," Dan clarifies. He wonders if Phil understands how meaningful that is to Dan, ti trust Phil not only with himself, but also with their potential children. He settles in comfortably with Phil once more, feeling good about it once again. Phil has always been so proper good at making Dan look at more positive things. Dan's mum tried dragging him back into the past, and here Phil is, helping Dan back into the present and even a bit of the future. Dan treasures Phil dearly. It isn't long before Dan's energy is all but spent. This is exactly why he didn't want to speak with his mum right now. The added stressor is just not something Dan should be spending resources on. He's just about dozed off once more when their doorbell reminds Dan that he ordered takeaway earlier. Oops. Dan didn't order much for himself, nothing that can't wait for later, but the idea of eating right now feels like trying to eat and sleep at the same time. Dan pats Phil's leg weakly, "Think I need to have a nap first." He stands to get the door, per usual, not seeing any reason he shouldn't, except maybe that he looks like a wreck. What difference does it make? Dan runs a hand through his hair to lazily tidy it, but he knows it does nothing to ease the exhaustion obvious in his complexion.  
00:27  
*to (I'm so sorry for the errors fkn rip my screen is shattered it drives me crazy )  
00:31  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil gets a bit lost in thought while they sit there in relative silence, and startles a little when the doorbell rings. He smiles when Dan automatically rises. He knows Phil feels weird answering the door, even though they were expecting it. He doesn’t really know why it makes him so nervous. Even worse when he’s in his PJ’s, like he is now, or when the delivery person is overly attractive. Not that he feels the need to impress the zac Efron lookalike from domino’s, but it makes him self conscious. Dan has taken up a habit of just doing it. Whenever they have food delivered, or amazon packages, or when the landlord stops by, Dan takes it upon himself, and Phil genuinely appreciates it. “Here, take my card.” Phil says, pulling the card from his wallet. He’ll pay for their dinner tonight. Takeaway was his idea after all, and he’s sure Dan will pay for something else and it will all even out. They’ve long since stopped worrying about paying each other back.  
00:32  
((No worries, it’s fine!))  
00:46  
May 🌈  
Dan takes Phil's card silently, mostly working on habit right now. Considering Dan and Phil are business partners and romantic partners of ten years, Dan sees literally no reason to even separate their funds at this point, but he hasn't gotten around to that particular conversation. At this point, Dan thinks it's just a matter of convenience and privacy that they keep separate accounts. Dan considers all of what's his to be equally Phil's. He's quiet, but thankful with the delivery man, who seems equally uninterested in Dan as Dan is in him. Dan appreciates strangers like that. He locks the door before bringing the food to set down on the kitchen table. The smoggy London air does little for Dan's mood, so he gives Phil a quick kiss before muttering again, "Just a quick nap. Don't wait for me. Love you." Their bed feels soft as a cloud. How could Dan ever leave this comfortable, happy space? He falls right to sleep, but it isn't particularly restful. He's just as, if not far more, exhausted when he next wakes up - who knows when? He feels like he's been hit by a truck. He already knows getting out of bed today will be a bad idea.  
00:53  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is about to try and encourage Dan to sit, so at least have a few bites while it’s still warm and fresh, but Dan is gone before Phil can even open his mouth. That’s fine, he thinks. He’s tired. He’s going through a lot. A nap certainly won’t hurt him. So Phil lets him go. He eats his own food quietly, noticing how little Dan actually ordered for himself, and leaving some of his own food with Dan’s so that he’ll have a more substantial meal whenever he gets up. When he’s finished, he places the leftovers in the fridge. While he’s in the kitchen, he hears Dan’s phone ringing. By the time he gets back to the lounge, it has stopped, and there’s a notification for a missed call from “Karen”. Why Dan has his parents listed by their actual names, Phil doesn’t know. But just as he’s about to put the phone down again, it begins to ring in his hand. Again, his mum. He stares at it for a moment, chewing on his lower lip, before making a decision he may regret, and answering the call. “Hi, it’s Phil.” He says, wanting no confusion. “Sorry, Dan’s just laying down.”  
00:58  
May 🌈  
[S p i c y 🌹 I love. Did you have any ideas??]  
00:59  
Charlie 🎄  
((Not really, I thought maybe she was just calling to get a better answer out of Dan about the trip, it’s up to you really! Just trying to shake things up!))  
13:47  
May 🌈  
"Phil?" Karen asks, a tad confused. Dan holds few private boundaries between himself at Phil on a daily basis, but he does draw a thick line between Phil and his family of origin. So, they've only really spoken a handful of times over the years, and never in much detail. That isn't exactly something Dan was planning on changing once he came out. He kept his relationship with Phil just blurry enough to hopefully preserve that aspect of his life. Karen sighs after a moment of silence, "I knew something was wrong. He never talks to me when something's wrong. What is it, his health? Something to do with his depression? Did something happen?" She had been worried about this when Dan first came out. Dan has never handled attention or change very well, and this is all too much of both of those. She thought it might be better for him to come out more subtly, but she wouldn't dare tell her son how and when to come out. Even if that might've been what's best for him.   
16:47  
Charlie 🎄  
“He’s alright,” Phil says, knowing he’s already crossed a line just by answering the phone. He doesn’t want to say anything that will get him in any more trouble. “He just hasn’t been feeling well the last couple days.” Phil said. It was true, but it was vague enough that it didn’t really give anything away. “Sorry, I know I don’t usually answer his phone, I just didn’t want you to worry.” He says. Phil himself knew how worried he tended to get whenever Dan didn’t answer his phone. At least if she knew that he was okay, just a bit under the weather, maybe it would put her mind at ease and she wouldn’t have to keep calling, over and over again.  
18:53  
May 🌈  
Karen isn't exactly convinced, but she doesn't know Phil, even after ten years, well enough to overtly call him out on the fib. "Oh, I always worry about Daniel," she jokes half-heartedly. She's sure Phil won't give her any more detail about Dan than he'd tell her himself, which is slim to none, so she figures the next best thing is to open communication between them, "You don't have to apologize. Thank you for picking up. I don't mean to badger him, I know he needs his space. I understand, his father is just the same. I just…" Karen pauses, trying to keep herself from crying to her son's boyfriend over the phone. It's been an emotional few weeks, "I didn't get a chance to tell him I love him before he hung up on me. Will you tell him for me, please? I know it's silly, it's just something I've always done with the boys. You never know when the last time you talk with someone will be the last. You know?" Karen has no real idea of what Phil's been through with his family the past few years, she truly doesn't think Phil will really understand what she means. He's young, how could he? "Anyway, I've kept you long enough. Take good care of him. He likes chocolate when he's feeling down. You're always welcome to call, Phil. For anything. Really."   
19:08  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil finds himself smiling. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever fully understand Dan’s negative feelings towards his mum. She seems so sweet, at least to Phil. “I understand. I’ll tell him.” He promises. He knows how important it is to try and leave every conversation on a positive note. Just in case. “I’m sure he’ll call when he’s feeling a bit better.” He adds. Because as emotional as Dan could get, he never liked leaving loose ends. He would call back, and he’d make a decision about this trip, and it would all work out, Phil was sure. Dan just needed some time to process, and feel better. And Phil would make a mental note to find something chocolate for him. It may not solve all his problems, but it might at least make him smile.  
19:51  
May 🌈  
"Oh, I'm not so sure anymore," Karen admits in response to Phil's guarantee that Dan will call back. Phil may know Dan very well, but she wouldn't doubt Dan hides things from Phil just as he hides things from everyone else. "It seems things have just been getting worse since that big argument between him and his father last year. Or was it two years ago? It's hard to say. Sometimes, I worry he just won't pick up the phone anymore." Karen pauses, hating to admit that out loud, "I do hope you're right, though." It's clear she's struggling with this as much as Dan is, "You have my number, don't you? He's too proud to ever ask for anything, but I'll always be here for him. He's my baby Bear." Karen hesitates extending that out to Phil for her own reasons she doesn't plan on sharing. It's hard to hang up the phone now, but she manages, "I'll quit talking your ear off. You know where to find me. Thank you, sweet."   
19:58  
Charlie 🎄  
“I remember that.” Phil said quietly. He’d never really gotten any of the details. It was one of those things Dan refuses to speak much about. But it had upset him so greatly that he couldn’t keep it from Phil completely. And it was just slightly awkward, having this conversation. Phil wasn’t sure what to say that wouldn’t cross a line. But he could tell that whatever family situation was at play here, it was hurting more than just Dan. “I do have your number, yeah.” Phil said after a moment. After ten years, he’d picked up those little tidbits of information. Though he didn’t think he’d ever called Dan’s mum of his own accord. “I’ll keep an eye on him. Promise.” He said, hoping that would comfort her at least a little. At least she knew Dan wasn’t alone. He had support, and he was going to be okay.  
20:30  
May 🌈  
Karen thanks him once, maybe twice more before managing to hang up the phone. It is not easy. She doesn't even remember the last time she spoke with Phil, and honestly, that worries her. Isolation isn't healthy, and she's concerned for both Dan and Phil to be so hidden from even their families. Dan sleeps long after the phone call ends, well into the next morning. No amount of sleep will cure the exhaustion Dan is experiencing now. He reminds himself the next morning he can see his psychiatrist in just four more days. Just four more days of this before Dan can start on the wild mood swings of adjusting to whatever new medication they decide to try. Who's to say what the future holds? Four days from now, Dan's physical state might be ten times worse than it is now, though he finds it difficult to believe as he sways to the bathroom to silently dry heave into the sink. He can just be grateful he wasn't hungry last night. Today already sucks.   
20:38  
Charlie 🎄  
One thing Phil has in common with Dan’s mum, without a doubt, is that they both worry about Dan more than maybe they let on. Dan’s little nap turns into a full nights rest, and then some. Phil checks on him every couple of hours, maybe a bit obsessively, before he’s finally tired enough himself to crawl into bed next to him. He sleeps lightly, waking almost every time Dan stirs, or makes a sound. He can still hear Karen’s voice in his ears, how worried she sounded, and he made a mental note to text her or something in a couple days, just so she’d know Dan was still okay. Maybe this was a dangerous line to walk. Dan had always been very clear that Phil was not welcome in Dan’s childhood home, that his visits were something he wanted to do alone, on the rare occasion that they happened at all. It was so different to Phil’s situation. And maybe talking to Dan’s mum more than just that once, would be a bad idea. He didn’t know. He’d figure it out later. For now, he was awake again, to an empty bed and the sound of retching a room over, and he sighed, rubbing his eyes and standing up, making his way into the bathroom where Dan stood shaky at the sink. “Are you okay, Love?”  
20:48  
May 🌈  
Dan has tears running down his pale cheeks by the time Phil arrives, not because he's particularly sad, but because he's physically overwhelmed. It takes him a few long moments to calm down, retching eventually turned to coughing, light sobbing, and sniffling. Dan cleans himself up with very shaky hands, leant against the counter to keep his balance. "Sorry," is the first thing he mutters once his body is, at least temporarily, finished trying to kill him. He avoids eye contact with Phil, not wanting to see him look at Dan pitying and worrying for him, just not right now. He leaves the sink on, the sound distracting Dan from his internal mess, "I didn't mean to wake you. I'm sorry." He closes his eyes again, the bathroom light suddenly seeming… just too much. Dan rubs his teary eyes harshly, "I'm fine." He doesn't even try at a sarcastic remark or lame joke, he just can't manage that in this moment. Everything hurts, from his teeth to his nails. He's cold and hot and dizzy and just a bit disoriented.   
21:08  
Charlie 🎄  
“It’s okay.” Phil says softly, one arm wrapping lightly around Dan’s waist to try and steady him. He was so shaky, Phil worried he may fall. “Come back to bed, yeah? I’ll get you some tea and toast, it might help settle your stomach.” He says quietly. Today is going to be spent primarily in bed, Phil can tell. They’ve passed the point of being functional. Now they have to focus more on keeping Dan comfortable, or, as comfortable as possible. In a few more days, he should start to feel less sick as the withdrawals wear off. Then they’d have a new medication to contend with, and a different set of symptoms that would come with that adjustment period. But Phil couldn’t think too far ahead right now. He had to focus on the 24 hours in front of them. “Come on, bear. Come lay down.”  
22:05  
May 🌈  
Dan's agreeable nod is delayed, but it comes. Phil's cold hands usually worry Dan, but right now, they just feel amazing. Dan quickly washes his mouth out with water before letting Phil help him back to bed. "It's my head, not my stomach," Dan argues pathetically, really wanting to avoid food at all cost at this point. Dan assumes the fetal position in bed, cuddling up to Phil any way he can. He sits incredibly still besides the way he just can't seem to stop shivering. It is not comfortable, but Phil is very soothing to Dan right now. Dan quietly begs, "Please, don't leave. I promise to eat later. Just not now. Please." He's being dramatic, he knows, because Phil won't ever really leave him, but right now, Phil is keeping Dan calm as his body seems to fall apart around him. Without the distraction of practically vomiting, Dan starts thinking about his wretched nightmare he had prior to waking up, and he needs a distraction from that. Dan has to remind himself that this will pass. It's just a storm, but it won't last forever, and Dan is safe. His psychiatrist wouldn't let him do this if he weren't completely safe. Dan's heart and liver are plenty healthy. It just sucks for now. It won't suck forever.   
22:10  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sits in bed with Dan while he gets settled, and when Dan starts begging him to stay, Phil crumbles. God, he hates seeing Dan like this. “I’m here. I’m right here. You’re safe.” He promises, letting Dan rest his head in his lap. He combs his hair carefully with his fingers, trying to get Dan to relax. He drapes the duvet over him, and does his best to just be here to support Dan however he needs. “I love you.” He reminds, brushing a few tears away from Dan’s flushed cheeks. He just wants Dan to feel better. And he will, soon. Phil knows that. But he wishes it would happen faster.  
22:24  
May 🌈  
"I love you," Dan replies wholeheartedly, his mind betraying him as he says it. His mind goes right back to the day before when he hung up on his mother before even telling her he loves her, then thought a quick text was enough. When he starts crying again, it's because he isn't thinking clearly, and he's worried about his mum. All his bad thoughts start affecting one another in that scary way Dan never could seem to gain control of. "I didn't tell her I love her. I need to call my mum," Dan vocalizes without meaning to, knowing logically that calling her now would just scare the fuck out of her and do far more bad than good. He settles on, "Just don't let me forget, okay? Please? When I'm okay again."

Dan falls back to an uncomfortable sleep in Phil's lap before he means to, feeling endlessly tired, like he'll never wake up out of this nightmare. Days like this, it's so difficult to want to continue on the so-called path to recovery. Dan is more than tempted to quit taking medicine altogether, he wants to convince himself this time will be different, but it won't be. If Dan doesn't have his medicine, he will lose control of his thoughts, and he'll lose control of himself again. He can't risk that. This is hell, but Dan can't risk losing himself the way he did when he was young and stupid and alone. Dan remains in this fever dream-like state through the next day, spending most of it asleep. When he finally wakes up in the middle of one night, he feels much more physically and even mentally stable, but far less emotionally stable. He feels numb, and that's usually quite a bad sign. He's hungry, at least, so he figured the withdrawal is finished.   
22:31  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil’s chest feels like it could cave in. He aches so much for Dan in moments like these, and he considers telling Dan about his conversation yesterday, but he doesn’t get a chance. Dan is too out of it, in and out of sleep all day, and conscious barely long enough to use the bathroom just once or twice. Phil stays close by. He sleeps like shit, he eats even worse, but he can’t bear to leave Dan’s side for too long. This whole situation is so scary, and it sets off those alarm bells in Phil’s head, at a constant rate. He knows Dan will come through the other side of this, it’ll just take time, but watching it all happen, watching it all get worse as hours go on, has Phil in a perpetual state of near panic. He does manage to sleep in short naps, and it’s during one of them that Dan wakes again. Phil is still asleep, though lightly, one hand resting carefully against Dan’s side. If Dan gets up, it will wake him. And that’s exactly why Phil does it.  
22:47  
May 🌈  
Dan takes his time taking in his surroundings. Moving would be a poor choice, all it would do is wake up Phil, who obviously needs some sleep. Dan remembers the crash his body underwent however long ago that was, but he doesn't remember many details. He remembers feeling like overall shit, but doesn't remember much of what he or Phil said. He remembers Phil feeling very cold, but very present. Phil is a saint and Dan will never deserve him. Phil is always beautiful to Dan, but right now, he seems a little insecure, maybe. Is he having a nightmare? Dan assesses the situation carefully before finally deciding to rest his hand on Phil's arm affectionately. If Dan's physical meltdown was scary to Dan, he doesn't doubt Phil had a rough time, as well. He rubs the pad of his thumb over the blond hair on Phil's arm before turning over to face Phil, his arm wrapping around Phil's waist. Phil doesn't appear to be sleeping particularly well, and Dan's sure he can fall back to sleep quickly enough. Dan mutters under his breath, "Hey." He rubs Phil's back soothingly for just a moment, hoping to help him feel better, "Love you, sweetheart. You can rest." Dan doesn't need to go anywhere, they might as well stay in bed so they can both get some much needed rest.   
22:54  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil feels the warm weight of Dan’s body shift closer against him, hears his soft voice, and it’s enough to draw him out of his weak sleep. The relief he feels opening his eyes to the sight of Dan, looking far more alive, is unshakeable. “How are you?” He asks, the words tripping out of his mouth before his tired mind can even catch up. Dan is telling him to sleep, but Phil can’t do that until he’s confident that Dan will be okay the entire time Phil’s eyes are closed. He wants to sleep, he’s exhausted, but his brain is wired differently than Dan’s. When he was on edge like this, he slept very lightly, for short periods of time. Just enough to keep his body from shutting down, really. And even in sleep, he was on high alert. Easily woken by any movement or sound. That wasn’t going to change until the source of his anxiety was gone. And that could take a couple of weeks, considering the source of his anxiety, was Dan’s health.  
23:35  
May 🌈  
Dan can already tell Phil has been through hell and back right with Dan. He cups Phil's cheek with a steady hand to catch his attention, bring him out of that hole he's likely spent all night digging for himself, "I'm alright. I'm better. I'm…" Dan isn't sure how to express this sentiment better than just saying, "I feel like myself." He gives Phil a half-smile. "How are you, love?" Dan is scared to hear the answer. Dan's worst, most realistic fear is that he's bringing Phil down with him. Maybe last night, that came true. All Dan can do now is pick up the pieces and keep himself together for Phil. Phil looks like more of a wreck than he should, considering it's Dan that is having the chemical dependency issues here. "Baby, relax, yeah? It's okay. I'm right here. Breathe," Dan soothes. He isn't in a great place, but physically, at least he can be here for Phil.   
23:41  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m fine, I’m good.” Phil says, leaning happily into Dan’s touch. He does seem better. More present, more alert, and that eases some of Phil’s worry on its own. Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s middle, holding him closely, and letting his eyes close again. He just needs to stay tucked up here for a few minutes, just to be sure that Dan’s alright. Maybe now the worst had passed. Hopefully. “Are you hungry?” Phil asks. It’s been too long since Dan’s last meal, and Phil’s mind has already started to spin. The Chinese food in the fridge from the other night is probably no longer fit to eat, and even if it’s still good, it’s probably not very tasty. He can make something. It’s the middle of the night from what Phil can gather. Very early morning, perhaps. Maybe he can make omelettes. Get a bit of veg in there so that Dan can have something nutritious. He needs to eat. And drink water.  
6 October 2019  
00:09  
May 🌈  
Dan doubts he'll get back to sleep anytime soon, so he considers, "Sort of. I can wait until morning. That way, we can get back on a normal schedule. Yeah? You should sleep. You look really tired." Even through the darkness, Dan can see the way Phil's eyes turn down just a bit, dark circles threatening from below. He doesn't seem as relaxed and smiley as usual. He just seems off in a way Dan doesn't like to see. Now, it seems all Phil needed to relax was to see that Dan is doing better. Maybe that's part of the difference between a clinical disorder and just a nervous personality: Phil can calm down just as soon as the danger has passed. Dan's been out of his hell childhood for years, and he still can't let it go. It's relieving to see that Phil has the capacity to find peace in ways Dan doesn't quite understand. Phil is okay. Dan can relax because Phil can relax. He remembers their conversation the other day fondly, thinking their bond is something more special than anything else in the world.   
00:15  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil wants to argue, but he finds it difficult when he knows Dan is right. He goes back and forth in his mind for a moment or two. There’s no guarantee Dan will still feel like this in the morning. He should eat something while he has the energy. But, waiting will help them get back to a more regular schedule. And routine is so helpful, for both of them. So he tosses it back and forth in his mind, before he finally decides that eating is more important than routine. They can fix their routine later. “Just something small.” He bargains. Some eggs and toast would be easy, and quick, and better for Dan than cereal, or days-old Chinese. Then they could come right back to bed, and work on getting back into a normal sleep schedule.  
00:25  
May 🌈  
Phil loves Dan so much. Dan can't help but smile because he can see from how hard Phil tries to look past his own need to overcome sleep deprivation to make sure Dan eats, to how softly he poses the bargain, clearly trying very hard to convince Dan to eat without being controlling in the way that frightens Dan when it comes from anyone but Phil. Dan must have been sleeping for a very long time for Phil to be so worried about Dan eating. Dan pecks Phil's cheek, "I'll get up and eat, you sleep." Dan is miles away from the mess of a man he was that night he begged Phil to stay. He thinks he can manage a quick meal just down the hall on his own. If he's at all dizzy and shaky now, it's only because his blood sugar is so low from doing nothing but lying in bed detoxing the past few days. "I'll have some of that frozen fruit we never eat. I don't know, I'll make a smoothie or something. If it's any good, I'll make it again in the morning for us to share." Dan has no idea what time it is now, but judging by the lack of light coming in from the window, he can only guess it's any time but morning.   
00:31  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods softly. That will do. In moments like these, he’ll take what he can get. And if he can’t get Dan to agree to letting Phil make him something, Phil will trust Dan’s promise to get something on his own. “Just shout if you need me.” He says softly. He’ll hear it. He’d wake from the dead if Dan needed him, he was sure if that. Dan trusted so few people. And the fact that he trusted Phil was something that the older man never wanted to ruin. He never wanted to taint that trust by being unavailable when Dan needed him. If Dan were to just shout, Phil would be up. He probably wouldn’t fully get to sleep anyway, not until Dan was tucked back into bed. But these moments came with compromise. Dan would eat, at Phil’s request, and Phil would sleep, at Dan’s request.  
01:06  
May 🌈  
Dan takes a moment to kiss Phil, the taste of sleep on both their lips, but it doesn't matter. It's comforting and loving, just what they need right now. Dan tucks Phil back under the covers before stepping out. He closes the door most, but not all the way, so they can listen out for each other, but won't intrude on each other's space at all. Dan stretches once he's out in the kitchen. It feels good to be out of bed. He checks the time and sighs. It isn't anywhere near morning. He has to find his phone to check the date, and wow. Dan has literally been asleep for the better part of three days. No wonder Phil's so worried. Dan should apologize again. Also, wow, he literally does not feel rested as he should after three days' rest. Depression is a bitch. He throws together a half-asses smoothie using a recipe his brother sent him that Dan doesn't have all the ingredients for. It's a bit difficult to get down, but it does the job. 

Now that he's feeling better, he goes through the notifications on his phone, figuring it's better to get them out of the way now. It isn't like Dan's going to be able to sleep anytime soon. It doesn't take long for Dan to figure out Phil must have been in some contact with Dan's mum on Dan's phone. It isn't an easy discovery, but Dan trusts that whatever Phil's reasoning for being in contact with Karen, surely, his intention wasn't bad. Phil was probably just worried and… Dan can't think of why Phil would call her, even then. The longer he thinks on it, the less sense it seems to make and the worse Dan feels about it. The time stamp shows it was very shortly after Dan spoke with his mother. Phil wouldn't have spoken with her just after Dan left the room, surely. Dan decides it's unhealthy to speculate about the invasion of privacy without Phil's presence to even defend himself, especially off his meds. Dan does not need to be catastrophizing whatever this is. Dan and Phil will sort everything out in the morning. Dan quickly goes through their fridge to waste time, throwing away older leftovers and uncooked vegetables as he goes. 

Whilst avoiding those few texts from his father, Dan ends up texting with Adrian about the trip as he cooks, curious to see what his much younger brother thinks about it. Adrian is naturally confrontational, but not in a way that ever seems very threatening to Dan. Adrian thinks he's better than everyone else as most 20-year-old vegan athletes do, but it's so narcissistic, Dan can't possibly take offense. Adrian is on board with the trip mostly because he loves to travel. Dan finds it endearing that Adrian rarely thinks deeply about these things. Dan regrets a lot about his childhood, but he always protected Adrian, and he takes pride in that he doesn't really talk with anyone but his therapist about. Dan protected Adrian from the YouTube chaos, from bullying at school, and from their messy homelife. Adrian's happy now, and he's safe from the struggles Dan faces with their family. Dan tweets a joke about his pathetic smoothie and spends some easy time on Twitter joking about being up all hours of the night. It makes him feel productive. It isn't a particularly special night, but it is a massive relief to feel so normal. Finally. 

Eventually, having consumed enough snacks to collectively constitute a meal and enough water to cause a draught, Dan has a quick shower and finds himself disgusted with the amount of sweat that accumulated in his hair over the past few days. They ought to change the sheets on that mattress tomorrow. Surely, not now. After an eventful couple of hours, Dan crawls back into bed, still doubting he'll be able to sleep. Dan figures resting will be enough to help reset his fucked internal clock. Tomorrow is a new start. Without the physiological aspect of being off his meds, Dan can focus on his mental health again and get back on his usual habits. He's excited to feel like himself again.   
03:33  
Charlie 🎄  
For a while, Phil tries to sleep. He really does try. But it’s just not happening. He tosses and turns for about an hour, before he just gives up. If it’s not happening, there’s no use pushing it. He can hear Dan moving around, and as much as Phil wants to go out there, check in, hover over him, he knows he shouldn’t. He needs to let Dan take care of himself from time to time. So, Phil just sits up in bed, and turns on his lamp, and reads for a while. It calming, in a way. To get lost in someone else’s world for a while instead of his own. Though by the time he’s bored of that, Dan still hasn’t returned. He can hear the shower running though, and he smiles briefly to himself. At least Dan is taking advantage of this upward moment. Who knew what tomorrow- later today, rather- might bring. With the reassurance that Dan is actually taking care of himself, Phil turns his lamp off again and takes his glasses off, settling back into bed. He should at least pretend to be resting. And while he’s not asleep when Dan comes back, Dan doesn’t seem to notice. Phil scoots up against him once he’s settled, arms wrapping around him from behind, and tucking his head against Dan’s back, right between his shoulder blades, where he presses a gentle kiss. Whatever today brings, they’ll get through it. They always do. And hopefully now the worst is behind them. Dan should slowly start feeling better again, or, as better as he could feel while Unmedicated. But surely depressed and off his meds must feel better than depressed, off his meds, and physically ill. So it was still an improvement, if only minor.  
08:05  
May 🌈  
Dan crawls into bed very carefully, but he isn't surprised to wake Phil. "Hey, baby," Dan greets when he feels Phil's hands settle around Dan's warm frame. He intertwines their fingers and brings Phil's hand up to kiss his knuckles, since he can't easily turn around in Phil's arms to kiss his sweet face, "I love you. Sweet dreams." Dan settles comfortably, feeling quite secure with his partner wrapped around him. This is Phil, he would never go behind Dan's back to do literally anything. He's sure whatever 'good talk with Phil' Karen texted Dan about was not as big a deal as she made it seem. She's mad, right? Phil would never do what she made it seem like he did. Or perhaps what Dan is imagining. Dan's sure it's just his mind playing tricks on him. Dan shouldn't even be thinking about this, it's nothing. It literally has to be nothing, because Dan doesn't know if he can handle the betrayal that comes with what he's imagining might have happened. Dan tries very hard to focus on literally anything else and finds himself thinking about how far north would be too far north to move into a forever home with Phil. Scotland is definitely a hard no.   
08:12  
Charlie 🎄  
“Love you.” Phil murmurs, keeping himself pressed up against Dan’s back, holding Dan close against him. But something is still wrong. Dan doesn’t fall back to sleep, and Phil can feel the tightness in his shoulders and he knows that something is still off. “I can hear the gears in your head turning.” He says after a short while, lips pressing against Dan’s bare shoulder. “What’s going on in there?” He asked. Dan had a tendency to get lost in his own thoughts from time to time. And Phil had entirely forgotten about that phone call. He’d had every intention to tell Dan about it, but he hadn’t gotten a chance to, and it ended up just slipping his mind.  
08:21  
May 🌈  
"Mm," Dan shakes his head when he feels Phil's lips against his skin. "Not right now. We can talk in the morning. You should sleep. Sorry to wake you," Dan explains quietly. "I reckon I've just slept enough. But I want to cuddle." Dan turns around to cuddle up with Phil, maybe that will help Phil sleep. Dan fears sleep won't come easily for either of them tonight. "Are you alright? Don't tell me you've caught my sleep troubles. If I knew they were contagious, I would've spared you. Poor thing," Dan teases, his hand finding the centre of Phil's back to rub soothingly. Maybe Phil just needs to relax. It's likely been a rough few days for Phil, Dan wants to do all he can to help. "Would it help if I… gave you a proper massage?" He doesn't do that enough. It's usually when Dan finds Phil overwhelmed by his own anxious thoughts or when they take date night very slowly. Or, obviously, when Phil is complaining of back pain. Dan often jokes Phil will be paralyzed by the time he's 40.   
08:26  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil still gets the feeling that there’s something Dan’s not saying, but he chooses to leave it alone. He has just woken up from a three day long power nap, Phil can’t blame him for being a bit wired right now. “You don’t have to do that, babe.” Phil says, when Dan offers to rub his back. “But thank you.” He smiles. It does mean a lot to him, that Dan is so willing to try and help. But Phil will politely decline. Partly because he doesn’t feel right letting Dan baby him when he doesn’t really need it, and partly because Dan’s massages often went astray, and Phil wasn’t sure that was the best idea right now, given their current situation.  
08:38  
May 🌈  
Dan smiles and hums lightly in response. He kisses Phil, "Really, honey. Aren't you tired? I don't reckon you've been asleep right along with me this whole time?" Dan tries not to let his mind slip into massage thoughts, Because the next step after that are sex thoughts, so he focuses on Phil's general wellbeing. Dan should really push for their usual routine tomorrow. It's time to get back to normal. Dan's dragged Phil through more than his fair share of this. Phil needs to get some fresh air and sunlight, if at all possible. It might be too late in the year for the later, but some reflective cloud light might have to do for now. Phil likely hasn't been eating right, either, if the contents of their fridge was any indication. Dan feels relieved he's finally able to take care of Phil the way he needs. This has all been very hard on Phil, he'll need some serious TLC.   
08:43  
Charlie 🎄  
“Shh, I’m sleeping.” Phil says, laughing softly and curling up to Dan a little closer. Phil is fine. The last few days have left him tired, and stressed, but he’s alright. He’ll live. He prefers to focus his energy on Dan, and if Dan is well enough to be offering massages, then he’s well enough for Phil to have a nap. When he wakes, he’ll reassess. And if Dan is still feeling better, then they’ll work on getting into a better routine again. If he feels worse, Phil will do what he can to help. “Really though, I’m gonna sleep.” He assured, kissing Dan briefly with a gentle smile. “Please wake me if you need anything.” He said softly. “I mean it.”  
08:52  
May 🌈  
Phil's laugh is a welcome relief. Dan's tempted to make him keep laughing just so he can hear his voice, but he wouldn't dare when Phil is meant to be asleep. Dan pecks kisses all over Phil's face, promising, "I will. I'm fine, but I promise. I'm right here, I'll be right here when you wake up." What else is new? Dan closes his eyes, finding massive emotional comfort just in holding Phil so close. It's time for things to start getting better. "I love you, Philly." Dan does his very best to relax and not tense up like he does when he feels… threatened, for lack of a better term. That phone call is still in the back of his mind, but Dan pushes it down enough that it shouldn't disturb him right now. All he wants to think about is listening to Phil's heartbeat, his soft breathing, and feeling his tight grip around Dan. Everything will be just fine. Things are already looking pretty amazing.   
08:56  
Charlie 🎄  
“I love you.” Phil smiles. “Don’t let me sleep all day. Couple hours, then wake me.” He adds. He can sleep tonight, hopefully. If all goes well today. He imagines it will be a while before he sleeps properly again, but that’s not necessarily out of the ordinary for Phil. He loses sleep over just about everything, and even on his best nights, five or six hours is where his body calls it quits. He sleeps like shit just generally, even when anxiety isn’t a factor. So he can’t really expect too much out of himself right now. If he can sleep deeply for just an hour, it’ll be a pretty good start.  
11:14  
May 🌈  
Dan is happy taking things slow just now. He might nod off to a light slumber now and again, but for the most part, he just relaxes and thinks as the light slowly starts peeking in through around the curtains, some of it threatening to wake Phil. Dan gladly rolls over to discreetly nudge Phil a bit to keep the light out of his eyes so he might sleep longer. When he feels ready, he thinks back to the conversation he had with his mum that seems like it might have happened just last night. Something must have happened between Dan's parents for her to decide on a big family trip. He hopes she's okay. He's usually much more empathetic with her, but her timing really is shit. By the time Phil wakes up, Dan is still feeling stable. His thoughts are more difficult to control than normal, so he knows he'll need to watch his mouth around Phil, but he feels like he can function again. It's a good feeling. He even starts thinking about YouTube, though that usually causes more stress than he'd like. It doesn't matter, really. It isn't anything he needs to be fussing about now, just considering different ideas. Doing stand up at VidCon was really nice. It felt good. Maybe he should do more of that.   
17:09  
Charlie 🎄  
When Phil wakes, it’s definitely morning, and the light in the room is too bright. He buries his face away into whichever part of Dan’s body is closest to him, and gives himself a few minutes to adjust before fully coming around. It seems like Dan is awake, so Phil reaches out to place a hand on him, ending up at his leg and giving a gentle squeeze. He’d actually slept fairly well, all things considered. But for very long, but long enough. “Hi.” He mumbled, voice low and groggy as he still tried to wake up a little bit. “Feeling okay?” He asked. That was always the first thought on his mind when he woke up. Always. But especially now.  
17:22  
May 🌈  
Phil is too cute. Dan pulls him closer when he whines about the light, protecting him from the light with his wide shoulders. He affectionately shushes Phil when he reaches out for Dan. Their bodies fit together perfectly as ever, awkward elbows and knees long forgotten. They know just where to put arms and legs so they're both perfectly comfortable. Dan coos, "Good morning, darling." He brushes Phil's hair off his forehead, figuring it might tickle. "Mhm," Dan promises nonchalantly, surmising that Phil must still be worried. "Still in one piece," Dan jokes lowly, not wanting to disturb the quiet air. It used to disturb Dan more, Phil's unceasing worries and fears. He wakes up and the first thing to come out of his mouth is asking if anything bad happened while he was asleep. Dan's used to it now, he knows there isn't much he can do to help if Phil isn't comfortable seeking help. All he can do is reassure Phil in any way he can. Which, forehead kisses isn't a bad place to start, so Dan gladly starts there. "Did you sleep alright? Feel good?" Dan is more than happy to stay in bed a while longer, but this is about the time they usually start their day.   
17:28  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil grunts a little as Dan’s full body weight rolls over him, but he really can’t complain. It’s a good sign. Considering for the past three days Phil could hardly get Dan to respond to him in any way, even when he was awake. So having Dan awake and alert and maybe even almost happy, felt like a huge weight off his shoulders. “M’good.” He murmured, stretching his arms out above his head before letting them wrap tightly around Dan’s warm body. Today, they would try to get back to some kind of normal. It didn’t have to be perfect, but just waking up and going to bed at their regular time would be a start. Phil wasn’t quite ready to stop fussing over Dan yet. Not that he’d ever be ready. But this was Dan’s first good day this week, and that needed monitoring, Phil thought. “What have you been up to?” He asked, knowing Dan probably hadn’t slept again.  
20:55  
May 🌈  
Things feel lighter this morning. It's a very good feeling. "Just relaxing, really. Taking it easy. Giving the Edward Cullen thing a shot. You're very beautiful when you sleep," Dan bants, reminiscing about when they used to joke about that often. It would be an inside joke if it weren't such a massive cultural phenomenon. He offers lightheartedly, "Can I interest you in a smoothie? I think I figured out what went wrong last night. Adrian was literally no help at all. Bad vegan teacher. But, I think I can make it better on my own. Protein powder was just a bad idea altogether. Also, just a fair warning, I might have superpowers now. I may or may not have consumed, like, literally 200 milliliters of it because I didn't want it to go to waste." Dan chuckles at his own misfortune. "I promise not to make you consume 200 milliliters of protein powder."  
21:01  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can’t help but smile. Dan is rambling on the way he always does, making jokes, and it’s just so nice to see. After days of watching him grow more distant, and less like himself, it makes Phil feel so much better to see Dan beginning to come around. “Mm, I’ll try one.” He agrees, though he makes no effort to loosen his grip on Dan. “But stay here for a bit. I’m not awake yet.” He chuckled, rolling so they could lay on their sides, facing one another. “You’re pretty.” He added, smiling tiredly. The morning light in their windows always flattered Dan. His curls were freshly washed and fluffy, his eyes shining, and he looked so much more like /Dan/. Fully present, not lost in thought like he had seemed to be a few hours ago. So whatever it was Dan had been thinking about, it must have slipped his mind now.  
21:13  
May 🌈  
Phil's smile is beyond words. Dan can't help but kiss him, a smile or two nestled between their mouths. Dan keeps Phil close, just enjoying him in the morning light. "Mm, that's sweet, just don't put your glasses on," Dan teases. He knows Phil doesn't like the self-deprecating ones, but that's gentle enough, right? Dan is all too caught up in Phil to worry about his mum right now. It's still there, but Dan isn't willing to ruin this moment with his insecurities right now. After so much bad, he thinks they deserve a spot of good. They deserve soft epilogue moments every now and again. Dan and Phil are good people and they've suffered enough. Phil, especially, deserves to feel alright. "You're the pretty one," Dan says, his fingertips running through Phil's short-cropped hair. "Who gave you the right? It's distracting. You'll cause a motor accident one of these days, walking around like that." Dan kisses Phil once more, his touches all delicate to preserve Phil's sleepy, resting state.   
21:18  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil laughs softly, burying his face into the side of Dan’s neck. He can’t even be bothered to scold him for his self deprecating jokes. He’s too sleepy, and too happy for that. Instead, he stays pressed in close, his lips trailing absentmindedly across soft skin. “I’m so glad you’re feeling better.” He whispers. It may be temporary. A moment of high before another low. Sometimes that happens. And if it does, that’s okay. They’ll get through it. But for now, it’s nice to just enjoy the peace, and the calm, before another inevitable storm.  
21:43  
May 🌈  
"Me, too," Dan replies easily. "I'm sorry for scaring you, love. I just remember having loads of weird dreams. And, like, being sick. I feel so much more alive. It's good." Dan runs his hand up and down Phil's side, thinking his skin might be the softest thing Dan's ever touched. Certainly, he thinks, as he feels Phil's lips on his neck. He really can't be held responsible for the little noise that slips from his mouth in the shape of Phil's name. Dan laughs a little, "Careful, you. Don't start something you don't plan on finishing." Dan doesn't make any move to stop Phil. They probably shouldn't, Dan knows, but right now, it's seeming all too tempting to slide his hand down under the covers. Dan starts convincing himself it will be alright, they're just being overly cautious by abstaining. Maybe that's true, Dan has only very rarely had a bad experience in bed with Phil, and not in years. But, when the experience is triggering for Dan, it's one of the worst things he's ever felt. Those thoughts are far from Dan's mind now, all he sees is how beautiful Phil is.   
21:50  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m not starting anything.” Phil laughs softly. “Not my fault if your mind is in the gutter.” He smiles. Though that’s not exactly a bad sign either, if Dan’s mind is beginning to wander. It means he’s coming around again. Sex is something they’ve both learned to keep off the table when Dan is feeling low. When his emotions are more unstable, it sometimes acts as less of a pleasant distraction and more of a very unpleasant reminder. And Phil never wants that. There have been times in the past where they’ve been in the middle of something, and it’s like a switch gets flipped. Either by a sound, or a sensation, or maybe something Phil says, he’s never sure. But something changes, and they have to stop, because Dan becomes too upset to continue. Those situations are rare, but it has happened, and the last thing Phil ever, ever wants to do is make Dan feel unsafe. In any situation, but particularly when they’re so exposed and vulnerable to begin with.  
23:10  
May 🌈  
"Tease," Dan chastises gently. He kisses Phil once more, "I'd better get up before we get into trouble. Take your time, I'm going to turn the heat up in the flat and try for that smoothie. Nearly froze my hands off trying to finish the one from last night." Why Dan didn't think a drink made from frozen fruits would make him cold, he couldn't really say. Maybe he just wanted to feel closer to Adrian, if just for an hour. Now that he's free from his withdrawal to feel any way he pleases, Dan's emotions are likely to be all over the place. When he last ran out of medicine, he seriously debated going back to university, which Phil kindly reminded him was a miserable experience in the first place. Maybe Dan's just feeling a bit nostalgic for his family right now. And just like that, from sex to smoothie, Dan's mind is right back to obsessing over that phone call. Phil has been more than a perfect guardian angel this past week, Dan needs not to ruin what content they're finding today. Dan pecks Phil's lips once more before shuffling to get out of bed.  
23:14  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, watching Dan’s expression closely. It shifts quickly, a rapid flicker of different emotions, before settling on something that looked vaguely like unease. Similar to the look he’d had last night. And while Phil was no mind reader, he seemed to know that Dan’s thoughts had circled back around to whatever thing had been troubling him. And he remembered Dan saying they’d talk about it in the morning. Well, it was morning. “Wait, stay a minute.” He said, pulling Dan back in and kissing him again, a little more properly. “You said there was something you wanted to talk about.” He reminded. Better to get that done early. Otherwise Dan was going to stew on it all day long.  
23:26  
May 🌈  
Dan hesitates. Maybe part of him just really doesn't want to hear the answer to this, but he just feels wrong. Dan just wants to stay in that kiss and pretend the night with his mum never happened at all. Dan's jaw tenses when Phil pushes the subject again. He doesn't even know what to say, really. He's never… confronted Phil before. Phil just doesn't do stretchy things, he's too honest for that. "Um." Dan leans back down against his elbow, feeling weird about bringing this up in bed. "Phil," Dan feels all kinds of shit about even bringing this up, "Phil, did you speak with my mum? Just after I did?" His voice is quiet and obviously uneasy. Maybe Dan's mum has just gone off the deep end and lied about the whole phone call. Maybe the details of the conversation were just lost in Dan's detox. Dan would believe that long before he'd believe Phil would cross such a serious boundary of Dan's. "Or am I just… confused? She sent this strange, long text about you, I don't..." Dan shakes his head, expecting Phil to dispute all of this. Dan would take Phil's word far over his mum's.  
23:27  
Sketchy* (not stretchy lmao)  
23:32  
Charlie 🎄  
When Dan spoke, nervous and unsettled, Phil’s eyes widened. “Oh, shit. I meant to tell you, but I never got the chance. I’m sorry, love.” He said, holding Dan a little closer and pressing a kiss against his shoulder. “After you went to bed the other day, she called again. Twice, actually. You had hung up on her pretty abruptly, and I figured she must be worried. I just didn’t want her to freak out or something.” He explained. “So the second time she called, I just answered it. She was worried about you. And I just told her you weren’t feeling well.” He said. “That’s all. I promise it was nothing weird. I know you don’t... I know you like to keep us separate, but it was five minutes. We didn’t talk about anything, really. I just told her you were under the weather and she asked me to tell you that she loves you. She was a little upset that she didn’t get to say it.” He said, hoping that the explanation would put Dan at ease, and that he wouldn’t be too mad at Phil for answering her call.  
7 October 2019  
08:42  
May 🌈  
Phil's explanation does not put Dan at ease. It seems so simple, but to Dan, it isn't. He didn't want to deal with this right now. Or ever. Dan's guard is up and he doesn't know when it will come back down again. Phil was likely just nervous about the whole situation, so he… acted out? It feels shit because Dan opened up to Phil about something deeply personal and painful at a difficult time, and he gave Phil the benefit of the doubt, even when he took Karen's side the whole time instead of supporting Dan. Maybe Dan was ill and not thinking clearly, but he wanted Phil's support. Now, he's talking to Karen behind Dan's back. Dan knows it isn't true, but it feels deceptive. He doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything at all. This is why he doesn't like the idea of Phil and his mum in a lot of contact, Dan has a horrible, paranoid thought that she'll turn him against Dan. Any influence she might have on their relationship scares Dan. He doesn't want Phil to change, he likes him just as he is. Well, not really right now, but before. Dan doesn't even know what to say. Dan it's aware it's his mum who crossed the line a lot more than Phil, but Phil played a part. It just sucks. "Okay," Dan mutters before trying to turn and get up out of bed again, just wanting some space to think.   
08:52  
Charlie 🎄  
In the long silence that follows, Phil knows he’s not getting out of this Scott free. Dan clearly has some negative feelings about it that he doesn’t vocalize. And Phil doesn’t entirely understand. Nothing bad had happened. Phil hadn’t said anything g to her that Fan wouldn’t have said himself. She hadn’t said anything rude, or mean. In fact she’d been quite sweet, and quite worried about how Dan was doing. She’d even seemed a little upset. The conversation had lasted all of five minutes, and Karen had seemed quite eager to get off the phone. It was really an utterly harmless interaction. And Phil hadn’t done it with any ill intent. He just didn’t want Dan’s mum to worry, and he didn’t want Dan’s phone to be constantly ringing. He couldn’t imagine what part of this situation was upsetting to Dan. But it didn’t matter if he understood or not, because Dan was upset regardless. “Dan?” He said, sitting up when Dan did. “I’m sorry. I know that crosses a line for you.” He said. He’d give Dan space if that’s what he needed. But first he needed Dan to know that he was sorry. That he hadn’t done it with bad intentions.  
09:18  
May 🌈  
Dan shakes his head, not wanting to say something he'll regret. He rubs his face in frustration, just thinking a moment or two. "Look, I…" Dan doesn't know how to express his feelings in a way Phil will understand. How could he? He's never been cast to the side by his own mother the way Dan has. He's never been ignored and neglected. Better yet, Phil's the youngest child, so he's always been prioritized in ways he probably doesn't even see. But that's a perfect example of Dan crossing the line, saying something he'll regret. There's no need to bring Kathryn or Martyn into this. "I understand that I fucked up. Yeah? I hung up on her and just left my phone out because I wasn't thinking right. That's my fault. But, I don't… owe her any explanation. I texted her and apologized for hanging up. There was no need to talk to her at all. She kept calling because she's an obsessive control freak. It isn't my - or your - job to calm her down. Now, she's not going to stop until I tell her what's going on, because she knows something's up." And there's that unspoken Thing. Karen doesn't need any excuses to put Phil into any of her categories of who she thinks he is. Phil won't understand, he'll just keep giving her the benefit of the doubt, no matter what Dan says. "It's just a line for a reason, okay? For a lot of good reasons." Dan doesn't know how to explain this to Phil. He doesn't want to, because he expects Phil to take Karen's side because he doesn't understand the real situation.   
09:27  
Charlie 🎄  
“I know.” Phil says softly, placing a hand gently against Dan’s back. “I know, love. And I’m sorry.” He adds. Phil just wishes that he understood. He knows that Dan feels the way he feels for a reason. That didn’t come out of nowhere, surely. And maybe Phil doesn’t see the types of things in Karen than Dan has seen. He’s aware of that, and he’s not trying to take anyone’s side. Whatever happened, or continues to happen between Dan and his family, is their business. Not Phil’s. He just wishes he knew a little more. It would help him understand where Dan was coming from. “I didn’t think it through. She kept calling, and... I just thought maybe she was worried, and I just wanted to let her know you were alright so she wouldn’t panic. And it’s it my place to do that, I know. Like I said, I didn’t think it through, it was this split second decision. And I am sorry. It won’t happen again.” He promised. And he meant it. He didn’t want Dan to be upset. He had drawn these lines very clearly and Dan’s boundaries were more important than Phil’s empathy.  
09:52  
May 🌈  
Phil is so much better than Karen could ever understand. That's the tragedy of it all: she'll use Phil's goodness in all the wrong ways. Dan feels like he's been violated and it isn't Phil's fault. He's just being his usual thoughtful, kind self, but Dan can't help but worry. "You don't deserve this," Dan admits. "You have this beautiful, loving family that has been nothing but accepting and supportive of us and of me. I'm sorry I just can't give you the same. It will never be like that. Can you try to understand? I don't have that love." Dan wants a perfect world where his family treats him and Phil with respect, at the very least, but that won't happen. "You usually respect my boundaries, right? My parents do not. My mum will keep calling and pushing and nagging and guilting me into giving her what she wants no matter what I say. She knows what I want, but she'll keep calling, anyway, because it will always be about what she wants. All I can do is turn off my phone and try to let it go. I'm sorry I brought you into this. I really shouldn't have told you what I did about them that night, I'm sorry for bringing you at all into it. None of it is your responsibility. I'll just shut up and keep you out of it from now on." Dan looks at Phil in what feels like helplessness. Phil doesn't deserve to understand, it would only hurt him. But, times like this, it hurts Dan for him not to understand. Dan just feels alone, defensive, and hurt. Phil can't fix that.  
10:05  
Charlie 🎄  
This might be the hardest part of all this. Knowing, being able to see so plainly that Dan wants to talk. That he wants to tell Phil these things and let him in and catch him up on all the things he doesn’t know, and yet he holds back. To protect himself, Phil thinks. To keep a firm and distinct line between the people who make him happy and the people who stress him out. And Phil understands that to an extent. But to another, he sometimes feels like he barely knows Dan at all. It’s quite odd. Phil has no secrets. No matter the topic, Phil will answer any question Dan may have. He’ll tell any story. Even when it might be painful to do so. Because Phil doesn’t need that separation. No matter what Dan knows about Phil’s family life, or his childhood, it will never change the fact that Dan is home. Dan is his person, regardless. And part of Phil wishes Dan felt the same. Because Phil’s not going anywhere. No matter what Dan could possibly tell him. “I just wish I understood.” He said softly. “I know you don’t want me to know these things, and you know I’ll never push you to talk. But I want to understand, Dan. I’m not asking to get involved. But just knowing... being more aware of... you know, certain events, or things that have happened, or why you feel the way you do about some things... I think it would help. I don’t know. I just love you. And sometimes I just... it’s like I’m seeing you through a window.” He said. Even after all this time, Dan had so many walls around his heart. And someday Phil would earn his full trust. Someday. Today, all he could do is watch through the glass.  
10:23  
May 🌈  
Ouch. Dan may inadvertently, physically wince at Phil's words. That hurts a lot more than anything his mum has done as of late. What the fuck did Dan's mum say to Phil? Dan looks at Phil speechless, shocked at how much that hurt. That evil part of him he works so hard to protect Phil from is tempted to lash out, dare him to come to a therapy session, walk a mile in Dan's shoes, see how that feels. But Phil isn't doing this to hurt Dan, he's just being honest. "What exactly do you want to know?" Dan asks, trying very hard not to sound bitter. He doesn't understand why Phil can't just take Dan's word for it. Does he not trust Dan's experience? Is it not enough to be honest with Phil about his feelings? Phil has to know every little detail about every shitty, little thing that ever happened to him? Dan only wants to protect Phil from that trauma Dan didn't get a choice in.  
10:34  
Charlie 🎄  
“Nothing, right now.” Phil says gently. Dan clearly doesn’t like what Phil is saying, and he’s not going to push. Phil is just trying to explain how he feels. He’s never been good with his words. And he doesn’t know how to verbalize what he’s thinking. Dan seems to hold Phil so far away sometimes. And for what? He chooses not to question it any further. This conversation is going to go nowhere, and Phil is only going to dig himself into a hole if he keeps on. He needs to back down. He wishes this made more sense. He wishes he knew what had happened in Dan’s life to leave him so scared. He wishes he knew how to help. How to ease some of that fear. He wishes he knew Dan’s family better. He wishes for a lot of things, and maybe that’s the problem. He’ll never get more than what Dan is willing to freely give. He may never get past that wall. He may forever need to love Dan through that window, and if that’s the case, so be it. He just hopes that someday Dan can heal. From all the things Phil doesn’t know about. “I’m sorry. I love you. This is just confusing.” Phil said softly, leaning his head against Dan’s shoulder for a moment. Confusing was a good word. Very fitting.  
14:43  
May 🌈  
Dan isn't upset with Phil, how could he be? He's upset with the situation. Even when they're disagreeing, Phil is just doing it to be closer to Dan. Dan wraps an arm around Phil's shoulders, feeling all kinds of conflicted. Phil is deeply precious to Dan, so naturally, Dan wants him to be close. Dan wants to let him in, but if "in" is just going to hurt Phil, change their relationship, or otherwise break Dan's heart, he doesn't see any good in it. Maybe it's just something they can't have. "That's not true," Dan says more softly after he takes some time to think about it, maybe calm down some. "Why would you say it if there isn't something you want to know?" Dan reminds himself that he and Phil aren't working against each other, they're working together. They both want the same things, but maybe Phil doesn't realize how unrealistic it is to want certain things from Dan and his family. "I think I've made it more than clear that my parents and I have issues. For real reasons, it isn't just something I made up in my head. Don't you know me better than that? I hate conflict. So, if you still don't understand, if you can't take my word for it, then… just tell me what you want to hear."   
17:50  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighed. “It’s not that I don’t believe you.” He says softly. “I don’t want you thinking that, or thinking that I can’t take your word for it. I can. I have for ten years, haven’t I?” He says, just wanting Dan to understand what he means. “It’s just that... all I know, is that you have family issues. That’s pretty vague. That could mean anything. And sometimes that makes it hard to understand why you’re so upset.” He says, one hand resting against Dan’s leg. “And obviously I’m not entitled to any details. You don’t have to tell me anything at all. It’s not my business, and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. All I’m trying to say, is that I feel like I could support you better if I knew a little more. Does that make sense?” He asks quietly. “Like, all this stuff with your mum. I know you two have problems. I believe you when you say it’s for good reason. But any time I’ve ever spoken to your mum, she’s been a sweetheart. So it’s difficult for me to take the woman I’ve met, and try to understand how it’s different for you. If I knew... anything, it might be easier.” He explained. “And the same goes for any person or topic that upsets you. I can support you better if I know the actual reason that it hurts. That’s all I’m trying to say, love. I’m not asking you to tell me every nitty gritty detail. And I don’t want you to tell me anything at all if it’s going to make you more upset.” He finishes, deciding he’s rambled long enough. He just hopes that Dan understands. Phil feels a bit powerless to help him when his problems seem so vague. It’s a bit like going to the doctor and telling them you have pain, but then refusing to tell them specifically where the pain is located, or how it started.  
21:51  
May 🌈  
When Phil says it, it all makes sense. No, Phil won't change or leave, he isn't like that. Why does Dan keep having to remind himself of that? His fear of abandonment just isn't going away. That's the root of all of these issues, isn't it? Dan can't trust any good from his mum because he's convinced as soon as he does, she'll take it away. Maybe Karen is self-centered and she struggles to put Dan's needs first, but Dan is an adult, he shouldn't still need to be his mother's favorite son. That's only a small piece of the puzzle, but it's important here and now. Dan has good reason to be uncertain about his mum, but Phil? Never Phil. "I'm sorry," Dan sighs. He kisses Phil's temple, "I love you. You're right, I'm sorry. I really am. I don't want any of this to affect you." He scoffs, though his tone is soft when he finally opens up, "That's the problem, she puts on this face as such a sweetheart. She is so good when she wants to be. The best mum ever. She was, a lot of the time. We were happy for a long time when my dad was gone. That just made it hurt more when she checked out because dad decided to come back or Adrian was born or she got a new job, because all of that was more important than me. She wasn't there for me when it wasn't convenient for her. Everything went to shit at secondary school and I came home and I was alone. Except when Dad was home, in which case Dad was an asshole and I took the fall so he wouldn't scream at Adrian or mum or the bloody dog or whatever. And I'm a fucking idiot, so I just… think you'll check out, too, eventually." Dan clears his throat, "My point is that she's only nice to anyone when it's somehow serving her, Phil. She's nice to you because… well." He isn't sure how involved he wants to get about that particular subject.  
22:01  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil listens, and makes an effort to understand. Was it really a case of her casting aside anyone and anything that wasn’t benefiting her in that moment? Was she just bad at prioritizing? Or was it something else? He thinks he understands what Dan means when he trails off. “She’s nice to me because... she thinks it’ll get her closer to you?” He tries. Maybe that’s not it. But maybe it is. He thinks back on the handful of times he’s interacted with her. All of them perfectly pleasant in Phil’s memory. She was sweet. She had Dan’s dry sense of humour, and she was very no-nonsense. Straight to the point, and she tended to say whatever was on her mind. But that had never seemed like a bad thing to Phil. She was assertive. She wanted to be heard. Didn’t everyone? Phil never had a single problem with her. Or with any of Dan’s family, really. Dan’s dad was less talkative. Less interested in Phil as a person in general, but even he was polite, any time Phil found himself in an interaction with the man. But Phil hadn’t known them as long, or as closely as Dan knew them. So perhaps the people he’d met were wearing some sort of mask. Maybe they were just nice to him because they thought they could win Dan back that way. Phil didn’t know. This is all so confusing, and maybe he’ll never fully understand. He just wants to /kind of/ understand.  
22:15  
May 🌈  
Dan looks down at Phil's hand on his leg: it's easier that way. Dan takes the brave step of holding Phil's hand, though his own is shaking now. "Phil, when we met, I was nearly 18. You were 22. I went to Manchester Uni just because it was closer to you. I moved in with you just after I turned 18. Then, I dropped out of school, quit my job, and now we do literally everything together. I am... obsessed with you." Dan tries laying this out as gently as possible, "My dad suspected from the beginning. I had tried coming out to him when I was a kid, he… proper freaked out. He hit me. For the second time. He's different now in that way, but he's convinced that you… are controlling. To me." Dan can't quite get the words out. "That's… It was our big argument last year. It was about me. And you, sort of. And now that he and Mum are together again, and I'm out, and they know…" Dan shakes his head. "They don't know anything. They don't listen to me and this is all just a big fucking mess. So, it's just easier not to get involved. It's just easier not to pick up the phone, Phil."   
22:23  
Charlie 🎄  
“He thinks I control you?” Phil asked, the sting in his chest a bit undeniable. He and Dan were close, obviously. Very much so. Their lives and careers were so entwined. But it wasn’t unhealthy. They weren’t codependent. They both had their own friends, outside of each other. They had their own hobbies and interests that the other wasn’t part of. They could spend time apart, and they did. Their relationship wasn’t unhealthy, and Phil certainly didn’t think he was controlling. “I... I mean I guess I can understand why they’d have been wary of me in the beginning. Travelling hours away by yourself to meet an older dude you met on the internet is really a recipe for disaster.” He chuckled dryly. “But... still? Do they still not like me?” He asked. He knew they hadn’t liked him in the beginning. For reasons that he’d always viewed as pretty understandable. But he had kind of assumed they were past that. Surely they could see how happy he and Dan were together? Was that not enough?  
22:32  
May 🌈  
"Phil, it's just an excuse. It's causing problems because they don't understand that I can be genuinely happy. It's causing problems because it's easier than being supportive. Phil, look, you're perfect," Dan finally meets Phil's eyes, nervous at the thought that this is affecting Phil in any way. "I mean it. It isn't about you, they literally have no idea who you are. They just do not think in normal, healthy ways. They're narcissistic and pessimistic and they don't know all the good there is in the world. There's so many problems and I can't… I can't fix all of them. I just can't. I won't spend the rest of my life trying so hard to prove myself and us. I will not do that." Dan squeezes Phil's hand, "They're toxic to me. They aren't abusive, but the way they treat me makes me uncomfortable and unhappy. It isn't how parents should be. Sometimes, it isn't some tragic story on the news about a family so abusive, police get involved. Sometimes, there's just no love and it just hurts. To me, that's enough. I don't want to make myself miserable the rest of my life trying to make them happy."   
22:40  
Charlie 🎄  
That sticks. Phil has never been able to piece the puzzle together in a way that makes sense to him. But when Dan says the words ‘there’s just no love’, something clicks inside Phil’s head. That’s what he’s been failing to understand. He’s been trying to figure out what /happened/. What evil, abusive thing did Dan’s parents do to him, to make him the way he is? But maybe... maybe there was no event. Maybe nothing /happened/. Maybe they were just a group of very different people who had been brought together by happenstance and they just didn’t feel particularly strongly towards each other. And maybe that’s all there was to it. They were a family by the textbook definition, but they might as well be strangers. “But your mum does love you.” Phil pointed out. “And you love her. You tell her every time you get off the phone. And she tells you.” He said. But maybe it just wasn’t the type of love Dan wanted.  
22:51  
May 🌈  
"There's different kinds of love," Dan replies simply. He explains slowly, "She can say she loves me all she wants, because I'm her son, and we had a lot together. But… what does she do to love me? Not just say it, but to make me feel it?" He tries to say it in a way Phil will understand, "Do you love your great uncle twice removed the same way you love your dad? Why is that? He's family, isn't he? But he wasn't there to raise you. You never depended on him. You might say you love him at holidays or on Christmas cards, but that doesn't mean you love him the same as you love your mum or Martyn. It's different." The fact that Phil hardly understands what Phil is talking about really gives Dan faith in humanity. People don't all suck, Dan just got unlucky the first 17 years. Phil trusts people. He believes in people. People gave him plenty of reason to. Phil was really the first person to ever give Dan faith. "I love you, Phil. Not the same way I love my mum. Not anywhere close. Because you show me you love me. You treat me right. You make me happy."  
23:01  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is definitely starting to understand. There are different kinds of love. You love various people in your life in different ways. Based on a lot of factors. Everyone loved certain people more strongly than others. Your parents, your best friend, your partner, were all people that most people would love the most. But for Dan, there were different people in that category. “I love you too.” He said softly. “And I’m sorry. You deserve all the love in the world, Dan. And I’m sorry you weren’t given that.” He said. It really did explain so much. Dan had far fewer people in his inner circle than Phil did. Phil had a lot of love to give. To Dan, to his parents, his brother, his grandparents, his friends. Many, many people. Dan’s love was more limited. More sacred, and protected, and given only to those who Dan felt had proven they deserved it. Phil tended to love unconditionally. And Dan was much more selective.  
23:16  
May 🌈  
Of course, Phil would find the absence of love much more understandable than the pain of being hit by a parent or bullied at school. It's less intense, a whole lot less to shoulder. Dan's cheeks burn when Phil apologizes. Oh, God, is he going to cry? It comes on so quick, Dan doesn't have time to shove the tears back down. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Dan is ruining everything by being a baby. He wipes his eyes quickly, "Sorry. Jesus." Dan is totally ruining their moment. Phil sees him and it is overwhelming. No depression or vague tragic backstory to hide behind, just that ever present, empty place in Dan's chest where maybe something should be. And Phil can see all of it. It's more than feeling naked, it's presenting Phil with the place that hurts most, the one place Dan can't protect, and trusting him not to make it worse. Dan leans further into Phil's side, needing a lot more support now than he thought he would after this conversation. He curls into Phil's body for a hug, just wanting to be held, "I'm sorry."  
23:25  
Charlie 🎄  
“No, no. For what?” Phil asks, laying back on the bed again and gathering Dan in his arms. He hadn’t expected Dan to cry. For a moment he feels like he’s done something wrong. But he soon realizes that Dan is just... vulnerable. He’s opening up to Phil in a way he normally doesn’t. This time there’s no wall. Dan’s feelings aren’t being explained away by some vague reasoning, some allusion to tragedies past, or a nervously stuttered excuse. It’s finally just all out in the open. And there’s really not as much as Phil would have expected. Dan has not been loved the way most people were. It’s been held back from him for so long that now, as a grown adult, it seems like it’s all catching up to him. An absence of love has made Dan cling to any ounce of it he can get. It’s made him so very careful about who he gives his time and attention to. It has hurt him over and over in so many different ways, and it all boils down to the fact that Dan has not been loved enough. “Don’t be sorry. Let it out, Bear. It’s okay.” Phil whispered.  
23:40  
May 🌈  
Phil would literally lie here holding Dan all day if he decided to cry so long. It really only lasts a few minutes, but it feels like an eternity. Dan comes out the other end shocked at himself. This was supposed to be about Phil understanding, not a therapy session for Dan. Dan isn't ready to get up and face the world anymore. Not even close. He feels shaky and insecure in a way he doesn't really recognise. "Phil, do you know you're actually my hero?" Dan finally asks, his eyes aching when he opens them to look over Phil's chest, "I've said it before, but you saved my life. You weren't trying to, you were just loving me, just being yourself. That's what I mean when I say you don't have to try. This is what I mean." Phil thinks love is easy and natural. It is to Phil, but maybe Phil didn't realize Dan is the one who has to put the work in. "I'm sorry for putting this on you. I'm sorry I can't be easy." Dan holds onto Phil tightly.   
23:50  
Charlie 🎄  
“I don’t need you to be easy.” Phil said quietly, holding Dan securely against his chest. “You’ve never been easy for a single moment.” He chuckled. “I just love you. That’s easy. The hard part is making you believe you deserve it.” He whispered. Maybe that would always be a struggle. Phil had so much love for Dan, and sometimes Dan was blind to it. But Phil was never going to stop loving him. He didn’t know if that was even possible. Dan would have to do something very, very wrong to make that happen. And Phil didn’t think Dan was capable of that. Even if he was, Phil didn’t know if he was capable of hating him. Or even disliking him. Phil had never really experienced that. He’d never had any sort of major, dramatic falling out with someone. He’d drifted away from old friends, he’d broken up with exes and been broken up with as well. But it had never been explosive, or even all that upsetting. People grow and change. Not everyone stays in your life forever. And Phil never left a relationship with hard feelings, When Phil lost someone he loved, it happened quickly, and permanently. Disease, or accident, or even intention. And those situations were irreversible. Every other bridge could be mended.  
8 October 2019  
00:10  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't know where Phil ever found the patience for Dan. He doesn't know what he ever did to deserve this, but maybe he's totally missing Phil's point by thinking this. Okay, so yeah, Phil has a point. Dan presses a kiss to his chest, really feeling very deeply loved. He promises, "I'll put it on the list. Just for you, because you're so cute." Cute is the understatement of the century. Phil is, in Dan's humble opinion, the best person to ever walk the face of the Earth, but maybe Dan's just a tad biased. "Are you okay?" Dan asks with a sniffle now that he's done crying and finally calmed down, "Really. That was… a lot." Dan would apologize again, but he suspects that's making the situation worse. Dan rubs Phil's chest, hoping to soothe whatever might be eating away at him in there. He knows where Phil holds his stress, usually in his chest or his back, but also in a number of other places when it gets particularly hard to carry.   
00:18  
Charlie 🎄  
“I just feel... a bit silly, for never understanding. And I feel bad, that you had to go through so much. I don’t know, it’s... a lot.” He agreed. “But I’m okay. Because you’re here. And I love you, and I’m always going to love you, and someday you’re going to believe me.” He chuckled weakly. “I’m sorry that people were so awful to you before we met. And I’m sorry that some people are still awful to you now. I’m sorry you don’t get all the love you deserve.” He whispered, his lips pressed carefully against the top of Dan’s head. “I can’t control the way other people treat you, but I can promise you that when you’re here, you’re loved.” He said. As long as they were here, inside their own home, together, there was nothing but love. Phil couldn’t control anything else. But he could make sure of that.  
00:40  
May 🌈  
"It's always been that way," Dan reminds Phil. "You didn't need to understand. That's what's so special about you, love. You just loved me, anyway. I've always been loved here. I get all I need from you. You're my whole world." It's cheesy, but Dan really means it. He means every cheesy love song he's ever heard on the radio, every sappy poem he's read in a textbook, and every Valentine's Day Hallmark card. For Phil. "You don't know what you mean to me. You have no idea." Dan can explain all he wants to Phil, but Phil will never know what it feels like to have so close to nothing and then be suddenly loved so intensely. To then be loved consistently for ten years afterward. Before Phil, all Dan knew was half-baked promised and broken hearts. He didn't know commitment or trust until he met Phil. "Can you blame me? For thinking you're too good to be true?" Dan asks a little more lightheartedly. He shifts to cup Phil's cheek and kiss him in that soft, loving way that relaxes his every muscle. The thing is, until Karen starts blowing up Dan's phone, none of that matters. Dan doesn't think about that every day, or even every week. He saves that for an hour-long therapy session and lets it go, because it's all just past trauma. Dan has his needs met here at home with Phil. He isn't a lonely, emotionally disturbed child anymore. He made it out. He's becoming more okay every day. Most days, he's deeply happy. Dan loves his life, he wouldn't have it any other way. He wouldn't trade Phil for anything in the world.  
00:47  
Charlie 🎄  
“But if I say it out loud, I have to stick to it.” He chuckled, returning Dan’s soft kiss for a long, drawn out moment. Sure, maybe it had always been an unspoken promise that with Phil, Dan was always safe and loved. But unspoken promises were easily broken. Once you spoke them, you were committed to them, and Phil would never be anything less than fully committed to loving Dan. Loving someone wasn’t just a choice you could make. You either loved someone, or you didn’t. There was no forcing it. But continuing to love them, every day, no matter how difficult it was, that was a choice. And Phil would choose Dan every single day, for the rest of forever, even on the days when Dan was a little harder to love. The future was a weird topic. Marriage, children, retirement, growing old together, that stuff was as much up to fate as it was to their own decisions. But loving Dan was something Phil had absolutely no problem committing to.  
09:04  
May 🌈  
Sometimes, Dan hasn't any idea what Phil is on about. He has no reason to think Phil would ever not stick to loving him, but if this makes Phil feel more confident about things, that's all that really matters. Dan just needs Phil. Dan asks once their kiss ends, "Can we stay here a while? Please?" He feels exhausted again now that he's been through the ringer with his emotions. It isn't a depressed feeling, he's just sensitive. He doesn't know that he can handle letting go of Phil right now. Rest never hurt anyone, right? They can spend the morning here in Dan's little safe place in Phil's arms in his bed, then start their routine just a little later. Dan doesn't want to face his cell phone or the harsh morning light or the cold hard wood floors just yet. Just a bit longer believing he's safe and loved and intimately understood. That last one has him feeling uneasy in the very best way. It's Phil, so naturally, Dan isn't worried, it's just something to get used to.   
09:12  
Charlie 🎄  
“Of course.” Phil says, without hesitation. Maybe they’d both originally planned to get back to a more regular routine today, but so what? They could work on that tomorrow. Or any time at all. Phil’s top priority is, and always will be, Dan. No matter what Dan needs, Phil will try and provide it. Always. He would truly go to the ends of the earth to see Dan smile. And most days, that was a fairly easy task. But in the days that a smile was a little harder to pull out of him, Phil gave his all. Today, it didn’t seem that Dan was particularly unhappy. Just overwhelmed. He so rarely opened up to Phil this way, and so of course it must leave him a little raw. Phil could understand that to an extent. Phil had the same tendency to keep things in sometimes, to avoid placing his issues onto anybody else. And there was something so viscerally uncomfortable about letting someone see those things. So if Dan wanted to stay and cuddle for a while longer while he processed it all, Phil wouldn’t blame him a bit.  
10:27  
May 🌈  
Today is a very good day. Eventually, the mortifying ordeal of being known passes, and all that's left is Phil and Dan's love for one another. Dan is very much in love today, and he makes sure Phil knows it. He can hardly be torn apart from Phil for as long as a few minutes at a time. He holds Phil's hand like he's been entrusted with protecting some precious, fragile amulet with nothing but his hands to do so. When they cozy up together on the couch, the TV can hardly distract Dan from rubbing Phil's back or playing with his hair. He feels infatuated with Phil all over again, like he's that lonely teenager all over again that would do anything to be by Phil's side. He's careful with his jokes today, not daring to touch on self-deprecation right now. He does work to make Phil laugh, though, because it feels like healing to do so. Maybe it isn't all that different from any other day, but it feels different to Dan. As it turns out, Dan didn't destroy their relationship. If anything, they're closer than ever. That in itself is such a massive relief, Dan doesn't know what to do with it. Dan doesn't feel depressed today; he just feels loved. He hopes Phil does, too. They finally make it out of the flat some time after noon, and it's like torture not to hold Phil's hand. Dan 'accidentally' bumps into Phil's hip every so often playfully, just to make him smile. It's a beautiful day out. As they're walking out of Starbucks and down toward the park, Dan mentions, "It was September last I checked. Not that I'm complaining, but where did autumn run off to?"   
10:37  
Charlie 🎄  
Their day winds up being more normal than Phil thought. Most of it spent inside, just recovering and collecting themselves, before they ventured out into the world sometime after lunch. It was warm today, unreasonably so. But still, the leaves were just beginning to turn, signalling a change of season. And Phil couldn’t help feeling like that was some kind of metaphor. He sat down when they reached the park, in their usual spot by the pond. Even if it was too warm for him to properly feel the autumn vibes, he knew that soon, the ducks would disappear for the winter, and that part of their little routine would change. He wondered briefly where they all went. Did somebody keep them? Was there someone in London who would come collect thirty ducks and keep them warm in the winter? Did they all fly south? Do ducks hibernate? Phil was so lost in that train of thought that it took him several moments to realize Dan was talking to him. “Where do the ducks go when it gets too cold?” He asked, bypassing Dan’s small talk about the weather and getting right to the point. It was strikingly off topic, but this felt like a question that needed an answer.  
10:57  
May 🌈  
Ducks. It seems like a question just begging for a sarcastic response, but Dan instead humors Phil, because it doesn't really seem like Phil is trying to pull one over on Dan, "The ducks? They go south before winter starts. Probably, like, France or Spain or somewhere it stays warm. It's like a primal urge or something, right? All of a sudden, they all just start flying. You'd know better than me, darling, you're the one who worked at a veterinary hospital." Phil's animal hyperfixation is just endearing to Dan at this point. He doesn't find it strange anymore, it's just another quirk that makes up Phil. "We can do something else when it starts snowing," Dan suggests, thinking maybe Phil is just worried about their routine. "We can… Oh, I don't know, we can sneak onto the roof and watch the city lights. They have ice skating downtown. We can people watch, or..." Dan trails off, feeling a bit melancholy at the thought of losing this little ritual for a few months.   
11:06  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods. “My veterinary experience is about one hour in total.” He chuckled. “Sorry, weird question. I just don’t want them to get cold.” He said. Phil was too softhearted for his own good. Would anyone else sit here and worry about whether or not the ducks were keeping warm? Probably not. Though Phil’s attention is pulled to Dan as his voice gets lower, and softer, before eventually trailing off. “Whatever we decide to do, we can do it while feeling jealous that these guys get to spend their winter in Italy or wherever.” Phil chuckled. What a life. Though Phil supposed he and Dan could spend a winter in Italy if they wanted to. But they probably wouldn’t. Phil would get too homesick, being away for that long.  
11:16  
May 🌈  
Dan snorts out a chuckle at Phil's mention of his whole hour of veterinary training, "That's more than I can say." He sighs, teasing, "I think evolution has duck warmth under control." Dan has issues, yeah, but he has to admit, Phil trying to control a lake full of ducks because he's suddenly concerned they'll get freeze over winter? It's a little obsessive, to say the least. Dan takes a quick look around the near-empty park before wrapping an arm discreetly around Phil's shoulders, though it really looks more like he's just resting his arm on the back of the bench from any angle other than his and Phil's. "Italy, romantic. These birds are going to get l-a-i-d." The extent to Dan and Phil's time in Italy has been on their world tour, in which they only briefly left their hotel room to perform at a venue or two before promptly returning to their hotel room to consume vast amounts of Italian food.   
11:22  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil has to laugh at that. “I suppose there’s only so many tourist attractions for a duck to see.” Phil chuckled. “Gotta keep busy somehow.” He smiled. This may be up there on the list of strangest conversations, but somehow Phil doesn’t mind. It feels very normal. Very regular, just to sit and chat without that pressing worry in the back of his mind that Dan’s mood could drop at any moment. The worry was still there, of course. They weren’t out of the woods yet. But Phil was feeling much better, now that Dan was feeling better. “We should go on holiday.” He said after a moment of quiet. “Not right now, obviously. But maybe after Christmas or something. It’s been a while since we went somewhere just for the hell of it.” He smiled.  
14:32  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs along with Phil, a smile on his face. Then, Phil brings out what he's really been thinking on. Oh. That makes a lot more sense. It isn't anything like his mum asking about a holiday. Phil just genuinely wants to enjoy life with Dan. The suggestion isn't angsty or demanding or threatening in any way. Phil just loves Dan. The way Phil asks it gives Dan that feeling he's been getting for Phil more frequently as time goes on: that kind of love that makes Dan want to go to the next level with Phil, whether that be marriage or really coming out or maybe moving into their forever home. In sum, Dan really wants to kiss Phil and is really disappointed he can't just now. "We can't miss the ducks, can we?" Dan teases with a smile. "Yeah, I think, um…" Dan can't get too sappy right now, or he'll drag Phil all the way home just to kiss him, so he thinks logically, "I think we're ready. That world tour was… really intense. But, I feel good. God, you remember Japan? That was so bloody long ago. We loved it so much, though. It was actually the most fun I've ever had. I'm ready for that again. Let's get the fuck out of England. I would love to go to Italy with you, sweetheart."   
16:54  
May 🌈  
[Just a warning I'm in a small town and PG&E might turn off our electricity for 5 days, so if I disappear, that's why]  
17:27  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil glances over at Dan, and smiles gently at the sight of him. Sometimes Dan gets this look on his face, and it’s hard to explain, but the best word Phil can come up with is “stunned”. Like he just can’t believe what Phil is asking. But it’s not a bad thing. It’s a warm sort of look, as if someone has placed a candle inside Dan’s head and the soft glow of it is flickering in his eyes. Phil doesn’t understand it, really. If you were to only see Dan’s reaction, you’d think that Phil had proposed or something. Not asked him to maybe go on holiday sometime after Christmas. But, it was cute nonetheless. Dan could be so adorable sometimes. “Well, then maybe that’s what we’ll do.” Phil chuckled, glancing around briefly before daring to press a little kiss to Dan’s cheek. That would be nice. They could spend a week or two in Italy, get away from cold and dreary London for a while, and see a little piece of the world they hadn’t gotten to fully enjoy.  
17:27  
((Oh wow, okay! Thanks for letting me know!))  
17:27  
May 🌈  
[Oh wow is right I'm going fucking feral]  
17:49  
May 🌈  
Being with Phil is as easy as breathing and debatably more important. This is how it should be. It shouldn't be meltdowns and big fights and repressed trauma, it should be as easy as loving each other and wanting to be together. "Mm, I reckon a couple of ducks are going to get l-a-i-d," Dan jokes, trying not to get too sentimental right here. Yeah, it's their spot, but not really. This is just where they go to get fresh air, enjoy some wildlife. Home is their spot. "We'll need like a gallon of sunscreen. Actually. Even in the winter, the sun is just… so damn bright," Dan recalls. "You remember, we were outside all of- what, ten, twenty minutes? And you came in looking just like Martyn's baby pictures, your face was all red and you had, like, spontaneously grown freckles. Such a mess. Your poor skin. You're so Northern." Phil even has a history of getting sunburnt right here in London on bright days. Dan will admit he isn't much better off, but it's fun to tease Phil about it.   
17:58  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil scoffs. “You think I’m gonna take you all the way to Italy to have sex with you? We can do that here. I’m taking you to Italy for the pasta.” He said, though the warm smile on his face made it blatantly clear that he was only teasing. A nice little getaway would be nice. Two weeks in a new place, sightseeing, eating as if the carbs don’t count, and maybe spending a day or two closed away in their hotel room, enjoying their vacation in a different way. Just the two of them, somewhere new, where they could hopefully fly under the radar. As much as Phil liked bumping into their fans, it was something he preferred to avoid whenever they were on holiday, or otherwise just trying to relax. He knew it was unlikely they’d get away with unplugging and disappearing for two weeks. Someone would spot them somewhere and people would know. But hopefully they’d be able to have some space.  
9 October 2019  
00:21  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs like he doesn't have a worry in the world. With Phil, what does he really have to worry about? They'll always be okay so long as they have each other. "I can't even argue with that. You're right, how can sex possibly compete with authentic Italian food?" The more Dan thinks about it, the more excited he gets about it. "Your mind. You're amazing. You always know the right thing, don't you? You're so clever." No matter the situation, Phil just always seems to know. That's how he's so successful on YouTube, for example. Phil always knows the right times to post, the right things to say, the right people to build connections with. Maybe it's at least partially because Phil overthinks everything, but Dan thinks it's also because he's just special. Phil is creative, fun, happy, bright, intuitive… Those things can't be taught with an English degree, they're just things that make Phil who he is. Phil takes that special thing everywhere he goes. Dan doesn't know how he ever got so lucky.   
00:29  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil laughed softly, listening to Dan brag him up. Phil was sure he could do just about anything and Dan would just be completely enamoured by it. “It’ll be fun. We’ll start planning it once things settle down a bit.” He said. After Christmas would be good. They could ring in the new year in Italy, or wherever they ended up going. Stay for a couple of weeks, decompress, relax, and then get back to their normal lives again. It would be good for both of them.  
12:27  
May 🌈  
Phil is completely right, Dan is completely enamored by most of the things Phil does, but it certainly isn't for nothing. Dan is Phil's biggest fan because Phil is actually an amazing person. Dan feels totally justified in his romanticization of Phil. Dan is so excited to be done with all this medication drama so they can start living again. He wants to get back to normal again, it's been too much chaos for too long. Things haven't felt quite right since Dan hinted at his coming out in his second to last video, things have been especially tense since then. It only got worse during pride month, and just as things started to calm down, Dan's mental health took a nosedive. Just one thing after the other. If only they can get through this medicine switch, things can be okay again. Better than okay, Dan reminds himself. Dan and Phil can have fun and start living life again, not just muddling through. "Let me see your phone?" Dan requests, since his is somewhere back at home doing little more than contributing to tabletop clutter, "You look really beautiful and I want a picture of us with the ducks."   
12:47  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, and reaches into his pocket for his phone. He’s sure Dan must have a million pictures of them both with the ducks already. But who is he to deny Dan such a simple pleasure? Though Phil isn’t sure how beautiful he can possibly look, with his hair messily pushed back rather than properly styled, with his glasses on, probably in need of a shave. But he knew better than to question it. He hands Dan his phone, before reaching into his other pocket for the little bag of birdseed. They seemed to go through a lot of this stuff. Phil always had some on hand, for the ducks, and for the pigeons that visited their porch. And as he pulled out the bag, the ducks seemed to know, because several of them started coming a little closer. Phil loved them, really. “We should have a duck pond at our house.” He said aloud. He wasn’t sure how realistic that was. But Phil could only imagine how lovely it would be, to have a few of their own little ducks, in their own backyard, on their own land. Maybe one day.  
13:00  
May 🌈  
Dan does have about, without exaggeration, a million and a half, pictures of Phil, nearly half of those of the two of them. He saves his pictures religiously in different files and programs just in case. He doesn't look through them too terribly often, usually around their anniversary when Dan is feeling in need of a good cry, or sometimes when they're apart and Dan is really missing his partner. Phil is precious to Dan, he treasures his photos of him. Dan opens Phil's camera and looks around for a good spot to take the photos, "Over here by the tree, yeah? The light is good there." He discreetly starts taking pictures of Phil before warning him, the candids are usually some of Dan's favorites. The ducks join them on the grass beside the pond and, without getting too close, Dan snaps some photos of them all together, tickling Phil just enough to get a real smile out of him, not one of those fake ones he uses with fans. Dan calls it off when a duck starts getting too close to Phil, "Come here." He protectively pulls Phil a step away before throwing some seed from Phil's bag at it. "Cheeky thing," Dan chastises the bird. For all that Phil loves wildlife, it does not always love him.   
13:08  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil laughs softly when Dan gets seemingly creeped out by a particularly brazen bird. “Babe, it’s a duck. How much harm can he do?” Phil chuckles. Phil is fairly certain he could take this duck in a fight, if it came to such a thing, but it was more likely that the poor thing was just hungry, and excited. The ducks, while nervous, did seem fairly accustomed to people. Especially the younger ones. And this little guy is small enough that Phil thinks he’s probably one of this year’s ducklings. The spring is always his favourite time to come here. When the eggs start hatching and the little babies start appearing. The little ones get awfully brave, often coming within petting distance, which Phil quote enjoys. Dan is always a bit more wary. Probably for good reason. But fingers crossed, Phil has never seen a duck get aggressive.  
13:22  
May 🌈  
Sometimes, Dan swears Phil belongs on an animal farm. He's so comfortable with nature in ways Dan doubts he'll ever understand. Maybe part of that was Phil's fun childhood in the countryside, but it isn't like Phil is exactly the rough farm type. He just truly loves animals. Dan would much rather appreciate them from afar, usually. "Look, all I'm saying is they have corkscrew penises, Phil, what other horrifying secrets are they hiding?" Dan jokes with a fake cough, "So. That duck pond." He slips Phil's phone back into his pocket out of habit, too distracted by the conversation to realize he should keep his hands off Phil's hips. "Why don't we start with something… easier?" He suggests. They've talked about how they just don't have the time to care for a cat or dog, considering they sometimes leave their apartment abandoned for months at a time for world tours. They don't have any tours planned anytime soon. They don't really have much of anything planned soon, except Phil's vague ideas to get back on YouTube after his much-needed break. Maybe something that won't live all that long, less of a commitment. Something they could easily trust a friend to watch over if they, for example, fucked off to Italy for two weeks. "I dunno. Like, a fish maybe? That's aquatic. Would you like a fish?" Dan is well aware it's a dumb question, Phil would like any animal.  
13:30  
Charlie 🎄  
“Don’t body shame the ducks, they can’t help their weird penises!” Phil laughs, leading Dan back towards their bench to sit for a while longer before they’ll have to start heading back home. Phil is glad that things feel so normal again. He knows this isn’t the end of it. Once Dan starts a new medication, there will be an adjustment period to that, which may get a bit rocky at times. But for now, things are about as stable as they can be, all things considered. Maybe Phil can start working on his next video. He’s thinking, still. He’s got an idea, but he’s not sure about it. He’ll run it past Dan at some point, but now isn’t the right time. Now, Dan is running an idea past him, and it’s one that makes Phil smile brightly. “Really?” He asks. Phil has suggested small pets before. A fish, or a hamster or something. But Dan has always kind of avoided it. Phil did talk him into a shrimp, though Tony had recently left them. They’d grieved long enough, Phil thought. A fish might be nice. “That would be perfect for us, wouldn’t it? A little betta or something.” He grinned.  
13:53  
May 🌈  
The smile on Phil's face makes Dan really regret not suggesting a pet sooner. "Yeah, really. Things are finally settling down now. We're settling down, right? Just taking it easy, enjoying the little things, growing up a bit. I think it's a good time." Getting married and retiring to the countryside can wait. Maybe this is enough for now, maybe it's just what they need. It sure seems like something Phil needs, by the way he lights up. Dan smiles right along with Phil, if not a tad more subdued, "I'll do some research on it tonight. You remember that Jenna Marbles video? Fish are a lot of work, but I reckon once you get the aquarium set up at the right levels, it's a lot easier." Dan wants to be involved. They can raise their fish together, be responsible together. They're finally both coming to a place where they can do something like this, and Dan is really excited about the prospect. "Are we really going to do this?" Growing their family, making home just a little bit more home, it's all the kind of domesticity Dan never really thought he deserved.   
14:01  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiled, leaning gently against Dan’s side, and taking his hand. PDA be damned. “It’ll be a good little test.” Phil smiled. “If we can keep a fish alive and happy, then I’ll feel better. We’ve figured out how to keep plants alive, a fish seems like the logical next step.” He chuckled. Dan was right. They were beginning to settle down. And Phil liked that, more than he ever thought he would. He wanted to spend more time on that. He was always so work focused, it didn’t leave much time for personal growth. With Dan’s extended YouTube absence, Phil had become primarily responsible for their income, and while he was happy to do anything to keep Dan comfortable, it was a bit exhausting at times. They’d agreed to both take a break after their coming out videos were posted, and while Phil did want to return soon, he didn’t want to go as hard as he had been these last few months. He wanted to slow down a little, focus less on his career and more on his /life/. He wanted to visit friends more, see his family more, he wanted to buy a house and get a dog and get married and start a family. In due time, of course. For now, a fish was good.  
14:20  
May 🌈  
Dan glances around the park when Phil gets closer and even holds Dan's hand, but he agrees it just doesn't seem to matter right now. Maybe it doesn't have to matter at all. Ever. So long as nobody here looks sketchy or dangerous, what does it matter? It's really only families here today, so what difference does it make? They're safe. Dan feels like everything is just falling into place. "We can become fish YouTubers. God," Dan can't help but laugh at his own silly suggestion. "Fuck the gaming channel. Fish content, here we come." Dan has gotten into the habit of totally neglecting his career as of late. It's just become too much for him to handle. He puts too much pressure on himself to perform a certain way so as to make everyone happy, and that just isn't possible. He wants to be successful, but not too successful. This was Phil's career, after all, and Dan inadvertently took the limelight from him. Dan has millions more subscribers than Phil, and he never wanted that. Phil has been repeatedly disrespected at every turn of his career, from stolen ideas to lost radio opportunities. As it is, Phil is more successful when Dan is involved in his content, and Dan doesn't want Phil's career dependent on Dan in that way. He knows Phil can do so much better, but Dan feels no matter what he does, he inhibits Phil's growth. Phil's career means so very much to him. So, Dan doesn't get involved whenever possible. He doesn't think about it at all, because when he thinks too much, he goes back to that bad place. It's really only one part of the issue, but it's substantial.   
14:28  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil laughs a little, bit he sees the gears turning in Dan’s head and he knows to steer this conversation in a new direction. YouTube is something Dan has been a little weirded out by for a while now. At first he went with the idea that Dan was stepping away so that he could focus on coming out, and all the hurdles that came with that. Dan had spent months working on that video, whereas Phil had filmed his in an afternoon, and posted it the next day. Coming out was a much bigger deal to Dan. For Phil it was just... the hundredth time he’d done it, and he was kind of over it. But it was different for Dan. And now that his big video was out there, Phil had to wonder if he would start making videos again. Sometimes it seemed like he didn’t want to. And that was fine, of course. There was no pressure. Phil was only curious. “Well, should we head home, love?” Phil asked. The sky was beginning to change colour now, the sun beginning it’s descent. “Maybe we can stop for dinner on the way. Try that new little diner maybe?” He suggested. It would be a nice little date. If Dan was open to that. Phil knee he was still pretty sensitive about being seen together in public, in ‘romantic’ settings.  
14:42  
May 🌈  
Phil always seems to know what's best for Dan. For a while, Dan had forgotten about his mental health altogether, he could just be happy here with Phil. When it starts creeping in again, Phil casually changes the topic. Phil is always looking out for Dan, and Dan adores him. In the cheesiest way, he still makes Dan's heart skip a beat with his pet names. Dan nods in agreement with a smile, "Yeah, that sounds really nice. That place looks so cute." Before standing with Phil, he has a moment. As it is, nobody can really see them holding hands, as most of their bodies are shielded by the bench, but… Phil doesn't let go of Dan's hand. Which. Logically, Dan doesn't see any specific reason he should, except they never do this. They've literally never walked down a street, any street, holding hands before that Dan can recall. He looks at Phil for direction, unable to come up with a good, reasonable argument against it. He manages to ask more quietly with quite a bit of reservation, "Do you... Is this okay?"  
14:47  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sees the pause, and he waits for Dan to gather his thoughts. If Dan doesn’t want to do this, then they won’t. No questions asked. Phil would never put him into an uncomfortable situation. And by now, Phil is well used to appearing platonic with Dan in public. After ten years, it was second nature. It when Dan turned to him for guidance, he smiled softly, and nodded. “Only if it’s okay with you.” He said gently. “Just let go if it’s too much.” He added. Being out was a major step, but it wasn’t over. It was never over. And Phil wanted Dan to take it all at his own pace. Phil was used to this. He’d been out, at least on a personal level, for a very long time. But it was all very new and fresh for Dan, and Phil was more than understanding.  
15:18  
May 🌈  
Dan is speechless. He's torn: his instinct is to reject Phil because their safety is more important to him than holding Phil's hand for a fifteen minute walk, but Dan has to remind himself that instinct isn't serving anyone. They are safe, aren't they? This is their neighborhood, they moved here for a reason, they feel safe here. People here are kind. Dan makes a deal with himself: so long as it's daylight and there are good people around, there's really no reason they shouldn't, right? Dan trusts Phil. Right now, that means he needs to trust people, too. Dan bites his lip harshly before nodding hesitantly, "Okay." Dan is not a scared teenager anymore. He's a grown man, he doesn't need to be afraid anymore. Dan hesitates another pathetic moment before bravely standing with Phil to head toward the diner. Dan walks closely to Phil so as not to make a spectacle of their hands. He really feels like a coward, unable to just relax, still trying to hide, even when he's trying to be brave. To someone like Dan, who has faced violence at home and in school for even suggesting he be anything but straight, this is not easy. If it weren't for the cool, London night air, Dan's hand would be sweating bullets in Phil's. Dan doesn't look around like he usually does, he just keeps his head down, trying not to be noticed. Dan recognises that this is important, he just can't help reacting. He's too stubborn to let go and too distracted to remember to breathe, but he does what he set out to do, and it is every bit as scary as Dan built it up to be in his head.  
15:27  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil hates seeing Dan so scared. And part of Phil wants to pull away, for the sole fact that Dan is uncomfortable, but he reminds himself that this is the kind of thing you can only get comfortable with by /doing/. If Dan is ever going to overcome this particular hurdle, he has to actually do it. And see what it’s like, and see how it makes him feel, and go from there. So instead of pulling back, Phil just slides his thumb back and forth, in gentle little circles, hoping to keep Dan calm. Phil knows what a big deal this is. Many things could happen. They could be spotted by a fan, who might take pictures and post them online. A stranger might find their simple affection to be an offensive political statement. If someone felt brazen enough, they could get called names. There was even a chance, though small, that someone could even get physical. Those were all constant possibilities. And it affected Phil’s anxiety as much as it affected Dan’s. But Phil firmly felt that no matter how scary it was, this was their right. They were not doing anything wrong, and they shouldn’t have to feel like this. He was on high alert, of course. Keeping an eye on every passing stranger. If he felt for a moment like things were going badly, he would pull away. But very few people even gave them a second glance. A few did double takes. Even fewer looked displeased. And by the time they reached where they were going, Phil’s heart rate had calmed a little. It wasn’t so bad.  
15:38  
May 🌈  
Really, the only reason anyone might give Dan and Phil any interest is because they're both so freakishly tall. Dan drops Phil's hand the second they enter the diner, feeling accomplished, if nothing else. Somehow, the world did not end because Dan walked down the street holding his boyfriend's hand. It wasn't even worthy of a panic attack, so he has good news to give his therapist now. They take a seat at a small booth in the corner of the restaurant and Dan feels like he can breathe again. This is good, even if it doesn't feel good right now. Dan has to get over his fear of… well, his fear of people, really. Maybe he has to get over his own internalized homophobia, as well. He doesn't want it, but it isn't going so easily. Dan lets out a deep breath of relief, muttering an apology to Phil. Sometimes, he doesn't know why Phil puts up with him. He makes everything so much more difficult than it needs to be. Dan rubs his face, and in just a minute or two, he's back down from his anxiety high. Everything is okay.   
15:48  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, letting Dan process everything in quiet. It’s a big step for him. For both of them, really. It might be something so simple, but after all this time, it’s also very special. “I’m proud of you.” Phil says quietly after a moment, his foot tapping against the side of Dan’s beneath the table. He leaves it at that. He’s proud. Incredibly so. Dan still has a lot of fear to overcome. But hopefully it will be easier now that he’s out. Surely nothing would ever scare him as much as posting that video had scared him. Phil remembered the night he posted it. It had taken hours. Dan had paced around the house all day. He’d called his therapist twice. He and Dan had talked at length yet again about all the pros and cons. And finally, that evening, Dan found a moment of courage to hit the upload button. Phil had helped with some of the filming, but Dan had expressly asked him not to watch the full video until after it was posted. So while Dan went off to have a long, emotional shower to deal with his emotions, Phil had sat and watched. Many of the things Dan talked about, Phil had already known, to some extent. Other things left him blindsided. And when the video was over, and Dan returned, they spent the whole night wrapped up together, phones and laptops turned off, and quietly weeping to each other. It was a rough night. But a good one. An important one. And every night that followed was a new day in their new life together, and Phil didn’t think either of them were used to it yet.  
17:03  
May 🌈  
The video, though 45 minutes long, certainly wasn't enough to express everything. Dan spent his long shower in solitude that night preparing to tell Phil all that he left out of the video: the way his father really treated him, the way that camping trip spent with his bully really went, the way he really feels about all of it. It wasn't something he ever wanted to tell Phil about. Phil believes in the goodness of this world, and Dan never wants to threaten that. He wants Phil to feel safe, like the world is a fundamentally good place. The truth is that sentiment simply doesn't reflect Dan's experience. It was important, and none of Dan's fears came true. Maybe one of these days, Dan will stop being afraid. Maybe the world will prove to him he's safe in it. This was a good step in the right direction. Once he's really breathing again, Dan intertwines their legs under the table. Everything is okay. He says that to himself a lot, but now, he starts feeling it. "Thank you, baby," Dan says. Not just for the praise, but for pushing Dan and taking care of them. Things are changing and they will be okay. "I love you," Dan says proudly in a busy diner. The waitress hears as she approaches them with menus, and Dan doesn't even care. If the waitress cares, she doesn't show it. She treats them just like anyone else.   
17:58  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is a little surprised to hear that. At least at that volume. Dan’s I love you’s tended to be spoken only within the walls of their own home, and whispered very quietly if they were anywhere outside of it. So to hear him say it like that, here, could have easily brought a tear to Phil’s eyes. They ordered their drinks, and the waitress leg again, and Phil studied the menu, while his mind wandered. He couldn’t believe how far they’d come. From 18 and 22. Scared, and nervous, unsure what they were doing at any given moment. Unsure where their lives were going. Unsure if this crazy thing between them was real, if it would work, if they could do this. To now. 28 and 32. Established careers. Goals, ambitions, plans for the future, all of which included each other. They knew it was real. They knew it would work. And there was no turning back. Nervous boys, to nervous men, they’d both grown and changed so very, very much. And they’d done it all together.  
19:54  
May 🌈  
Things seem more concrete every day. The world makes more sense, Dan feels more secure all the time. Their lives make more sense the more they work on them. It's taken a long time, but Dan thinks he knows what he wants. They have a really lovely date, talking about fish colors and aquarium designs and even other little creatures they might put in with the fish to keep them company. "I remember reading snails are usually quite good when we were looking into shrimp. Wouldn't it be nice to have shrimp again?" Things are normal. Dan overcame a huge fear at least once, and it feels really, really good. Dan feels in control. He and Phil have a right to their love, they shouldn't have to hide. And they don't have to hide. Dan doesn't want to hide anymore, and that's really big for him. This week has been life-changing. By the time they're home, Dan and Phil are smiley and giggly and tired. "Time to dive into the dark part of YouTube: FishTube," Dan jokes as he plops down on the couch and turns the TV on.  
20:03  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles happily as he sits down on the sofa with Dan, pulling a blanket over their laps. He’s glad Dan is getting so into this. Phil knows that Dan likes to feel like he has a purpose or whatever, and this seems like the perfect thing. A little fishy for them to take care of will be just what Dan needs. He always throws his entire heart into stuff like this. This fish is going to have the best life, because Dan will sell his soul to be sure of it. Dan tended to obsess over whatever living thing he was taking care of. Even his little succulents. He was going to be so good with a fish, or a dog, or whatever other thing- or one day maybe even person- that they brought into their lives.  
22:13  
May 🌈  
Dan absolutely does obsess over the potential fish. It's all he really does for the next few days until his psychiatry appointment. He has some ups and downs, but generally keeps his head above water by focusing as much of his attention as possible on everything fish-related. It isn't particularly easy or comfortable to be off his meds, but considering they weren't working before, anyway, it isn't much worse than before he started detoxing. He's excited to get back to normal. The first part is the worst part, and that's well over now. By the time he's a professional soon-to-be fish father, he's nervous about seeing his therapist again. Dan is always worried that his problems will be too much or not enough, but as usual, she's very kind and understanding. They decide on a few options that they think will work best for Dan right now, then Dan heads down the hall to see the psychiatrist and give her the same story, just modified to be a bit shorter to get to the point. They decide on something stronger than the last SSRI, but not too strong. This one is good because if Dan doesn't feel it, he can safely take another in the morning. This one has a relatively low risk of suicidal thoughts, which is one of Dan's biggest worries, not that he would tell Phil that. All of this will just worry him. What's important is that Dan is doing what he needs to feel better. And better he certainly does feel. This new drug is a mild sedative, so Dan falls asleep more quickly than expected and sleeps very deeply. Dan doesn't need a second pill the next morning, he feels good as soon as he wakes up. The medicine doesn't take a week to build up like the last one did, which is surprising to Dan. He gets right out of bed to take a shower, put some food on the stove, and even put some laundry in the machine. It's more than just relief, Dan feels really alive, and excited to be alive. He listens to upbeat music with earbuds on so Phil can sleep in. Dan ends up cleaning the kitchen before he tires himself out and goes back to fish research, now far off the topic of Betta fish and onto other types of fish, just in case. By the time Phil wakes up, he's humming along to Janelle Monae while taking fish notes in his phone, clearly consumed in his own little world.   
22:21  
Charlie 🎄  
Dan’s appointment seems to go well. He comes home with a pharmacy bag, and some bags below his eyes, but otherwise, nothing too dramatic. He doesn’t tell Phil much about the appointment. He never does, really. Just that he’s to take his pill at night before bed, and if he needs to, another in the morning. He always does like to tell Phil about his pills, mostly just so that Phil can remind him if he forgets. But that’s about all the information Phil gets, and that’s okay. He takes that to mean that the appointment was relatively uneventful. Dan takes his first dose that night, and sleeps like a rock. Phil knows this because he’s awake every hour, on the hour, just long enough to nervously glance in Dan’s direction. Upon hearing him snore, which Dan only tends to do when he’s sleeping very soundly, Phil manages to get back to sleep. And when he wakes in the morning- late in the morning, for him- he finds Dan’s side of the bed empty and cold, as if he’s been gone quite some time. So Phil gets up, slipping into his glasses and his slippers, and heads out into the lounge where Dan is simultaneously listening to music, watching yet another fish video, and playing on his phone. Multi-multi tasking. “Well don’t you look productive.” Phil smiled, plopping down next to him. “How are things?” He asks, knowing that Dan will understand what he’s asking.  
22:38  
May 🌈  
"That's just the way you make me feel! La la la la..." Dan sings quietly, but nonetheless passionately and significantly off pitch. The captions on the TV are more than enough for him to keep track of the verbal instructions. "Oh, baby! Sorry, good morning," Dan quickly pauses his electronics to talk to Phil. He leans over to give Phil a kiss, very happy to see him, "I'm great. I slept so good, I don't even remember sleeping. Ugh." Dan asks, "Did you sleep okay? Are you alright? You look a bit tired. Coffee's in the pot." Dan can't have any, but he's glad to make it for Phil. "Toast is also ready to go, just turn on the toaster," Dan reports. He isn't particularly helpful in much more than the basics. "We're nearly out of cereal, I thought we could go to the store today." Relative to Dan's mood the past month, even, his mood now might seem a bit manic, but relative to any healthy, functioning person on this planet, Dan is just normal and healthy and happy.   
22:43  
Charlie 🎄  
Dan kind of makes Phil’s head spin. One pill and he’s like a whole new man. Phil is so used to Dan taking things one step at a time, even on the old medication. But today he seems to have so many tasks on the go that Phil canny keep up. He’s got more energy than Phil thinks he’s ever seen. And he briefly wonders if such a drastic and immediate change is a good thing. They’ll have to give it a few days, he supposed. Let Dan get adjusted to feeling emotions again, and see if things levelled out a bit. For now, it was just nice to see Dan so bubbly. “Christ, when did you get up? You’ve gotten more done in a couple hours than I can do in a week.” Phil chuckles, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist. It was just nice to see him taking an upward turn. After last weeks hellfest, Dan deserves to feel good.  
22:56  
May 🌈  
Dan beams, obviously elated to be feeling okay again. He can really, really be here for Phil. Dan is generally cautious about good things, especially good things in abundance, but right now, all he wants is a death grip on all that good. He doesn't want to let it slip by. Maybe this time, things really will get better. "The sun was just rising when I woke up, so… what, four hours ago?" Dan has a couple of photos of the sunrise from their kitchen window in his phone, but he isn't about to pull his phone out when Phil is cozying up to Dan. Dan kisses Phil's cheek, then his lips, being slow and gentle with Phil since he just woke up and isn't yet caffeinated. Dan reaches forward to rub Phil's shoulder, seeing as he's tense as usual. "You get a lot done all the time. I'm just catching up is all." Dan pushes Phil's hair back so it's off his forehead. He sighs contently. Phil is so very lovely.   
23:10  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, basking in all the affection Dan is providing. Phil had always been the more tactile, always wanting to touch, or be touched. He was a man who thrives on physical affection. Whereas Dan was more about words, and reassurance. They showed their love in different ways, but it worked. They were so compatible in almost every way. “What should we do today, love? Should put all this energy to good use.” He chuckled, rubbing Dan’s side affectionately. “Maybe we can go and get some stuff for this fishtank. You must be an expert by now.” He chuckled. Phil had watched a few videos, and read a few articles, and he was sure he got the gist of it. But Dan was full on learning the nitrogen cycle and learning how to care for water plants and the whole deal.  
10 October 2019  
11:36  
May 🌈  
Dan has a dirty joke nearly formulated when Phil switches gears and brings up the fish again. Dan snorts out a chuckle, "Mind-reader. Let's do it. I have a list ready to go. We can start on the tank: it'll be a few weeks before all the levels are Betta-ready, anyway. I ordered some aquarium plants online, they should be in tomorrow. I found this really good, ethical pet store in Brighton, I think we should start there. They have fish to adopt, which is so fucking adorable. Really." They can't bring any fish home today, but the idea of seeing Phil coo over fish he finds cute is more precious than Dan can possibly deny. "We need a stand, as well, and I thought it would be cheaper second-hand, so maybe we can stop at some vintage shops. They're better in Brighton, anyway." They'll have to find something big enough for a tank, but small enough to fit in their car, but Dan thinks they'll manage. "We decided to keep it right here in the living room, right? Not too close to the kitchen, not too close to our rooms so the filter isn't so loud at night?"   
16:46  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil happily listens to Dan ramble on, not catching everything he says, but enjoying the upbeat sound of his voice regardless. “Sounds good, babe.” He smiles, pressing a kiss to Dan’s cheek. “But first, coffee.” He chuckled. Phil needed his caffeine. He wasn’t nearly as peppy as Dan was without it. “Be right back.” He smiles, standing again and making his way to the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee, and get his toast on the go. He still felt a bit on edge. Not for any particular reason, he was just slightly unsettled by the drastic change in Dan’s mood. He had expected it to take a few days before they really started seeing the effects of the medication. But, Dan was certainly in a better place, so Phil couldn’t worry about it too heavily. It just took him by surprise, was all.  
17:38  
May 🌈  
Dan makes a mental note to be more gentle with Phil in the morning. They're usually at about the same pace: both waking up late, taking their time getting out of bed, trudging slowly through the morning until they find the energy to properly start the day. They're just not quite aligned yet this morning, but Dan just isn't willing to slow down right now. It feels too good to be productive to reject. Dan plugs right back into the TV and music when Phil leaves to pour himself a cuppa, craving the stimulation. He briefly wonders if his mood will even out, or if this is the new normal: waking up at 7:00 each morning, doing ten productive things before Phil even wakes up, then… who knows what's next? It certainly doesn't feel bad to Dan. Maybe he just found a medicine that actually fixes him. Was he meant to be this way all along? Motivated, bubbly, and energetic? Dan doubts it. Considering his history with antidepressants, he assumes this is just a temporary kick, then he'll settle back into himself. On top of finding a medicine that works, Dan is genuinely happy. He and Phil are better than ever. Things are changing in positive ways every day. They're getting a fish, talking about buying a house, considering a romantic vacation in January or February. Dan is starting to get ideas of his own about all of that, as well. It's exciting, and it makes him feel whole, for lack of a better term. Everything is looking up for once. "Did you sleep alright, honey?" Dan asks when Phil returns to the sofa, taking a step back, slowing down a little for his partner.   
17:45  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil brings his coffee and toast back to the lounge, sitting back down next to Dan and smiling at the little pet name. “I slept fine.” He says. And it’s true, he did sleep fine. The same sort of nervous in and out, mostly because he was worried about Dan. New medications were always a bit unpredictable. Everyone reacted differently to different things. And because Phil had expected it to take a few days to really kick in, he’d been worried about Dan having nightmares again. But, in between his brief periods of being awake and worried, Phil did manage to get some sleep. And hopefully now, things would start to settle down for the both of them. Phil’s constant state of worry would begin to ease as days went by and he became more and more sure that Dan was okay. Dan’s medicine would settle into his system, and Dan would get used to the way it felt, and they would fall into a new normal. For today, they could focus on preparing for their little fish. It was more likely that Dan would do all the preparing, and Phil would act as moral support. But that was just as fun.  
23:02  
May 🌈  
Dan leans over and rests his legs over Phil's lap so he has a place to rest his plate of toast - and, of course, so he can feel closer to Phil. "Maybe you'll sleep a bit better tonight," Dan suggests softly. Surely, Phil will worry less now that things are looking up for Dan's mental health. "That pill just wiped me out. I'll take it later tonight so I won't fall asleep so much earlier than you. It was really weird waking up earlier than you." But, God, is Phil cute when he actually sleeps well. If Dan didn't have so much energy, he would have lied in bed and held Phil a while. Maybe that's what's just a little off about this morning. They're a very tactile couple, but Phil is especially touch-motivated. He needs a certain amount of cuddles to feel… right, it seems. Dan reaches forward to rest his hand on the sofa near Phil's hip so he can touch the skin just under his sleep shirt. It makes Dan feel better, at least.   
23:11  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiled, nibbling on his toast while Dan talked. It would take a while to figure out what time worked best for Dan to take his meds, and that was just another part of this whole transition, and making things feel normal again. Phil could feel Dan’s fingertips against his skin, and he smiled at the warm feeling. Dan was always so warm. It was one of Phil’s favourite things about him. Phil always seemed to run just a few degrees cooler, but he liked being able to curl up to Dan and get warm. And he does that now, leaning further into Dan’s side, setting his toast down so he can take a sip of his coffee. This morning feels slow for Phil, sleepy and calm and maybe a little bit lazy. But once he eats and caffeinates and gets dressed, surely he’ll find a bit more energy.  
23:44  
May 🌈  
Dan soon quiets down and puts another quiet fish video on the television for them to watch. Phil needs time, Dan can take a hint. He takes a few more notes, but generally, he thinks he understands as much as he can - and with any luck, as much as he needs to - about fish care. Their Betta will live a long, happy life. Dan waits until Phil's coffee has processed enough before asking, "Do you think it would be too much to try filming, like, a Day in the Life video today? Or, like, a Making Of video? About the fish. I was just thinking." Dan doesn't want to push, he knows Phil is proper exhausted for what Dan's put him through recently, and it isn't over yet. But, still, Dan wants all of the pieces put together. If he could just get his career figured out, everything would be just right.   
23:55  
Charlie 🎄  
At the idea of making a video, Phil perks up a bit. Dan hasn’t really shown any interest in YouTube in a while. It just seemed like he was growing increasingly frustrated with it, and Phil was beginning to think Dan might not go back to it at all. So to hear him rattling off video ideas was a pleasant sort of surprise. “We could try something like that.” Phil agreed, smiling softly. “A day in the life maybe. I feel like if we show the process of setting up the fishtank and all that, we’ll end up in some kind of scandal and the fish community will cancel us.” He chuckled. But he knew they’d do their best. Neither of them would want to have a pet they didn’t know how to care for. Dan in particular was going to feel so bad if something happened to this poor fish. He was putting so much work in, he’d be devastated if something happened.  
11 October 2019  
00:12  
May 🌈  
Dan nods, though not quite agreeing, because he has worked too hard to fuck up with this fish now. "I think I want to film it, at least for us. Just, like, a home video. And if it's any good, maybe we can put it up somewhere. This is our thing and it's a really big step for us. I don't want it to be artificial or uncomfortable because a lot of people are going to watch it. You know?" Dan still wants his privacy, but he also wouldn't mind showing off his amazing boyfriend and their beautiful, fun life. Just a bit. "I would want to do it backwards. Instead of just suffering through months of thinking, I want to try filming, then thinking about it once I have the footage. No scripts." It may or may not also be an excuse to get more happy days on tape. Dan thinks things like this are too special not to save. "Coming out was about being more authentic, right? So, as stupid as vlogging content can be, I think… I don't know, I think I want to try. What do you think?" Phil's opinion on this means everything to Dan for obvious reasons.  
00:17  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods. It’s unlike Dan, really, but if it’s something he wants to try, then why not? All they have to do is film it. If it comes out any good, they can post it. And if not, they’ll still have the footage just for their own memories. They really can’t lose, so why not give it a try? Even if they can’t make an entire video out of it, they can do a couple of stories. Their audience always loves those. “Why not? Let’s just try it. Worst case scenario it’s not presentable and we just keep it.” He chuckled. They had a lot of stuff like that saved. Clips from videos that they had to cut for one reason or another. Stories that were never posted. A million pictures. Videos that never saw the light of day. And they were all saved to their computers for personal use.  
20:19  
May 🌈  
"Okay, yeah," Dan agrees, feeling a bit more confident now that he knows Phil is at least… nonchalant about the idea. Phil has never been controlling about Dan's career, he's always given Dan lots of room to flourish. Dan only started out in the same format as Phil because Phil was his favorite YouTuber. He still is, but that's beside the point. Phil has only ever supported Dan wherever he's decided to take his career. Dan admits, "I need to get back into it. I think if I don't do something, I'll spend another year overthinking things and doing nothing. I've got, like, ten pages of ideas, but none of them seem good enough. I'm getting myself into a rut." Dan jokes, "I can't just do nothing forever. I don't do enough chores to be a housewife and I'm not good enough with technology to be your cameraman." Dan really can't just do nothing, their merch store will only take them so far.  
20:28  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil chuckles a little at the logistics of Dan being a housewife, and shakes his head. “Just do whatever seems right for you.” Phil said. Whether that was trying out new video formats, or talking about new topics, or switching things up a little, or maybe stepping away from YouTube completely and venturing into new things. Hell, maybe Dan wanted to just retire and play golf or something. Whatever the case may be, Phil would support him. Their finances weren’t such a worry anymore. They relied less in their videos for an income these days, and even their merch wasn’t a particular worry. They’d been smart with their money, they’d made good investments and built a good savings, as far as money went, they were in a good place. And Phil didn’t see that changing in the near future. So if Dan wanted to take time away to focus on other things, that was okay. Phil understood that feeling. It had been weighing on him a bit recently. He wanted to focus more on his life, being more social, more settled, overall more well rounded. And that might mean less frequent content, but he felt it was important. He was at a place in his life now where he wanted that stability.  
21:50  
May 🌈  
"What seems right for me?" Dan asks, obviously feeling a bit lost. He usually has a clear and defined problem with uploading, but it all seems so vague now, Dan doesn't know where to go from here. He knows he wants to do something good that helps people in some way, but he doesn't know how to do that without fucking up somewhere along the way. He wants to do something different than Phil, but he also wants to share something with Phil online like the gaming channel. He wants all of it, but at the end of the day, he's scared to get back online. Everyone knows all of it: the good, the bad, and everything in between. The depression video was easy, the coming out video complicated everything. Phil is so good, kind, and understanding with Dan, but the rest of the world is not as good as Phil. That vulnerability is a lot scarier in front of the whole world than at home with Phil. Dan just has to stop thinking and do something. Anything.  
22:00  
Charlie 🎄  
“Yeah.” Phil said, over another sip of coffee. “You get too caught up in thinking about... like, your brand, or your aesthetic or whatever. You want all your videos to be important, with some profound conclusion. And that’s good, but it doesn’t always have to be like that.” Phil reasoned. “You can just have fun sometimes.” He smiled. Phil knew that at the end of the day, Dan wanted his content to have an impact. He wanted to leave some kind of mark on the world. He wanted his existence to mean something, or something. And he got so caught up in trying to take on that massive responsibility that he sort of just burned himself out. It might benefit him to post something silly and stupid now and again. “Your channel has always sort of been about yourself, and your own experiences with certain things. You’ve always told stories. But they don’t always have to have a lesson, you know? Sometimes it’s good enough to just make someone laugh.” Phil smiled. A lot of Phil’s videos had taken that turn lately. He was just doing things he thought would be fun. Even if the videos turned out mediocre at best, he had fun making them, and people had fun watching them. And at this stage of his life, that’s all he really wanted.  
22:52  
May 🌈  
"So… Reasons Why Dan's a Fail revival?" Dan snorts out a laugh, but it's actually a really good idea. People loved those videos. Dan loved those videos, it was cathartic to make light of himself. Things have been too heavy for too long. Dan doesn't have to be dramatic and extra all the time, sometimes, it's enough to be funny. Phil really liked those videos. Dan knows he isn't a big fan of Dan's dark humor, especially since his father's health went south so quickly. Their world has been too much for too long. It would be a good change of pace to create something wholesome. Vlogs might give Dan a good place to jump off from, but he really likes making videos as curated as he can. That doesn't mean they have to tackle a massive political topic, it just means he needs to spend a lot of time editing. In fact, his most popular videos by far are the videos he's put the least effort into. He filmed his and Phil's photobooth challenge on his phone and spent about two hours editing it, and it's his most watched video. "A challenge video?" Maybe he really should take Phil's advice and just do something stupid and fun. "Thank you. I think I might make that eleven pages of ideas now," Dan jokes, indecisive as ever. "Thank you, though. Really. That's a really good idea." Dan doesn't need to try to be a brand, he can just be himself.  
23:02  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nodded. “And... I mean, it’s more about you than the audience, but I think they’d enjoy having regular silly content, instead of one serious video once a year.” Phil said. “And it doesn’t have to be one or the other. You can do both. If there’s something serious or important you want to talk about, make that video. If you can’t find the motivation for something that involved, put an egg in some vinegar and call it a day.” Phil chuckled. “They’ll watch anything. And I think we can finally afford to just... do whatever we want.” He said. After their tour ended- well, long before it started, actually- they’d agreed that after that, they were going to start separating their careers a little bit. Not because they were having problems, or because they didn’t enjoy working together, but because it was just time for a change. Coming out, as freeing as it was, might hurt any future opportunities they might have as a duo. For various reasons. And, their joint branding was something that had carried them so far, they both wanted to branch out and try carving their own path. It’s why they stopped so many traditions like Pinof and baking. It’s why they left the gaming channel. It’s why they separated their merch stores. All these tiny pieces of the puzzle cane together in a long process of finding their individuality again. It was hard, to live and work with someone. To have almost no time apart, no lives outside of each other. And this gave them that little bit of space. “I think I’m gonna do an updated draw my life next.” Phil said. He’d been kicking the idea around, but it really seemed like a good choice. To let his audience in on his little plan to lead a more balanced life.  
12 October 2019  
23:17  
May 🌈  
Phil could make anything seem easy. Between Dan's undying trust in Phil and Phil's unrelenting, casual confidence, it's only natural that Dan finds peace in his words. "Actually?" Dan asks curiously when Phil mentions a second Draw My Life. "About... what?" They've worked hard to keep their personal lives private, surely, Phil wouldn't want to tell the whole world about that. Their audience already knows about their careers, so what else is there to tell them? He sits up to lean in closer to Phil. "Like, about coming out? Or… all of it? It's not exactly silly content, love." Dan and Phil's lives have been on one hell of a rollercoaster since Phil's first Draw My Life. Dan wouldn't even know where to start making a video like that. This is part of the issue with losing joint content. They started the gaming channel because between Dan's deteriorating mental health, Phil's father's deteriorating physical health, and everything in between, it wasn't reasonable to expect either Dan or Phil to be able to work alone all the time. They used the gaming channel to put their limited emotional resources together to produce content even when life was going to shit. When Phil had to go back home to help his dad through another chemo treatment, Dan spent the time editing content they'd filmed earlier. When Dan was too depressed to edit, Phil took over. It worked really well for a long time, but now that things are settled down, they don't have to push themselves so hard. It's good, but this change comes with a lot of pressure on both of them to do a bulk of the filming, editing, and advertising alone. Of course, Dan will always be here to pick up the pace when Phil is down, and vice versa, but it isn't the same as before, Dan thinks. The creativity of the video that comes from preparing, filming, and editing needs to be original.   
23:27  
Charlie 🎄  
“Well, nothing they don’t already know, really. Don’t worry.” Phil chuckled. He would never talk about their relationship, or anything if the sort. That wasn’t for their audience to know. He probably wouldn’t even talk about coming out, really. He didn’t want to draw much attention to that either. It wasn’t a big deal for him. It was just a part of his life that he’d long ago come to terms with and it didn’t need to be a focal point of his online personality. But there were things he did want to talk about. “I don’t know, it’s not so much about... telling everyone what I’ve been up to, but it’s more about just... making a point. That you don’t always know what people are going through if it’s not happening in front of you. And I want to kind of... plant the seed that I might be focusing a bit less on YouTube, because I want to... like, do all the boring adult things that most people have already done by my age.” He chuckled. He would soon be 33. By that age, most people had a house, and a spouse, and probably more than one kid. Their kids were probably old enough to be in primary school. And Phil was beginning to understand why people talked about their “biological clock” or whatever. He was just ready to start making those steps, little by little. But they weren’t necessarily things he wanted to share with their audience when they happened. He wasn’t interested in doing a house tour, or monetizing a proposal video, or becoming a family vlogger. He wanted to keep making the same sort of content he was making now, while also being able to focus more time and energy on his real life.  
23:55  
May 🌈  
"I'm not worried, obviously," Dan retorts lightly. He doesn't particularly like hearing about Phil's age, as a baseline rule of thumb. Their age difference has always been a sensitive topic for him, but it's gotten easier over the years. The last time it really got under his skin was when he was suddenly dating a 30-year-old man. Dan keeps that to himself, it isn't anything but a manifestation of stupid societal norms and Dan's fear of death and loss. Dan doesn't think he's ever been as frightened as that horrible day he heard a thud from the other room and found Phil on the ground, fainted. Dan still has nightmares about that. It was nothing but an overwhelming amount of stress, of course, because Phil has no self-control when it comes to his anxiety. He's gotten better, but until Phil feels comfortable getting help, Dan doesn't think that particular fear will pass anytime soon. He reaches forward to hold Phil's hand and speaks gently, "It's a good idea. I think it'll be good for you. Let me know how I can help, yeah?" Regardless of how vague Phil tries to be, it won't be an easy video to make. Dan can only conclude a big part of 'what people are going through' will be mention of Phil's dad, a highly touchy subject, to say the least.   
13 October 2019  
00:02  
Charlie 🎄  
“I will, love. You know that.” Phil smiled. “I still have to get some of the details nailed down first.” He reasoned. He wanted to talk to his dad first. Because Phil did want to mention that situation, if only briefly, and he wouldn’t do it without first making sure his Dad was okay with that I formation being out there. Like Phil, he tended to be a very private man. He wanted the love and support of the people closest to him, but he largely left the rest of the world out of it. So that was a conversation they’d need to have before Phil even considered filming. Plus, it was the type of video Phil would need time to script. So that he could be sure to share only what he was comfortable with, without giving away anything that he wasn’t. He’d gotten pretty good at that, over all the years he’d been online. He was well versed in saying things without actually /saying/ anything. And that was going to be a big theme in this video, he thought.  
14 October 2019  
00:51  
May 🌈  
"Yeah, of course," Dan agrees. He pecks Phil's cheek, "All of your videos are really good, but I reckon this one will be a banger." He moves to sit up, "Think the wash is done. Be right back." Dan heads out to process the laundry, wanting to avoid wrinkles if at all possible. It feels good to be able to make decisions like this for himself. It feels good to be able to perform simple tasks with ease. All of these little things add up to a big lifestyle change that Dan really needs to feel better. 

The pet shop in Brighton is actually as cute as the website made it seem. Aquarium tanks and accessories of all shapes and sizes are displayed floor to ceiling. Even the colorful walls surrounding the front exit are illuminated by a glowing blue from the back of the store where live, adoptable fish are kept safely and happily. It's beyond cute. It's a tad overwhelming at first. All of this was just YouTube videos, now it's real. Phil and Dan are bringing a living creature into their home to care for. Anything that goes wrong is on them. Dan doesn't take the responsibility lightly. "Hi, welcome! Is there anything I can help you two find?" Dan's distracted from his train of thought by the tiny, bubbly shopkeeper with lots of tattoos and a Scottish accent. Dan glances at Phil before responding, "Oh, well, we're thinking of adopting a Betta fish. We've been doing loads of research, so we generally know what we're looking for…" The shopkeeper clearly gets customers like Dan and Phil quite frequently, "Say no more. So, I'm sure you know the basics: square tank, water filter, rock fixtures. How do you feel about live plants? Come, let's have a look at who we've got in." As they keep up their technical dialogue about home aquariums, Dan is quite pleased with his ability to keep up with the shopkeeper's questions. Even in a terrible depressive state before he had the real motivation, he pushed himself to put in the work for this, and it's paying off. And, oh, the fish are just adorable.  
03:35  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil lets Dan do a majority of the talking when they get to the little pet shop, mostly taking on the responsibility of pushing the trolley around while Dan and the shopkeeper pile things into it. The shopkeeper explains that it will take several weeks for the tank to run, and cycle the water enough to make it safe for a fish to live in. So she tells them they can either choose a fish today, and she’ll put it on hold for them, or, they can wait and come back in a few weeks to pick out their fish. Together they agree to take a look around today, and if someone strikes their fancy, they’ll put it on hold. It takes a while, before the cart is nearly full and everything is paid for. A price tag much, much larger than Phil was expecting. But, worth it in the long run, he supposed. And once they had everything packed into the car, they went back inside to actually take a look at the fish. Phil was surprised to find that none of the bettas here were kept in those tiny plastic cups, the way he saw at so many other pet shops. They all had their own tanks, and they all looked very pleased. And so they spent a little while looking around, at the many, many options, and Phil found himself always going back to a little black and blue one that liked to bother the snails in his tank. “Dan, look at him.” Phil smiled. “He just fully knocked one of the snails down.” He chuckled. Of course, the snail wasn’t hurt. Just probably a little annoyed.  
16 October 2019  
00:42  
May 🌈  
The Brighton trip is already loads of fun.Dan is glad to shoulder the cost of the fish equipment, it's worth it. This is what they work, save, and invest for: to have fun. They pack the car carefully, as most of the items are relatively fragile. Dan is careful to strategize this to leave room for any furniture they might pick up at a vintage shop on the way back. Every part of this is calculated and thought out, Dan is really excited for it. 

Dan feels really glad to have found such a good shop. The fish are obviously happy and well cared for, as they should be. Once adjusted to the move, their new fish will hardly notice the difference. Dan looks at the fish, of course, but he's much more interested in Phil's evaluation of the fish. Dan may never understand the way Phil's mind works, but he loves even that. Under the guide of taking a video of the fish, Dan gets some cute shots of Phil trying to interact with a certain blue fish that seems more of a bully than the other peaceful-looking fish. Naturally. Dan snorts out a laugh and takes a step closer to get a better look, "He's… active, alright." Dan knows Phil. He's the talkative younger brother, the ever-lighthearted and fun man Dan adores, the guy at the party making everybody laugh about how bad alcohol tastes. Of course he'll go for the fish taking the piss out of its roommates. Phil just wants a reason to smile, and Dan doesn't ever want him to stop smiling. "Look at him, he's so cute," Dan coos as he rests a hand on Phil's waist, just wanting to feel closer to him. "He's so smart, goodness. Did you see that? He just brushed some of those pebbles at the snail with his fin. He's got energy."  
03:35  
Charlie 🎄  
“I love him.” Phil decided. It was really just that simple. Not only was this little fish totally beautiful to look at, but he had a charming little personality to boot. That was enough for Phil. He was sure that given enough time, he could fall madly in love with every fish in the shop. But this little guy really had Phil’s heart. It seemed to be a little game to him, swimming around, bothering the snails until they’d retreat into their shells and fall to the floor of the tank. They’d have to bring home a couple of snails as well, Phil thought. Plus, snails would help keep the tank clean, right? It was a win win. “What about you, love? Which one’s your favourite?” He asked. Though Phil noticed he hadn’t spent much time looking around. He supposed the fun part of this for Dan was the research. Making sure they had all the right supplies, the tank assembly and decoration and upkeep, that’s the kind of thing that Dan was into. Any old fish at all would suit Dan just fine. Whereas Phil cared less about the aesthetics of the tank and more about the fish itself. It was just another situation where they were very different people, in very complimentary ways.  
17 October 2019  
23:28  
May 🌈  
"Me? What, are you kidding? This fish is actually perfect," Dan agrees enthusiastically. He probably won't tell Phil that the fish matches the color of his eyes when he first wakes up in the morning, groggy and sweet. No, he instead says, "He's perfect for us. Really." He can just see Phil spending slow, rainy mornings in front of the tank, laughing at the fish shenanigans taking place. He can see friends visiting and joking about the fish being Dan and Phil's child. Dan imagines all that fun and happiness in their beautiful home, winding himself up like a proper sap. Dan would be happy with any fish of Phil's choosing. Just the fact that Phil chose him makes him better than every other fish here in Dan's eyes. "We can't keep him all alone, can we? He's having so much fun with those snails. We'll need to take some snails to keep him busy. Maybe even some shrimp if he isn't too… hungry," Dan suggests with a chuckle. "If we follow a really strict feeding schedule, keep the tank clean, and give them lots of hiding places, he won't want to eat any of his tankmates," Dan explains, unsure if Phil saw the particular video playlist he's currently thinking back on. "What do you think? Are we taking little blue home?"  
18 October 2019  
00:20  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, straightening out his back again and glancing over at Dan with a smile. “I think he’s the one.” Phil agreed. They’d have to leave him here for a while. Until they got his new home set up and made the water safe for him. And Phil thought he remembered seeing some video that said if you put shrimp in the tank first, then it would prevent the fish from eating them. Or something. So maybe today, they’d take home some snails and some shrimp, set up the tank, let them all get settled on their own for a week or two, and then they’d bring home their little fish. Who’s name was still to be determined. Phil was excited about this. Truly. Pets were a different sort of step. They had plants, but plants were different. A plant would stay alive as long as you could keep it alive. They’d had triops, but triops grew from dust and lived about a month at best. A fish was different. A fish would live for a couple of years. But not forever. No matter how well they took care of him, their time with him was limited. And it was up to them to give him the best possible life, for as long as he’d be around.  
19 October 2019  
00:32  
May 🌈  
Part of the reason Dan has been so adamantly against pets is that there is nothing in this world worse than seeing Phil's heart break. Nothing. All the bad Dan's seen and experienced is nothing compared to seeing Phil's heart in pain. His father's cancer these past few years has been hell. Dan stepped up and did all he could to help Phil and his family, but it would never be enough. Trying to convince Phil to sleep when all that would await him is the promise of nightmares and the fear that tomorrow might just be the day Phil wakes up to ten missed calls from his mother: it was hell. Holding Phil as he sobbed because he was watching his father suffer and come so near to death was the worst experience of Dan's life, by no fault of Phil's, of course. Phil is the most happy, fun, light-hearted, beautiful person Dan has ever known, so to see him at such a low place was not something Dan would ever willingly endure. So, as lovely as the idea of a family pet is, the fear of Dan and Phil losing their first dog is just too powerful. Phil has gotten better since his dad finished recovery and Dan is massively proud of him for that. Dan just thought Phil needed more time. But, he's been so excited about this fish, and seeing him with it now… maybe this will be a good step toward Phil building resilience. Yes, he'll inevitably become overly attached to the fish, but it's a fish. It will be much easier to handle, surely. Phil's ready. So, they talk to the funny, little shopkeeper once more, promise to return in a week once the tank is ready for the shrimp and snails, then the next month when it's all ready for the Betta fish. They thank him kindly for his help and head out beaming. "We're gonna be fish dads!" Dan grins excitedly once they're out of the shop. "I'm starving. Do you want to stop somewhere on the way home? Anything but fish and chips." He doesn't imagine that joke getting old anytime soon.  
02:11  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, though there is a part of him that worries. Always. This is a responsibility they’re taking on. And it’s a little unpredictable. It was up to them to give their little fish a good life, and he was sure they would. But still, it meant a lot to Phil to do this right. A fish may only be a fish, but to Phil, it was a test. Not only of their ability to keep something alive and happy, but of his own ability to handle the stress that might come with that. He wasn’t good under pressure. He was no good in emergencies. Not that a fish would present many emergencies, but still. And he certainly wasn’t good with death. He was known to tear up when dogs died in movies, or when he saw roadkill, even. He was so very sensitive when it came to death, especially in the last couple of years. As a kid, losing a grandparent, or an aunt, or an old family friend, was different. He hadn’t fully understood. But as he got older, lost more grandparents, more aunts and uncles, his best friend... well, it started to hurt a lot more. And being threatened with losing his dad was maybe the hardest of all. By comparison, flushing a fish two or three years from now should be easy. But somehow Phil doubted it would be.  
12:22  
May 🌈  
Dan can see Phil retreating into his head as the day goes on, but he doesn't bring it up. Phil will talk when he's ready, surely. Dan focuses on the atrocious London traffic until they're home, at which time they work together to get all the fish equipment up into their flat. "Thank God the lift's working, holy shit," Dan laughs as they set down the aquarium stand in the lift car. After a quick lunch, Dan gets right to work on the aquarium. His energy is not passing so easily today. He takes great care washing the tank and all the little rocks and displays that go in it. Putting the filter together is no easy feat, even with the directions and a YouTube tutorial to guide him. "Phil?" Dan requests gently. He had previously put Phil on unpackaging duty, as every little piece seems to be wrapped in three layers of plastic. Literally what the fuck? Why is this actually rocket science? C'mere. Can I use your hands? Maybe I can get this in that tube if you can hold while I twist..." He reminds himself once he gets the hang of it, it will be no trouble when they next need to clean the damn thing.   
12:42  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil does his best to get out of his own head. He’s worried over nothing, as per usual, and there’s still work to be done. Assembling a fish tank proves to be no easy task. There are so many parts, and pieces, and wires. Both of them have been taking a few pictures, maybe they’ll use them as Instagram stories in a couple weeks when they get closer to bringing the fish home. But for now, their photos are just for the sake of memories, or remembering which pieces go where. Dan is not intent on taking any breaks. The longest they’ve stopped was after Dan somehow managed to slice open his hand. It wasn’t deep enough for stitches, Phil thought. But Phil had insisted upon cleaning and dressing the wound and he occasionally glanced at Dan’s hand to make sure it wasn’t bleeding through. Phil was more than happy to help him with the filter, and he smiled lightly to himself while he held half of the thing Dan was trying to get together. Dan was going to outpace him today. He didn’t seem to be slowing down, whereas Phil was about ready for a nap. “When did fish get so needy?” He chuckled, shaking his head. “I remember when I was a kid my mum had a fish in a flower vase on her desk. None of this fancy stuff.” He said. Though to be fair, that fish may not have lived the comfortable life of luxury that their fish would.  
14:53  
May 🌈  
Dan's injury does not come without his famously foul mouth. He lets Phil dress his wound so they can get back to the task at hand without Phil fussing over his hand too much. It's sweet, really. The injury is a bother, but Dan won't ever tire of Phil caring for him. He may or may not distract Phil with a kiss or two while he tries wrapping a bandage around the awkward cut. "When the EU banned rounded tanks," Dan snorts out a laugh, imagining that little ginger boy from old home videos watching the family fish swim back and forth around a ridiculous vase. "We'll have the happiest God damn fish- got it!" The part finally snaps into place just as it should. "Yes! Oh, my God, that fucking piece. Thank you, baby. That was driving me mad." He easily fits that piece into the filter, completing the most important part of the tank. "Now, all that's left is… Let's see: the plants arriving tomorrow, fill the tank with water, pick up the snails and shrimp Tuesday, and fish on the 23rd." Dan puts all the loose pieces into the tank for now, not wanting to leave a mess all over their dining room table. He plops down next to Phil again and gives him a high five, "Fuck YouTube, let's become professional fish keepers. This is so fun." It should seem obvious, but pets are actually really loads of fun. Maybe Dan's been so caught up in the work involved, he forgot that.   
15:02  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, just gazing at Dan for a few moments. It’s nice to have him back. It’s always so hard, watching him fall into darkness whenever he has his episodes, or his meds go wrong. This is his Dan. Smiling, and happy, and excited. Their project is about as finished as it can be for today. They’ll add the plants and the water tomorrow, and get the tank running. For today, they’ve done all they really can. “It is fun.” Phil agreed, taking Dan’s hand in his own, partially as an excuse to check his bandage again. If he was going to bleed through it, he would have by now. But still, Phil checks it. And then he leaves it alone. He’s worrying again. “Well, what’s next then?” He asks, kissing Dan’s cheek with a smile. It was nearly dinner time now. Maybe they could eat, and just spend the evening relaxing. Surely some of Dan’s energy has been burned off by now.  
17:29  
May 🌈  
Phil and Dan share a long moment of eye contact, leaving Dan's cheeks blushed. He breaks the moment with a shy smile, turning his face down to the table to try and hide it. He loves Phil more than words can express. They don't have to say it, they just sometimes look at each other and it means just as much. Maybe that just happens after spending so many years in love with someone, but Dan likes to think he and Phil are special. They'll be a hundred years old and still looking at each other like that. On a good - or, alternatively, very bad - day, moments like this easily bring Dan to tears. Phil means more to him than he could ever explain. Dan shakes his head and breaks the moment before Phil can actually make him cry. Dan rolls his eyes fondly at Phil's fussing. "I told you it's fine," Dan gently criticises. Regardless, he lets Phil look over it, then when he's done, Dan holds Phil's hand with affection. "Reckon you're about ready for a nap, yeah?" Dan teases Phil. He can see the whites of his eyes slowly turning red, his energy seeping out. "Why don't you have a lie down and I'll fix dinner?" It's usually Phil making that recommendation, but Dan has energy, why not? He thinks he can manage a meal out of the ingredients they have here. If he doesn't get distracted. He'll set lots of timers.   
17:37  
Charlie 🎄  
“You sure?” Phil asks. This day has gone incredibly well, better than either of them could have expected, but it wasn’t over yet. And Phil didn’t want to stray too far in case Dan needed him. But he’d be just up the hall, right? It was important to let Dan have some space. As much as Phil tended to hover, Dan was an adult and he could look after himself. Especially now that things seemed to be levelling out again. “Come get me in an hour, okay? Sooner if you need it.” He smiled. He probably wouldn’t even sleep that much, really. But he’d go lay down for a while, in the quiet, because he hadn’t slept well last night and he hadn’t slept well for a week now and sleep deprivation always gave him migraines. And once he had a migraine, he’d be useless to Dan for at least 12 hours, if not more. They were horrible, and he tended to get them whenever he was stressed and tired, and he was getting closer to both of those things. Just a short little nap, an hour of quiet, and he’d be alright.  
18:44  
May 🌈  
"Yeah, of course," Dan reassures Phil. Phil has good reason to worry, but he has to rest at some point. Dan can see the light bags under his eyes getting to their breaking point. Dan wouldn't doubt a migraine coming on sooner rather than later. Phil always manages to push himself far past his limits and his body always manages to bring him back down to ground zero. If there were literally anything Dan could do to prevent it, he would, but sometimes, bad things happen. All he can do is wait for the day Phil is maybe ready to get help or try something new to help himself. Dan knows Phil could be happier and healthier if he would take better care of himself, or let Dan take better care of him, even, but it was a struggle even to get him to stop working so hard after the last time he fainted. Convincing Phil to care for himself is a losing battle, so Dan is done fighting it. All he can do is take care of Phil in the ways Phil is comfortable with. Lots of touch, lots of food, and lots of sleep, if Phil can manage to relax to do so. They'll need some recovery time after this massively stressful medication battle, but he's sure Phil will be feeling like himself in no time. Dan pecks his lips, "Have a good rest. Tell me if I'm too loud in the kitchen." It's a habit, still, for Dan to worry about sound traveling. This flat is the most quiet they've ever had, and Dan still isn't used to it. He always worries about someone hearing them or keeping Phil awake or something like that. Phil used to be able to hear Dan pacing in his room down the hall late at night, so he's had many years' experience keeping quiet in the littlest of ways. Dan stands to start cooking, giving Phil as much time as he needs to trudge off to bed.   
19:14  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, standing with Dan and kissing him softly. “Thank you, love. I’ll be fine.” He assures. He will, he knows. A little nap and maybe a tablet will fend off the headache he can feel beginning to press on the back of his skull. As long as it doesn’t turn into a migraine, he’d be okay. “One hour, then come get me.” He says, before heading off up the hall towards their bedroom. He draws the blinds and curls up beneath the covers within minutes, taking a few minutes to just let his mind slow down. He’s been doing far too much worrying lately. But it’ll ease up now that Dan is feeling better, surely. His anxiety has never been something particularly hindering. It pops up whenever Phil is stressed but for the most part, it’s a minor buzz that’s easy enough to deal with. Things are getting better now, he reminds himself. Dan feels better. He feels happy. They’re getting a fish. All is well. And Phil can relax. Or at least he can try. And for an hour, he does try. He doesn’t sleep, he just lays there, resting, and calming his swirling thoughts. He still had a headache, but he feels a little better, and that’s something.  
20 October 2019  
01:30  
May 🌈  
Dan can tell in the tender way Phil kisses him that he's really feeling the effects of the week. Today was a good, fun distraction from the stress of the past week, but it was tiring, too. At least for Phil, it was. Dan still feels wired as he cooks dinner. He pops in earbuds again and listens to pop music to keep himself occupied. He's too excited by his newfound energy to be concerned about why he isn't getting tired like Phil. A day like this would usually be simply unattainable, even on his last medicines. At this point, Dan hasn't hardly sit still for just over twelve hours now. He doesn't just cook dinner, he cleans the kitchen afterward, doing his best to stay as quiet as he can. He wipes down windows, dusts the tops of the cabinets, and scrubs the stovetop. He feels like a different person. Good, though. He'd take this over Depression with a capital D any day. He turns the music off and approaches Phil's room quietly after an hour and a half, having wanted to give Phil just a bit more time to relax. Dan focuses on slow movements so as not to disturb Phil as he crawls into bed with him to wake him up kindly. He snuggles up to Phil, kisses his temple, and mumbles under his breath, "Hey there, you." If Phil is sleeping deeply enough to ignore Dan, he'll let him sleep as long as he likes. Dinner can wait. It's far more important now that Phil rests.  
03:50  
Charlie 🎄  
Maybe Phil had drifted off more than he thought. Because he found himself surprised by the sudden presence of another person, though the initial shock faded as quickly as it had come when he realized who was here. “Mm, hi.” He smiled, eyes still closed. The sun was beginning to set now, but even the soft glow from the sunset seemed to be piercing right through his eyelids and into his brain. No, he refused to get a migraine today. It wasn’t happening. Not on Dan’s first good day in a week. Not a chance. So, he opened his eyes groggily, curling up to Dan’s chest in a way that shielded some of the light without being too obvious. He should have taken something. He had medication for it, he just never took it in time. Forever in denial. He could feel his migraines coming from a mile away, and if he didn’t take a pain med at the very first sign, they were basically useless. But it didn’t much matter, because Phil was refusing to get a migraine. He was just simply going to tell his brain no. “Smells good.” He smiled softly. “What’d you make?” He asked. Just a few hours left of the evening. They would eat, and then maybe Phil could subtly convince Dan to lay in the lounge in the dark and watch something quietly on the tv until an acceptable bedtime. Then Phil could sleep off this not-a-migraine, and be back to normal in the morning.  
08:43  
May 🌈  
Dan rubs Phil's back when her holds a bit, hushing him quietly, "It's just me, love." Dan pulls Phil near, worried about the way his eyes squint at the lowest of light. He moves his hand to carefully, slowly massage the back of Phil's neck in hopes of soothing him. "A parmesan vegetable bake," Dan says with less pride than he would if he weren't seeing the signs of Phil's headache come on. "It can wait. You're not feeling well, are you? Let me bring you your medicine," Dan suggests in a quiet voice he reserves for times like this. Phil's oncoming migraine wouldn't be obvious to anyone but Dan, and it only is because Dan is so accustomed to Phil's body. His hands are shaking just slightly, he's curled into Dan's body more than her usually might after being woken up from a nap, his touch is just a bit too weak for Dan's liking: all of these add up to set off alarm bells in Dan's head. His fingertips slide up the base of Phil's skull, hoping to alleviate some of the pain. There's something about this kind of affection that usually helps Dan feel better, regardless of his symptoms. It isn't unheard of for Phil to request some of these touches as a form of pain relief, or maybe a distraction from the pain. Dan kisses his forehead lingeringly, really, really hoping all of this isn't making things worse for Phil.   
09:00  
May 🌈  
*when he jolts a bit  
*more than he usually  
(Sorry I'm a mess lol)  
13:13  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can never get away with it. No matter how he tries to be nonchalant, Dan will inevitably call his bluff. And it’s sweet, really. They know each other so well, even the slightest of changes is noticed. Phil knows better than to keep denying it. “It’s not that bad.” He said. And it wasn’t. The fact that he could still open his eyes and hold a conversation meant it wasn’t that bad. Yet. It would get worse before it got better. It always did. But perhaps he could hold it off with sheer willpower at least until Dan was sleeping. It was too late for medicine, he knew that. He should have taken the medicine as soon as they got home, when he knew he felt the very beginnings of something starting to brew. It worked better if he was able to head it off before the actual migraine started. But he waited too long, as he so often did. The medicine was unlikely to touch him now. He’d just have to wait it out. But that was fine. Phil had migraines before. It’s nothing he wasn’t used to dealing with. As long as the lights weren’t too bright and things stayed fairly quiet, he could handle it.  
14:40  
May 🌈  
"No, but it will be," Dan mutters with a sigh. Phil has a very bad habit of ignoring his own needs and experiences, even when it isn't for the benefit of those around him. It's frustrating, to say the least, but Dan doesn't show that. There's no use in being cross with Phil when he's already suffering a wicked headache. Dan pats Phil's back, "Try to sit up?" He slips out of bed and ducks out of the room to find Phil's usual migraine medication, along with some Advil just in case he's feeling extra stubborn today. Dan returns to Phil promptly with the pills and a glass of water. He sits beside Phil and slips an arm around his shoulders, "When did it start, exactly?" He offers the medicine to Phil wordlessly. He knows the migraine episodes were worse before Phil had prescription strength medicine to fight them off with. Sometimes, it's a bit too late, so the medicine doesn't do much, but Dan is under the impression it's always at least partially useful. Maybe Phil doesn't see it because he's in too much pain, but Dan remembers a time migraines would leave Phil sobbing in pain. Anything that helps at least a little can make a big difference.  
14:48  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighed, hating to be the cause of any worry. And especially today, when Dan was feeling so good. Leave it to Phil to drag him back down, right? But he doesn’t say that. He carefully sits up in bed, letting Dan go to get his medicine, and swallowing it down with a sip of water when he returns. “I felt a little bit off all day, I guess.” He shrugged. But it didn’t actually start until we got home.” He said. It had been a while since his last migraine, so he supposed he was due for one. Combined with the stress of the last week and the fact that he hadn’t been sleeping properly, he should have known. But he would be fine. It was just a headache. He’d been getting them for years, and he was well used to them by now. Didn’t make them any less unpleasant, but he could deal. They weren’t as bad as they used to be. Even just a few years ago, a migraine would take Phil out for two days. He’d gotten them so bad on occasion that he was actually physically sick. They weren’t so bad anymore. So that was a blessing all its own. “C’mon, lets go eat.” He said after another moment, smiling gently. Better to do it now while he still had some semblance of an appetite.  
23:35  
May 🌈  
Dan replaces the water and pill bottles at the bedside stand once Phil is finished. He quietly thanks Phil, relieved now that he's done something good for his health. Dan wishes Phil would tell him when he starts feeling bad, rather than wait for Dan to pick up on it, but he won't bring that up. Phil's doing his best, Dan knows he is. "Alright," Dan agrees easily enough as they head out to the kitchen. Dan turns the lights down low and turns off the kitchen fan so the room is as quiet as it can be. Dan sets out the food on the pre-set table and takes his seat. He's careful to keep his voice low for the evening. "Did you sleep at all? Any dreams?" Dan asks curiously as they eat, just to make conversation. He always likes to hear about Phil's dreams: the wilder, the better. He can't stand to listen to anyone else's dreams, he thinks it's boring as hell. But Phil? He'll never get bored of hearing about Phil. He's sure Phil will never be totally comfortable talking about himself for hours on end, even to Dan, but Dan wants Phil to actually believe one of these days that Dan would truly like to hear Phil talk on himself for hours on end. Dan does his best to put the migraine out of his mind. He'll keep an eye on Phil, of course, but Dan isn't like Phil. There's no use in worrying over something he can't control.   
23:46  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil appreciates Dan so much, truly. The little things, like turning down the lights, and speaking softly, they’re little details, little things that Dan is by no means obligated to do. But with the state of Phil’s head, a feeling he could only describe as his skull being slowly filled with cement, he so appreciated Dan’s little efforts to ease the discomfort in whatever way he could. “I didn’t dream, really. And if I did, it was so realistic I thought I was awake.” He chuckled. He hadn’t even realized he’d fallen asleep until Dan woke him. “Did you clean the kitchen?” Phil asked after a moment, glancing around. Dan really did have a crazy amount of energy today. Surely that would balance out as days went on and he got adjusted to this new med. Phil just hoped Dan would be able to sleep tonight. He didn’t seem even a little bit tired.  
21 October 2019  
00:04  
May 🌈  
Dan smiles at Phil's mention of his dream, "Those are strange, yeah." Some of Phil's weirdest dreams are not the fantastical ones, but the ones exploring daily anxieties seem the most odd to Dan. Things that would never, ever happen, but Phil believes they could. Sometimes, it's comical in its own way, but it can be quite sad, as well. Dan is extreme in his trust issues, Phil is extreme in his worst-case-scenario ideation. Dan glances over his shoulder when Phil brings up the clean kitchen, "Oh, yeah. Does it look good? I finally got that stain out from the stove that was here when we got in, it was driving me mad for the longest time. I got the windows, as well, so we can see the birds better in the morning." 'We' meaning Phil, really. Phil will sometimes stand beside that window watching the birds and sipping on his coffee like he's about a hundred years old. It isn't often he gets moments of serenity, the anxiety and all. So, to see Phil really enjoy birds and sunrises, on rare occasion, is really special. "I just had so much energy, like I couldn't sit still, I figured I might as well do something." Dan's taste is back as well, thank Christ. Food tastes good again, colors are bright, music is beautiful, and Dan feels alive. Just in time, it seems, so he can take good care of Phil until he feels better.   
00:14  
Charlie 🎄  
“It looks amazing.” Phil said. “It’s like when real estate people make over houses before they sell them to make them look nice so people will buy it.” He chuckled. “Those meds really work, huh? I’ve never seen you so energetic.” He said, smiling softly. As long as the medication didn’t keep Dan too wired to sleep, it seemed like it would work very well for him. Dan seemed so... light. Dan usually has this vibe about him, like he was just weighed down, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. But today it seemed more like he was just... himself. He didn’t seem so heavy, so downtrodden like he did even on his better days. And Phil hoped this would turn out to be a positive change. Dan deserves to find a medication that really just works for him.  
00:37  
May 🌈  
Dan can't help the blush rising on his cheeks when Phil compliments him like that. Phil compliments him frequently, but Dan doesn't often feel worthy of it. He does today. "Thank you," Dan runs a hand through his hair. "I think so, yeah. It just feels… so amazing to sleep. And wake up and feel like… rested. And then, I have energy, and it doesn't stop. I don't want to think about bad things, so I just don't. Just like that, like it's easy. I'm so happy," Dan lets slip before he means to. He quickly adds, "Phil, thank you. I literally could never have felt like this without you." That's the truth Dan does not say lightly. Dan never would have pursued therapy in the first place without Phil. He used to be terribly frightened of opening up to anyone, even Phil, so especially some strange doctor who might commit him at any time. Phil helps Dan through every depressive episode and gives him reasons every day to be happy and to want to be alive. The medicine allows his body to physically feel happiness, but he only really feels it because he and Phil built this incredibly beautiful life together.   
00:44  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil reaches across the table to take Dan’s hand in his own. “This is on you, love. You made it this far because you wanted to. Because you came to realize that you needed it. Maybe I helped with that, and encouraged you, but no amount of encouragement would make you get help if you didn’t want it.” Phil said. You couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to be helped. Phil knew that very well. Too well. So all of Dan’s progress, everything he’d overcome, was entirely his own doing. Support and encouragement from Phil May have helped, but it wasn’t the reason Dan was where he was today. Phil would never take credit for Dan’s accomplishments. He’d overcome so much in his life, before they’d ever even met, and that was proof enough that Dan had it in him to fight, and to come out the other side. Dan was so much stronger than he gave himself credit for. He’d been through so much, things Phil still didn’t know about. Things Phil May never hear the full story on. And he was still here. And that was on Dan, and nobody else.  
00:58  
May 🌈  
Oh, no. Maybe this is the first time Dan realizes that Phil feels more intense, too. Dan is trying to thank Phil for being an angel on earth and Phil has the audacity to turn it around and insist that Dan divert that love toward himself because Dan did this. He worked all those years to be able to feel, for once, free of his trauma and his illness. "Oh, my God, am I actually crying?" Dan ruins the moment before he even really consciously registers a couple of tears on his cheeks. He wipes them away and laughs at himself, surprised at how these tears feel. He doesn't feel a pain in his chest like he usually does when he cries, like he's afraid it will never stop. It's a good cry. Dan feels proud and loved, and really, what more can he ask for? "Quit making me cry, you sap," Dan teases as he leans into a tender hug, careful still not to jolt Phil's sensitive body with any sudden movements or speak loudly in his ear. It only ends up being a few tears of surprise, then it passes as quickly as it arrived. How easy, how calm. Dan repeats, "Thank you, sweetheart. You mean the world to me."  
03:03  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is looking down at his plate when Dan speaks again, and his head whips upwards when Dan says he’s crying. The sudden movement does nothing to help Phil’s head, but the thought that he’d made Dan upset was far more important. He’s not upset, though. Even with tears on his face, he’s smiling. And it’s an odd sight to behold. Dan isn’t a crier. So when tears do fall, it’s one of the most painful things in the world for Phil to watch. Dan doesn’t cry. And when he does, he cries hard, and he cries ugly. Red cheeks and puffy eyes and runny nose and sobs and cries so loud surely their neighbours can hear. Those breakdowns are infrequent, thankfully. But this is rare. Just a few stray tears, and then it’s over. “Don’t thank me. It’s what I’m supposed to do.” He said, squeezing Dan’s hand.  
08:34  
May 🌈  
Dan rolls his eyes fondly, "I love you." He does, God, he loves Phil more than he ever thought someone could love another person. Dan can see Phil's strength fading as the night goes on, so when Phil's eaten all he can manage right now, Dan suggests, "Let's go to bed early. You could use the rest." He squeezes Phil's hand before he stands to take their plates to the sink. Yeah, they could push for the schedule of going to sleep at a proper bedtime, but even without the headache, Phil's so overdue for sleep, he'd just sleep late into the morning, anyway. Best to listen to Phil's body. Sometimes, he just needs more than usual, and that's okay. Dan hopes Phil sees that. He pushes himself too hard, often for no real reason at all. Phil's body is sensitive and reactive, there's nothing wrong with that, the only problem is when Phil doesn't listen to it. Maybe that's a masculinity thing or a Northern masculinity thing, but Dan thinks it's bullshit. If Phil's in pain, he should rest now, not later. That's all the headache is, isn't it? Phil's gone without sleep and without relaxing so long, his body is trying to force him to rest. It isn't a medical problem, it's a normal, human thing. Dan's sure anyone's body would react negatively if they pushed themselves like Phil does. "I think it's fine if I take my meds now, right? Or I could set an alarm and take them a bit later," Dan thinks aloud.   
13:51  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil was okay with an early bedtime. The more time passed, the worse he felt. That migraine medication didn’t do much to stop the incoming headache, and it was slowly just getting worse and worse. And whenever Phil felt like this, the only thing he wanted to do is lay in bed, in the pitch dark, in pure silence, and wait it out. And he could do that. But he didn’t want Dan messing up his meds. He supposed they were still in a sort of trial period, figuring out when exactly was the best time to take them. Phil didn’t remember Dan saying that they were time-sensitive or anything, or that they needed to be taken at the same time every day. Just that he could take one before bedtime, and another in the morning if needed. So if bedtime came a little early, then meds could come a little early, right? But Dan didn’t need to go to bed early on Phil’s account. Phil would be fine. If Dan wanted to stay up for a while longer and go to bed when he actually felt tired, that was okay. “I think I definitely want to lay down.” Phil agreed after a moment or two, one hand pressing against his forehead. “But you don’t have to come to bed so early if you’re not tired.” He added. “I’ll be fine, don’t mess around with your meds too much.” He said.  
14:07  
May 🌈  
Dan considers the meds a few moments longer, reading over the instructions on the back of the bottle once more before deciding to just take them, "I don't think it really matters. Besides, I'd rather wake up early than stay up late." Dan wants to be with Phil. He isn't particularly nervous about Phil's safety, but it will make him feel better for them to be together. At least if Phil is suffering, he doesn't have to be alone. He picks a couple other things up off the table, expecting Phil to head off to bed and Dan meet him there, but Phil just sits and holds his throbbing head. It's worse than Phil's letting on. Dan rubs his back with a very gentle touch, "Come on, dear. Let's get you into bed." He'll gladly escort his partner to the bedroom if only Phil will let him. He used to get sensitive about being ill, he didn't like for Dan to help him too much. Maybe he's settled with age. Dan picks up a padded ice pack in case Phil wants to use it to dull the throbbing. He reminds himself to open their bedroom window. Phil's body is more sensitive when he has a migraine, so he sometimes will get overheated, which is trickier to fix than being cold, which also happens. Dan can easily act as a space heater, but he'd rather Phil not get up and walk around with his headache to open a window or get anything, not after his last fainting spell.  
14:19  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil hated being unwell. Everyone did, he supposed, but Phil felt like he hated it more than the average person. Phil had always been the type to take care of others first. To look after the people he cared about. And whenever the tables were turned, it’s like it made him feel guilty. And Phil fully recognized how stupid that was. But he couldn’t help it. He hated being ill. Especially at times like this, when things with Dan were still a little bit up in the air, he was still getting settled, and Phil needed to be available for him if he needed it. If he was tucked up in bed, he wasn’t available. But Dan was okay. He was, right? He’d just take his meds, and go to sleep, and he’d sleep like a baby like he had the night before, and he’d wake up refreshed and happy, and Phil wouldn’t have to worry. But Phil did worry, because Phil was always worried. Dan had only taken one dose. What if it was a fluke? What if the medicine only made Dan feel this good today because he’d felt so bad all week by comparison? What if tomorrow was different, not as good? What if he had more nightmares tonight? Phil needed to be there for him, and he wasn’t much use if all he could do is lay in the dark and try to keep his head from popping off his shoulders. But he didn’t say any of that. Dan wouldn’t want to hear it, and he’d only tell Phil he was being unreasonable, a fact Phil was already well aware of. So, he just carefully stood, and followed Dan slowly up the hall. He closed the curtains tightly, and shut off the lights. He climbed slowly into bed, really hoping that he could just go to sleep, and wake up feeling fine.  
14:34  
May 🌈  
Dan completes his nightly routine first, ever a creature of habit. When he feels clean and sorted, he crawls into bed with Phil and delicately wraps an arm around him. As badly as Phil is feeling, Dan doubts they'll get any sleep at all if they don't cuddle at least long enough to lull them to sleep. Phil must know by now he's welcome to tell Dan to piss off if he needs his space, Dan would never take it personally. He reminds Phil in a very quiet whisper, "Goodnight, my love. Wake me if you need me. For anything. Or shut me up if I snore. It'll pass soon." Dan is unsure how easy it would be to wake him up now that his nightly medicine involves a sedative, but he has no doubt he would wake up from the dead for Phil. Dan can feel Phil's muscles still tense, so he rubs Phil's chest ever so softly, murmuring, "Try to breathe. Relax. Everything will be just fine." Dan doesn't know how Phil still manages to get himself wound up into an anxious mess when his body is currently rebelling against that anxiety. When Dan gets sick, he gladly takes the man flu, wiping out for a week until it passes. Everything else can wait. Dan doesn't know what Phil's so nervous about, everything seems great to Dan. A migraine sucks, but there's no reason it should cause Phil anxiety, it won't put him in danger. It's just the end of a rough week, is all.   
14:45  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil tries to relax. He really does. He tries to sink back into Dan’s arms and allow the other man to calm him, but his body stays tense. Partly just from the pain, of course. It’s not easy to relax and sleep when his skull feels like it might cave in. But part of it is still just nerves. Despite his body quite literally trying to knock him out, Phil still feels more concerned about Dan. But that’s nothing new. Dan is Phil’s first thought in the morning when he wakes up. Dan is his last thought in the evening before bed. And Dan is the focus of, or at least adjacent to, the majority of Phil’s thoughts throughout the day. Phil has always prioritized taking care of others first. And Dan was usually at the top of that list. Sometimes there were other people who temporarily took that top spot. If one of his parents got sick, or a friend needed help with something. But almost all of the time, Dan was Phil’s priority. And almost never was he his own priority. That’s just the type of person he was. Even in moments like this, when his own name should realistically move a few spaces higher on that mental list of people who needed his attention.  
14:59  
May 🌈  
There isn't much more Dan can do for Phil than massage his tense muscles if Phil can't talk to Dan about what he's going through. He mumbles a few sweet nothings in hopes of bringing Phil some peace, but he doubts it does much more than annoy Phil. Eventually, Dan's medicine takes over, and he's fast asleep, his hand fallen limp over the side of Phil's body. It isn't totally normal, Dan is usually able to stay awake long enough to feel Phil finally relax enough to sleep peacefully. These sedatives are not fucking around. Dan sleeps like a rock, just like the night before, dead to the world. No nightmares or restlessness to speak of. When he wakes early the next morning feeling rested, refreshed, and very grateful to his therapist for being such a good drug dealer, his first instinct is to check on Phil. Judging by the low light coming in, it's still early enough that Phil should still be sleeping deeply beside him.  
15:10  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil’s not there in the morning. He’s awake for longer than Dan is, as his migraine gets worse and worse. And he can’t get to sleep. Even with the blinds drawn, there’s a strip of light across the ceiling, coming over the top of the curtains, from the street lights outside. It’s such a very dim light, but it’s too much. Phil can hear cats passing on the street below and they might as well be driving right over his head. Something honks a horn, and Phil could cry. And after a while, Dan starts to snore. And Phil loves him, he loves Dan with every ounce of himself, but the snoring is the last straw for Phil. Normally it’s something that wouldn’t bother him, something he wouldn’t even notice. But every snore tonight was like a chainsaw in his ears, and he couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t wake Dan up. He refused to do that. So instead, he carefully got out of bed, and padded down the hallway to the guest room. This room was smaller, further from the street, and quieter. Slightly darker, even. Nobody used this room, really. It used to be where Phil filmed his videos, before he’d moved to his new setup. Now, this room was nothing but a guest room that never got slept in because they never really had guests. But for tonight, it would suit Phil’s needs well enough. And once he was tucked into the guest bed, he finally did manage to drift off. In and out of sleep all night, woken up by the pounding in his head, before it eventually subsided just enough for him to actually fall into a proper sleep.  
18:51  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't feel the wave of panic at first. It's common for Phil to wake up before Dan, but when Dan remembers all that happened the night before, it hits him like a shock of electricity. He jumps out of bed and checks every room in the house for Phil, terrified he's fainted again, maybe hit his head this time, and maybe he called for Dan, but Dan was too sedated to wake up and rescue him… but it doesn't last long. Dan finds Phil in what used to be Dan's room, but is now just an extra space. He sees Phil breathing as calmly as he can, considering the massive pain he's experiencing. Dan just watches him breathe a moment or two, calmed immensely by the subtle movement. That's the difference between Dan and Phil's anxiety: Dan's panic passes once he sees the danger has passed. Phil, on the other hand, never seems to really calm down. That anxiety stays with him for days, weeks on end. Dan leaves the room quietly, feeling like he's just suffered a small heart attack. Phil is safe, he reminds himself. All is well. Dan brings Phil's glass of water to him, leaving it on the bedside stand just in case.

Dan is unwilling to wake Phil even to check on him, so Dan does what he did the previous morning, only much more quietly. He eats, cleans up, does more fish research, cleans some more, etc. When he runs out of things to do, he leaves a note on the fridge for Phil and goes for a run, doubting Phil will even realize he's gone. He's been put off exercise ever since his marathon failure, but today, he just thinks that it will feel nice, and it does. He blasts music in his earbuds and has a really good time. Even when it starts raining, it doesn't bring him down, Dan just enjoys it. He heads straight to the shower upon returning home, not wanting to leave a wet mess on the floor. He still has energy, he's still buzzing. It feels amazing. He hums to himself in the shower, confident he won't wake Phil. When he's dressed again, he starts working on some solid video ideas, not feeling weighed down by that today.  
19:46  
Charlie 🎄  
It takes Phil a long time to crawl out of bed. He still has a headache. It’s a little better now, not as searing as the night before, but still very much present. It would likely linger for the rest of the day if Phil was particularly unlucky. And then the after-effects night hang around for a day after that. Phil might argue that the worst part of a migraine was the “hangover” that came after. Leaving him groggy and queasy in a way that did nothing but annoy him. He wasn’t quite to that stage yet though. He was still having some pain, still felt tired. He hadn’t slept well, because of the pain. But, after a little while, he got up anyway. He found the flat empty, and a note on the fridge. Dan had gone for a run. At least one of them felt like moving. But, knowing he was alone allowed Phil a bit more freedom to move around and feel miserable. He chugged down a glass of water, nibbles at a piece of toast, and then went back to bed. He should be doing something. Answering emails, or doing laundry, something productive. But he just didn’t have the energy. He heard Dan come home, heard the shower turn on, but he stayed quietly tucked in the guest bed, knowing Dan would come check on him soon enough. For now, Phil just lay there, still drifting in and out of short naps.  
21:35  
May 🌈  
All in all, Dan's morning is quite nice, considering. The fact that he's able to focus on not just neutrality, but positivity, is really exciting to him. Things really will turn out okay. Soon enough, Dan does check on Phil more than the quick glance into the room he's been performing each time he walks by. It's well after noon when Dan decides he needs to actually check on Phil to see if he needs anything. He should have fruit, or something healthy or comforting. This time, he lets himself in and crouches by the side of the bed quietly, sure Phil can hear his footsteps. Dan delicately brushes his fingers through Phil's hair, "Hey, baby." His voice is quiet as ever, "Just wanna check on you. Can I get you anything?" It really does hurt to see Phil this way. Dan misses his bright, happy eyes already. Dan wants to wrap him up and kiss the pain away, but he knows that definitely would not help the situation. Phil never tells him when he's doing something wrong, so it's hard to tell sometimes what is helping and what is hurting.   
21:44  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil hears Dan’s footsteps, his quiet voice, and feels soft fingertips in his hair, and it brings a small smile to Phil’s lips. Dan is the sweetest man alive. Phil knows this as a fact. He blinks his eyes open again after a moment, and meets Dan’s gaze with a warm sign. “I’m alright.” He whispers. “Thank you though.” He adds, not wanting Dan to think for a moment that Phil doesn’t appreciate everything he does. “How was your run?” He asked softly, moving over a bit in the bed, giving Dan a silent invitation to lay with him. His head was still throbbing, a pulsating pain in the space right behind his eyes. But some of the sensitivity was gone. The light and the sound didn’t bother him quite as much now, and that was a relief. He knew how this went. The sensitivity would wear away first, then the pain would slowly fade, and then for a while, he’d be left feeling dizzy and off balance and drunk, before eventually settling back to normal. There was a familiar road map to his migraines. And all he could do was wait for the trip to be over. At least with Dan here, he’d have a distraction. That was better than any pain med in the world.  
22:12  
May 🌈  
Phil's smile is a very good, very beautiful sign. It brings out a happy smile in Dan, too. "You don't have to thank me, it's my job," Dan teases, using Phil's words against him. Dan likes to be thanked, he doesn't know why Phil never accepts Dan's thanks. "It was good, yeah," Dan follows Phil's change of topic gladly. "It's been raining on and off, I got soaked." Dan climbs into bed beside Phil, though it's a bit of an odd feeling in skinny jeans. "I did some research, actually," Dan grins, "You might hate it. I went to the dark side of YouTube. You remember when your doctor suggested 'alternative medicines'? Like acupuncture and weed?" He chuckles a bit at the memory. Phil thought the doctor had gone mad. "It's not either of those, but I did spend a good part of the morning watching nerve massage videos, so basically, I'm a professional masseur. So, if you're desperate enough, I'd be happy to try it out. Alternatively, I also read that orgasms help with headaches, something about dopamine, so y'know. No pressure." The second part is obviously a joke, because Dan suspects Phil will be a bit resistant to the prospect of an anti-migraine massage.   
22:21  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil just listens to Dan talk, and lets out a breathy laugh at the reminder. There was a reason Phil didn’t often see his doctor, and it’s because every time he did, she tried to talk him into getting his whole body covered in tiny needles or smoking pot or sniffing essential oils or something. Phil really wasn’t sure where she’d gotten her doctorate from, but he suspected it may have come from a cereal box. Her medical advice seemed about as sound as Dan’s. Though at least his doctor didn’t offer him orgasms, thankfully. Quite unprofessional. “You want to massage my nerves?” Phil asked, skeptical. “Gonna reach into my ear and squeeze my brain? Poke around like it’s one of those slime videos?” He teased. Though truthfully, he couldn’t imagine that Dan taking a fistful of his brain would be any more painful than a migraine.  
22:44  
May 🌈  
Dan nods, laughing at Phil's defensive response. It could be worse, truly. Dan's surprised Phil hasn't shut him down yet, he was half expecting a dead 'no'. "Maybe I will, Slime-Brain," Dan gives the empty threat as he takes Phil's earlobe between his fingers to softly rub. This is one of the easiest techniques he saw online today, but he doesn't think it's so involved he really needs to ask Phil's permission, he's done this before just as another way to make Phil feel good. Usually after an intimate night. He suggests, "How's this: you trust me, yeah? You don't know acupuncturists or actual masseurs, so that's never gonna happen, but you know me. You know I would never let you hurt. I'll tell you everything I'm doing first and I'll be careful with you. And if you don't like it, we stop. That's all." Dan does have one more trick up his sleeve to draw a laugh out of Phil, "What's that it says on your merch line again? 'Try new things,' innit?"  
22:49  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, letting his eyes close as Dan fiddles with his earlobe. He does trust Dan. With everything. Phil doesn’t think there’s a single thing he wouldn’t let Dan do to him. And if he wanted to try out some silly nerve massage, then what was the harm? Worst case scenario Phil let Dan feel him up for a while and still came away with a headache. And was that worst case scenario really so bad? Phil didn’t think so. “Alright, show me what you’ve learned then.” He chuckled. He wasn’t sure what to expect. But Dan seemed quite interested, and Phil was curious.  
23:03  
May 🌈  
Even with a pounding headache, Phil is still the most fun person Dan has ever known. Dan shifts his weight a tad so he can reach Phil's face more easily, still smiling. "Let's see here," his voice is still soft to preserve the quiet of the room. "I think I'll start here," Dan lifts his hand to rest on the side of Phil's face lightly, his thumb on Phil's temple and his fingertips at the back of his neck. "Just gonna rub a bit. Not too hard. It shouldn't hurt, apparently. Close your eyes, maybe." Dan takes the cheeky opportunity to look over Phil's beautiful face. Dan is really, really in love with Phil. That thought doesn't come with all the existentialism right now, it just feels whole in Dan's chest. And butterflies, but that's normal. Dan puts more pressure at the base of Phil's brainstem, which was a lot more gross to think about in theory than it is to practice. Nothing feels gross with Phil. They've had their share of gross moments, but none of them have been disturbing to Dan. "They said you might feel, like, a shiver down your neck? Just a little bit. And cold in your forehead, in the middle." When Phil seems to relax into it, he leans on his elbow to use both hands, cupping Phil's cheeks in his palms.   
23:15  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, and closes his eyes, letting Dan do his thing. It doesn’t hurt. He doesn’t exactly feel any shivers or chills either, and overall it just feels like Dan is squeezing Phil’s head between his hands. Which makes sense, considering that’s exactly what he was doing. Maybe Dan was doing it wrong. Maybe Phil wasn’t believing hard enough. Or maybe the whole procedure was nonsense. But regardless, it was quite cute listening to Dan play doctor. His hands were warm, and soft, and he was trying to help, and even if this wasn’t Phil’s idea of a migraine remedy, just having Dan close to him was making him feel a little better. Dopamine, he supposed. This was like that orgasm thing Dan was talking about, except they were fully clothed and Phil was just happy to be here. “That does feel a little better.” He smiled. Not physically, because physically his head might as well be a blender and his brain mixed berries. But emotionally, it definitely helped.  
22 October 2019  
01:03  
May 🌈  
At this point, Dan is half certain Phil is just entertaining him by letting him do this, but it doesn't really matter. It's an excuse to be close to Phil and to do something nice for him, Dan won't ever pass up that opportunity. He adds more pressure bits at a time as his fingers move in slow circles. It isn't quite enough to irritate Phil, Dan thinks. After so many years, Dan likes to think he knows Phil's limits of annoyance. Soon, Dan's hands move back to cup the nape of Phil's neck, thumbs just behind and under his ears, very near his jawline. He more massages Phil's neck now, though the videos still referred to this area as the brain stem, which Dan still finds creepy. It brings Phil just a tad closer, which is always good. He reminds Phil, "Just say the word and I'll give you a proper back massage instead." That, he's done loads of times. He knows Phil's back like the back of his hand, though that type of massage usually leads to the much less professional orgasmic type of pain relief. Dan consciously realizes his sex drive is back. Even if he isn't planning on acting on it just now,it's a nice option, isn't it? Eventually, Dan just massages the nape of Phil's neck with one hand and cups his forehead with the other, his thumb just between Phil's eyebrows, "Bear with me, this is the odd one. Relax your face. And your neck. And the rest of you while you're at it."   
07:50  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, keeping his eyes closed, but opening them occasionally to peek at Dan and the look of concentration on his face. He was really trying, bless him. And maybe it did work, in a way. In the sense that it provided a distraction from his headache by drawing his attention instead to Dan’s pinching and squeezing. Though when Dan have him a warning, Phil laughed softly. “This is the weird one?” He chuckled. This whole thing was a bit weird, if Phil was honest. It felt a bit like Dan was trying to crack his skull like an egg. But, he did make an effort to try and relax as best he could, for whatever Dan was about to do next. With one hand on his forehead, and the other at the back of his neck, Phil briefly feared that Dan was going to snap something. But that was probably unlikely. No number of YouTube videos could train you for that.  
08:49  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs with Phil. Yeah, Phil is definitely humoring Dan with this, but it's cute. Phil is so cute. Dan has Phil laughing and smiling rather than writhing in pain, and isn't that the point? Maybe it wasn't the intention of the videos, but it's a good result, either way. Dan is very gentle with Phil, especially his neck. Maybe Dan isn't consciously thinking of it now, but his neck anxiety is always present. Dan will never let Phil be hurt that way. It did just start as anxiety about his own safety, but over the years, his anxiety spread to encompass Phil. Dan starts giggling again after a minute or so, thinking Phil must be trying hard not to laugh, given what he's letting Dan do to him. "You really love me, don't you?" Dan and Phil are pragmatists. They believe in love and that's about all. They're too gay for religion, too British for spirituality, and too young to actually care about royalty. Dan calls bullshit on most of what he sees online, but the people in the videos had degrees and they were wearing scrubs and maybe Dan totally fell for that. Maybe he just really, really wanted to be able to help Phil. Dan finally gives up, deciding to give Phil a tender kiss instead, "Compare and contrast: what worked better, the massage or the kiss?"   
09:02  
Charlie 🎄  
“Mhm,” Phil hums. “I do.” He loved Dan a lot, with everything he had. And that wasn’t ever going to change, he thought. They both were the type of people to take love so very seriously. Dan, because he hadn’t been shown enough of it in his early life. So as an adult, he fought hard to earn and maintain the love he was given. And Phil, because he had such a fear of loss, that he couldn’t bear not showering the people in his life with as much love as he could give. Losing people was inevitable, it seemed. Whether that was death, or simply growing apart, loss wasn’t something you could avoid. And Phil never wanted anybody to leave his life wondering how much he cared about them. And these were the thoughts swirling around Phil’s head as he tried to relax, waiting for Dan to do something, waiting for him to get to the weird part. But instead, he found soft lips pressed against his own, and it made him smile warmly. His eyes fluttered open when they parted, and he grinned a little. “What kind of videos were you watching again?” He teased. And at Dan’s question, he gave a little laugh, rolling into his side and pulling Dan a little closer against his body. “Both had their benefits.” He said. “But I think the kids was a little more enjoyable.” He teased. “I’m a sucker for old fashioned medicine.” He smirked.  
09:16  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs with Phil and gladly comes in closer, his hands finding their way to Phil's sides, "Why? It's not like I would ever look up pressure points for sexual arousal. That would be naughty. Totally NSFW. Surely, YouTube would ban that type of content." Okay, Dan's exaggerating, it was only a small warning that some patients find these massages more sexually stimulating than papain relieving. Dan gladly kisses Phil again, this time more lingeringly. He's gentle with Phil, of course. Dan listens closely to Phil's body for any sign of discomfort. Phil sometimes gets a bit quiet with his headaches, it can be difficult to gauge Phil's needs. "Lucky for you, the doctor's in," Dan laughs at his own stupid joke. He might ordinarily tickle Phil or pull him over to get him closer, but today, he's all slow and gentle touches. It's fun nonetheless, just not Phil and Dan's usual idea of rowdy fun. That's more than alright by Dan. "Should I dig through your prop bin and dig out that old lab coat?"   
09:24  
Charlie 🎄  
“Kinky.” Phil chuckles, leaning close against Dan’s body. Maybe today is a bit of a write off. He’s on the tail end of a migraine that will no doubt hang on for the rest of the day, and he doesn’t feel like doing anything productive. There’s probably nothing productive left to do, since Dan’s new favourite hobby seems to be housework. So maybe it’s okay if he just lays in bed today. The idea is certainly more appealing when he has Dan at his side, being so sweet. Or, maybe sweet is the wrong choice of words, considering Phil is pretty sure he just spent ten minutes squishing Phil’s brain in an attempt to turn him on. It was a strange form of foreplay, but could Phil honestly say it hadn’t worked, even a little bit? “Am I still allowed to ask for that back massage?” He asked, kissing Dan’s cheek gently. He always did love when Dan rubbed his back. And if it kept Dan in bed with him for a little bit longer, then Phil certainly wouldn’t complain.  
11:54  
May 🌈  
"At your service," Dan teases. He pecks Phil's lips once more before sitting up to get down to business. He helps pull Phil's shirt off and throw it across the room to the laundry hamper. They won't be needing that anytime soon. He straddles Phil's back without the least bit of apprehension. It's quite the comfortable position. He sits up until Phil turns over onto his front. The freckles on his back are one of Dan's very favorite things. In the right light, it looks like it could be glitter. Dan starts there around Phil's shoulders, unsure of how much pressure will be too much considering the headache. He sits back on Phil's bum and leans forward as the massage starts. Dan loves this. Phil doesn't always let Dan do things for him, so he sometimes feels a bit helpless, but not today. Today, Dan is taking care of everything, it feels really good. He feels confident and capable, like he's more than a depressed mess for someone else to handle. Dan brushes Phil's hair back off his forehead before moving further down his back. He takes his time to get all the knots out of Phil's back. If he tries to do it too quickly, it will feel uncomfortable for Phil and he won't want to do it anymore. Phil is tense all the time, even now, to an extent, and he holds a lot of that in his back. It can't be a good feeling, but letting go of that tension doesn't always feel good, either. Dan takes it slow and gentle, not using all the strength he might on a normal day. "Good?" Dan checks in after a few minutes.   
12:01  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, moving around until he’s in a position that will be comfortable for them both, hugging a pillow against his chest and resting his head there, letting Dan straddle him. Phil doesn’t often let Dan pamper him this way. Phil is a giver. He enjoys taking care of others and it feels weird when the tables are turned. But today feels different. Dan seems to be doing so well, he’s so light and airy and happy, and he doesn’t... need Phil’s help. Even on his last medication, it felt like Dan needed a constant level of support. Even on his best days, he needed Phil to fall back on. But it seemed different now. Like he didn’t need to rely on Phil at all. And that was different, but it was definitely a very good sign. And so Phil let Dan help him, enjoying the feeling of Dan’s strong hands pressing the knots out of his tense muscles. Dan was /good/ at this. And Phil has no idea where he’d learned it. “Very good.” He mumbled when Dan asked. He should really let Dan do this more often.  
12:26  
May 🌈  
Eventually, Phil really does start to relax. Seeing that makes Dan feel immensely proud. It's rare, especially these days. Coming out wasn't easy on either of them. It's something different, going about the day knowing that everyone knows, everyone being the world. It's a lot to carry. All Dan's carrying, Phil carries that with him. Dan can feel it all right here in Phil's muscles. Every so often, when Dan actually gets a knot out, he leans forward and leaves a kiss in the spot it was. "You're so beautiful, Phil," Dan mumbles absentmindedly. They have all the time in the world to be together like this, there's no rush. When Dan works on Phil's neck, he's very gentle. This isn't like what he learned online, it's just Dan knowing Phil's body and filling in the blanks. He briefly tries to recall when he last gave Phil a hickey. Too long ago, if he can't remember it. He isn't planning on it today, Phil's already hurting, it wouldn't feel good. But someday soon. "Can you turn your head this way, love?"   
12:35  
Charlie 🎄  
They both carry their stress very differently. Dan carries his very outwardly. One glance at him and you could see on his face that he was struggling with something. It changed his mood, it made him withdraw into himself more, made him more defensive, and snappier. Like a frightened animal just trying to survive. Phil’s stress was quieter, and manifested itself in physical symptoms. Migraines, a tenseness in his back, rigidity in his jaw. Things you couldn’t necessarily see. So while Dan May need emotional support and a shoulder to cry on when he was stressed, sometimes Phil just needed a nap. He turned his head at Dan’s request, his eyes still closed. He noticed the way Dan’s firm touch softened immensely around Phil’s neck. Phil knew that Dan had a thing about that. Phil learned long ago not to ever touch Dan’s neck unless every movement was measured and so, so gentle. Dan often touched Phil the way he wanted to be touched himself, and that was softly, and carefully, with no abrupt movements, and no surprises. The calculation of each touch made Dan feel safe. And while Phil didn’t necessarily require that level of care, he still so appreciated how meticulous and careful Dan was.  
23 October 2019  
03:53  
May 🌈  
Dan actively struggles with Depression, it isn't something he'll ever be comfortable with. However, feeling in his hands the way Phil physically holds all that anxiety in makes Dan feel grateful to process stress the way he does. Sleep and rest are great sources of comfort to him, so the idea of being so chronically tense so as to cause himself pain and keep himself from sleeping or relaxing… It's really disturbing to Dan. Phil is so much stronger than he knows for putting on such a brave face all the time, just doing what needs to be done for everyone else. Dan hopes maybe someday Phil will believe Dan when he tells him that. He doesn't bring it up now, of course. He very rarely does, it's a problem without any resolution to speak of. There's no use in bringing up negativity. Instead, Dan leaves kisses on Phil's neck when his hands are finished there. He loves kissing Phil's neck. He rubs Phil's waistline as he lingers like this, leant over Phil's body. In this intimate moment, he feels an overwhelming amount of love for Phil. He would live in this moment forever if he could. Eventually, Dan asks, "Did I get it all? Where do you still feel it?" Dan feels around Phil's lower back for stubborn signs of tension.  
04:00  
Charlie 🎄  
The silence is nice. With Dan, it’s nice. With anyone else, Phil might feel the need to chatter, fill the void with small talk about the weather or something equally as mundane, just to avoid the quiet. But with Dan, silence never feels heavy, or awkward, or tense. It feels sweet, and calm, and intimate. Dan’s body is warm against Phil’s skin and he tilts his head just a little more when Dan’s lips press against his neck. In a position like this, with Dan’s body weight pressing him firmly into the mattress, warm breath on bare flesh, Phil can’t stop his mind from wandering a little. How many times had he found himself in this exact position, partaking in a slightly different activity? Certainly more than a few. But before his mind could fall too far down that rabbit hole, Dan was sitting up again, prodding around for any more tension in Phil’s back. “Feels good, babe.” Phil mumbled, chuckling a little and reaching back to place a hand gently against Dan’s thigh. “Feels a lot better.” He smiled.  
04:15  
May 🌈  
Upon sitting up and seeing Phil's hand on his thigh that way, his mind wanders back to the last time they were in this position. It was far too long ago, in Dan's opinion, but very lovely. It always is. Phil will always be Dan's safe, happy place. He silently recalls Phil's deep moans, his tight grip on Dan's thigh, his tight muscles, though for a very different reason that time. Dan remembers their fingers intertwined; they never really do manage to get close enough. It will never be close enough. Dan's hands move south of their own accord to feel around Phil's hips for tense muscles. And absolutely nothing else. It's completely chaste. Of course. Dan's voice is a little lower when he asks, "I don't reckon you're feeling up to good, old-fashioned medicine? You know, the fun kind of alternative medicine?" He won't touch Phil intimately without his permission, but Dan feels around Phil's hips and thighs to test the waters. If Phil feels overwhelmed by the sensations, Dan will just stop and cuddle up with his boyfriend instead. Dan is just happy to be with Phil.   
04:23  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can’t help but smirk a little. Somehow he’d known this massage would lead to that question. But he wasn’t complaining. After a week of Dan barely being able to get out of bed for a snack and a shower, his renewed sex drive was quite a lovely thing. “It definitely couldn’t hurt.” Phil chuckled. The chances of it taking his headache away was slim, but it would be a very, very nice distraction. “What about you, though?” He asked, carefully turning over to lay on his back, so that he could look up at Dan more properly. “You feel okay?” He asked. Dan’s needs seemed to be working wonders, but Phil still had to ask. It wasn’t such an issue anymore, but there was a time, early on, when Dan would sometimes offer to do things he didn’t really feel up for, because he felt like he had to, or that he should. Phil hadn’t realized he was doing this at first, and when he’d found out, it had been very upsetting. And ever since, even though he probably didn’t need to, he always asked. Double and triple checked with Dan to be sure that he was okay.  
04:43  
May 🌈  
Dan sits up to let Phil turn over. He can't help but smile when he sees Phil's face again. He cups Phil's cheek affectionately as they talk, just to feel closer, "That's good to hear." Dan is not proud of the way he acted in the beginning of his and Phil's relationship. Nobody ever loved him so much before, and Dan didn't know what to do with it. Before starting therapy, Dan didn't realize he was struggling with sexual trauma and abandonment issues. He just knew he was fanatically in love with Phil and he would have done literally anything to keep Phil in love with him. He didn't know that he didn't have to do anything. Phil would have loved him no matter what, he can see that now. Dan should have just been honest, but he didn't know Phil wanted that, not really. Dan thought everything inside him was dark and dirty and ugly, and he didn't want Phil to see any of that. So, he kept his mental illness to himself for the most part. He pushed himself too hard to make Phil believe he was normal and okay. Dan is convinced it was never a bad experience in the moment. Phil never, ever hurt Dan, he just wanted Dan to feel good, he wanted them to be close. It was Dan who was hurting himself. Physically, it felt good. But emotionally, Dan was miles away. He gave himself more than his fair share of nightmares doing that, and practically gave Phil a panic attack when the truth finally came out. Realizing Dan had hurt Phil that way was traumatizing in itself, all the time truly believing Phil was just waiting for the right moment to leave Dan. It took a long time for them to feel okay again after that. Those thoughts are very far from Dan right now. "I feel really good," Dan reassures Phil. "Actually. I feel alive. I want to feel alive with you, baby." He leans down for a kiss, his hand finding one of Phil's to hold. Sex isn't something Dan has to talk himself into anymore. It doesn't give him nightmares or secret anxiety attacks in the shower. It's purely beautiful.  
04:51  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil gives a tiny sigh of relief, and kisses Dan in return. He’s sure he’ll always do this. He’ll always have just a moment of doubt, he’ll always have to ask. Just for his own peace of mind. But he believes Dan now when he says that he wants something. For a long time, it wasn’t so easy to believe that. Phil didn’t know much about the relationships Dan had before him. It wasn’t a topic either of them felt comfortable discussing in much detail. Because it didn’t matter who they were with in the past. What mattered was that they were together now. But Phil could only assume that Dan’s previous partners had not been very nice to him, considering how Dan had basically just allowed Phil to take advantage of him for far too long in the beginning. Phil desperately wishes he would have known, that he would have been more attentive. He could have spared them both a lot of heartache. But they’d worked through that now. It was years in the past, and everything that happened between them now happened willingly, and enthusiastically, and Phil would settle for nothing less. If Dan even so much as hesitated answering the question, then it was a no to Phil, and that was okay. “Tell me what you want.” Phil murmurs against Dan’s lips. Communication was so important to them, especially in situations as vulnerable as this.  
12:01  
May 🌈  
Dan smiles into the kiss when Phil asks him to talk dirty. He sways his bum absentmindedly, only lightly pressing his hips against Phil's. Dan kisses down to Phil's neck so he can multitask talking and kissing, "I wanna fuck you." He squeezes Phil's hand, his voice slowing down as he mouths Phil's neck, "But first, I wanna take a good, long time stretching you open. Wanna massage you on the inside, too. I'm very thorough in my work ethic." He chuckles at the last part, lightening the mood. It's easier to take the pressure off both of them with a joke here and there. When Dan was a kid, sex was heavy and emotional and scary. He didn't know he was supposed to, or even allowed to talk to his partner. He thought it was supposed to be moody and intense like in the movies, but it isn't. Sex shouldn't make anyone feel alone. Dan requests, "Tell me what you want?" He kisses Phil's collarbone in his quest to kiss every square inch of Phil's body. Talking dirty is sometimes a little awkward, but hearing Phil do it? Dan will never get enough of that.   
15:07  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil lets his hands come to rest at Dan’s sides, allowing his body to react naturally to Dan’s words, and his movements. Dan certainly wasn’t being shy today. But Phil liked his idea. It had been some time since Phil had bottomed, but it was something he did quite enjoy on occasion. And with his headache still very present, he didn’t quite feel up to anything too involved or strenuous. “I want that too.” He breathes, one hand moving upwards from Dan’s waist to curl carefully into the short hair at the back of Dan’s head. “But let’s go back to our room first?” He chuckled. They were still in the guest room, and Phil knew there was no lube in here. And as much as moving felt like the worst thing to suggest right now, he just wasn’t totally willing to do this without it. Condoms were less of an issue. These days they only really used them to make clean up a bit easier. But lube has a more important function. “Plus, Our bed is bigger.” Phil chuckled. “More room to spread out.” He smirked, pressing his lips against Dan’s again just briefly before carefully sitting up, still holding Dan in his lap.  
18:23  
May 🌈  
This is something special they don't do quite enough. Or maybe they do, maybe that's what makes it so special. That, and the closeness, intimacy, vulnerability, perhaps. And the confidence. Dan loves that. He isn't a particularly confident person generally, but his and Phil's sexual life has really helped Dan grow into himself. Being able to make his partner, who he adores like he put the stars in the sky, feel so good on a physical, as well as emotional, level makes Dan feel worth something. It makes him believe he deserves Phil's love. Of course, it's grown from that, but that was the basic premise so long ago. Once Dan actually got therapeutic support for his trauma, that perspective that once pushed him to sacrifice his well-being became more positive. Phil helped Dan get into the good habit of not overthinking his sexuality, so Dan doesn't think about that too often anymore. Phil accepts Dan as he is, that alone has meant the universe to Dan. Dan closes his eyes when he feels Phil's hand in his hair, sending little spits of electricity into his scalp. It feels so very nice. Dan sits up with Phil, checking with a hand on the back of his head, "Are you sure you feel up to it, love? Actually? It's just talk, we don't have to." Dan will be gentle with Phil, of course, but if even that worsens rather than helps Phil's pain, Dan isn't willing to do it.   
18:32  
Charlie 🎄  
“Would I be even suggesting getting up out of this bed if I wasn’t?” Phil smirked, his arms wrapping firmly around Dan’s waist. When his migraines were at their peak, he was useless. He had to lay in bed because it was the only thing he could physically manage to do. But it wasn’t so bad right now. It was uncomfortable, and there was pain, but he was functional. “Dopamine or whatever, right? Endorphins. I’m just thinking about my health.” He grinned, letting his lips trail across Dan’s jaw, nipping playfully at his earlobe. When it came to sex, it was another area they were slightly different. When Dan’s brain was good, his sex drive was unmatched. He was like a bunny rabbit, and Phil swore Dan could have sex non stop if that were realistic. It hasn’t always been that way, but it certainly was the case now. Whereas Phil wasn’t quite as rambunctious. A few days, or a week without, didn’t bother him so much. But that was a good thing, he thought. It made the once or twice a week they found themselves here, a little better. A little more special. At least, that’s how Phil saw it. “C’mon, no more worrying. I’m good. You’re good. That’s enough.” He smiled.  
19:01  
May 🌈  
Dan hates that smirk. Really, he loves it, but one look at that silly, cocky, sexual smile on Phil's lips has Dan blushing and giggly. It could have Dan half hard in his pants quite literally anywhere, anytime. The smirk even feels cocky on Dan's lips, no pun intended. He audibly, happily sighs in an attempt to subvert a moan already. It's been so long since they've last been together, Dan is admittedly overdue. Dan's arms rest over Phil's shoulders when he kisses around Dan's sweet spot. His breath stutters when he feels Phil's mouth on his ear. This was a very good idea. "Just your health," Dan's brain struggles to catch up, "Gotta take care of my man." He kisses Phil when he's done telling Dan not to worry. Point taken. It takes some self-control to convince himself to stand from where he straddles Phil's lap so they can head down the hall to their bedroom. The bed is made and for once, everything is organized in its place. This room was one of the beneficiaries of Dan's sudden urge to clean. Dan digs through their bedside stand to find lube and condoms, not really wanting to make a big mess right now. Dan then follows Phil onto their bed for another kiss. He's still in his skinny jeans, so one hand does its very best to unbutton them.  
20:07  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil follows Dan to their bedroom, beyond glad to find that the brighter light and louder street sounds in this room aren’t bothering him anymore. That’s definitely a good thing. He climbs into the familiar bed, watching Dan dog around in the bedside drawer for everything they’re going to need. He can see Dan one-handedly fumbling at his jeans, trying to undo them while they kiss, and Phil couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “Need some help?” He murmured against Dan’s lips, his hands moving to Dan’s button, and then to his zipper, helping to undo the restrictive jeans. “Slip those off and lay down, yeah? Wanna make you feel good.” Phil breathed. The last time they’d done anything sexual had been last week, and for Dan it had been a minutes-long handjob in the shower. Phil could do better than that, and Dan deserves it. So as long as Dan is willing, Phil would love to spend some time focusing on him a little more properly.  
20:56  
May 🌈  
Dan's cheeks are fully blushed, but there's no shame here. Never. Dan will never be able to thank Phil enough for that. Dan truly doesn't know how Phil manages to be so collected during sex. Dan is sometimes so overwhelmed by how good it feels, he can hardly think. Sometimes, that doesn't take much. Dan is still infatuated with Phil after all these years. He's much more than that, but that passion is an important part of this that isn't going away anytime soon. He considers Phil's request a moment before deciding yes, he can definitely last more than one round tonight. And Phil insisted Dan not fuss over him anymore, so he supposes Phil is feeling well enough. "Okay," Dan smiles and he strips down to just his pants. He lies down with some hesitation, feeling much more inclined to stay where he is and keep kissing Phil. "How do you want me? I'm all yours," Dan questions, reaching for Phil's hand to hold. He bites on his bottom lip out of habit, that oral fixation coming out now that he doesn't have much to do with his mouth.   
21:06  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, and lets Dan get comfortable. They’ve been together for so long now. They’d done this countless times, countless ways, and they truly knew each other’s bodies inside and out. “Just Like That.” Phil said softly, repositioning himself so that he could kneel between Dan’s legs, which were already slightly propped open. There was such a stark difference, between now, and the first few times they’d done this. Dan’s confidence had increased tenfold, and so had his trust. Phil couldn’t remember the last time they’d encountered a problem in moments like this, aside from the normal, and naturally awkward moments that sex tended to bring. Too much teeth, or an embarrassing sound, the little things, the tiny imperfections that nobody ever taught you about. But those things were so minor. It could be so much worse. But Phil chose not to think about the negative possibilities and instead focus on the much more common pleasantries, like the feeling of leaning over Dan and sucking his bottom lip gently between his teeth. His body rested carefully against Dan’s, just letting both of them warm up a little before he went further.  
21:26  
May 🌈  
Dan giggles lightly when Phil sucks on his lip for him. Dan reaches out to pull Phil in near to kiss him properly, a smile still on his face. This is heaven. His legs spread wider so Phil can come in closer to him, as close as Phil will have him. For all Dan's sex drive is worth, he could gladly stay right here kissing Phil all night and be totally content. His hand wanders over Phil's chest as they properly make out, groping his pecs, then his ribs and his waist. Dan loves every piece of Phil. Phil has entirely changed the way Dan experiences attraction. All those hot celebrities Dan fancied as a teenager don't look the same to Dan. He feels actually old when he thinks of it, but he's only really attracted to Phil now. When he finds interest in other people, it's only because some part of them reminds him of Phil. Eventually, Dan's hips start cheekily moving against Phil's, his hands both trailing down to hold onto Phil's hips to encourage a rhythm. Just this simple movement feels fucking amazing. Dan does a poor job of masking a couple of moans. Soon, he'll stop caring what sounds he makes, but as they are, he's a bit shy about getting so excited so quickly.   
21:41  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles against Dan’s mouth, able to feel the electricity building up beneath Dan’s skin. It never takes much to get him going, and it’s quite charming. Phil sighs happily at all of Dan’s little touches, pulling away just long enough to pull his own shirt off over his head and dump it to the ground. Then he returns to their kiss, his hands gripping at Dan’s waist to hold him steady while Phil grinds down against him once, and then again. Then, his lips begin to move, from Dan’s mouth, to his cheek, and down his jaw towards his neck. He keeps in mind Dan’s anxiety surrounding this area, and he pauses for a moment just beneath Dan’s jaw line, so that Dan can process, so that he knows what Phil’s about to do. No surprises. And after a moment or two of this, he lets himself kiss along the side of Dan’s neck, gentle, and soft, his grip on Dan’s waist loosening into soft caresses to match. Above all else, Phil wanted Dan to feel safe with him. Because he was safe, always. Phil would never intentionally do something that would cause Dan pain, or harm. Accidents sometimes happened, of course. But Phil took great care to prevent them.  
21:57  
May 🌈  
Dan really does his best to stay still when Phil holds him down, but his hips have a mind of their own, resisting in an attempt to get more friction. Sitting still proves a massive challenge when Phil is involved. Dan brushes his fingers over Phil's short hair as his head moves further south. Dan knows what's coming well in advance, so he has time enough to briefly prepare himself. It isn't entirely conscious, because Dan is not quite thinking with his head right now, but he breathes more intentionally evenly, rolls his head back, relaxes the muscles in and around his neck so it feels right. Dan's really mostly uncomfortable with hands near his neck, but if he isn't paying close enough attention, anything can feel just the same. Phil is obviously careful with Dan's biggest sensitivity and it means everything to Dan. Rather than panic-inducing, Phil's kisses feel passionate. Dan feels them in his bones, he could swear. Dan lets go of control and it feels amazing. He's safe, but more than that. Phil has all the power over Dan, and rather than use that to hurt him, he's going to use it to make Dan feel some really, really amazing things. It's the kind of thrill maybe most people need BDSM to reach, but for Dan, this is all it takes. "I love you, Phil," Dan whispers, eyes closed in euphoria. The rest of Dan's body relaxes beneath Phil's, finally.  
22:07  
Charlie 🎄  
“I love you.” Phil breathed. He loved being able to make Dan so relaxed, especially like this, touching him in an area that used to be entirely, strictly off limits. This type of gentle exposure over the years has opened Dan up a tremendous amount. And when Phil brings a hand up to rest very carefully at the side of Dan’s neck, opposite his lips, he takes care to move slowly, and gently. Fingertips brushing barely there across smooth skin, able to feel Dan’s pulse quicken just a little. He’s safe. Phil would never hurt him, the way he could only assume someone else had hurt him in the past. It must have been bad, if it still lingered with Dan so many years later. And Phil wanted Dan to know that he never had to worry again. He let his thumb brush softly, soothingly, against the base of Dan’s throat, and then he moved a little lower again, kissing across Dan’s collarbones.  
22:27  
May 🌈  
Phil is a saint for loving Dan this way. He is so patient and kind, only wanting Dan to feel okay. It took a lot of work to get to this point. Dan doesn't grab Phil's hand, push him away, or run for the door like some part of his guttural instinct still tells him to. No, Dan tells himself he is safe here, and he is. Dan still usually needs his eyes open for this, but today, he keeps them closed. He recognizes Phil's hand like his own. He recognizes soft, moisturized skin, feel the coolness compared to his own chronically warm skin, he can smell Phil's lotion, feel the gentleness only Phil's ever given him. Dan's body reacts to Phil's touch only because he's so in love. Phil is drawing out Dan's deepest fear, proving it wrong, and tenderly tucking it back in place again. Dan doesn't want this moment to end. It does, but in this moment, Dan doesn't have to be afraid. It's a relief. It puts Dan in a sort of headspace that isn't right for all day every day, but right now, it's just right. Dan is entirely pliant for Phil now, even his grip on Phil's hair and shoulder loose and soft. "Phil," Dan breathes out as comfortably as any other breath. Dan treasures Phil. His eyes open again so he can look down and watch Phil kiss his skin. He's more beautiful than words can express. Dan's fingers play with Phil's hair of their own accord.   
22:40  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles quietly against Dan’s skin at the breathy sounds, and moves even farther down Dan’s body now, to the space just below his navel and above the hem of his boxers. They don’t leave a lot to the imagination, and Phil can see the effect he’s having. Which never fails to boost his ego a little bit. His lips trail quietly over Dan’s soft tummy, and down to the strained fabric, where he places a few gentle kisses against the obvious bulge there. There’s nothing Phil loves more than making Dan feel good. It’s not a difficult task, by any means. But it’s still so satisfying to watch the way his touch makes Dan’s face, and his body react. He tugs gently at the fabric then, pulling Dan’s boxers down until he’s exposed, and then glancing upwards to meet his eyes. Checking in, making sure once again that this is okay.  
23:02  
May 🌈  
Dan is long convinced there's something magic about Phil. The effect he has on Dan is beyond what science can explain, surely. He's buzzing with that magic now. He can't reach Phil so easily once he finds his way down to Dan's hips, so Dan shifts his knee back and forth to rub Phil's side. Phil doesn't have to ask Dan to beg, "Please?" He raises his hands over his head to rest on the pillow, since he can't really reach Phil particularly well, anyway. He shouldn't disrupt Phil right now, considering his headache. If Phil feels comfortable doing this, that's okay, but Dan isn't willing to accidentally be just a tad too rough with him and hurt him. The feeling of Phil's kiss on his length is indescribable. "Please, Phil, baby," Dan very nearly whines. He rubs his eyes without much coordination, already feeling himself consumed by Phil's touch. The anticipation is half the fun, but Dan certainly doesn't have Phil's patience.  
23:13  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil laughs softly, his thumbs rubbing circles against Dan’s hip bones to relax him again, as he carefully brings his kisses to Dan’s length. His lips brush easily across the underside of his cock, allowing the tip to glide just between his lips. Just the tiniest bit, teasing. He suckles there for a moment before allowing himself to go further, holding Dan’s hips steady because he knew Dan had a tendency to squirm around and buck his hips and Phil wanted to have just a little more control, mostly for the sake of his headache. Though that was about the farthest thing from his mind right now. What an incredible distraction this was. So once he had Dan’s hips stable, he took his cock even deeper, beginning to settle into a slow and even rhythm. This was probably one of the easiest ways to get Dan worked up, and Phil knew it might not be long before Dan would start making those tiny, whimpering moans that he always did when he started getting close. It was one of Phil’s favourite sounds in the world.  
23:41  
May 🌈  
Phil's subtle reminder has Dan relaxing back into the mattress again. He closes his eyes and focuses on being good for Phil, though he knows it will become more difficult a task the longer Phil has with him. It doesn't take long at all for Phil to pull involuntary gasps and low moans from Dan's lips. Phil grabs Dan's hips like he's scared they'll gag him, so Dan obediently lowers his knees to rest his legs flat against the mattress. It isn't long at all before Dan's grabbing what he can of their bedpost, clearly getting wound up in no time at all. Phil knows just how every little movement makes Dan feel and he works Dan's body with no trouble at all. "Oh, Phil, oh my God…" Dan digs his heels into the bed, curls his toes, and bites his lip rhythmically in tune with Phil's movements. Somehow, Dan always forgets just how good this is. Memory will never hold a candle to the real thing. This is where Dan belongs. He gets much more quiet when he gets close. His "oh"s and "uh"s become more high-pitched and whimpery, he can't help it, it feels too good to sensor himself. Dan is well-known to be articulate, but right now, he struggles to focus long enough to find the words, "I'm- oh Phil, Phil I'm- baby. Really close." He lasts longer than he thought he would, all things considered.   
23:48  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil slows when Dan starts chattering, barely coherent words and sounds that come together to form some semblance of a warning, and Phil pulls back, for just a moment, catching his breath and leaving several open mouthed kisses along the side of Dan’s length. “Tell me what you want.” He says again, his voice low and sultry. He knows there’s more Dan wants to do. And Phil is unsure if Dan wants to tip past that edge now, or hold off. Sometimes Dan can go more than once, something Phil has never really been able to master. But it all depends on how Dan’s feeling. So Phil pauses, he gives Dan a chance to communicate, without ruining the mood. They can pause here, move on and let Dan work on Phil while he cools down. Or, Phil can keep going. He can give Dan his release, they can take a little break, and go from there. It’s all up to Dan.  
24 October 2019  
17:29  
May 🌈  
"Oh, my God," Dan moans through a soft laugh when Phil pauses, coming down from his high quickly enough. It's amazing how Phil makes a mess out of him so quickly and easily. Dan doesn't know how he ever got so lucky. Still, he needs a moment to organize his thoughts. He reaches down to cup Phil's cheek to feel him as he looks into Phil's sparkling blue eyes, "You're so fucking perfect. So. Wow." He shakes his head with a smile on his face, "Um. Yeah, I can definitely go for two. Please, love? Please, make me come for you?" Dan would sit up and contort his body to kiss Phil if he had any faith he could. Dan looks over Phil's lips, just slightly more shiny and richly colored than usual. Then his eyes, maybe just a little glossy. His He'll spend plenty of time fingering Phil to give Dan's body time to warm up again. In the same way Dan could do nothing but kiss Phil endlessly, Dan is sure he could gladly finger Phil endlessly. For Dan, it isn't about an orgasm (who is he kidding? several orgasms), it's about sharing this special, beautiful thing with Phil. The specifics don't matter so much as the general point.  
17:53  
Charlie 🎄  
That’s all the confirmation Phil was looking for. And he doesn’t make Dan wait much longer. He gets right back to his task, now with a goal in mind. His mouth focuses primarily around Dan’s tip, one hand coming to stroke the rest of him and bring him over that edge. Making Dan come was one of Phil’s favourite things in the world, surely. There couldn’t possibly be anything better than watching Dan completely let go. In almost every other moment of his life, Dan was guarded. Just a little bit. He always had those walls up. And it was moments like this when they fully came down, and Dan was just fully and completely here, in the moment, without a care in the world. Phil worked him back up quickly enough, hand and mouth working together to get Dan right to that edge again.  
19:59  
May 🌈  
"Ah, oh, oh God," Dan's voice raises an octave or two as Phil throws him right back into that high. Dan finds Phil's free hand easily enough to hold, though that's the last quasi-conscious action he has before Phil has him whimpering those little moans that only come out toward the end. Something about these moments bring out a different voice from Dan, a voice he doesn't really even know hinself. His jaw drops and he rolls his head back in ecstasy when he really feels the orgasm. It's the kind of joy that makes Dan never want to open his eyes, because that means it'll be over. Right now, he's sure there's nothing better than this. As though of their own accord, Dan's long legs tense up around Phil's torso a moment or two, keeping him close until Dan's orgasm is finished and he's sensitive and tired. His body relaxes back into the mattress, his muscles weak and his mind quiet. He still has an absent-minded hold on Phil's hand as he lingers in this haze a moment. Dan is always surprised by how good Phil makes this. He tugs lightly on Phil's hand, "Love you. C'mere." Nothing in the whole world could make this better than Phil's arms around Dan and his mouth on Dan's.  
20:00  
Himself *  
20:07  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil works Dan through his high until he’s over sensitive and squirming, finally pulling gently away and wiping his mouth against the back of his hand. He loved nothing more than making Dan feel this way. And he was quick to climb back up to Dan’s side, pulling the other against his chest and wrapping him up in his arms. He knew how much Dan loved to be held right after, and Phil was more than willing to give him that. He didn’t know why Dan enjoyed it so much. Maybe it helped him feel more stable, more secure, more safe. Or maybe he just needed a little bit of extra love and comfort while he came down. Regardless of the reason, Phil was happy to just hold Dan close, letting them both catch their breath, while Phil’s lips trailed absently across Dan’s neck and jaw.  
20:22  
May 🌈  
Dan thinks he could come again right now, watching Phil wipe his mouth like that. Dan knows Phil doesn't even mean for it to be, but Dan just finds it so fucking hot. He slides his limp arms around Phil to pull him in close. He lets Phil get away with kissing his neck until Dan can catch his breath, then he finds Phil's mouth to kiss properly. Dan has no reason to have any reservations about swapping fluids with Phil. They're both safe and besides, Dan thinks tasting himself on Phil's lips is really nice. Dan's literally had his tongue in Phil's asshole more times than he can count. After a while, it all seems just the same. Nothing could keep Dan from kissing Phil just about now, though he's very gentle and soft, still coming down. Sometimes, especially unmedicated, the crash back down to Earth from that high isn't something Dan can easily face alone without a some extra love from his boyfriend. Maybe sometimes, Dan just needs to know Phil will be there when he opens his eyes. It's pathetic, sure, but Dan is far past feeling guilty over his sexual life. "Thank you," Dan mutters as their lips part. He reminds Phil in case he didn't get the message, "You're fucking amazing. Amazing."   
20:36  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles against Dan’s lips, holding him tightly and rubbing circles against his back. Dan always thanked him. And Phil wasn’t sure why. It was such an odd little quirk, but Phil had long stopped questioning it. It was just a part of Dan’s charm. “God, you’re so fucking cute.” He smiled, fingertips gliding up and down Dan’s spine. It was moments like this where Dan was truly at his most open, and vulnerable. And usually, especially now, that was a very good thing. It was something that brought them closer. In the past, these sensitive moments hadn’t always been so pleasant. Dan used to be much quicker to build that wall back up around his heart. But now, things were so much different. And in ten more years Phil knew it would be different again. And that was okay. Change was good. Especially this type of change. It was comforting, to know how much better things were now, compared to ten, or five, or even two years ago. Things were constantly improving, and healing, and at times like these, Phil could see it the most clearly.  
25 October 2019  
13:50  
May 🌈  
Every little touch is heaven to Dan. Pupils blown wide, sensitive bits still pulsating, hands just a tad shaky, and voice still higher pitched than normal, Dan soaks up Phil's touch like he's parched for it. "You're so fucking cute," Dan retorts weakly. He hugs Phil tightly for a few moments, just needing to feel his skin as closely as he can have Phil. Once Dan's breathing returns to normal and he's little more than a soft, sappy, happy mess, he starts kissing Phil's neck again. It takes a few minutes, but Dan comes back down from that overwhelmed state with a light smile. He palms Phil's hip as he looks for more kisses from Phil. His hand easily makes its way to Phil's bulge, which is obviously not at all soft. "Your turn," Dan whispers between kisses. "Are you ready?" Dan keeps his palm touch delicate for now, not wanting Phil to get too close too quickly, though he knows Phil has much more stamina than Dan could ever hope for. Dan used to think he just had a lot of stamina, at least that's what he was told. Then, he met Phil and came in about five minutes. As it turns out, Dan's legitimately never had good sex until Phil. Back then, he believed gay sex was meant to hurt. He didn't realize it was hard to feel good at all, let alone have an orgasm, while someone's hurting him. Phil's never, ever made Dan feel that way. Even when Dan was acting like a fucking idiot and having sex with Phil when he didn't want to, it Phil never hurt him. It always felt good, Phil has always been very good to Dan. Dan did it because that's all he knew. It didn't seem like Dan was doing something wrong at the time, he thought that's just what sex is. Dan hasn't thought that way in a long time. Phil saved him from that shitty mindset.  
14:45  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil holds Dan close for as long as he needs, the strain in his own lower half Long forgotten as long as he was pouring his attention into Dan. It took some time for Dan to come back around, and for a moment or two, Phil thought maybe they were all done, maybe Dan was too tired to continue. And that would have been perfectly fine, of course. But naturally, that was not the case. Never the case for Dan. A few minutes of rest and his hands started wandering again, ready for more, and it was something about him Phil didn’t know he’d ever understand. Stamina was a strange thing. Dan May not typically last very long, but he could go for multiple rounds, which Phil had never really been able to do. Phil tended to last a bit longer, but when he was done, he was done. In a different setting, he may joke that he was just getting old and breaking down. But realistically, that’s just the way his body was wired. And when Dan began to touch him, Phil let out a happy little sound, and nodded. “Ready as long as you are.” He smiled. “Just tell me how you want me.” He chuckled. Sometimes Phil could swear that half the time they spent having sex, was spent just talking, giggling, and switching position. They both had various preferences and positions they liked, and they’d reached a point quite some time ago where neither of them were shy speaking up when something wasn’t working. That was something that had taken Phil a while to learn, early on in his own sex life. It wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t as easy and flawless as it seemed in porn, or in the movies. Sex was awkward, and silly, and a little weird, and sometimes certain things just didn’t work out the way you expected. It was all very trial and error and eventually, with enough time and practice and communication, you’d find what worked.  
14:55  
May 🌈  
"Always. Hm," Dan considers the different positions he could have Phil before suggesting, "I don't want your head to hurt. Was it comfortable on your front? Or would it feel better on your back?" Dan can do what he wants in just about any position, he's very flexible. It might be easier to have Phil's ass in the air, but it's about Phil's comfort. Maybe all the blood rushing to his head won't feel good. "I reckon you'll be comfortable on your back, yeah?" Dan: always the pragmatist. He pushes Phil's hip until he's on his back and follows close behind to kneel between his legs. He might not be able to get hard again so quickly, but he's definitely feeling affected by Phil. "You're so beautiful," Dan leans over to press a playful kiss to Phil's stomach as he works off the last bit of his and Phil's clothes. He has Phil's legs up around Dan's waist in no time, just really liking having Phil in this position. He hesitates reaching for their bottle of lube, first just taking some time to kiss Phil and grope every inch of his body as Dan sees fit. Dan is not shy here. He knows just what makes Phil smile and what brings out those precious sounds Dan adores.   
15:05  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil has to laugh when Dan sort of pushes him into place. “This will do just fine.” He chuckles, adjusting himself as needed while Dan works him out of his bottoms and leaves the both of them fully undressed. Phil’s headache is the last thing on his mind. There’s still a dull pain, but it’s easy to ignore considering everything else that’s happening. Phil wasn’t sure if anything would hurt him or make it worse right now. Surely Dan could hang him upside down from the ceiling and it would make no difference. But, on his back with a pillow beneath his head and his legs wrapped loosely around Dan’s hips was perfect. And Dan wasted no time getting to work, hands and lips wandering in a way that felt so familiar, and so lovely. Phil lets out soft sighs and gentle sounds at the feeling. Dan knows exactly what he’s doing. And Phil lets him do it, let’s Dan take all the time in the world.  
15:57  
May 🌈  
Phil seems actually relaxed about now, which is very good, but also quite rare for Phil. He constantly worries, so to feel his muscles so relaxed and to see him so calm and happy is very beautiful to Dan. He feels proud to be able to help Phil feel this way. Dan rests a hand on Phil's chest to feel his heart beat at a much more steady pace than usual. It's strong as ever, just steadier. Dan sighs gently in contentment against Phil's mouth. Everything about this is right. Sooner rather than later, Dan's hips move against Phil's in time with their kiss. It's somehow better now than when they were horny teenagers. Back then, this made Dan feel on top of the world. When Dan's hand finds its way to Phil's hip once more, he reminds Phil, "Still good? Stop me if your head gets worse." Considering how confidently and easily Phil took care of Dan just a few minutes ago, Dan doubts his headache will start giving him a hard time now, but he always takes great care with Phil's well-being. Once Dan has Phil's confirmation, he grabs a small bottle of what he recently found out is scented, but not particularly flavored lube. He'll still eat Phil's ass with it like no tomorrow, but it doesn't taste as it should. He smells it with a smile before pouring some onto his fingers. "False advertising. Fuck that online shop," Dan reminds Phil with a chuckle, "It smells so good, oh my God." He gives Phil a chance to smell it, too, as he rubs it around his fingers.   
16:09  
Charlie 🎄  
“Mm, I’m good.” Phil says softly, his hands resting at Dan’s sides, and squeezing gently as Dan moves to get the lube again. It was something new for them, something Dan had bought online. And it did smell lovely, but Phil knew that for certain activities, Dan did like something flavoured. Next time, Phil supposed. They’d be mire careful to read the descriptions, or their regular favourite would be back in stock. For now, Phil’s not sure he cares what fancy brand of lube they’re using. It all does essentially the same thing, and part of him is eager to get started. It’s been some time since he’s bottomed, and it’s always a little exciting to switch things up a bit. “It does smell nice.” He chuckled. “And I guess that’s a good thing considering where you’re about to put it.” He laughed, leaning up to press a kiss against Dan’s shoulder with a smile. He adjusted his hips a little, getting comfortable, and giving Dan a little nod to assure him that he was ready, and it was okay to go on.  
16:54  
May 🌈  
Dan scoffs in faux offense, "I'll have you know I am a complete pervert and I love how you smell. Always." It's a joke, but it's completely true. Dan isn't particularly squeamish to begin with, but to Dan, it isn't about that. This is Phil, the love of Dan's life, Dan's soulmate. Dan loves all of Phil. He adores Phil's body. He kisses Phil again as his lubed hand finds that soft place between Phil's legs, his fingertip gently massaging his hole. He loves Phil's excitement and his eagerness. Dan loves feeling like Phil wants him. He never feels deprived of that, but he still appreciates it immensely. "I love everything about you, Phil," Dan adds honestly between kisses. "I love your ass. And your dick. And your mouth. I love you." He's careful to insert his index finger slowly. It's always strangest accommodating for the first finger, but it just gets better after that. He moves his finger in and out slowly, letting it curve to fit Phil's ass. Right now, it's just about comfort. It isn't long before he adds a second, kissing down around Phil's jawline so he can hear Phil's noises properly without obstructing them with his mouth.   
17:04  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil laughs again. Dan always manages to make these moments so silly, and Phil loves that. He loves being able to laugh at each other. Though his amused chuckles are soon silenced by Dan’s kiss, and then replaced by the soft sound of very mild discomfort that escapes him when Dan pushes that first finger in. The first is always the worst. Not because it’s bad, or painful, or anything like that. It’s just odd. One finger just feels a bit clinical, Phil thinks. Like he’s at the doctor. Except in this case, the doctor is quietly talking dirty in his ear. It’s not enough to truly be pleasurable, but it’s a necessary first step and so Phil doesn’t complain. Once Dan adds the second finger though, that initial awkwardness starts to fade. It’s a bit more of a stretch, not too much, just enough, really. And Phil lets out a quiet moan against Dan’s skin, his eyes fluttering closed so that he can focus on the sensation.  
17:21  
May 🌈  
Dan keeps pressure on Phil's cock with his own as his fingers take their time filling Phil's ass, hoping to add some good to the initial breach. Once Dan has big long fingers in Phil, he gets more bold with his movements. The ends of his fingers curl up a tad, looking to put a bit more intentional pressure on Phil's spot. Dan kisses down to Phil's chest, occasionally glancing up to see Phil's face. He's too beautiful for words. Phil puts butterflies in his chest just by looking at him. Dan can't do much with his hands, as one is supporting his weight and the other is occupied, so he uses his mouth. He nibbles a bit on Phil's collarbone with a chuckle just to get a rise out of him. When he moves onto one of Phil's nipples, he means business. He's gentle, of course, because Phil is sensitive here and Dan doesn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. He mouths around the area just enough to hopefully make Phil feel it. Dan hums quietly, just enough so Phil can feel the small vibrations from that. "Love you," Dan mutters with a smile. He has a lifetime to tell Phil he loves him, and he knows it won't be enough.   
17:30  
Charlie 🎄  
Dan has always been good at multitasking. And in moments like these, when Dan’s multitasking results in feel feeling three different sorts of pleasure at once, it may be one of Phil’s favourite things about him. It’s all a bit too much, and at the same time, it’s not nearly enough. Dan’s got such big hands, and feeling the curl of Dan’s two fingers inside him makes him tremble in the best possible way. His mouth is warm and wet against a sensitive nipple, and it brings goosebumps. Their hips are pressed firmly together, giving a slight pressure, and not nearly enough friction. And Phil’s hands only know Dan’s skin. He can’t keep his hands off. “God, Dan. I love you.” Phil breathes, hips squirming just slightly. It didn’t matter how many times they did this. Phil could never get bored. He would never tire of spending this kind of time with Dan. Somehow it was always just as good, just as exciting, as every time previous.  
20:51  
May 🌈  
Dan can hardly help but smile when he sees and hears and feels Phil feel all those good things. Dan's cheeks won't stop blushing for quite a while, he's sure of it. Phil's hands certainly aren't helping that. Dan starts more properly grinding against Phil when he makes it obvious he wants more. Dan's still a bit sensitive, so he's slow to warm up, which is good, because he can't be ready to come too much sooner than Phil right now. He uses mostly his hip and upper thigh to get Phil off, rather than his own cock. For now. Dan loves seeing their bodies together like this. He isn't entirely confident of himself, but with Phil, he feels beautiful. They're beautiful together. This is Dan's favorite thing, and he's part of that. He loves himself for being part of this. Dan makes his way back up Phil's neck as he stretches his fingers just enough to accommodate a third. As cold as Phil always seems externally, he's quite warm on the inside. The difference in temperature is actually sort of relieving, it's good to know Phil is at least getting his body heat from somewhere. But obviously, otherwise, it's a very sexy feeling. Phil's skin is soft all over, but he's even softer here, delicate even, and it's an amazing feeling. Dan doesn't rush it, but he's eager to be inside Phil. Beyond the obvious sex appeal, it's a comforting place to be. "Do you feel good?" Dan checks when Phil is fully seated on most of Dan's fingers. "Tell me, baby."  
22:29  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods at Dan’s question, his hands coming to rest against Dan’s ribcage while his hips moved gently of their own accord. It’s like his body couldn’t tell what it wanted more of. More of Dan’s fingers, or more of his grinding. He wanted more of both, always more. Surely it would never be enough. Dan was so good at this. “Feels fucking amazing.” Phil breathed, blunt fingernails digging into warm skin. God, Dan was so gorgeous like this. He was gorgeous always, and Phil had no idea how Dan could possibly, ever be insecure about anything. He was the most stunning man in the world, in Phil’s eyes. He was perfect, in every way. And Phil was really getting so eager to have Dan inside him. It had been too long, and he missed the feeling. But surely Dan must still be a bit sensitive, and Phil’s patience, his care for Dan’s comfort would always take top priority. So he would wait. He would let Dan move at his own pace. Even if Phil’s body might be crying for something more. “Touch me?” He asked, with a breathy moan. Maybe that would help, give Phil a little extra while Dan continued to cool down.  
23:24  
May 🌈  
Phil's fingers and words sent a lovely shiver up Dan's spine and straight to his dick. Dan can't quite use both hands at this angle without sacrificing his ability to wank Phil, so he kisses Phil once more before sitting back on his heals to get a better angle. As his fingers continue pistoning into Phil's ass, Dan leans forward to kiss around Phil's hips, giving Phil plenty of indication where this is going. With his hand now free, Dan tenderly and curiously touches Phil's length. It isn't quite a wank, more of soft attention. Dan can feel himself getting hard again, fucking finally. His patience for these kinds of things is extremely limited. Dan is sure Phil would like a tad more, so he cautiously works his pinkie finger into Phil as he leans down to take the tip of Phil's cock into his mouth. It feels amazing: warm, thick, hard. Something primal in Dan feels this intimately. Dan rests a hand on Phil's hip to keep him still out of habit, not that he feels particularly sensitive about that just now. Dan is on top now, he's in control. It's different when he's on the floor beneath Phil or in some strange position in bed. Dan doesn't feel insecure here. He's on top of the world: on top of his world, as it were.   
23:33  
Charlie 🎄  
Something that took a long time for both of them to learn, and get used to, was this dance for control. They both liked to be in charge, in a way. Top or bottom, position, none of that really had any effect on it. It was just this weird, subconscious thing where one of them was always leading. It was never a discussion, or something they decided on beforehand. It just seemed to happen naturally. One of them would fall into a place of control, they were the one leading, making each next move, pushing things forward. While the other followed. It was a delicate thing to maintain. Because on the odd occasion that they both fell into that slightly more dominant mindset, or both went more laid back, things tended not to go as well. But today, Dan was at the lead. And Phil was more than happy to fall into the rhythm Dan had set. Dan had him stretched wide now, fingers and lips and hands and tongue all working to make him feel good in different ways, and Phil couldn’t help but throw his head back against the pillow with a groan.  
26 October 2019  
08:34  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't know how Phil is able to last so long, he truly doesn't. That's just how Phil is, he supposes. Dan envies it, though it's probably for the best he can't: if he could have Phil as long as he wanted without break, he certainly would not be taking any breaks at all. Dan doesn't have the kind of self-control Phil does in that way. It doesn't take all that much of fingering and sucking off Phil for Dan to get fully hard again, especially with Phil's moans filling the air. Dan pulls off of Phil's cock with a few kisses to the side and his v-line, "Ready for me, Beautiful?" Dan watches Phil squirm like he just can't sit still, he loves that. He did that. Dan is making this gorgeous, lovely man overwhelmed with good feelings. His body reacts naturally to Dan and Dan loves seeing that part of Phil. Dan smirks and leans forward to kiss Phil's neck to be closer to him for a moment. Dan's fingers slow their movement in Phil's body. His free hand pushes Phil's fringe back out of his face so Dan can kiss his forehead, then cheek, then jawline.  
09:17  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil’s breath comes in short gasps, and he laughs breathlessly when Dan shows down a little. “God, yes.” He says, his hands coming to rest against Dan’s cheeks, and kissing him a bit more properly. He’s more than ready to move this forward if Dan is. And Phil can feel Dan against his thigh, he’s hard again already. Phil doesn’t know where his body finds the energy to snap back so quickly. Sex always makes Phil so sleepy, and he often needs a little nap afterwards just to be able to go about the rest of his day. That had never seemed to be a problem for Dan whatsoever. “Want you to fuck me.” He breathed against Dan’s lips when they parted, nipping at his lower lip just slightly. “Want to feel you. Want you.” He added. He was feeling a bit incoherent at the moment, and for good reason. But surely Dan was getting the message,  
09:32  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs lightly with Phil, overjoyed. Dan slowly pulls his fingers out as he and Phil kiss passionately. The kiss ends and Phil starts begging while Dan fumbles to get another squirt of lube for his cock. Dan smiles, feeling really thrilled by Phil's words. "You're adorable," Dan comments with another kiss to Phil's lips, "I'm all yours." Dan first pulls Phil's legs up further, much closer to Dan's shoulders than his hips. Yeah, sure, it helps with the angle, but Dan also knows this is going to make Phil feel really, really good, all folded up and taking Dan from here. Dan is more flexible, he can easily press his thighs to his chest, but Phil isn't, so Dan won't dare push harder than what will make Phil comfortable. Dan presses his tip against Phil gently at first so Phil can get accustomed to the feeling. Dan is fully hard now, he can hardly wait. One hand on his cock, he uses his other to hold Phil's hand against the pillow. Dan always likes to hold Phil's hand in bed, especially when they're doing something a bit intense. He buries his face in Phil's neck as he pushes in, little moans coming out as he feels Phil's body envelop him. Surely, there's nothing better than this. "Oh, Phil, love," Dan moans deeply, his eyes screwed shut.  
09:37  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil lets Dan get adjusted, let’s him move Phil’s limbs into whichever position he wants them. And it doesn’t take long before Dan is pressing into him, and Phil takes a moment to collect himself. It always takes a moment to get used to, especially when it’s been a while. But it’s a feeling like no other. This is genuinely as close as they can possibly get to each other. Their bodies fully connected. And Phil loves it. Dan’s not wearing a condom, that step seemed to have slipped both their minds, but it doesn’t matter. Phil doesn’t care, and if he’s honest, he sort of prefers it this way. “Shit, Dan.” He breathes, his arms wrapping around Dan’s body and holding him close for a moment while he adjusts. But it’s only a moment. “I’m good. You can move.” He whispers, knowing Dan won’t go without Phil’s okay.  
09:47  
May 🌈  
Dan is always looking to Phil for direction. Even at his most confident and composed, he is always looking to his partner. Phil is older and more mentally healthy and more confident, so Dan trusts that Phil is looking out for them. Times like these, though, little details like condoms slip both their minds. It's Dan's dick, he should be more conscious of what he's doing with it, but he's really just too caught up in the moment to think clearly. That unconscious part of him that is paying some attention just trusts that Phil will look out for things like that. It isn't a foolproof system, obviously, but this kind of overlook is relatively new for them. Dan never would have forgotten when they'd first met or before they were tested. The condom situation is far from Dan's mind now as he kisses Phil and starts slowly, rhythmically moving his hips against Phil's. It isn't quite a thrust just yet, more gentle movements as they both adjust. One thing Dan would never, ever risk is hurting Phil. That just isn't acceptable. Dan and Phil moan together and the sound is like music to Dan. "Baby, honey, oh my God," Dan breathes between kisses. Once he starts moving into Phil with more strength, he takes a hold of Phil's cock to keep him up where Dan's at. Everything feels right.   
09:54  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil feels Dan’s hesitation, a brief moment of pause, and he knows Dan has realized the lapse in planning. They almost always use condoms. Early on it was for safety, but nowadays, it’s more of a convenience than anything else. They’re both clean, and neither of them have other partners. So they don’t worry about things like that. But still, they use conforms mostly for the convenient clean up. Phil knows that Dan in particular hates the feeling that comes shortly after they’ve finished, the dripping, the stickiness. But it doesn’t bother Phil as much. So really, forgetting this one time isn’t the end of the world. And they both move on quickly, as Dan’s tiny, grinding little movements pick up their pace. “Harder.” He says, his voice stilted between moans and heavy breaths. Phil can take it. He can handle it a little rougher. And he thinks that’s just what he needs to catch him up to Dan.  
10:05  
May 🌈  
Instead of following Phil's instruction, Dan has exactly one coherent thought and pauses, "Shit. Fuck. Sorry. Fucking-" He grabs a condom from the small pile he left on the edge of the bed and tears it open quickly, "Sorry. I'm stupid." He kisses Phil's cheek before pulling out to quickly pull the condom on, feeling too guilty without it to continue. "Sorry," Dan repeats one last time before shifting back into a more sexy tone, "Love you." That's the part of sex that isn't what it is in the movies: messy, silly, distracted… That's alright, though, Dan and Phil are more than used to each other's little quirks. Dan works his way into Phil's body once more, much more easily this time. And Phil's body feels just as nice. Dan shifts into more firm thrusts after a short period of adjustment for both of them. He takes hold of Phil's length once more and wanks him in time with his thrusts, filling Phil up with all he can.  
10:11  
Charlie 🎄  
For just a moment, Phil is worried. Dan has stopped, he’s pulled out, and Phil wonders if something is wrong. But when his hazy mind catches up, he realizes what Dan’s doing, and he relaxes again. Phil wouldn’t have minded continuing without one. But it makes Dan more comfortable to have one and that’s all Phil really cares about. He’s not about to question Dan’s judgement here. So he lets Dan get fixed up, and easily takes him back in, his head rolling back against the pillow as Dan’s thrusts become harder, and stronger. His hand on Phil’s cock adds a whole other layer of sensation, and Phil moans out at a volume he’s sure their neighbours can hear.  
15:50  
May 🌈  
Dan is certainly not against making love with Phil without protection, but only if they've talked it through first. Dan doesn't think particularly clearly in bed, so it makes him feel better to follow at least this rule of thumb: no surprises. He feels much better once that's situated. Now, he can really focus on Phil, and it's all the better for it. Dan nudges Phil's legs up further once more and turns his hips up a tad, trying to get Phil's spot again, this time with his cock. This new angle sends electricity up Dan's spine. He moans in surprise at just how amazing this all feels, his grip on Phil's length tightening accidentally. It's always amazing, but somehow always better than Dan remembers it being. He kisses Phil until they're both too strung out from what's happening below the belt to put much effort into kissing. Dan moans Phil's name between a string of "I love you"s, totally caught up in this. Right now, Phil is all that matters in the whole world without exception.   
15:58  
Charlie 🎄  
Maybe Dan was right about the whole “sex as a painkiller” thing. Maybe there’s some validity to that. Because right now, in this moment, Phil’s headache is gone. So far gone he’s almost forgotten than he had one to begin with. His muscles are beginning to tense up again, and for an entirely different reason this time. Dan’s got the angle /just/ right, he’s hitting Phil’s spot dead on, over and over again, and it’s pulling him closer and closer to that edge. There’s a strain in his legs because of the way they’re positioned, but Phil so genuinely couldn’t care less. This was amazing. Dan was amazing. And it was only a couple more short minutes of this before Phil found his toes curling, a tight feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he gasped out a short warning. “Close. Bear, close. Close.”  
16:06  
May 🌈  
Dan knows Phil's body like the back of his hand. He can feel him tensing up again, which only works to push them both closer to that edge. When Phil uses that sweet, old nickname like that: without trying, without thinking, like it's as natural as Dan's actual name, Dan could actually cry. He kisses Phil's shoulder and neck where his face just so happens to be, "Yeah, come for me, love. Come on." He's right there with Phil, very ready to follow him over that edge. He continues with strong thrusts, struggling to do so with his own pleasure taking over. Every part of this pushes Dan closer: Phil's voice, his warmth, his soft skin, his tight grip, his fingernails in Dan's skin, his breath, all of it. Dan opens his eyes just in time to see Phil's face in this moment, beautiful as Dan's ever seen it. It's like looking at sunshine. No classic sunsets or wide open flower fields could possibly compare to the way Phil looks to Dan now. Dan comes with Phil's name on his tongue, still working to keep Phil with him. Dan adores when they come at the same time. What could be more special than sharing this?  
16:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Moments like this are rare. It’s another thing about real life sex that romance novels and romcoms don’t teach you. So rarely do you ever actually come at the same time. So on the rare occasion that it does happen, when the timing is just right, there’s something just magical about it. About sharing such an intense and intimate moment with someone else, someone you love, someone you have every intention to spend every day of the rest of your life with. And when it’s over, when the fog in Phil’s head starts to clear, he lets out a few ragged breaths and holds Dan impossibly close. It’s quiet, now. Just their breathing and the blood pumping in Phil’s ears. It’s perfect.  
17:48  
May 🌈  
Dan gives them both time to come down from this one. Everything is sensitive all of a sudden, so the last thing either of them needs are any sudden, jolting movements. Dan stays fully inside Phil, his body still as he rests his weight on top of his beautiful, lovely, perfect boyfriend. That word doesn't seem to cut it anymore, 'boyfriend,' Dan thinks randomly as his breathing evens out against Phil's neck. Eventually, Dan's fingertips touch Phil's bare sides very tenderly, not wanting to overwhelm him in any way, but wanting very much to show him that Dan is here and he loves Phil with everything he has. "You're perfect," Dan whispers with a kiss to Phil's collarbone, "perfect." He can't shake a small smile on his face, even as their bodies both occasionally twitch or throb with sensitivity. It's all perfect. Dan feels a kind of whole he rarely feels. Dan rests his cheek against Phil's chest and listens to his heartbeat, everything about this is right. Dan waits until their bodies are both still before asking, "Ready?" At least to Dan, it can sometimes be very jarring to suddenly lose that certain pressure afterwards. He always gives Phil plenty of warning before disconnecting from him in this way.   
17:55  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods, still feeling a bit fuzzy, and lets out a small sound when Dan pulls out. It’s almost more uncomfortable than the initial push, because it leaves him feeling like something is missing. But it’s not that bad, and he’s over it in a moment, turning over so they’re both laying on their sides. Phil curls into Dan, fingertips brushing across the indentations in his back left by Phil’s gripping fingernails. Surely that can’t feel good. And so Phil’s hands soothe over the irritated skin for a few moments, still just soaking in the quiet, heavy atmosphere that surrounds them. This was incredible. After ten years, you would think things might start to get stale. You’d run out of new things to try, you’d get bored. But that just wasn’t the case for them. Sex with Dan was familiar, certainly. Comfortable. But never boring.  
21:40  
May 🌈  
"Sorry," Dan mutters as he quickly pulls his condom off and drops it in the small bin beside their bed. He grabs a towel off the nightstand they leave there for just this purpose. He quickly wipes lube off Phil's ass, then come off their tummies before throwing the towel to the laundry hamper across the room. Once dry, he pulls Phil closely so they don't feel so empty for too long. Dan kisses his forehead and pulls their covers over them so Phil doesn't get cold, naked and raw. Dan slowly, gently runs his fingers through Phil's hair, then rubs his neck soothingly. All of this feels so very good, better than words. This is what Dan lives fo: to share moments like these with the love of his life, "Thank you. I love you, Phil." Dan lets out a little noise when Phil touches a sensitive place on his back he assumes is from Phil's fingernails. "Mm, that feels nice," Dan finally mumbles in response to Phil's hand on his back. He likes any marks Phil manages to give Dan, it's a reminder of lovely things. Dan closes his eyes, but he doubts he'll sleep anytime soon. He suggests preemptively, "Do you want to have a nap? I'll get some water first."   
22:49  
May 🌈  
[Also pg&e turned the power off again fml so if I'm on and off That's why 😭]  
27 October 2019  
01:53  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil moves beneath the covers, finding that Dan has changed the sheets. Everything is soft and fresh and lovely, and he’s wrapped up here with his favourite person in the world while his body settles and readjusts to it’s normal state of function. And it’s nice. It’s wonderful, actually. And like always, in these cloudy moments immediately after, Phil hears Dan thank him. What a strange man. Maybe someday Phil will understand why he does it. But today’s not the day. “I love you too.” He whispers, one hand slowly moving from Dan’s shoulder, to the very base of his neck again, and then carefully, carefully, up the front of his throat, fingertips trailing just below his jawline, just to feel Dan’s heartbeat in his fingertips. He moves his hand away after a brief moment though, replacing it just once with a tiny kiss, and then fully settling into the bed. “Mm. Just for a little.” He agrees at Dan’s suggestion of a nap. Phil’s already slept half the day away, but he just needs a little boost to get him going, especially after all that.  
11:13  
May 🌈  
Dan watches Phil as he touches Dan's neck again. It's different now that Dan is feeling sensitive and raw. It isn't so comfortable, it isn't really what Dan wants to emotionally deal with right now, but he does. For Phil. He breathes carefully, holding very still until Phil is finished. And everything's okay, no big deal. The kiss makes everything better again, so Dan lets the moment pass as quickly as it came. Dan is really hesitant to leave now, even to quickly get a glass of water for them to share. He'll bring some when Phil wakes up, after they've had some time to recover. Right now, Dan needs Phil right here in his arms. He cozies up a tad closer and kisses Phil's forehead lingeringly, "Sweet dreams, my love." He rubs Phil's back lightly until he falls asleep. Dan tries, certainly, but he sleeps too well at night to be tired during the day. Dan will sleep deeply tonight, like he does every night these days, and wake up refreshed and energized. For now, he's more than happy to relax here with his sleeping partner.   
11:21  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil feels the way Dan tenses under his touch, and it’s most of the reason he pulls back as quickly as he does. He knows that’s still something so touchy for Dan. And Phil doesn’t do that often. He just likes making Dan feel safe. And the very gentle exposure to being touched like that has helped in the past. But in a moment like this, when everything feels a bit more intense, he can’t help but feel a bit sad for Dan. For ten years now, Phil had touched him gently, with nothing but love as a motivator, and still Dan tensed as if he was waiting for Phil to hurt him. He couldn’t imagine how badly he must have been hurt in the past for it to still be such a fear. But Phil put it out of his mind for the time being. He was so sleepy, and Dan was so warm, and Phil falls asleep without even making much of an effort to. He doesn’t sleep long. Maybe close to an hour before he begins to stir again, happy to feel Dan’s arms around him still.  
11:43  
May 🌈  
Dan isn't always okay alone with his thoughts for so long. Or, maybe that was before Dan's new medicine. While he listens to Phil sleep, he makes a to-do list in his head of all the things he always puts off. Dan's excited that he might actually be able to do these things, like finally getting around to putting up a curtain around that window in the toilet so they can open the window without fear of neighbors seeing them in their pants. Dan wants to change the oil in their car, since it's been making a strange sound lately. He needs to call his mum. He's put that off long enough. She's going through something with Dan's father. Dan was too overwhelmed by his own issues to see that before, but he does now. It's a pattern: each time he threatens to leave, she does something big to convince him to stay. The first time he hit her when Dan was young and Adrian was an infant, they went to France. The second time, when Dan was a teenager, Morocco. Thinking back, Karen was just too nice on the phone. She was trying too hard, it wasn't real. Dan can only imagine what's going on without Dan or Adrian around to hold the man accountable. Dan hasn't been there for his mum. And sure, she hasn't exactly been there for Dan, but Dan can't let that get to him anymore. He's a grown man with a family of his own. Maybe he can't save his mum from her poor choices, but he can make the effort to support her. Dan comes right back out of that rabbit hole when Phil wakes. Dan plays with his hair gently, "Good morning, Sunshine." Dan got out of that horrible place, and he's happier now than he ever thought he could be. Because of Phil, really. "Any good dreams?"   
11:51  
Charlie 🎄  
“It’s the middle of the afternoon.” Phil chuckles, stretching out a little before curling up to Dan again. He’s not completely awake, but he’s getting there. He listens to Dan’s heartbeat in his chest for a moment, strong and steady, and it makes him smile. “I had a dream we were at the market.” He smiled softly. “We we’re trying to buy veggies, but the man kept trying to sell us toads instead.” Phil chuckled. It was complete nonsense, as many of his dreams were. Phil had never really understood the idea of dreams having these secret hidden meanings. The majority of the time, Phil was sure his dreams meant nothing at all, and existed only to confuse him. Or at their worst, they existed to freak him out. But Phil didn’t have a lot of truly scary dreams. He only really had nightmares when he was stressed, and they were never really that bad.  
13:02  
May 🌈  
Phil is absolutely precious. Feeling Phil's face gently pressed against Dan's chest is like what holding kittens is for most people. A huge, instinctual, protective nature, an undying fondness, a love that fills Dan's chest and threatens to boil over. Phil is so gentle with Dan, so sweet and loving and good to Dan. It's more than luck, surely. "Toads?" Dan smiles, clearly intrigued. "I don't reckon you're hungry?" He bushes Phil's stubborn fringe back again. He supposes after ten years of being emo, it'll take the fringe a little more time to get used to being quiffed back. "What do you think? Chinese takeout? Or I can cook something." After all that, Dan still doesn't feel tired, not even close. He thinks there's plenty of time to have a good, long, productive day after all that. The last couple of days have felt so very long and good, Dan feels really proud of himself. He didn't know he could be this person, but he can. He can be happy and fulfilled and things can be easy.  
13:03  
*takeaway (the American jumped out sorry lmfao)  
13:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, loving the feeling of Dan’s fingers in his hair. “Mm, whatever you’d like, love.” He smiles, still feeling a bit sluggish, still waking up a little. He’ll never have Dan’s energy, he’s sure of it. Whatever is in these new pills is unlike anything Phil’s seen before. Dan just doesn’t get tired. It’s a little crazy. “I’ll eat anything. I’m starving.” He smiles. He’d certainly worked up an appetite. And with his migraine now fully gone, he can tend to his body’s other needs, like food, and water. That’s about all Phil’s going to accomplish today, it seems. He’s really done nothing today except for sleep, and have sex. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe everyone needs a day like that sometimes. It had been a difficult week, and now that things with Dan were improving, he could take a day to just relax and let himself get back to normal as well. Then they could really get back to their regular routine. Phil would film a video, they’d set up their little fish tank, Dan would... well, probably not go to France. Phil had sort of forgotten about that. But maybe Dan would change his mind now that he was feeling better. Maybe not. Regardless, Phil was just glad things were settling down again.  
13:45  
May 🌈  
"I'll make something quick," Dan promises with a light kiss to Phil's lips. There's no need to wait for takeaway when Dan can fix something they already have. He's more than happy to do it. He likes that he can do things like this for Phil now, he wants to take care of his partner, too. It doesn't feel good to lie in bed days on end and be babied. Dan wants this to be a partnership. "Can I bring you breakfast in bed? Lunch in bed?" Dan is more than happy to do so, but he doesn't think Phil will want to lie in bed alone if he can help it. Today has been out of the ordinary for Phil, he usually prefers to at least rest on the couch unless it's bedtime. Which reminds Dan: he asks cheekily, "How's your head?" He puts on a faux-cocky smirk, trying to make Phil laugh. Dan will never be that Lad™ who thinks his cock is God's gift to mankind and they both know that. Dan truly just hopes Phil isn't in pain anymore. He hates seeing Phil that way, it makes him feel helpless. Worse than helpless when he snores Phil out of bed in the night. Phil's appetite is a good indication that he'll feel better soon if he doesn't already.   
13:53  
Charlie 🎄  
“I haven’t had any complaints yet.” Phil winks, sitting up and stretching out, taking note of the new aches and pains he’s got, though they exist for a different, much more pleasant reason. “Seriously though, I feel fine.” He assured, smiling softly down at Dan, before slipping out of bed in search of some clothes to put on. “As nice as lunch in bed sounds, I’d kind of like to get out of bed for a while.” He chuckles. He’s been in bed far too long. It’s time to get up, even if he just moves his lazy ass from the bed to the couch. At least it’s a change of scenery. So, he pulls on a clean pair of underwear, and some fresh PJ’s, before sitting down at the edge of the bed again. “How should we spend our evening, then?” He asks, smiling softly. It seemed like Dan was running out of chores to do. But surely they could find some way to spend their time.  
14:26  
May 🌈  
Dan snorts out a laugh and shakes his head, "Good, I'm so glad, really." He rubs Phil's broad back when he sits up and watches him walk about the room, looking for clothes. Dan thinks about how beautiful Phil is, looking over every piece of him as he dresses. He's still lanky, but in a much different way than he was when they were young. His muscles aren't particularly large, but they're defined. Phil's shoulders and hips finally grew to suit his height, so he's more balanced all around. He's a fully a man now, and God, he is gorgeous. Dan isn't exactly getting a semi, but he's truly caught up in Phil. He sits up to watch Phil around the corner as he digs through their wardrobe, then returns back to bed. Dan holds Phil's hand, "Hm… We can put on a film? Pick out something fun." Dan really is not in the mood for anything heavy or emotional. He wonders if he'll ever be in that kind of mood again. He could do any number of chores, but he wants Phil to rest so he doesn't overwhelm himself too quickly and bring on another migraine. "Unless you're fully done relaxing?"   
14:31  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles. And leans gently against Dan’s side. “Well, what would you like to do if I am fully done?” He asks. Phil wouldn’t mind an easy night in, watching films on the sofa, but he wants to hear all of Dan’s ideas. He’s beyond glad that Dan is starting to feel so much better, and starting to have all this energy, and Phil wants to keep up. He wants to match Dan’s pace, because he hates the thought of slowing Dan down when he’s feeling so energetic. Phil’s has his day of rest. He’s had his day to lay around and do nothing and be lazy. Now he wants to know what Dan wants to do.  
14:58  
May 🌈  
Dan thinks of something easy first, he doesn't want to bring up too much too soon if he actually isn't feeling completely himself. He warns Phil, "I've got a proper to-do list. All up here." He taps his temple with his finger jokingly, "Like a real adult. I reckon those plants should be on the doorstep by now. I'll at least put them in some water unless you feel like planting them in the tank. I should check the time, but I ought to have a look at the car, it's still making that noise. I don't think it's the brakes. Let's see… I should sweep. Put up that curtain rod I bought for the bathroom last year. And I have some video ideas." Dan chuckles at himself. "And go grocery shopping tomorrow. And…. Well, I need to call my mum. I still haven't. I'm worried about her." Dan rubs his thumb over Phil's knuckles as he talks. "But that can all wait. Really. It'll still be there tomorrow. There's no rush."   
15:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is a bit taken aback by Dan’s extensive list of things he wants to get done. How is he still finding things to do? But the most pressing, the most surprising, is what he says about his mum. Just days ago, Dan wanted nothing to do with her. Was he just feeling guilty, maybe? “What’s going on with your mum?” Phil asks, his eyebrows furrowing together. It was odd for Dan to worry about his family. Typically he didn’t really concern himself too much with them. Though it must be the new meds, and all this new energy. Maybe it had him feeling differently. Regardless, that was probably the thing on Dan’s to do list that was most concerning to Phil. The car, and the curtain rod, and whatever else, could wait. But if Dan was worried about his mum, maybe it was best to just call and check in.  
15:57  
May 🌈  
Dan hesitates to answer. Phil's just woken up, Dan doesn't want to upset him with the details of his mother's shitty relationship. He decides on, "I haven't talked to her since we argued over the phone. I…" Maybe he isn't so decided, "I just think something else is going on. Maybe the France trip is because I came out, but I think even if it is, it's something to do with my father. He doesn't treat her right. One of the reasons I waited so long to come out is I was worried about how angry he'd be. But I'm not there for him to take it out on. She is." Dan shrugs, "I don't know. Really. I just… I want to check on her. I don't want her to feel alone." He doesn't know how to explain to Phil why he's thinking so differently about this now. "I don't know. I feel like I can do that. It doesn't seem so… scary." Dan doesn't feel like he'll let her get to him. Maybe he's ready to open himself up again. Talking with Phil the other day and really making Phil understand his experiences, then for Phil to say Dan deserves love… Dan doesn't expect that acceptance from his mother, but he sees that maybe it isn't so scary to open up. Dan is stronger now for it. Phil will be here to understand if things go downhill. Dan is already deeply loved for all he is, he isn't afraid to lose his mother's love.  
16:06  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil frowns a little, and gives Dan’s hand a soft squeeze. He doesn’t know much about Dan’s family, and its dynamics. He knows Dan doesn’t get along with his parents. He knows that they were kind of absent in the early years of his life. And he knows that they didn’t love Dan the way they should have. But aside from that, Phil is in the dark in most things. But still, he hates the idea that Dan’s mum may be in any sort of danger. “You should call her.” He agrees, pressing a kiss against Dan’s bare shoulder. “If you feel like something’s wrong, you should call. Just to be safe.” He adds. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe Dan’s wrong. But Phil has always believed in trusting your gut, and Dan knows his family better than anyone else. Phil would hate to think that there was something bad going on. Nobody deserved that. And Phil knew that Dan May want to have that conversation alone. He probably didn’t want Phil to be in the room, listening. But Phil would be close by. He wouldn’t eavesdrop. He’d just make sure he was here if Dan needed him.  
16:39  
May 🌈  
Dan pecks Phil's cheek, "Let's go cook something. I can multitask." He stands, quickly pulls on some sweats and a t-shirt, and heads out to the kitchen with Phil. He finds his phone lying around and checks his messages for anything from his mother. Just one interesting message from Adrian from two hours ago: 'watch out, mum and dad are going at it again.' Dan responds with the usual 'what' before ringing his mother. Dan waits patiently for her to answer as he pulls ingredients out of the fridge to cook something with. "The number you have dialed…" If Dan wasn't worried before, he is now. His mother answers his texts and calls religiously. She keeps her phone on the loudest volume all the time and will leave any event or social situation at any point in time to answer a call from Dan or Adrian. Dan hangs up the phone before the recording can finish. He literally cannot think of a time his mother hasn't answered his call. Dan texts her, "Hi, can we talk?" He waits all of two minutes before calling again. Maybe the line just didn't go through or something. The worry is clear on Dan's face. "Mum?" He asks after a strange moment of silence, the ringing stopped.

"Daniel, honey, this isn't a very good time. Are you okay?" Karen's voice doesn't sound like her own. She sounds like she's obviously crying or been shouting or something out of the ordinary.

Dan isn't sure how to respond to that, "Are /you/ okay? What's going on?" She doesn't respond straight away. "Mum?"

"Sweetheart, it's nothing. What are you on about? It's nothing." 

Dan doesn't like that at all. He asks impulsively, "Mum, can I come over? Can I see you?"

"What?" Silence. "Right now? I… Are you okay?"

"Yeah, no, right now. Actually. Are you busy?" Dan doesn't think what's come over him, he just knows something is off. "Mum, are you alone?"

"You're not busy?" Karen asks quietly, clearly torn between wanting to see her son and not wanting him involved in whatever's going on. Dan understands that intimately.

"I'm worried about you, Mum. I want to see you. Now. I love you," Dan explains honestly. Then Dan's mum starts crying over the phone and apologizing and Dan doesn't know how this all happened so quickly. For once, Dan doesn't look to Phil for some kind of support, he's okay on his own.  
16:46  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil isn’t sure how to react, so he tries not to. Dan is stood against the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen, and Phil works away at slicing some veggies. He tries not to listen, but he can’t help it with Dan being right here in the same room. He can only hear one side of the conversation. It sounds serious. Too serious. And Phil is nervous. Dan is asking if he can go see her. Dan almost never extends that offer on his own. Phil’s worried. Dan doesn’t look his way, he seems very tied up in his conversation, but he doesn’t seem upset. And that’s a good thing. Phil half expects at any moment for the tone to change. For Dan to take on that defensive, withdrawn tone of voice he so often speaks to his mother with. He waits for Dan’s mood to drop. He just waits. And nothing happens. Phil doesn’t know what’s going on, or what’s being said on the other end of the phone. He can only see Dan, and he’s holding together. He’s doing well. He’s strong. And Phil isn’t sure how to take that. He just stays quiet. This conversation isn’t Phil’s. He’s here simply as moral support if Dan needs him. All he can do is wait for some kind of instruction. Wait for Dan to tell him what he needs.  
17:43  
May 🌈  
Dan is far past worrying about Phil hearing his phone calls. He doesn't really hide anything from Phil, certainly not things like this. He would put it on speaker if he weren't worried his mum might say something wrong. "Are you sure?" She asks nervously.

"I'm sure, Mum." They're both quiet a long moment before Dan asks, "Dad left again, didn't he?" Then, she's really crying. That's a 'yes'. She doesn't say much of anything after that. Dan promises, "I'll be there in, like, 45 minutes, okay? Maybe less, the tube should be quick, it's rush hour." A few 'love you's and Dan hangs up the phone wondering what the fuck is going on. Dan sighs, feeling… a lot, but not as much as maybe he would have previously felt. He's scared, at first. Nobody likes to hear their mother cry. Maybe it's a little triggering, because Dan's mother crying used to mean bad, dangerous things, but Dan doesn't think he can feel that right now. He needs to be there for her to at least be sure she isn't actually hurt enough to need medical attention. In perfect timing, Adrian responds with an eloquent: 'dunno. dad bailed on hiking and said it's bcoz mum is being crazy again.' Dan considers that a long moment before telling Phil, "I need to go check on my mum. I don't know exactly what's going on. Dad's not there, so it's… fine." Dan genuinely doesn't know what he would do if he got in the middle of one of their arguments. He rubs Phil's arm soothingly, "Do you think…" Dan doesn't know exactly what he's asking. "Is this stupid?"  
17:50  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil takes Dan gently into his arms when he approaches. This is new. Different. Phil doesn’t know if they’ve ever been in this situation before. And he’s just worried. For Dan, for his mum, and their safety, and their wellbeing. He doesn’t know Dan’s father, really. They’ve met, Phil’s spoken to him, and he seems like a nice enough man. But right now, the way Dan speaks, and the way Dan’s spoken of him in the past, it seems like maybe he has the potential to be... not so nice. “It’s not stupid.” Phil says, shaking his head. “She’s your mum. She’s... if you need to go check up on her, if you’re worried about her, then it’s not stupid.” He said. “Do you want me to come?” He asks softly. It’s unlikely. Phil knows that. Dan doesn’t often invite Phil around his family and he doubts that will change now, when things are tense. But he offers anyway. Because Dan might need him. He might be able to help. Somehow. But it’s likely that Dan will turn him down, and in that case, Phil will stay here. He won’t argue. But he will worry the entire time.  
18:02  
May 🌈  
Dan wraps his arms around Phil tightly, needing the support. He doesn't want to leave Phil at all. He also doesn't want to put Phil in a really uncomfortable situation. Dan responds honestly, "I don't know." He does try to articulate better than that, "I didn't mean for this to happen. She was crying. A lot. I want to stay with you." Dan's gone with Phil plenty of times to visit his father in a hospital up north. He isn't intimately involved, but Dan is somewhat involved in Phil's family. He's close with Martyn and Cornelia, Kathryn loves Dan, Phil's father is very nice to Dan if not a bit distant… Dan thinks hopefully that maybe this is when things change for the better. It isn't too late yet, but it will be when Dan comes back home, "I don't know. It'll be mostly just my mum and I. But if you want and you think it's a good idea…" Dan doesn't have to face this alone. That alone is a lot more than Phil realizes he's offering Dan. He pulls back enough to look into Phil's eyes, looking for Phil's honest opinion. He warns, "She can get mean when she's upset."  
18:10  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil shakes his head. “I don’t care.” He says honestly. “She can get mean. That doesn’t matter. I’m not asking if she needs me there. I’m asking if you do.” Phil says. Whatever they run into back in Dan’s hometown is of low importance to Phil. Mean words, shouting, hell, physical violence? Phil can take. He doesn’t necessarily want any of that. Nobody wants that. But if Dan needs him there, Phil will go. No matter the risk. This is a weird situation, an unpredictable situation. God only knows what Dan will run into. And if he’d rather go by himself, that’s fine. He can call, or text, at any time. But if he’d rather have Phil at his side, then Phil will go. “I know it’s not my place. I know your family isn’t... they don’t like me much. And I haven’t exactly officially introduced myself as your boyfriend yet.” He says. They know, of course. Dan’s told them. They’ve seen the video. But Phil hasn’t really seen any of them since they found out. “But I just want to be there for you. However you need. I can stay here, if that’s better. You can call, you know that. I just want to know what you’d prefer. What you need.”  
18:30  
May 🌈  
Usually, Dan wishes Phil wouldn't push him to make choices like this. Today, though, it feels different, not so overwhelming. After a silent moment or two, Dan nods, confident that as long as his dad isn't there, the worst that could happen is not all that bad. Dan and Phil are grown men, they can take care of themselves. They'll be safer together than Dan would be alone. Besides, Dan would literally never, ever let anybody actually hurt Phil. They'll be just fine. "If you're really sure, will you please come with me, Phil?" Dan requests. It isn't normal for them, but Dan doesn't want to push Phil away. He wants to figure things out and make things right. He feels like he can now, he doesn't feel out of control. So, they head out just as soon as they're properly dressed. They're both actually starving, so Dan grabs some granola bars on the way out.

Dan's anxiety doesn't properly start kicking in until he starts seeing the train announcements start mentioning Wokingham. Dan's right, it took a lot less time than expected. All of a sudden, they're here, and Dan hesitates before stepping off the car and onto the platform. His mum's house isn't more than a five minute walk from this station, so he didn't see any use in asking her to pick them up like Phil's parents do when they visit Rawtenstall. This isn't anything at all like visiting Phil's family, and they both know that. Dan doesn't have to be afraid. Phil knows. He won't judge Dan for this, he's just trying to do the right thing for his mum. Dan walks closely and quietly to Phil, both hands on his phone as he texts Adrian and their mum, trying to understand the situation. Adrian is 22 years old and acts as young as he looks. He thinks he knows everything in the world because he hikes and meditates. It's frustrating, but it does help Dan understand what's going on with their father. Asshole. He slips his phone back in his pocket as they approach his childhood home and oh, God, Dan doesn't know if he can do this. He's hardly touched Phil this whole way and never, ever touched him here in Wokingham, never outside his front door, but in this moment, all he wants to do is hold Phil's hand. "Thank you," Dan reminds Phil as he pushes the doorbell button, not knowing exactly what might happen from here.  
18:39  
Charlie 🎄  
It’s scary. Phil knows that. The train journey is quiet, and tense, and the walk to Dan’s home is just the same. Dan doesn’t say much. Phil doesn’t blame him. This is hard. It’s really, really hard, and Phil can see it on Dan’s face. And as they stand on the doorstep, Phil takes a risk by carefully squeezing Dan’s hand, just for a moment. Then he lets go. He can hear movement from inside the house, and then the door opens. Phil can tell she wasn’t expecting to see two people. And Phil just stays quiet. He gives her a soft smile, but he doesn’t speak. He’s here for moral support. Whatever Dan needs from him. If Dan wants him to stay right here on the front step, he will. But he’s here for Dan, and he’ll do whatever Dan needs him to do.  
18:56  
May 🌈  
Dan squeezes Phil's hand right back and quickly kisses his cheek before the door opens. Dan let his mother know he'd bring Phil under the guide of not wanting to take the tube home alone so late at night. She didn't really comment on it, just agreed that Dan shouldn't be out alone. No, when she opens the door, she isn't expecting Dan and his boyfriend at all, she's expecting her husband. That look on her face is disappointment. Dan forgot how much that look hurts. It doesn't matter, Dan reminds himself. "Mum," Dan sighs sadly as he wraps his arms around her for a gentle hug. He leans forward and bends his knees so she can reach him properly, like she used to before he grew up and everything went to shit. Karen throws her arms around his neck and can't help but softly cry into his shoulder. She apologizes, but Dan doesn't really respond. This hurts. Dan rubs Karen's back slowly, eventually reminding her, "It's cold out, let's go inside, Mum." 

She nods in agreement, her voice quiet, "Come in, come in, boys." Dan keeps a hand on her shoulder as they enter the warm house. He's sure to lock the door behind them protectively, just in case. The lights are quite dim, so Dan hits a switch to turn a main one on. "Oh, goodness, I wish you wouldn't. I look a proper mess. Welcome, Phil, honey. I'm sorry." Her makeup isn't enough to hide her swollen cheek and what looks to be the beginning of a bruise just under her eye. Dan doesn't let himself feel angry just yet. That isn't what his mother needs. "Have you eaten?" She asks as she wipes her tears through her makeup. "Let me get you boys something." 

Dan really doesn't know where to start here. He hugs his mum once more and says, "I missed you, Mum." Maybe this is enough: just being here for her so she isn't alone. She's never done well on her own. When Dan's father first left, they moved back in with Karen's parents, and it was very nice, but they wouldn't have survived on their own, Dan's mum just isn't built that way.  
20:23  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil isn’t sure how to feel. It’s clear that something’s happened. Her face is swollen. She’s crying. The house is quiet and empty and eerie and this doesn’t at all feel like going home to Phil’s parents does. It feels quite dark, in every sense. It’s strange, to see a parent like this. Phil’s parents were so very different. It’s not that they didn’t fight. All couples fought. But they had always made a point never to do it where he or Martyn could hear. They always went out, left the house entirely, kept their issues far from their sons. They were still aware if it of course. Kids were always aware when things weren’t quite right. But Phil’s parents always made an effort to keep their marital issues to themselves. It wasn’t the case here. Dan’s mum almost looked like a child herself right now. Scared, a little shaky, struggling to keep it together. They entered the house slowly, and Phil heard the click of the lock behind them. Phil was still quiet, just taking everything in, trying to absorb it all without making anything worse. He didn’t really feel welcome here. He never had, but especially not now. It felt like he was intruding. Like he shouldn’t be here. But he was here for Dan, he reminded himself. For support, in case Dan needed him.  
20:41  
May 🌈  
Dan and his mum take a minute or two to just hold one another. They haven't seen each other in months, Dan won't visit while his father is here. With any luck, that won't be a problem anymore. Finally, they're both somewhat content. Karen says once she can think clearly again, "I'm being so rude. I'm sorry, dear. It's been a long night. It's good to see you, Phil." She gives him a quick, chaste hug, "Don't mind me. Thank you for coming. I wouldn't want Daniel out traveling so far on his own. I know you can take care of yourself, but there's no need to go out on your own." Dan gives her a small, sad smile, not knowing what else to say. "Let's have something to eat. I'll fix something." Dan finally nods in agreement. He shares eye contact with Phil when Karen heads to to the kitchen, knowing Phil's feeling shaken. Dan gives him a reassuring nod and rubs his back supportively, just for a moment. Dan drops his hand and follows close behind his mother to help her fix whatever meal she has in mind, likely to be as British as the sky is blue. Dan turns on lights as they walk through this part of the house, hating the darkness.

Dan fills a glass with water and hands it to Karen, "Here." She'll dehydrate herself if she keeps crying like that. He doesn't doubt it hasn't stopped since she cried over the phone to him. She doesn't handle abandonment well. When she's well and hydrated, Dan speaks softly, if not a tad awkwardly, "Do you want to talk about it? We don't have to. It doesn't matter. I'm here for you." 

Karen looks at Dan like she can't believe what he's saying. As it turns out, she looks at him like she has no clue who he is, "When did my little Bear grow up so much?" She cups his cheek without pinching it like his grandmother sometimes does. It feels really nice. Dan takes that as she isn't ready to talk, and maybe that's really for the best right now.

"Where's Colin? That lazy dog didn't even come down to bark at us," Dan says to change the subject. 

He whistles through the house before his mother shushes him, "Oh, dear, he's with your grandparents. They get lonely with no little ones around, you know." I.e. Dan's shitty father claims allergies and gets the dog kicked out. Dan's just relieved Colin hasn't been implicated in any of this. 

"Probably for the best," he says simply. Dan looks through the fridge and rolls his eyes at how sparse it is. "Right, Chinese it is," Dan and his mum share a small laugh and he wonders when this got so easy. 

Dan quickly places an order on his phone as Karen finds some snacks in one of the cupboards, "Never to fear, I have appetizers! Grandma left some toffee for Adrian last she was here." Dan wasn't exactly expecting to bring Phil home for dinner ten years too late, but the alternative is too angsty for any of them to handle right now. 

"Alright, Mum likes kung pao whatever, I'll get orange tofu, Phil love, pineapple rice is it?" Dan's guard is down, he doesn't really hear himself call Phil that until it's too late. If it bothers Karen, she doesn't mention it. She just pours out toffees into an old bowl and sets it on the low kitchen table, "Eat up."  
20:51  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil stays back, stays out of the way. He hugs Karen lightly, carefully, not wanting to overstep any boundaries or say anything that he shouldn’t. “Of course, yeah.” He says lightly, giving a soft smile. This isn’t how he expected his day to end up. The morning had been so calm, so lovely. And maybe that was the universe preparing them for something to come. And now that they’re here, Phil’s glad he took the morning to relax. He might not be so calm and collected otherwise. He nods when Dan asks about his order, a quick glance at Karen, who doesn’t even seem to register the little nickname. Good. They don’t need that right now. Phil really has no idea how she feels about him. Dan’s family has always been nice to him, but he never really felt welcome here. He never felt like he fully had their approval, even as just a friend. And now that they knew he was more than that, he was even more uncertain of his place. The last thing he ever wanted was to be the reason Dan had trouble with his family. So he does his best to just stay out of the way. He has a toffee when Karen offers him one, just to be polite, and sits quietly at the kitchen table while Dan talks on the phone. He’s very uncomfortable. Surely that’s no secret. He just hopes it doesn’t come across as rude. He’s uneasy for many reasons, and he doesn’t want Karen to take it the wrong way.  
23:09  
May 🌈  
"Twenty minutes," Dan declares as he sets his phone down on the counter, taking the seat next to Phil. Karen sits across from Dan and has a toffee, suddenly very quiet. Dan cracks a joke because he knows she's struggling not to start thinking about her good-for-nothing husband again, "Did Adrian reject Grandma's toffees because they aren't vegan?" Dan snorts out a chuckle at Karen's nod, "Poor Grandma. Ouch, rejected. When will she learn to just send us all her candy instead of trying to read the ingredients? Phil and I will eat literally anything." 

Karen manages to laugh a little at Dan's attempt to lighten the mood. "Oh, I don't know. She tries so hard with Adrian. She worries that he's so skinny." 

Karen isn't too worried about Adrian, clearly. Dan doesn't make that jab, though. Dan and Phil didn't come all this way to argue over stupid things. Dan's here to help his mum. "Yeah, skinny, but it isn't like he doesn't eat. Have you seen his carrot stockpile? He buys a literal crate of carrots from the farmer's market every week. He eats, he just doesn't eat anything that tastes good." Everyone will feel better once they've eaten, Dan is hopeful of that at least. It's difficult for Karen to eat when she's fighting with Dan's father, so Dan hopes she can at least eat now with Dan and Phil. Dan can't protect her if she won't let him, which she won't, but he can give her some of his time. 

Things are more or less like this until the food arrives: uncomfortable silence followed by a light-hearted comment from Dan. Karen is obviously trying, but it's difficult for her. She feels vulnerable and heartbroken and probably in some physical pain. Then the doorbell rings and Dan is beyond relieved. "Got it," Dan stands up before his mum has a chance. He wants her to rest, today has been a nightmare for her, Dan is sure. Per usual, he's right, food does make everything better. They've hardly eaten all day. Everyone feels a little better when they're eating. Dan only checks his phone to talk to Adrian, who is supremely unconcerned with their mother's well-being. "Adrian says he loves you, Mum," Dan lies as he tucks his phone away into his pocket. "We've been talking more now," Dan tries for another topic of conversation. Everyone loves Adrian, he's easy, uncontroversial, really. The baby of the family always is, Dan supposes.

"That's good. I'm glad, Dan," Karen responds thoughtfully. She knows Dan and Adrian have a complicated relationship. "Brothers should be close. Phil, do you have any brothers or sisters? Do you get on with them?"  
23:17  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil tried to sink into the background. To be nothing but a fly on the wall. He’s so out of place here, it’s a little absurd. After ten years, shouldn’t it be normal, and comfortable, to sit in the kitchen with your in laws? Well, she’s not really his in-law, Phil supposes. Not yet. One day, maybe. But that’s a train of though so completely off topic, that he doesn’t linger on it for too long. It’s her question that brings him back to the moment, and something in him stings. Ten years, and she doesn’t even know if Phil’s got siblings. They really know nothing about each other. But that’s fine, he reminds himself. That’s not what this is about. So he nods, smiling politely as he picks away at his food, too nervous to eat quite as much as he normally does. “Yeah, just the one brother, Martyn.” Phil says. “He’s a bit older than me, wiser. We work together a lot. He helps Dan and I run our shops, and things like that.” He smiled. He didn’t want to say too much. He doubted she was genuinely curious about Phil or his family. But if they were talking about him, then at least it was a distraction from the bigger issue here. Phil couldn’t help but wonder what would happen now. She’s clearly been hit. That’s not okay. Phil doesn’t know if it’s happened before, but something tells him it has. So now what? Was she just going to stay with him? Were they just going to leave her here? That seemed so far from acceptable. But it wasn’t really Phil’s decision to make, so again, he stayed quiet.  
23:54  
May 🌈  
This was a mistake, bringing Phil here. Phil's light is just not there right now. He's frightened and probably confused by a lot of this. Dan doesn't know how to stop it, turn this around. It's maybe ten years too late to turn this around. Here Phil sits, ten years too late, in this tiny, cramped kitchen in this tiny, messy house, being asked by his partner's mother if he even has a brother. Surely, Dan must have mentioned Martyn in passing conversation, but never in any detail. Why would he even being it up when this is part of their 'normal'? When Karen is busy trying to keep peace between Dan and his homophobic, abusive father, why would Dan even mention Phil, let alone get into any detail about him or his brother? Dan tries to make it feel a little normal, for their collective sanity, "Martyn's lovely. He comes with us on tour and he helps with photoshoots, as well," Dan explains.

"Right! The calendars, he helps with those? I have one of each saved in a box, they're so cute. The dog calendar was just adorable. Didn't you say that was Martyn's idea?" Finally, Karen has something to talk about. She seems to light up just a bit at the mention of the calendars. "Bear, some of your shirts and pencils and things are so dark, but the calendars are always fun."

Dan doesn't specifically remember telling her about Martyn, but he isn't going to turn down a conversation topic anyone at this table is willing to engage in, "Yeah, that was fully Martyn's idea. Brilliant, really. That was, like, the best day ever. Those dogs weren't Colin, but wow, they were so cute. Martyn basically set the whole thing up in, like, a week. He's really, really clever at administrative stuff like that." 

"I reckon he is, if he's anything like you, Phil," Karen smiles as warmly as she can probably manage, though still a tad subdued.

Dan smiles down at his takeaway, pride in his chest, "Phil is proper clever. Really. Just… everything." Dan isn't good at this. At all. He doesn't talk about Phil to other people, his relationship with Phil is personal, but he wants that to change. Just a little. He still wants Phil all to himself, but he doesn't want to be closeted. He wants his mum to know he loves Phil.

"I'm sure," Karen gives Phil a wink. "What was it you did in uni… It was so long ago. Was it literature? Linguistics? Something with an 'L', I'm sure of it."   
28 October 2019  
00:05  
Charlie 🎄  
“English language ad linguistics, yeah.” Phil smiles, glad that the room is starting to feel a little lighter. It’s just so odd being here. Any time he’d been here in the past he’d been “just a friend from up North”. It in more recent history “Dan’s roommate”. Neither of which were lies, but they were certainly half truths. And it was strange, being here, being out, being known as Dan’s boyfriend. Soulmate, as Dan had put it in his video. Which, surely she’d seen. And she didn’t seem too upset by it. Phil had never really known how to take Dan’s parents in that regard. It was hard to tell how open they were, how accepting. Karen didn’t seem too bad. But he’d never spent enough time around his father to know where he stood. Dan didn’t seem to like him very much though, so he probably didn’t stand anywhere good. “Never put that degree to any use though.” He chuckled, shaking his head. Four years of uni and all that money down the drain, really. But he wouldn’t change it for the world. Uni led him to YouTube, and YouTube led him to Dan. So really, it had all been worth it in the end.  
00:34  
May 🌈  
"No, but don't you dare regret getting an education, darling," Karen chastises gently. She gave Dan hell for quitting uni, he knows nothing would make her happier than going back to finish his degree. "You might not be in the field, but you use your education every day. It's a gift nobody can ever take away from you." Dan just lets her go off, knowing there's no stopping her on this particular topic until she says her mind. "An education isn't just a piece of paper, it's part of who you are. It's being free to think for yourself and free to choose. Those things mean a lot more when you don't have them." She says all of this kindly, of course, but Dan knows it comes from a difficult place. She dropped out before she could start uni. Her pregnancy with Dan was a big part of that, but her education suffered ever since she met Dan's father. She wanted more than anything for Dan and Adrian to have that independence she believed uni could give them. She wanted them to have good, happy lives that would be nothing like hers. She was truly heartbroken when Dan quit. That, matched with his relationship with this older man sitting at her dining room table now, and Karen was seeing history repeat itself. She was terrified for him. Not so much anymore, though. "You're clever, creative, successful, and maybe that diploma didn't make all of that happen, but all the things you learn leading up to that make you who you are. There's no substitute for a real education. You get to choose who you want to be. That's quite beautiful, if you ask me."

"Mum, you ought to go back to school," Dan suggests softly, trying to get the attention off Phil. "You can do it online now, it's easy enough, I've heard." He stuffs a bunch of food in his mouth to avoid the consequences of that suggestion.

Karen humors Dan, "Maybe one of these days, dear."  
00:45  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil just kind of sits, and lets her scold him. He knows enough about Dan’s family history to know that this lecture is probably coming from a place of personal regret. He can see it pretty plainly that she’s mostly feeling these things towards herself. Maybe she feels like she should have finished school, gotten a higher education, a degree, something. Phil wonders if maybe she feels trapped. With no degree or well paying career to fall back on, perhaps she feels stuck relying on her husband for support. Maybe that’s why she stays in a situation that clearly isn’t good for her. But Phil can’t say any of that, of course. It’s so not his place. “You’re right.” He nods softly after a moment or two. “I am glad I have it. This internet thing, you know... unpredictable. It’s nice to have something to fall back on if I need to.” He smiles softly. “I could get a teaching job, maybe. I don’t know. Cross that bridge if I need to, I suppose.” He smiled, pushing his rice around his plate a little bit. He didn’t think that was something he’d have to worry about in the near future, but he supposed it was good to have a plan B. He and Dan were covered if something happened. And they were smart with their earnings. They made good investments, they were responsible. So Phil really wasn’t too worried. They were saving now for a house, making plans towards the next steps in their lives, though he knew that probably wasn’t an appropriate thing to say here.  
09:31  
May 🌈  
"Phil, that would be so cute," Dan mentions with a smile. "You'd be so good with kids." This situation is fucked up, obviously, but Dan can't help but smile when he thinks of Phil as a teacher. Dan had such a miserable time in school, the idea of someone as deeply good as Phil out there taking good care of kids makes Dan happy. "It'll literally never happen, but it'd still be cute. Phil's so talented, even if YouTube crashes, someone will pick him up. I bet BBC1 again. One of these days." Dan has no doubt Phil will keep entertaining the rest of his career.

"I don't doubt it. What about you, love?" Karen asks curiously. "You two used to be a duo."

"Yeah, sort of," Dan tries to explain. It isn't easy to explain all the reasons they aren't really working together anymore in a way Karen can understand. "I don't know exactly what I want to do yet. I'll figure it out." That won't be enough for Karen, so he adds, "I maybe want to do something related to mental health. Like… I don't know, be a spokesperson or a representative or something like that. I need to look further into it."

Karen looks at Dan silently for a moment, maybe sadly, but it's hard not to read sadness into that bruised eye. Dan doesn't want to make a scene, but he's dying to put some ice on that. It obviously hurts. "Dan's always been like that, you know," Karen explains to Phil with a smile, "When he was just a little boy, any game we played, he didn't care about winning, he wanted everything to be equal. My bear would give his money to me in Monopoly at the end so we would both win, it made him so happy. It was the strangest thing. Grandma called you an old soul." Karen's smiling in that warm, motherly way now, "It's not enough to be successful yourself. You want everyone else to be happy, too." Dan knows right then she sees him more clearly than he sees himself. Just a few days ago, Dan wouldn't even talk to Karen on the phone. Now, he's better than she's ever seen him and he's here trying to help her for the first time in his adult life. Sometimes, mothers just know. "It's okay, you know, to just be happy yourself." Dan doesn't really have any response for that. She's worried he isn't working, she doesn't want him to be dependent on Phil. Dan knew that, but now she seems to be telling Dan not to let her drag him down. Dan isn't leaving her behind if he can at all help it.

"I am happy, Mum," Dan clarifies stubbornly. "Helping people won't make me less happy."

Karen lets it go, but she worries. Dan gives too much of himself away. It was okay when he was young and his mother was his best and only friend, but things are different now. She can't protect him like she used to. Not online, not here. "What about you, Mum? When are you going to move back in with Grandma and Grandpa? You said it yourself, they get lonely." Dan asks gently, but it comes from a defensive place. He tries reframing it a bit so his mum doesn't feel so cornered. "It would be nice if they weren't alone in that big, old house. Colin can't drive them around or make sure they take their medicines."

Strangely, Karen responds, "I don't know." It isn't defensive. It seems like she's already been considering the option.

Dan adds, "I know they miss you." Now that she's come down from the chaos that ensued before Dan and Phil arrived, she's thinking rationally again. Well, rationally for the woman who cried because her horrible husband finally left her. Dan suggests quietly, "I think you should stay there tonight, Mum." Karen is actually considering it, and Dan's so relieved. Dan's all grown up and taking care of his mum. He stands while the wheels turn in her head, pulls a small ice pack from the freezer, and ever so tenderly places it against the wound on her cheek. She holds it so Dan doesn't have to, dewey eyes holding eye contact with Dan. She nods, actually agreeing to Dan's suggestion. Dan's shocked, but he texts his grandma quickly so she won't be too surprised.  
10:29  
Charlie 🎄  
Once the focus is off of Phil, he fades into the background again, just sort of taking everything in. This is a situation he’s never been in. Never even seen. The extent of his experience with Dan’s mum really ends at very occasional visits with Dan and that one conversation they had on the phone the other day. His experience with Dan’s father is even less than that. Phil has so rarely seen Dan interact with his parents, and never, ever, ever like this. Maybe it was the meds, but for the first time in ten years, Phil was seeing Dan treat his mother as if he liked her. Dan had always described her as selfish. Manipulative. Doing things only for her own benefit, and her own interests. Phil had never seen that in her, and he didn’t see it now. He saw a woman who was scared. Who had spent years trying to protect her kids and push them in the right direction, towards a life she hadn’t been able to have herself. It was interesting, to view all of this as a third party, as someone from the outside, who had never been involved. Dan had said just as recently as a few days ago, that there was no love in his family. And Phil couldn’t say for certain that it wasn’t true years ago. Maybe when Dan was a child things were different. But right now, Phil could see plenty of love here. He didn’t know how to articulate any of this out loud, and he knew that maybe it wasn’t beneficial if he did. Nobody needed Phil’s input at the moment. But something does cross his mind, and he spends several minutes thinking about it before he musters up the courage to ask: “Do you think he’ll come back?” He realizes maybe he’s phrased that wrong and he clarifies, “Like, to get some things, or... whatever? Maybe we ought to get moving.” He suggested softly. If the man returned, Phil wasn’t sure how that would go. Especially if Phil was here as well. He didn’t want anyone to get hurt, and he didn’t want any fighting, or shouting. Maybe it was best to just get Karen packed up and get her somewhere safe before her husband decided to come back for something.  
11:05  
May 🌈  
Dan really, really wishes Phil wouldn't have said that. He truly doesn't understand the way Dan's father affects Karen. Even mention of him has her nervous again and completely changing her mind. She sets down the ice pack and shakes her head, "You know, darling, he's right. I should stay so your father isn't alone when he comes home. I can't leave him." They were so close. Motherfucker. Dan tries very hard not to show the frustration on his face. He knows the hope of that man coming home and making up with Karen is more than she's willing to sacrifice.

Dan chooses his words carefully, "Mum, no, he can call you if he comes home." It's a weak argument and he knows it. He doesn't want to argue with her about the actual reasons she should not give a flying fuck if he returns. "I don't think you should be home alone tonight. Grandma wants to see you, she misses you." He's grasping at straws and he's sure Karen can sense that.

"Oh, I'll be- I'll be just fine, dear," Karen says defensively. "I can see your Grandma any old day. I should stay and wait for your father, just in case. I don't want him coming home to an empty house. He won't like that one bit."

Dan is disillusioned. "Mum," Dan shakes his head, not knowing what to say that won't just upset her further. Finally, he decides maybe it's time for a wakeup call, "Mum, Dad isn't coming back this time. That's what he told Adrian. He isn't coming back. Ever." Karen is speechless. Dan can't read her. "But, I won't leave you," he holds her hand over the table softly. "Neither will Grandma and Grandpa. And Colin." If the room wasn't tense before, it is now. "He's gone. Dad doesn't need you. But we do."

Karen's crying again, but she nods in what seems to be agreement, "I'll be right back." She leaves the table and heads upstairs to pack a bag. Dan rubs his face, anxiety clearly affecting him.   
11:16  
Charlie 🎄  
Shit. Should have stayed quiet, Phil supposed. He hadn’t been trying to change her mind. He’d only been thinking about her safety. The last thing that she needed tonight was for him to come back for some clothes or whatever else, and find her chumming about with Dan and himself. Phil didn’t know what sort of reaction that would bring. This was all quite scary, really. He’d hit her. So clearly violence was not below him. If he returned, he could hurt her again, or he could turn that anger towards Dan, or towards any of them. Phil just wanted to get everyone out of here. And when she finally disappeared upstairs, presumably to pack some things, Phil rubs at his eyes. There’s an ache behind them again, and he’s nowhere near his migraine medicine. Of course the stress of this is enough to bring on a new headache, but now is not the time. “Sorry.” He says softly. “Shouldn’t have said anything.” He added, glancing in Dan’s direction and reaching out to brush gentle fingertips across his forearm. “She’s gonna be okay.” He whispers softly. They’ll get her out of here, get her settled with her parents, she’ll be alright. Phil just thinks they should all get out of this house, and soon. Just in case. Just to be safe.  
12:23  
May 🌈  
Dan takes just a moment to himself before he can be here for Phil. He speaks too quietly for Karen to possibly hear from the other room, let alone the master bedroom upstairs, "No, no, don't. Please." He holds Phil's hand, "You're right. He's unpredictable. I just want to get you both the fuck out of here." His eyes are tired, "I'm sorry, Phil. Thank you for being here; I'm so sorry this is happening." Phil doesn't understand what he walked into tonight. Dan had ten years to make Phil understand his shitty family of origin, but some things can't be understood secondhand, not really. "Are you okay?" He can see Phil is obviously not in a good place, however well he hides it. They'll drop Karen off with Dan's grandparents, maybe stay for a minute or two to catch up, and go right back to downtown London so Phil and Dan can get through this together. Dan needs Phil to feel safe again. Dan doesn't doubt for a second Karen will come back to this shitty, old house just as soon as Dan's father decides to come back, but Dan can only hope the bastard means what he says and stays as far as he can get from here. Dan squeezes Phil's hand to keep his attention here, and not off wondering if Dan's father will come back and hurt them. Realistically, he isn't a monster. He won't come in with the intention of hurting anyone, but he doesn't know how to control himself when he gets angry. He tries to self-isolate when he's angry, but if that doesn't work (i.e. Karen tries to hold his hand to soothe him or one of his sons begs for attention), he'll gladly lash out to get his space. If he comes back, he'll come back calm. How long he'll stay that way, Dan has no way of knowing.  
12:34  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m fine.” Phil says, gently taking Dan’s hand in his own. They’re alone, it’s okay. “I’m okay. Just... you know. Worried, is all.” He assures. Who wouldn’t be worried in a situation like this? He can see the wheels turning in Dan’s head, he can see him gazing around the room with a look of what Phil can only describe as disgust. They’ll figure this out. They’ll get Karen out tonight, get her settled with Dan’s grandparents. Hopefully they’ll be able to convince her to stay. Phil has a brief thought that maybe they should bring her with them. To London. It’s farther away, not as easy for her to just pick up and come back here as soon as her husband reaches out, which he might. But he doesn’t offer that idea because he feels it will only upset Dan, and Dan doesn’t need to be any more upset. This is just a weird, tense, strange, stressful situation. They’re all on high alert right now. But they’ll do what they can. They’ll make sure she’s safe at least for tonight. Dan’s grandparents will look after her. Phil has met them plenty of times. Whenever Dan came home to visit, he’d often stay with them, and not with his parents. Sometimes he came just to visit them, without his parents knowing. They were the family that Dan seemed to like, and the family Phil had met most often. They were the first to know just exactly who Phil was to Dan, and the first to really give their blessing. They were sweet, and Phil liked them a lot. He knew they would help as much as they could.  
17:10  
May 🌈  
Dan nods in understanding. "Thank you," he repeats. "I love you." They wait another patient few minutes before Dan says, "I'll be right back." He finds Karen upstairs sitting beside her packed bag, staring at her phone, just waiting for Dan's father to contact her. Dan sits beside her and waits another patient minute for her to let go. It isn't easy. "Come on, Mum," he finally murmurs. She nods in agreement. Dan takes her bag for her, ever the gentleman. 

Karen hugs him before they leave, "I'm so proud of you, Bear. I'm sorry." Dan hasn't heard that in a very long time. It's nice to hear. He follows closely behind his mum as she heads down the stairs, feeling protective over her in a way he hasn't since he was very young. It's different now: Dan isn't a frightened, helpless child anymore, he can make real change. The three head out to the train station together and take the soonest tube to Dan's grandparents' home. It isn't any of the darkness that is his parents' house. It's homey, comfortable, safe, it even actually smells like biscuits. Dan can see his grandfather waiting for them in the front room by the window, clearly nervous. They know about the abuse, they aren't stupid, but what could they have ever done about it? Karen makes her own choices. The older, very British man greets them before they even reach the door, pulling Karen into a hug, "Sweetheart…" He doesn't say much more than that. Dan's grandmother gives Dan that pinch on the cheek she always does, though she knows he hates it. He feels really good here. 

"Come inside, the lot of you, before you catch your death out here," she instructs kindly. "Danny, have you lost weight?" 

Dan rolls his eyes, "I wish. Grandma, you know Phil, my partner." He figures now is good a time as any.

Dan's grandma spares Phil the pinch, but pats his cheek affectionately, "Welcome, Philip. It's very lovely to see you again. I made biscuits, won't you come inside?" Karen and her father have disappeared to some other part of the house to talk privately, leaving just Dan, Phil, and Dan's grandma. Much better.   
17:17  
Charlie 🎄  
Arriving at Dan’s grandparents house feels slightly more familiar. Slightly warmer, and lighter, and more like Phil imagined things like this should feel. He greets them with a smile, and it doesn’t take long for the group to scatter a little. Karen goes off with her father somewhere else, and the remaining three head into the kitchen. Colin is in there, and he greets Dan first, before sniffing happily around Phil’s feet as well. This feels better. Phil feels more welcome here. More like he’s part of all this and not just an unwelcome intruder that nobody really likes. He sits at the table then, giving some attention to Colin as he works once again on fading into the background. No matter how much more friendly this environment is than the last, Phil knows that none of this is about him, and it’s best if he keeps quiet, keeps out of the way. Dan’s grandma probably has some questions, she’ll probably want to talk to Dan about what’s happening, and Phil can just sit quietly and listen.  
19:29  
May 🌈  
"Colin!" Dan greets with more joy than he's greeted any other family member tonight. He lifts the dog and carries him in a cozy embrace for a while. If Colin has any complaints, he doesn't show them. The three sit at the dining room table, much cozier and more comfortable than at the last house. 

For some people, Grandma's house is the fun place, but for Dan, it was the safe place. Dan's father never hurt anyone here, threat of Dan's grandfather's shotgun keeping the family safe from him. He has little control of what happens outside these walls, but in his home, there is no domestic violence. The man isn't particularly warm, but he always made Dan feel safe. Dan sits closely to Phil on a long, wooden, cushioned stool. Colin uses the opportunity to spread out across both their laps to rest. Dan's grandmother knows all too well what's going on, she doesn't need to know all the plot points. Instead, she brings out warm biscuits and states, "I reckon it's been a long night." The sun has set now, and Dan is really feeling it. He nods agreeably. He doesn't have to put up so many walls here. His grandparents will take care of things from here on out. "Why don't you two boys stay the night? You can share the downstairs guest room. look, Mr. Colin will miss you too much if you leave so soon." 

Dan sighs tiredly, not even knowing how to respond to that request. Watching his mother leave tomorrow morning will actually break Dan's heart. Not to mention, he didn't expect this to happen, so he doesn't have his medicine with him. Thinking back to the withdrawal he went through last week, he has to decline, "Maybe we'll sneak Colin out under my rain coat." He smiles tiredly, "Another time. Christmas, maybe?"

"You know you're always welcome. Does your brother know about any of this?"

"Only what Dad's told him," Dan shrugs, "so, no."

That's the extent of the questioning. Dan's grandma catches up with him and Phil about easy things: changing seasons, plans for the holidays, Dan's grandfather's health. She doesn't want them leaving until they've calmed down some. Finally, Dan sighs, "We should go. It's getting late."  
19:45  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sits quietly, chipping in to the conversation when he’s spoken to, or asked a question, and otherwise staying out of it. The offer of spending the night, while it’s lovely, is something he’s glad Dan turns down. Phil just wants to be at home in his own bed, with Dan, away from all this. It’s really not great for his anxiety, being in such a volatile situation, surrounded by unfamiliar people who may or may not hate him, in a town that has caused Dan so much hurt and pain. He keeps a close eye on Dan, for any sign that he may be breaking. But if he is, he keeps it well hidden. They really do need to get going. Dan needs his medicine, Phil needs something for this headache so that he can hopefully prevent a migraine. They need to rest, and hope that this all works out for the better. Phil doesn’t know about Dan, but he knows himself, and he knows this is going to worry him until it’s resolved. Whatever resolved would look like in this situation. He hoped she would leave him. As shitty as a divorce would be, Phil couldn’t imagine any valid reason to stay with someone who physically injured you. Though he supposed people did crazy things for love. He just hoped it would work out. Putting an end to all this might be a weight off the whole families shoulders. And when Dan finally suggested they get going, Phil nodded. It was starting to get late. And all he wanted, more than anything, was to lay down with Dan and make sure he was okay.  
21:22  
May 🌈  
It isn't easy saying 'goodbye' tonight, as badly as he wants to be home alone with Phil. He interrupts his mum and grandfather in a way he's confident he's done before long, long ago. He remembers them arguing, he remembers asking his grandfather why he's so sad, he remembers his mother crying to Dan the last night they spent here before moving in with Dan's father again. He slept in her bed that night like every night he remembered sleeping before, then never again, not once for the rest of his life. Dan remembers the sad look on his grandmother's face and the anger on his grandfather's expression as a man Dan doesn't remember carries Dan away from the only home he knows, away from his family. That's when it starts hitting Dan. He holds it in well enough until it's just him and Phil on a platform waiting for the tube to arrive. Then, there's no distraction. No biscuits, no grandma to keep him preoccupied, no Colin to make him smile. Just Dan and Phil and the quiet platform. Dan's holding his breath before he realizes, his body trying to hold back sobs before he realizes he's crying. Hot tears fall more quickly than he can wipe them away. He's silent, all but shaky breaths. Dan hasn't cried in public since primary school when he learned that crying in public makes him gay. He's suddenly overwhelmed with it all, seeing his mother's swollen eye in his head over and over. "Phil-" Dan whimpers quietly, wanting to let him know something's wrong, he's crying and he can't stop, but all he can get out is Phil's name. He holds his hand over his mouth to keep as quiet as he can.  
21:29  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil knows that a breakdown will eventually come. This situation all but guarantees it. And he keeps a close eye on Dan, assuming he’ll keep it in until their own door closes behind them. But it comes much quicker than that. It’s late at night. The train station is empty spare for them, and a couple of others. And Dan’s sobs, no matter how hard he tries to contain them, echo throughout the empty station. Phil wraps him up without hesitation, holding him close, trying to soothe him as best he possibly can. “I know, I know. It’s okay.” He whispers. He presses a gentle kiss against Dan’s temple. He doesn’t care who’s watching. Nobody really is, anyway. The one or two other people here awkwardly avert their eyes, and Phil’s grateful for it. “It’s okay. She’s safe. You’ve done all you can for right now, okay? You did a good thing.” He soothes, hoping that Dan will be able to collect himself. This is hard. Phil understands. And he wants more than anything to help Dan through it.  
29 October 2019  
00:43  
May 🌈  
Dan is triggered now if he's ever been before. He's in more control because he's on better meds, but today is the stuff of his worst nightmares. He's tired, on top of everything, and he's due for a round of meds. He just can't stop himself, it's too much. He holds onto Phil tightly. Phil brings Dan so much comfort, he'll never know really how much he means to Dan. Crying in public is making this so much worse than it needs to be. Hopefully, the strangers on the platform just think Dan is sad and drunk, not sad and gay. He calms down enough in just a few minutes, just in time for the empty train to arrive. Dan wipes his eyes quickly and follows Phil onto the train, keeping very close to him. Dan apologizes to Phil through shaky breaths, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm just…" Dan doesn't know how to explain himself. He doesn't have to. Dan could not have gotten home alone. He would have locked himself in the public bathroom and cried his eyes out. Dan holds Phil's hand determinedly, his damp face pressed against Phil's neck in a half hug, needing the comfort more than he needs to appear straight in public right now. "I'm sorry," Dan repeats. Home cannot come soon enough.  
01:22  
Charlie 🎄  
“No, don’t. Please don’t.” Phil breathes, holding Dan close as the train begins to leave. He doesn’t want Dan to feel sorry for having completely normal and natural emotions. This has been a hard day. Dan is allowed to be upset. And while Phil really has no idea how to fix it, he knows that Dan needs to be comforted. Phil holds him, rocks him gently back and forth, whispering sweet reassurances to him as they sit there. “You’re okay. You did good. She’s safe, she’s going to be fine. I love you. You’re okay.” He breathes, murmuring these things like some kind of mantra. He just needs Dan to hold up until they get home. Then he can really, fully let it out. He can cry as much as he wants, as long as he wants, until it’s all out of his system. But right now, he needs to keep it together just a little bit. Just so they can get home.  
01:34  
May 🌈  
Dan quiets down once Phil's words start getting through his thick head. He just has to stay calm until he can get home, take his medicine, and clonk out. Dan holds tightly onto Phil as the train takes them far from Dan's traumas. Dan is clumsy on a good day, so he isn't afraid to lean a bit on Phil as they walk through the London station, down the street, and up to their flat. Dan doesn't want to think. He doesn't care if it makes him a drug addict, he wants to take that pill and forget this ever happened. If he doesn't have to face his nightmares, sleep truly is a safe haven. Dan doesn't run to the kitchen like he so badly wants to. He lingers in the doorway with Phil, disoriented, "Are you okay?" His eyes are still red and teary as he looks into Phil's eyes, his hands shaky as he holds onto Phil's shoulder for stability. Dan didn't mean for this to happen. He thought… He doesn't have any idea what he thought before. Dan feels like an entirely different person to who he was a few hours ago. His world is different now.  
01:48  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m fine, baby, I’m okay.” Phil assures, holding Dan steady and closing the door behind him. He looks... wrong. Unlike Phil has ever really seen him. Wide eyed and frightened and completely shaken to his core. He’s Phil’s one and only priority right now. “Let’s get your medicine, okay? And some water, and we’ll get tucked into bed, and we’ll be okay.” He promised. “Do you want to talk about it? Because you can. If you need to get it out.” Phil reminds him. He knows Dan may not want to. Maybe he just wants to rest and relax and just see how things are in the morning. That’s perfectly fine as well. He can just go to sleep, and call his mum in the morning, perhaps. Surely someone will be in touch with him, right? They’ll update him on what’s happening. He won’t have to worry for long. Phil just prays for Dan’s sake that this all works out. He’s been through so much. He doesn’t need this too.  
08:04  
May 🌈  
Dan nods in agreement, trusting Phil to take care of them for now. They head to the kitchen and Dan takes his medicine as quickly as he can, "I don't know what to say." It's all too much, too many intersecting changes and fears and dangers and things going wrong and things going right for Dan to make any sense of now. He shakes his head, suddenly determined, "I can't talk about it." He feels like it's still happening, he just isn't calming down. Dan's hands are shaking, he doesn't know how he'll manage to get to sleep. When they're in bed once again, Dan starts proper crying again. He doesn't have words for what he's feeling, it's just all too much. His grandma was right, he would have been better to stay the night there. He doesn't handle 'goodbye's well at all. Maybe sometimes, that makes it easier to avoid seeing his family at all. That way, he doesn't have to leave them. Dan's having flashbacks without necessarily realizing it. He holds onto Phil with an iron grip as he fully melts down, his body and his mind finally feeling the whiplash that has been the past several hours. They went from such a beautiful, intense high to such a painful low in such a short time, that's a big part of this crash. It only lasts as long as Dan can stay awake, which isn't more than maybe twenty minutes, at most. His medicine has him asleep as quick as it can, and Dan is very grateful. Dan's tense body finally relaxes when he falls asleep, though his fingers still hold onto Phil with what little strength they still have.

When Dan wakes, he's never been more relieved to have not dreamed. He doesn't want to imagine what his unmedicated mind might have cooked up with yesterday's events. Dan has dried tears under his eyes when he wakes up and he knows he'll need a shower ASAP. He takes his time waking up, though. As much energy as the medicine allows him, he knows today needs to be slow and easy. So, Dan cuddles up to Phil and holds him, trying not to feel the effects of yesterday.   
08:33  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil feels so helpless in moments like this. So beyond useless, unable to help Dan in any meaningful way except to hold him and let him cry. It’s heartbreaking, and Phil sheds a few tears of his own, though he doesn’t think Dan notices, and for that he’s grateful. He just wishes he knew what to do. How to help. Dan didn’t want to talk, he couldn’t talk, he said. So Phil was at a bit of a loss. He held Dan until he went to sleep, and held him long afterward. Sleep avoided him, naturally. He was too strung out over everything to properly sleep. His mind was spinning with worry, about several things, and several people. He did eventually manage to drift off, only once he was able to convince himself that he wasn’t helping anybody by staying awake. He made sure that both of their phones were on in case somebody needed to call, and he curled up to Dan, drifting in and out of a light sleep. His headache turned out to be just a headache, thankfully never tipping over to a migraine, and when he woke in the morning, Dan was just as close as he had been earlier, and Phil wondered if he’d even moved. He rubbed gentle circles against Dan’s back, not saying anything for a while. What do you say, at a moment like this? If Dan wants to talk, Phil knows he’ll talk. For now, he lets the quiet consume them.  
08:48  
May 🌈  
Naturally, Dan can't stand the quiet for all too long. When he's sure Phil is awake, Dan kisses his chest softly and whispers hoarsely, "I love you, Phil." That isn't a bad place to start. 'Good morning' just doesn't seem to cut it. He soothingly rubs Phil's chest, not knowing where to begin thanking him and apologizing to him for yesterday. Dan asks again, this time much more meaningfully, "Are you okay?" Dan can think clearly now that he's medicated and rested. "That was… yesterday was…" Dan doesn't know if he has words for it. Dan clears his throat, "I am so sorry." For dragging Phil into it, for putting Phil in danger, for the emotional whiplash, for freaking out and falling asleep before he could actually talk with Phil about all that happened. It all happened too quickly, too strangely for Dan to handle as well as he so desperately tried. All the health scares and trips to Rawtenstall, Phil and Dan took the time to talk and process things together. Nothing was all too rushed. Yesterday, though… It was chaos, the threat of Dan's violently abusive father's return pressing on their minds. Dan put Phil right in the middle of that. Knowingly. After years of effort to keep Phil as far from his family as possible for this exact reason, among others, he just brought Phil along like it was no big deal. "I'm sorry."  
08:59  
Charlie 🎄  
“Stop it, please.” Phil whispered, holding Dan close and wrapping the duvet tight around them to keep out the cool morning air in the flat. “Please stop apologizing. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Phil soothes. Dan had a family emergency and he’s asked Phil to come along for support. How many times had Phil done the exact same thing? How many times had Phil cancelled a weeks worth of plans, just to pick up and leave and drag Dan up north with him because he couldn’t face his fathers condition alone? How many close calls, how many scares? Too many. And Dan had always come along without a single complaint. Never a single frustration, never upset at having things cancelled or moved around. When Phil needed him, Dan was there. Regardless of circumstance. And Phil wanted to do the same for him. They were a team. “I’m okay. Really. I’m just fine, okay? I promise. I’m more worried about you.” He said softly. Yesterday had been very different. Phil still didn’t quite know what to make of it all, but he was trying his best to piece it all together and understand. He just wanted everyone to be safe. Especially Dan’s mum. No matter her relationship with Dan or how rocky it was, or had been, she didn’t deserve what was happening to her. Nobody did.  
09:12  
May 🌈  
Dan scoots closer when Phil readjusts the duvet. He wraps his arm around Phil's shoulder to help keep him warm. "Don't say that just because you're worried for me. I can't be okay unless you are," Dan explains gently, his voice still a whisper. He brushes Phil's stubborn hair back, "Not just saying you're okay, really being okay. I shouldn't have put you through that. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have gone alone. That was really scary, Phil. I scared you. I am sorry, I'm not gonna take that back." Dan's eyes are still sad, but he isn't crying now. He feels much more whole now. He's safe at home in bed with Phil, the rest of the world can get fucked for all he cares. He has all he needs right here. "That's why I don't like you to be involved with all of that. It's scary. That isn't what family should be. Not at all. But, that's where I come from. That used to be my family, that used to be my normal. I don't want that to be normal for you." Dan hopes he's explaining himself clearly, but it's difficult. Phil's family is good, he doesn't understand this kind of chaos, and Dan doesn't want him to.   
09:25  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs, letting his eyes close as he tries to articulate what he feels. He’s never been as eloquent or as good with words as Dan is. So he takes a moment to think, to piece together his thoughts, before he answers. “Dan. I am an adult.” He says gently, opening his eyes and meeting Dan’s. “I can handle it. You shouldn’t have to deal with difficult things alone just to protect me.” He says carefully. “Yes, it was scary for me. Because it was unfamiliar, and unpredictable, and more than I’m used to dealing with. But I am okay. I know you like to keep me away from all that, and I get it. But it hurts you even more to deal with it alone. I can see that.” He breathes, gently brushing a few messy curls away from Dan’s eyes. “You’ve been dealing with your family, and all their crazy, all by yourself, your whole life. But you don’t have to anymore, Dan. It’s been ten years. I’m not going anywhere. I’m in this for the long haul and that means that your crazy is my crazy too.” He says, hoping that Dan can understand where he’s coming from. “My crazy is your crazy. You’ve been there for me through all my crazy, haven’t you? You were there for me. For us. You don’t even realize how much Dad appreciated having you around when he was sick. You have no idea. And I know that’s not the same. My family isn’t the same as yours. But still. I don’t want to just leave you to deal with your family alone when you pour your heart into helping a family that didn’t raise you. This has to be equal. We need to share our crazy.” He said. He was rambling. He wasn’t making sense. He was so bad at explaining himself. He just hoped Dan was getting it. At this point in their lives, and their relationship, it wasn’t “Dan’s family” and “Phil’s family” anymore. It was their family.  
09:46  
May 🌈  
This would be arguably the worst imaginable time to propose to Phil, Dan thinks to himself. But he feels married to Phil, he has for a long time now. Dan doesn't know what to say, really. Phil is making too much sense for his own good. Dan nods in understanding, in agreement. Their families aren't the same, and the situations are not equal or fair in any way. Dan recalls doing housework and yard work and fixing something wrong with the family car while Phil spent precious time with his father, because things were piling up and Kathryn was exhausting herself with all of it. He was happy to do it, and Kathryn was so grateful. That's different. Phil came to Dan's parents' house and didn't even feel welcome or wanted in the first place. Sure, Phil's family didn't raise Dan, but in the relatively short time he's known them, they've given him more kindness than he's known what to do with. It isn't the same, but if Phil sees it that way, Dan won't push it. He sighs and tries to lighten the mood a bit, "I'll make it up to you, we can kidnap Colin for Christmas." Dan pecks Phil's lips, "I love you." They share a moment or two of silence before mentioning, "I'm sorry for freaking out. I really don't know what I'd do without you, Phil. Just… walking away from all that was…" Dan sighs, "It was just too much. I lost it." His eyes ache at just the memory of crying so hard last night. He closes them for a moment, "I don't even... I don't know what to say to Adrian. I have no idea." He needs a good, long day of food and rest before he can even check his phone.  
09:52  
Charlie 🎄  
“It’s okay.” Phil said softly. “I know it’s hard. It felt hard to leave her.” Phil said. He’d felt a little bit of that himself. Surely Dan’s grandparents would look after her. But still, Phil felt a little bad leaving. He still entertained the idea of having her here, letting her stay with them until she could get on her feet. But that was a conversation that he knew would be far too much for Dan at the moment. Phil just had to trust that she was safe where she was. “Does Adrian...” Phil trailed off, once again trying to collect his thoughts. “It seems like he’s closer to your dad. And you’re closer to your mum.” Phil notes. He’d absorbed a lot last night, just sitting back, watching, listening. And that one thing seemed apparent. There seemed to be a clear divide in the Howell family. “Has it always been like that?” Phil asked gently. Dan didn’t have to answer, of course. He was never obligated to talk about anything that made him uneasy. Phil was only curious.  
10:08  
May 🌈  
Dan starts rubbing Phil's back when he says it was difficult to leave Dan's mum. It was. She was crying when Dan said his last 'goodbye', it was triggering. Dan's worst fear has always been losing his mother, he's lost her too many times not to be. And Adrian. Dan thinks about Phil's question a moment, "It isn't his fault." He and Adrian aren't close by any means, but Dan is nothing if not protective of his little brother. "I had a lot of time alone with Mum before we moved back in with Dad. Adrian never got that. He wasn't exactly planned, but he was supposed to fix all of their problems. By then, I was too old and I didn't like my father. At all. I didn't know him. He took us away from my grandparents and he was a really cruel person. It was just too late to fix our relationship. He made up for that with the new baby. So, it was the three of them and I was the odd one out. When Mum and Dad were having a lot of problems again, Adrian thought Dad was fun and cool because he took him on trips and they spent a lot of time together. He told Adrian that it was all Mum's fault. He was too young to know." Dan pauses before explaining, "I reckon our father's on his way to somewhere warm like Spain or the Caribbean or something. Adrian's losing his dad. Again. He's angry with Mum. I just have to convince him to leave her be. The last thing she needs is for Adrian to blame her for this."  
10:18  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil listens carefully, and nods. He thinks he understands. Every kid has a ‘favourite parent’ Phil thinks. That’s just natural. As a child, Phil’s dad worked a lot while his mum was home with her boys. Phil spent more time around her, and naturally, he was always a little closer to her than to his dad. Add into that that his father was sort of a man’s man, more masculine than Phil ever had been, and they’d just never had fully compatible personalities or interests. That wasn’t a bad thing. That was normal. It had never been a negative issue. And in recent years, partially due to circumstance and partially due to the simple fact that Phil was an adult now, he and his dad had gotten a lot closer. But in Dan’s situation, it wasn’t just that one parent had worked while the other stayed home. It wasn’t that he had more shared interests with one parent than the other. It’s that his early years had been so torrential and unsteady that he’d learned from a young age who he could trust, or, he’d been taught who to trust. Brainwashed probably wasn’t a good word, but it’s all Phil could think of when he thought of parents turning their kids against the other parent. It seemed maybe the same for Adrian, though he’d gone a different direction than Dan had. Two boys, with the same parents, who both had slightly different upbringings. And that had led them to present day. “What do you think would be the best?” Phil asked softly. “Like, just in your opinion, what do you think needs to happen to fix this? Or at least make it a little easier?”  
10:38  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't know. He closes his eyes as tries to find the answer, but it isn't there. He snuggles as closely as he can to his love and hides his face in Phil's neck, cowardly hiding from the world. Dan doesn't have an answer. How can he change Adrian's mind? How can he convince this boy, barely 22, that all he thinks he knows about his family dynamics is misguided? A lot of it has validity to it. Dan's mother is not a helpless victim, she has done bad things, too. She's also been aggressive in the past and frequently manipulative. Some of Adrian's grievings are totally correct: she neglected Dan when he was being bullied in school, she was emotionally absent in Adrian's life because of her complex relationship with his father, she let them both stay in that abusive home when she had many opportunities to leave. Dan shares that experience, but not at all to the same extent as Adrian. Dan can't show Adrian what their father's done without thoroughly traumatizing him. "Everyone wants a dad," Dan finally explains quietly. "I can't blame him for that." It takes a lot for Dan to finally say, "I think I should spend more time with him. Not today." Dan is, historically, a pacifist. If he sees conflict, he avoids it. He and Adrian are on okay terms because Dan avoids him. It keeps the peace. Maybe that isn't what either of them needs right now. Dan sighs, "If guilts me into going vegan, you're going vegan, too, Mr. Our-Crazy."


	2. Chapter 2

Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles gently at that. “You know I’m a bad meat-fluence.” He teases lightly. “But I’d do my best. If you think you’re going to get me running marathons and cycling mountains or whatever though, that’s where I draw the line.” He chuckled. “Your crazy is my crazy until it involves running through the Swiss alps.” He smirked. “Then I’m out.” It was nice to joke around a little. To make light of an otherwise grim situation. His mum always used to tell him, if you can’t laugh, you’ll cry. And as he’d gotten older, that bit of advice had stuck to him, and proved itself true over and over again. Sometimes, you just had to laugh. Because your only other option was to completely break down. And laughing was much more pleasant. Not always fully appropriate, but still. “I just want you to be okay.” Phil says after a moment, holding Dan a little closer. “No matter what happens, or how this turns out. You’re going to be alright.” Phil said. It was hard to say where it would go. Maybe Dan would finally cut his dad, or his mum, or both, out of his life entirely. Maybe he’d try to mend fences, and start fresh, and try to have a good relationship with them. Maybe they’d divorce and that would make it easier. Or harder. It was complicated, beyond what Phil could understand. He just knew that whatever happened, whatever choices Dan made, Phil was going to be here to support him and love him and share his crazy until the end of time.  
12:59  
May 🌈  
Dan's so relieved to hear a joke, he could actually cry. When he laughs, it's more at the prospect of crying at one of Phil's puns than the actual pun. He kisses Phil long and soft and sweet, a gentle palm on his cheek as he does. "I'll be better than alright, so long as I have you," Dan murmurs once the kiss ends. He insists, "You're perfect. I don't know what I'd ever do without you, my love." Dan would trade the whole world for Phil, none of it means anything without him. He asks, "Can we stay here a while? We can make a nice, big breakfast together later." Everything will be okay. Dan's done all he can for now. It's time to let all of that go and heal from it. Dan can't help anyone if he pushes himself past his comfort level. The whole point of meeting with Adrian is to build a relationship, and that won't happen if Dan's overwhelmed with emotions about his family trauma. Dan promises, "No surprise 'meet the family' trips today. Just you and I. We can put on that film, just have a day."   
13:06  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles. He’s more than happy to stay in bed with Dan today and watch movies and just... relax. For the first time in a week, just relax. Do nothing at all. That’s what they both need today. Phil is still worried, of course. He’s kind of waiting for the phone to ring, just for an update on whatever’s happening back in Dan’s hometown. But it may not come. They may not get a phone call. Because Dan’s family doesn’t function the way Phil’s does. So Phil can’t expect for that phone to ring. All he can do today is focus on Dan, focus on getting him through this, and help him with whatever comes next. “That sounds perfect, love.” Phil agrees, holding Dan tighter, snuggling down beneath the covers a little further. “Just you and I.” He says softly. Everything else, everyone else, is out of their control. Whatever happens, happens. They’ll take it as it comes. But with all this family drama, Phil can’t help but think about how much he’d like to visit his dad. It’s been a while since he’s been up north. He should go see them soon. Dan too, of course. They ask about him all the time, and they’d love to see him. Phil will bring that up another time. Today, it’s about them.  
14:18  
May 🌈  
Today is the aftercare they needed yesterday. Lots of cuddles, lots of quiet, lots of food. When Dan hears his phone ding just a few moments later, indicating some notification from someone, Dan turns over, turns the phone off, and gets right back to cuddling with Phil. Whoever it is can wait, Dan is not open for business. He is not responsible for his family. Right now, he's done all he can, and all he's responsible for is right here with him. Today is good. A quick shower, a big breakfast, and a movie marathon of only the funniest, happiest films they can have. Of course, Dan takes every opportunity to hold Phil's hand. They even get in a bit of actual productivity when Dan checks the front door for plants and puts them in fresh water. That counts as a productive day, surely. Dan is totally okay, more than okay. He feels really good. Dan even manages a short, light nap on the couch in Phil's lap, his first nap on the new medication. Naps usually leave Dan feeling more tired than he started, but this one is just pleasant. He has a dream, not a nightmare. It's strangely realistic, something about the film they're watching. Dan doesn't wake up with a jolt like he so often does, he wakes up gently with a yawn and a small stretch, feeling at peace. All is right in Dan's little happy place.  
30 October 2019  
00:56  
Charlie 🎄  
Their day goes by a lot better than Phil expects it to. Dan bounces back quickly. He doesn’t spend the day in bed, sad, moping about like he might have a month ago. They eat, they shower, Phil helps Dan out the fishtank together fully, and it feels like an accomplishment to finally have it full of water and running. It’s weird to have just an empty fish tank, with no fish in it, but Phil knows that he needs to be patient. Their little fish is safe and sound in a pet shop in Brighton and he’ll be home with them in a couple of weeks, when the tank has done whatever it is that it’s supposed to be doing. They lay on the sofa for the majority of the day, and Dan even has a nap. While he’s asleep, Phil orders dinner. They cooked breakfast, that’s enough effort for both of them today. And he feels like today of all days, calls for Domino’s. Pizza is their comfort meal, without a doubt. It’s the thing they crave whenever things have been particularly stressful. And this week absolutely qualifies. So Phil places their order, and then turns his attention to Dan, who seems so peaceful while he sleeps. It’s moments like this when Phil can truly admire him. When he starts to stir a while later, Phil smiles, letting a hand come to rest against Dan’s cheek. “Morning.” He chuckled. “How was your nap?”  
08:22  
May 🌈  
Is there anything better in the world than waking up to Phil's smile? Anything better than feeling his cool, soft hand against Dan's warm cheek just as he's waking up? Surely not. Dan nods and smiles sleepily, his movements sluggish at first. He looks up at Phil quietly a moment, wanting to appreciate him, "Mm, Phil, you're so beautiful." He rests his hand over Phil's on Dan's cheek softly so he can hold his hand. Dan shifts his weight a bit, trying to wake up, "Yeah, it was good." He cozies in closer to Phil a moment, considering dropping right back of to sleep. He won't, he knows, but it feels nice to hide his face against Phil's soft lower stomach, Dan's happy place, just for a minute before he sits up and stretches. "I'm actually starving, though," he pecks Phil's lips, "And I can't believe how quiet the aquarium filter is. It's such a nice white noise." Years ago, when Dan was first starting therapy and really struggling to sleep, he tried white noise videos on YouTube, thinking the noise might help him sleep. It didn't, and he can easily recall a specific meltdown after waking up in the middle of the night with his earbuds cord tight around his neck. It doesn't linger, though.  
08:32  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, letting Dan sit up, and wrapping an arm around his waist instead. “I’ve already ordered pizza.” He says, when Dan mentions being hungry. “It should be here soon.” He says. Hopefully their evening will be just as calm as the rest of their day. They’ll eat their pizza, find something to watch, and relax on the couch, they’ll do something. It still worries Phil that nobody has contacted them. That would never fly with Phil’s family. They always updated each other when something was wrong. Not that the Lester’s has ever been in this particular situation, but still. And he didn’t know what to make of it. Was no news good news in this situation? Or was it bad that Karen hadn’t called? He tried to put it out of his mind. Because today was about relaxing and about making sure Dan felt okay after all the stress yesterday had brought with it.  
08:44  
May 🌈  
Dan smiles and kisses Phil once more, "Mm, my hero." He can clearly see that Phil's distracted, some worry in his mind picking away at him. Dan holds Phil's hand in his lap, trying to figure out what it is Phil's thinking about, "Are you here, love? What's on your mind?" Dan wonders when the previous day will catch up to Phil. He knows Phil was experiencing anxiety attack levels of anxiety in Wokingham, he's never been in a position like that before. Yes, he's an adult, but he's an adult with a lot of anxiety anyway who was in an unsafe situation with his partner who was even less safe. Phil must have been frightened, but anytime Dan asks, Phil claims to be perfectly fine. Dan wonders if that anxiety will catch up to him sooner or later. Dan's phone is far from his mind. Whatever is happening with his family is not his problem right now. Dan can't control whether his father returns, whether his mother stays or leaves her parents' house, whether Adrian verbally abuses her or not. Dan did more than his part yesterday. His mother is an adult, he isn't responsible for her. Dan rests his head on Phil's shoulder, curious what he's thinking about.   
08:53  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil goes back and forth for a moment. He doesn’t want to bring it up, because it may only upset Dan again. But he knows that brushing off this question yet again, may upset him as well. After a moment of thought, he decides to just say it. “I’m just thinking about your mum.” He shrugs. “I thought maybe she’d call, just... let us know how things are going.” He said. That’s all. He knows that there’s not much more they can do. They got her out of there, they helped her get somewhere safe. The rest was up to her, right? But still, didn’t Dan worry? Wouldn’t he like to know what’s going on, how she’s doing? Wouldn’t he like to know if she’s made any decisions? Was Phil just being unreasonable? Should he just drop it? Forget about it? He didn’t know. He didn’t want to bother Dan too much with it, because he wanted Dan to feel okay. Yesterday was hard on him. It was hard on Phil too, anxiety wise. But being in the moment was a different type of anxiety. Now that he was out of that situation, the anxiety was very much present, just focused on something else. Something more long-term.  
09:08  
May 🌈  
Phil isn't used to any of this, Dan reminds himself. Phil thinks this is like his father's health crisis, that everyone in the family is working collectively toward a common goal. Dan is patient with Phil in a way he doesn't afford the rest of his family, "Phil, if my dad comes back, she'll go back to him. If not, she'll stay with my grandparents until he does. That's all." Dan rubs Phil's arm soothingly, imagining this must be difficult for Phil to see. "I reckon nobody can change her mind on that. She loves him. She doesn't want to be alone. That's just how she is. I mean, look, he used to take out his personal issues on her kids and she still didn't leave. Her children. All we can do is hope he doesn't come back this time." He sighs, "Besides, I turned my phone off this morning. Maybe she called, I don't know. I doubt it. I'll check tomorrow. Right now, we need that boundary. I can't control her, and I'm not going to try." Dan promises, "I'll talk to my grandma tomorrow. I'm sure she'll be worried about us. And I'll call Adrian and see if he wants to hang out one of these days. If Mum wants to talk, that's fine. I don't know if she will. She likes to sweep these things under the rug."  
09:18  
Charlie 🎄  
Something about that sort of makes Phil feel physically ill. This has happened so frequently in Dan’s life that it’s normal. It’s commonplace for his mother to be beaten? To escape for only a day or two until her abuser returns? And then it’s just business as usual? There’s no reason for Dan to be so calm about this, as if that’s just how things are supposed to work. Maybe Dan can’t control her, or tell her what to do, but can’t he talk to her? Try and reason with her? Maybe he’s tried that and it doesn’t work, Phil doesn’t know. But he knows that if she goes back to her husband, it’s going to haunt him. If anything else happens, it’s going to haunt him. He just feels like there’s more they can do to help. But it’s not his place, and Dan knows this family best, and Phil has to trust that if she was actually in danger, Dan would be worried. “Right, yeah.” Phil nods, trying not to let this get to him as much as he knows it’s getting to him. If it were his own mum, he’d be helping. He’d bring her here to stay, help her get on her feet again without him, he’d support her as long as she needed. But this wasn’t Phil’s mum, and it wasn’t Phil’s situation, and it wasn’t even really Phil’s business. He just couldn’t help but worry. And it was beyond confusing to him, how... unconcerned Dan seemed to be.  
10:29  
May 🌈  
Dan can see it on Phil's face he doesn't like that answer one bit. Phil lives in a world where adults make rational decisions. He doesn't understand. Dan speaks very gently, "Phil." He really doesn't know where to start. "He doesn't force her back. He never pushes her to stay. It isn't like that. She's probably spamming his phone right now asking him to come back home. She's in this because she wants to be, not because she has to be." Does that help? Does that make it worse? Phil doesn't understand, hell, Dan hardly understands, maybe Karen doesn't even fully understand, but Phil thinks he can and thinks he should. The problem is that there is no logic, there is no reason that anyone but a psychologist could reason out. She needs help that Dan can't give her. She needs more than she's willing to accept. It's mental illness mixed into a big, huge mess Dan isn't equipped to handle. All that happened yesterday was more than Dan should be putting on himself, talking to Adrian tomorrow is unfamiliar territory that maybe he should consult his therapist about first. He figures he'll bring this all up with her when he next sees her.   
10:37  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs, resting his head against Dan’s shoulder. Maybe he’s too soft. Maybe he cares too much. Maybe there’s just something here he isn’t understanding. Is it too much to just want people to be happy? “Sorry, love.” He says. He doesn’t want to upset Dan with his worrying. Dan has been around this stuff for a long time. He knows his parents and their patterns and how this all works, better than Phil ever will. But that doesn’t make it right. He doesn’t understand how anyone could go back to someone that hurt them. What would Phil do in that situation? Not that it would ever happen, but if Dan got angry and hit him like that, wouldn’t he leave? End all this, get out, never come back? That’s a question he really probably shouldn’t have asked himself. It’s a hypothetical he shouldn’t even consider. Because he’s not sure he likes the answer. But maybe that’s the problem. Maybe Karen feels that way. Like... he’s her Dan. And she’d try to work through anything for him. It’s a lot. It’s confusing. And all Phil can really do in this situation is be available. If Dan needs help, or support, or anything else, Phil can be here for him. He can’t really do anything about Dan’s parents. He can only let the cards fall where they may, and be here for Dan in whatever the aftermath looks like.  
11:05  
May 🌈  
Dan rubs Phil's back soothingly, "You don't have anything to apologize for. Let's-" He's interrupted by their doorbell. He pecks Phil's cheek kindly, not wanting Phil to think for a second that Dan is upset with him, "Be right back." He stands to get the pizza, thanks the delivery man, and brings the pizza and additional snacks right back to the couch so they can relax and eat and talk. "It was that hot Chris Hemsworth guy you hate," Dan mentions playfully. Dan sighs once he plops back down on the couch, "Okay. I want to talk about this if something is bothering you. Last night was… honestly, fucking horrible. And you're allowed to feel things about it and I want to be here with you so we can get through it together. I'm fine. I have you, I have pizza, I'm fine. If you're not ready, I won't push you. Just let me be here for you." Dan takes a slice of pizza and practically melts into the couch when he takes his first bite, "Mm. God. Yum." This is exactly what they need.  
11:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil playfully rolls his eyes when Dan mentions the hot delivery man. “I just hate that he’s always the one to show up when I look like a mess. It’s like they know!” Phil shakes his head. But he’s really not that upset. The dominos delivery boy might be pretty, but Phil’s not interested. It’s been roughly ten years since he found himself genuinely interested in someone, and he’d managed to keep that someone around, somehow. They take a few minutes inspecting all the food, and Dan does that weird thing where he rips all the boxes apart, and when they finally settle in to eat, Phil sighs a little at Dan’s question. “I think the thing that bothers me is that we can’t just... help her.” Phil said. You couldn’t help someone who wouldn’t accept it. And according to Dan, she had no problem running back into a bad relationship over and over again. If she was going to leave, she had to want to leave. Nobody could force her. This was the most involved Phil had ever really been in one of Dan’s family situations. Dan usually kept Phil so far back from all this stuff, but they were sharing their crazy now, and that meant... this.  
11:31  
May 🌈  
Dan can handle this talk right now. He's had all night to sleep, all day to rest, and now he has food. He's relaxed and he knows he's safe. He takes some time before responding in a soft tone, "That used to bother me, too. When I was very young. I guess before I learned the hard way that you can't save people. They can save themselves by accepting help, but only if they accept." He thinks on that with another bite of food. "I used to try to save her. I was way too young. I always tried to get in the middle of it so he wouldn't hurt her or Adrian. I begged Grandpa to take us back so we didn't have to live with my father anymore. I was so confused. I knew everyone was lying to me about what was going on. They said everything would be okay, things would settle in soon, blah blah blah…" Dan shrugs, "The truth was that Mum couldn't let him go. Even if Adrian and I suffered for it. So, I stopped caring. I had to. I looked out for myself and Adrian and that's it." Dan looks more at the food than Phil. It's easier that way. "I don't want it to be that way anymore, but I'm not in control of this. It's still Mum's decision. But I think maybe I can be there for her. Sometimes. I want to try."   
11:42  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil listens, nodding along as Dan speaks. It’s a lot. For both of them. It’s overwhelming for different reasons. Dan’s dealt with this his whole life. Phil’s new to it. Dan’s life, it would seem, has been a constant battle for survival. At home, at school, in relationships, just all around. It seems like Dan has just never had a moment of peace in 28 years. Whereas Phil’s life has been incredibly peaceful by comparison. He was a planned child, who grew up in a loving, stable home, who never had that much trouble in school, who’s relationships had mostly ended mutually and without complication, and everything had always just been pretty good. The only major issue was that people around him kept dying as if it were some type of curse, but overall, he’d had it pretty good. Dan hadn’t. And Phil wanted that to end. Now. This was a turning point in their lives. They were out, their careers were fairly stable, they were well off, they were beginning to entertain the idea of settling down, and Phil felt like now was the time to reconcile the past with the future. Whether that meant cutting people out, or building relationships, now was the time to be certain that the people they carried forward into the next phase of their lives were people who would make them happy, people who deserved to continue this journey with them. “I just want you to be happy.” Phil says after a moment. “Whatever that means. You’ve dealt with this shit for so long. It’s time you were just... happy.”  
12:16  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't know what will make him happy in his family of origin. He doesn't know that anything can. Maybe there's just too much bad blood. Dan won't know until he tries, "Thank you. I am happy." He promises, "I'm okay. I am. I'm an adult and I've been working on this for a long time. I was… Honestly, last night, I was just really triggered. Mostly, it was new because things are different now. It felt good to get her out of there. I want to help her. After all of it, I was exhausted and something just really triggered me when we left for London again." He tries not to think back on it too deeply. "I'm not done dealing with it." He wants to be. He's tried cutting ties and living his own life with Phil, but resolution does not come easily. "I can't deal with it all the time. I'm not, like, moving back in with them or anything. I can't get too involved, but I want to be able to show up for my mum if she's willing to make an effort, too." Dan explains, "I'll talk to her about therapy. That's all I can really do." He adds, "I couldn't do this without you. Literally any of it. Thank you. I love you so much, baby."  
12:25  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods again. He can’t pretend to understand what things are like for Dan. But at least right now, it seems like he’s trying. They can only wait and see where it goes. Dan has a good relationship with his grandparents. He’s got an okay relationship with his brother. His relationship with his mum seems rocky, but functional. And with his dad... well, Phil’s not sure. He just has to let Dan figure this out. It’s up to Dan to decide who gets to come with him into the future. For now, Phil can only be here to help him in whatever way he possibly can. And Phil likes thinking about the future. So he shifts the conversation more in that direction. “Someday we won’t have to worry so much about all this.” He says, wrapping an arm around Dan with a soft smile. “We’ll be too busy bickering over who’s turn it is to mow our big lawn.” He chuckles. That’s a much more pleasant conversation, an easier train of thought. To think about their future. House, pets, maybe a wedding, or babies. Phil wants it all so bad. The older he gets the more he could just explode thinking about it. And it’ll all happen in due time, he reminds himself. When they’re ready. When the timing is right.  
12:40  
May 🌈  
Leave it to Phil to turn things around like the flick of a switch. He has Dan smiling in no time. Even after all this chaos, Phil still wants a life with Dan. Dan has surely put the poor man through it over the years, and Phil still wants him. All the cards were against Dan and somehow, he got luckier than he ever could have dreamed by meeting Phil. "A big plot of land, you say? How big?" He flirts, wondering if Phil will pick up on it. He jokes through laughter, "Talk dirty to me. I'll mow your lawn all day long, Beautiful." Dan considers, "Reckon we'll need plenty of space if we don't want the neighbors hearing us mowing all the time." Dan has quite the history with these thin London flat walls. He rarely has to introduce himself to neighbors, they usually already know his name by the time the introvert actually gets around to meeting them. Dan's long past worrying over it. It's an equally offensive situation, Dan often hears any number of neighbors fucking at odd hours, that's just a natural byproduct of living in London, thin walls conserve heat.   
12:48  
Charlie 🎄  
“Ugh. Alright, I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to live on that big plot of land by myself and mow my own lawn forever.” Phil says, shaking his head and taking another bite of his pizza. Leave it to Dan to turn Phil’s daydreaming into a dirty joke. Somehow Dan could find an innuendo in everything. Part of his charm, Phil tells himself. “But I’m serious. I want some space.” He says, leaning into Dan’s side. Phil grew up in a slightly more rural area. With lots of space to roam and explore, where it was safe for young kids to run around unsupervised with their friends all day. He didn’t want to live in the city, or in a packed subdivision where all the houses looked the same. He wanted a nice little house in the countryside with lots of space. Not too far from town, he thought. He didn’t want to live completely in the middle of nowhere. Just perhaps on the outskirts of nowhere.  
13:26  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs at Phil's rejection. He takes no offense at all. He agrees, "Me too. I think that would be really nice." When they last spoke about a forever home, things were different. Phil didn't understand Dan's experiences as well as he does now, and Dan was still struggling with his meds. They're both better for having come out the other end of all that. "Let's get out of the city. Let's go north." Dan wants to start a family with Phil someday maybe, and he doesn't want their children to go through any of what Dan did. They'll be happy and safe. "Not too north. Somewhere… accepting. I don't want to have to move again. I'm tired of moving. These London flats suck, I'm sick of moving all the time." Dan takes a big bite of food before looking through the TV for one of those ridiculously British house hunting shows. They're corny as hell, but it does help to see different parts of the UK without having to do any actual work.   
13:34  
Charlie 🎄  
“Somewhere north.” Phil agrees. Every time this conversation came up in the past, Phil had always mentioned settling somewhere at the midpoint. Between both their families, so they wouldn’t be too far from either. But he was beginning to understand a little better, why Dan wanted a bit more distance than that. The more Dan let him in, the more Dan told him, and the more Phil experiences Dan’s family first hand, the more he starts to realize that maybe a bit of distance is good. “Maybe somewhere outside of Manchester.” Phil says. “Then we’re close to town, close to my parents, but still like, off in our own little place.” He said. Their own little bubble. It would be nice to settle in a place neither of them had ever lived before. That would be an opportunity to truly start fresh, and make their life their own. “We need a big yard for the dog.” He smiles. “Needs to be a nice neighbourhood. With good schools.” He adds, though the kids conversation is something they haven’t gone into too much detail about just yet. “For the dog.” He chuckles, knowing it’s not a great save, but at least it’s funny.  
14:07  
May 🌈  
"I miss Manchester," Dan admits with a smile. That's where they fell in love over and over again. Their first flat was quite shit, but it didn't really matter, they were just excited to be together. Some of their best friends from uni are in Manchester, some of Phil's best childhood friends. Visiting Manchester is one of Dan's favorite trips to take, though they do so rarely. Dan wraps an arm around Phil's waist so he can lean in more comfortably. "Really, really good schools," Dan responds seriously. Just in case. They may never have children, but in case they do, Dan will make damn sure they never, ever feel unsafe at school. Phil understands. Dan isn't afraid of this conversation anymore. "Close enough to Manchester Uni so nobody ever has to do their own laundry." Dan smiles softly. It's a little bit of a joke, but not really. It's the most collected Dan's ever been toward the idea of kids. It hasn't come easily. This small bit of acceptance has come from years of therapy, time with Phil's family, and time away from Dan's family. It took this long for Dan to actually open up to Phil about a lot of things, most of them concerning Dan's family. Dan knows he isn't ready for kids yet and even the prospect of a deadline terrifies him, but he can stand to talk about it with some fondness.   
14:14  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles. This is progress. Making jokes about their future kids coming home to do their laundry is more than Dan might have said in the matter in the past. Phil knows it may not happen. Children may just not be a part of their future. And as much as he so desperately wants it to be, he understands why it might just not be in the cards. It’s a scary thought, being responsible for the lives of others. Being responsible for making sure that they turn into respectable adults. Phil does fear that parenthood will be something he’s just bad at. That he’ll worry too much, he’ll be too overprotective and sheltering. It’s a big responsibility that neither of them are ready for at this particular moment in time. Maybe someday. Maybe not. Time will tell. But something Phil knows for certain is that they’ll have each other. Two men and their dog living off in the countryside sounds just as good to Phil as any other alternative. Though he really does like babies. “I think Manchester is top of the list.” Phil smiles. Maybe not right in town. Outside of Manchester would be better. But somewhere in that area, for sure. They had good memories there.  
15:05  
May 🌈  
Realistically, Dan and Phil are better equipped than most to raise children. They're good people. They are kind and thoughtful, and they make a really good team. Dan knows how dark the world can be, Phil knows how light. They keep each other grounded. Phil has supportive family and more love to give than he knows what to do with. The truth is that Dan is afraid of a lot, but little more than he is afraid of becoming his father. He knows they have very little in common, but every time his mother mentions him sounding like the man or he looks in the mirror and sees his father's reflection, it pushes him further and further from any sort of comfort surrounding his identity. He is a pacifist, but he's terrified that he'll lose himself. Every man Dan's ever met in his father's family is violent. Truthfully, Dan's father is the least violent of them all. He struggled with his aggression, he doesn't want to be that way. What if Dan loses control? Children can be frustrating, what if Dan is overwhelmed like his father was? Dan couldn't survive that. He can survive a lot, but if he ever, ever hurt someone he loved, especially a child, Phil's child, he doesn't know how he could continue. There's no coming back from that. Dan needs to go through a lot of therapy before he'll be comfortable with parenthood. Phil doesn't know all of that. He doesn't understand those fears, and Dan's glad he doesn't have to. He kisses Phil's temple lingeringly, "Mm. I love you. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Wherever we are."   
17:46  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles. He’s done with his pizza now. He’s full, and he’s feeling... well, the same. They’ve talked it out a little bit, and that’s good. The whole thing feels about as clear as it did before, but at least they’re not hiding things. Phil understands that there isn’t much they can do. Dan wants to be more available to his mum, he wants to be there if she reaches out, but... his phone is turned off in the other room. It’s all still confusing, and Phil’s unsure if he’ll ever completely understand Dan’s family situation. He doesn’t have to fully understand. He just has to be there. And he will. Dan has always been there for Phil, and for Phil’s family. Phil feels like he hasn’t extended the same courtesy. It’s mostly because he’s never been allowed. But Dan is letting him in a little more now, and Phil doesn’t want to disturb this new trust. It’s a delicate balancing act. Dan’s trust always has been. “I love you too.” Phil breathes, smiling gently as he leans against Dan’s shoulder. It’s taken them a long time to reach this point. They’ve still got a long way to go. But they’re getting there.  
22:10  
May 🌈  
Dan isn't proud of the way he used to treat Phil. He never hurt him, surely, it was far the opposite. Dan struggled to get close to Phil and simultaneously couldn't stand to let him go. He sent mixed signals, surely, but the truth is that he's loved Phil through all of it in any way he's known how to love. If only he knew back then how to love. If only Phil didn't have to teach him that the hard way. Dan put Phil through so much grief. He didn't mean to, he didn't understand at the time. He's still learning to love Phil the right way, which is a really sad fact to face when he actually lets himself think about it. Isn't ten years long enough? Ten years of Phil's undying love and support isn't enough? This is why Dan believes Phil deserves better than him. Phil loves so easily, he deserves for someone to love him the same way. Dan's love has come frantically, desperately, and surely, with more than his fair share of fear. Afraid to stay and far, far, far more afraid to leave. Not easily, and absolutely none of that is Phil's fault. But Dan simply can't think like that anymore. He and Phil are soulmates, there's no separating them. Dan couldn't be more thankful to be here at this point with Phil, watching TV and chatting about what they do and don't like. For their own forever home. "I love that big sink. I've literally never seen a basin so big," and "Look at that garden! Phil, you would love that" and even "Oh, my God, I had no idea cottages are so fucking cute." It doesn't hurt like it used to. That familiar pain in Dan's chest isn't there. He isn't beating himself up for not being able to give Phil all he wants. Dan can do that, he just needs time. If Phil is willing to wait for him, Dan has no reason to hate himself for needing time. He has to stop hating himself, that's been a huge part of the problem here. So, he pushes those thoughts out and goes about his day so he can function and be here for Phil. The pizza is long gone by the time they're on the last Manchester episode of some house hunting series on Netflix. "I can't believe we lived in Manchester so long and never saw any of this. I don't recognize any of it, these places are so cute," Dan comments lightheartedly. He's excited about the prospect of going somewhere new, of growing, of starting a new chapter with Phil.  
22:18  
Charlie 🎄  
It has taken a long time, and a lot of effort, to get to this point. Maybe some couples in their shoes, who loved each other so much, and so fully, would have reached this stage long ago. But they hadn’t. And that was okay. When they met, Dan was barely 18, he was still a child in many ways. He was just learning how to be an adult, how to function on his own in the real world, and so was Phil. Phil had never really had a serious, long term relationship before Dan. Shirt little flings and summer romances and Sunday morning walks of shame, sure. But he’d never fallen in love. So when he fell in love with Dan, it opened up a whole new world to him that he never knew was possible. At the ripe old age of 22, Phil didn’t know if things with Dan would work out. All he knew is that he was willing to try. And he did try, for a long time. He was still trying. And sometimes, even now, it felt like he was trying too hard, for no payoff. But there was a payoff. Slowly but surely chopping away at the walls Dan kept around the innermost parts of himself. Getting occasional glimpses of the beautiful, loving, sensitive, angel of a man that had been locked away for his own protection. That was the payoff. And someday that man would be fully set free, and Phil had every intention to be here to greet him when it happened. “Well, when we lived in Manchester we were more concerned about which restaurants made deliveries. We weren’t really thinking about all this.” He chuckled.  
31 October 2019  
01:13  
May 🌈  
Part of Dan's struggle with Phil is that he's loved him so fully from the start. Dan was, and still often is overwhelmed by it. He feels a kind of love for Phil that takes away all control. Dan fell hard from the start, and he didn't know what he would do when he would inevitably lose Phil. It was difficult not to want to keep some distance. Phil was like nobody Dan had ever known, certainly nothing like any partner Dan has ever had before. Dan didn't know love could mean safety and comfort, he didn't know it didn't have to hurt. Phil is utterly amazing to Dan, but by the time he found Dan, Dan's walls were long built. Dan had already learned loss and pain, long lost his faith in love and good in the world. On a very unconscious level, it's been difficult not to expect the same patterns again, no matter what Phil and Dan do to prove to him otherwise. Phil will never abandon Dan, but something in Dan's bones just keeps on waiting for that day to come. Dan truly believes that infectiously happy, smiley little boy called Bear in family pictures is dead and gone, replaced with the ghost of a man who half the time can't remember for the life of him how to smile, but Phil doesn't see that. Phil keeps on believing for both of them. Dan needs Phil like the air he breathes. He wonders if Phil knows that no physical dependence or psychological addiction has more control of Dan than Phil. "You're right," Dan smiles - he remembers how to smile today. He fell entirely apart last night and Phil put him right back together again so he can smile once again. "It just seems we'd have noticed this. Some of these places are straight out of fairytale stories." At some point, holding Phil isn't quite enough for Dan, so he finds Phil's hand to hold, fingers gently intertwined. Even on his very best days, something in Dan is very deeply soothed by Phil's soft touch.  
03:11  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m sure we passed through that area once or twice.” Phil agrees. “I suppose we just didn’t notice because they were so out of our league back then.” He chuckled. When they moved in together, they’d been all but broke. They had no furniture for months. They scraped together just enough to pay their rent and their bills every month, they ate fast food and microwave meals for far too long. They had a little help from Phil’s parents, when they needed it. A debt Phil had long since returned. That was maybe one of his favourite things about being as financially comfortable as they were now. He loved being able to help out his parents in a pinch. He loved being able to get his mum nice jewelry, or a day trip to some lavish spa. He loved being able to assure that they were looked after. As much as he hated to admit it, they weren’t getting any younger. And that may be one of Phil’s biggest fears. He visited more often than he used to. He visited as often as he could, because he feared the day he’d visit and think to himself that they looked older, or weaker, or sicker than the last time. He knew that fear well, especially after his father got sick. When his condition could deteriorate in a matter of days. It was awful. But Phil had a silent sort of agreement with himself that his parents would never go without. They would always be taken care of. Whether that meant helping them pay their mortgage, or helping them fix their car, or, if the time came, finding the absolute best nursing home in England. They’d cared for Phil all his life, and he’d do the same in return. And with that on his mind, he spoke again. “We should make a trip up north sometime soon.” He says. “It’s been a while. It would be nice to see everyone.” he smiles. Their trips up north always had a few stops. They’d spend a few days with Phil’s parents, then a few days in Manchester with old friends. They always stopped to see Ian and Lauren, and their little girl, who was getting so big now. Plus a few other friends from university that they kept in touch with. They were due for a visit.  
1 November 2019  
00:26  
May 🌈  
Looking back, Dan is quite sure he hardly noticed architecture because all he had eyes for was Phil. He worked retail jobs here and there, none lasting too particularly long. YouTube was a massive help once Dan started getting ad revenue. He couldn't stop then, considering how shit he was at his actual job. And school. Things got a lot easier then. Without the stress of money on top of all of their other problems, Phil and Dan were really, really happy. They were proper adults. Being more than just financially stable and comfortable had been nicer than Dan imagined it might be. Dan never knew what that felt like until he and Phil became successful on YouTube. They could live without it, but they don't have to, and that's really nice all around. Most people in Dan's position don't get the luxury of taking weeks and months off work for mental illness breaks, they just suffer through. "Yeah, let's go. That sounds like so much fun. Whenever you think, love. Oh, we have to visit Ian and Lauren. I always see Emily on Instagram, I can't believe how much she's grown. She looks just like Lauren. I can't get over it." Dan adds, "I reckon she'll be taller than us when we see her next if she keeps at this rate."  
00:36  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods, smiling a little and giving Dan’s waist a soft squeeze. “Maybe next weekend or something?” He suggests. That gives him enough time to talk to everyone and make some plans, but it also gives them both a bit more time at home, to make sure that everything here is going to work out okay. Dan’s meds, and his family situation, and whatever else. Dan has always been Phil’s priority, and he always will be. He’ll always make sure Dan is stable before either of them do anything else. The last thing he wants is to push too far. But right now, it seems Dan is doing very well. Much better than normal. And Phil hopes it will stay this way, for a good long time.  
18:39  
May 🌈  
Any little touch gives Dan butterflies for Phil. He smiles at Phil absentmindedly, just feeling very in love with him. It's a bad habit, maybe: letting himself get caught up in Phil so easily, letting romanticized thoughts about Phil distract him. Dan doesn't think there's much he can do about that. It's gotten them into plenty of trouble by wasting video time and raising suspicion when they were closeted. "Perfect," Dan responds softly. A trip up north sounds really nice. Dan feels at home with Phil's family, far more so than he does with his own. They've always made Dan feel at home, ever since the first day they met him. Phil's parents' home is a safe, loving, happy place. He knows it is for Phil, too, though he's been experiencing more and more stress as his parents get older. Dan wishes there were something he could do. Phil's parents won't live forever. Dan doesn't know if he can pick up all the pieces of that inevitable catastrophe. He'll be here for Phil in every way he can be, he'll do all he can to help Phil through it. For now, though, things are very good. Phil's father is recovering. He's made all the lifestyle changes recommended (to the best of his ability), so the rest is in the hands of fate. Kathryn is tired. These past years have been overwhelmingly stressful on her. Dan wouldn't mind living close enough to see them once a week, maybe more, to help them as they grow older and just to spend more time with them. "Do you think Martyn and Cornie might like to join us? I know she's been busy recording lately.   
18:55  
Charlie 🎄  
“They might, yeah. I’ll talk to Martyn, see what they’re up to.” Phil said, smiling gently. It would be nice to have everyone together for a few days. Everyone’s schedules were so hectic and jumbled, it was sometimes difficult to get everyone in the same place at the same time. But it was worth trying. They hadn’t gone up north in a little while, and Phil missed them. He knew they’d both love to see Dan as well. He really was part of the family, in everyone’s eyes. And Phil knew they worried about him. Kathryn asked about him every time she called, which was often. They knew how Dan sometimes struggled, and they liked to check up on him. Phil knee that his mum sometimes just called Dan, and skipped over him completely. It was cute, if he was honest. He was so glad that Dan got along with his family so well. That was so important to Phil. And while he wished it were the same between himself and Dan’s family, he understood that it probably never would be.  
20:02  
May 🌈  
"That would be so nice," Dan nods. "We can make a whole weekend holiday of it. We can go to that museum Cornie's been wanting to see." Dan and Phil and Martyn and Cornelia have a lot of fun. It was never an intentional grouping, they just all love each other quite a lot. They have loads of fun together. They haven't seen each other in a long time, maybe before Dan and Phil came out online. They always spend so much time together, Dan can't quite remember. Kathryn, Dan hasn't seen since before his coming out video. She called him after she watched it the next day. It wasn't like how anyone else spoke to him about it. His own mother had called him crying. Kathryn, though? She called Dan and had a very nice conversation with him with the sole intent of making sure he was currently okay. That meant the world to him. She isn't exactly with it in the way Dan's mother is, but she made sure Dan knew that although she didn't understand entirely, she loves Dan. It was entirely selfless and Dan will literally never forget that. She told Dan she was proud of him and what he did was beautiful and would surely help people. Nobody will ever replace the relationship he shared with his own mother when he was very young, but Kathryn is well aware Dan considers her a second mother. Dan's relationship with Phil's father is more mutual respect. The older man is fun, hilarious, and infectiously positive. Also reserved, but that hasn't thus far proved a problem with Dan. Considering Dan's horribly shit relationship with his own father, he certainly doesn't have any complaints. They talk about football together sometimes, though Dan's knowledge is quite limited. They talk about cars on quiet nights when everyone else has long gone to bed and Phil's father can't quite make it up the stairs without assistance. They talk about Phil, but that's a given. Never anything of too much substance, but that's more than okay with both of them. Dan's never felt completely comfortable with intimacy, and neither has Phil's father, so they have that in common, at least. Dan loves Phil's family, and he wants that same experience for Phil, but Dan just can't force that. Maybe someday Karen will get professional mental help or Adrian will overcome his father's shit parenting, but for now, all Dan can realistically hope for is for his grandmother to be hospitable with Phil when they happen to see her. "Kath will be thrilled."  
20:14  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods. It will be nice to get away from London for a while, even if it’s just a few days. It’s always nice to get away. “She’s been bugging me to bring you home again.” Phil chuckled. “She said she wants to celebrate, when she sees you next.” He smiled, letting one hand rest against Dan’s leg. A lot had happened since their last visit. They’d both come out, for one. Which was big. Phil’s parents had known for ages, of course. Phil had never really kept it a secret, and when Dan started coming around they really just put the pieces together on their own. But still, he knew how immensely proud his parents were, of both of them, but Dan in particular. Dan’s video had been a lot more serious, a lot heavier, and a lot more emotional. It was a lot of information to put out into the world, and it was a really big step for Dan. Everyone was proud of him. And Phil knew that his mum really wanted to congratulate him properly. They both adored Dan so much. And it was no wonder. Dan was truly so amazing, everyone who met him seemed to love him. He just had that kind of charming affect on people.  
20:52  
May 🌈  
Dan tries really hard not to cringe at the thought of the whole Lester family, plus Cornelia, celebrating Dan. It sounds horrifying, but Dan tries to divert instead of deflect, "We can celebrate us." They all know it isn't the same, but Dan could literally not possibly stand everyone celebrating him. His birthday is difficult enough, and he did celebrate that around the time of the coming out video. Besides, everyone knew Dan and Phil were together, they just never made that explicitly clear. Dan tries not to let himself feel too anxious about going back to Rawtenstall after that. Ironically, he feels the best about seeing Phil's father. He'll never bring any of it up with Dan, or anyone else for that matter. He'll totally let it go and pretend it never happened, which is very comforting to Dan. Kath, though? She'll be all too comforting, all too supportive, Dan is sure. It will be a big embarrassing, adorable mess. At least if it's for both of them, Dan can pretend it's all for Phil. Besides, Dan doesn't want to take any of Phil's parents' attention away from him. This is Phil's moment, too. Dan holds Phil's hand on his thigh, "You're ready?" Phil's been out, buy maybe this is different for him, too. For Phil's parents to know his boyfriend has a history of suicide, mental illness, that he was nearly bullied to death as a teenager, that's a lot. Dan isn't just edgy or nerdy, he's a known mess.   
21:03  
Charlie 🎄  
“I told her not to go full mum.” Phil assured, chuckling softly. He knew how much Dan hated being the center of attention for too long. “She just wants to... like, congratulate you, I guess. In person.” He smiled. And when Dan asked his question, Phil nodded. “Of course I’m ready.” He said. His parents already knew, of course. They’d known Phil was gay since he was a teenager, even if he hadn’t officially told them until much later. Phil had been out for so long in his personal life that it really wasn’t a big deal to him anymore. But for Dan, it was a lot more fresh and new. And he talked about a lot more than just his sexuality. He touched on a lot of important, heavy topics. He’d opened up about a lot all at once, and that was a really major step. But Phil knew when Dan asked, it meant more than that. He was worried about what people would think. About what Phil’s parents would think, specifically. “They’re proud of you, you know.” Phil assured, smiling gently. Phil recalled the morning after Dan posted his video. He’d received a teary call from his mum, and immediately he’d assumed something was wrong with his dad. But as it turned out, she was just moved to tears by Dan, so touched by his video that she couldn’t help sniffling a little over the phone. Phil didn’t blame her. He’d done his fair share of weeping over Dan’s video as well.  
23:54  
May 🌈  
Dan scoffs at Phil's defense, "If I wasn't scared before, I am now. Full Mum Mode for Kath is a lot, Phil." It's all playful, though. Kathryn's full Mum Mode is endearing. It means she truly loves Dan. "Yeah," Dan responds simply, struggling at first to process that. Even after all this time, it does take him a bit off guard to think that Phil's parents like him at all, let alone love and support him. Dan felt deeply hated and worthless for many years, that isn't an internalization that goes away easily. Just as his therapist taught him, he pushes past those bad thoughts and reminds himself of all the good times he's had with Phil's family. They love him. He is a good person, he deserves for them to love him. Maybe he doesn't quite believe that yet, but he's getting there. "Yeah," Dan says more confidently. "Have I mentioned lately that I adore your family? Actually." Phil must know by now how much this all means to Dan: feeling sort of part of a functional group of people. "I want to live closer to your parents. London is too far, really. I don't know why you agreed to move out of Manchester," Dan jokes. Back then, they needed to be in the big city for their careers. London is where it was all happening. It gave them what they needed, but they don't need that anymore. They have established careers, they have the contacts they want, and they can always come back for business trips. This part of their lives is just about over.  
2 November 2019  
00:01  
Charlie 🎄  
“We’ll start looking, soon.” Phil promised. That really was the next step for them. A house was something they could manage. They were both so sick of renting, and while they entered into this new phase of their lives where they began settling down, a house was a very good first step. A little place that was fully their own, to paint, and decorate, and do whatever they pleased, without the approval of a landlord. If they wanted to paint the walls a vibrant green, they could. If they wanted to get a big rowdy dog, they could. If they wanted to bust out all the walls and replace them entirely with stained glass, they were free to do so. That kind of freedom and independence would be good for them. And it would allow them to have a space to make their own lives, a place where they could have some room to grow. Phil truly, truly wanted that. “I even thought about buying land, and building our own house.” He admits, chuckling lightly. “But that might be too much work for us.” He smiles. Phil’s not exactly a handyman. His father bought him a drill when he moved out, and Phil’s certain it’s never been out of the box. It’s become something of an ongoing joke, really.  
00:12  
May 🌈  
Dan tries not to be judgmental. Phil sometimes has very outlandish ideas without realizing how utterly ridiculous they are, but Dan never gets to see the precious ways in which Phil's mind works if he shuts him down. Phil's honest imagination is one of the most beautiful parts of him. Dan furrows his brows curiously, "Build our own house like… you and I? Physically building walls and floors and a ceiling? Or designing our own house on paper and contracting a professional to do the dirty work?" He plays with Phil's fingers in his hands absentmindedly, totally caught up in the idea of making a dream house entirely their own. Dan wouldn't have any idea where to start, "Reckon the second one might be doable, darling. Maybe we can paint a room together and have pizza like they do in the movies. But really, we'd design a beautiful house. What do you have in mind?" Dan just loves when he gets Phil on about something. It could be anything at all, Dan's idea of a good time is listening to Phil talk on end. His voice, his thoughts, the way he expresses himself, the excitement in his eyes, it's all beautiful to Dan.  
00:20  
Charlie 🎄  
“Well we’d need some help.” Phil laughed. “But we could do some of it ourselves, surely.” He chuckled. “It would be expensive and time consuming, but imagine? Our own place, that we designed and put together exactly for us? We could do whatever we want. We could put in a nice pool, and you could lay out in the summer the way you like. I’d want a nice front porch, where I could sit and be old and shout at the neighbourhood kids.” He grinned, squeezing Dan a little closer. “We could have those floor to ceiling windows we always wanted, and a breakfast bar, like we had in Manchester. All our favourite things from all the places we’ve lived, all together in one space.” He smiled. It really was a little fantasy of his. He had absolutely no idea how realistic it was. But it was nice to think about all the little details they could include if they got to design their own perfect house.  
00:45  
May 🌈  
Dan has no idea exactly what Phil thinks they can meaningfully contribute to a construction project so massive, but he's just so very adorable talking this way, Dan's skepticism fades away easily enough. Phil really does think about the world in a very different way than Dan, and Dan needs that. Dan has a very get-what-you-get survivalist approach to life. At his core, Dan wants a quiet life with Phil, avoiding conflict at every turn. That is more than enough to make him overwhelmingly happy. Phil, though? Phil is the dreamer between them. Fame, world tours, more money than they know what to do with, fancy trips, children… Phil wants the world and worlds beyond and Dan wants to share that with him. Dan never would have imagined this life for himself in his wildest dreams. Phil taught Dan to dream, to want, to live. Dan wouldn't trade that for anything. A personal pool in England, for God's sake. "A Jacuzzi," Dan adds quietly, smiling brightly. "And a garden. And one of those bench swings so I can sit with you while you yell at children. So we can be old together.." Dan teases, "No glass doors or walls. You'll only get clumsier, we've got to take preventative measures. Really, designing our own house is just too prevent the amount of concussions in this family. It's the only way."  
00:56  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles brightly when Dan starts pitching in ideas of his own. He doesn’t really expect it. Dan has always been very minimalist in nature. He could truly survive with nothing but a roof over his head. No belongings, no trinkets or knickknacks or furniture. Dan never seems to miss home when they leave, and he’s quite indifferent to the concept of owning things and having possessions. And it’s not that Phil is materialistic. He’s sentimental. He’ll hold onto anything that has a happy memory attached. He still has hoodies from ten years ago that no longer fit, just because they have pleasant feelings attached to them. He can only imagine what that would be like if they actually built their own house. That sentiment would be nailed into every wall, every countertop, every tile, and every window. God, that would be wonderful. But if that wasn’t a realistic dream, then Phil would settle for buying a house and forcing sentiment upon it. They’d make any house a home, as long as they were together. “Well maybe if we’re going to start house hunting, we should take a look at a few open fields, just in case.” He chuckled.  
08:04  
May 🌈  
Dan is sentimental, of course, he isn't a sociopath. He just finds sentiment in people. Phil, principally. Phil is all the home Dan needs. Wherever they are, so long as they have four walls to give them a bit of privacy, that's just as much home to Dan as any other. Dan agrees easily, liking the idea of the experience of building a house together a lot more than the idea of having a brand new house, "Location, location, location. I'll keep an eye out. We can always totally renovate a house with good bones, as well." The good news is they have the option to do whatever the fuck they want. If they want to blow a fuckton of money on this, they can, because they worked hard and they got lucky. "We could do that, though. Actually. It means we would live in London a couple extra years, or we might move to a flat in Manchester to be closer to the project, but really. I love that idea. That would be really special. If you actually have the energy for this, I want to do it." Dan has mastered the art of letting Phil down easy, he thinks. He loves Phil's day dreams and he doesn't want that to stop just because one idea was a bit much. This, though, is doable.   
11:21  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles. He hadn’t honestly been expecting Dan to be on board with this idea. Phil wasn’t overly attached to it, he was fine with any option they decided to go with. But the fact that Dan seemed excited about it was more than Phil expected. “You sure?” He asks. “Moving is stressful enough on its own, I can’t imagine how stressful renovating or building is.” He chuckled. Moving was stressful. They both knew that well. Phil was sure he’d read somewhere that moving was one of the most stressful life events. And he believed it. But at the end of the day, moving just meant packing up all your shit and taking it somewhere else. Usually to a building that was already standing. Typically you didn’t have to build that somewhere else from the ground up first. But it hadn’t been the first time they’d considered renovating. A couple of years ago they’d looked into a place here in London. It was old and completely run down, it was dirt cheap, and they’d considered fixing it up and re-selling it. But in the end, life was too busy, and Phil was fairly certain the place was haunted, What with the three murders and all. That was enough to bleed Phil’s excitement dry. So that little plan had never happened, and maybe that was for the best. That was another benefit of building their own house, he supposed. No ghosts. But he didn’t pitch that one to Dan.  
3 November 2019  
00:02  
May 🌈  
Dan clarifies, "Look, I'm not physically building a house with you. Your fantasies are cute, but we're overgrown twinks, babe. Never gonna happen. But you and I designing a house? That sounds like one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities you're so good at coming up with." Dan gives Phil an exaggerated wink and chuckles, "Actually, though. We can have fun with it. Just… remember that it's supposed to be fun. That's all." Dan takes a moment to figure out how to articulate without crossing any boundaries, "I know how much it means to you for things to be… our own." Dan doesn't believe in ghosts. Period. Phil does, though, and Dan can see the themes surrounding that scaring Phil, they're all the things that send Dan into existential crises: death, loss, eternal loneliness, the ultimate meaningless of life, and all the fear surrounding that. The ghosts Phil's so afraid of are all the people who have come before him and experienced all those human experiences that terrify Phil, warning him of what's to come. Dan understands, he just doesn't experience that in the same way. To Dan, those fears are always there. Phil can forget until something reminds him of it: an old house, perhaps. Mention of death, being apart from Dan or Phil's parents too long, etc. Dan wants to protect Phil from that all he can, "I think it would be good for us to start brand new." No old, bad ghosts to creep up on Phil unexpectedly. "I actually think it might be less stressful than trying to find someplace nobody's ever died in before. Christ." He rubs his face, remembering how many beautiful flats they passed up on because someone had died in one. Someone's died in all of them, they're old apartments.  
00:16  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil laughed softly at that, at the way Dan tried to tiptoe around it. It was cute. But Phil knew what he meant. Everyone believed in ghosts. Just not in the same way. Some people believed in an afterlife. A persons spirit remaining behind to bother the living. Phil supposed Maybe it wasn’t /that/, that he believed in, so much as the concept of being surrounded by other people’s negative energies. Like that old house they’d looked at. Legally, the realtor had to tell them what happened there. And it wasn’t pretty, or pleasant to hear about. It wasn’t the houses fault, of course. But that memory would always be in there, in the walls, and the floors. If they’d bought it, and lived in it, they’d always live there knowing the fate of previous tenants. If they sold it, they’d be obligated to tell the buyer, and /they/ would always live there, knowing. Phil didn’t want to know that kind of thing. He loved the idea of building. Knowing they were truly the only people to ever live there. To make sure they didn’t leave the house with ghosts for someone in the future to think about. It would be a place with happy, positive memories, for them, for their future children, and for anyone who may eventually end up there long in the future. “We’ll look into it. But it’s not the end all be all. We’ll look at houses too, we might find something perfect.” He smiled. They’d consider all their options. Weigh the pros and cons. They always did, before making big decisions like this.  
00:30  
May 🌈  
Dan will always want to protect Phil. That infectious laugh and bright, wholesome, lovely smile, who in Dan's shoes wouldn't? After looking at what seemed at the time like every eligible flat in London and thoroughly traumatizing Phil with the horrible details of random people who don't have to mean anything to Phil, Dan took the initiative to quietly email their real estate agent to arrange for her to directly and privately tell Dan the dirty details of all the deaths that had ever occurred in each apartment ahead of time so Phil didn't have to hear it. Of course, she couldn't legally lie to Phil if he asked about the deaths, but so long as he didn't, she agreed not to tell. Considering it isn't her favorite part of the job, she was more than happy to accommodate Phil's anxieties. Dan doesn't think they'd ever have found a place to live without the arrangement. So long as there were no murders, Dan doesn't see why a flat wouldn't be perfectly safe to live in. Dan plans to organize a similar situation with a new realtor as their last is based in London. He'll figure it all out, he's sure. "Who knows?" Dan presses a lingering kiss to Phil's temple. He would do anything for Phil and be happy to do so, "It'll be perfect because it'll be ours. I know."  
00:40  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, and holds Dan a little closer again. He was right. No matter where they ended up, Phil knew it would be perfect for them. This move was different. It was their forever home. They wouldn’t settle for anything less than perfect. Apartments were a little different. They were temporary. They were never going to live here, or in the last flat, or in the Manchester flat, forever. They were all temporary. Their forever home would be a much more permanent arrangement, and as such, needed to be right for them. They couldn’t settle for something that was just okay, the way they could with a flat. “I’m so excited to do all this with you.” Phil breathed. “We’re ready, I think.” He smiled. “We’re not as busy now as we used to be. Things are a lot more... chill, now.” He smiles. Homeowning was a commitment they could handle now, at this stage in their lives. It was something they couldn’t have handled five years ago. But they could handle it now. Phil knew they could.  
10:15  
May 🌈  
Dan runs his fingers through Phil's hair even though it's daytime because it's a lazy day. Without the usual gel, his hair is soft and fair. The black dye makes it look thicker, but Phil is still a ginger blond underneath. "Yeah, we're actually home sometimes these days," Dan jokes. The world tour was a lot. It took a lot of energy from both of them for different reasons. Dan's depression inevitably took over and the post-tour crash took him really, really hard. He feels his new medication this week is finally taking him out of that low. Phil, though, he just got painfully homesick. Dan did his best to make the tour bus homey, hold Phil just like he did at home, and had Martyn send daily pictures of Phil's houseplants, but it wasn't the same. Phil's a homebody at heart, he needs stable roots. It's important for him to come home to Dan and the plants and their bed and the rest of the flat at the end of the day. It isn't in itself so important to Dan, but it's important to Phil, so it is to Dan. Dan feels better when Phil is stable and calm, though admittedly, it isn't exactly a common phenomena. "I think it'll be really nice once we're there. In our home, like, our real home. I don't think we'll actually ever leave again. We'll officially retire. Full time house… husbands. Or whatever."   
10:29  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, enjoying the feeling of Dan’s fingertips combing lightly through Phil’s Unstyled hair. It’s so nice to just be home. Phil loves to travel, he loves getting out and seeing the world and having fun. But he gets so dreadfully homesick after a while. And that makes touring quite hard. It’s different, if they’re just in holiday. Away for a week or two. It takes about that long for him to really start feeling the effects of being away. Being away for months on end was really rough. As much fun as it was, and as happy as he was that they’d done it, he was glad they never had to do it again. He always took his own pillow when he traveled, just for a sense of familiarity. But it wasn’t long before the smell of his own laundry detergent faded away, and even that could no longer soothe him. It was even the same whenever they moved. As dumpy as their last apartment had been, Phil had genuinely missed it. He still did, though he was far more settled here now. Phil was sentimental when it came to objects, and also when it came to places. It’s why they so often made a point to walk past the old Manchester flat when they visited. And it’s part of the reason Phil wasn’t so keen on buying an old house. He truly believed that houses and apartments and every building really, would sort of absorb the memories and the energies that took place within it. If a place had seen a lot of negativity, or destruction, or bad memories, then some of that was bound to rub off on anyone who moved in, right? That was silly. It was crazy, and more than likely just an odd symptom of his anxiety, but he believed it. He didn’t want to deal with the ghosts of generations of other people’s negative experiences. Or maybe he was just insane. “House husbands. I like that.” Phil chuckles, pressing a soft kiss against Dan’s jaw. “Feels kind of crazy, doesn’t it? That there’s still so many things to do?” He says softly. They’d been together for so long now, sometimes it felt like they’d progressed as far as they ever would. But there was so much more out there, if they chose to pursue it. So many more little steps they could take together. It was nice to think about.  
10:52  
May 🌈  
Dan would never think Phil's insane, and even if he did, he would never judge Phil for it. Dan doesn't believe in ghosts, but he believes in Phil. If Phil feels bad energy, Dan trusts that he does. Dan doesn't say that lightly. Dan uses those ghost cues to determine what Phil needs. Sometimes, it's unnecessary, and Dan just needs to change Phil's perception of the ghost situation, but usually, it means Phil needs some comfort. Dan is more than happy to provide. "Me, too," Dan turns a bit to cozy in some more with Phil. "It does. Really. I like the way we do things. If we had done all this really early on before we're really there like some people do… we wouldn't be us. I can't imagine doing the marriage, baby, family thing so soon. Everything we've done and been through… bringing little kids into that? Planning a house, a wedding, I don't know how people rush that stuff. We wouldn't have enjoyed it." Dan's just pillow talking, not really thinking all that deeply about what he's saying.  
11:01  
Charlie 🎄  
“No, you’re right. We’ve always waited until we’re ready.” He nodded. They didn’t take big decisions lightly, neither of them. They both wanted to make sure that whatever they did, they did because they truly wanted to, and because they knew they could handle it. And that was twice as true for things as big as marriage, and moving house, and starting a family. And sometimes it was hard to tell, how ready they were. Phil knew that. Sometimes it felt like they were more ready for something than they truly were. Phil would never let on to Dan, not in a million years, but this wasn’t the first time he’d considered things like marriage. A few years ago now, back when they took their trip to Japan, Phil had considered it very, very hard. He’d gone so far as to actually buy a ring. He had every intention to propose on that trip, because it was the one holiday out of many that meant the most to them, and Phil felt ready. But Dan wasn’t. Phil could just tell. And he’d backed out. The ring never left his coat pocket, the question never left his lips. It felt wrong, there was never a right moment. He’d promptly returned the ring when they returned to London, and it was a secret he’d carried with him since. But he was glad for that, now. It wouldn’t have worked, then. Dan would have said no. Or he’d have said yes, because he felt obligated, and it would have blown up in their faces later. Phil trusted his intuition. It had never led him wrong yet. “There’s no rush.” He smiles softly, one hand slipping just beneath the fabric of Dan’s shirt, just to feel a little closer. “It’ll all happen when it’s meant to.”  
11:18  
May 🌈  
If Dan is going to marry anyone, it will be Phil. That's been one of Dan's fundamental truths for years. There is nobody for Dan after Phil, that's all there is. For Dan, the question hasn't been 'will you marry me?' so much as 'can you be married to me?' Dan feels himself getting closer to that place, but for Dan, it isn't a matter of commitment, passion, and intimacy, it's all the nuances of those dimensions. Can Dan consistently be here for Phil? His mental health poses a serious threat to that. Can he give Phil all he needs and dreams of? Dan doesn't even have a family to offer to Phil as in-laws, let alone the mental healing to be able to raise children with him. At the end of it all: can he let Phil in? Not just the first few layers, but all of it. Can Dan clean and heal all those darkest parts of him so they're safe for Phil? He knows he's overthinking it, but if he's going to overthink anything, it should be this. Dan can commit himself to trying with everything he has, which is why he's here with Phil, but he can't promise he can make all those things happen. He's nearly there, just not quite yet. Dan knows Phil would marry him, anyway. Phil is all too patient and kind and good for his own good. Dan won't let himself hurt Phil like that. Dan incidentally lets silence take over then before he realizes he's brought up the topic of marriage and then just left Phil hanging, "I- yeah. It will." Even that is hard for Dan to say aloud. It feels too much like a promise. He just doesn't want to break Phil's heart. Dan knows he'll never want to leave Phil, and he won't, but maybe he isn't ready to say that just yet. "I love you," Dan tries for damage control, feeling a little like he's fucking up.   
11:29  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can feel the change in the air, the slight drop in Dan’s energy, and he knows that maybe it’s time to step back from this conversation. The thought of marriage makes Dan nervous. This particular conversation never lasts long, before it becomes too uncomfortable to continue. And that’s why Phil knows that now is not the time. It’s how he knew that Japan was not the time. As long as the marriage conversation makes Dan even minutely uncomfortable, then it’s not the time. Part of Phil has sort of resigned himself to letting that question be Dan’s to ask. He’d always sort of imagined that he would be the one to propose to Dan. But that came with too much risk. Phil was ready. More than ready to commit to Dan in that way. He’d been ready for years. Dan wasn’t ready. So, when Dan was ready, Dan could pop the question. There was no threat of Phil saying no. Not that a no would be the end of the world. Phil could propose right now, right here like this, and it was likely Dan would turn it down. Phil knew that. And it was okay. It would hurt, it would be upsetting, of course. But Phil would much rather the honesty. He decides to drop it for now, though. “I love you too.” He smiles, reaching for the throw blanket they keep on the sofa, and draping it over them, before laying down and coaxing Dan to lay with him.  
12:48  
May 🌈  
"Fuck, I'm sorry," Dan manages as he lies down with Phil and cuddles up closely, wanting to chase his nerves away. Phil is beyond perfect. He takes such good care of Dan, and Dan just doesn't feel he does the same for Phil. Maybe he's enough for Phil, but he isn't enough for himself. "It-it isn't about you at all. It's all me. I'm sorry. I'm working on it." He doesn't think he has many more words for it than that. All wrapped up in Phil's embrace, Dan knows himself to be an asshole for doing this to Phil. It isn't exactly dragging him along, Dan knows he has every intention to spend the rest of his life with Phil. He's just making Phil wait. A really long time. For something that really isn't half as big a deal as Dan's making out of it. He just knows he'll freak out beyond his control if he agrees to something like this before he's truly ready. Dan assures, "You know how I feel about you. I want to go into something like… marriage." The word has all too much weight to it, "The right way. Just with love, right? And I'm still working on that. For myself." He tries not to joke about how he hates himself anymore, that was never a particularly good idea.  
12:59  
Charlie 🎄  
“Dan. Shh.” Phil smiles, wrapping him up and holding him closely. “Don’t work yourself up. I’m in no rush.” He promises. He doesn’t care if they ever get married, really. It’s a formality, if anything. It’s not like their actual relationship will change. There’s not much difference, Phil thinks, between being boyfriends and being husbands. Just the title. The last name, if one or both of them choose to change it. Some legal stuff, here and there. But fundamentally, marriage will change nothing about their actual relationship, at its core. And so it’s not a necessity. It’s a nice option, and something to think about, but if it never happens, Phil’s okay with it. “We’re going to be together regardless, my love. The legalities of that can wait as long as we need.” He promises. But he knows what Dan is worried about. He’s always worried that Phil will leave. Right now, as boyfriends, with no legal ties to each other, Phil could just go. So could Dan. If either of them wanted this to end it was as simple as walking out the door. Once they were married, it became more of a lengthy, stressful, expensive process. And Dan didn’t want Phil to feel trapped. Maybe Dan himself didn’t want to feel trapped. Phil could understand. Not that either of them had any intention to break up, but Phil supposed things happened. Any relationship had the potential to break down. But he didn’t want to think about that. They were fine. They were happy, and they wanted to be together, and so they would. Marriage or not, they were both in this for the long run.  
13:50  
May 🌈  
Dan nods in agreement, but that's all he can really manage at the moment. At the end of the day, Dan and Phil have different conceptions of marriage, and Dan needs to fix that. Phil won't leave him, he needs to get that into his thick head. The next step is to stop wanting Phil to leave, just to get it over with. Dan is not hurting Phil by staying with him. Phil loves Dan for good reason. That's a hard thing for Dan to accept, but he has to. Dan doesn't know what to say, so he hides his face on Phil's neck and tries to let it go. This is a sensitive topic, to say the least. All of Dan's insecurities wrapped into one massively intense life goal. Dan can hardly stand to even talk about it and Phil is more than understanding. Dan wishes they could just be married already. Skip the whole fiasco and just wake up one morning next to Phil with a ring on his finger and a new name on his passport. That part of marriage, Dan can manage. But the rest of it? Vows, the ceremony, the paperwork, children… Thinking too much on it all will surely give Dan a panic attack because it all reminds Dan that he doesn't believe he's enough for Phil. Too young, too immature, too damaged, too complicated, too distant, too much and not enough at the same time. What if all of this is just Dan trying to be someone he can never be? Surely, Dan doesn't deserve Phil's vows, his name, his life. Dan makes a note to bring it up again with his therapist when he next sees her. He needs to get over this. Dan slips his fingers under Phil's shirt. With the soothing feeling of fingertips on soft skin, he calms himself back down quickly enough. Phil and Dan love each other. Nobody is leaving, even though they surely could. Phil could get up right now and leave Dan forever, but he won't. Nothing could push him to do that. Dan focuses on breathing, feeling like an idiot for having to do so, especially over something so basic and central to the human experience. He listens for Phil's heartbeat under his skin and soon enough, he's okay.  
14:00  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil knows better than to speak. Dan needs this time to just be in his head, calming himself down. Phil won’t interrupt, as he knows this process is important. Just letting Dan think, and identify what’s upsetting him, so that he can work to solve it. One day, Dan is going to understand. He’s going to believe that Phil loves him, and he’s going to believe that he deserves that. But today, it’s still something Dan struggles with. And Phil struggled with it too, in the beginning. In a different way. Sometimes it felt like he wasn’t doing enough to /prove/ that he loved Dan. Like he wasn’t making it clear enough, he wasn’t loving Dan as much, or as loudly, or as obviously as he should. He was doing something wrong, making Dan feel unwanted and unloveable. It took some time for him to learn and understand that Dan’s brain was just wired to believe that good things were just bad things in disguise. Phil had no idea how to help rewire Dan’s silly, silly brain. All he knew, was to just be here. Love Dan as plainly and blatantly as he could. Take Dan’s fears and consistently prove them wrong. That’s all Phil could do. And so, as he felt Dan beginning to relax again, Phil pressed a silent kiss against his temple. Just a tiny reminder that he was here, and he cared, and Dan was free to talk about anything he needed.  
22:46  
May 🌈  
Phil's quiet presence means everything to Dan. Phil doesn't have to talk him down, Dan wants to be able to do that himself. He just needs Phil to be here. It makes all the difference. Dan kisses just behind Phil's ear very softly to show his love and his gratitude. Dan isn't going to push the subject of marriage, he just isn't in a good place for it right now. He doesn't want to start something with Phil and be unable to properly explain himself so Phil isn't left feeling confused or hurt. "Love you," Dan perks up after a few moments, recovering quickly enough from the threat of that bad place. This kind of thing might knock him out all night if not longer unmedicated. "Do you want to go watch the sunset tonight, love? It looks good out, I think the rain might hold off until tonight." The sunset is always prettiest this time of year. Just enough clouds to reflect all the pinks and oranges and reds and purples. "We'll bring an umbrella just in case." Dan's voice is low, but he feels confident enough. He tucks away all those bad thoughts, this isn't the time or the place. He'll see his therapist in just a few days and he'll work on it. There's no need for Phil to be weighed down by this, too.  
22:53  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles softly, and gives Dan another gentle squeeze. He hadn’t meant to push the conversation too far. It had gone from innocent chitchat to something more serious than Dan was ready for, and Phil did feel bad. He shouldn’t, of course. It wasn’t his fault that Dan’s fight or flight response was set off at the tiniest signs. It was okay. It was just something to be more mindful of. Phil would try not to bring it up again, because there was no sense in upsetting Dan unnecessarily. When the time was right, when Dan felt ready, they could take that step. Or not. Right now, he seemed to recover quickly. He brushed it off with ease, and the conversation swiftly changed to something more present. “That sounds really nice, love.” Phil smiled. They could take a little walk, watch the sunset, then they’d come home, maybe have a nice warm shower or a bath, Phil would try to encourage Dan to check his phone, just in case, and then they could crawl into bed and get some rest.  
4 November 2019  
02:39  
May 🌈  
Phil's little reassuring touches and squeezes and kisses are more than enough to soothe Dan's troubled mind. Dan has to stop being so hard on himself. He really thought he was ready for this talk. Maybe it's just too soon after seeing his mother last night. How can he feel comfortable marrying Phil after last night? They're both sensitive right now. Dan thinks positively: maybe the timing is just wrong. As it's been wrong for the better half of ten years now. How much longer is Dan going to wait to be happy and to live his life the way he wants? When will he be free of his trauma to live in peace? He and Phil are good people. They deserve that happily ever after, too. For now, they just have to settle for where they are now, which isn't all that bad, really. It's lovely. Dan ponders aloud, "I wonder if the ducks have gone yet. It's getting quite cold." Dan has a small handful of sunset locations in mind on case their usual park is a disappointment. Dan wouldn't be surprised, this time of year. He stays right where he is in Phil's arms, though, no intention to leave until just before sunset. He'll milk this moment as long as he can manage. Dan's hand under Phil's shirt rubs his back, hoping he feels comfortable, too. Tomorrow will be better.  
03:07  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is in no rush to get up either. He hunkers down under the blanket a little more, humming happily at the feeling of Dan’s warm hands against his skin. He loves cuddling up with Dan. He’s so warm, all the time. And this time of year, that’s so lovely. He’s so cozy, he smells nice, there are really no downsides to this. So Phil stays put a while longer, arms wrapped around Dan’s body, face buried close against his shoulder. “They were still there a few days ago.” Phil recalls. But perhaps they had packed up and gone. It was starting to dip below freezing at night, and that pond couldn’t possibly be a nice place to sleep. If they hadn’t gone yet, they’d certainly go soon. Vacationing in Italy for the winter, Phil recalled, their silly little conversation. They really should go on holiday again. In the new year, perhaps. Things should feel a little more normal in their lives by then, Phil hoped. They were starting to come out the other side of this rough patch. Dan’s mum was the biggest concern at the moment, at least for Phil. But that situation was largely out of their control.  
5 November 2019  
00:33  
May 🌈  
Dan takes his good, old, sweet time with Phil under the thin blanket. It'll be cold outside once they decide to leave, so Dan gives Phil all the warmth he can now, hoping some of it will linger beneath Phil's big coat later. It's ridiculously long and very fluffy on the inside, but it keeps Phil cozy and warm, so Dan finds it very attractive. "Mm," Dan responds softly, wondering when exactly the ducks chose to leave. He wonders if they all left at once, or if they decided individually and met up once in the air? That would be quite the sight to see: dozens of ducks lifting up off the freezing pond together. Naturally, when Dan and Phil make it down to the park, the ducks are all gone for the season. Dan and Phil find the pond isn't frozen over yet, but Dan won't dare touch the cold water. "That's all, folks," Dan jokes with a sigh. The water looks so still without all the little ripples from the ducks swimming around. The fish inside have all began to hibernate, as well, so the pond is ready for winter. Dan doesn't find any trouble at all holding Phil's hand today, the park is practically deserted, as though the London crowd can sense the first snow coming. Dan comments, "I'm excited to see all the baby ducklings in the spring. They're so fluffy and cute."  
03:19  
Charlie 🎄  
The pond looks so desolate and empty. A little bit eerie, in the golden light of the end of the day, just a little bit of fog hovering above the waters surface. The water must be warmer than the air, still. But all the life is gone. The change of season always felt a little melancholy, in a way. When everything began to die, when the world appeared to fall apart and bare its bones, when it seemed like everything was changing and nothing would be the same again. But it never lasted long. In just a few months it would all change again. For the better. And Phil supposed life was a bit like that too. But he lets himself be pulled out of those thoughts when Dan talks about the baby ducks. “And they always come so much closer than the older ones. They’re so curious and sweet.” Phil smiles. The little ones would often wander right up to your feet, peeping away, happy as can be. And it would never be long before mum would come chase them off and gather them up, probably all the while giving them a long duck-lecture about the dangers of talking to strangers. “It’s so quiet here tonight.” Phil comments lightly, glancing around. There’s almost nobody here. And Phil knows that’s the reason he can feel Dan’s warm hand wrapped around his own. They were still working on that. Phil couldn’t recall a time when they’d ever had a public issue with their affection. But, he supposed the idea of being affectionate at all outside of their own home was a new concept to both of them. So Phil just squeezes Dan’s hand with a gentle smile. It all takes time.  
08:37  
May 🌈  
Dan knows how Phil adores the baby ducks. If they do end up building that house with a pond in the back, Dan makes a mental note to give Phil some pet ducks for Christmas one year. And to record it, surely. That won't be a moment Dan will want to lose. "Very," Dan agrees. He thinks it's quite lovely: the street lights and low sunset light reflecting off the empty pond, the clouds harrowing in around the sunset, the low, cold breeze, the solitude, the quiet. But he knows Phil probably doesn't feel the same way. To a reasonable extent, Phil likes the busyness of the city. He likes people watching, the park being alive with laughter and chit chat, and that doesn't make him feel usafe like it makes Dan feel. Phil didn't grow up in the city, he doesn't know how quickly that can turn dark. Dan doesn't want Phil to learn that. Phil's innocence is important to Dan, it reminds Dan that the world doesn't have to be evil, it just has been for him. They walk slowly through the dim park before Dan suggests, "You reckon we can sneak onto the roof tonight?"   
08:50  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles at the gentle suggestion as they quietly walk around, hand in hand, though their hands are tucked close and safe against their sides, just in case. Phil knows Dan will pull away at the first sight of anyone else, and that’s okay. It’s a process. “They always leave the door open.” Phil smiled. The roof of their apartment building was nothing spectacular, but it was quiet, and it had a pretty view, and it was one place they were guaranteed to be alone. Nobody went up there. Because why would they? There was nothing up there. Especially not at night. But sometimes they went there for that very reason. Because they knew they could fully be alone. Nobody would knock at the door, they wouldn’t hear their neighbours having an amorous evening through the thin wall, their phones didn’t get good reception up there, and they could just peacefully exist for a while, away from everyone else in the world.  
22:18  
May 🌈  
"Just for us. It's warmer, anyway." The chimney smoke probably isn't the best for their lungs, but surely, it can't do all that much damage considering how rarely they use the roof for leisure. Even though the park is a bit of a disappointment, it's nice to get out for fun, not because they have to. They'll be cooped up the majority of the winter, so it's best to get fresh air now before temperatures regularly drop below freezing and breathing outside isn't particularly comfortable. Dan keeps Phil's hand warm in his own as they walk slowly through the park, and soon, the cithis, headed back to their flat. The streets are much more vacant than usual, but Dan manages to hold Phil's hand the entire way. He's completely distracted, looking down every alley and up every street to make sure nobody is looking at them strangely, that no sketchy lads are gawking, that there's no police who might decide to give them a hard time. Dan doubts he'll ever not be protective of Phil in that way, but maybe someday, he won't feel this overwhelming sensation in his chest and maybe someday, Dan will be able to stop expecting bad things to happen. The bright side is that Dan has no problem keeping Phil's hand warm, as his anxiety has his skin well heated. All is well, though. Nobody attacks them, and Dan's brain has another piece of evidence that he and Phil are safe. Dan holds the door to their complex for Phil, "Up we go. How many flights again?" He makes conversation, hoping to divert attention from his anxiety. He's trying his very best and he's terrified that just isn't enough.  
22:31  
[Also we can skip if you want! Sorry my whole rp flow has been disrupted by the recent emo revival and also school stuff lol ]  
22:31  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil doesn’t try to make conversation as they walk back home. He can see Dan’s head is on a swivel, back and forth, looking around anxiously for anyone who might be looking. Nobody is. Anyone who does steal a glance at them either looks away, or does a quick double take, or even smiles, but it doesn’t bother anyone enough that they feel the need to speak out, or approach them. Phil can handle that. He can handle being a topic of gossip around a strangers dinner table later in the day. As long as they’re left alone in the moment, it’s fine. And by the time they get home, Phil knows Dan is anxious. He squeezes Dan’s hand, his thumb rubbing across his knuckles to try and soothe him. He doesn’t answer Dan’s question, because he knows that Dan already knows the answer. Instead, he smiles gently. “It’s okay, babe.” He says gently. “We’re fine. Is it too much?” He asks. He doesn’t want Dan to push himself further than he needs to. This gentle exposure to things that frighten him is good, but only until it reaches the point where Dan is too uneasy.  
22:32  
((No problem! We can skip whenever you want, maybe to their visit up north or something? I don’t mind!))  
22:34  
May 🌈  
[That's so cute I love!]  
6 November 2019  
00:05  
May 🌈  
Phil knows Dan all too well. Like usual, Phil calms Dan down easily enough. "I want to do this," Dan assures his loving, doting boyfriend with a grateful squeeze of his hand. If Phil is sure they're truly safe, Dan wants to do this. With Phil's support, he pushes himself at every consequent opportunity. Maybe it's making a difference, maybe not. Regardless, Dan feels proud of himself after it's over, so it can't be doing too much damage. His medication has literally changed every aspect of his life. He fills up a dozen pages of his black spiral notebook with video ideas and even starts a script. The house is organized, something it rarely is, not because Phil and Dan are lazy, dirty people, but because Dan has loads more energy to contribute to the goal. Dan even manages an easy hike or two with his brother, who is far more open to a closer relationship with Dan than he could have prepared for. They haven't had a single meaningful conversation thus far, but Adrian preaches to Dan about his healthy lifestyle and Dan is getting very good at listening. He even asks Dan a question once every so often, which Dan counts as progress. Adrian's immaturity doesn't bother Dan. Dan wishes he could have indulged in that part of his life, but if Adrian can, it means all Dan ever did to protect him wasn't for nothing. So long as they don't talk about their parents, they get on just fine. They just aren't there yet. Nobody's heard from their father since he left, so Karen is still with their grandparents most days. Dan hasn't really spoken to her yet. He isn't ready for that either, just yet. On top of all these good changes, Dan feels therapy is going quite nicely. He managed to talk about Phil some, something he usually struggles even within the safe therapeutic walls of his therapist's office. After prefacing for literally ten full minutes that he loves Phil, he mentions that marriage is a difficult concept for him. He doesn't exactly make much progress with the issue at hand, but for Dan, just talking about it is big. The one warning Dan's therapist gives him is to watch out for symptoms of bipolar disorder, as his newfound energy is not a particularly common outcome of his meds. She warns Dan to stay at his current dosage to avoid unpleasant side effects related to mania. Dan isn't sure how to take that, but he lets it go because he isn't about to question such a good thing. With that good check-in with his therapist, Dan gives Phil the official green light to visit Rawtenstall.

For once, Dan actually finds sitting still on such a long train ride difficult. Only a half hour in, once conversation dies down, Dan is back to multitasking between music, research, and this time, texting Adrian, some other friends, and posting on Twitter. Something about being unable to move around makes Dan a little antsy, but he doesn't pay it much mind. It isn't uncomfortable, he just can't quit tapping his foot, but he's too engaged in his electronics to pay much attention to it. Dan usually takes this time to gaze out the window at the beautiful scenery, have a nap next to Phil, and maybe take some pictures. Traveling is usually down time, but today, Dan just can't stand to relax. Adrian had only positive things to say about Dan's newfound energy and motivation, but people who know him better are a tad wary. Cornelia, wit sharp as ever, keeps joking about Dan starting his Olympic career, but as her usual kind, lovely self, she keeps an eye on Dan. This behavior is quite nearly objectively good, but it isn't the Dan they know. Martyn, quite a bit more like his father than Phil, doesn't make too much mention of it. He's just glad Dan is feeling better. Dan can't believe how relieved he is for the train to finally stop in Rosenberg. Phil's parents are waiting the same place they always do: a cute little memorial bench in the central part of the station. Rather than get lost trying to find the right platform, they let the kids find them in a reliable place. Dan doesn't hold Phil's hand here, it's just too much. They're in a small, Northern town surround  
00:05  
ed by Phil's family, so the stakes are just a tad higher. They can work up to that one. Dan tries not to be so afraid of little touches, though. He adjusts Phil's scarf for him and hardly thinks twice about it, for example. That must count for something. It isn't much, but it's something. "Strange, I was expecting more snow," Dan comments once he finally disconnects and has a look out the window. "I thought Kath was exaggerating. I guess it's not just us down south." 

[Lots of characters! Feel free to take whoever you like 💗]  
00:11  
Charlie 🎄  
((Sure, of course! I figure we can just switch around depending on who’s talking to who, no big deal! I might not be able to reply until a bit later though, as I’m at work and it’s a little busy!))  
00:12  
May 🌈  
[Sounds good 💗 holy wow you're in a totally dif time zone haha I'm on pacific time and it is . 12:11 a.m. ]  
00:12  
[Best of luck at work!! Merry Christmas lmfao]  
00:13  
Charlie 🎄  
((I actually work overnight, so it’s a little after 4am here lol 😴))  
00:14  
May 🌈  
[Dios mio tf why is it busy at 4am I'm so sorry]  
00:28  
Charlie 🎄  
((Lol I work at a 24 hour grocery and 4 is when we start stocking shelves and stuff because nobody is around))  
03:39  
Charlie 🎄  
The train journey is long, and boring, but Phil keeps occupied by texting his brother, who is quite literally sat directly next to him. The reason they text, rather than speak, is because they’re talking about Dan. Martyn has noticed how much different his behaviour is. So for a while they chat back and forth about that, about some of those changes, and how nice they are. It’s nothing they can’t really say out loud, but Phil knows that Dan might get embarrassed, being talked about like that. After a while, they all kind of settle to their own little hobbies. Phil’s scrolling on twitter, Cornelia’s reading a book, Martyn is playing a game on his phone, and Dan is... doing a hundred things at once, it would seem. But all is quiet until the reach the station. There’s a chaotic flurry of people, some getting off the train, others getting on, and once in the platform, they all regroup, and head off to the place they know Kath and Nigel will be waiting. Phil’s excited to see them. He always is, but this time especially. It’s the first time they’ve been here in ages. He’s missed it. They walk as a group, through the familiar station, and as they approach the little bench, Phil smiles. He can see his mum, watching off in the complete wrong direction, and watches as his father pats her on the shoulder to get her attention once he notices them. She turns, looking around a bit more before she catches sight of them, and once she does, she’s quick to stand and approach them all with open arms. “Oh, look at you all! Don’t often see all the little ones come at once!” She greeted, hugging them all one by one, and seeming to intentionally save Dan for last. “And you! You come here this instant young man, you need a hug.” She said, wrapping Dan up tightly in her arms. It was quite comical actually, considering how much shorter she was than Dan. And Phil couldn’t help but smile warmly, greeting his dad while his mum and his boyfriend had their little moment. Phil could hear her murmuring to him about how proud she was, how happy she was for him, and he could see Dan getting more red faced by the moment. “Mum, you’re going to make his head pop off, c’mon. You two can gossip later.” He laughed, shaking his head. And once everyone had said their hellos, and gotten their hugs, and said their how are you’s, they all began making their way towards the parking lot to pile too many bodies into a too-small car. It was a short drive, they could squeeze in. And Phil was quite eager to get home, to get in where it was warm, and fully catch up with everyone.  
09:04  
May 🌈  
It's a little unrealistic to hold Phil's hand while struggling to get off the train, but Dan keeps a light hand on Phil's shoulder so nobody tries pushing then apart to snag a seat. This will be about the extent of the rude behavior they see on this trip. These are the people like Dan, Phil, Martyn, and Cornelia, traveling from the big city, eager to get back. Everyone else is quite slow, to put it simply. No other place so north outside Manchester, and maybe Edinburgh, has people so densely packed or eager to get anywhere at all. It's a bit of an adjustment, but Dan's made peace with the oddities of the north. Once free of the chaos, Dan lays eyes on Kathryn, and he could literally cry, he's so relieved to see her. They embrace, though the position isn't particularly good for Dan's back. It might be easier to get down on his knees, actually. Then Kath is telling him how proud and happy she is and how much she loves Dan, and Dan doesn't quite know how to react. Dan can hardly stand Phil's praise too long and he's his actual soulmate. Dan's heart swells in his chest and soon, he can hardly breathe. It's so, so kind and lovely of her to say such sweet things, but in the middle of the station in front of everyone, it's a bit much. Dan's quite literally about one more thoughtful comment away from crying happy tears right here in front of everyone, so he's beyond grateful to Phil for stepping in. "Oh, deary, I'm sorry," she laughs a little and pats Dan's cheek, a warm smile ever present on her features. "We'll chat back home, now, won't we? Plenty of time. I'm sorry, I've missed you, my sweet." 

Dan laughs with her, his smile raw and bright. He doesn't have much to say, but he does manage, "Thank you. Thank you, really, I mean it." Dan heard it all before over the phone, but it's different now. Dan feels ashamed for not coming to visit sooner. She gives Dan's hand that same squeeze Phil does to show that Dan is seen and loved and not at all alone. Dan and Kathryn share just one more long hug before they follow the others to the car. The car, a tiny, British sedan, seems to get smaller each time they visit. Per usual, Cornie takes Martyn's lap, Phil sits in the middle of the backseat, and Dan sits with half his ass on Phil's leg so their hips can fit in the tight space. Dan rests his head on Phil's shoulder, as well, because quite frankly, he's just too tall to sit up straight in this car. It doesn't bother Nigel so much because it's a bit higher in the front seat, so Dan supposes it doesn't usually pose a problem, but Christ if they aren't due for a new car. It's an old one, and it works just fine because Nigel takes good care of it, but it's outdated enough that his little fix-ups just aren't enough to bring this car out of the past. It plays cassette tapes, for fuck's sake, one of which is softly playing now: the Beatles. Dan usually can't stand talk of them, but here, up in the northern countryside with Kath's hand on Nigel's shoulder and four grown adults squeezed into the backseat, it actually seems fitting. Cornelia snaps a few giggly selfies of the "backseat gang," as Nigel playfully refers to them as. Phil is Dan's home, but times like this, Dan really understands those larger family bonds. Dan is actually lucky enough to be part of this: welcome and loved, and it makes him feel warm and right. There's so much laughter and joy, it's beautiful. Martyn is talking with his dad about some football thing and Kathryn rolls her eyes, "Boys. What has it been, all of five minutes?" All that heaviness from just a few minutes ago is gone, leaving only happiness. Dan laughs along, but as usual, doesn't pitch in all that much unless someone directly talks to him. He just enjoys it all. Dan always forgets how nice this is. When he holds Phil's hand, it's hardly a conscious act, he doesn't have to think about it. All that happiness doesn't fade away. Nobody even notices, but if they did, they wouldn't care, except maybe to be happy for them.  
09:27  
Charlie 🎄  
The ride to Phil’s childhood home doesn’t take long at all. Not because it’s particularly close, they do have to drive a town or two over, but because up here, there’s no traffic. Ever. There’s never more than three or four cars in a line and if there is, it’s because they’ve gotten behind a school bus or a garbage truck or a tractor. Phil loves it here. The air is always a little fresher, the views a little greener. He didn’t appreciate this place enough as a kid, but coming back as an adult, he appreciated it loads. This was home. No matter where on earth he lived, this would always be home. He held Dan’s hand without a second thought, and Dan didn’t seem at all uncomfortable. This was home for Dan too, in a way. And when they arrived, and they all got out of the old car again, it must look a bit ridiculous, clownish. But Kathryn ushers them all inside out of the cold and into the old familiar kitchen where she starts the kettle. This house has never changed, Phil’s sure. Aside from a new coat of paint every few years, and new furniture only when the old furniture quite literally fell apart, his childhood home had always remained largely the same. And every visit like this was the same too. Phil knew exactly how it would go. They’d all sit around the table for a while, sipping warm drinks and eating biscuits and chatting while Kathryn prepared veggies for dinner. After a while, they’d all head off in pairs, or on their own. To go put their bags into their respective rooms, to settle in a little, and then they’d all be called back for dinner. It was a routine that had become so familiar. The only time their visits hadn’t followed this pattern had been while Nigel was sick. Phil would show up with bags of half-cold McDonald’s because his mum was just too exhausted to cook. There was no tea and chitchat in the kitchen, just quiet turns taken upstairs, sitting with the sickly man while he slept. He slept a lot. But now, things were so largely back to normal. Phil glanced at his dad across the room as he and Dan sat at the table, and felt a sense of relief in his chest. He was a little slower now than he used to be. A little thinner. Phil watched him place aside the cane he sometimes used to help him walk. But he was here. And that was good. “Tea for you, dear?” Kathryn piped up, pulling Phil from his little daydream. He nodded. And soon enough a hot cup of tea appeared before him. “So, fill us in, you lot.” Nigel said, pulling out a chair and joining the kids at the table. “What’s been happening down in London keeping you all so busy?” He smiled.  
10:43  
May 🌈  
The best part of all this is Phil. As much as it means for Dan to be part of a functional, happy family, bringing Phil back home is something special. Dan can see something different in Phil when they're here - at least, when he isn't worrying about his father. Phil always worries about his dad, but Dan would argue that being here is a bit triggering to Phil at times. This and hospitals. As a habit, Dan and Kath pass that particular ball back and forth, and she's on it the moment she shares that eye contact with Dan that means Phil's getting lost in his head. Dan notices first, naturally, as Phil always holds at least part of his attention. Phil should enjoy his trip here, it isn't meant to be spent worrying about the past. Nigel isn't in perfect health and he never will be, but he can walk on his own and drive the car and he's not in pain and he's here. When prompted, Martyn starts with Dan and Phil's new merch lines, then goes on to talk about Cornelia's shows and recordings, ever proud of his loved ones. "Martyn's the one working so hard to make all this happen," Cornelia corrects, and she's absolutely right. She gets out her phone to show Nigel and Kath some of the merch lines, pointing out all the different details she can think of that the older adults might find interesting.

"Oh, that's the candle! I love that candle, the blue one. That's Philip's, isn't it? It smells so lovely, I've got them all over the house," Kathryn smiles, trying to keep up. 

"That's what that smell is, I was wondering why it smelled so much like the office," Dan comments as they all laugh about how IRL has taken over their lives. It's strange to think of it as a family business, but it absolutely is. Dan wouldn't have it any other way. 

Cornelia goes on to talk about a recent trip she and Martyn took to visit her family, reporting that everyone is well and yes, it is still very cold in Sweden and yes, she still hates the cold and no, Northern England is not particularly cold to her, still. She finds the questions from the parents who have never really traveled anywhere adorable. They have no real interest in going anywhere at this point in their lives, but they still want to know about Cornelia's experiences because they love her. Kathryn and Nigel are more or less aware of Dan's unfortunate family situation, so Kathryn changes the topic after that, "That's a good thing, I reckon the trip here from Sweden is a bit longer than London." Dan thinks a trip from Manchester would be even shorter, but he doesn't mention that. He would hate to get Kathryn's hopes up for nothing if their plans fall through. Phil can mention it if he likes. "How was the trip, anyway?"

"Uneventful," which is Martyn-Speak for long and boring. Everyone laughs in agreement. This trip isn't exactly about excitement, anyway, it's about slowing down and being with family. 

When the conversation widdles down to Martyn and Nigel talking shop, Kathryn decides to start dinner, so Dan offers, "Kath, can I give you a hand?" Of course, she accepts only after insisting Dan relaxes after the trip and Dan insists he's tired of sitting around. This time, that isn't a lie, he actually feels much better doing something. It's less casual than when Dan cooks with Phil. Kathryn gives him actual instruction and he does his very best to follow through. He's useful enough. Kathryn reminds him how to cut vegetables properly and leaves him to it as she gathers other ingredients, "Thank you, dear. My hands have been bothering me lately." That's a bit worrying, but it isn't anything that might affect her health. Arthritis, that's all. It doesn't surprise Dan, considering all she's done over the years to care for her family. One person can only chop so many vegetables in a lifetime, Dan supposes.  
10:56  
Charlie 🎄  
When Dan gets up to help with dinner, Phil lets him. He stays behind, knowing how Dan appreciates spending a bit of time alone with her. Dan has really fallen into place in this family over the years. He’s as much a part of it as Phil is. Phil’s parents adore Dan, they love him like their own, and that’s so, so important to Phil. His family is so important to him. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he was with someone who didn’t like them, or someone his parents didn’t approve of. That would cause problems, surely. But that wasn’t something he’d ever have to worry about. Because this was Dan, and everybody loved Dan. So, with that peaceful thought at the front of his mind, Phil let himself re-join the conversation, and allowing Dan his little moment.

Kathryn watches him fondly from the corner of her eye as she heats the oven and prepares a few things. She’s gotten to know Dan quite well over all these years, and she can see a change in him since the last time he was here. He seems brighter, more alert, a bit of colour in his cheeks. He’s less tired. He looks healthier. “So how are you doing, dear?” She asks, her voice quiet enough that it wouldn’t carry over the loud chatter at the table. This conversation was hers and Dan’s to share. “A lot of excitement lately, isn’t there? With you and Phil both making those videos. How’s that gone? Has everyone been nice to you?” She smiles. “Oh, and you two recently had quite a big anniversary as well, didn’t you?” She added. Ten years was a very long time. The fact they’d been so young, and still lasted this long, was so admirable. Not many young couples these days had the type of dedication her boys had for each other.  
11:13  
May 🌈  
If Dan knew literally anyone at all like Kathryn when he was young, he certainly wouldn't be nearly as fucked up as he is now. Kathryn's one of those people that make the world a better place just by being in it. "I'm really good," Dan answers honestly, pausing from his chopping only briefly to glance at Kath with a smile when she mentions Phil, "Yeah. Yes. Goodness." He laughs a little as he gets back to chopping, thinking about where to start with all of this. "It was quite a lot all at once." Dan tries to explain it all with some amount of grace, "We didn't plan it that way. Ten years, maybe it wasn't just a number. It just felt time for a lot of really big changes. Maybe we should've planned better." He doesn't want to get too in-depth, Kath has enough on her plate without fussing over Dan, "It's all working out. Things are literally better than ever. We're really happy." Things aren't perfect, but they're getting there. Dan switches topics a little, "It doesn't feel like ten years. I don't know. A decade. Wow. What was it like on your tenth?" Even the way Dan talks is starkly different than before. He's so positive. Dan doesn't want to talk about bad things.   
11:24  
Charlie 🎄  
At the mention of ‘really big changes’, Kathryn can’t help but smile a little bit to herself. She’s not sure what that means exactly, but she knows that she’s happy. Whatever those changes may include for them. Phil talked sometimes about wanting to move, wanting to buy a house, and that was a good, reasonable goal she thought. But then came the thoughts of what may happen after that. A wedding, perhaps? Grandchildren? Surely she was too young to be a grandmother, wasn’t she? But she wasn’t. And the thought of having children in her life again was so very heartwarming. Martyn and Cornelia didn’t seem interested in taking that path, and that was okay. But she was getting very ahead of herself, so she reeled it back, and simply nodded. At Dan’s question, she took a moment to think. “My dear that was a long time ago.” She chuckled. Martyn has just turned 34, and they’d been married the year before he was born. 35 years of marriage, now, and close to five years of dating before that. It was a majority of their lives they’d spent together now. “On our tenth wedding anniversary... well, we didn’t do a lot, of I’m honest.” She chuckled. “The boys were still quite young, we couldn’t leave them for long. But I remember we went for a wonderful dinner, and then we took Martyn and Phil and we all spent some time down at the beach.” She smiled. “It was lovely, really.” She recalled. There were no expensive trips or lavish meals or worldwide travel in their day. With two young kids and enough money to get by, those types of luxuries weren’t always possible. But they didn’t need it. Quality time could be spent anywhere. And that’s all they really needed. “What about you? Did the two of you do anything special?” She smiled.  
12:01  
May 🌈  
"That sounds really lovely," Dan agrees, though the thought of not having any alone time at all with Phil on at least their anniversary sounds literally terrible. On a very pragmatic level, Dan doesn't know how he'd manage with children. Dan admits, "We didn't do all that much, either. There was so much happening, we didn't do a very good job of planning ahead. Phil and I went to dinner and ice cream. We took a week off from work so we could relax, as well. Phil was really tired, he always works so hard. We needed to… sort of come down after everything. We're planning to make up for it, though. Belated anniversary. We're thinking of Italy. Just the two of us and a gallon of sunscreen." Dan smiles at the thought. Dan and Phil's idea of a good time usually involves being alone together, so their anniversary was very appropriate for them. Italy would have been too overwhelming, too much pressure. In the late winter, though? It will be perfect, Dan is confident. "It's about time we got away for a bit. Things are so different now, we need a proper break from it sooner or later." They love their lives and careers, but all of the changes related to coming out came on very suddenly.  
12:09  
Charlie 🎄  
“Italy, wow.” She smiled. “That sounds lovely dear. And you two do need a break. This has been a busy year for you both.” She said. Last year was busy in the more literal sense. They were traveling, touring the world, they were on constant deadlines. This year seemed a bit more relaxed, but it was busy in a more emotional sense. In a personal sense. They seemed to be settling down a little more, properly growing up and thinking about the future, about their own personal growth, and that took a lot out of a person. Surely they must both be a bit exhausted. She could see it on her son, as she glanced back at him. He was looking tired. “You take that boy to Italy and make him get some rest, yeah? Poor thing never stops.” She chuckled fondly. Phil always threw his heart and soul into the things and the people he was passionate about. And it wasn’t uncommon for him to suffer a bit of exhaustion and burnout. And she knew a goal of his for next year was to slow down, work a little less, and focus on rounding out his life a little more. He needed that. She could tell he was getting worn out. A mother always knows.  
12:26  
May 🌈  
Dan couldn't agree more. He tries not to overthink this, because it will only make matters worse, but Dan is a huge part of that exhaustion. Things are better now: a more regular sleep schedule than Dan's ever known before, better communication between Phil and himself, and big strides toward a more authentic life. All of that comes with exhaustion, naturally. It's good for the long run, but right now, Dan can easily see it's wearing Phil thin. Dan sees the same exhaustion in Kathryn's eyes for forces outside anyone's control. The brunt of the weight of Nigel's cancer fell on Kathryn. If it comes back, or anything else goes wrong, Dan wants to be close enough to be here for Phil's parents. There will soon come a day they simply can't handle all this on their own, and the last thing Dan wants is to stick them in a home if they can at all prevent that. "He really doesn't," Dan finally settles on. "I'm done fighting him on it, it's just how he is. Whatever the issue is, he can be involved and stress out or stay out of it and stress himself out even more. He cares so much about everyone all the time. Except himself. Of course." It isn't anything Kathryn doesn't already know, Dan wouldn't rat Phil out like that to his mum. Dan adores Kathryn, but at the end of the day, she's Phil's mum, and Dan does keep some semblance of boundaries between them. "It helps him to come up and visit you. He gets nervous when we've been away too long." Dan so wants to tell Kath about their moving ideas, but he's uncertain about it, so he just suggests, "You ought to tell him to move back home. He'd be happier here or, I don't know, in Manchester or something."  
12:35  
Charlie 🎄  
At Dan’s little suggestion, she smiles again, but it’s softer now. “Oh, I would never.” She says, shaking her head. “He worries about us enough as it is. If I asked him to move home he’d think something was wrong.” She said. Things were good right now. They were recovering, both of them. It just took a bit longer, as they got a bit older. But Nigel was healthy. He’d been in remission over a year now. And while there was always a chance his cancer could return, he was following all his doctors orders and doing everything to prevent that. He was well, and so was she. There was the general wear and tear, the common aches and pains that came with age, but they were both healthy and active and they’d be around a good long while yet, she was sure. “Phil gets nervous over everything. Always has, since he was a wee little boy.” She says fondly. “Though he worries about much different things now, I think.” She said. Phil worries about loss. He worried about his dads health, worried about losing him. He worried about accidents and injuries and illnesses. Things that he couldn’t control. And she really wasn’t sure how to soothe those worries.  
18:51  
May 🌈  
"You're too sweet," Dan chuckles, "I know you'd both be happier if we were closer." Kathryn is really just too easy to talk to. She's so much like Phil, Dan can't help but feel at home around her. Phil's kindness, his wholesome nature, his gentle manner, and all his loveliness seem to be inspired by his mum. Dan thinks about that nervous little boy, picking up on every little emotion all the adults are feeling. "I know," Dan speaks softly. He asks, "What did he worry about when he was little? Why do you think that is? That he worries so much?" Dan thinks he knows, but he wants to hear what Kathryn has to say. What could be more valuable than learning more about his partner through someone who knew him most intimately before Dan came around? Dan understands at this moment why Phil is so upset to be so distant from Dan's family. Phil doesn't get this. He doesn't get to know about Dan through anyone but Dan. That's how Dan wanted it when he was young and insecure. Now that he's an adult and he feels mostly secure with Phil, he wouldn't mind Phil knowing all kinds of things about the way Dan was as a child. He makes a mental note to look for a scrap book or maybe some photos at his grandmother's house when he next visits.  
19:34  
Charlie 🎄  
“When he was little, I think it was mostly normal things. He’d get all worked up about school, or about his friends, or about little things like that. Just nervous, I think. But as he got older, it seemed like he started worrying about more serious things.” She said, glancing back at the others who were all still chatting around the table. “He lost all his grandparents, and he was quite young, so he didn’t quite understand. And that scares him, I think. Knowing that someone could just... be gone one day and never come back.” She said. “And then when he went off to university, and he met that boy... I’m sure he’s told you. One of the first people he ever dated, really. Just gone, like that.” She shook her head. “It really affected him for a long time. And that’s when he started worrying about losing people the way he does.” She said. Her poor son had been through the wringer, he’d lost a lot of loved ones, and he’d been through a lot. And it left him awfully nervous about a lot of things.  
20:08  
May 🌈  
Putting it like that makes a lot more sense. Kathryn sees things very clearly and objectively, Dan appreciates that. That sensitive little boy just never figured out how to process death. Maybe part of it was Nigel's masculine influence that didn't exactly encourage Phil to allow himself to feel sad, maybe it's just how this family functions. Death kept happening and Phil never got a chance to deal with it. Phil doesn't make a habit of talking about bad things that happen. Come to think of it, that's sort of the way this whole family dealt with Nigel's cancer. They never used the 'c' word, never made plans for the possibility of his death, never processed that. It's stressful, but denial isn't exactly healthy in itself. Probably the closest Phil ever came to dealing with loss and grief was listening to emo music back in the day. Dan's lost in thought for a moment, wondering what he can do for Phil. Nothing, he decides, until Phil decides he's ready to face it. Dan can't force it. In the meantime, it's just an anxious personality taken to the extreme in adulthood. "It's strange to me. He's so confident and proud and brave. I don't know." In some ways, Dan and Phil are like night and day. Dan sees himself as a generally quiet, nervous, uncomfortable, awkward person. Phil is the brave one who comes out at every opportunity and is confident in himself. He's afraid of the unknown forces of the universe, Dan is afraid of people. It sounds like a match made in hell, but true to every cliché, they balance each other out. "Did anything help him… calm down when he was young? When something upset him, how did he deal with that?" Nowadays, Phil usually just likes a good cuddle and cute animal videos.  
20:19  
Charlie 🎄  
Kathryn watched Dan for a moment, watched as he got lost in his thoughts, and when his very first question was how to help, she smiled. Dan was so sweet. It was no wonder Phil loved him so much. “He just likes being around people.” She said. “He doesn’t say it, but you’ll notice it. When he’s feeling nervous, he gets a bit clingy, he’ll just come sit in the same room, or he’ll kind of follow you around.” She chuckled. “All you can do is just let him do it, really. Let him be close to you.” She smiled softly. “Try and distract him, maybe. I don’t think he likes talking much, seems to only worry him more when he talks it out.” She said. It was a difficult thing to try and navigate. When her husband was ill, and tensions were high, and everything was up in the air and uncertain, it was difficult to have those hard conversations. About the what if’s. Phil wanted no part in preemptive funeral planning. He didn’t want to “mourn him before he was even dead” as Phil had put it. It was a lot, it was painful for him, and she understood that. She understood why death and the idea of it upset him so much. He’d seen too much of it for someone his age, lost too many people he was close to. Maybe that would always be the case. “He’s a strong boy. He puts his heart into everything he does, and that will take him far.” She smiled. “He’ll be alright. He just needs to give himself some room to breathe, sometimes.” She said. Phil never spent much time grieving. He put everything behind him so quickly, too quickly, maybe.  
7 November 2019  
01:23  
May 🌈  
Dan smiles, shaking his head, "I know that and you know that, Kath. I just have to figure out how to get that into his head. Stubborn lad." He finishes chopping vegetables and pours them into the pan Kathryn set out for him. "Thank you. I'm sorry to ask, I didn't mean to bring this up. You're too easy to talk to. Really, I want him to be happy is all. I don't know how to help him breathe like that sometimes. I'll figure it out sooner or later." Dan puts away extra ingredients so Kathryn doesn't have to, "Thank you. It's so nice to be here. We missed you." It's an understatement, but it will do. Dan doesn't think words can accurately represent the unique way these people in this place feel so much like home. Not just any home, but what home is supposed to be. The feeling cheesy Christmas movies and old holiday songs give off on cold winter evenings. The feeling of things just being right, fitting into place, belonging. "Everything's been alright here?" Dan knows she and Nigel water things down and fluff other things up so Phil doesn't worry so much, so maybe she'll feel comfortable now being up front with Dan.  
02:59  
Charlie 🎄  
At that, she smiles, letting Dan stir the veggies while she checks on the chicken she’s been roasting in the oven. “Things have been well, yes.” She assures. “We did have... well, a little bit of a scare, a couple of weeks ago. Nigel went in for some checkups and things and they found something a bit unusual. Worried that the cancer might be back. But he went back this week and everything’s fine, just a false alarm.” She assured. “We didn’t want to tell and cause a panic before we were certain. That’s why we didn’t call.” She says. They hate to worry their children unless it’s necessary. It was only a false alarm, a blurry image that the doctors misread. That’s all. “Aside from that, things have been going very well.” She smiled. “And with you, love?” She asked after a moment. “Phil mentioned you felt a bit poorly for a few days. You seem to be doing much better.” She smiled. There wasn’t much that Phil didn’t tell her. He didn’t keep many secrets. But she didn’t want Dan to feel like he was a topic of gossip.  
08:33  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't know what he and Phil would have done if Kathryn had called them to let them know Nigel's cancer may be back during, for example, their mini-intervention with Dan's mum, or maybe while Dan was detoxing. Christ. He's grateful because the timing would have been God-awful, but Dan can't make Kathryn think she can't talk to Dan and Phil about this. "I'm so sorry, that must have been so scary," Dan looks at Kathryn in disbelief. She is so very strong. Phil would have been completely torn up to hear about his father's scare last week, but Kathryn just says it like she lost her keys for an hour: not a big deal. "I'm so relieved he's okay. Goodness." Dan sighs, trying to shift gears because it's clear Kathryn doesn't want to continue talking about it, "Um. Well, it's certainly been a few weeks." Dan explains, "It's been a bit mad. I had to switch medications, which is always stressful. Phil's been an angel, like always. I don't know what I'd ever do without him." He runs a hand through his curly hair. He doesn't like thinking about his own family here. The contrast is just too stark for Dan's comfort. Talking about his mother here just seems wrong, so he doesn't bring it up, though he could. Maybe that's what Kathryn's asking about, but Dan finds it much easier to talk about his own fucked up brain. "I feel so much better. It's mad," Dan smiles lightly, "I've been so productive and I've been thinking more clearly. It's really good."   
08:51  
Charlie 🎄  
Kathryn smiles gently, and nods. “That’s good to hear.” She says. “Pesky things, all those pills. But they do work wonders.” She said. She knew how Dan had struggled, off and on, to find the right medication. It seemed to be a never ending battle for him. And it seemed as though Dan could just never get any peace. She was glad to see him so energetic and full of life again. She knows better by now than to ask about Dan’s family. That’s a topic she can only let Dan bring up on his own, if he wants to. She knows Dan quite well by now, but that’s an area she’s still unsure of. She knows that Dan has a very up and down relationship with his family. Kathryn has met Dan’s mum, and his little brother. They’d all sat together at one of the boys shows last year. Spent some time chatting backstage. They seemed nice enough, but Dan never seemed to enjoy talking about them, and Kathryn chose not to ask. Who knows what went on behind closed doors? Maybe not so much now, but back in the very early days, it seemed like Dan would appear on her doorstep every time he got the chance. Part of it may have just been puppy love, he and Phil overly excited to see each other. But she could never shake the feeling that some of Dan’s visits were a little unplanned. That was okay. No matter what went on in his own family, back then, or now, all Kathryn could do was welcome him in with open arms and give him a place to go when he needed one. Dan was always welcome here, no matter the time, weather, or circumstance. “And Phil was telling me you two are getting a fish? How’s that gone?” She smiled, letting the topic switch to something a bit more pleasant.  
22:13  
May 🌈  
Dan did end up on Kathryn's doorstep quite often back in the day. That seeming endless time Phil spent back home with his parents before he and Dan found an apartment together was rough. As if Dan wasn't nervous enough to see his new boyfriend so far from the only home he's ever known, he had to ring a doorbell to some poor Northern housewife find his gay ass looking for a booty call. At least, that's what Dan was afraid of. The first time he came up here, he half expected Nigel to pull out a gun or a shovel or something, but Nigel has only ever been kind to Dan. As it turned out, Dan was much safer and more welcome here than he ever was in his hometown. Dan felt that, even then before he really knew it. The bar was so low, Dan would have rather taken the chance at actual love coming out to the middle of nowhere than stay a weekend with his family. He may have snuck out the back door a handful of nights his parents' fighting was more than he was willing to handle. Dan doesn't know what he would've done if Phil or Kathryn had turned Dan away. Dan's never properly lived here, but this place is home. These people are home. "Oh, we've been over the moon about it," Dan smiles. "Phil's been wanting a pet for ages. We're finally settling down, no more tours, so we decided to try. It's this little blue fish. Look," Dan pulls his phone out and shows her the video he took of Phil cooing over the fish. "He's so excited. If that isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen. We're bringing the fish home next week."  
22:22  
Charlie 🎄  
Kathryn pulled her reading glasses down from where they sat perched on her head, and watched the short little video with a smile. The video was of Phil, and she couldn’t actually see the fish at all. Which was sweet, she thought. It showed what Dan was excited about. Not the fish, but about Phil’s excitement. They were so good for each other. A match made in heaven, she was sure. “Phil’s always loved having pets.” She smiled, passing Dan’s phone back to him and pushing her glasses up again. “He had all these little hamsters when he was young. They just kept having babies and we couldn’t convince him to separate them. I think he just liked seeing the little ones grow up.” She smiled. She had a brief moment, where she thought to herself that Phil was going to make an excellent father one day. It was the first time she’d really considered that, and boy did she feel old. But it was true. Phil was so caring, so soft, and he had that drive, the need to have something to care for. Whether that was plants, or pets, or people, Phil was a caregiver at his core. And it was that type of personality that would lend itself very well to parenthood. But that was a topic she didn’t want to bring up with Dan, not now. She had no idea if that was a conversation they’d even had with each other, and it certainly wasn’t her place. “A fish will be good for him. They’re very relaxing.” She said. Maybe that would help with some of Phil’s nervous tendencies.  
8 November 2019  
00:06  
May 🌈  
"Oh, I know about the hamsters. He still talks about missing those hamsters," Dan chuckles. "He loved their massive family. He can still recall all of their names. And he still talks about missing that rabbit that used to roam around the house. And that fish you kept on your desk. I swear he's got a photographic memory." That is, until he takes Dan's cereal. Then, he couldn't possibly remember which cereal he ate. Dan admits, "That's part of why we haven't had pets before. I can't let him hurt like that if we can avoid it." Dan doesn't want to remind Kathryn of all the ways her husband's cancer is affecting her youngest son, so he doesn't linger on that topic for long, "But he says he's ready. He really wants this. Things have calmed down a bit, as well. It's time to at least try. It's a fish, it's easy. A dog, though? I don't know," Dan shakes his head, "Someday. Not yet. This is a test run. We're doing everything to give it a good life, so when the time comes, it will just be time. No mistakes, no guilt, no blame. If Phil recovers, we'll give it some time and try again, I reckon." It's all very calculated, at least on Dan's end. He always calculates when it comes to Phil, he's just too precious to leave up to fate. Dan knows he can't control everything, but he does all he can. "It's actually loads of fun so far. We set up the tank, it looks straight out of a professional aquarium." Dan shows Kathryn photos of the tank from different angles, then a short video of Dan and Phil laughing into the camera and talking about the tank. "Don't worry, I'm doing all the fussing over the tank business. He can do the fun parts when we get there."  
00:17  
Charlie 🎄  
Dan was such a sweetheart. Kathryn knew this well by now, but it never ceased to make her feel all warm and fuzzy, knowing that her son had ended up with someone who loved and cared for him so deeply. “It didn’t seem to bother him quite as much, the animals.” She said. “Once he understood that most pets just don’t live as long as people do, he seemed to handle it better. It made him feel better to know they’d all had good long lives.” She smiled. “If you two can manage this fish for a year, I’m sure he’ll be okay when the time comes.” She said, not wanting Dan to worry too much about Phil’s worrying. That was all too much worrying for one household. And age played a part in Phil’s fears, she was sure. He seemed to cope better with losing a grandparent, or an elderly relative, people who had generally lived long lives and had reached an age where death was inevitable, and expected. It was those who were younger who really got to him. Whenever someone passed too young, or unexpectedly, Phil handled it far worse. She and Nigel were only in their early sixties. They certainly weren’t at an age Phil should have to be concerned about just yet. And that was part of the reason Phil took his father’s condition so poorly. That, and the simple fact that nobody wanted to lose a parent, regardless of age.  
19:08  
May 🌈  
"That's good to keep in mind," Dan comments quietly. He really cannot imagine Phil handling even a fish death well, but Dan trusts Kathryn knows him well enough. Just thinking about all this makes Dan want to give Phil a big, long hug. Nobody likes death talk, but that mixed with talking about Phil's death anxiety is just not something Dan can sustain for all that long. "You'll have to come visit the fish. We should have a fish party or something. Fish christening." Dan notices a text from Adrian and puts his phone right back into his pocket. Now is just not the time. "We can finally take you to see Buckingham Palace like we've been talking about for ages. I'll check the schedule to see when it's very busy." Dan considers that before asking, "Kath? Do you ever think about traveling? Now that Nigel's getting better, is there anything at all you want to do?" Dan knows Phil would love nothing more than to share a family trip with his parents or maybe send then on a romantic getaway or something. Phil's parents haven't really ever been anywhere at all, they deserve to enjoy their lives now in retirement.   
19:16  
Charlie 🎄  
Kathryn smiles, wiping her hands on a tea towel and checking the chicken again while Dan talks. When he asks about travelling, she looks up at him again. “Oh, I’m not sure, love. We’ve never really discussed it.” She said. They’d never really travelled much. Little day trips here and there. Weekend getaways in places they could get to in the car. They did occasionally make a trip to Florida, and that was quite nice, though she got a little queasy on planes. But aside from that, they’d spent a good majority of their lives in their little hometown, and she didn’t entirely mind that. “I’m sure Nigel wouldn’t mind it. He’s doing the whole ‘live life to the fullest’ thing these days. Can’t blame him.” She smiled, glancing back at her husband warmly. Being so sick had given him a new outlook. And maybe it would be nice to travel a little, since they were retired, and still young enough and healthy enough to manage it. They’d never really gone anywhere without the boys either. Travelling had always been a family affair.  
19:48  
May 🌈  
Dan loves hearing that. If Nigel's open to it, Dan's sure Kathryn will go along on a trip and have a good time. She's very committed in that way, she's just happy to be around her husband. Dan understands. Maybe part of it is just that generation, but Dan feels the same way. Phil could drag him to any shitty party or any lame business meeting and Dan will be happy just to be by Phil's side. "You should think about it. I think it might feel good to get out of here for a bit. You work so hard, you should have some fun. Maybe relax, even?" Dan jokes. He adds, "Really. You can live life to the fullest, too. We want you to have a good time. There's a whole world out there if you want to see it. Maybe we could all go together. If you want, or if you're worried about him. The point is that it's about you and Nigel. If he wants to get out there, we can do that for him. And for you. You work so hard, Kath. You're such an amazing woman. Maybe it's time everyone starts giving something back to you instead of just taking all the time." Dan doesn't really mean to go off so hard, he just loves Kathryn very much and it bothers him to know she's never been able to be her own person, really.  
20:01  
Charlie 🎄  
“Oh stop it.” She smiled, shaking her head. “I’ve got all I need, you silly thing. I’ve got a wonderful family with the man I love and the reward for all that hard work is watching you all fly our nest.” She chuckled. “I’ve got two wonderful boys who have grown into wonderful men, and they both have partners who treat them like gold. What more could I want?” She smiled, reaching out to give Dan’s hand a little squeeze. She didn’t feel like she had missed out on anything. This is what she always wanted. Since she was a very little girl she’d just wanted to be a mum. To have a family. And she had exactly that. Maybe she was old fashioned, maybe their family had been quite traditional in the sense that Nigel had worked while she stayed home to tend the kids and the house. But that was okay. It made her happy, to do all that. “You boys do so much for us, and you work hard too.” She smiled. Every time she spoke to one of her sons, it seemed they were busy with work, planning something or meeting deadlines or filming or whatever else. They were always very busy, and they worked so hard. But they came by that honestly enough.  
20:51  
May 🌈  
Dan just has to take Kathryn's word for it. He loves Phil dearly, but the thought of not having a career, just taking care of their flat all day long every day for a lifetime isn't exactly pleasant. He would get inevitably, massively depressed, but that isn't Kathryn. Maybe it's a bit too late to change her mind on it, so he drops it for now. He'll bring it up with Phil later, maybe Phil will know how better how to talk to her about her own needs. Dan holds her hand softly and gives her a reassuring smile, "Okay, Kath. If you change your mind and you want to give something else a shot, we can do that. It's about what you want, not just what you need. You know Phil and I would love to do more for you. We want you to be comfortable." Dan rubs her back for a moment, "I'm keeping you all to myself. I'm sorry." He makes a move to head back to sit with the others so Kathryn can actually spend time with her family, not just catching up with her son's clingy boyfriend.  
21:02  
Charlie 🎄  
For a moment, she feels like perhaps she’s upset him. She hadn’t meant to, of course. She just didn’t want Dan feeling sorry for her or something. She was very happy with her life and there’s not a thing she would change about it. She didn’t want Dan to feel like he owed her something. “You boys do more for us than we’d ever ask for.” She assured him. “But thank you, Dan. I’ll chat with Nigel about it. See if there’s anything he’d like to do, or somewhere he’d like to see. We’ll get back to you.” She promised. A family vacation would be nice, maybe. She’d think about it. For now, it seemed there wasn’t much left to talk about, and Dan seemed eager to get away. “Let them know dinners almost ready, will you dear?” She smiled, watching Dan head back into the dining room again with the others.

Phil looked up when Dan approached, and smiled. “You were in there a long time.” He chuckled. “Did she talk your ear off?” He smiled. It was just Phil and his dad sat at the table now. Martyn and Cornelia has gone upstairs to put their bags down and settle in a little bit before dinner, and Phil had stayed down here with his father, who chatted on about something he saw on the news, or something he and Kathryn had done the other day, or whatever crossed his mind. He was a rather talkative man, though the conversation was mostly idle chitchat. He wasn’t the type to talk about anything too serious or important. He never had been.  
21:51  
May 🌈  
"Thank you, Kathryn. I will," Dan slips out to rejoin the rest of the family. He feels he's intruding when he sees it's just Phil and his father, so Dan backtracks a step. Phil can share his mum, but he needs all the quality, alone time with his dad he can get. He looks relieved, maybe. Happy, of course, but something else, as well. Comforted to be here with his father who he worries so much about or maybe a little on edge to be reminded. After the conversation about Kathryn not wanting anything for herself, Phil's comment about Kathryn talking too much just sort of rubs Dan the wrong way. He knows Phil means no harm, he adores his mother. Dan just doesn't take it well, but he doesn't let that show at all, "No, of course not. Your mum's an angel, like always. You know me, I'm the one who won't give her a moment's peace." Dan suggests, "I'll head upstairs and put stuff away, give you some space. Oh, Kath says dinner will be ready soon." Something about a woman being in the kitchen, serving her family, asking for nothing in return except her family's love and personal happiness doesn't sit right with Dan.  
21:58  
Charlie 🎄  
“You sure, love? We can take everything upstairs after dinner.” Phil says. Something looks odd about him, and Phil’s not sure how to place it. He knows that while Dan loves visiting Phil’s family, sometimes he can get a little overwhelmed. It’s such a stark contrast to his own family, Phil supposed. And even quite different to their own life at home. Phil’s parents were always quite old fashioned, but he’d never thought much of it. He and Dan weren’t exactly what you could call a traditional couple, but that was okay. Still, Phil looked over Dan once more, trying to pinpoint what was wrong, and continuing to come up blank. They’d talk about it later, maybe. For now, if Dan was getting overwhelmed, Phil knew the best thing was to let him have a few minutes of space to gather himself. “Want me to give you a hand?” He offered again. But if Dan wanted a few minutes alone, that was okay as well.  
22:49  
May 🌈  
It is just a little weird for Phil to call him 'love' in front of his dad. It isn't the first time and Nigel doesn't mention it if he notices or cares. He doesn't, of course, Nigel is lovely. So lovely that he speaks up before Dan can reject Phil's offer, "Go on, lads, you ought to clean up first. I'll go have a turn chatting your mum's ear off." He gives Phil a light-hearted wink before standing tall to join his wife in the kitchen and grab some juice to hold him over until supper. That's that on that, Dan supposes. He gives Nigel a smile before the man disappears behind the kitchen door.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," Dan apologizes genuinely. He picks up his own backpack and both his and Phil's laptop cases before they head upstairs together. They didn't bring all that much, since this isn't meant to be a particularly long trip. Just long enough to last them here and another day or two in Manchester. Phil's childhood room has loads of memories in it. They fell in a lot of love in this room, in this old bed. It's a special sort of time capsule. Dan doesn't feel like he's eighteen again. In fact, the room makes him feel much older in contrast to the person he used to be. Dan smiles, "I don't know how this room still smells like you. It's amazing." It's an odd thing to say, but Phil must understand. Dan opens the same drawer he always takes and starts folding clothes he previously shoved unceremoniously into his backpack, running late, per usual.  
23:03  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil hovers in the doorway of the old room, and smiles to himself. It all somehow feels smaller. What used to be plenty of space for a teenage boy now felt almost miniature. He’s grown a lot, he supposed. But there’s another person now. He never sleeps alone in this room anymore. And it’s almost eerie how highly I changed it is. His parents had cleaned it up a bit, a new coat of paint, they’d taken down all those ugly old posters and things. But at its core, this was very much the exact same bedroom he’d grown up in. His whole life started in here. From bassinet, to a crib, to a toddler bed, upgrading every few years and ending with the double bed that sat here now. This room had grown and changed with him. Until it stopped. Now, the room lay stagnant, having reached its full potential, while Phil continued to grow and change elsewhere. It was awfully bittersweet. And this was the kind of thing he meant, when he talked about ghosts. This room held so many memories. Good and bad. They were etched into every inch of the space. There were markings on the door frame, from when his dad used to measure his height there. There was a chip in the corner of the window frame, from where Phil had broken it in his one and only attempt to sneak out. There were pin holes in the walls from posters and calendars and picture frames hung up and removed over the years. A familiar stain on the ugly carpet from the time Phil attempted to take up painting. Old photo albums were stacked on the desk, full of memories of childhood friends. It was all still here. This is where he fell in love. It’s where he received the good news that he’d been accepted to uni. It’s where he started talking to Dan, on an old laptop he no longer had. It’s where he filmed his first video. But it was also where his mum sat him down and told him his grandma had died. It’s where he’d received a phone call from a hysterical university friend over Christmas break that His boyfriend at the time was found dead. It’s where his dad sat and told Phil some of his final wishes, just in case. This room had so many ghosts. Good and bad and everything in between. And he’s so caught up in that, that he doesn’t even hear Dan when he speaks.  
23:19  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't take long to catch on that something's bothering Phil. He always listens to Dan, it generally takes quite a lot to distract his attention away from his partner. Besides, Phil is so full of life and energy, seeing him zone out like that isn't natural. Dan gives Phil a moment or two before deciding maybe he shouldn't let Phil's mind wander too far right now. It's been a long day of traveling, so right about now, Phil needs some food, comfort, and sleep. Dan moves to join Phil near the doorway and rests a gentle hand on his shoulder to catch his attention. "Baby," Dan whispers like he has a hundred times in this room. He doesn't think he really needs to prod, but he still asks, "Is something going on?" Dan's scared Nigel might have already told Phil about the recent cancer scare. He doubts Nigel would purposely ever bring that up, but if it slipped out, it will have Phil in shambles the rest of the trip. Dan doesn't even plan to tell Phil. He'll gladly spend the rest of his life chasing away Phil's ghosts the way Phil does for Dan. Skeletons, rather, in the case of that boyfriend of Phil's that Dan tries not to think about. It's partly selfish, but he also knows he won't be able to let it go like Phil tries so hard to if he knows too much.  
23:28  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil comes back to the present moment at Dan’s light touch, and smiles. “No, no. Everything’s fine. Sorry love.” Phil says, leaning in to peck Dan’s lips gently. It’s true, nothings wrong. Phil just can’t help getting a bit swept up whenever he walks into this old room that has known and seen and heard so much. He supposes that hauntings are inevitable. When you live in a place long enough, you’re bound to leave your mark. And most of the memories here are pleasant ones. The ghosts are friendly, the majority of the time. “It’s always just so surreal being back here.” He said, setting his bag down on the bed, and sitting down next to it. “Do you ever feel like that? When you go home? Like it’s so familiar but it also feels like a completely other planet?” He asked. That’s the best way Phil could describe it. Familiar, but foreign. Memories of a life long past. He wasn’t five years old anymore, sitting on this same carpet playing with his toys. He wasn’t 13, wondering if it was normal to want to kiss other boys. He wasn’t 18, packing up the essentials and preparing to move to York for the next four years. And he wasn’t 22, recently graduated, and newly in love for the first time after three years of heartbreak and grief. Here he was, 32, soon to be 33, and all of those memories seemed like they happened multiple lifetimes ago.  
23:43  
May 🌈  
Dan returns Phil's light kiss and closes the door behind them for privacy, just in case. Dan follows Phil to the bed and stands between his spread legs just to be closer to him. "You could say that," Dan shrugs with a light smile. They both know it isn't the same for Dan, but he humors Phil, "It sort of feels like that at my grandparents' house. Like, it was home at one point, it just isn't anymore. I always felt sort of…" 'Unwelcome' is the first word to come to Dan's mind, but he doesn't want to bring Phil down, "...out of place after we moved out when I was a kid." This isn't about Dan's daddy issues, though, it's about Phil. Dan rests his forearms on Phil's shoulders comfortably, a row of knuckles ever so gently brushing against Phil's cheek, "Why does it feel like another planet? What's on your mind?" It might be too much for Phil to open up about whatever's going on with him right now, but Dan has seen what happens when Phil's stress becomes overwhelming, so Dan isn't going to miss an opportunity to check in with Phil and reduce his stress in any way he can.  
23:53  
Charlie 🎄  
That’s a good way to put it. Out of place. This is still Phil’s home. It always has been, and it always will be, but as an adult, it feels less like coming home, and more like visiting. Their flat in London feels like coming home. And that’s a big odd. But it’s normal, Phil guesses. He imagines most people must feel that way. Or maybe it’s just him, which also wouldn’t be surprising. “There’s just so much in here.” Phil said, attempting to explain his thought process. “So many memories, you know? Good ones, and really good ones, and bad ones, and really bad ones, and it just... doesn’t feel like... I don’t know. I feel like a totally different person now.” He said. It sounded strange even to him, and he didn’t expect Dan to understand it. There was just a strange bittersweet feeling that came with thinking back on old memories, and realizing that that version of himself no longer existed. So not only was this room, this house, full of the ghosts of old memories, but also full of the ghosts of the people he and his family used to be. Snapshots in time, that you could never fully go back to. It was a lot to try and put into words. “It’s not a bad thing, though.” He said. “It’s good. Change is good.” He smiled, his arms looping loosely around Dan’s waist. “In ten more years we might come back here and this will be one of those memories. This version of us won’t exist anymore. It’s just... weird. But good.” He said.  
9 November 2019  
00:14  
May 🌈  
Dan understands. Oh, does Dan understand. This room triggered Phil into feeling a lot all at once. It happens to Dan all the time. He's sorry it's happening to Phil. Dan tries to comfort him with a gentle reminder, "Change can be good, but not always. It isn't comfortable or easy." He gives Phil some quiet time to think on that before adding, "You're not a different person to me. Maybe it's just because I'm always looking, and maybe this doesn't help, but you're the most stable person I've ever known in my life. You change, sure, but you're still just as thoughtful, funny, clever, sweet… It's only some details that have changed." Dan doesn't dare mess up Phil's quiff, but he can't quite help but run his fingertips over the very short hair on the back of his neck, "You remember when I first visited and we walked to that park nearby? We lied down and looked at the stars and you went on talking about how quickly things change. You said looking out at the sky made you feel like you're on another planet." Dan smiles thinking of that lovely, dreamy man. He loves the way Phil talks. He's an English major, but he still describes things in such an innocent way, Dan can't help but be enamored. "It hurt, to get here from there, didn't it? It's a lot of change. Wasn't always good. That's okay. It doesn't have to be. You're still you. That's what matters."   
00:24  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil listens to Dan, and he smiles. Dan knows what to say. He knows how to take Phil’s bumbling, random thoughts and make them into something that may actually be realistic, and reasonable. He’s good at keeping Phil grounded, keeping his head out of the clouds. And Phil so appreciates that. “Some of it has been hard.” Phil agrees. He didn’t think anybody had an absolutely perfect and effortless life experience. Everyone struggled with something. Everyone had trauma. Everyone had bad memories. But those negative things weren’t everything. They were just tiny pieces in a larger puzzle. And Phil rested his head happily against Dan’s chest for a moment, just enjoying right now, and knowing that right this moment, they were adding another positive memory to their lives. Just like Dan’s childhood home, this place held a lot of memories, a lot of stories, some of which Dan had never heard, some of which he may never hear, and many of which he was already familiar with. Maybe someday Dan would hear all of Phil’s stories, and Phil would hear all of Dan’s. They had all the time in the world for that. And that would be another type of change. A change to being more open. “Thanks, Bear. How did I ever manage without you?” He chuckled.  
08:26  
May 🌈  
"It doesn't have to be hard right now. We're here and we're together. We're changing together, that makes it loads easier. I think." Dan tenderly cups the back of Phil's neck with his palm to keep him close. "Mm, I try not to think about you without me," Dan jokes quietly. It's true, he thinks it's unhealthy to think about them being apart. "It doesn't matter. You don't have to manage without me ever again." Dan thinks that's a fair promise. Sure, bad things happen, but considering Dan's luck with tragedy, he seriously doubts Phil will be the one to lose Dan someday far, far down the line. Dan very quickly changes his train of thought before he can upset himself with the 'c' word, "You feel alright, love? Do you want to lie down a minute?" Dinner can wait if Phil is feeling fatigued. Dan runs his hand over Phil's back slowly and soothingly, he obviously needs it. Something about this trip back home is really affecting Phil. Like Kathryn said, all Dan can really do is be here for him. Maybe that's enough. Dan would do anything to help Phil feel better if only he knew all the answers.   
10:42  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m alright, babe. I am. Promise.” Phil smiles, his lips pressing ever so softly against Dan’s neck, just below his jawline. “I’m good.” He says again. What he’s feeling right now are not bad feelings. It’s a lot of bittersweet nostalgia, being back in his childhood bedroom. And for whatever reason, it’s hitting him a little harder today than it usually does. He’s not upset, he doesn’t feel bad. He’s happy to be here, surrounded by all the people that mean the most to him. “What about you? You’re doing okay?” He asks softly, recalling how Dan had looked a little bit shaken downstairs. Maybe he was feeling the same way about this place. That same sort of nostalgia. Or maybe it was something else. Dan had been in the kitchen with Kathryn for some time. And Phil had to wonder if she’d said something. She might have asked about Dan’s parents, or about any number of things Dan wasn’t quite okay with. And Phil just wanted to be sure that there were no tensions between them.  
12:19  
May 🌈  
Dan lets his eyes slip shut when Phil kisses his neck. The first time he did that in this room, Dan properly freaked out. He didn't want to, he wanted his boyfriend to give him a hickey, he just couldn't handle it. He can now. Phil's right, they have changed over the years. For a moment, Dan wonders if Phil is upset at how Dan has changed over the years, but only for a moment. Dan is better than he was. Their relationship is better than ever before. "I'm good," he promises in a very soft tone. He leans down to kiss Phil's forehead, "I love you. It's really nice to be here." It sure doesn't make Dan miss London. At all. He misses the new snails, but the parts of London that can't follow them to Manchester don't mean much to Dan when compared to all that's waiting for them here. Nothing's more important than being close to family. What could mean more than this? Sharing laughter and happiness with the people who mean most to them is priceless. London couldn't hope to compare. Cornelia and Martyn will never move back, but they're close enough to visit often enough.  
12:27  
Charlie 🎄  
“Good.” Phil says, just as softly. He wraps his arms around Dan’s waist, holding him closely for a moment or two. This place will always mean something special to them. They fell in love here. They had a lot of firsts here. There were moments, during some of Dan’s very first visits, that Phil wondered what he’d gotten himself into. Because the boy he knew online, so confident behind a screen, was much more nervous and damaged when he arrived. Dan had talked a little bit in those early days about his family struggles, but Phil didn’t know just how deep it went. Dan’s fears and insecurities weren’t visible through their grainy laptop cameras. It was only once he was here, in person, that Phil began to see the cracks in Dan’s carefully moulded shell. And it was hard, in the beginning. When they didn’t know each other that well. It was easy to mess up, for Phil to cross boundaries he didn’t know were there. It was a lot of trial and error to figure out what was okay, because communication wasn’t their strongest asset at the time. Those early days were so much fun, so exciting and new and unlike anything Phil had before. But it came with its fair share of heartache too. They were both damaged, in different ways, and it took time to make that work. And here they were, ten years later, and Phil thought they’d worked out just fine.  
17:19  
May 🌈  
Dan smiles at Phil's simple response. Dan never could have imagined he and Phil would end up here. He knew early on he would never be the one to leave Phil, but he truly thought for a very long time that he too eventually, would see how worthless Dan is and leave him. Dan would have understood. At this point, that concept is a little ridiculous, but maybe deep, deep inside, some unconscious part of Dan still believes that. But when he was eighteen, he didn't even think he would survive that long, let alone stay in love with someone as amazing as Phil until twenty-eight. Today, Dan knows Phil loves him, and he knows Phil will always love him. Finally, Dan murmurs, "Your mum's food always smells so good. I'm starving." He gives Phil's shoulder a squeeze before stepping back a little so he can stand, "Let's go to bed early tonight, yeah? You look tired." Beautiful as ever, but there's a tinge of red around those clear blue eyes that Dan would like to chase away. If he can get Phil to relax on this trip, maybe they can bring a good sleep schedule back with them.  
17:28  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil stays there a moment, arms around Dan’s middle and his head tucked against his shoulder, just taking in the warmth of him. The room didn’t feel so overwhelming anymore. Not now, not with Dan. And when Dan spoke about dinner, Phil smiled, and nodded. “She’s a good cook.” He smiled. She always had been, as long as Phil could remember. She spent a lot of time in the kitchen, cooking meals, or baking. It’s where she seemed the happiest. And often, that’s how Phil knew when something was wrong. If his mum couldn’t cook, it meant something was wrong. “I’m okay, love.” He added gently, as he stood up again with Dan, and took his hand. These last couple of weeks had been up and down. It was exhausting. And Phil was tired. But he was okay. Things were looking up now, a little bit. Dan’s meds were working well. His mum was still with Dan’s grandparents. Their fish tank was almost ready, everyone in their lives was healthy, and everything was good. But still Dan worried. And maybe Dan would always worry about him. Phil knew the feeling. But instead of worrying about each other, maybe they ought to make an effort to just enjoy the moment they were in. “C’mon, lets go get some dinner.” He smiled, squeezing Dan’s hand softly.  
10 November 2019  
01:30  
May 🌈  
That's just about all Dan thinks he'll be able to do for Phil for now. There's only so many "I'm okay"s and "I'm fine"s Dan can take before he drops it, even if Phil's clearly not totally, fully okay. When Phil takes his hand, Dan kisses Phil's with a smile before joking about the dinner part of what Phil said, "Talk dirty to me." On that light-hearted note, they head back down to rejoin their family just in time for dinner. Dan still worries, keeping that corner of his eye trained on his partner as always. But tonight is good. It's relieving even to Dan, even after all this time, to see Nigel so full of life. Nothing makes him happier than having the whole family here around the dinner table. When Dan and Phil sit down at the table, he's talking across the table with Martyn about a recent football game they already talked about over the phone together earlier this week. Cornelia is obviously suffering. She likes football as much as the next person, but she seems actually relieved to see two people who care just as little about it as she does. "Again," she confirms with raised brows when Dan quietly asks if they're actually talking about that same game with such enthusiasm.

Cornelia certainly had a 'spare me' look about her, so Dan jokes, "Just wait until Eurovision." Oh, do the tables turn during Eurovision, something Nigel and Martyn actively avoid. 

Dan makes Cornelia laugh, so it's worth Martyn's eye roll, "It was a really good game!" Then he's telling them why the game was so good, like Dan and Phil care.  
05:31  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is so very good at tuning out the football talk. After this many years, it’s just a faint buzzing in his ears. Though thankfully the buzzing doesn’t last long, because Kathryn has come out of the kitchen with her roast chicken laid nicely on a platter. “Dig in, go on! I’ll just grab the veggies!” She added, disappearing as soon as she arrived. She always went above and beyond for these family dinners, because they didn’t happen very often. Nigel took it upon himself to stand, and begin slicing the bird, and soon enough Kathryn arrived again with an armload of veggies and sides. There was enough food to feed an army. And Phil knew that he and Dan would likely end up taking some home, because Kathryn always sent them home with leftovers. It was just a very mum thing to do, Phil thought. And before long, they all had full plates, and the football chat had switched to a more general catching up, with Kathryn asking Cornelia about her music. Phil would never tire of this. He didn’t appreciate family dinners enough when he lived here. He often just wanted to get some food down and head upstairs to finish his school work or to play games or in the later years of his living here, talk to Dan. So rarely had he cared about catching up on everyone’s day. Now, he listened intently.  
11 November 2019  
01:51  
May 🌈  
Just in time, here Kathryn is to the rescue. They all spend far too long complimenting her cooking, but it's more than well-deserved. No part of this was familiar to Dan the first dinner he had here. As frightened as he was, Kathryn and Phil and everyone else made him feel more at home than he knew he could feel anywhere. Dan didn't know this was real, that families actually sit around old, wooden dining tables and eat food that tastes like a warm blanket feels and talk about each other with interest and love. Dan didn't understand where the tension went. He didn't understand why they were so nice to him, and he was wary of it at first. Dan believed good things are just bad things in disguise. Maybe part of him still believes that, but not at all in the same way. Just because life hasn't always been kind to Dan doesn't mean people can't be kind to him. Good people open their homes to their son's weird, shy, emo boyfriend. All these years later, it's still healing Dan, one dinner at a time. Finally, after the chaos with his mother, Dan starts truly feeling more like himself again. He chats with everyone, wholeheartedly enjoying himself. Not because Phil is happy, not because he's making Phil's family happy by participating, but because this family is stable and lovely. Dan feels light and whole all at once. It isn't work like therapy is, it's natural and easy. Dan's smile hardly fades the whole dinner, no matter what silly thing they talk about. He didn't know how badly he needed this. Dan's mind wanders occasionally, imagining being close enough to be here for this much more often. He thinks about that dog Phil's been wanting forever, how cute it would be to bring a dog over to brighten everyone's evening. Those thoughts wander to uncharted territory as Dan imagines bringing a little toddler over, how happy that would make everyone, Kathryn especially. She loved having children, surely, she's quietly hoping on another chance. The thought doesn't frighten Dan. He considers it a moment and then just lets it go, no crisis necessary. It's a really cute thought: a little Phil here with them. In this moment, with all of Phil's family around, Dan has no doubt they could raise a child. It's what happens when all this support and love isn't readily available that worries Dan. This family here at this table is perfect. Dan's family? Dan without this profound influence? Not so perfect. Cornelia totally takes Dan out of his head with mention of the Reading Festival this year. "We totally missed it! It was just too hectic for us I August. Too bad, I heard it was a really good year. We've always had loads of fun at Reading. We'll have to make up for it next year, maybe do all three days for once instead of chickening out Saturday afternoon. We should do Leeds for once. You know, before we get too old and tired." 

"Speak for yourself, old man, I'll still be doing Reading when I'm 90," Cornelia jokes, making everyone laugh. She's the first one to fall asleep during film nights, but Dan doesn't bring that up. Martyn does, though, and his bravery is met with a look that surely could kill. It's all in good fun.  
03:18  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles to himself, focusing as much on Dan as he does the conversations happening around them. He can tell that Dan is off in his head, gone down some rabbit hole of thoughts. But he doesn’t look worried by whatever it is he finds down there. He looks happy. Sometimes Phil wonders what Dan thinks about. Often, it’s not something he cares to share. Very commonly he just lets it go. And that’s fine, not every thought needs to be said out loud. But Dan sometimes got so lost, so wrapped up, that Phil had to wonder. Phil did that on occasion as well, but when Phil got lost, he was usually either thinking about the past, or about the future. Maybe Dan was doing the same. They’d been talking about the future a lot lately. About what they wanted, and what they were ready for. A house, definitely. A dog, maybe. If they could keep a fish alive. Marriage was a touchy subject, but it was still a maybe. A someday. And beyond that, Phil didn’t dare ask for more. Kids weren’t really a topic either of them were ready to broach with any seriousness. A brief mention of it here and there, an innocent joke. But no serious discussion. Not yet. Not until they were more settled and things were a little different. There was so much to consider. So many little decisions that would have to be made, from things as simple as the colour of the nursery, to things as complicated as how they’d actually... get a baby. Adoption, or surrogacy, or maybe they could foster. That was a lot, and Phil hadn’t even tackled the subject in his own head yet, let alone with Dan. Someday. When they felt a little more ready. Right now, Dan and Cornelia were talking about reading festival, and Phil smiled at their easy banter, letting a hand rest against Dan’s leg beneath the table out of habit. It was innocent of course, just a tiny show of affection that wasn’t immediately noticeable to anyone else.  
15:10  
May 🌈  
This is new. Obviously, everyone here knows Dan and Phil together. They know Dan and Phil better than anyone else in the world. Dan's instinctive reaction to Phil's hand on his leg is fear, but he reminds himself that's irrational, and the fear passes. Dan feels so very in love, so safe, loved, and fully happy. When they're finished eating, Dan rests his hand under the table to hold Phil's soft, delicate hand in his lap. It isn't even PDA because nobody can see their hands from any reasonable angle, but it feels like an accomplishment to Dan. Dan isn't a bad, selfish person for wanting to share a tender touch with his partner at a family dinner. Cornelia's resting her elbow on Martyn's shoulder playfully, Dan can hold Phil's hand if he wants. He smiles softly to himself and shares quick, subtle eye contact with Phil before jumping back into the conversation. After Cornelia and Martyn run out of things to talk about, Nigel asks, "Well, what about you boys? What's next?" 

As a rule of thumb, Dan hates that question, but laughs through it, "No pressure or anything. Actually, I'm not quite… certain. You saw photos of the fish, right? Tell me Phil sent you photos." That's easy. House, marriage, children, that can wait. The fish is a concrete topic Dan won't have to backtrack on later if things don't work out.  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil shoots his father a bit of a look. The man has never been great at navigating sensitive subjects. He was always very blunt. Right to the point. And that was an excellent trait to have, in some situations. In others, a bit more sensitivity would benefit him. “The fish is exciting.” Phil nodded, chuckling lightly. “We’re both working on a few little projects and things. Figuring out where the whole YouTube thing is going, what to do next.” He adds, knowing that if he can make the conversation about their careers, instead of their personal life, he can save Dan some anxiety. Their personal goals weren’t always easy to discuss, even with each other. Dan’s brain often got in the way. Surprisingly enough, it was one topic that didn’t give Phil anxiety. It was an area in which he knew exactly what he wanted. He was sure of it, confident in it. But for Dan, it was a more stressful issue. The conversations never lasted very long, and he didn’t want Dan to feel pressured, or put on the spot. His dad meant well, Phil knew. But now may not be the time for that discussion. Not here, in front of everyone. “I’ve been doing live streams again. Those have been fun. I got an actual green screen and everything, but I’m still learning how to use it.” He chuckled, hoping his dad would take the hint.  
15:54  
May 🌈  
"Yes, that little blue one with the long fins. It's quite the looker, like." Old-fashioned as Kathryn and Nigel are, they don't really expect the same from anyone else, even their sons. At least not anymore. Nigel struggled at first to understand why one son was entirely uninterested in marriage and children while the other was entirely uninterested in women altogether. It was never his intention to be cruel, he was younger and he thought differently about the world. He had never been outside this little, Northern town, never properly met a gay man. He didn't know how to connect with his son as he grew into a man. Truthfully, he didn't understand until his health suffered so. Through all of that, his sons who are so very different from him connected with him in ways he just hadn't considered before. As Kathryn has kindly pointed out to him, the problem is with Nigel's inability to express complex emotions rather than their children's life choices. Coming out the other end of a horrible battle with cancer, Nigel is much more open-minded. He's only lagging behind in the emotions realm. He'll never be properly sensitive, it just isn't who he is, really. Part of that is really struggling to pick up on social cues that don't come from his lovely wife, who has her own little language just to get through to his thick head. Luckily for Phil and Dan, Nigel is more than happy to follow the conversation wherever it goes. "Now you'll have to remind me, son, the live streams are the videos like the news, it broadcasts just as soon as you turn the camera on?" Dan is still amazed by the absolute determination of these people to never learn anything related to technology ever. 

"Yeah, Dad, and the green screen is the one putting up the map behind the weather girl," Martyn takes the piss out of Nigel.

"Your daft old man never could understand how they make those things work," Nigel joins in as they all laugh. "I'm sure you'll get it working in no time."

"It's up and running." Dan keeps this conversation going in an attempt to avoid the other one they nearly started, "It looks ace. Really. The BBC will be calling you back for another show in no time, Phil. This guy was born for radio."

"Aye, I remember. We listened to every program, it was… fun," for lack of a better word. Nigel didn't completely understand all of it, the newer programs are too quick for him, but he loved being able to hear his son and his son's partner laugh and have a good time. He imagines a lot of other people enjoyed that, too. "You ought to pitch them a new show, since they liked the last so much." Dan doesn't know if he has the energy for that commitment again, but Phil would love to be on the radio. That's basically what the liveshows are, from the news story of the week to the games he plays. YouTube isn't what it used to be, maybe radio would be a good option for Phil.  
16:06  
Charlie 🎄  
“Maybe one day.” Phil smiles. “Last year was so busy and everything, with the tour and all. I’ve been taking it easy this year.” He says. He’s somewhat of a workaholic, and his family knows that well. After the whole random fainting, brain scan incident, Phil decided to slow down a little. He loved to work, and he loved to be busy, but stressing himself out to the point of collapse wasn’t in anyone’s best interest. So he was happy with the way things were going. He still got to work on things and be creative and keep busy, but he also got to have a life. He had more time to spend with Dan, more time to do things like take weekend trips up north, or go to art museums and parks with Martyn and Cornelia. Things were good right now. And he didn’t really feel a need to search for the next big thing. The next big thing Phil wanted to pursue in his life had little to do with his career. He was in his thirties now. As strange as that still felt. He was a proper adult, and he was finding himself with a different set of dreams and goals. But it was nothing that he was ready to discuss with his family. Not yet.  
16:38  
May 🌈  
"That's well mint that," Nigel reassures Phil. He doesn't mean to discount Phil's personal achievements, he only means to say he thinks his son is capable of incredible things, he just doesn't always know how to get that point across without saying the wrong thing.

"That's for the best, Dear, really," Kathryn praises Phil with a smile. She must have worried half as much as Dan about Phil after he fainted, which in Dan's opinion is a fuckload. Dan was the one to make that phone call and it hurt to start the conversation with 'Phil's okay, but something's happened.' It had to hurt to hear. They were both in tears at the end of the conversation and Phil's brain scan wasn't even finished yet. "We're so proud of you two." Dan can't help the smile on his face when Kathryn says that. He doesn't often hear that with much sincerity, and Phil could certainly stand to hear it more often. "Dan, are you doing the live shows, as well?"

"No, no, that's Phil's thing. I'm not so good with those. I like having a script. He's brave. And, like, massively talented, obviously," Dan explains. He could talk Phil up all night. "I'm not sure what I want to do just yet. I'm in contact with a couple of organizations about public outreach campaigns. Nothing solid yet. We'll see. I'm mostly Phil's production crew. I help get the right angle and find news stories for him to talk about and help with some of the camera effects."

"I could use one of you around the house, Dan. Martyn sent us one of those… computer things. Kath, what was it?" Nigel looks to his wife for help.

Kathryn laughs, "Oh, my competition, that horrible Alexie woman."

"Okay, in my defense, I actually thought it might help," Martyn laughs. "I mean, come on, you talk to it out loud and it will take care of all the tricky parts for you."

"It's for lonely old men is what it is," Kathryn criticizes lightheartedly. "Really, it's creepy. I read in the news that it records everything?"  
17:37  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil’s parents are so wonderful, and so old fashioned, and so... just plain old. They knew how to check their email, they knew how to watch YouTube, and that was the complete extent of their internet experience. And maybe that was for the better. Martyn has tried to upgrade them to the 21st century, but they could never really catch on. They could text, they could send photos, and not much else. But it was cute.

“Oh, your mothers a conspiracy theorist.” Nigel shook his head. “Even if she is listening to everything we say, she’s just going to hear us squawking at each other all day.” He said. “Maybe she’s recording your snoring at night and sending it to the government for research.” He teased.

Kathryn huffed, and glanced at her sons, exasperated. “You see? You see what’s happened since the two of you moved out? He hasn’t got you to pick on and he’s turned on me.” She said. “I think I ought to send him back where I got him.” She shook her head, though she was smiling.

So was Phil. His parents had been married a long time. That sort of banter and bickering was so common, and it was how they showed their affection, Phil thought. Didn’t he and Dan do the same thing sometimes? Being able to laugh at each other was a good thing in a relationship. And everything Phil had learned about good relationships, he’d learned from his parents.  
20:03  
May 🌈  
Dan is literally looking at his future. In many ways, he's looking at his present, as well. Dan and Phil made a career on this exact kind of loving, committed banter. They built a beautiful relationship on it, as well, just like Nigel and Kathryn. They're so cute, looking at each other with big smiles, fondly teasing each other, all the while gladly sharing their lives together. Dan wants to be old with Phil. He doesn't think he'll ever be clueless, but he wants to retire and not care about new trends. He wants to sit at his family dinner table with his grown children giving them and their partners the same love Kathryn and Nigel are giving them now. Dan wants that quiet, lovely, happy life with Phil. He squeezes Phil's hand without realizing he's doing it. "Reckon you lost my receipt. You're stuck with me now. What was that- something about better or worse?" Maybe Nigel doesn't believe he's made changes, but he didn't used to be so comfortable with even this chaste level of PDA. He looks into Kathryn's eyes like she's his soulmate. She is. 

Dan could actually start crying, but before he has a chance to say something, Martyn speaks up, "Ugh, gross, Mum quit it!" 

Kathryn just laughs, knowing Martyn means no harm, "I swear I've got you on tape somewhere saying that, Tynnie. Let me think, I think it's in with the 1990 tapes? Oh, it's so precious, Martyn said it and then Philly, you picked it up, and you just wouldn't stop whining 'gross, Mummy!'"

"Darlin', I know the exact tape. I'll go dig it out of the attic if you put on a brew," Nigel suggests, really willing to climb up into the attic to get a rise out of his sons. 

"Uh, no, Dad-" Martyn tries before Dan cuts him off, clearly having a grand time. Dan is always down for Nigel's home films. 

"No, that's a great idea, Nigel, I'll climb up for you," Dan offers.   
20:20  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil looks at Dan, with a look of what surely comes across as pure betrayal. Not that Dan hasn’t seen Phil’s baby photos and home videos a hundred times, but he always gets such a kick out of them. Dan doesn’t have much of that, Phil doesn’t think. He recalls when they both made those videos, reacting to their old home movies, and all Dan could find was a single tape from when he was around six years old. Phil had seen a handful of his baby photos, but it didn’t seem there was much documentation of Dan’s childhood. Phil on the other hand, couldn’t escape his father’s old video camera. There were tapes of him and Martyn spanning back many, many years. His dad still kept an old VCR just for the purpose of watching them, and embarrassing his sons at every turn.

“That’s the enthusiasm I’m looking for!” Nigel laughed, patting Dan on the shoulder as he stood, and watching the look of horror in his sons faces. “Come on then, lets go see what we can find up there. I’m sure there’s a few you’ve never seen.” Nigel said, smiling down at Dan again.  
20:46  
May 🌈  
Even for something as simple as agreeing to climb up a ladder, Nigel's praise has Dan feeling all kinds of warm in his chest. He gives Phil a wink before standing with Nigel to head down the hall with him. Kathryn leaves to put clean up the table and put a kettle on the stove, excited to watch home movies with her family. Cornelia helps to clear the table for an excuse to have a moment alone with Kathryn. As soon as it's just the two brothers left at the table, Martyn reaches under the table to kick his little brother's shin lightly, just to let him know: "Good going, Phil. You couldn't have distracted them with fish pictures, for like, five minutes until their bedtime?" It's all in good fun, perhaps with just a bit of actual resentment. Cornelia loves this just as much as Dan, which is a lot, but Martyn hates those videos a lot more than Phil does, especially the 1990 pack.

The first issue is that literally all the boxes are mislabeled. There's no real organization to this place above the second story, so Dan decides this will take a lot longer than he'd like it to. Dan would love to waste a weekend organizing all of this stuff for them, maybe move it to the garage so Nigel can easily reach it. "I see… let's see, I've got a box full of school papers." It might be a tad inefficient to go through each box individually, so Dan asks, "What did you say the label on the box is?"  
20:59  
Charlie 🎄  
Nigel walks with Dan up the stairs, and down the hallway to the rickety old hatch door in the ceiling. He pulls on the cord, and unfolds the old ladder, and lets Dan go up. He could do it himself, of course. But he knows Dan likes to help, so Nigel lets him help. Once Dan’s legs disappear, and he starts calling down for more instruction, Nigel opts to climb a few rings until he can poke his head and upper body into the attic and see what Dan’s seeing. “Oh lord knows, these boxes are all wrong.” He shook his head, looking around at all the clutter strewn about. That’s what happened when you lived in a place for 40 years, you accumulated a lot of junk, and stuck it into the attic instead of dealing with it. “The boxes are all labeled wrong, but the tapes are right. Just start opening things, yeah? Don’t be scared, there’s no secrets up here.” He chuckled, eventually opting to climb fully into the attic to help Dan rummage through the boxes. There was so much junk up here. The boys old school work, old boxes of clothes from when they were children, old toys, things they realistically didn’t need. It’s not like they’d be dressing any babies again in their lifetime. Well, not their own. They were well past that stage of their lives. But Nigel knew that Kathryn kept this stuff for one, because she was sentimental, and for another, because she’d like to pass some of it on to their grandbabies one day, if that day ever came. If it didn’t, then they were just stuck with a bunch of old rotten baby clothes. “She keeps the most bizarre things.” Nigel mumbled as he pulled the lid off a box, containing nothing but old ties from the kids school uniforms. “What are we ever supposed to do with these? Madwoman.” He smiled, replacing the lid. “I bet you’ve got the same problem.” He chuckled. “Phil’s a hoarder just the same, isn’t he?”  
21:21  
May 🌈  
Dan gets nervous when Nigel climbs up the stairs. He knows full and well Nigel probably pushes himself far past what anyone else is comfortable with when Dan and Phil aren't here, but seeing the older man do it on Dan's watch doesn't feel great. Dan can't say anything, of course, he never has before. All he can do is be here to help Nigel in any way he allows. Dan takes a quick glance to make sure Nigel has a good grip before opening boxes one at a time to check for VHS tapes. Dan has to chuckle at Nigel's mention of secrets. He doubts Nigel and Kathryn have ever kept a secret from anyone, they just aren't the type. "It's sweet, really," Dan mentions as he opens a box to find it overfilled with old, stained sheets. Okay, maybe it is a bit mad. Dan puts the lid right back on and continues to another box. "Phil's certainly a homebody. We've got about… I don't know, a thousand DVD's we never touch. He won't let me get rid of my old jumpers that don't fit me anymore. Oh, he has this big, huge chest he keeps at the end of the bed full of props he's used for videos. We agreed on just the one box, but it's so full, it doesn't close properly anymore." Dan smiles at the thought, "He worked really hard to donate some of our extra things when we moved to our new flat. I was so proud of him, it wasn't easy. It took about two videos, all of two weeks, now the chest is full again." Dan takes on a very deep box, but it's only full of unfolded, messy clothes. "Oh, dear, more uniforms," Dan sighs as he closes it back up again, cringing because he can't at least fold the clothes. "I should be more grateful we don't have any storage space. There's only so many storage bins he can fit in the flat."  
22:04  
Charlie 🎄  
Nigel sees the way Dan watches him, wary, clearly concerned. And it’s nice, really, but he doesn’t need to be so worried. He’s been doing quite well, he gets around just fine. A few aches and pains, and he’s a bit slower than he used to be. A little weaker. But he was certainly still functional enough to get up in the attic and dig around. “Just like his mother.” Nigel said, shaking his head. “He always has taken after her. But it’s good, I suppose. Otherwise poor Kath would have three of me running around. She needed to have one turn out like her.” He chuckled. He opened another box then, finally coming across something resembling what he was looking for. “Photo albums!” He announced, pulling one out to take a look. This wasn’t all of them, by any means. They must have filled a photo album every year, they must have over 30 by now. This was just a few, and as he flipped open the front cover, he realized this one was from the year Phil was born. One of the older ones, then. “Oh, look at him. He was such a tiny thing. Used to hold him in one hand, and Kathryn would shout at me, like I was going to drop him.” He chuckled. “Don’t know what she was worried about, I had plenty of practice throwing Martyn around.” He grinned, turning the book so Dan could see the first page, which was a family portrait taken by a friendly nurse at the hospital the day Phil arrived. They were all a whole lot younger then.  
22:25  
May 🌈  
Dan gives up on the box he's currently digging through to have a look at whatever has Nigel so excited. "Oh, I can't imagine Kathryn shouting at anyone. Especially you, she adores you." Besides the fact that Kathryn is a literal angel, Nigel and Kathryn seem to be the perfect couple. Dan can't imagine them having serious problems. Dan's attention quickly shifts when he actually sees a photo of Nigel holding an infant in one arm and a toddler in the other, "Wow. I don't know what you're on about, Phil being like Kath. I can't believe I've never noticed before, you literally look just like Phil in this photo. He's the spitting image. It's spooky, like I'm actually looking at him." He looks at it from a couple different angles, wondering why it's never hit him before. The man in this photo could literally be Phil if Dan didn't know better. Maybe Phil's emo fringe threw Dan off all these years, maybe it's just the lighting in that particular photo. Maybe Nigel had broader shoulders, bigger hands, perhaps different eyebrows, but that could easily be Dan's partner and it is disturbing.  
22:35  
Charlie 🎄  
“That’s the thing about kids, dear.” Nigel chuckled. “They tend to look like their parents.” He teased. But it’s true, really. Phil does look a lot like him. Or, like he used to. “I was about his age here.” He said. “Maybe a little younger. Martyn was so excited.” He smiled. Most kids were excited about the idea of younger siblings. Until they were actually around a while and they found something to fight and argue about. “They were a couple of absolute terrors growing up.” He recalls fondly. “Only two years apart. Or was it three? They were too close, anyway.” He chuckled. “When they weren’t trying to rip each other apart, they were teaming up and causing trouble.” He smiled, moving to sit a little closer to Dan, so they could both get a good look as Nigel flipped the pages. These photos were all from Phil’s first year. Happy baby smiles and sour crying faces, chubby cheeks covered in food and cute little holiday themed outfits that Kathryn insisted on. “He was an incredibly easy baby though. Martyn didn’t sleep a wink for five years, I swear. Phil slept through the night his first week at home. Hardly cried, easy to please. Though I suppose it’s always a bit easier the second go around.” He chuckled.  
23:14  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs with Nigel, really having a good time. Dan could actually talk about Phil all day long, he's so in love. All these baby pictures really make Dan happy. He wants to know everything about Phil, this is a big part of that. "Two years and three months," Dan mumbles without really thinking. Three months to the day, Dan has always thought is strange. "Not Phil," Dan challenges half-heartedly. "He's so anxious and sweet. I don't believe it. Was Martyn the master-mind? You can tell me," Dan jokes as he looks through the photo album slowly. Dan gets lost in his thoughts a moment before mentioning, "We need to scan all these photos. It's so humid here, I'd hate for them to go bad. They're precious. I'm sure Kath would feel better to know they're backed up somewhere. Just in case." If she has half of Phil's nerves, she'll wake up in the night every so often to check on the photos in the attic. Dan's sure he's caught Phil doing odd little things like that every so often, but he almost never calls him out on it. If it makes Phil feel better, why not let him?  
23:22  
Charlie 🎄  
“It depended on the day, and what they were trying to accomplish. But Phil was usually the brains behind it.” Nigel laughed. “And Martyn was the brawn.” He smiled. And when Dan mentioned scanning all the old photos, Nigel shook his head. “My god there must be thousands of photos up here. We were never too shy with the camera. But if you boys want to take on that challenge, you can be our guest.” He smiled. People didn’t keep photo albums anymore, he supposed. It was all on the phones. He didn’t understand it, but he didn’t really need to. It would be good, for the kids to convert all of this stuff into a format they could use. Because one day it was all going to be theirs anyway. This house and everything in it would someday get divided between their boys, and they could do with it what they pleased. But that was too far off to think about, and not the most pleasant of topics. “You can take some of these home, if you’d like. We haven’t got enough walls to frame them all.” He smiled. But he was glad they had them. All these memories. They didn’t have as much back then, old polaroids and big bulky video cameras. You couldn’t carry them around in your pocket, that was certain. And Nigel knew if ever he had grandkids, their baby photos and home videos would all be stuck on the Snapchat, or whatever it was.  
23:50  
May 🌈  
"Was he? Actually?" Dan is shocked. His Phil? Yeah, he can be a little shit when he wants to be, but a troublemaker? Dan can't imagine. He'll have to take the piss out of Phil for this sooner or later. "Of course, I really want to make sure these are safe. This is beautiful," Dan can't believe Kathryn has an entire room dedicated to the memories of her children. He's seen most of this before, but maybe it didn't hit him the same way before as it does now. Dan's parents have next to nothing by comparison. His grandmother did her best to save memories, but in her words, by the time they could afford a video camera, it was tricky to get footage of Dan smiling or laughing or playing or doing anything really memorable. Once his dad came around, all he wanted was to isolate himself to play video games, read, or play piano. Dan looks around the dusty, old attic, just processing how much Phil's parents love their sons. They always have and they always will. There is no question. They did everything right. People like this are made to be parents. Maybe some people just aren't. Dan spots a photo in the album that really makes his heart swell and decides he should do something special with that one. Maybe he can surprise Phil with it. Kathryn must have taken the photo: Nigel lies in bed with each small son in matching pajamas snuggled up to him under each arm, a book in one of Nigel's hands as he reads to them by candlelight. Most of the polaroids don't have captions, but this one is titled 'Power Outage '92' with a heart that looks to be in Kathryn's handwriting. Phil isn't even looking at the book, he's watching his father read to them, a look of love and admiration on his face. Martyn is asleep, of course. Nigel looks totally, blissfully content, not a care in the world. That's perhaps the main difference between him and Phil in these photos. Dan can usually see anxiety written on Phil's face, even in photos. Nigel doesn't want to hear how much this means to Dan, so he keeps it simple, "Thank you. This is beautiful."  
23:58  
Charlie 🎄  
Nigel watches Dan carefully. He’s been a dad a good long time now, and one skill that came with that, was being able to read minds. He could tell the moment one of his sons came through the door what type of a mood they were in. Dan wasn’t quite as easy to read, but Nigel still had a father’s eye. He could see the wheels turning in Dan’s head, and he seemed so genuinely thankful for a stack of dusty, dirty old photo albums. Maybe his parents hadn’t been much into photography. He’d never say it out loud, but from what he gathered over the years, it seemed Dan’s parents just weren’t interested in being parents. And that’s something he’d never understand. He supposed both of their boys were planned. They knew they wanted children and they took the steps to make it happen. But what if things were different? If they’d both been complete surprises, would they still be good parents? Nigel liked to think so. Surely, the love you had for your kids would override any uncertainty you had, or any fear, or any unpreparedness. But perhaps for some that wasn’t the case. “They’re all yours.” Nigel said, patting Dan gently on the back. “I’m sure Phil will tell you all the little stories. He’ll act all embarrassed, but he secretly loves it.” He chuckled. “And he loves you, so I can’t imagine he’ll be too torn up.” He smiled. He didn’t often get too sappy. It wasn’t the type of man he was. But he couldn’t help it, with Dan sitting there looking like he’d just received the best gift in the world.  
12 November 2019  
00:14  
May 🌈  
Nobody can fix what Dan and Adrian have been through, it's far too late. But for Dan to be holding evidence that the person who means the most to him in this world was loved and cared for and protected is soothing to Dan. He'll never know what it feels like to be one of those happy, sleepy children in the photo, snuggled up to their father as he reads to them to soothe them during a frightening power outage or electrical storm or whatever it was, but the love of his life does know. It gives Dan a lot of perspective. The world is not all bad and someone worthy of all this affection loves Dan. Phil truly knows what unconditional love is and he's decided to give that to Dan, who prior to Phil, didn't really believe that was real. As much as all of this tears at Dan's chest, he looks at Nigel with a warm smile. The man who first gave Phil all that unconditional love is giving Dan such a precious gift and in that small kindness, treating him more like a human being than his own father has ever been capable of. Dan is speechless. Dan recognizes he's pathetic for putting so much value in all this, and he must be making Nigel uncomfortable, so he changes the subject. "We still haven't found that tape," he finally teases. He sets the album down delicately near the entryway to tuck away into his suitcase carefully at the soonest possible time. It isn't particularly comfortable to part with the album. Maybe Dan is understanding part of the reason Phil gets so attached to things. It doesn't take all that long to find the tape Kathryn mentioned, along with several others Nigel is sure Cornelia and Dan haven't seen yet. Hundreds, if not thousands of hours of footage reside in this neglected attic. Dan wants to see all of it.   
00:24  
Charlie 🎄  
If there’s one thing Nigel knows, it’s that Dan is the one. He’s the one person that is absolutely meant to be with Phil. Phil needs someone like Dan, who’s love runs so deeply. It was rare, in the past, for Phil to bring a boy home to meet the family. At first it was just awkward, maybe. Unfamiliar territory for all of them. They accepted their son right away, of course, when they found out. But there was still a period of adjustment. Just getting used to the idea. It wasn’t as common, back in their day. Nigel didn’t know if he’d ever properly met a gay man before Phil came out to them. But in the end, it was easy enough to get past those internal judgements, and simply love their son for exactly who he was. Not all of his partners had gotten an instant seal of approval. some of them had been quite horrid, in Nigel’s opinion. But Dan wasn’t. Dan treated his son like he hung the stars in the sky. And once they find a stack of tapes, Nigel piles them into an old bag, and lets Dan carry them back down the ladder. He follows soon after, taking his time, as going down is always more difficult than getting up. The stairs are the opposite challenge. Going down is much easier. And soon enough they arrive back in the lounge where the rest of the family is waiting.

“That took a long time.” Phil notes, eyeing the two men with suspicion. “What were you two gossiping about up there?”

“If that was any of your business, we’d have invited you.” Nigel said, winking in Dan’s direction and moving to get a tape into the VCR.  
00:41  
May 🌈  
Dan helps collect the tapes, gently placing the photo album on top so it isn't harmed in any way. Dan heads down the ladder first and watches Nigel carefully as he follows. Dan doesn't think he'd be able to fully catch Nigel if he fell, but he would sure try. But that doesn't happen. It's amazing to see how Nigel has healed. Dan lifts the ladder back up and shuts the attic door before they head out to join the others in the living room, eating popcorn and drinking tea as they wait for Dan and Nigel to return. Dan smiles at Nigel's wink and settles in next to Phil as Nigel pops in the tape. "I hope everyone is ready for the piece de resistance: home movies." Dan gives Phil that look of 'I'll tell you later once we're alone' he hasn't used since long before they came out. "It's a proper mess up there. It took ages to find the tape. We ought to organize things and relabel all those boxes so we aren't lost up there next time." He has a bite of popcorn from Phil's bowl, "Yum. Thank you, Kath."

"Right? I don't know how you make popcorn so good," Cornelia chimes in, clearly in a good mood and excited to get some dirt on her boyfriend. 

Martyn gets up to look through Nigel's old bag, "Oh no, not Diaper Days. Mum, come on!" Dan doesn't even want to know what's on the Diaper Days tape. Except he absolutely does and he is not guilty at all. 

"What are you on about, Tynnie? Diaper Days is one of the best! Oh, it's so cute." Not all of the tapes have creative titles, so Dan and Cornelia are intrigued.   
00:52  
Charlie 🎄  
“Dad, I swear to god if this is the potty training tape, I’m never visiting again.” Phil threatened, though everyone in the room knew it was empty. Phil could never resist a visit home to his family. And sure enough, as the tape started to play, the first image after the static was of a very tiny, very naked Phil, sat on the toilet while Kathryn cheered him on. “No! No, this is not happening, we’re not doing this.” Phil says, reaching for the remote and forwarding through to a part of the tape where he at least had clothes on. “Give me my dignity, lord. Why’d you even film that?” He asked, shaking his head. What was so exciting about a toddler learning the human decency to relieve themselves in an acceptable place? What horror. Now though, at this point in the film, Phil was back in his diaper, and not much else, proudly babbling some absolute gibberish as he ran down the hall towards the lounge, promptly tripping over a toy, falling, and beginning to cry. “Well that’s never changed” Martyn teased. “Still just as clumsy. Just as likely to walk around in your pants shouting nonsense.” He added. Phil buried his face in his hands. Mortifying.  
01:20  
May 🌈  
"There's a potty training tape?" Dan asks mischievously.

"Oh, Philip, calm your nerves, it's a fully natural process, we all do it," Nigel half-heartedly attempts to soothe his son. Not really, though, because where's the fun in that? Nigal takes a seat beside his wife, feeling quite proud of himself for this one. "More than half the people in this room were there to see it the first time around, anyway." The next few horrific minutes are shared through a chorus of "oh, my God"s and laughter and "aww"s. And more laughter.

"Tell me you've got Martyn's potty training taped, as well, Nigel," Cornelia begs through her laughter. Kathryn digs through the bag and finds a second tape: Martyn's potty training tape. 

"No, absolutely not! If Phil gets to skip his, I'm skipping mine," Martyn argues.

Dan hardly hears any of this, he's too caught up in the adventures of baby Phil. He audibly gasps when the toddler trips on the floor, "Oh, fuck. Shit, sorry, sorry. Ouch. That had to hurt."

In the video, Nigel sets down the camera quickly to hurry to Phil's aid. He scoops the boy right off the ground into his big arms and the crying stops quite instantly. Phil cuddles into his father's arms and everything is okay. "See? No harm done, Philly," Nigel soothes through the screen. He kisses Phil's little nose and the little boy is giggling all over again like nothing bad happened at all. Dan rubs Phil's back soothingly, but isn't at all apologetic for subjecting Phil to this. Nigel approaches the camera again, Phil still in his arms, and gives a close-up of where he fell on his little palms, "He's alright, Kitty! Nothing Super Dad can't fix. C'mere, you. Kisses." The blond toddler holds his palms to Nigel's mouth so the man can kiss the pain away. "All better?" The little boy nods with a big smile and promptly starts wiggling about to get back on the ground. Then, he's running and shouting all over again. 

"I reckon you were out with your mum, then, darling?" Nigel asks to which Kathryn nods in agreement. 

"I felt just the same, Dan, when I first saw this. Word-for-word. I was so mad, I couldn't believe the first I'd left since Philip was born, he decided to trip on that horrible stuffed dog." 

Nigel rolls his eyes affectionately. Kathryn trusted Nigel, of course, but just like Phil, she's a nervous person.  
03:28  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil watches with a pout as he’s subjected to the torture of watching a very tiny version of himself run amok. He must have been not even two years old there. He had no memory of it, naturally. He didn’t think anybody could remember when they were that young. He could barely walk, barely talk, barely use the toilet, for Christ sake. He hardly counted as a person yet. And it was moments like this, watching a much younger version of his father look after a much younger version of himself, that Phil wondered if he could do that. Could he, with all his anxiety and fear, be half as good a father as his own was? He had his doubts. Phil didn’t think he’d be a /bad/ father, per se. he felt he’d be more... overprotective. Overbearing. Overwhelmed. And as much as he so desperately wanted children one day, he wasn’t sure if he was the best fit for it. He put that out of his mind though as the scene on the television changed. A small wave of nostalgia for the days when there was no editing, or fancy transitions between clips. Just clip after clip, until the tape was full. Now it was showing what must be Phil’s second birthday, where he was once again, in just a diaper. He supposed that explained the title of this tape. “Did nobody dress me back then? You couldn’t at least wrap a blanket around me?” Phil shook his head. This clip was a little less embarrassing though. He was sat at the table, and his mum was presenting him with a little cupcake with two little candles in it.

“What is that, Philip? Do you know what that is?” Nigel asked from behind the camera, to which baby Phil responded simply, “Light!”

“That was the only word you knew for about six months” Kathryn commented, smiling. “Not a clue where it came from, but I suspect it was something foolish your father taught you.” She added. “He coached Martyn into saying ‘cabbage’ as his first word. Cabbage! Ruined my baby books, both of them.” She said.

His father always had such a sense of humour. Ever since Phil could remember, he was the one cracking jokes, or playing little pranks, or generally lightening the mood and cheering people up. That would never change, Phil knew. Even on his worst, sickest, most near death days, he was trying to make jokes. As long as he was strong enough to speak, he was trying to make his family smile. No matter how ill he was, or how much pain he was in. Through all of it, Phil never once heard him complain.  
09:33  
May 🌈  
"Oh, you hated clothes, sweetheart. I dressed you every morning, and every morning just after breakfast, you'd start fighting tooth and nail to take them off! It was the strangest thing. We're lucky we got you to keep the diaper on your little bum!" Kathryn laughs, remembering her funny, silly baby and missing him dearly. She holds Nigel's hand tightly, feeling lovesick because her babies are long grown up. 

"What a little terror, Phil," Dan teases. The tape rolls on and soon enough, Martyn makes an appearance. At least he didn't have that same aversion to clothes as his brother. As mortified as Phil is, Martyn is much less happy about this whole setup. Cornelia will definitely bring this up for weeks to come. She's already having her fun with him, teasing him about gently bullying his brother and running around feral and shouting at the top of his lungs for no good reason. 

"Look what you've done," Martyn complains to his parents over Cornelia's laughter. The next scene is… A Bit Sketchy. Nigel is hiding from behind the garden gate, filming his sons in the backyard without their knowledge. "Why is the angle so bad?" Martyn asks, desperate to get the attention off himself.

It takes Nigel a minute to remember why he was doing that, "Oh, this is a good one." The boys, a few years older than in the last clip, are moving things around in the backyard. It doesn't make a lot of sense until Phil turns on the hose and it shoots straight up into the air, soaking the entire backyard, including Nigel's big pile of firewood and some a book Kathryn left out. She sees it from inside the house and comes running out to turn off the hose. Okay, weird… Nigel walks around the house with the camera and peaks into the kitchen through the window to show Martyn pulling cookies off a plate that should be too high for him to reach. Nigel mutters too quietly for the child to hear, "Little bugger…" Martyn disappears, so Nigel jogs into the house and finds the two little boys with a pile of cookies in their room. "Gotcha!" They both scream and scatter like roaches, their hands full of cookies, as Martyn laughs in the background. "Kath! I did it!" 

Kathryn and Nigel are laughing at the tape together, "I had no idea what you were up to! It was like you disappeared, I asked you to watch the boys and then I found Philip all by himself outside. I was sure Phil had turned on the hose by mistake, he was too little to do that all on his own."

"Like father, like son. I warned you," Nigel teases. 

"Oh, my God, you were right! Phil really was the mastermind. What chaotic little kids you two were," Dan laughs, actually really surprised there's proof of Phil being naughty.  
10:20  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil’s definitely less embarrassed by that last one. He could faintly remember this one, being perhaps five or six. He and Martyn used to get into all kinds of trouble together. Never anything serious, really. Just little things like this, little plots to distract their parents long enough to get something they weren’t supposed to have, then running off to split their bounty. “We were a good team.” Phil chuckled, leaning his head against Dan’s shoulder with a smile. As mortifying as some of these clips were, Phil couldn’t really be mad. Because he knew the kind of joy it brought to Dan, and so few things brought Dan joy that Phil wouldn’t dare take away one of the bigger ones. He could deal with a bit of embarrassment and teasing from his family. And these old videos weren’t all bad. There were plenty that made Phil smile, like the ones from Christmas morning, or from when they were little babies, trying new foods and making silly faces. Sometimes Phil wondered why Dan liked watching these so much. Because surely Dan’s experience was a lot different. Every time his parents suggested watching these old tapes, or flipping through an old photo album, it made Phil a bit wary. Because it seemed like the exact type of thing that would be greatly upsetting to Dan. Watching other kids live a life he never got to have. But Dan never seemed bothered, or triggered by it, unless he was just very good at hiding it.  
10:53  
May 🌈  
Dan could never be upset by this: a big family gathered around an old TV monitor to watch poor quality tapes of the happy family many years ago. It's beautiful and wholesome. Dan isn't jealous, really, he's just truly happy to see Phil young and happy and carefree and loved. Part of it is living vicariously through his partner's family, but more importantly, it's a chance to see that if Phil and Dan were to have kids someday, Phil would not let them be fucked up, despite Dan. Phil knows how families are meant to be in the intimate way Dan just doesn't. Dan and Phil are partners, all they do, they do together. Dan feels he can do anything so long as Phil is by his side. Dan wraps an arm around Phil's waist like it's the most natural thing in the world, like he isn't frightened by it at all. He isn't. This place and these people are safe. This is the polar opposite of Phil and Dan's recent visit to Wokingham. There is no darkness here. The things that took place in that house have and will never happen here. They spend the rest of the evening torturing Martyn and Phil until Kathryn starts yawning and Nigel decides, "Well, kids, I reckon it's about that time of the night," the tape finishes just in time, leaving just a dark screen. It's early yet, but not for Kath and Nigel, who are caring for their health first and foremost these days. They all say 'goodnight' and part to their separate rooms, Dan carrying a photo album in one hand so he doesn't forget it. He tucks it into his bag as soon as they're alone, he still can hardly quit smiling about it.  
11:01  
Charlie 🎄  
“What have you got?” Phil asks curiously, Watching Dan tuck something away, with this big silly grin on his face. He always looked so happy here. It was suspicious. But Phil kind of loved it. “What did dad do to you up in that attic? You’ve been grinning ear to ear ever since. Your face will get sore.” Phil teased, pulling some more comfortable clothes out of his own bag, and stripping out of his jeans. Phil didn’t think Dan was ever as happy as he was when they were here. There was nothing here for Dan to worry about, Phil supposed. Nothing bad had ever happened to him here. In fact Phil could clearly remember the worst of their shared memories here, and it didn’t even happen in the house. They had driven up here to be with Nigel when he was at his worst, and in the car, Dan had made a comment along the lines of “maybe you should prepare yourself”. Phil wasn’t proud of how he’d reacted to that. The way he’d shouted, and some of the things he’d said under that immense amount of stress. But that was one of the worst memories they had together here, and they’d overcome it easily enough. Aside from that, Phil didn’t think Dan had any negative associations with this place. And that’s exactly how Phil wanted to keep it.  
11:25  
May 🌈  
"Mm, a surprise," Dan teases. It isn't really, Phil is welcome to the album, of course. He laughs at Phil's comment, "Nothing, really. You know I love your dad. That attic is a hoarding nightmare, so we had to go through, like, half the boxes to find the VHS box. We found some photo albums and he showed me some photos. I offered to back them up online, just in case." He finds pajamas, as well, and starts changing. "You were the cutest kid. And God, Phil, you look just like your dad. Don't know why I never really noticed before. I always thought you looked like your mum, because you've got her eyes." Dan disappears in the restroom just long enough to guzzle some water and take his meds before returning to crawl into bed. It isn't their bed at home, so it isn't nearly as comfortable, but it's cozy with all the excessive blankets and pillows. Dan thinks aloud on Nigel's ability to climb up and down that steep ladder, "Your dad is really in good shape." Not too long ago, nobody expected him to make it through his second chemo treatment. Dan remembers hearing Kathryn crying over the phone and thinking that was the end. Dan struggled to articulate then, as he drove through the British countryside. He turned the radio down maybe four times and Phil had just turned it up again, refusing to listen. Dan should have let it be, but he could tell Phil was bubbling with stress. He asked Phil to talk to him, desperate to help. He'd never seen Phil like this before. Phil fully freaked out and shouted at Dan for the first time. Ever. Dan just took it silently. He didn't shout back or argue, he just waited until Phil was finished to quietly apologize. It didn't take long for Phil to apologize, either, of course, because Phil didn't mean any harm, he was just deeply, deeply terrified and disturbed. Dan was never scared for himself. He knew his gentle boyfriend would never, ever hurt him, but he was scared for Phil. He wasn't acting like himself, Dan couldn't imagine he felt very much like himself, either.   
11:36  
Charlie 🎄  
“Alright, if you’re going to disappear into the attic to flirt with my dad, I’m taking you home.” Phil laughed, crawling into bed after Dan, and wrapping his arms around him properly for the first time all day. Phil’s parents didn’t mind a little PDA. They were all grown adults, and they were well used to the idea that Phil was kissing boys by now. Well, boy. Just one boy, these days. But still, they kept the touching and the kissing to a minimum, because it made Dan nervous, and as accepting as Phil’s parents might be, they were still old fashioned. Dan’s comment about his dad really doesn’t bother Phil. He knows what Dan means when he says that Nigel is in good shape. He is. He’s done well, getting back on his feet. He’s steadily getting better, stronger. He still used his cane from time to time, and being on his feet for long periods still wiped him out, but he didn’t need as much help anymore. Phil knew there was an old wheelchair folded up in the master bedroom, that he used to use for long distances, because it was just too much. He hated it. Hated being dependent on others, hated asking for help, hated upsetting everyone. That’s something Phil did get from him. A tendency to make light of awful situations, or push himself too far to avoid asking for help. But Phil has never been full of cancer and lying on his death bed. Phil has never been so weak and feeble that he needed help with things as simple as getting dressed, or going to the bathroom, or showering. Phil liked to think he wasn’t /quite/ as stubborn as his old man. He’d ask for help before it got quite that bad. Maybe.  
11:58  
May 🌈  
"Phil, you get your mind out of the gutter," Dan instructs as he pulls Phil in close to hold him. Dan sighs contently. As fun as today was, it's always nice to cozy up alone with Phil at the end of the day. Dan won't be up all night thinking like usual, he'll sleep peacefully and happily in Phil's arms. All is right in their world. "I'm the one with the daddy issues, you're supposed to be innocent. Christ." Dan really has ruined Phil's sense of humor, hasn't he? Dan sighs, hardly feeling tired at all, since it takes a few minutes for his meds to kick in, "Really, we were just chatting about you. He said you were an easy baby, then a troublemaker. You and Martyn raised hell, apparently." Dan runs his fingers through Phil's hair to brush the fringe back, "Your dad really loves you a lot. There's so many memories up there. It's like a hoarder shrine. They recorded literally everything. It's mad." Dan suspects it's a tad overkill, even for normal, loving parents, but it certainly isn't doing any harm. "It's so fucking sweet how much they love you."   
12:07  
Charlie 🎄  
“Exactly, you’re the one with the daddy issues, now you’re trying to steal mine!” Phil laughs, though he holds Dan a little closer and kisses his cheek just to be sure Dan knows he’s only teasing. “They’re good parents.” Phil nods after a moment. It always feels a little weird, to talk about how much he loves them and how good they are. It almost feels like bragging. Because Dan didn’t have that. Dan’s parents weren’t ready. They became a family unexpectedly and they did what they could to cope but it wasn’t enough. Phil’s parents were the opposite. They dated, they got married, they settled, and then, when they were ready, they had kids. On purpose. They did everything in the right order. There were no surprises, no mistakes. And as a result, Phil and Martyn grew up with happy, loving parents who wanted them. The last thing he’d want to do is make Dan feel bad because of it. “You really told Dad you’d scan all those pictures?” He asked, smiling at Dan again. “You know that’s going to take you forever, right?” He chuckled. But it was a good idea. And maybe it would be wise to gather up all those old tapes as well, and take them to one of those places that would convert them into DVD’s.  
23:41  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs with Phil about his personal issues, "Fair." He asks teasingly, "Isn't what all this is about? Sharing?" He agrees easily and without bitterness, "They're the best. I love them." Dan sighs at mention of the thousands, if not millions, of photos he's now responsible for, "I'll be regretting that, won't I?" He shrugs, "It's an excuse for us to spend more time with them. I figure it won't be such a hassle if we move up here. Really, I just worry about them lying about like that. It's the one thing you can't replace, you know? Memories. Kathryn would be heartbroken if anything ever happened to them." Dan would be heartbroken, too, but he doesn't say that. Instead, he speaks softly and slowly and soberly, "I don't know. I think… maybe one day, all those memories will be really important. Future generations and that." Dan adjusts to rest his palm on Phil's chest, looking at his mouth through the darkness because it isn't so easy to look in his eyes right now. "Don't you think that's important? That maybe somebody might want to know what their Dad was like forty years ago?"  
23:52  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiled softly, sympathetically at Dan’s words, and held him a little tighter. He was right. Those photos and videos would be so precious to have one day. Maybe many years in the future, when Dan and Phil were old and grey, when they had their own grandkids running around, it would be nice to have those videos to show them, to look back on for years to come. Dan didn’t have much of that. Phil had so many old childhood memories, immortalized, frozen in time. And as embarrassing as it was to have them pulled out every time they visited, Phil knew how precious they were, and how important it was to have them. They’d be the same way, if they ever became parents. Always taking photos and videos, just for themselves to keep. “We’ll make a project of it.” Phil said. “Every time we visit, we’ll bring home a few tapes, and a couple albums, and we’ll change them over.” He promised. “And then we’ll have them, always.” He smiled. “And maybe... you know, if your family has any old photos they’d like redone, we could do that too, while we’re at it.” He said. Phil wanted those memories too. Even if there weren’t as many, wasn’t it important to have that stuff from both sides? So their grandkids could see and hear stories about both sets of great grandparents? Maybe Dan felt differently. Maybe those were memories he’d rather not carry into the future. And Phil would understand. But he did think it was important.  
13 November 2019  
00:08  
May 🌈  
Feeling Phil's soothing heart beat against his palm helps, but Phil helps far more by not making a big deal of Dan's decision to mention kids for maybe the first time ever. Instead, Phil agrees to help Dan on this project, like converting everything over to digital will really help them prepare for fatherhood. It's mad, but it's something easy and reliable and there isn't much pressure to it. Dan associates it with family, so it means something to him. Dan's own family photos and videos are less easy and reliable, and there is much more pressure there, but Dan thinks he can manage. "Okay," Dan agrees. "I'll ask my grandma." He kisses Phil very lightly, just wanting some comfort, really. "Thank you." It's a heavy topic, but they're confronting it bit by bit, one fraction at a time. Right now, it's all Dan can really manage, but it's loads more than he could last month, so it means something. "I love you so much," Dan smiles again. "Nobody's ever meant as much as you mean to me."  
00:18  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil makes a gagging sound, but he smiles. “You’re going to give me a sugar rush, cut it out.” He teases, one hand rubbing soothingly up and down Dan’s side. “I love you.” He adds after a moment, returning Dan’s gentle kiss and then pressing another against his forehead. “I know that this is a big topic, and you don’t really like to talk about it. And we don’t have to. But I want everything with you.” He whispered. They didn’t have to discuss these things in depth, not tonight, but Phil wanted Dan to know. He wanted to get it off his chest, and put it all out there, and they could address it properly at a different time. “All of it. I want to marry you. Or at least... something. Even if we just... exchange vows. No rings, no church, no legal documents, just the two of us at home on the couch, if that’s better. I want to build our dream home with you. I want to have babies... I want to raise a family with you. I want it all.” He breathed. “And I don’t know if you want all of that too. It’s okay if you don’t. And it’s okay if you don’t want it right now. I’m not ready for it all right now. Just... I want you. Forever.” He said, resting his cheek gently against the top of Dan’s head. As soon as the little speech left his mouth, he began feeling insecure. That was too much. Dan was going to be weirded out by all that. It would make him nervous, and Phil didn’t want him to feel freaked out.  
00:41  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs with Phil until suddenly, it isn't time to laugh anymore. It's actually kind of scary how easy it is for Phil to make Dan cry. It's all over when Phil mentions vows on their couch. Dan would give Phil his vows right now if he weren't literally crying. "What is wrong with you? Jesus." It isn't easy for Dan to find his words at first. He holds onto Phil tightly, needing his support right now. "Of course I want you, you idiot," Dan whispers, hoping nobody can hear him crying through the walls. That would not be good, but it would also not be the first time. Dan thinks it's warranted this time, given Phil basically just proposed to Dan. "You have me," Dan finally manages, his voice obviously shaky. "As long as you'll have me, I'm yours. You know that." Dan wipes a bunch of tears away before cupping Phil's cheek. Dan doesn't have any trouble looking into Phil's eyes this time. "Forever, if you want it. I don't want it if I can't have it with you." Realistically, Dan wouldn't have even these past ten years without Phil. Surely, he couldn't have survived without him. "I'll be better. I will. I'll work really hard on it. I want to be all that for you. So badly, Phil."  
00:49  
Charlie 🎄  
When Dan starts to cry, Phil’s heart breaks in his chest. He really thinks he’s ruined it. But just as he opens his mouth to apologize, Dan speak again, and Phil begins to feel a little better. “Shh, Baby, shh.” Phil whispers, holding Dan close and kissing his forehead again. “Don’t cry, I don’t want to make you cry.” He says, waiting until Dan has calmed down a little before he speaks again. “There’s no rush, okay? None. I’m not doing any of this until we’re both ready. I don’t even want any of it unless we’re both ready. And I’ll wait for you, no matter how long that is. Promise.” He says. Dan doesn’t need that kind of pressure. Phil never wants him to feel like he has to rush his own healing for Phil’s benefit. Phil didn’t care if they got married at 80 years old, as long as they were ready, and the time was right. All he knew is that he wanted Dan, in whatever capacity Dan would allow Phil to have him.  
08:07  
May 🌈  
All Dan can really do is hold on tightly to Phil and wait until the tears pass. He realizes retroactively his drowsy medication probably isn't helping, "I'm sorry, I'm tired." He sniffles, trying to calm down some more, but a couple tears just won't quit falling, "I don't want to make you wait. I want to be married to you already." Dan really does try, but that intimate word 'husband' just won't come out. He just needs to get out the tears, he convinces himself, then he can speak more clearly and assure Phil that he loves him with all he has and everything he is, because Phil put the stars in Dan's sky, but he finds his eyes getting heavy at a really inappropriate time. "Motherfucker," Dan groans quietly against Phil's chest. "I'm really tired," Dan warns Phil. That's the one thing about these meds: they can't stay up all hours of the night talking like they used to. He wipes at his eyes again, "Phil, I don't want to make you wait. It isn't fair." That brings out a few more tears. It doesn't help that Dan's getting sleepy. Dan needs the time, he knows. He knows he certainly isn't ready yet. The last thing Dan wants is to repeat his parents' mistakes and rush into anything before they're ready and catastrophically ruin everything, but he also doesn't want to keep Phil waiting forever. "I'm sorry," Dan adds quietly. He knows he's holding Phil back. What else is new?  
10:44  
Charlie 🎄  
“Dan... Bear, listen.” Phil says, tilting Dan’s chin up with his hand so that Dan will look him in the eyes. “It is fair. It’s more than perfectly fair. I’m ready. I’ve been ready for a long time. But you’re not. And as long as you’re not, then I can’t do it.” He says softly. “I would much rather wait until you’re ready too. No matter how long that is. I’d rather wait.” He says, and all he can do is hope that Dan, in his sleepy, emotional brain, believes him. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought this up now. Can you get some sleep, Bear?” Phil breathed, pressing a soft, lingering kiss against Dan’s lips, cupping Dan’s cheeks in his hands and brushing away some tears with his fingertips. “Get some rest. We can talk about this again another time. Right now, I just need you to understand that I want to wait.” He said quietly. He’d wait for Dan until the end of time. Because if they rushed this, if they got married before Dan was truly, fully ready, then Dan was going to feel trapped, and it was going to haunt them. Marriage wasn’t as important to Phil as Dan’s health and well-being. Nothing was more important to Phil than that. “I want everything with you, Dan. But I will never, ever force you to have everything with me. My dream life involves you being happy, first and foremost. Everything else can be edited.” He says, finally releasing Dan’s face from his hands, and wrapping him up in his arms again instead. “Let’s get some sleep.” He whispered. “Thank you for letting me say all that.” He added. Phil just needed to get it off his chest. He just wanted it out there, so that Dan knew what was on his mind. That’s all. He certainly wasn’t trying to present Dan with a new challenge.  
22:34  
May 🌈  
The nickname doesn't exactly help the tears to stop, but Dan loves it all the same. Dan forces his bleary eyes open determinedly. He would do anything for Phil, surely, he can at least keep his eyes open. He pouts, whining through his stupid tears, "I don't want to sleep, I want to…" Honestly? Dan can't say this is the conversation he wants to have, but he can't just cry and fall asleep, leaving Phil an insecure mess. Before, they were both just so excited to actually get some fucking sleep, this wasn't a problem. They aren't used to timing their emotional, existential pillow talk. Dan returns each kiss of Phil's, if not a bit slowly. He lets Phil kiss and touch and hug Dan, needing all of it like he needs air in his lungs. Phil is more lovely than Dan could ever know what to do with. His lips, his voice, his hands, his secure legs intertwined with Dan's, his beautiful, kind eyes… Dan has to pull himself out of that daydream, "Listen to me." Dan's grip is loose on Phil's shoulder, "I love you. I need you to know this is not about us. Or you. At all." Dan is always making Phil wait. The situation is significantly more fucked, considering Dan is going to make Phil wait all night to talk about this big, huge thing they should be able to talk about now. Because Dan is too sick to think or function without medication. "My dream life is you being happy. Don't you understand?" Dan rests his forehead against Phil's chest so he can close his eyes, at least, "I will do right by you. I promise." It means a lot more to Dan than it sounds aloud, he's confident. "You're not forcing anything. Nothing. You're fully perfect in every way. I'm the one that needs to catch up," Dan really tries hard to explain, but it has been a long day and he is overwhelmed and sedated, but the soothing effects of the medicine certainly haven't kicked in yet. "I love you. I feel it every minute of every day, I swear, baby. I just have to be better at it. I have to. I'll try harder."  
22:45  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs softly. He knows he can’t argue with Dan right now. Not while he’s so sleepy and upset. The conversation will go nowhere, and it may only make this worse. But Phil s desperately wanted to tell Dan that what he was saying was foolish. He doesn’t need to catch up. He doesn’t owe Phil a faster recovery. He doesn’t need to do better, because he’s already doing so well. He knows Dan loves him. That has never been a question. Phil knows that Dan’s hesitation is not an issue with love, or an issue with Phil specifically. It’s an issue with Dan’s brain. Dan isn’t Ready. He’s just not ready, and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that, and Phil wishes he could make Dan understand that. “I love you, Dan.” Phil whispers, holding the younger man securely. “And I know you love me. I never, ever question that.” He added. “Let’s sleep, okay? We can talk about this another time. And you can tell me what scares you, and we’ll figure it out, okay? This is okay. We have so much time.” Phil smiled gently. It truly wasn’t a bother to Phil, if Dan needed him to wait. Or, if Dan decides he couldn’t do it. Maybe marriage was too scary. Too legally binding. And if that was the case, then they could simply promise each other forever in their own way. A proper wedding isn’t specifically what Phil was looking for. He just wanted to be with Dan. And they didn’t need a wedding for that.  
23:06  
May 🌈  
As comforting as Phil's 'I love you's are, Dan doesn't think Phil has literally ever said something that made Dan feel better than, 'I never, ever question that.' Dan's body physically relaxes and he feels like he can breathe again. Maybe he's just falling asleep, but he's quite sure of the visceral impact Phil's words have on him. As afraid as that little child living in Dan's unconscious is of quite literally everything and everyone, that little child is much more intimately afraid of being incapable of love. But Phil knows him better than anyone and Phil says he has never, not even once, doubted that Dan loves him. Not on their very darkest days did Phil even consider that Dan has been a monster tricking him into loving Dan this whole time. Never. Dan thinks about it constantly, but it's never even crossed Phil's healthy, functioning mind. Dan is just sick, that's all. He is good, he just doesn't always see things very clearly. Dan nods in agreement, suddenly losing all his words. "I love you," he whispers, a gentle reminder. He doesn't have to convince Phil. "Are you okay?"  
23:15  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m okay.” Phil breathes. “I promise. I’m not upset, okay? I don’t want to rush you. When I say I want to marry you, I mean that. But I’m not saying it has to happen. Not right now, or at all. I’m just trying to communicate with you.” Phil assured, rubbing gently up and down Dan’s back. “I’m not saying we have to get married in order for me to be happy. I’m happy anyway. I’m happy with you. And all these things I say I want... it’s just that. A want, not a need.” He promised. “It’s like... your amazon wish list.” He chuckled. “It’s full of stuff you like, that you might buy someday, but if it just sits there forever and you never actually order it you won’t be that upset. You’re just saving it for later, just in case.” He said. Phil was never any good at analogies, but maybe Dan would understand. “Marriage, and babies, and a house with a big front porch are all on my wish list, but if I never get them, I’ll be okay.” He explained. “So please don’t rush. I’ll wait. I’ll be here.” He promised, deciding to leave it at that for tonight, and let Dan get some sleep. He needed it, and he deserved it. “Don’t rush. You’re more important to me than any of those things combined.”  
23:31  
May 🌈  
Dan is pretty upset that most of Phil's words seem to go in one ear and out the other, but there's nothing he can do about it. He's trying to pay attention, it just seems to hurt his head to keep his eyes open too long. Dan thinks he gets the point, but he'll have to ask Phil to repeat himself tomorrow. What Dan does remember and pull into his distant dreams is Phil telling Dan he's important. He remembers Phil's soothing voice, Dan's favorite sound in the whole entire world. Entire philharmonics can't hope to compete. Despite his best efforts, Dan's asleep before he can stop himself, his face buried in Phil's chest and his arm limp around Phil's shoulder. He wants to tell Phil he's the most important thing in Dan's life and Dan doesn't want Phil to have to choose between his dreams and Dan, he wants to talk with his partner, but at some point, Dan just doesn't have much of anything left to give Phil right now.

In the morning, Dan doesn't feel as positive and energetic and upbeat as he has every morning since starting these meds. He doesn't feel terrible, he definitely didn't forget to take his medicine, but it's different today. He sleeps later than he usually does and struggles to fully open his eyes for a while. When he does, the very first thing he does is cuddle closer to Phil. It's more fhan his usual instinctual clinginess, he's nervous before he remembers what he's nervous about.   
23:45  
Charlie 🎄  
It can only be expected that it takes Phil a while to get to sleep. Even here, in this warm old bed where they’ve had so many firsts, and so many important conversations, worry keeps him up a little longer. He shouldn’t bring it up again. It’s just been needling at the back of his mind for a while now, all those thoughts of the future, and it kind of... fell out of him tonight. But that was it. It was out in the open, it was off his chest, and now he would lay the topic to rest until Dan was ready for it. Phil shouldn’t dump so much on him like that. Seeing Dan cry like that. Crying, because he was so scared, and felt so inadequate, Phil didn’t want that. Eventually, he did sleep. He slept very deeply, the type of sleep where you get trapped in your dreams. And Phil doesn’t dream anything pleasant. He dreams of their wedding day. Which is very pleasant at first. Dan looks so beautiful dressed in his tuxedo. Their families and friends all gathered around. Smiling, happy. Until Dan reaches the altar, and then Phil notices his happy smile is actually a grimace. He’s got tears in his eyes. Not happy tears, but the type of tears he had tonight. Pained, frightened. He says something. An apology, maybe. And then he’s Gone. Phil is standing in a dark, empty, dusty, very clearly long abandoned church. Alone, in a suit just as dusty and old. When Phil does wake, however, Dan is here. He might still be asleep, Phil can’t tell yet, but he’s here. And that counts for something.  
14 November 2019  
00:00  
May 🌈  
It takes Dan a while to work up the courage to say something to Phil. He delicately brushes Phil's fringe out of his face to be sure he isn't still asleep. "Baby," Dan whispers under his breath, barely audible. It's all come back now, and Dan is so fucking mortified. He really fucked things up this time. He kisses Phil's temple, "Sweetheart. I'm sorry." It's a start, at least. Dan doesn't know where else to start. Imperfect as it is, Dan finds it familiar to start that way. He's always apologetic for some reason or another. "I'm here. I… wow." It isn't exactly romantic, is it? A partner confessing undying, eternal love met with a proper meltdown and promptly abandoned for sleep isn't exactly a fairytale. Phil looks a wreck. "Do you want to sleep some more? You feel alright?" Dan finds Phil's hand to hold, thinking they both need that right about now. Dan will be very gentle with Phil right now, gentle in ways he was not last night. It was a huge, unexpected influx of emotions that Dan wasn't at all prepared for. He can fix it, he's sure. He feels really tired, but present, if nothing else.  
00:07  
Charlie 🎄  
One of the first things out of Dan’s mouth is an apology. And Phil wishes it didn’t have to be like this. He wishes that Dan didn’t have to feel sorry for simply having emotions. “I’m alright.” He smiles softly. He wants Dan to believe it. It’s true, Phil is okay. Last night was weird. Phil got too ahead of himself, too confident, and he said some things he shouldn’t have. He rushed ahead, into a conversation he knew good and well that Dan didn’t want to have. That was Phil’s fault. On the bright side, Dan seemed better. He was apologetic, and unnecessarily kind, but he seemed less emotional. And he looked exhausted. “Did you sleep well?” He asked, squeezing Dan’s hand, and pressing a kiss against his cheek. “It’s still early. We can rest a while longer.” He said quietly. The house was still quiet. Phil didn’t think anyone else was up yet. Another hour or two in bed wouldn’t hurt, and Dan looked like he needed it.  
00:24  
May 🌈  
Dan admits easily, "I just want to be with you." He sniffles and rubs his eyes in a short, human moment. He doesn't really feel particularly good, but he feels better now that last night is over. Dan looks over Phil's pretty features, his thoughts wandering to strangely normal thoughts, like how Phil always looks most himself when he first wakes up and how the morning light seems to light up his eyes differently here than in London. "I, um…" Dan speaks slowly, feeling no pressure like he did last night. "I just want to be with you, Phil. I do. I'm never going anywhere. And…" Dan takes a deep, responsible breath, "We need to figure out what that means. Exactly. I want to figure that out with you. I… I've put it off long enough," Dan remembers Phil saying he's been ready for marriage, children, family. That hurt. Dan knew Phil loves him, but he never made that detail clear before. Phil's often joked with Dan about being afraid of messing up kids. Dan didn't fully realize what Phil needs and he feels like a prat for it. He's been so focused on his own issues, he hasn't been caring for his relationship the way he should. "It doesn't have to be now. It's what you want. I'm okay."  
00:33  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs. They don’t need to do this now. This topic is too heavy, it’s too much. Every time it comes up even in a lighthearted or joking manner, Dan is quick to stray away from it. But Phil knows that if Dan is insisting, that it won’t be that easy. “We will figure it out.” Phil promises. “But it doesn’t have to be now.” He adds. “And I’m going to be entirely honest with you, I really don’t care about the details.” He says, turning to face Dan a little more properly. “I want to promise you forever. Whether that’s a proper wedding, or just us exchanging rings and vows by ourselves at home, or just... saying it right now, that I promise to love you forever.” He says. “I want a family. But if that means a great big aquarium with 20 fish instead of one human baby, I’m okay with that.” He adds. “I want a house. If we buy some old dumpy thing and let it fall apart around us, I’ll be just as happy as if we built our own. We could live in London, or in Manchester, or a mile underground in a dirt hole. If I’m with you, it’s home.” Phil says quietly. “That’s why I don’t want you to feel pressured. Because I want these things, but I only want them in whatever capacity you’re comfortable with. And absolutely nothing more.”  
00:52  
May 🌈  
Dan can easily tell Phil is quite fed up when he suggests living in a dirt hole. Dan will never understand why Phil puts up with him. He can't help the small laugh that bubbles out of him. "You sure you slept okay? That's quite dark for you, Sunshine." Dan can't help but tease. Just a little. He leans up on his elbow, silent a few long moments. "Phil?" Dan asks truly innocently. He runs the pad of his thumb over Phil's knuckles before cradling his hand on Dan's own, "I promise to love you forever." Dan's entirely serious. It doesn't feel cheesy, but Dan knows it is, "I promise." If this is all coming from some insecurity of Phil's that he isn't willing to talk about, the least Dan can do is reassure him that no matter what, Phil will always have Dan. "I'll remind you every morning and show you every day for the rest of our lives. You're my family, Philly. You're my home and my everything. Actually. I love you so much, I will never let you live in a dirt hole. I'll take care of you." That, Dan can promise easily. That's the one thing Dan knows for absolute certain. He'll be right here at Phil's side like a lost puppy until Phil orders him away. "We'll get to the rest. I want to do everything with you."  
03:21  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can’t help but softly smile. Maybe they aren’t wedding vows, but for right now, it’s more than Phil would ever dare ask for. He really means it when he tells Dan that he doesn’t mind the details. Maybe living in a dirt hole is a bit of a stretch, but his point was that he didn’t care what their forever home looked like as long as he shared it with Dan. He didn’t care what their family looked like, as long as it was with Dan. And he didn’t care what their happily ever after looked like, as long as it was with Dan. Wedding, no wedding, babies, fish, dogs, a house, an apartment, or a hole in the mud. Those were just details. And none of them mattered to Phil as much as being able to spend a lifetime at Dan’s side. And when Dan finishes his little speech, Phil leans forward to kiss him, long, and slow, and tender. And when he pulls back, he smiles again. “And I promise to love you forever.” He says softly. “No matter what. Sometimes the future is scary, and unpredictable. Things don’t always happen the way you want them to. There’s always going to be ups and downs. And I promise to be here with you through them all. And I promise to make sure that all of our ups are so high up that the downs don’t seem that bad. We’ll get through the lows together, like we always do.” He smiles, his hand cupping against Dan’s cheek. “I know there’s a lot to talk about, and a lot to think about when it comes to forever. And I promise we’ll figure all of that out as we go along. No pressure, no rush. Right now, forever is all we’ve got, and that’s all I need.” He whispers.  
23:57  
May 🌈  
Dan thinks this might be the sweetest kiss they've ever shared. He doesn't ever want it to end, but it's okay when it does. Dan hears Phil out, and every word is just so lovely. Dan nods in agreement to all Phil said and kisses Phil again, knowing he can convey his feelings a lot better this way than in any vows. Dan pauses only to whisper, "We'll always be together. No matter what." Dan doesn't necessarily believe in an afterlife or any spirituality, but he believes in Phil. As insecure as Dan is, he trusts Phil with all he has. Phil will always be part of Dan in every way that means that Dan doesn't quite understand. Dan will always be changed because of Phil, but maybe it's more than that. Maybe, somehow, Phil is part of Dan's DNA now, maybe Phil is forever etched into Dan's heart, maybe their souls are actually intertwined, maybe their atoms are made of the same stuff- who knows? And, honestly, Dan is done wasting his energy trying to figure it out. "I believe that," Dan doesn't use that term lightly, being a pragmatist as always. "I believe in you, Phil." Faith isn't something that comes easily to Dan, whose world has been shattered more times than he can count, but he has faith in Phil. "All I need is you." He wraps Phil up in a tight hug and squeezes his eyes shut, just needing to pretend they're back at home for a moment. He tries hard to pretend Kathryn and Nigel aren't on the other side of the wall behind them.  
15 November 2019  
00:10  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles. He wraps Dan up tightly in his arms, and he lets the room fall silent again. This isn’t the type of conversation he expected to have mere moments after his eyes opened from a rather spooky dream. But he’s happy that they did this. It was a lot, and it was cheesy, and emotional, but it was very Them. Here in this little bed is where they had some of their cheesiest conversations. And if anyone could hear them, nobody had ever mentioned it. Dan’s words meant so much to Phil. Because Dan didn’t believe in anything. Dan wasn’t religious, and he wasn’t spiritual. Not even a little bit. Not anymore. There was a time, when he was young. But not now. Dan didn’t believe in anything that wasn’t completely backed up by science, and true love was certainly a difficult field to study. Soulmates were a difficult thing to prove. But that’s something Dan believed in regardless. And that meant everything in the world to Phil. Because Phil didn’t believe in much either. He didn’t really believe in a heaven, or a hell, or an almighty god sitting around pulling everyone’s strings. He wasn’t sure about an afterlife, but he liked to think there was something. But when it came to love, he did believe. He believed in Dan, and he always had. And knowing that Dan believed in him too was something Phil never really knew he needed. “You have me.” He whispered after a moment. He left it with that. Because that was enough. Right now, today, that’s what they needed. Everything else, every big step and every decision could be discussed, and figured out, in due time. Phil was the type who liked to make plans well in advance. But this, their future, couldn’t be planned. It couldn’t be scheduled. And that was something Phil just had to be okay with.  
23:45  
May 🌈  
Now that the stress of that conversation has passed, Dan feels that familiar exhaustion come over him. Something about having a small meltdown just before falling asleep threw off Dan's very fragile brain chemistry. He isn't depressed, really, just tired. He holds onto Phil tightly and finally allows himself to relax. They need this right now. Breakfast can wait. Phil and Dan have each other in this moment and that's all there has to be for now. It's different to talk about believing Phil out loud than it is just to think about it. It feels relieving. Dan, historically, copes by avoiding. He avoids conflict and vulnerability because it's safer not to be loved. All the love and devotion he has for Phil scares him and, when he's at his worst, repulses him. Nothing is more dangerous than relying on someone else, but here Dan is all these years later promising his soul to someone else. It is easy, but it also isn't. It should be easy. Dan just needs to rest for now. He even falls back asleep for a few minutes, safe in Phil's embrace. He wakes up to kitchen sounds: pots, pans, and a very distant, quiet radio. Kathryn must have woken up. Dan feels better. Not quite his best, but he thinks getting out of bed will be a bit easier this time around.   
23:53  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil feels Dan drifting off, and he lets him. There’s no doubt that this has been plaguing Dan’s subconscious all night, and now that it’s behind them, he needs to rest. Phil lays with him for a while, but sleep isn’t going to return to Phil, and eventually he decides that Dan will likely sleep better if he has some peace and quiet. So, Phil carefully and quietly slips out of bed, pressing a gentle kiss to Dan’s sleeping lips and making sure the blanket is up over him so he won’t get cold. Then, he makes his way down to the kitchen where his mum has just started the kettle, and is already scrambling some eggs in a bowl. She’s the only one up at the moment, it would seem. But that’s normal. As long as Phil can remember, she’s been up with the sun. She just seemed physically incapable of sleeping in. “Morning, mum.” He greets her as he comes in, pouring himself a coffee as he speaks. “You’re up too early.” He accuses lightly. “Don’t you sleep at all?”  
16 November 2019  
00:05  
May 🌈  
"Oh, good morning, deary," Kathryn greets softly with a warm smile. She turns the radio off entirely so she and Phil don't have to speak so loudly. "It's so nice to wake up and see you. I do miss our mornings together." Phil has always risen earlier than his brother and father, so Phil and Kathryn have spent many hours talking quietly in this kitchen, just as they are now. This is their special time together. "It's on the bucket list. I'll get around to it one of these days." She asks, "Did you sleep alright, love?" Phil looks obviously tired. It's difficult for him to hide without a thick coat of makeup. He's just so pale and his eyes are just so blue, his eyes look almost vampirish. Or, they would, if he weren't such a sweet, delicate, bright person. "You ought to have two of those," she nods at the coffee. "Is it that old mattress? We'll replace it one of these days. I'm sure it's on your father's list." Kathryn sets the bowl of eggs aside before reaching into the refrigerator to find more ingredients. She wants to have a nice, big breakfast ready at least on the first morning of the children's visit.   
00:18  
Charlie 🎄  
“The mattress is fine, mum.” Phil chuckles, leaning against the counter and sipping on his mug. “Did you need a hand with anything?” He asks. She’s always up so early, cooking breakfast, and she never asks for help. But Phil knows it’s not as easy as it used to be, and the cold bothers her hands, but she never complains. His parents never do, either of them. That’s probably where Phil gets it from. He’s always been the type to tough it out, just get through it, and worry later. Maybe it was a negative trait some of the time. He didn’t ask for help as much as he should, and neither did his parents. “Dan’s still sleeping, so you might as well put me to work.” He smiled. “Make me useful.” He teased. He was much more helpful now than he was as a kid, he thought. He could recall multiple occasions, growing annoyed when he was asked to wash the dishes, or mow the lawn, or whatever other chore they came up with for him. It was a bother then, and now it was more of a courtesy. He didn’t mind helping his parents. Because now, as an adult, he realized all they’d done for him.  
00:34  
May 🌈  
"Oh, no no, just your company is enough of a treat for me," Kathryn smiles genuinely. "No, you're on holiday, Philly, just have your cuppa and relax." She knows it's easier to do something than to say something, so she well understands her son's reluctance to talk about whatever she assumes kept him up all night. "How about you help me plan our day? Is it a fun day - maybe we can go to the sea together - or an easy day? I'm sure everyone will be more than happy to put on some of those home movies instead," Kathryn teases Phil as she mixes pancake batter, clearly doing so much more slowly than she used to. She can't get a very good grip on the whisk the way she used to, so she holds it in a more comfortable, albeit compromising position. She might use the blender if she weren't worried to wake everyone. She was never really a fan of it, but she's been more willing to use it lately. "Is there anything you and Dan wanted to do? I thought maybe Manchester, but you two are already going there after you're finished here."  
00:42  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil watches her for a few minutes as he sips on his coffee, until he just can’t bear to watch her struggling with the whisk anymore. He sets his mug down then, and moves to her side, gently taking the bowl from her with a smile. She can move on to something a little easier, and Phil will handle the pancakes. “You know we always love walking to the beach, if it’s not too cold.” Phil smiles. “But if the weather is bad, we can just stay in and lay around too.” He chuckles. “I’ll ask Dan when he gets up, see what he thinks.” He adds. And he knows, given his new medication and the general stress of last nights conversation, it was best to check in with Dan and just see what he felt capable of today. If he’d rather stay in and hang out with everyone, that was more than okay. Phil’s dad sometimes struggles with the hike down to the water these days, so if Nigel sat this one out, maybe Dan would take his lead and stay back. It was really just whatever Dan felt okay with. Phil could always go ahead if he wanted to. He wasn’t so worried about Dan that he couldn’t leave him for an hour or two. And he knew sometimes Dan liked being able to have some alone time with Phil’s family. Dan was comfortable with that, whereas Phil couldn’t imagine even being alone in a room with one of Dan’s parents.  
01:09  
May 🌈  
Kathryn tries not to take too much offense. Something likely happened with Dan last night, so Phil's a tad touchy this morning. She wonders briefly if she could get him to fall asleep on the sand so easily like he used to do as a baby. He used to love the sound and feel of the waves down by the shore. Even the seagulls used to soothe him. Kathryn would sleep on her back and her little Philip would sleep on her chest, embracing one another while Martyn played football with Nigel closer to the water. Phil has always been his mother's son. Her voice is quiet and sober when she gives Phil her thanks. She rubs Phil's back thankfully for just a moment as she often did when me was young before turning the heat on the stove. She fusses with the scrambled eggs. "It looks nice out. Maybe the last nice day before winter," Kathryn comments on the sunshine coming in through the window. She asks peripherally, "Is Dan feeling alright, love?" Dan, she's sure will be alright. It's Phil she really worries about. Dan is able to ask for help whereas Phil really struggles with that.  
02:18  
Charlie 🎄  
With that question, Phil wonders if perhaps she heard their conversation last night, or Dan’s crying. He hopes not. It will only worry her, and there’s no use in that. “Dan’s fine, just sleepy.” He says, finding a suitable pan for the pancakes and placing it on the stove to heat up. He doesn’t really want to bring up last nights conversation to his mum if she doesn’t ask. Because it’s such a personal thing, and he doesn’t want to get her hopes up at the prospect of a wedding, or a housewarming, or anything else. Those things will be exciting for her, if the time ever comes, and Phil doesn’t want to get her excited only to burst her bubble later on if things don’t work out. So, he doesn’t mention it. If she asks, he’ll certainly say something, because he is not physically able to lie to his mum. But now, things are quiet. And he makes an attempt to divert the conversation. “How’d you sleep? There wasn’t too much noise for you? With all us kids around?” He chuckled. He imagined his parents were well used to the quiet by now, and having a full house again must feel a bit strange.  
08:51  
May 🌈  
Kathryn didn't hear much of anything over her husband's snoring, but she's intuitive and generally anxious enough to worry. "I slept just fine. These walls are nice and thick, it takes quite a lot to get any sound through them, especially with the furnace going. That's why we kept you in our room so long as a baby, you didn't make any noise and I was too worried to sleep. Martyn was so loud and demanding, and you were just the opposite. Very quiet. You never asked for much or put up much of a fuss." That was a good sign: it meant Phil trusts his needs would be met, even if he never asked for them. Kathryn was extremely attentive because Phil was so quiet. She hardly ever set him down, always checking his pulse and entertaining him to keep his energy up. It was a good cycle, actually, and Kathryn thinks Phil turned out just beautifully. Kathryn pours the egg mixture into her pan, "No, it's quite nice to have a full house. It gets quite quiet with just your father and I puttering around. It's a big house." They'll never part with it if they can at all help it, but it is becoming quite a lot for just the two of them to sustain. Admittedly, some upkeep chores are slipping through the cracks.  
11:28  
Charlie 🎄  
As his mum talks, Phil starts pouring the pancakes, one by one. He knows what his mum means. It’s a big house. Almost too big. It’s a lot to keep clean, and it’s an old house, and it’s hard to keep up with the repairs and the general maintenance that an old house requires. They weren’t that old, Phil reminded himself. They weren’t old, not yet. But they were older than some. They’d been a little older when they’d started their family. In their late twenties, or early thirties. Now they were both retired, and Phil didn’t want to think about how many short years had to pass before one of them hit 70. That was a big number. And it was a number that worried him. Not that age really made a difference. Plenty of people lived well past 100. And Phil’s parents were healthy, and active, and very independent. And yet, dealing with sick or aging parents was a struggle of adulthood that nobody ever warned him about. And it worries him still when he thought about his own age. He was already 32. His parents were on their second baby by now, and now that baby was stood in the kitchen thinking about how his mum looked a little more grey on top than last time. He could only imagine a day, far in the future, when these roles would be reversed and it would be his own child watching their aging father with this kind of worry. Obviously he and Dan weren’t ready for kids. And there was no time limit. But did Phil really want to be approaching 40 when they finally decided to have a baby? He decided to put it out of his mind for now. He was just more anxious than usual today. Instead, he decided to multitask, filling the toaster and grabbing the butter from the fridge. He could hear someone else moving around upstairs now, and it wouldn’t be long before everyone else came down to eat.  
15:01  
May 🌈  
Phil's anxiety is more than obvious to Kathryn. She doesn't know what happened between him and Dan last night, but it's surely affecting Phil. She wishes he would open up, but she just has to trust he'll be alright. After a few quiet moments, Kathryn rubs Phil's arm soothingly. That's all she can really do for him right now. Then, light footsteps are coming down the stairs, and Cornelia pokes her curly head around the corner, "Hello-hello! Good morning, all." She joins them with a bright smile, "How did everyone sleep?" The contrast between Cornelia, albeit more outgoing, and Phil really just makes Phil's low mood stand out more to Kathryn.

"Good morning. Someone's chipper," Kathryn greets. 

"The air is just so fresh here by the beach, away from the city," Cornelia moves to open the kitchen window. "I always sleep so well when we visit. I don't even bring my inhaler anymore, I've never used it here." Cornelia is very sweet. She and Kathryn get talking on small town life and Kathryn doesn't have the chance to talk to Phil about whatever's going on with him. Nigel wakes up some time later, then Dan, Martyn still dozing away. Dan wishes Phil could have slept some more, he's sure Phil could have used it. Dan has a quick shower before heading downstairs just in time for breakfast. "Dan!" Cornelia greets comically, always trying to bring him up from whatever low he's at. 

"Cornie!" Dan laughs. Cornelia is more full of life than maybe anyone Dan has ever met, but she's never too much, even for Dan. "Am I actually awake before Martyn? I've been waiting years for this. My time to shine."

"I'm so proud," she jokes.  
17:30  
Charlie 🎄  
Once Cornelia, and then everyone else, begins to join them downstairs, Phil begins to put some of his weird mood behind him. He’ll be fine, he knows. He just manages to find something to worry about wherever he goes. Once their day gets underway, and he finds something to keep himself busy, he’ll be able to put his anxiety out of his mind again. For now, it helps to see Dan awake, in a good mood, and Cornelia, so bright and cheerful as always. Phil helps his mum serve breakfast to everyone as they appeared, before sitting down with a plate himself, next to Dan. He wasn’t so worried about Dan this morning. They were okay. Their conversation the night before, which had spilled over into this morning, didn’t seem to leave any tension between them. Dan was out of bed, and he seemed himself, and it was Phil who was out of sorts. Not because of Dan, of course. He was just tired. Weird dreams still lingering in the back of his mind, and other nagging thoughts that he’d surely be able to get rid of on their walk down to the sea later on. If that’s what everyone wanted to do.

“Lazy bones is always the last one awake.” Nigel piped up, with a smile. “But that just means more pancakes for us.” He added. “How’d you sleep, boys? Well?” He asked, turning his attention to Dan and Phil, neither of whom looked very well rested.  
17 November 2019  
01:06  
May 🌈  
Dan has to wonder if it's quite so obvious that Phil and Dan are exhausted. Surely, everyone here is well accustomed to the dark bags under Dan's eyes, but despite his best efforts, Phil is just not quite himself today. Dan glances at Phil to quickly judge the situation. He isn't sitting up straight, he's leant over a little, the light in his eyes just a bit lacking, his breaths a little less even than normal. It all adds up to a big discrepancy between his usual self. The last thing Phil needs is his parents prying. Dan responds in that distracting way he does in interviews, "It's so strange, coming back and staying in that room. It never really changes. The Buffy posters are gone, but everything else is the same. Like a time capsule." It isn't quite answering the question, but the question is a conversation filler, surely, Nigel won't push it. Totally unaware of Kathryn's concerns about the mattress, Dan shrugs, "I can't believe that bed is still as comfortable as it is after all these years."

"Is it really?" Kathryn asks in disbelief.

"I told you," Nigel shakes his head. "That mattress is just fine."   
03:27  
Charlie 🎄  
Dan doesn’t realize it, but Phil knows that tiny, offhanded remark about the mattress is a hit against him. If Dan hadn’t said anything, Kathryn probably would have gone about her day assuming that the old mattress was uncomfortable and that’s the reason Phil is tired and not quite himself. But now that the bed is no longer a question, she’s going to worry. Phil just hopes it doesn’t bug her too much. It’s not something he can easily explain, is it? That he’s tired because he was up all night feeling anxious? About his relationship, and his future, and the fact that his parents are aging? That all just makes him look bad. It makes it seem like he’s not happy, and confident in his relationship. It makes it seem like he doubts his parents ability to look after themselves. It all just makes him look like a jerk, and he knows he can’t really explain it in a way that makes sense. He just looks like a jerk. And maybe he is a jerk. Maybe he shouldn’t be worried about all of this. And he didn’t really want to be the center of attention today. Not while he worked out whatever was happening in his brain that kept him feeling in edge. This had just been a wild couple of weeks. Very up and down, very emotional in so many different ways. He was still just settling into a new normal. This visit was supposed to help with that. But maybe he misjudged. Coming home always left him a bit sappy and sentimental and sensitive. Mixed with everything else that had happened recently and maybe this visit was adding to the stress rather than fixing it. “It’s a little lumpy, but it still does the job just fine.” Phil smiles, part of him trying to gain back some sort of control. “Babe, did you bring a hat? Mum said we could all walk down to the beach if the weathers nice, but it might be chilly.” He says after a moment, opting to turn the conversation to their daily plans instead.  
08:00  
May 🌈  
If Dan didn't pick up on Phil's mood before, he does now. He's off. Dan knows it's his fault. Fuck. Dan considers touching Phil's leg like Phil did yesterday, but if Phil is feeling really anxious, the last thing he needs is to worry about is feeling too visible. Then he calls Dan 'babe', so he can't be too worried about that, at least. "Yeah, I grabbed beanies and our coats, just in case. Maybe gloves, as well? I can't remember. I was worried it might snow a lot while we're up here, just our luck, right? The beach sounds so lovely, though, actually." Saved by the bell, Martyn finally wakes up. 

"Son, is that you? After all these years," Nigel jokes, to which Martyn groans. 

"Yeah, yeah, have your jollies. I'm replacing that mattress. It's died and gone back to the hell from whence it came," Martyn complains dramatically. Cornelia rolls her eyes visibly. At least the attention is off Phil. Dan makes a point to talk about happy things the rest of the morning to hopefully divert some of Phil's stress. Dan knows it can be really, really hard for Phil to be away from home. Phil has so many recent, horrible memories in this house, it's surely all affecting his mood. Dan starts thinking of excuses to get them home sooner, just in case. Eventually, Dan does rest his hand on Phil's knee in hopes of soothing him. Even if Phil is mad at Dan, he isn't really mad at Dan, he's just mad at whatever stupid thing Dan did this time.  
09:53  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is not mad at Dan. He’s not mad at all, actually. He’s just anxious, for no real reason at all, and sometimes that happened. He was okay, and he just sort of wished everyone would stop looking at him. But he knew how this must look. Especially if anyone had heard Dan crying last night, now seeing them acting weird this morning? It probably looked like they’d had a fight or something. But they hadn’t. That wasn’t a fight, was it? It was just a discussion. And it ended very well. He could see the wheels turning in Dan’s head all throughout breakfast. He was trying to keep the attention and the conversation away from Phil, and Phil appreciates that, but he also just doesn’t want Dan to worry about him. Soon enough, breakfast comes to an end, and Phil still doesn’t have a reasonable excuse for feeling so strange. But maybe the hike will help. Getting out in the fresh air and getting some exercise and sitting by the water will be good for him. He’s always loved it there, and there’s no way it won’t lift his mood. Phil speaks again when his mum starts gathering dishes. “Mum, why don’t you let Dan and I wash those up?” He suggests. “You go on and dig out some old winter boots, and we’ll go while it’s warm.” He smiled. Part of him just suggested it because he wanted to be helpful, but a bigger part of him just needed a few minutes alone with Dan. Dan always relaxed him in ways others couldn’t, and if anyone would be able to help shake his brain around until it resembled something normal again, it was Dan.  
23:29  
May 🌈  
"Are you sure? I don't mind," Kathryn tries to dispute, but Dan easily plays along with whatever Phil has in mind. 

"Kath, of course, of course," Dan is already standing and collecting plates before Kathryn has the chance to. She agrees, thanks them both, and heads off with everyone else to get ready for the day. Then, it's just Dan and Phil alone in the kitchen. Dan is more than happy to scrub dishes. He and Phil have a washing machine in their current flat, but before that, Phil cooked and Dan was more than happy to do the bulk of the cleaning for him. That is, when he could get out of bed. "Mm, this takes me back," Dan smiles lightly, tiredly, just grasping at straws to get Phil to open up a little. Dan can't really do much to help if he doesn't really know what's going on. He glances up at Phil for a quick look, hoping to find something informational and communicative in those dark circles under his eyes. But for now, all they do is make Dan's stomach churn a bit. It'll all turn out okay, all Dan can do is keep an eye on Phil and be here for him in every way he can.  
23:39  
Charlie 🎄  
Once they’re alone, Phil relaxes a little. It’s always worse when he knows people are watching, so having this little bit of time alone with Dan does help him calm himself down a little. But still, he can see Dan looking at him, trying to figure it all out, and Phil just wants to put him at ease. Nothings wrong, not really. Phil is just having a day. Sometimes he does. Sometimes everything just feels more intense than it actually is. Sometimes he’s just quicker to get worked up. “I’m okay, love.” He says softly after a moment. He glances over at Dan, and meets his eyes, and smiles softly. “It’s just one of those days.” He explains. Surely Dan of all people will understand. Sometimes you just wake up, and you don’t feel right. Dan has those days too, albeit it’s a little different for him. On Dan’s days, sometimes he needs to just stay in bed or lay on the sofa. On Phil’s days, he needs to take breaks. Just a few moments of peace and quiet, away from any loudness or chaos, to collect himself and reset. That’s the kind of day today is.  
23:48  
May 🌈  
Dan nods in understanding. He has no doubt last night contributed quite strongly to this, but bringing it up won't fix Phil's day. Phil likes distractions, it's how he copes. It's sometimes difficult for Dan to understand because he copes by overthinking until he's confident in his decisions and circumstances. "Okay," Dan agrees softly. He bumps Phil's hip gently with his own, hoping the playful gesture will lighten his mood a bit. "Do you need anything at all? Are you feeling up to the beach?" His voice remains quiet. Dan just needs a gagameplan. He can get the family off Phil's case easily enough, but only if Phil wants that. "You don't have a headache?" Dan checks, hoping to cover all of their bases. They can talk more about whatever's going on, if Phil wants, tonight when they're properly alone. It isn't the kind of conversation to have in the family kitchen where anyone can overhear or walk in or intrude in some other way. Dan keeps washing dishes, but he's certainly inclined to touch Phil to give him some comfort. He shifts his weight on one leg so his other socked foot is free to nudge Phil's ankle.  
23:54  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m good, yeah. No headache, I’m fine. Just being stupid.” He chuckled, nudging Dan’s hip again with his own. He was being stupid, he knew that. Being stupid was kind of a symptom of anxiety. Always worried about things that didn’t matter. He didn’t need to be worried about whether or not they’d ever get married or have kids or buy a house. Because those things didn’t make or break their relationship. He didn’t need to be worried about his parents, because they were healthy and fine. He didn’t need to worry so much about people he loved getting hurt, or sick, or worse. Those situations were so rare, and they were things that he could cope with when and if he needed to. His brain was just constantly lying to him, making him feel that situations were more dire than they actually were. And that, was just stupid.  
18 November 2019  
00:23  
May 🌈  
Phil must really be in a bad place to think Dan would let him get away with calling hinself stupid. Dan understands how Phil feels, and he's a complete hypocrite for doing so, but he pauses his dish washing to defend Phil, "Hey." He shakes his head and kisses Phil's temple, "I wish you wouldn't say that. It isn't true." It's innocent and, in many ways, selfish. Dan loves Phil and he can't stand to hear anyone talk him down, especially not himself. He's properly lost his shit far more than his fair share because interviewers or YouTubers didn't treat Phil with the respect he deserves. Dan is very protective of Phil. He isn't just concerned about Phil's safety, he's concerned about Phil and everyone else knowing Phil's worth. Dan recognizes that he blatantly idolizes Phil, so he doesn't take it too far, but purposely turning off Phil's microphone on panels and making rude comments about his appearance are just not acceptable. Depreciation is high on Dan's pet peeve list. Phil isn't so bothered by all those things, but nothing brings Dan to anger the way these things do. He can read hateful comments about himself all day long and be entirely unaffected, but one bad comment about anything related to Phil will have him irritated about it for the rest of the day. Certainly, one of Dan's very worst fears is Phil internalizing any of that. "It'll pass," Dan promises.   
00:40  
Charlie 🎄  
“Sorry, love.” Phil said, squeezing Dan’s waist as a soft apology. He knew Dan didn’t like when Phil talked down like that. Which was a bit hypocritical if Phil was honest considering half Dan’s entire sense of humour was self deprecation. But Phil did understand. He didn’t like hearing Dan talk down on himself either, so he really did get it. “It’s just silly, you know?” He said. “I know I don’t need to worry about everything all the time, but I can’t help it and I wish I could.” He shrugged. “Today is just a weird day. I’ll be alright.” He said. “I’ll feel better when we get down to the beach, I think. It always makes me feel better down there.” He smiles. Even in the bitter cold, Phil just loved being down by the water and hearing the waves.  
20:15  
May 🌈  
Dan knows Phil doesn't mean it and it's hypocritical to even say anything about it, but Dan just can't help himself. He loves Phil and hates himself: that much, he knows to be true. He's working on it. He can't love himself more by loving Phil less, so the two issues aren't really related. Phil puts Dan at ease without a problem, he knows just how to calm his nerves. Dan wishes he could do the same for Phil. If he could take Phil's anxiety for him, he would without hesitation. Dan washes a few dishes as Phil talks before turning to him, wet hands still in the sink, to ask in a low tone, "Is this about last night? Or your parents again?" Phil has a bit of a track record with this. They visit, he has a really bad first few days, then he adjusts and calms down for the rest of the trip. Rinse and repeat. Maybe Dan didn't quite recognize the pattern until now. Maybe he's just surprised it's still happening. Dan thought it was just about Martyn's health, but it seems different this time. "We don't have to talk about it. Just…" Dan trails off. Phil understands.  
20:29  
Charlie 🎄  
This is the part Phil doesn’t like so much. The part where Dan tries to figure out why, what’s causing Phil to be a weird, worried mess. It’s even worse when he’s right, on the first guess, without even trying. Was he really that easy to read? There was no sense in lying. “Both, I guess.” He shrugged. “But it’s okay, you don’t have to worry, I know how silly it is.” He adds. Because he knows Dan, and he knows that Dan’s first instinct will be to reassure him that he doesn’t need to feel anxious. Phil knows that already. He never needs to feel anxious, he just does. It was a strange day, and he was going to be fine as long as he could distract himself enough from the things he kept needlessly worrying about. Everything with Dan was fine. They were on the same page now, they both knew what they wanted, Dan wasn’t upset with him anymore. Everything with his parents was fine. He had no reason to worry about their health, or their age, or his own age. Martyn was okay. He slept wrong on an old lumpy bed. Everyone was fine, everything was normal, and still, for absolutely no good reason at all, Phil was on edge. There was no justifying that. He just had to let it pass.  
21:09  
May 🌈  
Dan has a bad habit of writing off Phil's worries. He says Phil has no need to worry and Dan thinks that's enough, but it is not. Dan doesn't make that mistake this time, at least. He's very far from perfect, but Dan can learn. "I don't think it's silly to worry about the people you care about," Dan speaks as honestly and objectively as he can. "I always worry about you because I love you. I know it isn't the same, but I understand." Dan pauses before asking, "Other than the beach, is there anything we can do so you can feel better?" When Phil last freaked out, he told Dan he wanted to be recognized for his anxiety and he wanted Dan to humor him, help him work through it. Dan can do that. He can do anything at all for Phil. Dan already has a bit of a game plan: no more talk of age or family, no more childhood videos for now. Dan thinks the best they can do is show Phil how alive they all are: especially Phil. Life is all too short, but they don't need to think about that anymore. It's just too much for Phil, and that's okay.  
21:21  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can see that Dan is trying. And he smiles softly, taking a moment to think as he puts away some dishes. “It just needs to pass, I think.” Phil says. There’s nothing he can do, really. The first day at home is always the worst for his anxiety. After not seeing his parents for a while, it can feel a bit overwhelming, and there’s almost a sense of guilt to it. He knows he should visit more. And on the first day or two, that guilt eats him up a little. That will pass, and hopefully the rest of his anxiety will pass with it. This isn’t really one of those situations that has a solution. His parents are getting older and that makes Phil think about things he doesn’t want to think about. There’s no solution to that, other than just trying to let himself remember that he’s thinking too far ahead. He needs to focus on spending time with them now, not on anything else. And that’s easier said than done. “I’ll be okay.” He says. “I just get too ahead of myself.” He adds. None of this is easy to explain. How do you make someone understand what it feels like to be all freaked out, over nothing, for no reason, all the time? The best Phil can do, for today, is focus on today. He can’t let his mind wander too far ahead. And maybe keeping him focused on the moment is all Dan can really do to help.  
21:45  
May 🌈  
Dan continues washing dishes as they talk, listening closely to Phil. He wants so badly to understand, but Phil isn't particularly articulate when it comes to his mental health, maybe because he just isn't willing to deal with it the way Dan deals with his. That's okay. Phil just needs love, and Dan doesn't need to understand shit about shit to love Phil. That, at least, is in Dan's nature. "Of course you'll be okay. We always turn out okay," Dan manages some optimism. He finishes his dishes, dries his hands, and kisses Phil's cheek, "I love you. And your family loves you. I know you love us more than anything. That's what matters." Dan doesn't look at the doorway this time before resting a hand on Phil's hip. Dan isn't afraid. They're getting better every day, Dan can feel it, he knows it. They're growing together like they always have. It's taking them to a good place. "And I packed that beanie you look really cute in. I know you hate hats, but you have to wear it because the sea will be freezing. And because you look really cute in it and we're taking lots of pictures." Dan's tired, yeah, but he can focus on the good if that's what will help Phil.  
21:58  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles softly, and rests his head against Dan’s shoulder for a moment. He truly, genuinely does love these people more than anything. All of the most important people in his life are in this house right now. And maybe that’s part of what makes it so overwhelming sometimes. Because Phil loves so deeply, and so fiercely. And that’s easy when it’s just Dan, or just his parents, just one or two people he can pour all of his attention into. But when everyone is together all at once, Phil’s attention gets spread a little thinner. And that, is another source of anxiety. Feeling like he’s not giving everyone the individual love and attention and time that they deserve. He hates more than anything, feeling like he hasn’t done enough. So maybe that’s something else he can do on this visit. He can make sure to take a little bit of time just to be alone with everyone, even if it’s just for a few minutes. So that at least for a moment, he can give his complete and undivided attention. “Thank you, love.” Phil whispers after a moment, kissing Dan’s cheek, and letting him go off on a tangent about Phil’s hat. He’s really not much of a hat person, but Dan seems excited by the concept of this beanie, and the photos, and that’s enough to convince Phil that wearing it won’t be so bad. They love to take photos. Everywhere they go, they find an excuse to take pictures. They have thousands. Hard drives, just full of photos from tours, or vacations, or sleepy nights at home. Stupid selfies with ugly Snapchat filters, candid creepshots, professional photos, scenery, everything imaginable. Photos that fall into every category. Sweet, silly, aesthetic, or sexy. Sentimental, emotional, memorable, and some that were just nonsense. It was easy to think his parents were crazy, with their dozens of physical photo albums, but he and Dan were a thousand times crazier.  
23:51  
May 🌈  
Dan pulls Phil near and wraps him up in a loose hug. He runs his hand up and down Phil's lower back tenderly, sure it must be aching at least a little after that horrible night's sleep. "Thank you, baby," Dan whispers. Dan feels painfully grateful for Phil's heart. It's more than this world deserves. Even Phil gets overwhelmed by his own love sometimes. Dan understands more of where Phil's goodness came from by looking through his old photos and getting close to his family, but Dan isn't sure that kind of good heart can be taught or necessarily facilitated. Phil is just lovely. It doesn't matter why. Dan counts his lucky stars for this beautiful, kind man here in his arms. Dan lets things fall silent for a few moments. They're tired, they could use some serenity. Dan just wishes they didn't have to hike so very far to see the sea. Nigel will struggle (however subtly), Phil will panic (however silently), and it will be too cold, anyway. If it rains, they're totally fucked, but they'll be together and they'll be okay. They'll take a million photos and laugh on it later.  
23:57  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, embracing the warm silence for a few moments. This is what he needed. Just a few minutes alone with Dan, so he could reset, and get on with his day. Just these few peaceful minutes away from his family’s concerned stares and strategic questions was enough to get him feeling a little more normal again. Soon, they would go. They’d all get bundled up and they’d walk the familiar old trail down to the seaside. It was cold, but the sun was strong and bright and it wasn’t so windy and it would be fine. If the weather changed, they’d just turn around. And if it didn’t, they’d spend an hour or so on the beach. It was one of Phil’s favourite places. “Come on, lets go get dressed in something warm.” He said, pecking Dan’s lips sweetly and taking his hand as they made their way out of the kitchen and up to that ghostly old bedroom again. He was feeling better. Even if it was just a little, it was enough.  
20 November 2019  
00:29  
May 🌈  
Dan is more than happy to return Phil's kiss, if not a little more lingeringly than Phil intended. He follows closely behind Phil, just a ghost of the lost puppy he used to be. Dan is an independent, autonomous person now, he doesn't feel the need to hide behind his confident, clever, good boyfriend anymore. It's enough to love Phil. There was a time that Dan would have married Phil in a heartbeat. It would have pushed Dan wildly outside his comfort zone, but he would have done anything to keep Phil in his life. Then, Dan thought it was far more responsible to wait. Now? Dan's far more confused than he'll let on until he and Phil are alone. At the very least, Dan needs to tear himself open and rip his heart out to write Phil his vows. Even if it's an empty Word document for another few months, Dan has to start. Dan has already made the decision to open up more to Phil, but that doesn't just mean opening up with bad things, it means allowing his heart to be vulnerable. There is good in there, there must be. Phil loves Dan, that means something. All that marriage business floats away when Dan has that beanie on Phil. "Oh, my God. You're actually the cutest. Ever. It's like dressing cats up in dog clothes. I'm freaking out." Dan takes a quick picture of Phil in that hat, a big smile on Dan's face.   
00:38  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil groans when Dan starts cooing over him, comparing him to a cat, or a dog or something, and snapping photos of him like a proud parent. “Oh, go away. I look like every teenage boy, except I’m an old man so it looks even worse.” He chuckled, glancing in the mirror at himself. He was so not a hat person. It made his head look weird, and it made his hair look weird, and it was just weird. But Dan seemed to like it very much, and so Phil decided it couldn’t be that bad. “I guess it’s better than when I was actually a teenage boy, though.” He chuckled. “I’ve got better hair, these days.” He smiled. Phil was confident that the worst thing about looking at old photos, was the horror of seeing the terrible haircuts that people just allowed him to walk around with. “I don’t know what was worse, the spiky, gelled up look or the shoulder-length mum haircut.” He smiled, adjusting the hat and glancing over at Dan again. “I don’t know how you ever fell for me, looking like a birds nest.” He smiled, kissing Dan’s cheek once more. He was doing the self deprecating thing again, and he knew Dan would likely scold him, but how could he help himself? Not a single person alive didn’t look back at their teenage photos and not cringe at the sight.  
18:56  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs with Phil and puts his phone away after he has a few pouty photos in his collection. "I'm offended," Dan shakes his head, a big smile on his face. "First of all, you're not old. At all. And that hair was sexy in 2009, Phil. Actually. It made you look like such a bad boy." It's so cheesy, Dan has to laugh at himself as he wraps his arms around Phil's neck, "I'll have you know your hair was always clean. I was so upset when you stopped using that cherry shampoo, you didn't smell the same. But your hair was always so nice. It was really soft and it never quite covered your eyes, it wasn't too edgy. It didn't quite match your personality, but it was you enough. For a while." Dan looks over Phil's quiff, "You actually look like a proper adult now. It was really weird to get used to. You're always just… so beautiful, but the cut makes you look so handsome." Dan fixes a few strands of Phil's hair under the hat, adjusts the hat, and kisses Phil's forehead, "But that's not even… I would've fallen in love with you no matter what hair you had or what you looked like. You know that."   
19:16  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiled softly at all of Dan’s praise, and wrapped him up in a quick and gentle hug. “I know.” He smiled. “I guess the birds nest was alright for its time.” He chuckled. It was certainly more in style back in 2009 than it was now. But it was so messy and so ridiculous to look back on. It had taken him a long time to switch over to his current hairstyle, but he’s glad he did. It looked and felt so much better, it was less maintenance, and while it did make him look older, it didn’t necessarily make him look /old./ He looked like a man in his thirties. Which is pretty much the exact look he was going for. “C’mon, stop complimenting me and let’s go downstairs. Everyone’s probably waiting.” He smiled. The walk to the beach wasn’t that long, but Phil knew they should go while the sun was out and the weather was nice.  
20:48  
May 🌈  
All bundled up and ready to face the elements, the family heads out together for the short hike to the beach. Even Nigel is out with his cane, ready to rough the cold to see the sea with his family. He does far better than Dan expected. They all walk quite slowly so he can keep up, but he does quite well. He sighs in joy when they finally arrive at the shore, "Beautiful." Dan thinks he might have looked at Kathryn rather than the sea when he said it, but Dan can't be totally sure. Cornelia says something quietly to Martyn nobody can hear over the ocean and they both start running toward the freezing sea laughing together. 

Kathryn rolls her eyes, "They're absolutely mad. Can you believe?" They start with just their feet, then Cornelia manages to pull Martyn in up to his knees. "That water must be freezing this time of year." Martyn is obviously suffering, for which Cornelia lovingly taunts him. Nigel is just happy his children are happy. Dan and Kath set out a big sheet they can share so they aren't directly sitting on the cold sand. Nigel sits down with a pleased, dad kind of groan. Kathryn chuckles and sits down comfortably beside Nigel, her hand on his leg. It's all so very lovely, Dan almost doesn't know what to do with it all.   
20:57  
Charlie 🎄  
The short walk doesn’t take long, but it does take longer than it used to, since they all slow down so Nigel can keep up. Phil walks just slightly behind him, pretending he’s not keeping a sharp eye on him. But he does very well. And it reassures Phil greatly to see him getting stronger, and healthier again. Once they arrive at the beach, Phil kind of strays off on his own. Not too far, just off to the side where there were a couple of stray beachwood logs. He sat on one of them, smiling a bit to himself as he watched the waves. He truly loved it here. He used to come down here on his own all the time, just to get away and relax for a while. He and Dan used to come here when he visited. This place just had nothing but good memories for Phil.  
23:52  
May 🌈  
Dan watches Phil walk off on his own without so much as glancing back at Dan and decides maybe he ought to stay back for now. Maybe Phil just needs a moment alone. Dan sits on the sheet with Kathryn and Nigel, not feeling awkward to do so as he once did as a teenager. Naturally, eventually, Nigel has to ask, "Is everything alright between the two of you?" 

Dan nods confidently, "Yeah, yes, of course." He gives Nigel a smile they both know he couldn't manage if Phil was actually, properly upset with Dan. Dan speaks under the loud crashing of the winter waves, "Um. He didn't sleep well. He's a bit overwhelmed to be away from home right now." Dan isn't sure how to better explain it without totally violating Phil's relationship with his parents, "He's just tired. And a bit nervous. He'll be okay. We talked." 

Kathryn smiles sadly behind her sunglasses, wishing there were more she could do to help, "Nigel, do you remember when Philly was just a little tot and used to cry at birthday parties and holidays?"

Nigel seems physically pained by the reminder, "Oh, dear. That Easter with your sister. He just started crying, I couldn't get him to stop, no matter what I did. He finally simmered down when I took him to bed and lied him down. He just kept saying it was too loud, the poor tyke."

Dan doesn't remember hearing that story before. He can easily imagine that little, introverted,, ginger boy being overwhelmed by all the people asking for his attention, looking for him to do something cute. Phil is an entertainer, he likes performing, but the majority of his and Dan's time is spent alone in their flat, like they prefer.  
21 November 2019  
00:01  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil doesn’t mean to ignore his family. He just has a tendency to drift towards this area when he’s here. These old driftwood logs have been here as long as he can remember. It’s his favourite spot, and he gravitates towards it. It’s nothing personal. And it’s only a few minutes before he realizes that everyone else has settled somewhere else, and he decides maybe he should move, so that nobody thinks he’s just being antisocial. He eventually does stand, after taking a few photos of the sea, and a boomerang for Instagram that he’ll post later tonight. Then, he makes his way towards the blanket where Dan is sitting with his parents, and settles down next to him. “Sorry, wanted to take some photos.” He explained, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist. “Are they trying to freeze?” He chuckled, pointing out to Martyn and Cornelia who were still up to their knees in the frozen water. Their jeans would likely freeze to their legs on the walk back. Phil couldn’t imagine going into the sea this time of year. It was chilly enough on land, with the light breeze coming off the waves.  
22 November 2019  
01:54  
May 🌈  
Dan and Phil's parents are on a completely different topic by the time Phil returns. Dan leans comfortably into Phil's side, a hand slipping under his big coat to protect it from the cold breeze against Phil's warm skin. Now, this feels right. Sitting here on this empty beach with Phil and his family, even on a really emotionally difficult day, is some kind of heaven Dan's never felt anywhere else. It's all love and peace. "Show me? I bet they're so beautiful, you always get such good angles for shading," Dan requests. 

"Reckon it's much colder than that in Sweden," Nigel comments in reference to the two in the sea. "Ah, the things we do for love," he adds cheekily. 

Kathryn rolls her eyes as she laughs with her husband, "They're lucky I brought towels. Just in case." She starts digging into her big bag and, in the most mum tone Dan has ever witnessed, asks, "Have his put suncream on?" She passes down the bottle urgently. Nigel shrugs and hands it to Dan, who is willing, at least, to humor her. 

Dan is smiling as he pours some into his palm, "I wish we had this when we were last in Florida. Phil was completely burnt. He got the worst of it."   
03:17  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, scooting just a little closer against Dan’s side to keep some heat trapped between them, and hands Dan his phone so that he can look at the photos. Maybe it’s silly, to take photos of the ocean. It’s not like it’s going anywhere. But Phil can’t help himself. Memories are memories. And when the bottle of sun cream makes its way down the line to him, he stares at it for a moment in disbelief. “Mum, come on.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “I know I’m pale, but it’s a bit chilly for a burn.” He says. Though the look she gives him next is enough to convince him to at least put on a tiny bit. She’s always had that ‘mum glare’ down to a science. Just a simple glance and she could convince her kids, and her husband, to do whatever she was asking, lest they face her motherly wrath. Which honestly, was never very threatening. Kathryn wasn’t very intimidating, as much as she may try. When Phil and Martyn were younger, the threat of being grounded or having their toys taken away was enough to keep them in line. Now, as adults, it was less a fear of repercussion and more that they were both just too old to be disappointing their mother.  
07:56  
May 🌈  
Of course, Dan loves the photos Phil took, "I love that." He sets the phone in his pocket before getting the sunscreen. He starts applying it to his own face, but when Phil gives his mum attitude, Dan rolls his eyes and reaches over to delicately rub some into Phil's cheek, "It's not going to hurt you. You remember you got cloud burn in Russia? Oh, my God, Kath, Phil literally got sunburnt in Russia. Like, Moscow, Russia. Actually. Like, I wasn't surprised, but wow, it was really sad." Nigel is having a grand time laughing at Phil's misery of being betrayed by his partner. Dan softly rubs the white cream into Phil's nose and neck and ears until all skin exposed to the sun is miraculously whiter than Phil's natural skin color. It covers up the dark circles under Phil's eyes, so Dan is happy. "See? You're beautiful, I don't know why you're so upset." Dan doesn't think he's ever called Phil beautiful in front of his parents, but they don't outwardly react. Except Kathryn maybe puts her hand over her heart fondly, but Dan isn't quite sure.   
08:03  
Charlie 🎄  
“This is the worst. I’m having the worst time. Never in my life have I had a worse time.” Phil complained, as Dan rubbed sun cream onto his face. He made a weak attempt to bite one of Dan’s fingers, and missed. But everyone else seemed to be having a grand time, laughing at how pale he was, as if two of the people on this blanket weren’t directly responsible for his pasty genetics. Once Dan was done fussing over him though, Phil did give a soft smile at his little compliment. Not necessarily because he thought it was true, but because it showed that Dan felt comfortable. In London, or anywhere, really, Dan would barely even hold Phil’s hand, let alone call him beautiful or make any sort of acknowledgement that they were a couple. Dan just didn’t do that anywhere but here. And even hearing him say things like that here, right next to Phil’s parents, was fairly new. They’d known for a very long time, obviously. It was no secret what the two boys were to each other. But despite them knowing, and being supportive, Dan still sometimes had trouble showing affection in front of any other person. That would pass in time, Phil thought. He hoped. But for now, just seeing Dan getting that tiny bit more comfortable, meant a lot to Phil.  
08:21  
May 🌈  
Phil has Dan laughing like he doesn't have a care in the world. Kathryn thanks Dan kindly for his service before Dan takes the time to put a bit of sun cream on his own face, not because he thinks he'll be burnt, but because it's fair. Dan passes the sunscreen back down to Kathryn and thanks her before cuddling back up with Phil again, a little bit of rose in his cheeks under the sunscreen. "Sorry, son, you can blame your old man for that one. I don't know what it is, but we just don't tan the way your mother does," Nigel teases. 

"That's right. It's better to be safe than sorry," Kathryn chastises. She goes on to talk about the time she literally took Martyn to the emergency room because he was sunburnt so badly. It probably wasn't quite as bad as she describes it, but Dan understands. Her son was hurt, she was scared. Dan rests his head on Phil's shoulder comfortably as Kathryn and Nigel talk about Martyn. Dan loves this family. He doesn't think he knew what a loving family was until he came here to visit Phil so long ago. When Phil and Dan do have children, Dan wants it to be just like this.   
08:27  
Charlie 🎄  
As much as Phil complains, he knows his mum has good reason to worry. As nice as it was to be out in the sun, it really wasn’t good for you. The last thing anyone needed was Phil finding a strange mole. So, he tried not to complain too heavily about the sun cream, even if he thought it was fully ridiculous to be wearing it. Instead, he wraps an arm around Dan’s waist, over his puffy jacket, and holds him close. It’s a little chilly down here, but sitting together all huddled up does help. “To be fair, mum, Martyn would fall asleep in direct sunlight with his bloody shirt off, it’s no wonder he’d blister.” Phil chuckled. “I’m far more responsible.” He said. Sibling rivalry would never die, he supposed. Always trying to one up each other somehow. Though Phil didn’t mention that he was responsible only because he’d be burnt in five minutes if he wasn’t.  
08:40  
May 🌈  
As if on cue, when Phil mentions Martyn's bad choices, Martyn gets knocked right off his feet and directly into the freezing water by a sneaker wave. "How did you call that?" Dan asks in disbelief. Cornelia laughs because she knows Martyn is fine, but she does help him up. 

Kathryn instinctively jumps and gasps in that silly way mothers do. Nigel sighs, "Simmer down, he's fine. Boys will be boys." Martyn and Cornelia are dripping wet, shaking, and laughing hysterically when they finally return to the rest of the family. Kathryn stands to wrap them both in towels, clearly anxious. 

"Sorry! I was watching the waves for those, but this one distracted me," Cornelia jokes. Martyn kicks some sand at her wet ankle to which she responds by kicking some at his knee. 

"Stop, stop, stop, stop, quit it, you two," Kathryn instructs as she helps dry off Martyn, who is significantly colder than Cornelia, who isn't half as bothered by it. The two are really like best friends, it's adorable.

"Sorry, Mum," Martyn jokes in a funny voice through clattering teeth.  
08:47  
Charlie 🎄  
“God, I’m cold just looking at him.” Phil chuckled, leaning a little closer into Dan, and shaking his head. The ocean was cold even in the middle of the summer. It must be frigid out there now. But Cornelia seemed far tougher than Martyn, who had now taken off his soaking wet jacket and laid it out in the sun to dry a little. Phil loved his family, but what a complete circus they were at times. He supposed it was a good thing though. They had fun, they all got along, there was nothing but love. Not every family was like that. So Phil felt lucky for what he had. And he felt lucky that he was able to bring Dan into this big silly mess as well. Not every gay man had the luxury of bringing his boyfriend home to hang out with the family. Phil realized that for someone in his position, he’d gotten very, very lucky in every aspect of his life. And he never wanted to take that for granted. He was so thankful.  
24 November 2019  
10:55  
May 🌈  
Dan is more than happy to rub some warmth into Phil's side under his jacket when he complains about the cold. He can feel Phil relaxing, and Dan empathically feels that relaxation in his own muscles, like he and Phil share a body and a mind and a life. This is just what they needed. Cornelia starts telling a story about her rebellious teen years so long ago when she and her friends would sneak out at night to swim (not skinny dip, this is the PG version) in the below freezing Nordic waters. Back then, there were no worries about abduction or gang activity. It's Sweden, that isn't an issue like it is in Dan's hometown. After a while, Nigel lies back for a nap in the sun, and everyone follows suit relaxing. The ocean is so beautiful here, Dan can hardly look away long enough to lie down, but he lies back on his elbow and lets his mind wander down peaceful thoughts. Things are a bit chaotic, but they're getting better every day. As frightening as last night was, Dan feels so whole here with Phil and his family. Times like this, Dan isn't afraid of marriage and children, he feels ready. He thinks of those home movies: little Phil and Martyn running around the beach while Nigel chases them down, Kathryn sitting back and relaxing with a book and the video camera. Dan wants that for himself and Phil. They need some more years to prepare, but they can do it. Dan holds Phil's hand in his own as Martyn talks about planning a trip to visit Cornelia's family again. He looks over all the little wrinkles in Phil's knuckles, the faint freckles in his skin, the way his fingernails curve. Dan doesn't check his phone the entire beach trip, it feels lovely. Eventually, though, the breeze starts becoming a stronger wind, so they pack up and head back to the house. Nigel has more trouble this time than before. He's obviously tired, but determined not to make a scene. Martyn walks right next to him in case he loses his balance and talks to him to keep him distracted. Nigel is quite the trooper. Dan really worries about what Kathryn does when her sons aren't here to look out for Nigel. There's simply no possible way Kathryn could catch the man or get him back on his feet if he fell. Maybe marriage and children can wait, what Dan really wants is to be in the Manchester area so they can be closer to Phil's parents. They'll start needing more and more help as time goes on. Maybe Dan and Phil should talk more on that: would it alleviate or worsen Phil's anxiety? Nigel does actually very nearly fall at one point during the hike. Martyn catches him before he properly loses his balance, then teases to put Nigel at ease, "Hey, watch it. Stay in your lane, old man." He has Nigel laughing instead of apologising, so that's a start.   
11:12  
Charlie 🎄  
They stay on the beach for close to two hours before it gets simply too cold and windy to stay any longer. But those hours are absolutely wonderful. Martyn stops shaking after a while, and they all spend some time lounging around in the sun. And the whole time, Dan stays close. They hold hands, they lean against each other, and not for a single moment does Dan seem unhappy or overwhelmed. Not here. Not around these people, after all these years. This is a place where Dan finally appears comfortable, and Phil doesn’t want to do anything to disturb it. After a while, when they’ve all had enough, they begin the walk back. Phil keeps a keen eye on his father, his heart threatening to smash through his ribcage when he loses his balance. But Martyn has him. He regains composite quickly, but Phil still watches him. He does well, for the most part. But Phil knows that a fall could be bad for him. Falls were bad for everyone, generally. But it was different now. When you fell as a kid, the biggest threat of danger was a scraped knee. Maybe a sprained ankle, if you really wiped out. As you got older, things changed. If Phil fell, he could twist something, maybe even break something, but he’d most likely just be a bit sore and bruised for a few days. If his dad fell, he could injure himself in any number of ways. And Phil hates the risk of that. But he pushes it aside for now. Everything is fine. Nigel has recovered, and doesn’t seem worried about the little tumble. Nobody else seems worried. It’s just Phil, being ridiculous. Once they arrive back at the house, they all start shivering a little harder. You never realize how cold you are until you get somewhere warm. And Kathryn moves straight to the kitchen to get the kettle on, while the rest of them pause to strip from their bulky clothes. Phil is still holding Dan’s hand, and he lets go of it just long enough to hang his coat, and Dan’s too. “Bloody freezing.” He complained lightly, as everyone scattered in search of warm drinks or a blanket or a change of dry clothes.  
25 November 2019  
01:02  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't let go of Phil's hand when things are good and calm, and he certainly doesn't let go of his hand when things are very nearly bad. Martyn has control of the situation, so all Dan needs to do is squeeze Phil's hand to catch his attention. He silently reminds Phil that the moment has passed, and now its time to relax again. Dan understands why Kathryn is hesitant to travel. Nigel's health could decline rapidly and suddenly anytime, including on holiday far from his doctors, his sons, and his home. Dan thinks if they do travel, it should be a family trip. Surely, that would help Kathryn feel better and keep Nigel safer. The warm house is a relief to the entire family. Martyn escorts Nigel to a sofa and throws a blanket over his shoulders before hurrying upstairs with Cornelia for a hot shower. Dan gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and rubs his arm to help warm him. Dan is cold himself, but he's much more focused on Phil than himself, "Shower or tea?" Dan wouldn't mind cuddling up with Phil in that shitty bed upstairs, but it's a bit early and Dan knows they won't be able to get back out of bed once they tuck in for the night. 

Just before Phil can make a decision, Kathryn calls from the kitchen, "Boys, why don't you have a seat on the sofa? I'll bring your tea out!"   
01:33  
Charlie 🎄  
“Guess that answers your question.” Phil chuckles, squeezing Dan’s hand again, and leading him out into the lounge where Nigel is resting on the sofa. Phil instinctively sits down next to him. He always does, when he knows his father isn’t feeling well. Because Nigel isn’t the type to verbalize when things are wrong, Phil knows that silent support is often best. Just being there, so that his dad knows he has someone if he needs it, is often more than enough. But he seems okay. He’s cold, and he’s obviously quite glad to be resting, but he’s not too out of breath and he doesn’t seem to have any pain, so Phil decides to take that as a victory. “It’s been so long since I’ve been down to the beach. It’s so pretty down there.” He comments, grabbing another blanket from the back of the sofa and coaxing Dan to slide under it with him. “Cold as hell though, this time of year. I think I prefer it in the summer.” He smiles. He has a brief thought, and it fades quickly, but he thinks that if ever he and Dan get married, he’d like to have the ceremony down there by the sea. It’s quiet, it’s private, it’s one of his favourite places in the world, what better place to marry his favourite person? But that’s a conversation to be had in the future, if, and only if, they felt ready to make that step together. Right now, it was a simple fleeting thought that Phil would tuck away and come back to at another time.  
02:36  
May 🌈  
Dan cozies up under a blanket with Phil and decides this is just as good as doing so in bed. "Just beautiful," Nigel agrees. "It's too bad we couldn't stay for the sunset. I've never seen anything like the sunset down at the shore. We must have a hundred photos of sunsets at that beach." Nigel smiles at the thought, clearly feeling far less disturbed by his momentary imbalance than anyone else. He doesn't tend to make a fuss about himself, or anything at all, really, even when things have been quite bleak. It must be an excellent trait to be so resilient. "It's more colorful in the winter. More purple and red than when it's hot and the clouds have gone." Dan's sure he's seen a picture or two of Nigel's sunset description. He can see the rainbow of clouds and waves faded by time and an old Polaroid camera in his mind. "You know, your mother loves sunrises. When we were kids, we used to climb onto an old barn roof every Sunday morning before church to watch it. I don't know if that man ever found out we did that. I'm sure he wouldn't mind," Nigel explains. Dan finds the story endearing, if not a tad strange. It reminds Dan of his and Phil's ritual of visiting the ducks during sunset during the summer.   
03:02  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles. He’s heard the barn story before, and he thinks it’s one of the sweetest things. His parents’ story is one of the sweetest things Phil’s heard in general. They were childhood friends. They grew up together from little kids, and fell in love as teenagers. They’d just always been together, always a part of each other’s lives in some form. And for them to know each other that long, and still be so compatible and so in love after all this time, it was quite endearing. They weren’t without their rough patches of course, no couple was. But they were always so good at getting through it. No situation, no fight, no argument was too much for them to work through, even if it took weeks, or months. And Phil really looked up to that. They were the reason he always tried so hard to work through any problems he and Dan came across. It wasn’t so easy in the beginning, when they didn’t know each other as well and didn’t know each other’s needs. When they’d fight, which they did fairly often in those earlier days, sometimes it was like Dan would just give up, shut down, and wait for Phil to break up with him. But that’s not how Phil handled things. He was a very “never go to bed angry” type of person. If they had to stay up all night to talk something out, then they would. “You and mum are too cute, you know. It’s gross.” Phil says, though the teasing tone in his voice is evident.  
09:39  
May 🌈  
Dan wishes he and Phil could have known each other forever like Nigel and Kathryn. If Dan grew up here in this small town with Phil as his best friend, he's confident he wouldn't even resemble the person he is today. He thinks back to that happy child his grandma talks about Dan being and mourns that Phil never got to know him. Who would that child have grown up to be if he felt loved the way he does now? If Dan's family was anything at all like the one that lives here in this beautiful home? Who is Dan without his trauma? He doesn't know, but he imagines quite a bit better than Dan currently is. They would have been married at 18, they would have kids by now, everything would be the way it should. Dan fantasizes about that life. What is it like to go through the world free of fear? That's just the way life is sometimes. Some people get lucky, others don't. Dan is so happy for Nigel and Kathryn, they're just too perfect. These people should be married. Dan just doesn't think he's the type. He rests his head on Phil's shoulder as he and Nigel talk. Dan focuses on feeling grateful he and Phil eventually found each other. He truly was lucky to find Phil so young. Most people never find their soulmate, let alone at 18. Dan would probably still feel slighted if he and Phil met at five years old. No amount of time will ever, ever be enough. Dan believes that when he and Phil are on the best terms and when they're on the worst. He's never been good at conflict resolution, but he has never been willing, for even a second, to be the one to leave. He loves Phil too much to seriously consider life without him without fully melting down. Dan and Phil are going to be together forever, whatever that means. Dan holds onto Phil's hand securely, just feeling a tad raw from all this marriage and family talk. Dan has faith he and Phil will make things work. "Are you on about that old barn again?" Kathryn asks in what seems like a warning as she brings a tray of tea in. "I swear, boys, that barn was a death trap. We're lucky to have gotten out with our lives." 

Nigel laughs, obviously feeling differently about that barn, "You loved it." 

"It burned down on your twentieth birthday, Nigel," Kathryn reminds him with a raised eyebrow as she hands him his tea gently. 

Nigel takes the cup in one hand and squeezes her hand in his other, "Too bad, that." He gives her a wink that Dan doesn't even want to know the context of. 

Kathryn just laughs and sits beside him with her own cuppa, "Drink your tea, you." Nigel shares his blanket with her and they move onto a totally different topic that Dan is silently thanking Kathryn for, "I think we ought to put that oven to good use today, warm up the house. Muffins?"  
09:53  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil notices his Dad’s little wink, notices the slight change in his tone, and he quickly and firmly decides that he doesn’t want to know anything else about that old barn and the things that may or may not have happened there. Some stories were much better left as secrets. Bless his mum though, for swooping I’m to save Phil’s sanity with tea and talk of muffins. “Ugh, I love your muffins.” He said, taking a sip from his warm mug. It seemed every time they were here, his mum sent them gone with some kind of food or baked good. She’s started doing it when Phil moves out to go to York, when he was a struggling, broke student, and she’d never stopped. Even though Phil wasn’t struggling anymore, he could afford to eat, his mum never seemed to shake the habit. It was sweet. “Just let us warm up for a while and I’ll give you a hand, yeah?” He suggested. He knew he’d gotten her one of those fancy mixers for her last birthday, to make things a bit easier for her, but god knows if she ever used it. Phil knew her hands bothered her, and it would only be worse while they were all still so cold. That, and Phil could feel a slight change in Dan’s energy, and he wanted to make sure that was nothing he should be worrying about. They’d been together for so long now, Phil could feel when his mood dropped, even if he wasn’t showing it. They had some sort of psychic connection, he was sure. But really, he knew it was just years of practice. Years of experience with Dan, and learning those tiny cues that in the beginning, went entirely unnoticed. He suspected it had something to do with the previous conversation, but he couldn’t be sure unless it was something Dan wanted to talk about. But Dan seems okay. It’s hard to say what he’s thinking. All Phil knows, is that the change in his mood seemed minor, and it was already starting to feel more normal again. Maybe he’d imagined it.  
26 November 2019  
15:29  
May 🌈  
Dan sips on his cup of tea, savoring literally every sip. Nothing feels quite like home like Phil's tea, but Kathryn's tea is obviously perfected with experience. And muffins… Dan has been snacking on those muffins since before he even really knew Kathryn, so it's safe to say they're a staple. Sending muffins home is her way of loving and taking care of her family when she isn't physically there to do so. Kathryn doesn't particularly like Phil fussing over her, but she lets it go for now, deciding to bring it up later, maybe when Phil is feeling a bit more calm. "Alright, dear," Kathryn accepts softly.

"Oh, Kath, will you make those chocolate ones?" Nigel asks, as if he isn't privileged to her cooking every day of his life. 

"I suppose so. Only because you asked so nicely," she teases.

"Please?" Nigel adds cheekily just to make Kathryn laugh.

"Let's put on a film. Boys, why don't you pick something?" Kathryn suggests. "Like… What was that American one we saw with the little Mexican boy with the guitar? Oh, he was so adorable."

"Coco," Dan responds with a chuckle. "That one is kind of sad, I don't know." Phil would certainly not like to see a movie about a dead father, not right now.

"Or- ooh! I've been wanting to see the one where the emotions are little characters. Have you heard of that one? All these new Disney films are so cute." 

"Inside Out," Dan reaches for the remote to log into his and Phil's streaming accounts to find a family movie.  
15:41  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil knows that his mum is hesitant to accept his offer, and she does, mostly just to appease him. But that’s okay. Phil wants to help. For now though, they all settle in to watch a film, and Phil Let’s Dan take control of that while he curls up happily against Dan’s side. Already, Dan seems to be radiating heat. And Phil latches on, wanting to soak up as much warmth as he can. He’s not worried about cuddling up to Dan with his parents sitting here. It’s innocent, and they’re well adjusted to it by now. There may have been a time, when Phil first came out, that they were less comfortable. But Phil never held that against them. They came from religious families, they went to church most of their lives and they were taught only a certain type of lifestyle. They were always accepting, they were never hateful, but it did take them some time in the beginning to unlearn some of the things they’d been taught, and to grow comfortable with the idea that their son looked at other men the way they’d always expected him to look at women. It was a learning curve and an adjustment for them, and Phil understood. He never resented them for it, because they tried. They did their best, and in the end, they got there. It was never even a second thought anymore, Phil thought. Seeing Phil cuddling up to Dan, or holding his hand, or kissing him, was as normal to them now as anything else. And for that, Phil was so grateful.  
21:48  
May 🌈  
Dan absentmindedly makes room for Phil under his arm as he scrolls through a section of children's movies until he finds one of the films Kathryn lists. They all settle in for the movie that has Kathryn and Dan tearing up by the end of, naturally. Nigel is fully asleep on the sofa, uninterested in movies like this. Disney movies have a way with people like Kathryn and Dan who are just a smidge more sensitive than the intended audience of five-year-olds. Dan holds onto Phil more tightly throughout the movie, clearly getting into the plot. Dan certainly didn't used to feel comfortable enough to cry like this, not in front of Phil's family. Kathryn hands him a tissue box and he has to laugh at himself a little, but he thanks her and takes one, anyway. "These films are just so lovely," Dan whispers so as to not wake Nigel. 

Kathryn agrees, "Children don't think about that, you know? To children, it's just a story. When you're older, it's, um… You realize life isn't always a lovely story. So it's special." She smiles sadly and wipes her eyes as the credits roll. Dan understands completely. He nods and the two laugh together a moment, just happy to share the moment. They probably seem crazy, but that's fine. This place is safe.  
21:59  
Charlie 🎄  
They are a little crazy, Phil thinks. But they’re crazy in the best possible way. He doesn’t pay a whole lot of attention to the film, spending the first half idly tracing cool fingertips across the veins in Dan’s hands, and the second half dozing in and out of a light sleep. He was like his Dad in this sense, he rarely stayed awake throughout an entire movie. And by the end of the film, Phil was just quietly dozing, listening to Dan and Kathryn quietly talk. It was sweet, really. They were very similar people. Soft, and sensitive, but certainly able to put up a hard fight when need be. It was no wonder they got along so well. Phil made an effort then, to start waking up a little more, sitting up a bit straighter, stretching out his arms above his head before settling one arm around Dan’s shoulders. “That was cute.” He commented lightly, though he couldn’t really recall any of the characters, or the plot. “Dad didn’t make it, I see.” He chuckled, glancing over at the man, who was sat up, but slumped a little to the side, snoring away. It didn’t look at all comfortable. But he seemed unbothered. Martyn and Cornelia were still upstairs somewhere, and Phil had a feeling it would be a bit of a lazy evening for everyone. That was fine. They all needed it, Phil thought. “Still want to make those muffins, mum?” He asked, smiling a little and rubbing at his sleepy eyes.  
23:42  
May 🌈  
"You're one to talk," Kathryn jokes. God, Phil is so precious dozing in and out in Dan's arms, and that really just pushes Dan's emotions over the edge toward the end of the film. He and Kathryn calm down in no time. Kathryn delicately slips out from beside Nigel. She seems to know just how to move to sneak away and keep him in a deep sleep, just like Phil does with Dan in the morning. At the start, when Dan was so young, so far from home, and so freshly traumatized, he would properly freak out to wake up alone. He was only rarely upset enough to tell Phil a handful of times, but he vividly remembers starting most days in that shitty Manchester flat on a bad note, thinking for the full sixty seconds before he rushed out of bed and into the livingroom to find Phil that his beautiful boyfriend had left him. It was ridiculous, looking back, but it felt very real to Dan then. It took quite the while to learn to relax and trust that Phil will still be there when Dan opens his eyes. On good days - and there have been so many good days lately - Dan wakes up and doesn't even think of Phil being nearby. He could be down the street at the grocery store or downtown at some meeting and Dan only thinks he misses having Phil around for breakfast. Except for exceedingly bad days, Dan is able to easily trust Phil, and maybe that isn't much after ten years, but Dan feels really good to think of his progress in that way. "Come on," Kathryn leads Dan and Phil into the kitchen. Dan gives Phil's cheek a quick peck before following after Kathryn happily. 

"Put us to work, Kath," Dan teases in the kitchen, still miraculously having energy after all today has already been.   
23:49  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil stands, and follows his mum into the kitchen, watching as Dan follows suit, and nibbling silently on the inside of his lip. He’d kind of hoped for a few minutes on his own with his mum. He wanted to tell her about some of their plans, some of the things he and Dan had been discussing lately, and he wanted some advice. But that conversation was a lot for Dan, and it would undoubtedly bring up some questions he wasn’t ready for, and Phil didn’t want to put him through that. “Oh, we’ve got it baby. Why don’t you go have a warm shower? You must still be cold.” He says, hoping Dan will pick up on what Phil is saying. He doesn’t want Dan to misunderstand and think Phil is kicking him out or something. Just a few minutes is all Phil wants. Just to run a thing or two past his mum, and get her opinion. Phil always valued her thoughts. Because she was incredibly supportive in all of Phil’s decisions, but not afraid to tell him if she thought he was doing something stupid.  
27 November 2019  
10:12  
May 🌈  
Dan has a witty retort about Phil always being so cold on the tip of his tongue when he realizes Dan wasn't exactly invited. Oops. "You know, I should call Adrian, actually. He's been texting me a lot. You're sure you don't need any help or anything...?" Dan checks once, just in case.

Kathryn is already pulling ingredients out, clearly hardly in need of even Phil, let alone Phil and Dan. Dan gives Phil a soft kiss before heading upstairs to finally check his messages. He was right, he really should have called Adrian a while ago. Adrian's been spamming Dan's message inbox about needing to tell Dan anything. Dan calls him the moment he's alone in Phil's old bedroom.

"Your father's been on quite the chocolate kick lately. It's not the healthiest choice, so I've been using the dark kind, at least. He can't tell the difference," Kathryn holds up the bag of dark chocolate with a proud wink. "It has less sugar than the regular kind, and his doctor said it's healthier, so…"  
11:11  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles thankfully, and gives Dan’s waist a gentle squeeze as he goes. He’s thankful for this silent little language of theirs. Years of practice led up to them being able to communicate this way, in stolen glances and tactical questions. It was something they had to adapt to, being closeted for so long. And his mum didn’t even seem to notice. She was just muttering on about chocolate when Phil turned to her, and he smiled. “He’s always had a sweet tooth.” Phil smiles, leaning against the counter, half waiting for instruction while the other half of him mulled over what to say to her. It was a big topic, wasn’t it? Moving, buying a house, settling down. He didn’t know how to bring it up. In the end, he decided to simply ask the question he’d asked her a million times before. “Mum, can I ask your opinion on something?” He asks. It’s a familiar question. Phil often turns to her for guidance in times like this, when big decisions are on the horizon. She just always knows what to do. And when she nods, Phil takes a breath. “What would you think about me and Dan moving back to Manchester?” He asked, watching her intently, trying to gauge her reaction. “We’ve been talking about it lately, buying a house, or... even building a house.” He chuckled. “And Manchester seems perfect. We love it there, and it’s close to you guys. It’s pretty far from Dan’s family though, but he seems to really like the idea of living there.” Phil said. And so did he, of course. But the distance from Dan’s family was a slight concern to him, even if Dan didn’t mind it. They both wanted to be close to Phil’s parents, so that as they got older, they’d be close enough to get here quickly if anything happened, or if they needed help. Dan’s parents were younger, so that wasn’t as much of a concern just yet, but his grandparents were getting up there. And then there was Adrian, running and hiking and cycling all over, he could easily get hurt. Dan’s mum was still living with her parents and nobody knew the whereabouts of the husband that hit her. Manchester was hours away. If someone in Dan’s family got sick, or injured, or worse, it would take ages to get back there. But of course, maybe these were only Phil’s worries.  
20:05  
May 🌈  
"Always," Kathryn smiles at the mention of her beloved husband. They've changed over the years, but some things never change. "Of course, sweetheart. Is everything alright?" Kathryn asks as she always does. She sets aside her mixing bowl when Phil brings up the topic of moving so she can face him directly. She tries very hard not to show too much expression until she hears the whole story. Too much excitement will push Phil to move close for the wrong reasons and too much concern will push him away. She listens to her son calmly, clearly seeing something he isn't explicitly stating. "You know we'd love to be able to see you more often, Philly. When you and your brother visit, it's like a breath of fresh air for your father and I," Kathryn states the obvious. "I remember you and Dan really liking Manchester." She pauses a few long moments to figure out how to ask this. "Darling, you know that… I don't like to ask about Dan's family. I know it's complicated, but… Does Dan want to be close to them? Or do you?" Kathryn won't be the one to ask about any details any time soon, but if Dan would prefer to be here rather than in London near his own family, Kathryn is sure he has good reason.   
20:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil knows the question is coming, and it’s the reason that he wanted to have this conversation alone, rather than with Dan in the room. It’s too much for Dan, even to discuss with Phil, let alone with Phil’s mum. “He... needs some space, I think.” He says finally. “I always wanted to... find the midway point, and live there. So we’re not too far from either of you, you know? But Dan’s got his heart set on Manchester. And that’s okay, I get it, and I love it there, it’s not that I don’t want to live there. I just... worry, you know?” He said. “He loves his grandparents, and what if they get sick? Manchester is hours away, and I’m sure he’d want to be there quickly for them.” He reasoned. “I don’t know, do you think I’m being silly for worrying about that? If it’s not something that worries Dan?” He asked. Phil was an anxious person. Everyone knew this. He was a worrier. So he really just wanted a second opinion. He wanted to know if he was being reasonable or not, because sometimes it was hard to tell if his concerns were valid, or if it was just his stupid brain.  
20:42  
May 🌈  
Kathryn nods in understanding. It's complicated. "I know, sweetheart," she offers empathetically. She rubs Phil's arm soothingly, "How about this? It's very important that you live in a way that will make you happy. Take it from me, love, basing your life around 'what if's and possible emergencies… it won't make you happy. Whether it's for us or Dan's family or anyone else." Kathryn's voice lowers further, "I don't want you to spend your life waiting for bad things to happen. You know how your father feels about that." She quickly tries to bring up the mood a tad, "You and Dan have been traveling the world! Performing in front of who knows how many people? What's another couple of hours from either of us?" Kathryn takes Phil's hand to hold soothingly, knowing it isn't an easy thing to hear, "We'll come visit you wherever you decide to settle down. If Dan's family is able to, I'm sure they'll do the same. We'll see each other, I promise." She smiles, "Do you remember when you first moved to York? You visited us every single weekend because you were so nervous to be away. Martyn didn't visit until Christmas when he first moved out. I was so mad at him. Then you, my baby boy, you called me every night the first week." Kathryn laughs a little, "Whatever you and Dan decide is best, we will make it work. I promise."  
20:51  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil listens, and he nods. He knows she’s right. She almost always is. Phil just can’t help but to try and be prepared for any situation. It was just something he’d learned to do, to help himself cope with the worrying. He couldn’t control when or how or if bad things happened, but he could be prepared for them. He could have a plan, he could know what to do, and knowing he’d be ready made him feel better. But maybe that wasn’t as healthy as he thought it was. “I am happy.” He assured her. “I’m so happy, mum. Dan is... Dan is it, you know? He’s the one. And buying a house is a big step, and I’m happy.” He promised, smiling softly. “And I want him to be happy too. And he is. But I can’t help but wonder if he’d be happier if he had his family.” He admitted, his tone quiet, an indication that this one stayed strictly here, in this kitchen, between mother and son. “It’s complicated, I know. He’s opened up a little more recently about some things, and I think I understand why he needs some space. But I can’t imagine not having you guys to fall back on.” He said. “And Dan doesn’t really have that, and... I don’t know. I just wish he did.” He said.  
21:40  
May 🌈  
Kathryn can't help but smile when Phil talks about being happy with Dan. Kathryn can tell, of course, but it's always nice to hear. "I'm so happy for you both." Kathryn hears Phil, and she understands. "I know it isn't the same. But you know I lost my parents when I was very young. I was younger than you are now. You were so young, and it all happened so suddenly. I didn't feel right for the longest time. It was just always there. I was so tired. Your father was lovely. He took you and Martyn out on boys' days out so I could be alone, he came home from work and did chores for me, he took time off work so we could all be together as a family to make me feel better. It sounds strange, but that's when I really felt like this was my family. I wasn't alone, I had your father. You would always come in and snuggle me when I was feeling really tired. It was so sweet. I felt so loved." Kathryn shrugs with a sigh, "What I'm saying is that Dan has you. He adores you. I know you've been helping him feel better all along. And he has us. It isn't the same, but he has love. He'll have love wherever you go. I know he'll be okay. It's you I worry about."  
21:49  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiled, and nodded gently. He knew she was right. Dan had so much love in his life. From Phil, and Phil’s family, and all of their friends, and his grandparents, and hopefully soon from his brother as well. Dan had so much love, and such a good support system. But to Phil it just didn’t seem complete if he didn’t have his parents too. But Phil supposed it didn’t need to feel complete to him. As long as it felt complete to Dan. If Dan was content with the people he had in his life, then that had to be enough for Phil as well. And Dan was happy, Phil thought. Dan took all his relationships so very seriously, and he didn’t allow anyone into his inner circle unless he could fully trust them. He would be okay. Phil knew that just as well as anyone else. “You don’t need to worry about me, mum.” He assured, smiling. “I’m okay. Moving is just a big decision, and I’m going over everything in my head, and this is part of that.” He reasoned. It was important to weigh all the pros and cons before they made this kind of leap in their relationship. Their first house may not be their last, but it was definitely a far more permanent arrangement than any apartment, and that took some planning.  
22:05  
May 🌈  
[I have an idea ! for drama is that okay ? It can wait for whenever lol ]  
22:05  
Charlie 🎄  
((Yeah of course!))  
22:18  
May 🌈  
"I'll worry about you, anyway," Kathryn teases with a grin. Phil is her youngest, she'll always worry excessively about him. "And I know you'll worry about us, too, my love. Let's just agree to minimize the worrying." She finally gets properly started on the muffins, this time allowing Phil to help without complaint. She even shows him the recipe for the hundredth time, knowing Phil will take something useful from their time together in the kitchen in the way Martyn never will. They're having a good, light time when Dan comes downstairs to find Phil, his hands shaking. He isn't crying and he doubts he will anytime soon, but it's clear something is wrong. Dan enters the kitchen quietly and delicately touches Phil's back to catch his attention. He doesn't want to say something wrong in front of Kathryn. "Um, Phil," Dan requests in an uneasy, anxious whisper. "I have to go. Like, now." Kathryn doesn't quite catch what Dan says, but she can obviously tell something is wrong. "I'm sorry. My, um… My grandma."  
22:23  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil turns with a smile when he hears Dan return, but his smile drops almost the moment he lays eyes on Dan. Then he speaks, and Phil nods. “Of course, of course.” He says softly, taking his hand and leaning Dan quietly into the hallway where they can talk with a bit more privacy. “What’s going on? Do you need me to come?” He asks, holding both of Dan’s hands in his own to stop the shaking. He needs to know what Dan needs. Because when Dan visits his family, it can vary. Sometimes he needs Phil there, needs the support. And sometimes he needs Phil to stay far, far away. So, Phil needs to know. And as soon as he knows, he’ll get Dan on the first train to wokingham. Whatever this is is clearly important and pressing if Dan is leaving right now, and Phil will never question that. If he needs to go, then he needs to go. They can visit friends and look at houses any other time.  
22:52  
May 🌈  
Dan follows Phil obediently, needing Phil's stability. He holds onto Phil's hands tightly as he struggles to repeat Adrian's words through whispered, stuttered words, "She had a stroke. She fell halfway down the stairs." Dan knows he isn't thinking totally correctly. "Phil, I have to go. I can't, um…" Dan shakes his head, trying to express himself, but obviously struggling. "I don't want to take you away from your family," Dan tries, but maybe it's more than clear that he can't quite think straight. He's sure Phil can tell. Phil will make the right decision. "Just," Dan takes a deep breath, "um, I just… I have to go. Be with her. Adrian was crying on the phone. She hasn't properly woken up yet." Dan keeps seeing it over and over again in his mind. Dan fell down those stairs once, he still has scars on his knees from it. He can imagine his poor, old, sweet, witty grandmother tumbling down those steps alone, he can see his mother and grandfather struggling to pick her up together. He can see the ambulance, and it isn't stopping, and Dan feels like he can't breathe. Dan pulls Phil into a hug, really genuinely scared at the thought of leaving Phil, on top of everything else.   
23:02  
Charlie 🎄  
“It’s okay, breathe. It’s okay.” Phil breathes, holding Dan close for a few moments so that he can begin to relax. “I’ll come with you.” He says after a moment. Dan is too shaken, Phil can see his mind spinning in circles and he’s going to need some stability to get through this. He can’t make that long train ride all alone, he’ll need someone. “I’ll come. They’ll understand. We’ll come back another time love, it’s okay.” He assured. Dan’s grandma was a much higher priority at the moment. A stroke, and a fall down half a flight of stairs was not easy on an old lady. Phil Hated to think about it, but it was quite possible that it wouldn’t end well, and Dan needed to be there if that was the case. “Go get our bags, okay bear? I’ll tell mum we’re leaving.” He promised, gently tilting Dan’s head up to give him a soft, reassuring kiss. “We’ll go right now. We’ll get the first train, and we’ll be there in a couple hours.” He promised. They’d get there as quickly as they could, and they’d figure out the rest from there.  
23:46  
May 🌈  
Dan breathes along with Phil. He focuses on the way Phil's shoulders move up and down and the pulse in his neck to calm himself. It does enough, Dan is breathing again by the time Phil kisses him. It's exactly what Dan needs. He used to isolate himself during bad times, but now, he instinctively turns toward Phil. He still isolates himself from other people as a general rule, but he at least knows to open up to Phil for support. It's far better this way. Dan holds onto him tightly now as Phil carefully gives Dan the plan. Dan has enough sense to say, "I am so sorry. God." They've only been here a couple of days and Dan is dragging Phil back to London to deal with his psychotic family again. "Thank you. Christ," Dan kisses Phil once more. "Okay. I'm sorry. Okay. I'll pack." Dan squeezes Phil's hand one more time before he heads up the stairs to quickly pack their things and check his phone for the earliest train to Wokingham or London: whichever is quicker. Dan just has to get there. He knows the train ride is going to be torture, but it's all he can do.   
23:56  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil doesn’t bother scolding Dan for apologizing. It will only waste time, and they’ve got a long train ride ahead of them. Plenty of time to talk. So, Phil just heads back into the kitchen, where his mum is working away, and gently touches her shoulder. “Mum? I’m sorry, but Dan and I have to go.” He says. “It’s... there’s a family emergency.” He says. He’s not sure how much Dan is okay with sharing, but Phil supposes is he says too much, he’ll just deal with the consequences later. “It’s his grandma. She’s had a stroke, and she fell, and she’s not doing well by the sound of it.” He says, allowing himself one shaky sigh before he forces himself back together. Dan needs him right now. Him. Not his anxiety. That’s a strength he can admit to. He’s a nervous, anxious mess most of the time, but when it counts, he’s there. For Dan, he can push that worry aside and focus on what matters. And what matters right now, is that he’s here to support Dan, no matter what happens. Phil has handled death before. He’s not sure if Dan really has much experience with losing people. But Phil is well versed. He hopes it won’t come to that, but if it does, he knows how to be here for Dan.  
28 November 2019  
00:31  
May 🌈  
The story really just gets worse with everything Phil adds to it. "Oh, good Lord," she exclaims. She puts aside her cooking to brings Phil into a hug, "Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry." No, it isn't Phil's grandma, but it's someone connected to Phil and Kathryn knows how poorly he deals with death. Phil will need to give Dan a lot these coming days, weeks, maybe months. Someone needs to take care of Phil, too, she thinks. Kathryn says, "I'm giving you some leftovers to take with you, at least, since the muffins won't be ready just yet. I'll drive you to the station as soon as you're ready. I want you to call me tonight when you have a chance, if you need me. Is there anything else I can do?" After all those years living with Nigel's cancer, Kathryn's learned a thing or two about health crises. She's a master at this point, she's sure. Kathryn doesn't suggest she go, she isn't sure that would be appropriate. Besides, she and Nigel haven't been separated for more than perhaps an hour or two in years, they've surely never been further than a town apart in decades. Kathryn can't drag Nigel to London right now, it all just isn't very logistically sound.  
00:41  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs, and shakes his head. “We’re okay, mum. We’ll be okay.” He promises. “I’ll call you. Don’t worry about leftovers, okay? I doubt we’ll be very hungry. We’ll grab something on the go if we need to.” He says. “Dan’s upstairs, he’s packing up and then we’re going.” He said. He took a few moments just to breathe, to collect himself and make sure he was firmly held together before Dan came back. Dan needed him to be solid. Phil didn’t know his grandma very well, but he had met her, and he liked her. And she seemed to like him, which Phil appreciated. And he just didn’t handle these things well. If this was her time, it was going to be a real struggle for Phil to keep it together. But he had to, for Dan’s sake. “We’re gonna be okay.” He repeated, mostly for his own sake. “Dan’s upset, he’s sorry that we have to leave so soon, but we’ll come back, okay? In a couple weeks or something, we’ll make another visit.” He promised her. This last month had been too much. One thing after another, one disaster after another, they needed a break.  
22:16  
May 🌈  
"Of course he is, the poor dear," Kathryn holds a hand over her heart, understanding completely. "Okay, Philly," Kathyn nods in understanding of his choices. Kathryn helps Phil through those few quiet moments gently, trying to give him space to think, but not wanting to leave him alone. "It'll all be alright. Let me wake your father up so he can say 'goodbye', okay?" Nigel would be heartbroken to wake up missing a son. She leaves the room to wake up Nigel. Upstairs, Dan takes about as twice as long as he should to pack their things. He checks his phone for new notifications incessantly, puts half of their things in the other's luggage, and keeps forgetting things in the bathroom. He's a mess. Adrian promised their grandmother is alive and her doctors are saying she should wake up sometime tonight, but Dan can't think clearly enough to focus on that. He feels horrible for leaving Phil's family and for not being there for Dan's grandmother when she needed him. He finally, finally zips up their luggage and does two checks throughout the room to make sure they didn't leave anything. Martyn and Cornelia are probably having a nap now, but they'll be back in London soon enough, anyway, Dan and Phil will be able to see them in no time. Dan finally heads downstairs with their things after Phil's said his 'goodbye's to his parents. It all seems to happen too quickly.   
22:27  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil spends a few minutes with his dad. He tells him what’s going on, promises to come back and visit again as soon as things are more stable. His dad is more than willing to let them go. He knows firsthand how important it is to have people you loved at your bedside when things looked grim. He’d been there, and he had no problem letting the boys go where they were needed. Dan comes downstairs then, and Phil moves to his side. His mum is getting her coat on, and Phil helps Dan to do the same. He looks just as shaken, if not moreso, than he did before. And Phil knows he’s making the right choice by going with him. Dan shouldn’t be alone right now. Even if the thought of seeing Dan’s family scares him a little, being there to support Dan is far more important to Phil. Far, far more important. The car ride to the train station is quiet. They both sit in the back seat, so that Phil can hold Dan and try to reassure him. When they arrive, Phil thanks his mum about a hundred times. He promises to call her when they know more. And then it’s just the two of them. There’s a train to wokingham arriving in twenty minutes. Phil buys the tickets, and then he guides Dan to a bench to wait. Twenty minutes. Then two and a half hours on a train. Then another thirty or so from the station to the hospital. It was a long time. Phil just hoped it wasn’t too long.  
29 November 2019  
01:02  
May 🌈  
Kathryn is an angel, of course. She holds Dan in a tight, very motherly embrace that she knows Dan needs. Dan wonders if his own mother will be anywhere near stable enough to give him such a selfless, loving hug when he sees her. Nigel gives Dan a much more chaste, quick hug, but pats his back wordlessly. The car ride is so quiet, but Dan hardly notices. He holds onto Phil's hand tightly and basically just stares at his phone the whole way, waiting for updates. He doesn't really get any important updates, but it makes him feel better to check. At the station, Dan and Kathryn hug again, and Dan really needs it. In that short moment, he lets her comfort him in a way he didn't used to really let anyone comfort him. Dan thanks her and apologizes, then thanks her again. Then, it's just Dan and Phil on the train. Dan holds Phil's hand anxiously, undisturbed by anyone who may or may not look at them. Dan needs Phil right now. He tells Phil everything he can remember Adrian saying on the phone, and how Dan's grandmother has never had any real health problems before, but how she hardly goes to the doctor, anyway, and he knows her mother (Dan's great grandmother) died of a stroke, or a heart attack, or something. Dan's words are quiet and a little panicked, but he wants Phil to know. For some reason. Dan knows he isn't thinking straight. He manages to calm down for a few minutes before the train ride is over, his head resting on Phil's shoulder just long enough to feel comfortable a few moments, then they take a tube to the hospital, and Dan practically runs to the front desk to sign in. The lift is so slow, Dan debates ripping the doors open again and taking the stairs, but he behaves. He first sees his mother, relieved at least, that her bruise has mostly passed. It's still noticeable, but only because she isn't wearing makeup right now. She hurries into a hug with Dan, but it certainly isn't anything like the one Kathryn shared with him. Dan doesn't really have much option but to let go of Phil's hand to return her embrace. This hug is Karen looking for comfort. "Daniel, what took you so long?" It isn't particularly accusatory, but it isn't exactly worried, either. 

"What? Sorry, where were you?" That is certainly accusatory. Dan moves swiftly past her, his eyes set on the room number Adrian gave him, literally totally ignoring Adrian as he hurries past the younger man. Dan doesn't know what he expected to see, but he walks right in on an intimate scene. The room is dark. His grandmother sleeps peacefully in a hospital bed with wires and needles poking out of her fragile skin and her husband's hands both holding hers. He looks up at Dan with a tired smile Dan recognizes all too well. He sees that moment in his mind again: Dan's father carrying a sad, confused Dan away from the only family he knows, Dan's grandfather watching sadly and helplessly. It's that same look. Dan didn't want to see any of this. He wanted his grandmother to prove Adrian wrong, greet Dan with a smile and a kiss on the cheek. He takes delicate steps toward his grandparents and sits beside his granddad quietly.

The older man parts with his wife's hand to rub Dan's shoulder the way he's always done. He whispers, "It'll all be alright, Dan." That really does it for Dan. He wipes at his eyes quickly, but nobody will judge him for this now.  
01:11  
Charlie 🎄  
A lot happens very quickly, and Phil finds himself stood in the hallway of an unfamiliar hospital, in an unfamiliar town, with two barely-familiar sets of eyes staring him down, looking for answers. They expected Dan to be here sooner, Phil realizes. And they didn’t expect Phil to be here at all. Part of Phil knows they probably don’t want him here. “We were visiting my parents.” He says, finally meeting Karen’s eyes. “We were with them, that’s why it took so long.” He said. He didn’t know what to expect now. Comforting Dan was something he knew how to do. Something he had years and years of experience with. But now, Dan was with his grandparents, and Phil was here, waiting. For someone else to speak, or move. Accuse him of something, shout at him, tell him to get out, something. These people didn’t like him and Phil knew they never had and they likely never would. He didn’t belong here and Dan was the only person in this hospital who wanted him here. So he wasn’t leaving. He’d find a waiting room to sit in, or he’d sit in the hall. It didn’t matter. When Dan came out of that room he was going to need Phil to be here. And he would be here, no matter what.  
01:25  
May 🌈  
Dan truly didn't mean to abandon Phil in the hall, but everything did happen very quickly, and he's so focused on his grandmother, he just isn't thinking straight. He trusts that Phil will understand. Karen is already pissed at Dan, so Phil's comment about his parents really just makes things worse. She crosses her arms uncomfortably, avoids eye contact, and turns to walk the other way without another word. Adrian sighs. Adrian already spoke with Dan on the phone, so he isn't at all offended by any of this. He sort of kicks his heel into the ugly tile floor, shoves his hands into his big hoodie pocket, and asks quietly after a very long moment of silence, "Do you want to grab a cuppa? There's a cafeteria. Downstairs." He shrugs, clearly also feeling awkward and unwanted, "Could be a while. Dan and Gran are really close. And Mum's… really moody." Adrian and Phil have never really had a conversation before. Adrian figures he's just a little brother and Phil is just the weird guy Dan hashangs around. They certainly haven't had a conversation since Dan and Phil came out.  
01:32  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil watches Karen walk off, and then turns to face Adrian when he speaks. They’ve never talked much. They’ve certainly never gone for coffee together. But out of all the Howells Phil has met, he’s least threatened by this one. Adrian’s just a kid. And he’s probably not feeling great at the moment either. Phil doesn’t know where they stand, he doesn’t know if Adrian likes him, but he knows the kid probably needs someone right now. So he nods. “Yeah, okay. Sure.” He agrees. He’s not sure how Dan will feel about it, but Dan has bigger things on his mind. More pressing things to worry about than Phil having a coffee with his brother. “Is your mum alright?” He asked carefully. “I don’t mean to upset anyone.” He adds. “This is upsetting enough, I know.” He sighed. They started to walk then. Phil let Adrian lead the way, and Phil just followed. It was weird. This was awkward, and it was uncomfortable. But there was no comfort in a situation like this, so he was going to have to suck it up.  
01:45  
May 🌈  
Adrian doesn't know Phil, but he does trust him. Dan's never been very good at keeping people around, so Phil is different. Adrian may be immature, but he can see that much. "Um," Adrian scoffs and rolls his eyes, "She isn't really ever alright. Honestly. You didn't do anything. Neither did Dan. She's just like that. It sucks." Adrian doesn't exactly have a lot of compassion in his voice. He foregoes the lift entirely in favor of the stairs, not thinking for a moment to ask Phil what he wants. That just isn't really how Adrian is. Dan is all insecurity and Adrian is all faux confidence. The cafeteria is nearly empty, strangely. Adrian quickly texts Dan to ask if he wants coffee, but Dan's phone is well off. He doesn't want to be disturbed right now. "Dan said you were in Manchester with your family? That's proper north. What's it like up there?" Adrian isn't good with emotions, among other things. He doesn't really apologize for upsetting Dan with all of this because he knows Dan wanted to know. He doesn't ask about Phil's parents, he doesn't like hearing about other people's perfect families.  
01:52  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles gently. Talking to Adrian feels a little bit like being interviewed. He’s asking questions, but he’s clearly not overly interested in the answers. “It’s nice. It’s... cold.” He chuckles softly, still just following Adrian’s lead, right into the line for the sad little hospital coffee shop. He’s really not sure what to say. It’s in Phil’s nature to care. To nurture, to try and mend what’s broken. But this is beyond Phil’s ability to mend. Adrian has this... weird confidence about him. Like he’s just so sure of everything, all the time. Phil has to wonder how much of that is just his personality, and how much of it is a mask he hides behind. But those are questions far too personal for someone he’s barely ever met, or spoken to. Instead, he decides to ask about the reason they’re all here. “So, a stroke? And Dan says she fell down some stairs? That’s...” he shook his head. “Is she hurt? I mean, aside from the stroke, did she... did she break anything?” He asks. Maybe he shouldn’t even be asking this much. He’s in over his head, and he doesn’t know what’s appropriate. He’s doing his best. That’s all he can do.  
09:53  
May 🌈  
"Yeah," Adrian answers more quietly, saving the gritty details until they find somewhere to sit. He doesn't take even one sip of his coffee. "Um… Grandad said she was walking down the stairs, she, like, randomly had the stroke, then she fell the rest of the way. Everything's carpeted, it wasn't too bad. They said she broke her ankle. She had internal bleeding, but it stopped on its own. She has a concussion, that's why she's still asleep." Adrian just looks at his cup of coffee, thinking back to that phone call with his mum. She called Dan first, he just didn't answer the phone. Well, she called her husband, but he, to no surprise of literally anyone, did not answer. Adrian thinks he would've rather heard it from Dan. "The doctor said she'll wake up soon, but she hasn't yet. The stroke is predictable enough, but with the fall, it's tricky." Adrian holds the cup of coffee to warm his hands the same way Dan does. "The doctor listed all these things that can happen to people who have strokes. Like, memory loss. Random pains, I guess? She might not be able to walk anymore, at least until her ankle heals." Adrian looks out the window to the side of him to watch the rain, "Sucks."  
10:01  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods, sitting across the table from Adrian, and sipping at his own cup of stale coffee. “Well I hope she’s going to be alright.” Phil said softly. The woman was older, she was in her 80’s Phil thought. But she’d always been quite strong and independent. Dan said she’d never had any health issues. Maybe she’d come back from this. Phil hopes she would. Because any alternative seemed far too sad. If she didn’t make it, Dan would be devastated. If she made it, but she needed some extra care and support, Phil worried that she might not have that. “How are you doing?” He asked quietly. “This is a tough situation, are you... are you feeling alright?” He asked. That seemed like an obvious question to ask. But with Dan’s family, nothing was obvious to Phil.  
15:26  
May 🌈  
Adrian thinks Phil's question is a bit weird. He shrugs, "I didn't have the stroke." He finally sips from his coffee now, trying to figure out what Phil is actually asking. "I don't know. Um. It all just sort of happened. Mum called me just… freaking out. Dad still hasn't answered the phone. She's really upset he isn't here. That's kind of why she freaked out at Dan. Dan wasn't here, either." Adrian shakes his head, clearly more distraught by being abandoned by his father than his grandmother's health. "And Dan didn't answer the phone for, like, two hours. It's no big deal. Mum was just really mad." These crises are never just the issue at hand: a husband hitting his wife, a grandmother having a stroke, etc. It's that and all the emotional baggage that comes with it. "I know Dan's just." Adrian sighs bitterly, "He and Gran are really close. I don't get it, but whatever." He sits back in his chair, almost slumping childishly. Dan was always around to be the adult, so Adrian was just never really expected to be anything but childish and selfish.  
17:43  
Charlie 🎄  
When Adrian began talking about everyone else, Phil wondered if he was intentionally avoiding the question, or if perhaps he really didn’t get what Phil was asking him. But he decides not to press the question further. “Dan and I were up north. We were visiting my parents, we had gone down to the beach, and he didn’t have his phone on him.” Phil explained, hoping that Adrian would at least understand that. Dan did not deserve to have people mad at him right now. They’d have been here far sooner if they’d just been laying around at home. Surely Adrian would understand that. Nobody expected these things to happen. Dan was never the type of person to keep his phone glued to his side, just in case there was an emergency. That was Phil. And clearly nobody had thought to call him when they couldn’t get in touch with Dan. So Dan really wasn’t fully to blame here. “I know your mum is probably really worried.” He added, taking another sip of his coffee, mostly just to keep himself from talking too much. She was just worried. Her mum was sick, of course she was worried. And those intense emotions she was feeling were being aimed at the wrong people.  
20:08  
May 🌈  
"Yeah, he said," Adrian responds simply. He isn't angry with Dan, he's just generally angry right now. He's dealing with a lot of emotions he just doesn't have the capacity to handle. He doesn't have a partner who supports him or a therapist or other people in his life to help. He has his father, or he did. He hasn't spoken to him in weeks. On top of everything, Adrian doesn't have the one person he would ordinarily turn to. Dan has been helping lately. He and Adrian have been talking, however shallowly. Then, things got bad, and Dan was nowhere to be seen. That hurt, but Adrian doesn't know how to express that in a healthy way. "I guess," Adrian murmurs at the mention of his mother. They aren't close or on particularly good terms. Things got worse after Dan moved out so many years ago, and they stayed bad. Adrian just doesn't deal with it the way Dan does. Or deal with it at all. "She's worried about Dad," Adrian avoids eye contact with Phil. "Gran is here, you know? The doctors are taking care of her. Dad… We have literally no idea where he is. Or if he's okay at all." Adrian shrugs, "It doesn't matter, I guess. Sorry. Don't tell Dan I said that."  
20:15  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods quietly, surprised that Adrian is opening up to him about his father. He imagines the kid must be feeling pretty bad right now if he’s telling these things to a practical stranger. “He really hasn’t called? Not even a text so you know he’s okay?” Phil asked softly. That was awful. Even if the man wanted to just run away from it all, leave his family, his children, and everything else behind, the least he could do is let them know he was alive. He didn’t need to tell them where he was, or what he was doing. Just letting them know he was out there, that he was okay, would be enough. It was selfish to just disappear like that. But Phil didn’t want to say too much, or be too accusatory. He didn’t know the man. He didn’t know any of these people. He only knew what Dan, and now Adrian, has told him. And it wasn’t much. “I’m sorry this is all happening.” He said quietly after a moment. “With your gran, and your dad, and just... everything. That’s really hard. I wish there was something I could do.” He said. Phil was a fixer. He wanted to help. Even if this family didn’t like him, or want him around, nobody deserved to feel like this, or go through all of this alone. Phil would help if he could. But he didn’t know how.  
20:34  
May 🌈  
Adrian needed someone. He needs his dad, and the man won't even text him anymore. He needed Dan, but Dan totally ignored him, too. So, here's this man who seems entirely harmless who is adjacently connected to Adrian. Maybe Adrian is just too stressed out to isolate himself right now. "Nothing," Adrian finally looks at Phil again, thinking for once that he isn't just some weird guy, but someone who belongs here. He isn't just Dan's roommate who follows him around everywhere, he's Dan's boyfriend. Which is weird, but Adrian isn't blatantly homophobic in that way. "Nothing at all. I get he doesn't want to talk to Mum, but I didn't think he would actually block my number. He didn't even say 'goodbye'. He just got into a fight with Mum and left." Phil is a very easy person to talk to. Adrian doesn't know why he cares, but he figures he doesn't have a lot to lose here. But Phil is really, really nice. Adrian doesn't know why. It isn't like Adrian has any control over what Dan does. "Thanks," Adrian replies genuinely. "Um. And for being here, I guess. You totally don't have to be. Like, our dad isn't even here, but you are. So." Adrian isn't good with feelings, so he just leaves it there. "Sorry we took you away from your parents and the beach up north."  
20:43  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil shakes his head. “Don’t apologize.” He says. “Dan was... he was really shaken. I’ve never really seen him like that. I couldn’t just stick him on a train by himself and send him off, you know?” He said, tapping his fingers absently against the side of his cup. He really couldn’t pinpoint a time when he’d seen Dan so distraught. Not about something like this, anyway. Whenever Dan got upset about his family, it was usually over some kind of argument. Never really anything like this. And for Dan’s sake, he really, really hoped that his grandmother would pull through, and be okay. She was one of the only people Dan seemed to fully love, and trust, and losing her would kill him. It certainly wouldn’t be easy. And Phil was already preparing himself for that possibility. “I know it’s... probably weird, having me here. I’m trying to stay out of everyone’s way.” He shrugged. He was here for Dan. And now, he felt like maybe he was here for Adrian too, a little bit. But Karen seemed pretty pissed about him being here, and Phil wasn’t sure if he’d ever even had a conversation with Dan’s granddad. So he had no way of knowing how he felt. He just knew he was here for Dan, and he’d keep being here for Dan, no matter how awkward it might be.  
21:03  
May 🌈  
Adrian doesn't think he's ever seen Dan like that, either, now that he thinks of it. He's seen Dan fight with their mother, that's nothing new, but he doesn't think Dan's ever really ignored him like that before. They didn't talk for a long time, but if Adrian ever wanted to, Dan would at least try. Dan was always there to take care of things, at least until he moved out. And even then, there were a handful of times their parents fought so badly, Dan picked up Adrian in the middle of the night so he wasn't alone. Today, Dan looked right at Adrian and slammed a door in his face. Dan isn't mad at Adrian, he's just shaken. Phil has a strange way of talking about people. "Yeah, I guess," he agrees quietly. It's good to know that someone looks out for Dan, even if it's a little late. "No, you're fine," Adrian quickly interjects. He doesn't want Phil to leave. "Really. Don't worry about Mum. She's fucking mental," Adrian admits quite frankly. "You're not in the way. You're cool. Thanks. I mean it." Adrian thinks a moment before saying, "I think she'll be okay. The doctor said it was good they brought her in so quickly. She isn't alone. Dan's overreacting. He always does." That doesn't come from a place of invalidation, Adrian is just trying to comfort Phil or something.  
21:16  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil doesn’t particularly like the way Adrian talks about his mother, or about Dan for that matter. But he supposes it’s not his place. Adria is young, and he grew up a lot differently than Phil did. Phil can’t judge the way he’s learned to communicate, and right now, it seems like Adrian is really looking for someone to talk to. Phil understands that. The kid has been through a lot. So, Phil decides to try talking about something less upsetting. “So were you at home, then?” He asked. “I know you like to travel a lot, yeah? You must have been visiting home.” He smiled. If he could get Adrian talking about himself, perhaps this conversation would feel less awkward and heavy. And Dan seemed to think that talking about himself was Adrian’s favourite thing to do, so maybe it was worth a shot.  
21:39  
May 🌈  
"Yeah, lucky. I just got home from this run at Cornwall. No service most of the trip," Adrian explains much more comfortably. "Yeah, it's awesome. I just did a huge trip to the Alps a couple months ago. It was sick." Adrian took a break from all the traveling when his dad left, but he doesn't really want to talk about that. "Look, I'll show you what I shot," Adrian pulls his phone out and pulls up the album in about two seconds before passing the phone to Phil. He tells Phil all the equipment he used, tells him all the little details about what the different peaks are called, and basically runs down his entire trip. That's so much easier to talk about than his family. Adrian thinks veganism and hiking healed him of his traumas, but that isn't true. He lives his life the way he does to cope, he just doesn't realize that. Photography, cross country running, and sponsored Instagram posts are great distractions, but that's what they are. He isn't dealing with anything head-on, he's just bailing because it's easier that way. He's still talking about his travels nearly half an hour later when Dan texts Adrian that their grandmother finally woke up, warning Adrian to be very quiet and gentle if he decides to visit right now. "Oh, look, see?" Adrian smiles, "I told you she'd be fine."   
21:47  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil listens as Adrian talks, finding it much easier this way. He really doesn’t know what to say to Adrian, especially when the topic at hand is so emotional, so allowing him to just ramble on is much simpler for the both of them. After a while, when Dan texts, Phil just nods. He doesn’t say it, but he knows that awake doesn’t necessarily mean fine. His dad never lost consciousness when he was sick, he was always alert and oriented and awake, but that didn’t stop him from being mere steps from death at any given time. But, he keeps that to himself. He follows Adrian back up the stairs and towards the room, pausing in the hallway when they arrive. It’s not his place. “You go on.” Phil smiles. Nobody else is in the hallway, and Phil assumes they’re all in the room with her. “Lots of people in there already. I’ll find a chair somewhere.” He says. “Just let Dan know I’m nearby, okay?” He requests lightly. Phil doesn’t feel comfortable entering the room. It feels inappropriate, and emotions are already high. Nobody needs him in there hovering around, unwelcome. This is a family matter. And despite being with Dan for a decade, Phil is not family.  
22:06  
May 🌈  
Adrian and Phil head upstairs together in silence. Adrian doesn't understand why Phil is suddenly being so distant. "What: Dan doesn't want to see you?" Adrian seriously doubts that. "At least come say 'hi'. He said she's fine." Adrian doesn't really want to go any more than Phil does. "Come on," Adrian encourages as he opens the door. The first thing he hears is Dan and his grandfather's soft laughter in response to a witty joke from the old woman. She's tired, but she's herself. That's the important part.

Dan glances up at the open door and gives his brother and Phil a light smile and welcoming motion, his voice quiet, "Hey." His mother is still sort of pouting, but she's just as glad as anyone for her mother to be conscious. Dan's grandfather still holds his wife's hand loyally. Dan gives Phil an apologetic look - he'll give Phil a proper apology tonight when they have some privacy. "There's room, I reckon." Dan stands to pull in a chair from the hall so there's enough for everyone. Including Phil. Adrian sits next to his mum, though he really doesn't want to. Dan was more than welcome in Nigel's hospital room, Phil is welcome with Dan's grandma. It isn't Karen's choice. Dan touches Phil's arm tenderly, "It's okay." Dan's eyes are red from all the crying he's done. It didn't feel good to do without Phil around, it never does. Dan opens the window to see the city lights while he's up. It isn't much of a view, but it gives some space to the dull room.  
22:15  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil really isn’t sure about this. It feels wrong. But the poor kid is insisting, and Phil can’t very well say no to him. So, reluctantly, he goes. He lets Dan fiddle about with the chairs in the room, and he quietly sits in the one next to Dan. He’s sort of off in the corner, but that’s okay. It’s the best place for him, he thinks. He can just stay here, and stay quiet, and let the family have their time together. This is very different than the time they spent with Nigel. Dan was more than welcome. Nigel even asked for him on occasion. Because in Phil’s house, Dan was family. In Dan’s house, Phil was intruding. So he sits in his little chair, and he lets one hand squeeze Dan’s waist as he gets up to open the window. He’s sure they’ll talk about this later. Phil’s not sure where they’ll be tonight. He doubts that he’ll be welcome to spend the night at Dan’s home and he doubts Dan will want to do that. If Dan wants to stay close, they can get a hotel, maybe. Or they’ll just go home. London is a much shorter train ride. But wherever they ended up at the end of this day, Phil knew there would be a conversation, and a lot of comforting. And that much, at least, was familiar territory.  
30 November 2019  
01:56  
May 🌈  
Dan really does feel better already. His grandmother is okay, Phil is here, and everything will be good again soon. Phil's touch is helping more than Dan thinks he understands. Despite his anxieties, Dan holds Phil's hand in this crowded room with his family. It isn't the right time or place, obviously, but Dan isn't willing to concede on this one. Dan already had some time with his nan, so he's okay sitting back for now and just being here with his family. He's still active in the conversation, but he doesn't need anymore tearful time with his loved one. She's okay for the most part. Slow, sure, but that's to be expected. It's no different than the way she always is first thing in the morning, except she's in some pain and she's disoriented from it all. If she notices Dan and Phil holding hands, she doesn't mention it now. Neither does anyone else, though Dan does catch Adrian looking a couple of times. Karen is more discreet with her lingering glances. She's quiet. Dan's grandmother comments on her sour mood, but Karen just deflects. They let it go for now, just enjoying their time together as a family. It's rare. "We should do this more often," the older woman makes most everyone crack a smile. "How's about Saturday at half past two? We can go out for a picnic in the park. Might be a tad cold. Philip, dear, you're more than welcome to join." Dan could cry. He doesn't deserve her. He gives her a smile and she gives him and Phil a wink. Even on what was very nearly her deathbed, Dan's grandma is looking out for him. That picnic will never happen, but the thought is sweet. The conversation swiftly shifts when a nurse comes in to check on everything.   
02:06  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil settles quietly in the chair, holding Dan’s hand against his leg and ignoring the slight, lingering stares they get. They’re not doing anything wrong, he reminds himself. They’re allowed to hold hands. They’ve been together for ten years, whether any of the people in this room knew it or not. Phil is glad to see the older woman awake, and cracking jokes, and trying to plan a picnic, bless her. He also smiles at her invitation, and simply nods. She likely wouldn’t even be out of the hospital by Sunday, let alone well enough for a picnic. But the offer was sweet regardless. A nurse came in then, maneuvering around all the family to check on some things, ask a few questions, and give a bit of medication for the pain. She promised them a doctor would be in early in the morning to review everything, to give them a prognosis and discuss how to best handle her care when she went home. She would need help for a while, with the broken ankle, and the weakness she was feeling on her left side, from the stroke. The weakness may fade with time, or it may be permanent. Time would tell. For now, she was already doing better than anyone really expected. And that was something to be grateful for.  
14:34  
May 🌈  
The thought that Dan's grandmother might not recover from this, that she might be confined to a cane or wheelchair for the rest of her life really bothers Dan. He gets really uncontrollably tense, but does his best to breathe through it. The rest of the night is sort of like that: Dan focusing on breathing. Despite everyone's concern, Dan's grandfather is entirely unwilling to depart from his wife for even a few minutes, let alone the night. He doesn't have to fight any nurses on the subject, but he's more than willing to. Dan makes a deal with his mother to take turns spending the night with his grandparents here in the hospital. Karen agrees to stay tonight, then Dan will do tomorrow. She heads out to pick up an overnight bag from the house for her and her parents. Dan, Phil, and Adrian will leave sometime after she returns. The atmosphere of the room feels much more calm once Karen is gone. They sit in what feels to Dan like comfortable, exhausted silence a while before Dan's granddad asks, "Adrian said you were visiting up north? Where is it your parents live? Is it snowing there yet?" The older man spent some time in the north as a child, but his family moved to London when he was young.  
16:13  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil just stays quiet for the most part, and lets people make plans around him. Dan wants to be here, it seems. At least every other night, starting tomorrow. So it seems like they might spend some time in a nearby hotel this week. London is close, but it’s still a lot of time to spend on the tube every day, coming back and forth. Phil falls into thought then. They’ve already got a weeks worth of clothes with them. When they leave here tonight, they’ll check into a hotel. And they’ll talk for a while about what their plans are. Or maybe they’ll just go to bed. Dan seems so tense, and uneasy. And who can blame him? Phil heard Dan’s grandfather when he speaks, but it takes him a moment to realize the man is speaking to him. “Oh, yeah, we were just visiting. They live in rawtenstall, just a little past Manchester.” Phil said. “No snow just yet, but it’s coming soon, I think. Awfully cold.” He murmured. Phil was tired. This was all quite overwhelming. He was focused on so many things all at once. On making sure Dan was okay, on making sure nobody else in the room seemed angry about his presence, and on planning for the next few days, his mind just seemed to be racing in circles, and he was tired.  
18:27  
May 🌈  
"You don't say? I spent some time in Rossendale as a child," the man tries to make lighter conversation for the kids. He and his wife are old, they can handle this. The grandkids shouldn't have to feel this the same way. He goes on to talk about growing up in a neighboring town to Rawtenstall. Dan pitches in a bit so Phil doesn't feel so on the spot, talking about how beautiful it is in northern England. "I bet you two miss Manchester. It's a lovely city. Much less dense than London. Less smog." In his own way, Dan's grandfather is trying to follow his wife's lead in making Phil feel welcome. It's an uncomfortable situation all around, but Dan's grandparents are just happy Dan is happy. They're much less extreme in their views than Dan's parents. They just want him to be happy, truly. That means the world to Dan. 

It isn't easy to leave tonight when Karen returns, but it's very late and visiting hours are nearly over. Dan spends a few long minutes holding his grandma, scared to leave her. He knows she's safe, but he thought she was safe earlier today, too. He offers to bring dinner, but nobody's hungry right now. Dan's grandmother wipes his tears when he finally pulls back and makes him promise to come back tomorrow to see her. "Of course," Dan manages. He hugs his grandfather, too, and even his mother, though they are obviously not happy with one other. Dan, Adrian, and Phil head out feeling all kinds of things over the spectrum. Adrian is quiet, so Dan sighs, "God, I just want to go home. Adrian, you didn't drive, did you?"

"No, I took the tube," he responds flatly. 

"Okay. We'll take you home first. It's on the way," Dan nods. He doesn't want Adrian out alone this time of night if he can help it. He can practically feel his bed, he misses it so fucking much. He just wants to cozy up to Phil and sleep for a very long time. Dan holds Phil's hand in his free one, the other occupied with one of their bags.  
18:34  
Charlie 🎄  
When they finally find themselves outside the hospital, Phil takes a breath. It feels like his first all day. It sounds like Dan wants to go back to London tonight, and that’s okay. At this point, Phil is willing to do anything that Dan wants to do. Because this is a very tough situation, and while Dan is holding it together now, in front of his family, Phil knows a breakdown may come when they’re alone. He has to be ready for that. “Do you want to go home, love? If you’d rather stay closer, we can stay somewhere.” Phil asks softly, just wanting to make sure he’s on the same page. They’ll take Adrian home, because it’s late, and he shouldn’t be out alone this time of night. Then they’ll be on their own. And that might actually be the part that worries Phil the most. Because there’s no telling how Dan will feel, or react, once he’s somewhere safe. Phil wants to be sure that no matter how Dan feels, he is properly equipped to help him.  
20:05  
May 🌈  
When they first arrived, Dan didn't notice how cold it is outside. He zips up his hoodie quickly and pauses walking to zip up Phil's, too. Dan nods as they continue to the nearby station, his voice still a tad cracked from all the crying he did earlier, "Yeah, I really do. Really." Dan sighs, feeling more tired now that he's aware of his exhaustion, "Is that okay? I thought you'd want to go home, too. It's been a long day." After all Dan puts Phil through, Phil is still here at his side, holding his hand. Phil won't ever stop amazing him. Dan could never hope to deserve him, but he'll always keep trying. Right now, Dan just wants to take care of Phil. All the late night apology texts to their friends in Manchester they were supposed to visit, Phil's family, and Adrian, probably, can wait. Tonight, Dan just needs to be alone with his boyfriend in their home. He thinks they wouldn't have much of a choice but to stay in a hotel if they had their dream home in Manchester. Dan quickly pushes that thought aside. This is not the time to put that kind of pressure on himself. Luckily, the tube is much warmer than the night air.   
20:11  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods. “Of course, yeah. We’ll go.” He promises. The tube is warm, and they all sit quietly until they reach Adrian’s stop. They said their goodbyes to him, watching him get off the train before it continued on towards London. It would be nice to be at home. That was the best place to be when things are hard. They both felt safe, and secure there. “God, what a day.” Phil sighed after a few minutes of quiet. “Are you okay love?” He asks in a whisper. There’s almost nobody else on the tube, and the few other people here were either wearing headphones, or sitting too far away to hear. He just needed to know that Dan would be alright. They were both exhausted and overwhelmed. They’d likely go home and go straight to sleep. But before that, Phil wanted to know that Dan was okay.  
21:16  
May 🌈  
Dan isn't much for words right now, but he hugs Adrian tightly before letting him go. Adrian somehow convinces Dan not to walk him to his flat no more than a two-minute walk from the station. Dan sits back down with Phil, watches Adrian walk away, and leans into a hug against Phil's side. He rests his head against Phil's chest and sighs out a deep breath he didn't realize he was holding. It's safe enough here and Dan is desperate enough now to do so. He doesn't cry like he did last time they were on this line, but it does feel like he's a lot closer to home than he actually is. Dan isn't quite sure how to answer Phil's question. He speaks quietly, tiredly, and very honestly, "I don't know. I love you." Dan can feel Phil's heartbeat and he's already starting to feel better. "Are you okay, Phil?" Dan can't imagine what's going through Phil's mind right now. It's all just been too much for one day, but they made it through. Here they are, very near to home, having survived a rollercoaster of a day. Dan already knows he and Phil can get through anything, but days like this at least reinforce that idea. Days like this hurt, but Phil is still here. Everything else can change overnight, but Phil will still be here in the morning. Dan doesn't know how he'd do this without Phil.   
21:21  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m okay.” Phil assures, rubbing Dan’s arm gently. “Tired. But I’m alright.” He promises. These types of situations will never be easy. Not ever. But at the end of the day, Dan’s grandma is alright, dan’s family didn’t kick him out, and Dan is still in one piece. As long as that’s the case, Phil is fine. Tonight and tomorrow are about resting. Because tomorrow night, Dan will come back to spend the night with his nan. Phil’s not sure where he fits into that plan just yet, but if Dan wants him to go, he’ll go. Or, if Dan would rather, he’ll stay home. It doesn’t make much difference to Phil. Right now, Dan is his main concern. “Your brother is... I like him.” Phil says after a moment, giving Dan a short squeeze. “We had coffee today, while you were in with your nan. He’s a good kid.” Phil says. It was really the first time he’d ever spent any amount of time with Adrian at all. And it went pretty well, all things considered.  
21:35  
May 🌈  
Complete opposite to Adrian, Dan finds it much easier to talk about others than himself. He smiles tiredly and closes his eyes, at least for a moment, "Adrian is a lot." He chuckles and shakes his head, "He really is. But he's good. He's just a normal kid. It's good." Dan hesitates before asking, "Do you think he's doing okay?" It's no secret Dan is worried about Adrian. He's always been worried about his little brother, perhaps more now that he's well on his own and traveling the world and lost his dad. "When we talked on the phone, he was really upset. He was crying about our grandma. And our dad." Dan hadn't really even dealt with that issue until now. "He leaves. That's just what he does, but he's usually there when things get really bad. He likes to play the hero. He just didn't this time." Dan quickly changes tone, "Thank God. Like we need him around to cause problems." Dan doesn't really want to talk about that asshole right now, "I'm just worried for Adrian. I think he thought this meant Dad would come back."  
21:43  
Charlie 🎄  
“He... I mean I don’t know him very well at all. So I really don’t know. But he did talk about your dad a little bit, to me. And I’m nobody to him, so... he must really be feeling it.” Phil said gently. Adrian was young, barely in his twenties. He was a full ten years younger than Phil. And he was dealing with a lot. In a way, it might even be harder on him than it was on Dan. Because Dan already didn’t have much to do with his father. But Adrian did. So his disappearance would hurt more to the people who saw him regularly. “Just keep an eye on him.” Phil suggested. It seemed to Phil that Adrian May be struggling. But he had no way of knowing, really. He didn’t know the boy. He didn’t know what was normal for him. Dan knew him, Dan would notice a change long before Phil did. “And I think... don’t tell him I told you, but I think he was a little upset that you ignored him in the hall when we arrived.” Phil said gently. “It’s not your fault, you were worried about your nan. You didn’t do anything wrong. I think maybe he just needed someone. Maybe that’s why he invited me for coffee. I was the last person left.” He chuckled weakly, shaking his head. Surely Adrian wouldn’t have wanted to spend time with him otherwise. Phil was simply a last resort.  
21:59  
May 🌈  
Ow. That one hurts. Dan doesn't have any response. He's a bad big brother. He and Adrian never really got along particularly well, but that wasn't Adrian's fault. Maybe it wasn't Dan's fault, either, but it is now because Dan is a grown man and Adrian is much younger and in a much less stable position here. Fuck. Of course Phil would notice something like that and Dan wouldn't. Dan is always on the defense in this family, he mostly sees his own issues. Phil is kind and thoughtful. "Thank you for being there for him," Dan murmurs just loud enough for Phil too hear. Of course Karen wouldn't take care of Adrian, she only sees her own problems. And Adrian was left alone. Again. Maybe that's normal for him. Dan sighs and sits up straight again to rub his face, "Fuck." This shouldn't be Dan's responsibility, but it is. Adrian is his responsibility and he's just been totally alone this whole time. Dan is mentally healthier than he's ever been before, it's time to be here for Adrian. Maybe he can convince Adrian that he can do better than their deadbeat father.  
22:06  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil realizes then, that he shouldn’t have said anything. Not now, while Dan is already so sensitive. “Baby, it’s okay.” He tries to soothe. “It was a hard day for everyone. It’s okay.” He says. Adrian might be the baby of Dan’s family, but he’s not a child. He’s old enough to understand his family, and why they are the way that they are. He didn’t seem to be mad at Dan, he understood how close he was with their grandmother. He just needed some company, and Phil was available. That’s all. It wasn’t at all an issue with Dan. At least, Phil didn’t think so. “He’s going to be alright.” Phil assured. “He’s home in his bed right now, yeah? It was a hard day for all of you.” Phil says gently. The last thing he wants is for Dan to blame himself or beat himself up right now. There’s always tomorrow. Things will progressively get better. His gran is doing very well, considering. She’ll keep getting better as the week goes on, and hopefully it won’t be long and she’ll be back to normal again.  
2 December 2019  
00:06  
May 🌈  
"It fucking sucks is what it is," Dan argues, albeit softly, before he realizes he shouldn't be arguing at all with Phil. Dan is just overwhelmed, he isn't upset with Phil in any capacity. Phil is totally right and Dan should be listening to him instead of acting like a twat. Phil doesn't deserve any of this. Dan sighs and holds Phil's hand again in a soft grip, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for literally all of this." This should not all be on Phil. Dan runs his thumb over Phil's delicate knuckles tenderly and looks into Phil's beautiful eyes quietly for a long moment. Dan's eyes are red and clearly very tired. "I'll… fix it. I'll work on things with Adrian tomorrow," Dan decides. "Thank you, Phil. I'm sorry. I really need you," he speaks quietly under the roar of the underground. Dan doesn't know what he ever did without Phil around to keep him feeling human. Dan just wishes he could be better at being human for Phil now. "I won't make you deal with all that tomorrow. You should think about finishing the trip up north with your family," Dan explains before he's quite thought it all through first. He just doesn't want Phil to feel stuck.   
00:14  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil shakes his head before Dan even really finishes his sentence. “No, I’m not going back.” He says. “I don’t have to come with you if you’d rather go to the hospital alone, but I’m not going all the way back up north. I’ll stay in London.” He says softly. If something happens, if Dan needs him, Phil wants to be close. He won’t be able to enjoy his visit up there if he’s constantly worrying about Dan. They’ll go back in a few weeks, together. “I love you, bear.” He murmurs, hugging Dan a little closer against his side and kissing his temple gently. The tube has stopped now, and someone behind them scoffs as they pass by. “Fags.” They comment, though they quickly pass, and leave the train at their stop. Great. Wonderful. That’s truly what Dan needs tonight, on top of everything else. At least the idiot has gotten off the train, but Phil glances down at Dan, wondering if he heard it. Dan doesn’t need that right now, and Phil can only pray, and pray hard, that he hadn’t heard the strangers harsh tone.  
00:15  
((Sorry about the slur, I just thought it would add to the ~drama~))  
00:15  
May 🌈  
[Love it! Not the slur, the drama lol]  
00:32  
May 🌈  
"I love you so much." Phil is perfect. The train stops, but Dan isn't quite finished, so he continues as some people move past them to leave the train. Dan is still holding Phil's hand when it happens, "No, it isn't about being alone. You know I want you-" Dan is shocked at the slur, but not so shocked he isn't otherwise affected. Dan would never, ever react this way, and he can hardly believe he does so now, but he absolutely blows up at the man who dares to harass Phil. "Hey, piss off, cunt!" It's stupid. It's really, really stupid, and it puts Dan and Phil in more danger than they need to be in, but before the lads can react, the tube door shuts and takes Dan and Phil far away. Dan kicks the subway door on its way out, grumbling, "Motherfucker." Dan doesn't hold Phil's hand anymore, or touch him, or look at him, or say anything at all to him. He sits back down to cool off before someone reports him to the police. The last thing he needs is to be arrested while his grandmother is in the hospital. He rubs his face, once again distraught. He just needs to go home, take his medicine, and go to sleep. Dan is not himself right now.   
00:40  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is shocked by Dan’s reaction. Genuinely shocked. They’re fortunate that they haven’t really been harassed in public since they came out, or even before. And even this is fairly mild. Just a mumbled insult under a strangers breath. It’s not enough to shake Phil, really. The stranger has left the tube, they’re safe, it’s fine. But Dan has been through too much lately for this not to affect him. Phil takes Dan by the wrist, just long enough to guide him back to their seat, and then he lets go. Everyone else on the train, though there aren’t many, are staring at them now. Dan, specifically. But Dan is sitting, he’s quiet, and Phil takes that as a win. He doesn’t speak anymore, he knows better than to touch Dan. He just quietly keeps an eye on him, until they’re off the tube, and out of the station, and back inside their flat, where the world can’t hurt them. “Can I get you anything?” He asks gently, once the door is closed and locked. This situation is one to navigate carefully, Phil knows. Because now, not only is Dan sad, and stressed, but he’s also angry. So Phil treads lightly.  
01:04  
May 🌈  
Dan calms down quickly enough, but he's still well and tense. There's a mother and her very young son on the tube that just won't stop staring at Dan. Dan soon recognizes that look on his face as fear; that little boy is afraid of Dan. That hurts. Dan doesn't feel like he can breathe until that front door to their flat is locked. The weight of his actions weigh heavy on Dan now that he knows he and Phil are safe. Oh, God. Dan doesn't cry just yet, but he's obviously not all present at the moment. "Mm," Dan murmurs quietly with a shake of his head. He rubs his eyes with shaky hands, feeling something come before he really recognizes the feeling. "I'm sorry," isn't enough, so Dan says it again, and again, and he sobs in that ugly way he always does when he cries and he just can't help it. It feels like the whole entire world is against Dan and he has only himself to blame for it all. Too gay, too attached, too selfish, too Dan. It's very late at night, his medicine has mostly worn off, and Dan is feeling all of it. He's so fucking scared, not just of everyone else, but of himself now. He's never, ever done anything in his life like what he did in the tube today.  
01:56  
Charlie 🎄  
When Dan bursts into tears, Phil pulls him in, and holds him tight, and gives him a minute just to sob. That’s what he needs. He needs to let out everything that he’s feeling and get it all out of his system. “Come sit down bear, come.” Phil says, leading Dan carefully to their sofa. Dan is not doing well tonight, and Phil knows if he can make sure Dan’s basic needs are met, he’ll have performed a miracle. “Sit, darling. Stay there for just a minute, okay? I’m going to get your medicine.” Phil says. That will help to stabilize Dan’s mood, and the sedative will help him get to sleep. He’ll make sure Dan has a piece of toast, because he hasn’t eaten all day, and a glass of water. Then, he’ll get Dan tucked into bed. So with his plan in mind, he retreats to the bathroom to find Dan’s bottle of pills, tipping one into his palm and filling a large glass with cold water, before returning it to the lounge where Dan is still hysterically crying. “Here, take this. Drink the whole thing.” He instructs lightly, sitting next to Dan and wrapping an arm around him. If Dan wants to talk, he’s more than welcome. But Phil needs to get him stable. It’s been a long time since Dan had a breakdown this bad.  
09:11  
May 🌈  
Dan could just as well be asleep, he's so far gone. He cries in Phil's arms and he cries on the sofa, as Phil instructs. Dan follows obediently, far too frightened of himself to dare make his own decisions right now. He's aware enough to know well and right he isn't in control right now. It's a struggle to drink a whole glass of water when all Dan wants is to curl into Phil's embrace. He keeps taking breaks to cough and sob before returning to the task at hand. This is rock bottom: not lying silently in bed for weeks on end in a horrible depression, but completely melting down. Once the glass is empty, Dan leans into Phil's side, feeling small and all too big at the same time. Dan is completely overwhelmed with it all. "I'm sorry, Phil," Dan whimpers again into Phil's chest between sobs. He can breathe better now, but all the feelings are still there. Once again, Dan is going to fall asleep all too soon, leaving Phil alone in the wake of Dan's mess. He doesn't want things to be this way. How is he going to spend the night with his family? How will he explain why he won't wake up during the night, no matter how hard anyone tries to wake him? What if something happens tonight, and Phil just can't wake Dan up? Dan doesn't want it to be this way. Everything is wrong.   
09:19  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’ve got you.” Phil says softly. He doesn’t need to say too much right now. He doesn’t need to tell Dan to stop apologizing, he doesn’t have to try and justify anything or rationalize. That’s not helpful. Dan’s not in the right state of mind for it right now. Right now, Phil needs to make sure that Dan feels safe. An emotionally charged afternoon with his family, was likely enough to leave Dan on edge all by itself. His grandmas health added to the stress. His brothers wellbeing added to it. His missing father and grouchy mother added to it. And having homophobic slurs thrown their way was the cherry on top of the giant pile of shit that was this day. Phil didn’t know exactly how Dan was feeling. But scared, upset, and threatened were probably good guesses. So before anything else, Phil needed to make sure that Dan knew he was safe. That he was loved, and that he was enough, and that he hadn’t done anything wrong. “I’ve got you, bear. I love you.” He whispered again, holding Dan close, and trying to surround him with all the love and warmth he could muster. The meds would kick in soon, and it would help. It likely wouldn’t solve the problem, but it would take the edge off enough for Dan to rest. Hopefully.  
3 December 2019  
00:57  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't know how Phil can still love him, and so very well. Phil is just incomprehensibly good like that. Dan doesn't deserve it, but he wouldn't give it up for anything. He holds on tightly to Phil for the long minutes it takes his mood stabilizing medicine to kick in. "I love you," Dan manages in response, but that much must be more than obvious. Eventually, other obvious things sink in too: Dan and Phil are safe, for one. The rest of the world may have gone to shit, but despite Dan's worst behavior, Phil is here safe with Dan. That basic need, at least, is met. It feels good to be home, where Dan can cry in peace, at least. That, too, eventually subsides. Dan is left sniffling and gently gasping for air, still holding a desperately tight grip on his partner, though his chest and hands feel much more tired now. He's finally worn himself out. Dan feels the sedative effects of his meds more strongly tonight than usual. He's sure he could sleep comfortably enough on this sofa, so long as Phil stays, but Dan doesn't want to put either of them through that. "Phil, can we go to bed? Please?" Dan asks innocently, his voice all cracky and shaky and weak. Maybe Phil doesn't want to spend the night with Dan at all. He has every reason to be afraid of Dan and angry at him for this horrible day he's put Phil through. Dan wouldn't blame Phil, though just the thought of that rejection brings a new wave of tears.  
01:05  
Charlie 🎄  
For a very long time, Phil stays quiet. His only job right now is to let Dan cry it out, and then carefully bring him back down to earth when it’s over. There’s no reasoning with Dan when he completely melts down. It just has to run its course. So Phil just holds him. He rubs Dan’s back, and he wipes the tears away from his cheeks, and he hands Dan a tissue for his runny nose. He lets Dan go through all the motions until he’s finally stable enough to speak. And then Phil nods. He’s not afraid of Dan. Not at all. How could he be afraid of someone who still had tears on their face? Who had proven over and over again to be one of the sweetest, gentlest people Phil had ever met? His actions on the tube today were shocking, and very out of character, but not for a moment did Phil fear for himself, or anyone else. Except maybe for Dan. He’d put himself in a dangerous situation by reacting that way. So yes, Phil has been, momentarily, afraid. But only for Dan’s safety. Now, there was no fear. No anger, just love. And violent, jittering anxiety buried deep underneath it that would no doubt keep Phil up all night. But that was a problem for later. The problem for now, was getting Dan to bed on unsteady feet. “Can you get up? Are you alright on your feet?” Phil asked softly, standing up and extending his hands to Dan to help him as well. Some comfy clothes and a warm bed would do Dan wonders, surely.  
01:24  
May 🌈  
Every little one of Phil's lovely touches brings Dan back closer to himself. He's the most perfect person in the entire world to Dan. Dan sniffles and nods with too much confidence at Phil's question. Dan is far less concerned with his ability to walk and far more so with his ability to do literally anything Phil asks of him, anything at all to prove his worth in any small capacity. Dan does well enough at the task with half his weight on Phil. They somehow make it up the stairs without another meltdown, the drugs really working wonders. Dan doesn't have any intention of completing his nightly routine tonight. He doesn't think he could breathe through his toothbrush and tears, he doesn't think washing his face would do much to stop new tears from replacing the old ones. So, Dan and Phil change into cozy pyjamas and crawl into their big, soft, warm bed. Dan gets about as close to Phil as humanly possible, his limbs feeling noodly. Dan doesn't feel himself, but this feels home, so he's half there. Dan adjusts so his ear is just over Phil's heart, where he belongs. It isn't anywhere near calm, Dan is confident Phil is dealing with a lot of anxiety, but Dan can't do much about it as he's lulled to sleep. "I love you," Dan whispers again through the darkness. No amount of repetitions will be enough. Dan's tense muscles relax, but Phil's don't, not really.   
01:36  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil’s anxiety is generally quite manageable. Even forgettable, on good days. But when things are bad, and stressful, the way things have been these last few weeks, it gets oh so much worse. He can suppress it, for the most part. Push it down and out of the way so that he can focus on Dan, because that’s far more important to him at the moment. But it’s there. His heart is beating so quickly he can barely feel it. There’s a moment when he physically has to help Dan get dressed, and that creates a tight, worried feeling in his chest. It’s not reasonable, and he knows it. Dan is upset. He’s worked up, and in the morning, he’ll be a little better. Phil knows this. And yet there’s a small, nattering part of his brain that constantly fears losing him in some way. Once they’re curled up in bed, Phil holds Dan closely. He listens intently to Dan’s breathing as it slowly evens out, and turns to that light, gentle snoring that means he’s really out cold. And while it relaxes Phil a little to know that Dan is safe, and stable, and medicated, and resting, it doesn’t calm him near enough to sleep. His mind wanders to everything else there is to worry about. Dan’s family. His gran, in that hospital bed. Her husband, who should be home sleeping but refused to go. Dan’s mum, who was struggling with countless issues of her own. Adrian, who was alone in his flat, probably just as upset. Dan’s dad, who had just disappeared. Who could be anywhere. Who could be hurt, or worse. And then there were his own parents. He’d forgotten to call. It was far too late now, but they were probably worried sick. Worry and stress weren’t good for his father’s health. Phil hoped he was okay. And Martyn? Did Martyn know? Phil hadn’t talked to him before they left. Dan snores loudly, and it pulls Phil back to the present moment. It’s been hours, he realizes. The sun is beginning to rise. And he’s still awake, and his heart hasn’t stopped racing.  
09:14  
May 🌈  
Dan's disoriented when he wakes up. It's quite a bit later than usual because he took his medicine so much later than usual. He doesn't feel rested, as he spent the night with Phil's quick drumming heartbeat in his ear. Dan's eyes feel dry and sore when he opens them. Today should be a resting day, but Dan should go right back to that hospital to be with his nan. Dan has literally no idea where in the flat he might have left his phone, but predictably enough, it's charging right next to Phil's on the nightstand beside their bed. Dan doesn't reach for it just yet. He presses a kiss to Phil's chest, wondering how he's going to fix this huge mess he made. Dan is a tad surprised to see Phil's awake. Dan sits up just enough to be able to see Phil at a better angle. "Phil, sweetheart? Are you awake?" Dan's tone is very gentle, but his voice is rough from all the crying he did the night before, and maybe even a tad from the shouting he did. Jesus, is that memory real, or is it a strange dream? Dan can't quite remember deciding to (try to) start a fight with some random shithead on the tube. Dan has a lot of fixing to do.   
09:25  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil typically doesn’t have panic attacks. They’re incredibly rare for him. But the right pounding in his chest makes him wonder if he’s coming due. When Dan speaks, Phil looks down at him with a loving concern, and pushes his hands carefully through Dan’s tangled curls. “Bear. How are you?” He asks. He doesn’t say it, but Dan looks awful. Pale, and tired, his eyes look red and dry, and his lips are all chapped, and there’s that deep, unsettling sadness behind his eyes that makes Phil’s chest tighten again. Phil has some work to do today, that much is clear. He needs to get that look off of Dan’s face. He needs to be sure that by the end of the day, Dan feels content and loved and appreciated. Phil can’t bear to let this day pass with Dan feeling like this. Phil is here, he’s always here to support Dan, and to love him, every moment of every day, and even harder on days like this. Loving people is what Phil does best. And he takes that so very seriously. Maybe it’s a character flaw. Maybe part of his anxiety is the fact that he gives 100% of himself to the people he cares about. And perhaps that’s another area in which he and Dan are quite different. Phil knows that Dan sometimes feels like he’s too much. Whereas Phil’s deepest fear, is that he’s not enough. And he sort of feels that way now, looking at Dan’s tired, sad eyes. He’s not doing enough. He’s not helping enough. He briefly wonders what his heart rate is. The humming in his chest tells him its likely high enough to scare any doctor.  
09:36  
May 🌈  
Dan's hand now rests on Phil's chest, nowhere near his heart, and he can still feel it pounding. Something's not right. Dan just gives Phil a nod, silently promising he's stable. "Did you sleep at all?" Dan looks over Phil's face and decides for himself: no, Phil did not sleep for even one minute last night. It's been building. Dan doubts Phil slept much at all the night before. Dan just feels relieved that he's rested himself so he can take care of Phil. For now, Dan soothingly rubs Phil's bare chest with his palm to give him some comfort. It's a start. 'How are you's don't tend to get Dan anywhere with Phil. On bad days, Phil will almost always claim to be just fine to ease Dan's worries. This medicine is not working for Dan anymore. Yes, it is easing his violent symptoms, but it's also leaving Phil totally alone on bad nights, and that isn't helping anyone. Something has to change so Dan can be here for Phil when he needs him. Phil looks a wreck. Anxiety has kept him up well over 48 hours, of course he's a wreck.  
09:44  
Charlie 🎄  
It takes Phil a while to answer. He’s focused on an eyelash that is sitting on Dan’s cheek, and it distracts him. He’s got a bit of a one track mind right now. But he soon brushes the little hair away, and settles back into the mattress, with his arms wrapped securely around Dan’s waist. He avoids the question. “Can I make you breakfast?” He asks. Dan didn’t eat yesterday. Phil should have made sure Dan had eaten. He didn’t. He had to be on top of that today. He needed to make sure Dan was eating, and drinking plenty of water. He had to make sure they got an update on his nan, that would put Dan’s mind at ease. A shower would be good. Maybe a bath. He needed to call his mum. They were worried. He promised to call and he didn’t. All these thoughts swirled around his head, as he tried to keep tabs on them all. None of them were about himself. None were about his racing heart or the feeling that he was unable to take a deep breath. None of them were about the static electricity running through his veins. None of them were about how tired he was. He didn’t feel tired. He knew he should feel tired, but he didn’t. None of his racing thoughts were about himself because Phil was a giver. And he had never been able to give to himself until he’d given enough to everyone else. The problem was that he could never give enough. No matter how hard he tried. It wasn’t enough.  
10:00  
May 🌈  
Did Dan even speak out loud? Dan has to wonder. No, that isn't the case. Phil literally didn't sleep at all last night. He must be beyond exhausted. Dan isn't quite sure how to handle this. He knows taking care of others makes Phil feel better, but he really just isn't well enough right now to do so. It's so fucking sweet that Phil is like this, but also, Phil is going to end up hurting himself. He's hardly even breathing. Dan promises gently, "I'm okay right now." He brushes Phil's hair back with soft touches, "But let's get some water, at least." Dan presses a lingering kiss to Phil's forehead before moving to get up. Dan doesn't even know how Phil's standing right now. Dan could literally never go so long without sleep. It really pains Dan to take Phil out of bed when he so obviously needs to rest, but he knows leaving Phil here alone will only make matters worse. "I just really want to take things slow today. Is that okay?" Going back to see Dan's grandma right now is just not reasonable. He needs to be here with Phil. They're obviously a proper mess, and they won't be good to anyone else right now. Dan grabs his phone before leading Phil downstairs, but he doesn't look at it just yet.   
10:06  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods. Of course. It’s more than reasonable that Dan wants to take things slow. He had such a terrible day yesterday, he was recovering. He needed to take it easy today. Dan was supposed to stay at the hospital tonight and Phil needed to make sure he was ready to do that. He stands then, and follows Dan down the stairs to the kitchen, where he moves immediately to the fridge to grab a few eggs. Dan said he wasn’t hungry. But if Phil made breakfast for himself, he knew Dan would join him. Dan needed to eat. He grabbed two large glasses from the cupboard as well, and filled them with water, handing one to Dan and keeping one nearby for himself to sip on. He was skipping the coffee today. Not that he couldn’t use it, but there was a silent fear in the back of his mind that his heart may actually explode if he gave it any more energy. “I’m gonna make omelettes, if you want one.” He smiles gently after a moment. “The ones you like, with the ham and cheese?” He added. Dan needed to eat. Even if it was just something small. And focusing on that kept him from focusing on anything else, which was a welcome distraction for the minute.  
10:44  
May 🌈  
[What's the name of Phil's friend in Manchester they were going to visit??]  
10:45  
Charlie 🎄  
((Ian!))  
10:45  
May 🌈  
[God ty I've been trying to think of it for like 20 minutes]  
10:45  
Charlie 🎄  
((No problem!))  
11:01  
May 🌈  
Phil has far too much energy for how little sleep he's gotten. Dan gives Phil a little shrug in response to the breakfast issue, not wanting Phil to feel burdened by his needs right now. Dan leans against the counter, sips slowly on his glass of water, and starts texting. No phone calls right now. He tells Adrian he loves him, apologizes to a whole list of people up north, and warns his mother that he'll be late visiting the hospital today. It all doesn't take more than a few minutes, but it feels good to have complete. "There we go. I texted Adrian, your family, my mum, and Ian. Done. Mum said Grandma's still doing okay." Dan doesn't mention that his grandfather is a nervous mess. He sets his horrible phone down and doesn't plan on picking it up again anytime soon. He suggests softly, "Why don't you have some water, Phil?" He stands beside Phil as the older man cooks, watching him. Dan reaches forward to lightly rub his back, hoping to calm him somewhat. He'll inevitably crash sooner or later. "Everything's alright. Try to relax, love," Dan speaks tenderly. He knows it doesn't particularly help to tell Phil to calm down, just as it doesn't help to tell Dan to cheer up, but Dan thinks it's enough to be here for Phil and be good to him.   
11:11  
Charlie 🎄  
Dan can see right through him, and Phil knows it. But he tries not to think about it now. He wants to think about Dan. He’s glad that Dan has texted everyone. It makes Phil feel slightly better to know that at least all their friends and family are on the same page. Everyone knows what’s going on, everyone’s up to date, and nobody is worried or afraid or upset. That alone eases Phil’s mind just a little. He takes a sip of water at Dan’s instruction, and returns to his eggs before they can burn. Omelettes are easy and quick, and they’re done before long, and Phil slides the first one towards Dan. If Dan eats, Phil will feel better. He’s just worried about a lot right now, and if he can knock those things off the list one by one, maybe his heart will slow. Maybe he’ll be able to take a nap. Just for an hour, he doesn’t want to leave Dan alone for too long because he knows Dan’s mind tends to wander. Maybe they can nap together. Dan’s obviously tired. “Here, eat a little.” Phil says gently. Dan is doing strides better than last night, and that’s very good, but he’s still not fully himself. And Phil hates when Dan’s eyes look like that. Like the world is too heavy for him.  
11:26  
May 🌈  
Dan and Phil are hardly communicating with one another right now. Dan sighs out a deep breath. They're a fucking mess. Dan picks up the plate and starts eating, realizing only when he takes a bite how long it's been since he's eaten. Oops. Okay, so maybe Phil does know best, but he's still not taking very good care of himself. This is just one of those messy days. Dan and Phil are both on edge, to understate the problem, and if the best they can do is take turns caring for one another rather than do anything at all for themselves, that's certainly better than any coping either of them can do alone. Dan eats steadily, albeit slowly, until he's finished the omelett. Dan shakes his head with a tired smile, "You're an angel. Thank you." He rubs his tired eyes, feeling less rested today than he has in weeks. He wouldn't mind spending the day in bed. "Actually. I don't know how you do it." Dan isn't talking about cooking anymore and they both know it. Dan will never understand how Phil is so giving and selfless, even when he's falling apart. Dan asks after some silence, "Back to bed? Or… we can stay on the sofa."   
11:34  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil picks away at his own food as well, and sips at his water, until he’s almost drained the glass. When Dan speaks again, Phil shrugs. He knows what Dan means. Phil’s not sure he understands it himself. He’d just always been so attuned to other people’s needs. Part of it was just his personality, surely. But fear played a role too, he thought. That old irrational fear that bad things could happen as a direct result of his actions, or more specifically, his failure to act. Phil loved people hard, and if someone needed something that he was capable of providing, then he would drop everything to provide it. If he couldn’t, he’d try to find a way. Because if he didn’t, and something terrible happened, there’s no way his anxiety ridden brain wouldn’t convince him it was his own fault. That he should have done more. That he failed someone he loved, who needed him. That’s how he did it. That was the answer to Dan’s question, but that wasn’t a pleasant answer. So he shrugged. When Dan suggests they go back to bed, Phil nods. Dan is tired. He could use some more sleep. And now that Phil has knocked a couple worries off his list, he thinks maybe he’ll close his eyes too. Just for a while. And only once he’s sure that Dan is asleep. “How do you feel today?” Phil asks quietly as they head back towards the bedroom. “Are you okay?”  
11:52  
May 🌈  
As if Dan isn't worried enough about Phil, He has a random, ridiculous thought about that boyfriend Phil had at York. For Dan, there's no good feelings that come along with thoughts of that boy. It's a sad story, yeah, but on days like this, the thought really only upsets Dan. It's unnecessary stress. Dan can't talk to Phil about it, and he really doesn't think he feels at all comfortable talking about the anger and jealousy he feels for Phil's dead ex-boyfriend. There's no good way to say something like that to a mandated reporter, or to Phil. Dan just has to hold that like he always has. It isn't a big issue, he just thinks about it when he shouldn't. Like when Phil really needs for Dan to not be immature and bitter. Like now. Dan waits until they crawl into bed to answer Phil's question, needing the time to figure out what to say. "I feel better than yesterday. I'm okay," he promises. Dan asks softly, maybe a bit fearfully, "Are you okay? Do you want to talk about yesterday? Or… we don't have to. Maybe we should just rest." Dan really just wants whatever is best for Phil. If he's anxious because of the way Dan acted yesterday, maybe they should talk about it. But maybe that will only make Phil feel worse. Dan is frustrated with himself.  
11:58  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sees something on Dan’s face, and it worries him. It’s that face he gets when his thoughts are wandering, and for some reason he looks... kind of mad. Phil immediately wonders what he’s done wrong. What he’s missing. Which of Dan’s needs is he failing to meet? He can’t think. Dan’s eaten, he’s had water, they’re going to rest, what more? Then Dan asks if Phil wants to talk, and he thinks maybe that’s the issue. Maybe Dan wants to talk about something. So as they crawl into bed, Phil wraps Dan up in his arms again, and he tries to figure out what it is that Dan wants to say. “I’m glad your nan is doing well.” He said after a moment. “Yesterday was scary, yeah? But at least she’s doing okay.” He smiled gently. Maybe that would get Dan talking.  
12:12  
May 🌈  
Dan feels better in Phil's arms. "Yeah. It was really scary. I scared myself, too." Dan doesn't even know where to start. "Thank you for everything. I don't know what I'd do without you," Dan murmurs. Phil's chest is still pounding. Christ, how does he keep this up? "I'm so sorry," Dan apologizes soberly. "Yesterday… everything happened too fast and it didn't stop happening. I didn't handle it well at all. I'm sorry." Dan thought he could handle hospital stress, family stress, and homophobic stress, but he very obviously cannot when they're all combined. He watches Phil's face, wanting so badly for him to say anything so Dan can know how to take care of him the right way. Phil has never seen Dan angry like that. Dan doesn't think he's ever been angry like that, ever. He's Phil's bear, he's gentle and kind and passivistic. Dan doesn't want to hurt or scare anyone. The thought that he scared Phil is really overwhelming. "I'm okay now. I'm better. I-I swear I'll never do anything like that again, like on the underground. Ever. I just… I have no idea. It just happened. I was so fucking scared."   
12:18  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil gives him a gentle smile. That must be what’s on his mind. And now that Dan is in a more stable mindset, Phil feels more able to discuss it. “You were so overwhelmed.” He said softly. “I know that wasn’t like you. But it’s understandable, love. You’ve been through enough. You didn’t need that.” Phil soothes. He knows that’s not who Dan is. He was just stressed, and upset, and not thinking clearly. “I don’t think I can say it’s okay, but I can say that I understand. You were scared. It happened. And now you’re safe.” He promises. Dan is always safe here, in their home, where the world outside can’t get them. This is their safe haven. And as long as they’re together here, they can get through these things. They can, and they will. Phil is sure of that. “Try not to be too hard on yourself, okay?” He breathes, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Dan’s head.  
May 🌈  
Of course Phil isn't upset with Dan, but realistically, shouldn't he be? Dan kisses Phil's cheek lingeringly before giving him a proper kiss, however slow and soft and short. Dan hugs Phil tightly and apologizes another couple of times. Dan thinks there's something deeply wrong with himself for being so suddenly quick to anger. Why? He's never reacted that way before with anyone. He's gotten into a handful of arguments with his father in the last few years, and Dan was certainly angry, but Dan has never lost control like that before. Some horrible little voice in his head tells him it's the new medicine. "I'll talk with my therapist about it." Dan doesn't want Phil to feel afraid, but more importantly, Dan doesn't want Phil to be in any kind of danger, especially from Dan. For now, Dan just has to put it out of his mind. "Are you okay?" He pulls back just enough to look into Phil's eyes, "I know I… that was scary. This is all scary. You're… you seem really anxious. You haven't slept. Would you feel better if I slept in the other room?" Maybe not exactly in this moment, but his heart still isn't feeling quite normal. Maybe it's Dan's fault. Maybe Phil is anxious around him now.   
22:19  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is a little confused by Dan’s suggestion to sleep in the other room. In his foggy, vibrating mind, it takes him several long seconds to puzzle it all together. “Do you think I’m anxious because of you? Yesterday?” He asks, bewildered. “Baby, no. I’m not scared of you.” He chuckled lightly, just the thought of it so ridiculous. Dan didn’t even kill bugs. Multiple times Phil has watched him chase a spider or a bee around the room, trying to catch them in a cup or coax them out an open window. Phil had seen him apologize for bumping into a mannequin. Dan, of all people, was not a scary person. One stress-induced outburst on the tube was not enough to give Phil any sort of fear. It was a one time thing. Sure, he’d made a scene and earned them some stares, and probably annoyed the other people on board, but he hadn’t hurt anyone. And he wouldn’t have. Even if that man had stayed on the train, he’d have been in less danger than Dan. What would Dan have done to that man, realistically? Fought him? Hit him? No. He’d have shouted, realized he was shouting, and then cried. That was the extent Dan’s anger ever went to. Phil had seen him angry, Phil had seen him pissed off. Phil had seen him yell and shout, but it never lasted more than a moment.  
22:33  
May 🌈  
Dan releases a breath he didn't know he was holding when Phil literally laughs at the idea of Dan being in any way threatening. Sure, comparing this one incident to countless acts of gentleness makes it all seem ridiculous, but all Dan can see behind his eyelids is that moment on the tube played over and over again, probably distorted with anxiety and exhaustion. Dan laughs a little, too, but it's breathy and nervous. "Really?" Dan asks insecurely. Is it really not half as big a deal as Dan made it out to be? The thought is so relieving, Dan could literally cry. Dan knows being cast out to sleep alone because he traumatised Phil would be traumatising to Dan in itself, but Phil means far too much to Dan not to offer him a safe space, whatever that means. That naturally prompts his next question: "Is something else on your mind? Are you okay?" Sometimes, Dan has a pretty good grip on Phil. He and Phil do very nearly everything together, Dan usually understands Phil's experiences quite well. It's strange to be so off this time. Dan clarifies, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just. I really love you, I don't want you to feel alone."  
22:44  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, and nods. “Really. I know it was really out of character for you, but it was... I mean, it was justified. He was being an asshole.” Phil shrugged. “And you were really having a bad day. You wouldn’t have done that otherwise.” Phil said, holding Dan a little closer. At his next question, Phil smiles again, softer now. “It’s just been a weird month.” Phil explains. “A lot, you know? It’s been one thing after another. It’s like I can’t even process one thing before the next thing happens.” He reasoned. He didn’t want Dan to worry about him. Phil didn’t like being worried about. He just got worked up and overwhelmed sometimes, is all. He was fine. He thinks the worst part is knowing that his fears and worries are stupid and unjustified. He knows he’s being ridiculous, and he knows that Dan will think he’s being ridiculous. He sees no point in burdening Dan with his own insanity. It’s not like Dan can fix it. Phil just has to find a way to deal with it and let it pass. Until it does, he’s just stuck with it.  
4 December 2019  
19:30  
May 🌈  
Dan runs his fingertips through Phil's short hair to soothe him as he opens up a little. Dan murmurs understandably, "It seems like your dad just started remission." Maybe that's part of it. "And we came out. I switched medications. It doesn't feel like any of that is over yet." He adjusts a little so their legs can fit more closely intertwined together. Dan takes a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I think… I think I'm sort of used to the chaos. That's just… That's all I used to know. But you don't." Things affect Phil differently than they do Dan. Some things, Phil seems to have endless resilience whereas Dan feels chronically lost, but others, Dan seems to be endlessly durable whereas Phil is more sensitive toward. Dan wishes he were better at looking out for Phil, he wishes Phil could open up a little more to Dan about these things. "You handle things so well. I know you get anxious. You just always choose the right thing, anyway." Phil is so giving and selfless, Dan just wishes Phil would let him help Phil feel better.   
19:55  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles gently, and lets Dan snuggle up as close as he wants. He holds him close and rubs his back, and sighs. “I feel like I should be used to the chaos by now.” He chuckled lightly. Their lives were made of chaos. The careers they’d chosen guaranteed chaos at all times. But that type of chaos was something Phil felt he could handle. When it came to this, all this nonsense in his personal life, it was so much different. “I don’t know. I’ll be okay. I just need to chill out.” He chuckled. They’d just been through a lot in a short period of time and it was all catching up to him. He was fine. If he kept telling himself he was fine, he’d start to believe it. Even if he felt a bit like he was going insane. “Why don’t you get some sleep, love? You should be rested if you plan to stay at the hospital tonight.” He reasoned. Dan needed to rest. And Phil would try to do the same, though it never came easily to him when he felt this on edge.  
20:13  
May 🌈  
Predictably enough, Phil brushes the topic aside. Dan feels really sad at that. Does Phil talk to anyone about these things? Maybe his mum? It hurts that after everything, ten years of everything, Phil still doesn't feel like he can talk to Dan. He would rather have Dan asleep than let him help. Dan rests his hand on Phil's chest again to feel his heartbeat. Still not calm. Dan just doesn't know the right thing to say. It's difficult to talk about Phil with Phil. His focus is always on other people, he gets so easily overwhelmed discussing himself. Dan rubs Phil's chest very slowly, just trying to give him some comfort. "I'm okay," Dan promises softly. "What do you think about tonight? I don't want to drag you all the way back to spend the night in a chair, but it sucks that I dragged you all the way back to London. Just to leave you alone at home." He furrows his brows, "I'm really sorry about… all of this. Literally. I don't want to put you through this, baby." Dan's about at his threshold for seeing Phil in hospitals.  
20:21  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs, and presses a kiss against Dan’s head. “It’s up to you, love. I’ll come if you want me to. Or, I’ll just stay here. Whatever you need.” He promised. “I don’t... I don’t know if your nan would be comfortable having me there. I don’t know. I can stay here, if that’s the case. You know I’ll come at a moments notice if you need me. I’ll have my phone on.” He promised. As much as Phil hated hospitals, this wasn’t about him. It was about Dan, and Dan’s family. And whatever Dan needed from him, Phil would give. “And please stop apologizing.” He added softly. He knew why Dan was doing it. But it really didn’t help. It almost made Phil more anxious, just to know that Dan was beating himself up over accepting help. He knew he may never convince Dan that he was worthy of all this. That he deserved to have help, to have a support system, and to be loved regardless of his mental state. Dan May never believe those things. And Phil would always feel like he wasn’t doing enough to make him believe those things. But that’s just how it was, he supposed. There was only so much they could do.  
21:23  
May 🌈  
Every one of Phil's touches is literally perfect, like he's actively trying to put Dan to sleep. Dan fights sleep determinedly. "My grandma knows I love you. She likes you. I promise." She made that clear enough last night, Dan thought. It's a weak response, nonetheless. Dan doesn't know what to say. He doesn't think this decision is up to him. "I don't know. I don't know what's best. Please, don't make he choose." It isn't fair to put this on Phil, and Dan is already making things difficult for Phil, but Dan just can't do that. He wants Phil with him all the time, especially when things are bad, but that's selfish. Phil should stay home and sleep, but he'll stay up the whole time worrying. Dan just wishes things were better. He buries his face against Phil's shoulder and closes his eyes. He just wants today to be far away from here. He wants all of this to be over. He'd like nothing more than to wake up in Phil's arms several years in the future in their forever home. With their fish. Dan doesn't want anything else to matter.  
21:30  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil kisses Dan’s forehead again, and tries to calm him. Dan seems really torn about what he wants, and Phil doesn’t want him to upset himself trying to figure it out. “Why don’t I stay here?” He suggested. “You need some time with your nan. It’s a half hour train ride, I can be at the hospital in 45 minutes if something comes up and you need me there.” He reasoned. It seemed like a long time, but it was better than the several hours it had taken them yesterday. “I’ll keep my phone on. If you call, I will answer.” He promised. The ringer was loud enough to wake him from a dead sleep, though he was a light sleeper anyway. And with the way sleep was treating him lately, he knew he’d have no issue waking up. If he fell asleep at all. “It’ll just be you and her, yeah? Your mum will go home to rest, and your granddad too, if anyone can convince him.” Phil said. “It’ll just be you and her. And that will be kind of nice, won’t it? It could be under better circumstances, but still.” He smiled softly.  
5 December 2019  
22:47  
May 🌈  
"Okay. Thank you," Dan finally replies after several moments of silence. Dan won't need Phil, he's sure. He'll be okay. He just hasn't spent the night with his horrible family in literally over ten years, no big deal. No, his whole family isn't horrible. Karen won't stay, and that's a great start. If Karen and Adrian aren't there, there's no way Dan's father will show his face, surely. Just Dan and his grandparents, maybe even just his grandma. It sounds so much more doable and so much less overwhelming when Phil lays it out that way. Dan literally needs Phil to think clearly. Dan wants to spend the night with his grandma. He misses her dearly, he feels a terrible pain in his chest just thinking of her now. He nods once more in agreement, though upon second thought, the idea of sleeping without Phil, especially now, seems completely horrible. They'll have all day together, and if they still feel crummy and shaky and attached at the hip, Phil can always change his mind. Without much warning at all, Dan feels his eyes tear up. That guy on the underground last night terrified Dan, but he isn't half as scary as what happened to Dan's grandmother last night. Just the thought of it has Dan in tears in minutes. He tries to breathe through it, hoping it will pass, but it doesn't. "I'm sorry," he mutters once more, though he knows Phil doesn't want him to.   
22:53  
Charlie 🎄  
“It’s okay.” Phil breathes, feeling the way Dan struggles to hold himself together. They’re both bursting at the seams today in one way or another. “You’re okay. Everyone’s okay.” He promises. Dan is allowed to cry. It helps him, Phil thinks. To get it all out of his system. The more he cries now, the less he’ll cry later, with his grandma, who needs him right now. “You get a say too, you know.” He reminds him. “If you want me to come, I absolutely will.” He promises. Is that what Dan’s upset about? Phil knows that the idea of spending a night with any of his family is probably very daunting to Dan. But he loves his grandparents. As long as it’s just them, he should be okay, right? Maybe not. Maybe even that is too much. And if that’s the case, if Dan doesn’t want to be alone even just with his sick grandma, then he doesn’t have to be. Phil will go. He suggested staying home only because he thought it might benefit Dan to have some quality time alone with her. But if Dan feels differently, then Phil will never push him.  
23:12  
May 🌈  
It is not okay and it seems nobody is, either, but Dan doesn't say that, because he knows Phil is not okay, and Dan doesn't want to put any more on him. It's all just too much right now. Dan feels so entirely powerless and he just doesn't have his usual coping. He can't just lie in bed and dissociate, his meds aren't allowing his mind to go to that place. Dan doesn't know what more to do than cry and hold onto Phil. "It hurts," Dan whimpers through quiet sobs: well, quiet for Dan. "It hurts so much, Phil. I'm sorry. Just- all of it, everything." Dan is sure it will stop eventually, but right now, it doesn't feel like the pain will ever subside. It's a lot of crying, the last couple of days. Dan didn't used to react like this to everything. He feels less in control of it now. Maybe it's the meds, maybe it's just Dan getting older, maybe it's life getting worse in different ways. Dan can't sort through it all right now. He certainly isn't uncontrollably panicking like he did last night, but Dan isn't exactly in control right now.  
23:19  
Charlie 🎄  
“I know, baby. God, I know.” He breathed, pulling the duvet up around Dan’s shoulders to keep him warm. This last little while had just not been good to them. First with Dan’s med change, all the problems that caused, and might still be causing as his body adjusted. Then everything with his parents, now his grandma. Dan could not catch a break. That was another reason Phil felt so guilty for being so anxious. All of this was about Dan. Dan’s health, Dan’s meds, Dan’s family. Phil had no right to be as anxious and jittery and sleepless as he was. He should be doing so much better for Dan right now. He should be so much stronger, so much more supportive. Dan deserves better than this, and yet he felt that he couldn’t properly give Dan what he needed because his own stupid worries were always in the way. And of course, that feeling of inadequacy only made him even more anxious. It was a vicious cycle he couldn’t seem to escape from. “What do you need, bear?” He asks softly. “Anything. What can I do to help?” He whispers. Phil has to try harder. He wants to try harder.  
23:37  
May 🌈  
Phil understands, of course he does. For all his shitty communicating, he does understand. He and Dan are life partners. Phil's been here through all of this. He knows. Dan is no longer a lonely child. He starts to calm down up until it's obvious Dan is stressing out Phil more. That certainly doesn't help any of this. That, Phil still doesn't seem to understand. Dan reminds himself that Phil can't help it. Neither can Dan. They love each other too much for their own good sometimes. "You're perfect," Dan finally whispers back through shaky breaths. He presses a lingering kiss to Phil's shoulder and grips Phil's pyjamas a little more tightly in his fingers. When Dan convinces himself to calm down a little more, he tells Phil, "You're the most perfect person I've ever known. There's nothing more to do. You're my whole world." Dan doesn't know how else to soothe Phil's anxiety. He's nervous to leave Phil alone so long while he's feeling so rotten. "You can't control everything. That's all there is."   
23:46  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs, but he nods. He can’t control everything. He hates it, but it’s true. Some things are just beyond his control, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Phil likes to feel like he can handle things. And lately he hasn’t been feeling that way. This was all so far above his head, it was so much more than he was used to dealing with. Dan’s mental health has always been a background issue. Even when things were at their absolute best, his depression bared watching. Phil had years and years of practice with that, helping Dan through his lower points. But with this new med, it seemed like things were a little different. Dan’s low points weren’t exactly the same as they’d always been. Add in all the family drama and Phil really didn’t know what to do. “You’ll tell me?” He asks softly. “If there’s anything I can do. Anything at all. You’ll tell me?” He needs that much. He needs to know that Dan will come to him. That he won’t bottle anything up or shove it down until it makes him feel so dark and twisty that... well, that he starts having bad thoughts. Phil doesn’t want him in that dark place, not ever. And everything that’s been happening recently was surely more than enough to drag anyone down.  
7 December 2019  
14:54  
May 🌈  
Dan nods, "Of course. Of course, I tell you everything." Dan asks sort of rhetorically, since he already knows the answer, and he's sure Phil will lie about it, "Will you?" He wipes the tears from his eyes fruitlessly, "Even if it isn't easy, would you tell me if I could do anything to help you? Because you know I would do anything for you, Phil. Literally anything at all. I want that, if there's something I can do." Phil must know Dan isn't exaggerating in the slightest. It isn't like when Dan was young and infatuated with Phil. It isn't so much that he would do anything to keep Phil in love with him, but he would do anything for Phil regardless of the love he's giving Dan. Dan will always be committed to Phil in that way, he's confident nothing could change that. Phil has far more than proven his trustworthiness over the past ten years. Phil so sparingly asks anything at all of Dan, Dan completely trusts Phil would never ask anything that wasn't completely justified and right. Phil is literally the best person Dan has ever known. Phil is selfless to, at times, a dangerous degree. Dan is safe with him. The problem isn't that Phil has any wild requests, it's that he won't be honest with Dan when he needs him.  
16:59  
Charlie 🎄  
It takes Phil a moment to answer that. Because he doesn’t want to lie, but he’s not sure if he can truthfully give Dan an answer that he wants. It’s difficult for Phil to ask for help. Especially at times like this, when Dan isn’t exactly doing well himself. Phil can’t possibly ask anything of Dan right now, while he’s already struggling. His anxiety simply won’t allow it. It makes him feel as if he’s piling more stress on top of Dan instead of helping him to ease it, like he should be. And realistically, what can Dan do for him? The only thing that will ease Phil’s mind in times like this, is knowing that Dan is okay. Because Dan not being okay is what sets him off. Phil doesn’t know what Dan can do for him that won’t simply intensify that ‘not enough’ feeling that he gets. It would be different, maybe, if only Phil was struggling. If Dan’s mental health wasn’t also an issue, maybe Phil would be able to ask him for help. He didn’t know. All he really knew is that he couldn’t lie to Dan, and the truth wasn’t something he wanted to hear. “I’ll try.” He said quietly after a long moment. That’s all he could do. He would try to be more open with Dan about his feelings, about his needs, about what was bothering him. But he couldn’t promise complete transparency. He just couldn’t.  
17:20  
May 🌈  
It hurts to hear, of course it hurts, but Dan understands. Dan's mental illness is self-destructive, but so is Phil's. Dan's depression pushes him to hide away in his and Phil's bed where he's safe, even if that means he's hardly living at all at his worst. Phil's anxiety pushes him to hide from the people he loves to keep them safe, even if that means Phil is left feeling all that anxiety all by himself. Dan's mind keeps going back to Kathryn's mention of Phil's stupid college boyfriend, which naturally, brings more tears, since Dan's already upset about literally everything else. Kathryn can't possibly know the half of what Phil felt going through that, and neither does anybody else, Dan included. Dan just doesn't understand how someone could do that to Phil. Dan has attempted suicide before, but he's never even considered it since meeting Phil. All Dan needed was for the pain to subside, just a little. Phil's love did that for him, it could do that for anyone. Now, someone special hurt Phil so badly, Phil's feeling some of that pain, too. Dan hates that man for doing this. Dan kisses Phil's cheek lingeringly, "Thank you. I love you so much. I just need you to try, okay? Really try. Please. For me? I always want to know how you feel and what you're thinking, baby. Always. I mean it." Dan needs Phil to know, "I know things… fucking suck, but I'm always gonna be here for you."  
17:33  
Charlie 🎄  
“I will try.” Phil whispers. It’s all he can do. It’s all he can promise Dan. Effort. That’s all. And Phil hopes it’s enough. He knows that Dan has said that he doesn’t go to that dark place anymore. That he hasn’t in years. Phil trusts that. He has no reason to believe that Dan will hurt himself. And yet the fear is always there. Such a deep, sickening fear that Dan will hide it, and Phil won’t notice. That he won’t see that something is wrong until it’s too late. It’s so irrational, and Phil knows it. But the risk is there, no matter how microscopic. And Phil can’t do it again. He doesn’t talk much, about what happened before, in uni. That was a long time ago. He’s moved on, and he’s accepted it, for the most part. But it left such an ugly scar on Phil’s heart that he wasn’t sure would ever go away. Dan knew about it, of course. He knew the basics. But Phil never went into detail. Never talked about it beyond the very bare bones of the story. And it was likely that he never would. Phil just wished the man would leave him. But, he knew that was unlikely as well. Phil had handled death, he’d been to plenty of funerals. But it was different, when it was someone elderly, or someone you weren’t particularly close to, or when the cause of death was out of anyone’s control, such as an accident or an untreatable illness. It was an entirely different feeling, to attend the funeral of someone your own age. Someone you were in love with. That you saw a future with. Who had actively chosen to die. That was a grief unlike any other, and Phil couldn’t do it again. He was so much more vigilant with Dan. So much more involved, and so much more helpful. And still, sometimes he worried.  
8 December 2019  
08:09  
May 🌈  
"Things will feel better," Dan promises softly. Phil is usually the optimistic one, but Dan thinks he can manage some positivity right now. Dan's guilt feels very heavy right now. He regrets telling Phil about his suicide attempt. He never wants to lie to Phil, but if he hadn't told Phil, Phil would not be afraid in the same way. More importantly, he regrets the attempt. He's regretted it every day since. Dan won't ever stop regretting that. He tries to listen to his therapist and not be so hard on himself, but to see Phil so afraid to even say how he feels to his life partner because Dan made a stupid fucking choice… How can Dan let that go? Phil can't trust Dan anymore. He doesn't trust Dan to eat or sleep or care for himself at all, really. That's why Phil is so adamant about all this self care shit when all Dan wants is to be with Phil. Phil will never understand how good he is for Dan's mental health. He truly doesn't have to try. He brings so much joy to Dan's life, it's overwhelming at times, but Phil doesn't see all that joy. He sees fear. Dan doesn't know how to soothe Phil's fears. It's too late, perhaps. Dan doesn't want to believe that. Dan believes in Phil's innocent heart. Dan softly rubs Phil's chest now, trying hard to calm down for both of them, but Phil's heartbeat isn't doing much but scare Dan right now. Eventually, Dan does manage to calm down, relatively. His palm travels up and down Phil's back under his pyjama top at a slow, steady rate Dan really has to concentrate on to keep. Dan promises weakly, "We'll be okay." Dan has a lifetime to help Phil heal from that loss.   
08:16  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil knows that they’ll be okay. They always are. Things are bad right now. Stressful, and scary, and painful. But it won’t be that way forever. Things will improve. Phil just needs to get out of his own head. “I’m tired.” He says softly, quietly. The word is heavy as it falls from his lips. He’s tired in every possible sense of the word. Mentally, emotionally, physically, tired. Exhausted. He can sleep all day if he wants to but that will only solve part of the problem. He needs this to be over. For things to get better. That’s the only way he can rest his mind. But that’s a process. Once Dan’s grandma gets better, maybe things will improve. Phil doesn’t know if he can handle another disaster right now. There’s too much on his mind, he can’t take on anything else. But he will. If something else does come up, he’ll take it on. Because that’s what he does. And one day he’s sure it will kill him. “Can we just have a nap? You need to rest too.” Phil whispers. It’s not much. He’s masking his own needs behind concern for Dan’s. But it’s a start. They both need sleep.  
08:42  
May 🌈  
Dan pecks Phil's lips gently, neither of them really having much energy for a proper kiss. He's so happy that Phil is at least expressing a need of his, even one as basic as sleep. Considering Phil literally did not sleep at all last night, Dan's relieved to hear he's willing to sleep now. "Sleep as long as you can, sweetheart," Dan encourages tenderly. He cozies up a bit more to Phil, closes his eyes, and starts slowly rubbing Phil's back in hopes of helping him relax. Dan doesn't think he can sleep very deeply right now, but he'll close his eyes so Phil can feel better about sleeping. Not counting the many, many times Phil's fallen asleep on the sofa in the middle of a film he's been wanting to see, Dan could count the number of times Phil's fallen asleep before Dan on his fingers. Phil just isn't comfortable caring for himself until his loved ones are first cared for. 'Loved ones' usually meaning Dan, who has historically been a fucking disaster of a person. "I'll wake you up before I get up to get ready to leave," Dan assures Phil, knowing how nervous it would make Phil right now to wake up alone.   
08:48  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods. If nothing else, Dan seems to be feeling a little better. Maybe that will be enough to let Phil rest, even if it’s just for an hour. A nap will help, surely. He hasn’t slept in way too many hours and he can’t be any help to Dan when he’s feeling so exhausted and burned out and upset. He’ll take a nap. He has to. But there’s still part of him that worries if Dan will be alright in his own. “Wake me if you need me.” He says softly, as he settles down into the bed, and curls himself up against Dan for his warmth and comfort. “I’m serious. I don’t care if I’m sleeping, wake me. Please?” He murmured. Dan never woke him. When he had nightmares, or when his thoughts kept him up at night, Dan never woke Phil. And Phil so wished he would. He shouldn’t feel like he had to deal with those things on his own. Maybe that was hypocritical of Phil. It was definitely hypocritical. But he couldn’t help it.  
09:04  
May 🌈  
Dan nods in simple agreement the first time, but then Phil keeps pushing the issue, "Phil, I'll wake you up if I need you. I promise. Okay? I promise." He won't need Phil, but if Phil needs that assurance right now, he can have it. Dan whispers, "It's okay. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Relax, baby." Dan kisses Phil's cheek lovingly. Dan keeps his eyes closed as he settles in with Phil. Phil's body is still tense, but Dan gives him time to relax. The problems really only happen when Phil is still tense well into his sleep. Dan predicts Phil is going to wake up with a very bad back. His hand rubs Phil's side a few moments before hooking his arm around Phil in a loose hug, too exhausted to keep up any movement for too long. "I love you with all of my heart, Phil. With everything I have. Thank you," he speaks quietly. If he can't take away Phil's anxiety, he can at least remind Phil that he's loved here in their home. Dan still can't really use Phil's heartbeat as a soothing measure right now, so he listens to Phil's breaths, which are a bit more calm. Dan's own breathing soon regulates, and he relaxes into Phil's arms.  
09:13  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods, trying to calm himself. It doesn’t work. But he tries. And he surprises even himself when he actually manages to drift off. It helps to have Dan nearby, to be wrapped up in each other like this. Because Phil knows that if Dan gets up, it will wake him. But Dan doesn’t get up. Phil’s body is so exhausted that he falls asleep near immediately. But the problem with falling asleep so hard, and so fast, while he’s feeling so on edge, is that it lends itself to dreams. Horrible dreams, really. They’re confusing and nonsensical. They don’t follow any particular storyline. It’s just flashes of moments, of situations, or conversations. Some of his deepest anxieties and fears manifesting themselves in his subconscious mind. And he’s so exhausted, so deeply asleep, that he’s trapped in them, for hours. Phil remembers having a brief thought, earlier, that he might be ramping up to a panic attack. They were so rare for him. But he did get them occasionally. And when he was finally able to open his eyes, he found himself struggling to breathe. He was shaking. His heart was racing. Even faster than before if that was possible. He sat up in a rush, trying desperately to get some air, but he felt like he was drowning.  
09:46  
May 🌈  
Dan relaxes with Phil, but doesn't sleep again. Phil is still tense when he falls asleep, so Dan can't relax. He rests, and Dan is more than grateful to be here with the love of his life, anyway. When Phil's anxiety seems to get worse, Dan gets an itching feeling that something is wrong. "Phil, baby?" Dan tenderly rubs Phil's shoulder to try and wake him from whatever dream he's having. "Sunshine?" Dan can feel Phil's heart pounding erratically against his own chest. Then Phil gets worse, like he can't breathe. Dan has perhaps the scariest thought of his life in this moment: is Phil having a heart attack? "Phil!" Dan firmly speaks, whispers all gone now that something is seriously wrong with Phil. Phil doesn't get nightmares like Dan does. They usually don't wake him up as violently as they do Dan, but this one throws him into what Dan quickly recognizes as a panic attack. "Phil, baby," Dan sputters out in an all-too-obviously terrified tone before he's even thinking of what to do. He sits up with Phil, trying to remember how he helped Phil last time. Just like Dan needs Phil's steady heartbeat to sleep at night, Phil needs Dan's calmness and stability now. Dan does all he can to settle down quickly to be here for Phil. "Love, I'm here," Dan's voice is soft, just loud enough to hear over Phil's hysteria. "Phil, honey, it's alright. Everything's okay. I'm here, you're safe," Dan tries not to crowd Phil to make him feel at all claustrophobic, so he touches Phil's shoulder with one hand, giving Phil the opportunity to reach out when he needs more. Dan sits beside Phil in this, giving him all the time he needs. "I love you. It's okay," Dan speaks gently.  
09:57  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can hear Dan’s voice, and feel his touch, but it’s distant. Phil is disoriented. He’s having trouble differentiating between his dreams and his reality. He can’t breathe. Eventually, the room seems to come into focus. He starts piecing it all together. He’s in bed. He’s at home. Dan is quietly talking, there’s a hand on his shoulder. The room is still, and calm. Not the panicked chaos of his dream. Everything’s clean. It smells like that candle Dan likes. Nobody is screaming, there’s no blood. Why was there blood in his dream? He can’t remember. All these little bits of information slowly come to him as he figures out what’s actually happening. He looks around the room again. His eyes finally meet Dan’s. Dan, who looks so scared. So worried. About Phil, who can’t even have a nap without fucking it up. It’s too much. And that frightened look in Dan’s eyes is what breaks him. Phil doesn’t cry, really. It’s just not how he handles things. But ragged breaths quickly turn to sobs. Tears begin to fall, and he hopes this isn’t real. That it’s part of his nightmare. He’ll wake up soon and everything will be fine. But that’s not the case. He’s been handling too much, too quietly, and the wall finally broke.  
10:20  
May 🌈  
Dan knows right now that he will never forget this look on Phil's face before he starts crying hysterically. Dan's seen Phil at close to his worst when his father was dying of cancer, and this is pretty close to a few of those very bad nights. Dan's body threatens to burst into tears, as well. He's just so suddenly frightened to see this strong, happy, confident, beautiful, lovely man that Dan looks up to in so many ways break down. Dan harshly pushes those feelings down. On every level of his being. Nothing is more important to Dan than Phil, who needs him to be that strong man now. Dan can do that. He takes a deep breath and he's okay. That frightened expression of Dan's fades away, replaced with a soft expression, not quite a smile. He repeats, "It's okay, Philly. I'm right here." He rubs Phil's forearm gently before moving to wrap him up in a hug. "Come here, it's okay. I know you're scared, I'm sorry. It will pass. You're safe, sweetheart. I'm right here. I'll make it better, okay? We'll make it better together." He holds Phil securely in his arms the way Phil does when Dan is a scattered mess. He keeps a gentle hand on the back of Phil's neck to keep him close. If Phil can hold Dan together, Dan can do the same for him. "I love you. I'm here. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." He's sure Phil can handle a hug, he just doesn't experience that 'too much' Dan experiences when he has panic attacks. Phil feels not enough, so Dan needs to remind him he is enough. "I know. I know, Sunshine. You're so strong. It's okay." Dan can feel his heart breaking as he listens to Phil sobbing, he can feel Phil's body wracking with them. Dan just breathes as steadily as he can so when Phil is ready, he has something to follow.   
10:31  
Charlie 🎄  
It takes a while. Phil has a lot of pent up emotion, and it takes far too long to release it all. He hasn’t broken down like this since his dad was sick. At least then he had a good reason. This just feels unjustified. Dan is okay. Things are hard right now, but they’re both safe, and healthy, and happy. They’ve been making plans for the future. They’re going to buy a house. Things are good. Just stressful. So when Phil finally manages to cry himself out, he finds himself embarrassed. What’s he crying for? Because he had a bad dream? He’s sobbing over a nightmare like he’s a frightened child? It’s pathetic, isn’t it? He feels like an idiot. Dan has enough on his plate without having to deal with Phil’s meltdown. He’s supposed to spend time with his grandma tonight. The woman who practically raised him. The one family member he truly loves, who is sick, and who needs him, and now Phil knows that Dan will probably refuse to go. All because Phil can’t handle a bit of stress and a nightmare. “I’m sorry, I... sorry.” He breathes, wiping at his eyes and trying desperately to regain his composure. This is stupid. What, realistically, does he have to be so freaked out about? Dan’s new meds are working. He’s sleeping better, and his moods are more stable. His relationship with his brother is improving. His mum is out of a bad marriage. His grandma is sick, but she’s doing well. Phil’s dad is in remission and getting stronger every day. They’ve come out, and gotten nothing but love and support. Things are good. Why is Phil so upset? Why is he so overwhelmed? It’s embarrassing, and he hates it. “Sorry. Nightmare. Nothing.” Phil says, struggling to match Dan’s even breathing.  
10:47  
May 🌈  
Phil tenses up all over again when he's done crying, so obviously, crying didn't help him purge the bad emotions like it helps Dan. Fuck. When he's finally calm, Dan lowers his voice, "You're okay. It's more than okay, baby." Dan speaks very, very gently, "It's not nothing. I need you to be honest with me if you can, Philly. Please." Dan tries to make it clear that isn't a judgment, "You didn't do anything wrong. Nothing." He keeps Phil close, even when he tries wiping his tears away. Dan helps with delicate fingers. He keeps one arm around Phil to keep him close. The last thing Phil needs right now is to feel alone. "Feel a little better?" He gives Phil a very soft smile, "Just a bit?" Dan gives Phil all the time he needs. "I'm here." He runs his fingers through Phil's hair to help bring him back down to Earth. The little things that so closely resemble normalcy add up. "It isn't your fault," Dan reassures Phil. "You didn't do anything wrong, okay? Phil? I'm sorry this happened to you." The last thing Phil needs right now is to tear himself down. Dan kisses his lightly sweaty forehead lingeringly. He truly adores Phil in every way one person can love another. Once Phil is breathing again, Dan requests in a soft whisper, "I think we should talk about this. I want to help you."   
10:56  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil lets Dan fuss over him. Because fussing is what will help Dan feel better in this situation, and Phil’s mind will never not consider Dan first. So he lets Dan coddle him, until his heart rate has slowed, not to normal, but at least to something that was close enough. His breathing was gradually slowing, and while he continued to lightly tremble, he was at least feeling a little more grounded. He was still remembering flashes of his dreams, trying to make sense of them, but that was of less importance to him than the fact that Dan wanted to talk. How was Phil supposed to talk about this? What was he meant to say? He had no explanation for his behaviour. There was nothing he could say to justify why he’d just woken out of a dead sleep and directly into a panic attack, when he had nothing realistic to panic about. It wasn’t just one event, really. There wasn’t just one thing causing this. It was dozens of things, piled up over months. Things happening now that reminded him of things that had happened ages ago, that reminded him of feelings and worries from years ago. It was a domino effect that not even Phil could make sense of. So how was he supposed to explain all that to Dan? “I’m alright.” He says, his voice low, and shaky. It’s... it was a dream. There’s nothing you can do.” Phil says. It will pass. He’ll collect himself, and he’ll feel better when he does. He doesn’t think there’s anything Dan can do to speed that process.  
11:12  
May 🌈  
Phil does not seem at all open to Dan helping him right now. Dan really doesn't know how to respond to Phil brushing off the huge panic attack he's just now coming out of like it was nothing. Phil doesn't seem to want Dan's help, which hurts. It really hurts, because Dan is always taking Phil's help. He's been taking Phil's help for years now, but Phil isn't even willing to consider opening up to Dan. Dan knows he isn't doing anything wrong, but he sure feels like it now. Those are just insecurities. Maybe Dan knows Phil a bit better than he knows himself right now. Dan knows Phil sure seems to know what Dan needs when Dan is confident nothing can possibly help him. Dan clears his throat and wipes a stray tear from Phil's cheek. His voice is still gentle, "Phil, I'm here for you. I'm your life partner, I love you. We're in this together, whatever that means. I want you to tell me what's going on if you can." Dan cups Phil's cheek affectionately, "I think holding all this in is hurting you. I'll love you no matter what. I can be here with you and love you, and I will, but I can't really help you feel better if you won't let me. You shouldn't have to carry this all on your own. You're not alone."  
11:21  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs, and he finally lays back down, staring up at the ceiling and trying to think of anything that he could possibly say. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Dan, or doesn’t want to talk to him. It’s that he doesn’t know how. How do you explain something to someone else that you don’t even understand? Phil doesn’t know why he feels this way. He doesn’t know why his brain is wired to freak out over every minor thing. He doesn’t know why he always assumes he’s headed towards the worst case scenario. He doesn’t know. So how can he talk about it? But not talking about it is upsetting Dan. It’s making him insecure, and Phil doesn’t want that either. Where is he even meant to begin? “I really don’t know how to do this, Dan.” He says quietly, still staring directly upwards. “What do you want me to say? I... I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know how you can help.” He said. It was so frustrating. Phil had no idea. “Ask me something, if you want. I’ll try. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” He said.  
11:34  
May 🌈  
Dan and Phil are similar in so many ways, but times like this, Dan thinks they are practically night and day. He's lost for words. "It's okay," Dan drops the subject easily enough. Maybe someday, Phil will feel better about this. Maybe that day just isn't today. "I don't think there's anything wrong with you." Dan shakes his head, "You don't have to do anything. I'm sorry." He lies down beside Phil gently, but keeps his head propped up on his elbow. "I don't want to make you to feel like you don't know how to talk to me. I just love you," Dan explains without any sort of bitterness in his tone. He's being completely genuine. Dan doesn't touch Phil right now. Maybe he actually needs space. Dan seems to be doing little more than annoy Phil. "Can I get you anything? Water? Tea? Chocolate?" Dan hopes to at least crack a little smile from Phil at the last one, but his hopes aren't particularly high right now. Things will be better soon. Phil just needs to feel whatever he's feeling right now. It's all okay. They just need time.   
11:40  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil hadn’t meant for Dan to just give up. Dan wanted Phil to talk. Phil didn’t know where to begin. “I’m serious.” He says quietly after a moment. “If there’s something you want to know, then ask. I don’t know where to start unless you ask me something specific.” He reasoned. Dan asking Phil to ‘talk about it’ or ‘tell him what’s going on’ is far too open ended. It’s too vague. Phil doesn’t know what’s going on. He doesn’t know what to talk about. If Dan asks him something more pointed, he might be able to start this conversation. He doesn’t mean to sound annoyed, and he knows that he does. He knows his voice right now sounds irritated, and bitter. But that’s not aimed at Dan. He’s frustrated with himself. For being this way, and for having no idea how to ease all this worry and fear that he feels. The worst thing is knowing how unreasonable it is. Knowing that it’s ridiculous, and strange, and self destructive, and yet watching himself do it anyway. He‘a frustrated. And he’s embarrassed, and he’s confused.  
12:03  
May 🌈  
Dan's quiet a long moment. This isn't about what Dan wants to hear, it's about Phil processing things, opening up to Dan, and feeling better. What is Dan meant to say? Dan and Phil aren't accustomed to this dynamic. It hurts Dan's heart to think of their relationship as lopsided, but in a lot of ways, it is. Perfect egalitarianism is very difficult to achieve where trauma and mental illness are involved. A lot of what comes to Dan's mind at Phil's question will undoubtedly trigger Phil back into a panic attack, so Dan tries to find something light and easy to start with. Well, not easy, but simple. Phil needs simple and stable. "Can you tell me about your nightmare? Don't if it's… if it's too much. You don't have to." The last thing Dan wants is to push Phil past a point of comfort or safety. This is supposed to help Phil, not hurt him. Dan turns over so at least their bodies are touching and Dan is facing Phil, even if Phil isn't looking back. It's enough for now. They're well overdue for pillow talk.   
Charlie 🎄  
Phil knows that Dan’s silence means he doesn’t really want to do this. Not this way. He wants Phil to talk, he doesn’t want to ask questions. But Phil can’t just talk. He can’t just pick a point, and start. He needs a jumping off point. He trusts Dan, he’ll answer any question Dan has. Or, he’ll at very least try to. But Dan doesn’t like asking questions. The one he chooses to ask isn’t a great one, really. Phil’s dream didn’t make any sense while it was happening, and the longer he’s awake the more he’s already forgetting. “It’s already starting to fade.” Phil says honestly. “It wasn’t... I don’t know. It wasn’t anything, really. There was no rhyme or reason to it. It was confusing.” He tried. But this isn’t what Dan wanted. They were different, in this way. Phil was better at picking up on Dan’s subtleties. Figuring out what Dan needed and how to help based on tiny little hints. Dan wasn’t like that. He wanted instruction. He wanted Phil to just tell him what to do. And that just wasn’t really helpful. “I can’t even remember what was so scary about it.” He sighed. This was stupid. He felt stupid.  
12:23  
May 🌈  
"Just a lot of feelings?" Dan asks. They can work with this. He nods lightly in understanding. "Those ones are really overwhelming to me." Dan's trying. Anything to get Phil to feel comfortable enough to open up a bit. "I used to have a lot of those when I was first starting antidepressants. It was, like, flashes of images, but they didn't even matter. It was just a bad feeling that kept getting worse." Dan pauses before adding, "I always used to try to figure out what they meant, as well. That made it worse. They never mean anything." Dan opening up is normal to them. Maybe if Dan opens up, Phil will follow suit. "My therapist said nightmares aren't meant to make sense. It's part of healing, I guess. Your brain is just processing really hard things." Dan gives Phil a chance to speak before adding, "It's easier that way, not trying to analyze it. She said I'll never get anything out of them. Which. Fair." He tries really hard to ignore Phil's attitude. "Do you remember your first nightmare? Of your life? I remember mine."   
12:29  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods along to what Dan’s saying. He supposes there’s some comfort in knowing that he’s not the only person who has useless nightmares. But the conversation moves quickly. Dan’s rambling. He’s nervous. He rambles when he’s nervous. “No, I don’t remember my first nightmare.” Phil says lightly, finally turning on his side to face Dan a little more. “What was yours?” He asks. This isn’t helping. Dan is just getting nervous, and Phil isn’t feeling particularly receptive right now. This isn’t normal for them. Phil spends a lot of time helping Dan. But he’s not used to accepting help in return, and Dan’s not used to giving it. It’s best to stick with what they know, maybe. So, Phil gently reaches out, pulling Dan easily against him, and waiting for Dan to tell him the story of his first nightmare.  
12:42  
May 🌈  
At least Phil is reaching out to Dan now. That can't be a bad start, right? Phil seems to be calming down a little. Dan scoots closer when Phil pulls him close. It feels better this way. Dan calms down significantly when he doesn't feel like he's lying alone, fumbling helplessly through Phil's moods. "It was about my dad, which, like, explains a lot," Dan jokes pathetically. "I still have it sometimes. Same storyline as when I was, like, five. It's nothing, really. Mostly a feeling." He feels Phil's heart, which is much calmer now. "It's just lonely. I think that's the worst thing I've ever felt. Alone." Dan looks over Phil's face with a gentle sigh. He asks, "Do you think that's the worst feeling?" Dan is positive Phil's least pleasant emotion is something related to being out of control, but being out of control is not an emotion. What's behind that? What is Phil actually afraid of? It bothers Dan that he doesn't think he knows the answer to something so simple after ten years.   
12:50  
Charlie 🎄  
“No, I don’t.” Phil says. Feeling alone isn’t the worst. Not for Phil. He can handle being alone. In some cases, he prefers it. The worst feeling for Phil is something much different. “I think the worst is feeling helpless.” He says. It’s been a familiar feeling, lately. Like things are going wrong at every turn, falling apart, and there’s absolutely nothing he can do to fix it. That’s the worst. Because feeling helpless triggers that fear in him, that he isn’t doing enough. That if anything happens it will be his fault. And that’s the worst feeling in the whole world. For Phil it is. Loneliness isn’t that bad by comparison. He and Dan are different. No matter how alike or compatible they are in almost every area of their lives, there are some places where they’re just different. Like this. Phil is coming out the other end of a panic attack, and still, he‘s putting that aside so that Dan can talk about his dreams and what he thinks are the worst feelings. Phil’s not great at accepting help, and sometimes, though he’ll never say it, Dan’s just not very good at giving it. And that’s okay. It’s who they are. They get through things in their own ways.  
13:08  
May 🌈  
Dan is used to feeling helpless. Helpless is all he's ever known. He feels helpless now, because Phil just doesn't seem willing to accept any of Dan's help. Dan knows he isn't doing a great job, but Phil isn't exactly making it easy. Helpless, that's something Dan can work with. How can he help Phil feel in control now? Dan and all of Dan's chaos makes Phil feel out of control. Dan knows this is a bad idea before he even says it, "That's how you feel now? Are you upset because you can't control… me? Like, my… My parents and my mental health?" It isn't accusatory or argumentative. It's soft and innocent, Dan thinks. He doesn't mean to pick and poke and prod at their relationship. He only means to help, but Phil isn't giving him… anything at all, but he's pushing Dan to ask questions, and maybe this whole thing was a mistake. Dan doesn't want to think any part of their relationship and communication is a mistake. "That triggered you? Because I was upset yesterday?"   
13:16  
Charlie 🎄  
This is why Phil finds it hard to accept Dan’s help. Because Dan always finds a way to blame himself for Phil’s shortcomings, which in turn sets off Phil’s anxiety. He’s not trying to control Dan. He doesn’t know how to explain it, but he’s not trying to be controlling, and he wonders if that’s how it feels to Dan. “Everything triggers me.” He says. “Really. Anything can do it. It’s not just you.” He says. He wants to make an attempt to explain this, because no part of him wants Dan thinking that this is his fault. “Dad’s been in remission for over a year. But every time he calls me, instead of being happy, I get scared. Because I think that he’s calling to tell me it’s back, and that he’s dying.” He says. “And with you... you’re doing better now than you have in the entire ten years I’ve known you. But on your bad days, I still worry that you’re spiralling, that I’m missing something. It’s not that I’m trying to control you. And I hope you don’t think that. It’s just that I always assume the worst. And that’s on me. Not on you, or anybody else.” He says.  
11 December 2019  
02:14  
Charlie 🎄  
Hey! It’s been a few days, I just wanted to check in and make sure everything’s alright! 😊  
08:32  
May 🌈  
[Hi sorry it's dead week I should have said something!! I'll reply asap]  
08:33  
Charlie 🎄  
((No, no problem! I just wanted to check in! I figured you were just busy!))  
22:04  
May 🌈  
"It's not everything," Dan argues gently. That just isn't accurate. "Just when it has to do with losing people you love. That isn't everything." Dan rests his palm on Phil's shoulder and rubs tenderly, trying to convince Phil to trust him with this. "I'm not saying it's anybody's fault. I just want to help. You don't deserve to go through this alone, sweetheart." Dan is quiet a few long moments before asking, "Does… it's to do with…" Dan can't bring himself to say his name, not here, not now. His voice is just a whisper now, "Um. Your boyfriend. That you lost." Dan doesn't think he's ever brought him up before. He and Phil have certainly never spoken of him before. "I don't mean to… I know I've really put you through a lot with my depression, but since meeting you, I have genuinely never, ever even considered… Never. I mean that. You don't even know all you've done for me, Phil. I just don't think I did that. Made you really, actually afraid to lose me. I think maybe that anxiety is… it's about someone else." Ouch. It hurts like a bitch to say aloud. Dan struggles to keep eye contact with Phil, but he does now.  
22:15  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil looks away. It’s been a long time since he’s spoken about that. It feels wrong, inappropriate, to talk about it with Dan. Even now, Phil knows it’s a topic that makes Dan uncomfortable. “It sure didn’t help.” He says simply. He won’t go into it too much. He just doesn’t want to think about that. He sometimes goes weeks, months, without thinking of him, or what happened. He doesn’t want to think about it now. “It was different, with him.” Phil says, because he knows Dan needs the reassurance that Phil’s dead ex isn’t interfering with their relationship. “We were young. He was struggling, but he was so good at hiding it. Or I was just... blind. I didn’t see how much he was hurting. I didn’t know until he was dead.” Phil said. “And I should have known. So... I guess I pay closer attention now.” He said. He hoped that’s all he had to say. He hoped that was enough of a justification for Dan. “I love you, Dan. You. Nobody else.” He added. Phil had loved that man. He’d been madly in love. He was the one, Phil thought. But he wasn’t. He chose a different path. He would always have a place in Phil’s heart, but Phil didn’t love him now. He couldn’t.  
22:33  
May 🌈  
Dan knows that Phil's words aren't entirely true. It breaks his heart, not because he's particularly jealous in this moment, but because Phil has been hurting all along and this is the first he's been able to talk about it. Dan presses a kiss to Phil's forehead, his voice steady, "It wasn't your fault." If Phil gets nothing more from this, Dan needs him to understand: "None of it. I know you, Phil. You couldn't have known. Nobody could have." The night of Dan's suicide attempt, he said 'goodnight' to his family, like always, and went to bed. That would have been that. He hadn't spoken with his grandmother in weeks. Dan would have left his family the way that boy left Phil. They could have been better, yes, but they couldn't have known, really. They didn't understand. "You didn't do anything wrong. Even if you knew… I know you don't want to hear it, but there's nothing you could have done. You are not a doctor. You were a kid. It wasn't your fault. You were a victim, too." Dan touches Phil's neck very softly, "I love you with all of my heart. You changed everything about my life. You saved my life. Not your hypervigilance. Not your anxiety. You did." Dan adds softly, "You can love him. I just…" Dan sighs tiredly, "More than anything in the world, I want you to feel free from this. Someday. If that means you love him or… I don't know, baby. Whatever you need. You don't have to make him go away."   
22:42  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil doesn’t know how to respond to that. So for a long while, he just doesn’t. He sighs, he turns over to rest his head comfortably against Dan’s chest. He hold him close and just takes a few minutes of quiet. What’s he meant to say? This is a conversation Phil is pretty entirely uncomfortable with. This whole situation makes him uncomfortable, really. Opening up, being vulnerable, being weak. He’s not used to it. It’s not easy for him like it is for Dan. But it wasn’t always easy for Dan either, Phil recognizes. It took a lot of time, a lot of work, and a lot of encouragement for Phil to get through the carefully constructed wall Dan had built around his heart. It was only now that Phil realized perhaps every brick he’d knocked away from Dan, he’d simply added to his own wall. After a few long, quiet minutes, Phil speaks again. “I love you.” He says simply. That’s something he knows to be true. It’s the one thing that has remained constant, that has never changed in ten years. “Thank you for this.” He adds. Phil spends so much of his time and energy taking care of the people he loves. He needs to accept help from them once in a while too. Even if it’s one of the most difficult things for him to do.  
22:57  
May 🌈  
Dan holds Phil securely in his arms, just glad Phil isn't running away or shouting at Dan, maybe. Not that he would ever do those things, because Phil is the most beautiful person Dan's ever known. It isn't exactly easy for Dan to keep his heart rate stable. Dan is, in many ways, just a bad person. He feels so, so strongly for Phil, he's really overwhelmed at even the mention of someone else ever being in the picture. This conversation isn't easy for him. Identifying in any part with the person who hurt Phil more than anyone else, ever, isn't easy, but Phil needs it. Phil needs Dan to be calm and mature. Dan can do that. He just might need to cry a while later on. They can talk about that someday, but not today. Today is about Phil. "Thank you, my love," Dan responds tenderly. "I'm so proud of you." Not much more has to be said. Dan rubs Phil's back in rhythmic, steady circles. It's something Phil can count on, at least for now. Dan thinks tonight is a very bad night to leave Phil home alone. He suggests after a long while of rest, "Let's go get something to eat, okay? We can go to that cute café you really like." Dan doubts either of them will be getting any sleep anytime soon. They can plan out the rest of the night from there. There's no use in rushing anxiety-provoking plans when Phil and Dan are still so sensitive. The best thing Dan can do for Phil right now is get him fed and distracted and, if he's really lucky, smiling again.   
23:07  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil knows how deeply Dan hates this conversation. He can hear it in the irregular thumping of his heart. He’s seen it in Dan’s eyes on the very, very rare occasion that Phil’s previous lover came up in conversation. Dan hates it. Hates him, perhaps. Phil sort of hates him too, for what he did. Hate is a strong word, but Phil resents him, surely. For not reaching out. For not letting Phil in. For swallowing every pill in his dorm room instead of going home to his family at Christmas, or coming with Phil to his, like he’d asked. For leaving that wretched, accusatory note that maybe Phil was never meant to see, but did. Because his family was too torn up to clean out his room and that burden fell on Phil’s shoulders. Phil had always had a fear of death. But not until that Christmas did he actually realize how deep that fear could go. “Can we order in?” Phil asks quietly at Dan’s suggestion. He’s not in the right mindset to be out in public right now. He doubts he’s in the right mindset to accompany Dan to the hospital tonight either, but he’s not willing to compromise on that if Dan needs him. If Dan needs him, he will go. He will suck it up. That’s no question to him.  
23:56  
May 🌈  
Phil's mind is wandering again. Dan wishes he could make that stop, he wishes he could give Phil some peace. Dan nods, of course they can order in, Phil can have whatever he wants. "Come with me to get my phone? We can have some water." Dan wipes away a stray tear from Phil's cheek. He must be feeling dehydrated, among other things. It might help him to move around a bit, too, maybe open a window for some fresh air. If Dan can alleviate even one simple part of Phil's suffering, he'd do anything to do so. Adrian can spend the night with their grandparents. Dan will make it up to him, and to his grandmother. For now, Dan kisses Phil's temple, gives him a light smile, and helps him climb out of bed. Dan keeps a hand on Phil's waist or hand as they head down together. Dan gets two glasses of water first, then picks up his phone. Everyone's responded by now. Best wishes, miss you's, and I love you's filling Dan's inbox. For now, he takes a big gulp of water before calling Adrian. He might excuse himself, but it's nothing he wants to keep from Phil. "Adrian? Hey. Sorry, um… Where are you now? At your flat, or…? Do you mind spending the night with Grandma for me? I can be there tomorrow morning, I just really can't make it tonight. Mum and Grandpa need to go home and sleep." Dan occupies himself by opening the kitchen window with one hand, "Yeah. I just can't. Something's come up. Everything's fine. I just can't make the trip right now." It's a bit of back and forth before Dan finally says, "Thanks, Adrian. Actually. You're the best. I'll see you tomorrow morning, yeah? I promise to be there tomorrow. First thing. Hey, Ade? I love you." It's quiet on both ends a few long moments before the call peacefully ends. Dan leans against the counter and puts in an order for takeaway, "Pizza, you reckon, love?"  
12 December 2019  
00:06  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sips at his water, though he feels a bit sick listening to Dan on the phone. He’s not really going to cancel, is he? He can’t. His grandmother is sick. Dan doesn’t see her enough as it is and now he’s throwing away an opportunity to spend time with her all because Phil had a nightmare. Phil can’t be okay with that. Dan should see his grandma. Because even if she cane through this just fine, healthy, and unaffected, she was still an 80 year old woman. Dan’s time with her was still limited, even if now wasn’t the time. Phil would not take away one of Dan’s visits with her. And when Dan finally got off the phone, Phil shook his head. “Please go.” He said softly. “Don’t cancel this. Please.” He whispered. Phil was having a bit of a day, but it was not going to make him feel any better at all to know that Dan was staying home when he should be with his nan. She was expecting him tonight. Probably looking so forward to it. When was the last time Dan saw her? It was all too long ago. And Dan hadn’t given any particular reason why he couldn’t make it. Just that something came up. They’d think he was avoiding them. This would make Dan look bad. Phil couldn’t handle being the reason for that. “Can you please call him back?” Phil whispers again.  
00:20  
May 🌈  
Dan sets his phone down to rub Phil's arm soothingly, "Hey, it's okay." He gives Phil a firm nod, "It's okay. I know what I'm doing." He doesn't think he needs to draw it out for Phil, but Phil is exhausted beyond comprehension. "I don't want to risk her being alone. It's better Adrian goes now than I wait until the last minute and bail. I just can't be apart from you right now. I won't be any good to anyone but you tonight." He sighs, "I'm just not you, Phil. I only have so much. That's okay. I'll spend the next week with her if she likes. I just need to be here with you now. You're… You come first. That's all there is." Dan shrugs, but certainly not nonchalantly. He knows the weight of his actions, but he also knows his grandmother won't be upset with him for this. She'll be asleep all night, probably most of tomorrow, as well. She's exhausted in every way a person can be. She's more than safe in the hospital. "Everything will be okay. Mum said she's doing just fine. She has an evaluation tomorrow so she can get her release papers sometime this week." It sucks, yeah, but if it's a choice between Phil and literally anyone else, Dan will always choose Phil. This isn't nearly so dramatic, but if it were, Dan would still choose Phil.   
00:29  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil isn’t okay with it. He’s just not. He doesn’t think Dan can say anything at all to change that. Phil will never be okay with Dan neglecting the other people in his life who need him in order to benefit him. He can’t be okay with that. “At least think about it.” He says. Even if Dan gets to the hospital late, being there late is better than not going at all. “Please think about it.” He whispers. He can’t change Dan’s mind once it’s made. He knows that. Dan is stubborn. But Phil still has to make his case. “Your family is important, Dan. Your grandma. I want you to be there for her. If you want to make me feel better, that’s how you can do it.” He reasons. “I’ll come if you want me to. You know I will. You don’t have to leave me alone.” He says. He won’t change Dan’s mind. Just like Dan won’t change his. They’re at an impasse and Phil knows it.


	3. Chapter 3

May 🌈  
"Phil. I'm not gonna do that to either of us," Dan shakes his head. He knows he's being stubborn, but he feels certain about this. "I'm not going to risk another incident like I had on the tube. Not right now. I just really need to be here with you. It doesn't make me feel better to give away so much of myself, I'm just empty. I can't. It isn't your fault, it isn't anyone's fault." Dan doesn't think there's anything he can say to change Phil's mind. Maybe Dan is making the wrong choice, but it isn't at all the wrong choice for him. "Please, just let me have this choice, okay? Let me order us pizza, and we can talk or put on a film or something, and when I'm ready…" Can Dan drag Phil to the hospital west of London in the middle of the night or the crack of dawn, regardless of how badly he wants Phil near him? It's a shitty situation. "I'm sorry I can't make you feel better that way. It's just how I feel. We need some time. They're my family, but not the way you are. I need some time, Phil. I can't deal with the chaos right now."  
08:35  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil purses his lips. When Dan puts it like that, when he frames it as something he’s doing for himself, and not for Phil, it softens something in Phil’s mind. And Phil has a feeling that Dan knows exactly what he’s doing by phrasing it the way he does. “At least call her. Don’t let Adrian give her some vague, confusing story. Tell her why you’re not there so she doesn’t get the wrong idea. Please?” Phil knows that he won’t convince Dan to visit with her tonight. Even though he still strongly feels that Dan should. But if Dan is feeling worn out, if he needs some time, Phil can’t argue with that. All he can ask is that he call her, and tell her the truth. It’s embarrassing for Phil, of course. He doubts the woman likes him much to begin with, and hearing that he scared Dan into staying home by having a breakdown definitely isn’t going to help his case. But at least it makes Dan look better. It doesn’t leave anyone with the impression that Dan is being flaky or avoiding things. His relationship with his family is tumultuous enough without Phil making it worse. “And if you change your mind, or if anything comes up, we go. Okay? Can we compromise?” He asks. Things seem to be going well. But if her condition changes, Dan’s going to want to be there and Phil doesn’t want to hold him back.  
14 December 2019  
00:19  
May 🌈  
Dan tries very hard not to scoff when Phil suggests being honest. He groans a little, obviously unhappy with the compromise. "Phil, come on, I'm not going to tell her about… literally any of this, I'm not going to put that on her. She'll just get stressed out. She doesn't need that right now." He sighs when Phil pushes, "Okay, okay, I'll tell her we both came down with something. Which, you know. Fair." They are both feeling ill, it's just psychological. Dan doesn't have to get into it with her right now. She's going to know something is up because Dan is calling, it isn't very much like him. He usually just disappears. Maybe not so much with his grandma, but he'll be the first to admit he does have a bit of a reputation. "I'll make it up to her tomorrow. I'll bring flowers or sneak in some chocolate or something." Dan remembers seeing photos of Phil with his grandparents just a few days ago. Yesterday? Dan can't quite remember. Phil will never get the chance to know his grandmother as an adult the way Dan does. He knows Phil will see this as a wasted opportunity, but Dan just doesn't see it that way. Dan doesn't think the situation is at all the same.   
00:29  
Charlie 🎄  
It’s a losing battle, and Phil knows it. There’s no sense pushing it further. “Alright. Just... she should hear it from you. So she doesn’t expect you and then get Adrian and not know why.” He reasoned. That’s all. She deserved that much, surely. A heads up, if nothing more. “I’m gonna go put something on the tv.” He says then, turning to pad quietly into the other room. Tonight is a bit of a write off, he thinks. He normally snaps back fairly quickly, tucks his own negativity away in favour of focusing on the positive. There’s just none left in him tonight. He sits on the couch, and he turns on the tv, but he finds himself staring into the empty fishtank instead. They can go get him soon, Phil reminds himself. The tank has been full and running for some time. It’s weird that it’s just empty. But they can get their little fish soon. Maybe that will help. Maybe having a fish, a real pet, will give Phil something to channel his anxiety into. Better to focus too hard on keeping a fish alive than to constantly worry about who in his life will die next. Maybe it will help. Or maybe this situation will change Dan’s mind about wanting a pet. Or a house, or a marriage, or kids. Maybe Phil’s not cut out for any of that. In moments like these he can’t imagine being a parent. A kid doesn’t deserve this. And surely Phil would just ruin them by being so anxious and overbearing and overprotective. As much as he loved that ideal future he had in mind, perhaps he wasn’t meant for it.  
00:48  
May 🌈  
Dan calls, but of course, she doesn't answer her phone. She's sleeping already, as Karen tells Dan, like Dan really needs to be dealing with her right now. "Just let her know I love her and I'll be there as soon as I can tomorrow. Hopefully, before she wakes up." Karen's moody, per usual, but Dan pays her no mind. The phone call is brief. Dan quickly orders pizza before returning to sit with Phil. "Thank you for looking out for me. She's asleep, I told my mum to pass it on." He holds Phil's hand tenderly in his own and leans into his side, taking a quick look at the tank. It's distraction time, definitely. Dan picks up the remote to put something calm on. He repeats gently, "Really. Thank you. I'm sorry. I should listen to you more, I don't know why I don't." Dan did this. It wasn't his intention, but he literally completely ruined their trip and sent Phil into a meltdown that may or may not have already been on its way. Dan fixes some of Phil's disheveled hair absentmindedly. They commonly pick at each other like chimpanzees, it feels more normal to Dan than anything else that's happened today.   
00:58  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighed, leaning into Dan’s shoulder. He’d be fine. He always was. Things were just piling up right now, but it would get better. He could deal with the anxiety. It was really the lack of sleep that made everything feel so much worse. “I need to sleep tonight.” He sighed. He always lost sleep when he was stressed. He couldn’t fall asleep when his mind was racing, and when he did, the anxiety just carried over into his dreams and he still woke up tired. “I’ll feel better if I sleep. This will all be better.” He added. He just hoped that was possible. He knew that he could probably see his doctor, and come away with a prescription easy enough. But he hated the thoughts of taking pills to sleep. It was a basic human function he should well be able to manage without the use of drugs. He didn’t want that. He saw the way Dan’s mess knocked him out. To the point Phil couldn’t wake him. Dan’s pills did far more than that of course, and the benefits seemed to outweigh the negatives. But Phil didn’t want both of them to be knocked out like that. No, he didn’t need medication. He needed to just sleep. Just ignore his constantly rotating thoughts and convince them to tuck away for just a few calm hours.  
19:29  
May 🌈  
Dan wraps an arm around Phil's shoulders to bring him in near. He's always cold, but especially now that he's so tired. Dan pulls a throw off the back of the couch to wrap around them. He wonders how long it will take Phil to feel warm again. "How about you have some of my Nyquil, baby? Maybe it will help. Or that allergy medicine I accidentally bought for you? Without checking if it's non-drowsy?" He rubs Phil's shoulder soothingly, his voice low, "It might help. I know you don't like medicine, but…" Dan doesn't want to push it. The important thing is that Phil feels comfortable, calm, and safe. Dan thinks on that a bit more and suggests, "Maybe it will feel better to sleep on the sofa? I'll stay awake until tonight. We've got plenty of time until I have to take my meds." It isn't ideal to sleep in the middle of the day rather than at night, but at this point, there isn't a lot Dan wouldn't do to help Phil sleep, so sitting on the couch watching television and eating pizza for an afternoon while Phil sleeps in his lap isn't exactly the worst Dan could do.   
19:35  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil shakes his head. “If I sleep now it’ll just throw me off.” He reasons. Better to sleep at a regular time and avoid completely trashing his sleep schedule. Plus, he doesn’t particularly want to knock out and leave Dan to his own devices all day. Not when Dan is already so stressed and has so much going on. “I don’t know. I don’t think I need medicine. If I can just... chill out.” He sighs. That’s the issue. When he goes to bed with unresolved worries, that’s what keeps him up. He’s always been a very ‘never go to bed angry’ type of person, but that translates through his anxiety as well. If he could get himself feeling calm and relaxed before bed, he might actually be able to sleep. The problem was that he hadn’t really felt relaxed in days. So maybe that’s all he could do today. Lay around, and try to resolve all this nonsense in his head. He knew Dan would want to help. Phil didn’t know if he could. But it didn’t seem like they’d be doing much else with their afternoon.  
19:48  
May 🌈  
"How can we chill you out? Anything." Dan best chills out when he's distracted, especially with chocolate and sex, but Phil is just more complex than that. And honestly, he hasn't done the work Dan has to realize those things about himself. Phil doesn't know what he needs, so maybe they can figure that part out together, and the rest will fall into place. Dan can be optimistic for both of them. Dan knows Phil won't make any part of this easy. That's okay. Dan musters up all the patience he can before trying again, "Can I rub your back?" Sometimes, all Dan needs to get out of his head is to be touched by Phil, to feel loved. Dan knows it's very different. "Or… do you want to talk about it some more? Whatever you need, honey, I'm here for you. You know that." Dan thinks that one is actually less likely than the massage. "Maybe it would help to call your mum?" Surely, her motherly bond with Phil is stronger than anything Dan can do for him right now. Dan puts that thought out of his head. This isn't about Dan, it's about making Phil feel better.  
19:56  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil doesn’t know. It’s strange, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t have any sort of... plan, for this kind of thing. It usually just passes on its own, when the source of his stress is resolved. Lately, there’s been a lot of sources. Dan’s meds are working, so he can knock that off the list. He’s seen his dad, he’s healthy, so that’s off. Dan’s family situation is still stressing him out, but realistically there’s nothing he can do about that. So he doesn’t entirely know what to do. He doesn’t exactly want to call his mum either. Worrying her won’t make him feel better. She’s worried enough as it is, since they had to cut their visit so short. “Can we just...” Phil starts, though he’s not sure where he’s going with it. “Are you feeling okay?” He asks. He knows Dan is going to take that the wrong way. He’s going to feel like Phil is brushing himself off. It’s going to frustrate him. So Phil adds, “I mean, you’ve had it rough lately, Bear. Do you have the space for this right now?” He asks, giving Dan’s hand a gentle squeeze. If Dan didn’t feel he could handle this right now, then Phil wasn’t going to place that burden on him. He’d call and worry his mum before he made Dan take on more than he could handle.  
20:09  
May 🌈  
Dan isn't sure Phil's ever offered Dan a trigger warning on his conversation before. Dan doesn't think he's ever needed to. It makes Dan feel a bit… honestly, scared. Dan isn't afraid of Phil, he's afraid of the unknown. Is Phil actually going to talk more about his college boyfriend? Or maybe Dan? Or some other trauma Dan is going to wish he knew ten years ago? Dan really thinks about Phil's question deeply, this isn't the kind of thing Dan ever wants to lie to Phil about. He just can't lie to Phil about his mental health. Dan starts with the obvious. He's just a bit jittery from all the crying they've both done. He's worried for his grandma. He's worried for Adrian and his grandfather. He's unrealistically worried his father will show up at the least opportune moment. He feels guilty about leaving Phil's family home like that. But, that's all a bit past now. So, now, how does Dan feel? Dan finally speaks quietly, "I'm okay." He nods confidently, "I feel… really, really proud of you for opening up with me. I'm so fucking lucky to have you in my life. You're just this… incredibly beautiful person, and I adore you. I feel a lot of that right now." Dan takes a deep breath to steady himself, though he's obviously calm, "I always feel best at home with you. Always. I'm okay. I'm good. I want to be here for you. I promise I'll tell you if I feel differently." Things won't change. Phil is the same person he has been all these years, no secret truth can ever change that.  
20:18  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods. It’s not that he has any particular conversation in mind. He just needs to know that Dan is okay, first and foremost. That’s always his priority. He’d never pile his own issues onto Dan without first making sure he felt ready. “I love you so much.” He said after a long moment. “I’m sorry I don’t open up to you as much as I probably should. I don’t want you to feel... like I don’t trust you, or that I don’t want to talk. Because that’s not the case.” He said lightly, leaning closer against Dan’s side. “I just... I don’t know. I love you. And I trust you. I just wouldn’t ever want to put more on you than you can take.” He reasoned. Dan’s struggle with his mental health had always been more obvious. More front and center. Dan had never really been the type to suffer in silence. Not since Phil met him, anyway. He talked about things, it was obvious when he wasn’t himself. Or maybe that was just Phil’s hyper-vigilance. Regardless, Phil was just different. He kept more to himself. Dealt with things more quietly, and privately. And maybe sometimes that hurt more than it helped. “I want to be more open with you.” He said quietly. “Sometimes I just don’t know where to start.” He said. Phil did better with this kind of thing when he was prompted.  
20:34  
May 🌈  
Dan kisses Phil's cheek with a whispered, "Love you," but otherwise lets Phil talk all he wants. Dan listens intently, every word meaning so very much to him. Phil is deeply precious to Dan. Moments like these when Phil is allowing himself to be vulnerable in this way are rare. Dan asks gently, "Do you think… you don't tell me things because you don't feel comfortable saying them or because you don't think I'll feel comfortable hearing them? Or both?" Dan gives Phil lots of time to chew on questions like these. It isn't easy to say the hard truth for the first time. "Do you want to open up because you want to, or because you think that's what I want?" Dan pauses, "You know… I'm always gonna love you. I always have loved you. You don't have to be anything in particular. I love you. I'm here." He isn't going anywhere. He won't disappear because Phil tells him too much. Dan doesn't think there's a such thing as too much here. Dan and Phil are soulmates, they're supposed to tell each other anything and everything.   
20:42  
Charlie 🎄  
“Both, I guess.” He says. Talking feels better now. Better here, wrapped in a blanket on the sofa. It was different a little while ago, when he was laying in bed, immediately post-meltdown, feeling interrogated and overly defensive. It felt easier now. “I guess I just... I don’t like to worry you.” He said quietly. “I don’t like to bring the mood down. You’re my priority.” He says. Dan was so deeply unhappy for so long. And he still had those days, of course. But they were much rarer now. It seemed like now, at the age of 28 years old, Dan was just beginning to live his life happily. Phil couldn’t justify interrupting that. And even before, when Dan was less happy, Phil never wanted to make him even more unhappy by sharing his own struggles. He cared so much about maintaining Dan’s happiness that he often kept things like this to himself. And that was fine, when it was something minor. Like worrying about whether or not he shut his straighteners off or if he had enough eggs to make breakfast. those anxieties were easily managed without help. It was the bigger ones that built up under the surface until they completely boiled over.  
20:57  
May 🌈  
"You're my priority, do you know that?" Dan knows they both know the story there. Dan will never stop regretting the way he treated Phil - and himself, and their relationship - in the beginning. Dan has worked so hard to change things, but Phil has been on his own with a lot of this for a long time. "Do you think I'm okay now? That I'm well enough to take care of you? Do you feel like I'm good to you now?" Dan and Phil's relationship was forever changed that night Phil found out what Dan was actually doing when they were supposed to be making love. Phil was forever changed that night. Dan made him feel like the bad guy. He wasn't, never. Dan just couldn't shake the image of the last man who touched him where Phil touched him. "Okay, but like, just listen for a second. I'm going to say something and I might cry, but it isn't because I'm upset and I can't handle this. I always cry when I talk about this. Or think about it. Just. I'm fine." Dan takes a deep breath, his eyes already watering, but he isn't sobbing. It's a gentle and familiar cry, "I just. When we were young and I… that time I worked myself up so much when we were in bed together, I started crying, and we talked… I've dealt with that with Kira, in therapy. I'm okay. I just feel like, I know I'm dragging this big thing up right now, but I feel like I made you really afraid that you're doing the wrong thing. What I'm saying is that I'm not a stupid kid anymore and I don't want things to be one-sided. I'm sorry I made them that way. I didn't want that. None of that was your fault. I'm sorry I hurt you."  
21:10  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil lets his arms wrap around Dan’s waist, and in an instant, things change. Dan’s voice is weak, he’s struggling through his words, and it’s not about Phil anymore. It’s about Dan. Phil pulls him in close, leans back against the arm of the sofa so that Dan can lean into his chest. “I understand, Bear. I do.” Phil whispers, carefully rubbing Dan’s back. “It did scare me. It did. A lot. For a long time.” He said softly. “Even now, when I touch you... I worry. I watch you. I ask, because I have to. Not because I don’t trust you to tell me, but because it’s my responsibility.” He reasoned. “I never asked you when we were young. I never asked what you were okay with. I didn’t check in. I just... I guess I thought that because you were participating, that meant that you wanted to. And I was so wrong, and I hurt you so badly because of it, and when I found out what I was doing to you it almost fucking killed me.” He breathed. “We’ve come a long way since then, haven’t we?” He smiled softly, rubbing gentle circles against Dan’s back. “I always ask you. I check in. Because it’s the right thing to do. I should have done it from the beginning, and I didn’t. But I do now. But it’s different now, because I believe you when you say yes. When you tell me you want something. When you give me your consent, I believe that you mean it. I didn’t believe you, for a while.” He explained. “We were both young. And stupid. And inexperienced. I’d been with one man before you and I’m sure I made all the same intakes with him because he was young and stupid too. But we’ve grown, baby. Together. I didn’t get to grow with him, but I have with you. We’re different now.” Phil breathed. He didn’t want Dan beating himself up. Their relationship hadn’t always been easy. Not at all. It still wasn’t easy. But loving each other was a choice they made every single day. And they were so much better for that.  
21:31  
May 🌈  
Dan lets Phil baby him, it makes them both feel better. It's hard to hear Phil's words, but Dan wants to listen to Phil. But… Dan still doesn't think Phil understands. "What?" Dan shakes his head, looking at Phil with confusion, "What are you on about? That isn't true. At all." He wipes his eyes, wondering how Phil ever got it in his head that was his fault. "You did ask me. You didn't just…" Dan shakes his head, "No. You did everything right. From the beginning. You asked what I liked. You didn't know it wasn't about what I liked to me." Phil doesn't understand. Dan takes a few moments to calm down and figure out his words before speaking carefully, "If I were normal, you were doing everything right. I didn't tell you the truth about what happened to me. That was on me. If I didn't have sexual trauma, you would have been doing everything right. As soon as you found out, you stopped everything until you figured out how you do things right for me. You were perfect, you didn't make any mistakes. You didn't hurt me. You didn't. What I'm saying is that someone hurt me, and I let him hurt us." Dan rests his hand on Phil's chest to feel his heartbeat. It keeps Dan grounded. "When… James hurt me, it wasn't because he didn't ask for consent. It wasn't because he assumed I wanted it. He didn't care what I wanted. Ever. He wasn't young or stupid or unexperienced, he wanted to hurt me. You did not hurt me. You were so sweet, Phil." Dan smiles sadly, "You have no idea. The problem was not that you hurt me. The problem is that I wanted you to. And I put that on you, and he put that on me, and I'm sorry. You didn't hurt me and I really, really can't believe that you hurt your boyfriend before me. You're just not like that. At all. You don't have it in you. That's why I trust you with my life and I love you."   
21:40  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil listens. He lets Dan ramble and he tries to understand. But he doesn’t, really. He doesn’t know what Dan means when he says he wanted Phil to hurt him. It didn’t make sense. He didn’t get it. And maybe he never would. This wasn’t something they frequently talked about. Their previous partners were a topic they really never breached. Because it just... didn’t matter. Who they dated or who they slept with in the years prior to meeting each other didn’t seem important. But maybe it was. Obviously it was, because Dan had sex forced upon him and Phil had a boyfriend up and die, and those things weren’t easy to handle. Those things definitely affected their relationship. Ten years ago, and still, right now. So maybe those things did matter. “You’ve never said his name.” Phil notes gently. Dan had mentioned, very briefly, and with very little detail, the man he gave his time to prior to Phil. It was the first Phil was actually hearing his name. “Is he... don’t answer this is it’s too much, but... where is he? Is he from your hometown? Have you seen him, since... since then?” He asks gently. That couldn’t be easy. Phil’s last relationship may have ended traumatically, but at least he didn’t have to see the man around.  
22:06  
May 🌈  
"He-" Dan has to stop. He needs a few minutes to breathe. He rests his head against Phil's chest and waits as patiently as he can for his emotions to pass. It's easier to talk about him past-tense, but presently? Dan finally replies, "Last I heard, he still lived back home. He's a police officer." He explains, "The last time I went home for Christmas, like, 2010 or something, I ran into him or he was following me or whatever. I froze up and went right back on the tube and spent the rest of the holiday alone in my dorm. Just another excuse not to go back. That's all. It doesn't matter. He doesn't matter." It's out now. Dan can breathe. He feels relieved, he'll never have to say that again. Phil won't make Dan repeat any of this. "You and I are different now. I let him affect us then, but I don't want him to matter anymore. However we continue to grow together, his impact is not welcome. So, the ways that he affected me and I affected you… I want to work through that. You can talk to me. I'm strong now and I'm here for you." Dan nods assuredly, "It bothers me that one of the reasons you don't talk to me is because of his influence here. I know it won't all happen right away. That's just how I feel about it. You can talk to me about anything. I'm okay." Dan isn't exactly persuasive right now, and he recognizes the irony, but he means his words.  
22:16  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods. He won’t push the topic any further. Dan doesn’t want to talk about his past relationships any more than Phil does. And that’s okay. “I’m sorry, Dan.” He says gently. “I love you so much. I would do anything to make sure you’re happy, and healthy, and I guess part of me feels that opening up to you about certain things will only do the opposite.” He said. But he believed what Dan was saying. He believed that Dan felt well enough, and strong enough, to hear Phil’s stresses. He believed that Dan could handle it, and if he couldn’t, he would say so. “We get in our own way, don’t we?” He chuckled dryly. You’re my top priority, and I’m yours, and that means we just never talk about anything.” He shook his head. They both did it. Phil more than Dan, perhaps, but they did. Hiding parts of themselves in order to protect the other. Maybe they needed to stop protecting each other from... each other. They both struggled differently. With different things, and for different reasons. Perhaps they needed to lean on each other more. They needed to be more comfortable reaching out to each other for help, and being more vocal when they felt they didn’t have the space to handle the others mess.  
23:23  
May 🌈  
Dan kisses Phil's cold cheek lingeringly. "I think not talking about it is not working. Let's try the other thing, yeah? Talking. Even when it's not easy. Maybe especially when it's not easy." He wipes some lingering tears away, "I feel a lot about most things most of the time. Especially about you. I can't be a therapist to you, and you can't be that to me, but I will do everything I can to make you healthy and happy. I think I can't help you very well if I don't know how you feel or what you're going through or what you need. We're here together. Let's be here for each other." He pecks Phil's lips, then kisses him a bit longer, something deep in his heart feels more alive with Phil's soft kiss. "I know that isn't what you wanted to talk about," Dan smiles lightly as he looks into Phil's beautiful, deep, lovely eyes, "I just want you to know that you're not bad for talking to me about heavy things. You won't hurt me. I might need to have my moment sometimes, and I'm sorry, but that doesn't mean I'm not okay. I'm good." Dan promises, "I have space for you. I'll always make space for you."   
23:31  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil shakes his head a little at that last part. “I don’t think that helps either.” He says. “It’s... you don’t have to make space for me. If you’re dealing with a lot and you don’t have the energy to also deal with whatever I’m dealing with, that’s okay.” He said softly. “I... I take on more than I can deal with.” He said. “That’s a huge flaw of mine. I know that. And I guess... I don’t know. I’m working on that. And I don’t want you to do the same thing.” He reasons. “Sometimes I feel like your happiness is my responsibility.” He admits quietly. “Like I’m the one that has to make you happy and keep you that way. But I’m not. That’s not... it’s not my job. Which sounds bad, but what I mean is that... you should be happy without me. All on your own. You should just be happy, without my influence.” He said. He wasn’t sure he was even making sense, but this is what they were doing right now. Rambling. Being honest. “And I should be happy without you. We’re responsible for our own wellbeing, you know? We have each other to turn to for love and support when we need it, but neither of us should feel obligated to... fix each other.” He said. “Am I making sense?”  
23:43  
May 🌈  
This is quite literally the exact reason Dan very rarely discusses Phil in therapy. The big C word: codependency. Phil is absolutely right, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Dan nods upon prompting, but he's a bit speechless. Dan doesn't believe he can be happy without Phil in his life. Yeah, he can survive a few horrible days without him on occasion, but long-term, Dan can't pretend to be okay with that. Phil wants space. From Dan. Because Phil is looking for some kind of support that he's never really asked for before, so Dan doesn't know how to give something he doesn't have, so all he's doing is offering his own experiences, which are shitty, and he's fucking up by putting all that on Phil when Phil is already having a terrible emotional time. Dan isn't trying to hurt Phil, he only wants to help. All he knows is that Phil is not comfortable with attention on himself, so Dan figures it's easier if they talk about Dan. But Dan is a lot to talk about. This lopsidedness is what they both know, all they both know. "Yes," Dan manages. He has a million questions, but none of them seem just right. "What has it been like, now that I'm adjusted to my new meds? I think I've been really good, like happy. Is that… is it weird for you? Do you feel better, too?"  
23:59  
Charlie 🎄  
“It’s not... I wouldn’t say it’s weird.” Phil says. “But these meds are... different. You sleep better. You’ve got more energy. You do seem happier.” He said. “And it does make me feel better, to know that you’re feeling better.” He reasons. “But it’s not just the meds.” He adds. “It’s you. You’ve come out, and I’ve seen the difference it makes. You’re focusing more on who you are, and who you want to be, and what you want to put out into the world. You’re less focused on what others think of you. That makes a difference.” He says. “We’re focusing on our lives, and not just our careers. It all adds up.” He says. Dan is happier now than he was last year, or five years ago, or ten years ago, Phil can see it. He’s seen that change happening in real time. And there’s so much that went into that beyond just therapy and meds. It was Dan. He’d done a lot of hard work to get where he was. And seeing that improvement did mean a lot to Phil. “Sometimes you say that I saved your life. And I don’t believe that. Not for a moment.” He says. “You saved your life. Not me. I’ve been here for you, to love you and hold you and listen when you needed it. But you did all the hard work. You did.” He whispers.  
16 December 2019  
01:53  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't really believe that. He just can't believe that. He's a person, of course he wanted to get better, and he did everything he could to be better, but people can't be okay without some kind of social support. Phil was the first Dan really had that since he was very young. Maybe Phil isn't the one on meds or going to therapy all the time or doing the research or tearing his soul apart so he can be better for Phil, no, but Phil went through all that with Dan. He was here for all of it. Dan literally could not have done it without Phil. If Dan were alone, left to his own devices, he would not be here today. Maybe Phil just can't handle that thought. Maybe Phil really doesn't want to believe Dan needs him as much as he does. Some small, frightened part of Dan can feel Phil pulling away by saying Dan can be happy without Phil and Phil never really did all that much, anyway, and Dan wants to beg him to stay close, stay just like this, keep loving Dan. It isn't healthy, but Dan just doesn't see a life without Phil for any length of time. Dan's overreacting, he knows. Dan just has to make space for Phil, that's all. He'll suck it up and bring up the codependency thing in therapy and it will hurt like nothing else, because there is nothing in this world that means so much to Dan as Phil does, but if Phil needs that, Dan can give him space. Dan is nearly 30 years old, he's a man now. He can be happy alone, can't he? Alone is a lot different to Dan than alone without Phil. Dan just holds onto Phil tightly to steady himself. Phil can have his space and his independence, but Phil is Dan's hero, that's not something Dan thinks he can let go of anytime soon. It helps to see things that way. The world is bad, but Phil's goodness makes up for it. Dan just has all too much wrapped up in this. "I don't like when you say that," Dan replies very gently. He doesn't know what else to say.   
02:17  
Charlie 🎄  
((Hey, I’m at work right now so I’ll reply in about 45 minutes! 😁))  
02:17  
May 🌈  
[No worries! I hope work is good!! 💖 sorry I just can't sleep haha]  
03:05  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil hears Dan’s long silence. He feels his grip tighten, and he has enough experience with Dan and his body language to know that something about this conversation makes him uneasy. He thinks he knows. And he rubs Dan’s side easily. “When I say that I want you to be happy without me, I don’t mean that I’m going somewhere.” He says softly. “I’m not. I’m here. I’m not leaving. That’s not what I mean. I just mean that you should be happy regardless of whether I’m here or not.” Phil tries again. He wants Dan to understand, and feel better about this. “I don’t want to be the only thing making you happy.” He says. “I want you to be happy with everything else too. Your friends, and your family, and your career. Your hobbies, and your own company, too.” He says. “I want to know that I can go visit my parents for a weekend or something and I’m not going to open my phone to sad tweets posted at 3am. I want you to be able to go out with friends and enjoy yourself without rushing home because you miss me.” He explains. “I want you to have a life that makes you happy outside of just me. Not because I’m leaving, or anything like that. But because you deserve that.” He murmurs. He doesn’t know if it makes sense. All he knows is that it’s not healthy for Dan to rely so heavily on Phil. And Phil, on Dan. He needs other people, and other things in his life that he can lean on too. Because on the rare occasion that Phil has to be away for a few days or something, he wants to know that Dan is okay. That he has sources of happiness that don’t rely on Phil’s presence. Not only is that just healthier, but Phil thinks it would ease his own anxiety tremendously, just to know that Dan is safe, and stable, and happy, regardless of how close in proximity he is to Phil.  
03:27  
May 🌈  
That's why all this is happening, isn't it? Neither man can stand being apart from the other, and if one of them isn't okay, neither of them can be. Part of Dan wishes he was still on shitty meds so he wouldn't have to face what he thinks will be the most difficult part of this: sustaining himself without Phil as his crutch. The truth that Dan knows deep in his soul is that he doesn't want happiness without Phil. Dan doesn't want friends unless they're Phil's friends, too. He doesn't want his family, he wants Phil's family. He doesn't want his own career or hobbies or any of it. Part of that is fear of anything without Phil's seal of approval or his direct protection or whatever, but a lot of it is that Dan knows nothing will ever compare to Phil. He doesn't care if he doesn't see his friends for months on end, they can't make him laugh like Phil does. So, why waste his time and energy when he can just stay home with Phil? It's the kind of safe neediness Dan always wanted, the introvert dream: holing away with Phil in their flat for weeks, months, even years at a time because all they need is each other. Dan knows it's more than that. There's something deep in his heart aching at the thought of those lonely nights without Phil, just filled with anxiety and depression because it's easier to just put all his eggs into one basket, isn't it? It's easier to choose one safe (albeit, amazing) person to idolize and forget the rest of the world. Dan is putting all of his weight on Phil, he has been all along, and Phil's just been carrying it. Dan's trust, his heart, his love, his healing, his happiness. Dan's more than okay with anything Phil will give him, so long as he stays. Just like when they were kids. Nothing's really changed, has it? Dan is still instinctively terrified Phil will just get up and leave. It feels just the same as it did then. "You deserve that, too," Dan responds maturely. He still has a death grip on Phil's shirt, but he isn't crying, so it's a start. "I'm sorry. I… You're right." Dan chuckles half-heartedly, lowly under his breath. "I just… I don't feel okay without you. Truly. I'm sorry. I didn't realize..."   
03:38  
Charlie 🎄  
“No, stop that.” Phil chastises lightly. “I’m not asking for an apology, Dan. I’m not saying you’ve done something wrong. This doesn’t have to change overnight, all at once. It’s just something to think about, yeah? Something to work on. For both of us.” He reasons. Phil does the same thing, to a lesser degree. He has his own friend groups. He has his family. He and Dan have been doing separate things with their careers lately. And despite how it may sometimes feel, they were two different people, with two different lives, and two different schedules. Things didn’t always perfectly match up. Sometimes Phil wanted to spend a few days up north and Dan couldn’t come because he had meetings. Sometimes Dan’s friends from uni would come to town, and invite him out for drinks, and he’d say no, or he’d go for an hour and then quickly return. They always gravitated back towards each other. And that was fine, but wasn’t it unhealthy to miss someone so much that you couldn’t be apart for a few days? Even a few hours? They spent almost every waking moment together, for ten years. Surely when Phil was away, Dan should be starfishing across the whole bed, enjoying his brief respite from Phil’s snoring and drooling. But instead, he was up all hours of the night, usually making worrying tweets. And that, was the product of their pasts. Just like everything else. They clung to each other for dear life and refused to let go. Because Phil has suffered too much loss, and Dan had never had this type of love before, and they both had this primal fear that space, meant it would all go away. That was something they both needed to work on. “It’s okay. This is just... something we both need to tackle in order to keep moving forward, you know?”  
03:55  
May 🌈  
Dan selfishly doesn't want things to change. He knows they should, and he can't stand knowing he's causing Phil so much stress, but the idea of things changing between them scares Dan more than it should. "Okay," is all Dan really has to give right now. Except, maybe, "I love you." It's a question. It's a really selfish question of 'I love you.' It's asking for a response, asking Phil to please, just right now, hold Dan and tell him he loves him still. Dan tears up again, wet and hot tears stinging his eyes and making his cheeks crusty. He rubs his eyes harshly, feeling really upset with himself beyond his control. Phil is right. Like always, but especially right now, Phil is right. Dan is going through a lot right now, and that isn't usually such a big deal to Dan, but only because Phil is always here at the end of the day to make it better. Maybe Dan wasn't ready for this. He can handle losing his father (again), and even losing his grandma, and fighting with his mother, and fighting with a stranger on the underground, and Dan can handle feeling like his body is trying to eject his soul via drug withdrawal, and Dan can handle coming out to the whole, wide world, and Dan can handle going to therapy day in and day out as he expunges the worst parts of him, but Dan doesn't think he can do even one of those things, or maybe even just be alone with himself, who he hates so deeply, a few short hours. Dan was victimized before he knew what the word meant, but doesn't think he knows how to handle being the source of someone's struggles, let alone someone so perfect and important to Dan in every way. Dan's the one building Phil's anxiety and pushing him over the edge. Crying about it isn't helping, but just like everything else, Dan just can't help it. Dan worked so hard to learn to open up with Phil, and now he's opening up too much and putting too much on Phil, and Dan knows this is a mess long before he's shaking with it.  
04:08  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil’s gone wrong. Somewhere in this conversation, it went a direction he didn’t want it to. And now Dan was upset again. They were being ridiculous. They kept passing their misery back and forth like a game of hot potato. And it wasn’t working. “I love you.” He says simply, knowing Dan needs that right now. “I love you more than anything else in the world. And I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. I promise you that. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to leave you by yourself. You’re never going to be alone, bear.” He promises, holding Dan close and praying Dan can see through his own self blame and self doubt and understand what Phil is saying to him. “Please do not think that I’m accusing you of something by saying these things. Because I’m not, okay? We both do this. We both lean on each other and rely on each other more than what’s probably normal. And we do that because it’s how we learned to survive.” Phil reasons. “I’m not saying you have to live without me. I’m not saying that I want to spend time away from you, or that we can’t miss each other when we’re apart. Of course we can. But I don’t want to be the only thing holding you together, Dan. And I don’t want you to be the only thing holding me together. If, for whatever reason, we find ourselves apart, for an hour, or for two weeks, or however long, I want to know that you are okay. I don’t want to have to spend every moment away from you wondering if you’re breaking down. And you shouldn’t have to wonder those things about me” he says gently. “Do you understand? I’m not saying that what we have is bad. We’ve mastered being happy together. And I think it’s important that we both work on being able to handle ourselves when we’re alone. Being able to trust each other, and trust that we’ll be okay.” He says. Maybe he shouldn’t push it like this. Dan is starting to cry and that should be Phil’s cue to back off. But he feels strongly about this, he feels that learning to stand on their own two feet is the next step in their healing, and in their journey together. They’re strong together. But if either of them are truly going to improve, they need to be able to be strong on their own. Even just temporarily.  
10:26  
May 🌈  
Dan realizes how fully childish he's being. Still, after all this time, after everything, making Phil profess his love and commitment to Dan. It does help, which kind of makes it worse. "I understand, I know, I'm sorry," Dan finally says. He calms down quickly enough because Phil is here and he's talking to Dan. Sometimes, that's all Dan needs, even if what Phil is actually saying is hurtful. He can't stand the quiet in moments like these. "I understand, you're right," Dan promises. He needs another few minutes to fully calm down. He's absolutely raw by the end of it, but he'll be okay. They'll be okay. This needs to happen. If they don't talk about things like this, they'll never get better. "I just love you so much," Dan explains gently, "it's just a lot for me. I'm sorry. It isn't you." Dan presses a kiss to Phil's shoulder before sitting up a little to hug him more properly, "I just love you, Phil. Like, so much. It's not even…" Dan needs Phil to at least partially understand why he's acting so mental. "It's just everything. Lately. Like, I know, logically, I'm making changes. Adrian and I are good. I'm… I'm already working on it. It's not a big deal. I know. I just- I'm just overwhelmed. I don't want, um…" The idea of enduring any amount of loss or trauma without Phil is just not something Dan can handle right now. How could Dan have survived if he had left for London from Rawtenstall alone? How could he deal with his family or help his grandma, knowing Phil wouldn't be there when Dan came home that night? Dan wipes at his eyes more gently now, his eyes sore. "We can work on it. I'll work on it. We'll get better." Dan kisses Phil's cheek, "Thank you."  
10:38  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods, and holds Dan a little looser so that he can wiggle around and adjust his position. “I don’t mean to push it so much.” He says quietly. “I love you. That’s all. I just want you to be okay, even on those days when I’m not right here to make sure of it.” He says. He needs to know that Dan is okay, that Dan can function without him. Because spending their lives together meant that on occasion, things were going to come up, and they might not be able to spend every day, every moment, in the exact same place. And maybe it was morbid, but Phil also knew how quickly and unexpectedly things could go wrong. If anything were to happen to him, god forbid, He’d need to know that Dan would keep going. That he’d have someone, something else to live for. He wouldn’t say that, though. Because he knew how slim those odds were, and he certainly didn’t want Dan to be worrying about what he’d do in the very unlikely event that Phil was no longer around. No, that was just Phil’s anxiety-brain coming up with worst-case scenarios and Dan didn’t need to be part of that particular thought process. “We’ll work on it together.” He promised. “I’m sorry for pushing. Let’s talk about something else now.” He said. He hated upsetting Dan like that. But if they were being honest right now, then that was just something he wanted to put on the table. It was just something to chew on.  
19:23  
May 🌈  
"No, no, it's okay," Dan argues gently. "Thank you for pushing me to be better. I want to be better." He rubs Phil's chest soothingly for a quick moment while he tries to think of something else to ground them both. "Um. I'm really fucking hungry." He laughs a little, but it comes out a bit off. He'll get there. Dan wipes at his face once more, knowing he'll need to wash his face tonight, "Should be here soon. I'll feel better once we're eating. You know me." He chuckles a little at himself, trying to lighten the mood, hoping he doesn't just seem utterly pathetic. "Do, um… Maybe a video game or a film? Or something? Did you have something in mind?" Dan moves to sit up again so they can get out of the messy headspace they've been in since yesterday. It's time to start thinking clearly again, get back on a regular, healthy train of thought. Dan didn't used to be able to let things like this go. He would think it to death until all that's left of him is a depressed mess. Phil is here and he promises to stay. That's all Dan can ask for.   
19:31  
Charlie 🎄  
“We’ll take it easy tonight, yeah?” Phil says. “Watch some movies and lay around and relax.” He smiles gently. He’s feeling a bit better now. A lot better. His heart isn’t racing as much as it was. His nightmare had long faded. He still felt a bit embarrassed about the meltdown, but it was over now. “And... I know you already said no, but just... think about going to your nan tonight.” Phil said. “I’m feeling better. It’s okay if you want to be with her.” He says. He won’t push. It’s Dan’s choice to make. He just wants to remind Dan that it’s okay, that Phil is okay. This is one of those situations Phil was talking about. A family emergency. If Dan wanted to be there, Phil would be okay at home. He could handle himself for one night. He’d go with Dan if it made Dan more comfortable, but Phil knew that they could both survive if it went differently. “I’ll go get some blankets, okay? You get something on.” He smiles lightly, squeezing Dan’s waist lightly as he moves to get up from the sofa.  
23:05  
May 🌈  
"Yeah, that's perfect," Dan agrees quietly. His very favorite days aren't spent around the world, but right here with Phil. He nods silently at the mention of his grandma. Dan isn't feeling entirely himself right now. No matter how hard he tries, Dan needs some time to bounce back. "Okay," then Phil is gone from the room and Dan's alone with himself. He doesn't reach for the remote just yet. He sincerely tests the waters of the silence that suddenly overtakes the space. It isn't too overwhelming, but it certainly isn't pleasant. Just a moment or two of that before Dan chooses one of Phil's favorite comedies: all punny humor, of course. Dan adores him. They have a relaxing evening of silly laughs, eye rolls, and pizza. It's a bit off, but they've certainly had worse. When it comes to it, Dan just isn't willing to ride the tube this time of night, even if he is feeling well enough. Dan can't fucking wait to go back to bed and end this day. He sleeps like he never wants to wake up again, but of course, he does, and he feels much better the next morning. He's up and ready to visit his ridiculous family first thing in the morning, just wanting to get it all over with. There's no procrastinating on this one.   
17 December 2019  
03:15  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil’s anxiety is something that never fully goes away. It’s always there, on a minor level, in the back of his mind. But this helps. Removing themselves from the sources of their stress just for an afternoon. Phil sleeps that night. Not particularly well, but he does. And it’s incredible. He wakes up in the morning to Dan’s alarm, but he doesn’t get up right away. He rolls over, he stays in bed, while Dan pads quietly around the room. Part of Phil does this just to see if Dan will ask him to get up. After yesterday’s conversation, Phil is unsure what Dan wants from this day. Will he go on his own? Is he in a good place for that? It seems like that’s his plan, because once he’s dressed, he heads quietly to the bathroom without even a glance in Phil’s direction. And then, Phil gets up. He has to check in with Dan before he goes. If Dan wants him to come, he will come. Though Phil thinks that a day with his grandma will do Dan some good. He stands up, he stretches, and he heads out to the kitchen to put the kettle on. He skips his coffee again today. He feels a lot better than he did the day before, but he doesn’t want to take the risk with the caffeine. He makes one for Dan, though. Because the extra energy is likely something he’ll seek out this morning.  
09:00  
May 🌈  
Dan finally heads downstairs with wet hair and a thin backpack in case Dan stays overnight. He half expects to stay until his grandma is released, but it really all depends on how painful the rest of the family makes this on Dan. Of course he wants to be with his grandmother as long as he can, he loves her very much and he's so fucking worried about her, but he truly cannot stand his brother's constant mention of their father or his mother's constant bickering. Maybe it won't be like that. Dan has no way of knowing what it will be like. The instability of his family might be the worst part. It's far worse than the instability of his and Phil's mental health. Dan can trust that Phil will always be safe and good to Dan, even when he's struggling. It is uncomfortable not to know exactly what their future holds, but that's just Dan's insecurities, really. Everything will be okay. "Hey, baby," Dan joins Phil with a hand at the small of his back and a kiss to his cheek. "Did you sleep okay?" Like Phil said, even if he stays, he's only a short trip away from the hospital. Dan is not alone, not really. Dan checks those irksome bags under Phil's eyes: they look lighter than they did yesterday. It will take some time for them to fully pass.  
09:07  
Charlie 🎄  
“I slept, that’s a start.” Phil chuckles softly, placing a hand on Dan’s waist and pulling him in for a gentle hug. “Getting ready to head out?” He asked, pecking Dan’s lips briefly before pulling back and handing him his mug of coffee. The fact that Dan was up early, preparing for what looked like it could be an overnight stay, and all of his own accord, without prompting, seemed like a good sign. But still, Phil knew that spending time with his family under any circumstance was hard on Dan. Even when the visits went well. Hopefully today would be easy on him. He could spend the day with his grandma, maybe his granddad too. Adrian would likely go home to rest. And Dan’s mum may or may not be present. “How are you feeling?” He asked gently. Dan seemed better than yesterday. Hopefully his mood would carry him through the day.  
12:20  
May 🌈  
Dan melts right into Phil's touch, burying his face in Phil's neck for a few long moments. This is just about the last bit of comfort Dan is going to have all day, so he savours it while it lasts. "Mhm," Dan replies absentmindedly into their quick kiss. The coffee is a shit substitute for Phil's touch, but it weans Dan away, so it does the trick. Dan sips at his cuppa instead of having to answer Phil's question, but it's really only a procrastinative effort. "Fine, I guess. Just want to get it over with," Dan admits. It's nothing to be excited about, regardless of family issues. Dan doesn't want to see his grandma in a hospital bed again, he doesn't want to see his grandfather worn out at her side, praying for her recovery. Dan will probably have to convince him to go home today, he doubts anyone else has thought to do so. He sometimes thinks his mother and Adrian are just entirely disconnected from reality. "You're good? Do you need anything before I go?" He rubs Phil's arm affectionately, already missing his touch and Dan hasn't even said 'goodbye' yet. Today, and probably the rest of the week, is going to suck.   
12:27  
Charlie 🎄  
Dan has not asked Phil to come with him, and it seems he has no intention of doing so. Phil wonders if it’s because this is what Dan wants, or because Phil had suggested it yesterday, when he was feeling unwell. “I feel okay.” He promises. “I’m a lot better today. Clearer head.” He assures. He’s not perfect. He’s not back to 100%. But he is doing better. “Give me a ring at some point, yeah? To check in?” He asks, taking Dan’s hand in his own for a moment. “And remember what I said. If you need me, I can be there in less than an hour.” He adds. Dan’s not alone in this. Even if he was in wokingham and Phil was in London, he was not alone. Phil was only a phone call away.  
22:33  
May 🌈  
[Did you have anything in mind for a skip? :) ]  
22:40  
Charlie 🎄  
((I thought maybe we could write through Dan’s visit? I could write as his grandma, maybe? Or we could just skip to when he gets home, or something else if you’ve got any ideas!))  
22:41  
May 🌈  
[If you're down with playing side characters that would be so cute!]  
22:41  
Charlie 🎄  
((Yeah I’m fine with it!))  
22:47  
May 🌈  
Dan nods in agreement, though he doesn't think he'll be particularly good conversationally. Dan kisses Phil's knuckles, "And I can be home in an hour if you need me." He decides they've properly run out of things to talk about, and he really should go, so Dan wraps Phil up in a tight hug once more, this time more lingeringly. "Thank you. I love you," he murmurs. He takes a deep breath before pulling back to kiss Phil once more before pouring his coffee into a portable cup, leaving the mug in the sink, and heading out. 

It's a pretty miserable scene to walk into. Adrian is asleep sprawled across, like, five chairs, their grandfather is asleep in that uncomfortable hospital bed he's likely been glued to since they arrived with his head leant forward to rest against his wife's waist, and Karen is nowhere to be found. Dan is already exhausted. Dan greets his grandmother with a smile and a small wave. He sets down the bouquet of flowers he picked up off a street vendor down on the plastic piece of furniture. Dan takes a seat across from his grandfather so he can sit beside her. She looks so small and fragile here. The needles and tubes in her arms make him uneasy. Her skin is so thin as it is, she's always bruising herself on little things. She's sure to have long-lasting bruises where the needles are. Dan tries not to look at them.   
22:47  
[I kind of def want to bring Dan's dad back at some point but I haven't thought through that one enough yet!]  
22:54  
Charlie 🎄  
((That would add some drama, for sure!))

“Good morning, dear.” She whispered, when the door creaked open. She’d been expecting a nurse. They came in every hour or so to check on her, look at all her silly machines, and ask the same set of monotonous questions. So to find her eldest grandson at the door was quite a treat. “It’s so early, you must have been up at the crack of dawn.” She said. “But it’s nice to see you.” She adds. Dan doesn’t come around much. It’s painful for him. She understands. This family had always been a bit difficult to be a part of, especially for the kids, who so often got caught in the crossfire when the adults couldn’t behave. She knew how Dan struggled. “Your brothers hogging all the chairs, isn’t he? My, here, come sit with me.” She chuckled, scooting over in her little bed with a bit of difficulty. Though weakness was a small part of the issue. The bigger part, was her husbands big head. Stubborn man refused to leave her side.  
23:06  
May 🌈  
Despite the depressed atmosphere of the hospital, Dan can't help but to smile when he hears his grandmother's voice. He leans forward to kiss her cheek and whisper, "Morning. I was hoping you'd still be asleep." He's honest, if nothing else. He chuckles when the old woman tries to make room for him, "Hey, don't…" Dan leans against the side of the gurney bed and that's enough for him. He whispers out of more concern for his grandad than his stupid kid brother. The poor man could use some rest, even if the position is killing his back. "I'm sorry I couldn't come yesterday. I missed you." He takes off his backpack and sets it down beside her bed. Dan holds his grandma's hand childishly, really needing to feel that she's alive and well and herself. Dan isn't this kind of close with anyone else. He feels a kind of comfort from her he just doesn't get anywhere else. She's wise enough never to make Dan feel unwanted or unloved. Not once, not ever. That kind of streak does a lot to Dan's trust issues. "Do you need anything? Water?" He pulls a candy bar out of his backpack long enough to flash it to her jokingly, then stuffs it back down like it's an illegal substance. She really isn't supposed to eat anything outside the cafeteria diet, but if it makes her happy, It's worth it. "Just say the word. I've got hookups."   
23:12  
Charlie 🎄  
“You naughty thing.” She says, though she can’t help but laugh a little. “I’m afraid I have to behave if I want out of here.” She says. “They’re monitoring my swallowing. Which means I have to eat mush for a few days. If I don’t choke to death they’ll let me have solids.” She shook her head. “I’m fine, really. Don’t know what they’re all so worried about.” She smiled, giving Dan’s hand a squeeze. He was on her weakened side, so she couldn’t quite squeeze him as firmly as she’d like to. “Bloody broken foot is what they should be worried about. They say when it heals I might have to use a walker. Like an old woman.” She scoffs. But she is an old woman. A reality she’s had to confront quite a lot lately. “But that’s enough about me, how have you been? You’re looking well.” She smiles. Dan May not visit as much as he could. But he’d done very well for himself, and she was more than proud.  
23:25  
May 🌈  
"I'm so happy you feel okay. Really, really happy." There isn't a lot Dan wouldn't trade for his grandmother's good health, and more importantly, her comfort as she ages. She can't live forever, but that doesn't mean she has to suffer. Dan's grandmother has him laughing in no time. She's an angel, she must be. "We'll make up for it once I break you out of here." Her weak movement has Dan cringing involuntarily, but thankfully subtly. He holds her hand more tightly and carefully to make up for it. "Reckon you'll have more fun in a wheelchair. Adrian can take you on his runs or whatever he does." As painful as this conversation is, Dan would far prefer it to any talk of himself. He's noticeably less eager at this conversation, "I'm okay now." He takes a deep breath, "I, um… I'm finally getting enough sleep. Are my eye bags gone yet?" He tries to joke a little, but soon finds it easier to talk about other things, "You won't be too upset if I take Grandpa back home so he can sleep properly? He'll be in here next for his back if he keeps this up."   
23:34  
Charlie 🎄  
She knows Dan won’t linger on himself for too long. He never does. All she needs is that little confirmation that he’s well, and she lets the conversation move forward. “God, please do.” She laughs softly, one hand resting atop his bald head, and smiling at the snore that escapes him. “I love him, and I love that he’s here for me. But he’s a real pain in the ass.” She chuckles. “Won’t stop bothering those poor nurses. Calls for them every time I move. An old lady can’t even pee in peace.” She shook her head. He meant well, she knew. He was worried. They were at an age where every health issue was a concern. Every ache and pain was cause for worry. It was a little frightening at times, but her age was one thing she’s accepted. When her time came, she’d feel ready. She’d have her affairs in order. It would be okay. “Take them home, both of them. They need to rest. And I’m alright. I don’t need to be babysat.” She smiled. Dan had brought a backpack with him. So she had a feeling the babysitting was far from over. But she supposed if it meant spending time with her more absent, flighty grandson, maybe she could handle it.  
23:45  
May 🌈  
Dan has to cover his mouth to keep from laughing too loudly. Adrian shifts a little, clearly long accustomed to sleeping alone, but easily falls back to sleep. Phil was exactly the same when Dan had that infection in college. He wouldn't leave Dan's side, wouldn't leave the nurses alone for all of half an hour, wouldn't quit checking on Dan, even in his sleep. Dan could swear Phil watched that heart rate monitor far closer than any nurse or doctor. He can only imagine how bad he'll be someday when they're old. "Babysitting? I wouldn't dream of it. That's the nurses' job. I'm just here to visit my nan." Dan would never leave his grandmother alone here for any amount of time. Now that she's had her fall, he's tempted not to leave her alone at all. They'll need to switch the master bedroom with the smaller guest room downstairs so Dan's grandma doesn't have to climb those stairs so much, or ever. No more rigorous house cleaning. Dan can help with those things, no problem. Dan doesn't say any of that aloud, it will only irritate her. "I don't even babysit Adrian, we all know he could use it."  
23:53  
Charlie 🎄  
She laughs at a faintly mumbled “shut up” from the other side of the room, where Adrian can clearly hear the conversation, though he’s too close to sleep to really care. “Don’t you two start.” She teases. “And you stop your thinking. I see the smoke coming out of your ears.” She says to Dan, who seems to get lost in his head for a moment. She wonders what he’s thinking about. Probably the same thing everyone’s thinking about. She’s heard the nurses talking of it. Whispers of it between Karen and Adrian when they thought she was asleep. Everyone was so concerned about how she’d fare at home. If her husband could take care of her. If she could take care of herself. Words like “home support” and “nursing home” had been mentioned when nobody thought she was listening. And she knew it was a possibility. She just wished everyone would stop being so secretive about it. She’d need the extra help for a while, with her foot, and getting used to the slight weakness on one side, if that didn’t go away. But surely she could still function at home once she’d adjusted.  
18 December 2019  
10:32  
May 🌈  
This feels normal. Holidays and weekends spent with their grandparents, away from their unstable parents, Dan and Adrian sort of got along. Even when they didn't, they were playful with one another. It wasn't quite so tense and heavy without their parents' shitty influence. Dan doesn't know how this, of all things, feels at all normal, but it does. Dan wonders if it's all that obvious he's lost in thought or if his grandmother really still knows him so well after all these years. "Yes, ma'am," he smiles softly, tiredly. Dan's gotten so lost in thought, in fact, he can't quite remember where the conversion last was, so he isn't sure how to keep it up. "I'm just really glad to see you. I missed you. A lot." It's probably cheesier than she wants to hear while she's in the hospital, but it's the truth. He leans forward to wrap her in a very delicate hug. He's overly cautious of the wires and bandages on her skin, not daring to risk hurting her in any capacity. She's warm and still smells of herself, even in this dingy hospital room, despite everything. Dan knows he'll have to lose her sooner or later. This is likely the start of many hospital trips and accommodations at home. If they're lucky, the next won't be for a long while. "I'm sorry," Dan apologizes for nothing in particular, mostly for being flighty and problematic and difficult.   
10:43  
Charlie 🎄  
She hugs Dan firmly in return. Former in one side than the other, but it’ll do. She doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for, but she suspects that now is not the time for that type of conversation. Perhaps later on, if they get some time alone. For now, she squeezes him once more, and turns the conversation to something she knows Dan likes to talk about. “How’s Phil doing?” She smiles. “He was here the other night with you, yeah? Hardly got to see him through all the commotion.” She said. “What’s he up to today?” She smiles warmly. She’s never talked to Phil much. Understandably enough, Dan doesn’t really bring him around. But he seems like a lovely man, from what she can tell. She watches some of him on the computer, sometimes. He’s a sweet boy, and he clearly makes Dan very happy. That’s all that matters to her, at the end of the day. She’d like to properly meet him, she thinks. She’s met him as Dan’s friend. Only recently did the truth come out. She may have always had her suspicions about the man her grandson talked about as if he was the sole reason the earth kept spinning. But to have Dan properly say it was quite heartwarming. She was happy that he felt comfortable with that.  
11:00  
May 🌈  
Dan sits back up again and laughs lightly at the topic she decided on. Right about now, that makes him want to apologize again, but he doesn't. Dan doesn't need to apologize for being gay or being in love with Phil, that's the one thing he won't apologize for. Phil is the best part of Dan's life. "He's okay. He's good," Dan runs his fingers through his hair, "Yeah, it was mad. Um, he's alright. He's at home, probably sleeping in or something. We were a bit ill yesterday, he's still feeling it. And he-" Dan shakes his head when he decides to just come out with it, "He hates hospitals. His dad is in remission for cancer. I didn't want to drag him back here." He adds, "I'm sorry he didn't really get a chance to really say, 'hi'. It was just a lot going on. He was nervous." He doesn't mention his mother giving Phil a hard time in the hall. The last thing Dan's grandma needs to worry about is her awful daughter. "The flowers are from us," Dan glances at the bouquet beside her temporary bed with a little smile. He knows Phil wants things to be right with his family. Phil deserves all those things Dan has with Phil's family, Dan just doesn't think he can give him that. He certainly doesn't feel confident with that, considering the way his mother treated Phil the other day.  
11:11  
Charlie 🎄  
At Dan’s explanation, she nods. She seems to remember hearing that somewhere, through the grapevine. “Poor thing. His father is doing well, is he?” She asks. “I can see why this might not be his favourite place to visit.” She said. “Just tell him I said hello, will you?” She smiles. She didn’t know Phil very well. Nobody did. And maybe none of them ever would. That was okay. Dan was happy. That’s what should matter. It’s all that mattered to her. This topic had come up before, with Karen, who seemed slightly more concerned by the pair. Not concerned, necessarily, that Phil was a man. That part seemed to be the last of anyone’s worries. What worried Karen is that Phil was a little older, that Dan had been with him, right under her nose, for so many years. That Dan had been so young when this had all started. It was a familiar situation to Karen, and the old woman understood why it upset her to see her son in a situation so similar to her own. But this was different. Dan had loved Phil for many years now. His whole face lit up when Dan spoke of him. That didn’t happen when Karen spoke of her husband. Dan and Phil weren’t married. They focused a lot on their jobs, she thought. They hadn’t rushed into things. And, given the simple nature of biology, they were unable to end up as parents before they wanted to be. The situation may echo familiarity, but it wasn’t at all the same.  
12:29  
May 🌈  
"Yeah, yeah, he's getting better all the time," Dan promises. He remembers a handful of times he seemed so very affected by his health on their last trip just earlier this week, but he can remember even more when his good health surprised Dan. He'll be okay for a long while, Dan is sure of it. He must be, because this family can't stand to lose him so soon. Phil can't lose his dad just yet, he's too young and fearful. "Of course, I will," Dan promises. Phil will like to hear that. If Dan will be spending more time around his grandparents' house to help out, if at any point in time, his mother isn't there, maybe Phil will join Dan. Dan shouldn't let himself hope to have any semblance of family here, but part of him wants to. He disregards that, he's just feeling emotional because he's scared for his grandmother. "Thank you," Dan finishes before a nurse knocks at the door.

"Oh, look at this, they've multiplied!" She jokes in a ridiculously Irish accent. Dan moves promptly out of her way so she can have a thorough look at the older woman. "What a lucky lady, all these handsome men bringing you flowers!" 

That shrill voice wakes up Dan's grandfather easily enough. He's very groggy and obviously very exhausted. He greets his wife with a tired smile and a squeeze to her hand before moving to stretch out his loud, aching muscles. Oh, boy. "Good morning, my love," he mutters as he leans back in his chair to give the nurse access to all the different tubes and wires coming off his wife.   
12:37  
Charlie 🎄  
When the door opens, this time, it’s a nurse like she expected. “It was time for a family reunion, I thought.” She jokes, letting the nurse check over all the tubes and wires and beeping machinery. She wasn’t even sure what all of it was supposed to be doing. But after a few moments of examination, the nurse decided one of the needles got to come out, and that was a relief in itself. “And before you ask, I know the date, the time, I know where I am and who I am, and who they are, and why I’m here.” She adds, having pretty well memorized all the typical questions they ask. They have to make sure she’s alert and oriented, she understands, but she’d be lying if she said it wasn’t a little irritating at times. She wasn’t a fan of hospitals. Nobody was, really. But the older she got, the more frequently she seemed to end up here. Sometimes it was for something simple like a blood test. Sometimes her concerns were more pressing. This though, was the cherry on top of it all. “Now be a dear and send me home?” She said, smiling warmly up at the nurse, though she doubted her politeness was going to get her very far.  
12:59  
May 🌈  
"A lovely time for a reunion, if you ask me!" She laughs as she goes through her run of tests and jots down the results in the computer near the hospital bed. Dan joins his grandfather and greets him with a gentle hug. The older man pats Dan's back in that way he's always done. They stay pretty quiet while the nurse does her work, not wanting to interrupt. Adrian is stubbornly trying to get a few more minutes of sleep, but Dan doubts it's of any quality. "Wonderful!" The nurse responds, writing down a good score for her cognitive test. "Oh, mum, you're a breath of fresh air, ain't you?" the nurse comments light-heartedly. "I'll put in a good word with the doctor, pinky promise. I reckon you'll be bringing the party home tomorrow morning, but you didn't hear it from me, mum. Just a couple questions, dearie, since you're feeling up to it. Have you come up with a recovery plan? I'll have another nurse and your doctor come in with me later today to test your strength, but considering your fall, I'd suggest you keep more than just one of these lovely men around to keep you on your feet. Now, I only say so because patients with strong familial support systems, you know, usually the Jewish type, they tend to go home much sooner than patients who are all on their own."   
13:07  
Charlie 🎄  
That question stumps her a little, if only momentarily. She’s got her husband. Who’s not as spry as he used to be either, but he’s got two working feet, which is more than she can say for herself. Karen is staying with them right now. And emotional as she is, she’s a big help with the cooking and the housework. “Oh, I’m certain I’ll do just fine.” She smiles. “I’ll sleep downstairs, I think. Keep to one level until I get my legs back.” She said. She’d be stuck sitting around for a couple of weeks in her cast anyway. The doctor yesterday had suggested a walking boot once she healed up a bit, but for the first while, she’d be on crutches, if she could handle them. If not, a wheelchair. “Our daughter is with us right now, so we’ve got some help.” She assured. She didn’t particularly like the whispers she’d been hearing, of home support, and caregivers. None of that. She was elderly, not incapable.  
13:25  
May 🌈  
"I'll be there," Dan easily volunteers. He was expecting it, anyway, "Whatever you need. I can help move your room downstairs and help you get around." Dan might be flighty, but he doesn't make big promises like this unless he means it. Dan knows himself, he knows he won't be able to stand being home with Phil when Dan's grandma is at home alone, struggling. "And- Adrian, get up." Dan nudges one of Adrian's chairs with his shoe. "Go-Pro Lad over here will be around sometimes. He can do grocery runs or whatever. But I'll be around. I have more time."

Dan's grandfather thinks he woke up in the Twilight Zone. Not only is Dan here - in the morning nonetheless - but he's committing to spending a lot of time with his family. It's out of the ordinary, to say the least. "See? Problem solved," he gives his wife a wink. 

"That's lovely, dear," the nurse smiles at the offer. "I'm sure everything will work out just dandy. Here, I've got a pamphlet for the basic needs stroke patients generally need, but yours might be a tad trickier because of your foot, mum." She hands it to Dan like he's the only competent adult she's seen since his grandmother was admitted. Jesus Christ. "More instructions to come! And more details just as soon as the doctor is freed up. Take your time making plans, it's best for everything to be settled before Grandma's released. Any questions before I go? Remember, I'm just the click of a button away. Right here." She shows everyone the call button near the heart rate machine.   
13:35  
Charlie 🎄  
“We’re fine, dear. Thank you.” She smiles. She’s a bit concerned by Dan, if she’s honest. Not that she wouldn’t love to have him around, but these are big promises for a boy who comes home once a year for christmas dinner. Maybe it will be easier, since Dan’a father is out of the picture. But she knows that Dan and Karen have their own issues. It worries her a little, but Dan is a big boy. Surely he wouldn’t say this if he didn’t mean it. But she’d chat with him a bit later about that. For now, the nurse finishes up, and heads out, with a promise that she can finally have a solid breakfast today, and then it’s just family once again. “Dan, dear why don’t you take these two home, yes?” She suggests. She holds up her good hand to silence her husband before he can protest. She knows he’ll protest. “Don’t. You need to go home and sleep. You’re an old man.” She says. “And I need you to put some of my things in the little room downstairs.” She adds, knowing that he’ll be more willing to go if he feels he’s being helpful. “They’ll be bringing my breakfast soon, and they’ll probably have someone watching me, make sure I can handle scrambled eggs and toast.” She rolls her eyes a little. “Very boring.” She adds. She knows that Dan will be back. It seems to be his turn to camp out in the awful hospital chairs. But she doesn’t need everyone here, hovering over her.  
13:56  
May 🌈  
Dan's grandfather does try to protest, but he sees it's a losing battle. He doesn't want to stress his wife out, so he finally agrees, but only after Dan promises to stay by his grandmother's side. Dan requests jokingly, "Adrian, will you please go help Grandpa so I can stay? You can run home when you're done, strength conditioning and an inner-city marathon. Switch things up." He doesn't actually expect his crackhead brother to agree. 

"Yeah, actually, I have my Go-Pro in my backpack," Adrian says excitedly. Dan hates him. Not really, but Jesus, he sure is giving Dan reasons to, isn't he?

"See? He's got his Go-Pro, what more can he ask for?" Dan snorts as he gives Adrian a quick hug. He gives his grandfather one more hug before he leaves, and before he has a moment with his wife. It's cute, but private enough that Dan asks about Adrian's Go-Pro for an excuse not to look at them kiss or whisper sweet nothings to each other or whatever it is they do. Dan knows he and Phil will be that obnoxiously passionate couple when they're 90. 

"I'm proud of you, Daniel," his grandfather bids him 'goodbye.' Then, suddenly, it's just Dan and his grandmother and, like, a million chairs. He takes a deep breath and chooses one of them nearest to her. 

"I can't believe Granddad actually left," Dan mentions quietly. Without any snoring, it's suddenly very quiet in here. The heart rate monitor is insufferable.  
14:03  
Charlie 🎄  
Once the room has quieted down, she looks to her grandson with softened eyes. “You don’t need to do all of that, you know.” She says, deciding its best to say it now, before the conversation strays too far. “I’ll be alright.” She promises. She knows how Dan feels about being at home. He’s made a wonderful little life for himself in London, with a man he seems to love a lot, and he’s under no obligation to come back to his roots. He’s free of their drama now. And she’s sure he’d like to keep it that way. It might be different, if Karen wasn’t staying with them. But she was, and having her and Dan under the same roof for any extended amount of time seemed less enjoyable than a stroke. “Thank you so much for offering, Bear. But you and I both know you don’t want that.” She says.  
14:18  
May 🌈  
Dan knows Phil and his father never had this conversation. Phil just did it. He just showed up for his family, and that was that. Dan listens to his grandmother, but he really doesn't want to have this conversation. He holds the pamphlet too tightly in his nervous hands. She isn't trying to be hurtful, not at all, but it hurts to be reminded of his shitty involvement in this shitty family. Not her. Dan's grandma is lovely. Dan doesn't quite know what to say. He speaks sort of innocently, "She said you need help, Grandma." Dan knows he isn't great, but she needs him. "I want to help. Mum said she and Grandpa couldn't catch you or help you up when you fell." Dan suggests, "If you prefer, like… I don't know, Adrian, I can get him to do that. Or a caregiver. I can set that up for you. Whatever you need." Dan doesn't understand, "I love you. I don't want you to be alone." The worst isn't being entirely alone, it's having people around, but feeling alone. Dan's mother is very good at making people feel alone. Dan's grandpa has good intention, but he can't cook or carry her weight or remember her medicines. "Look, I-" he opens the pamphlet to a convenient page with a list of things caregivers do, "Look, it says right here you'll need healthier food. I've been making smoothies lately and Phil can show me how to cook properly. And you have to get fresh air, the house has to be properly clean, not just, like, sweeping. You have to do physical therapy and set up appointments and take your medicines on time. I can help or hire someone to help or…" Dan adds, "Phil and I helped his dad when he was going through chemotherapy. I know the drill. I can help."   
14:30  
Charlie 🎄  
She listens. She lets him talk. And she still wonders if he really wants to do all of this. It’s unlike him, to offer so much. Though this is really the first major thing to happen, health wise, in their family. He was probably just scared. “Take some time and think about it, okay?” She suggests. Dan seemed to jump to this conclusion very quickly, without much thought. She didn’t want him to commit to something that would only hurt him. “Your mother is a big help around the house. I’m good with my meds, I’ll stay downstairs while I’m recovering. I’ll manage, darling. This is all very sweet, but I know how stressful it is for you to be here.” She reasons. She’d raised this boy. Many times, she’d take him for a few days while his parents worked. Even then, as a tiny child, he’d be upset at the idea of going back home with them. He seemed to be doing so well these days, and she didn’t want him setting himself back on her account. Things were strange, right now. Karen was moody and emotional and a tad confrontational, even on her good days. Her husband was who knows where, things were just a bit off at the moment and Dan shouldn’t feel obligated to immerse himself in it again. “Besides love, what about Phil? You said he’s feeling poorly. You don’t want to leave him, do you?” She added. “Just think it over, before you jump in. That’s all.” She said, reaching out to place a hand against his arm with a smile.  
14:49  
May 🌈  
Dan wishes that, perhaps just for a day, people could stop looking so deeply into his soul. Even when he tries to do the right thing, he can't, because he just isn't allowed to be selfless, not even sometimes. "I've thought about it. I thought about it all day I wasn't here yesterday. Adrian is just a kid, Mum is kind of out of her mind right now, and Grandpa just isn't well enough. I don't want you and Grandpa to struggle because we can't get it together. I don't want things to be this way. I don't want you to be alone." Dan's grandpa seemed so happy that Dan wanted to help. Why isn't his grandma? Dan asks, "What if I just come over sometimes? Just a few hours a day. I can just check in, that's all. I can take you out for some fresh air or… something." Phil wants Dan to have something outside Phil, he wants Dan to be on good terms with his family. Maybe this will help them, too. But, mostly, this is just about Dan's grandma getting the care she needs. "Or we can find someone else. Like, a professional caregiver? I know you and Granddad can manage, but you shouldn't have to just manage. You should be comfortable."  
14:58  
Charlie 🎄  
She senses that Dan is serious about this. She’s not sure how comfortable he is, or how well he’s thought this through, but he’s so adamant about it, she supposes all she can do is trust him. “I’d rather not have a caregiver, darling.” She says honestly. She doesn’t feel she needs it. Not now. But she needs something, someone, and that, she can’t deny. “Just come and visit, yeah? Once a week or something. We’ll have lunch.” She suggests. Maybe that’s a compromise. Dan will have the comfort of checking in, seeing how things are going, spending a bit of time. But he won’t be stuck. He’ll get to go home at the end of the day and go back to the life he worked so hard for and the happiness he so deserved. It was a start. And if it went well, maybe he’d come around more often. They all wanted a relationship with Dan. Of course they did. But when those attempts were made in the past, it sometimes only drove him farther away. Something they all had to realize, is that they had to let Dan come to them. They couldn’t expect him, or force him, to be around.  
15:20  
May 🌈  
Dan holds his grandma's hand softly. He'll talk with his grandpa about it when he gets a chance to speak with him privately. Surely, he's worried about his wife, and he wants her to be taken care of. "I didn't think you did," Dan shrugs lightly. He doesn't bring up the high rate of elder abuse in this country, but it's something he thinks about. He worries about his mother's emotional issues, he worries about his father ever returning and causing trouble. Dan just wants her to feel safe and taken care of. His grandma has taken care of others her whole life. Now, maybe she just doesn't know how to accept help. Sort of like how Phil doesn't know how to accept Dan's help, either. Dan rolls his eyes with a smile, "Maybe I'll ask Granddad if I can come visit him another couple days during the week." Things are too heavy. Dan's parents function in that miserable zone if existence, but Dan and his grandmother do not. They make jokes and they laugh and they love each other. "Really, though. I'm taking a break from YouTube. I'm doing so much better. I'm really happy. I don't want to just sit around all day at home worrying about you and Granddad." Dan squeezes her hand soothingly, "It's okay. I'm better now. I miss you."   
18:00  
Charlie 🎄  
“Whatever you’d like, dear.” She says. She’s still not sure how well Dan will handle being at home so much, but he’s a grown man now. He gets to make those decisions on his own. “Just don’t feel obligated, alright? It’s okay to miss a day.” She told him. This was part of getting old, she supposed. Everyone wanted to look after you, the way you looked after them when they were young. Whether you wanted them to or not. It was a comfort thing, perhaps. A way of coping with the idea of loss. She wasn’t going to live forever. She knew that, and she’d accepted that. Each Christmas that passed, each birthday, could be her last. It just made her enjoy them more. When the time came, she’d be ready. The rest of her family may not be. “And if you’re going to come around more often, maybe you’ll bring Phil with you too, now and again?” She smiled. “Feels like I’ve never properly met him, and I’d like to.” She added. “If the two of you are alright with that.” She said. She knew Phil had met everybody. After ten years, it was inevitable. But nobody actually seemed to *know* him.  
23:30  
May 🌈  
Dan's grandma has him smiling at the mention of Phil. He isn't sure he quite hears her right, so he asks without thinking, "What? Actually? I mean-" Dan suddenly can't believe he's here: openly gay, openly in love with Phil, and Dan's grandma wants to see Phil. What? "You do? Like..." Dan knows his grandma has always been an angel to him, but some part of him just can't wrap his head around being accepted in that way. "I can. I can, yeah. I'm sure he'd love that. I just. Sorry." Dan doesn't know what he's feeling other than surprise. He knows his grandma loves him, but she isn't obligated to love Phil, Dan thinks. Dan can get rid of his mum for an afternoon, or maybe take his grandma and Phil out to lunch or something. He just didn't really expect her to specifically request to meet Phil. "He, um… I know he'd love that. Actually. He wants that, like, sort of normal… family thing. He's lovely." Dan must be blushing by now. Why doesn't he just shut up? Dan just nods and finishes quietly, "Okay."   
23:39  
Charlie 🎄  
She doesn’t necessarily expect Dan to get so flustered. But he bumbles over his words and he goes all red in the face and she has to smile. “Don’t work yourself up, dear.” She chuckles lightly, squeezing his hand. “I’d just like to get to know him a little more. You’ve been seeing him for quite some time, yes?” She asks. This topic of conversation is still very new. She remembers getting a call from her daughter, squawking about how she had to check her email, and then impatiently walking the old woman slowly through the process. She rarely checked it, and so she often forgot how. But what she found waiting for her was an awfully heartwarming message from her grandson. There was quite a buzz, in the short while between that email and the first time Dan came to visit, to properly address it. Reactions ranged from happy and supportive, to concerned, to uncomfortable, to indifferent. But overall, all anyone wanted was for Dan to be happy. And with Phil, it seemed he was.  
23:49  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs a little with her and apologizes quietly. "Yes. Yeah, we just… Our tenth anniversary was this year." He can't believe how uncomfortable he is. He never got the wholesome, embarrassing story of bringing a boy home to meet his parents, only for them to gently promise he treat Dan well and have him back at a reasonable time. He didn't get to bring Phil home for Christmas or any other holiday. Dan just isn't used to this. He doesn't know how to act, he supposed. And, duh, he's nervous because he only just came out several months ago. Sending that email was painful. Dan remembers crying until he got back a response from his grandma, the most important person in the world to him outside Phil. The idea of never seeing her again because she couldn't accept him scared him so badly. And then everything was okay. All she was concerned about was her iPad, which worked wonders for Dan's nerves. It wasn't that big a deal for anyone except Dan. And poor Phil, who held Dan through all of it like a fucking saint. There's nothing Dan wouldn't do for him. "Okay," Dan repeats more confidently. "Only if you're… sure. You don't have to." Dan pauses before adding softly and carefully, "Mum is wrong... you know? Phil isn't... She has no idea." He looks down at their hands so he doesn't have to make eye contact.  
23:57  
Charlie 🎄  
She knows how difficult this must be for Dan, to have this conversation after so many years of hiding it. Ten years. That was an absurd amount of time to love someone without breathing a word. “I’m positive.” She says softly. “Forget your mum. You can tackle that another time.” She chuckles. “She just worries. I think there’s a lot she still doesn’t understand. She has questions. But we’ll let her worry for now. It can just be the three of us.” She promises. That will be much easier. On Dan, and on Phil. “You love him.” She said quietly. Obviously. Ten years was a long time. They must love each other. But more than that, she could see it. Talking about Phil gave Dan that look. It made him light up. And if he still looked like that after ten years, she was confident they’d last a very long time. “I’d want to meet any boy who makes you look so happy.” She told him. Dan often looked so sad. To see him lit up like this, finally being exactly who he was, it was beautiful.  
19 December 2019  
00:30  
May 🌈  
Moments like these, Dan feels like he can breathe. In this moment, he is loved unconditionally by exactly two people in this world, and that means more to him than those two people could ever imagine. "I'd really, really like that. Thank you." And then she says the 'l' word. All Dan can do is nod silently. It isn't a question. She knows Dan loves Phil, just like she knows everything else. Dan has to wonder if she watched his video. She must have been tempted to. Little else tears him up more than the idea of his grandmother knowing about his suicide attempt, among other things. She would have seen Dan call Phil his soulmate. Dan decides that's one thing he doesn't mind her knowing. Dan's never said this to anyone before, "I want to ask him to marry me." He must look so childish to his grandmother as he sits here with those big, brown eyes that used to beg her for a cookie or not to ever let his parents come take him back home ever again. This shouldn't be about Dan and Phil, it should be about Dan's grandmother's health, but if she wants Dan to talk about Phil, he figures it's a much easier conversation. "Please, don't tell anyone."  
00:37  
Charlie 🎄  
At Dan’s quiet, mumbled confession, she smiles. “That’s wonderful, darling.” She told him. “Your secrets safe with me. Promise.” She assured. This wasn’t the kind of thing to take lightly. And it was different, than it was with Karen all those years ago. Karen hasn’t gotten married because she was in love, or because she’d been with him for a long time. She got pregnant. And she jumped into marriage because she thought that’s just what you were supposed to do. Dan was far more serious, and she could see that clearly. “Now I really have to meet him. He’s going to be my grandson.” She teased him. Though maybe that little joke was getting a bit too far ahead. Phil would say yes, though. She didn’t know the man from Adam, but she knew that he would say yes. The way Dan spoke of him, she got the feeling that Phil treated Dan like gold. And that’s exactly what he deserved.  
00:48  
May 🌈  
"Thank you." This woman doesn't even know Dan's boyfriend, but she's gladly calling him her grandson already. Not in-law, just her grandson. Like he's actually part of some kind of family Dan didn't see just a few minutes ago. If Dan's proper family is to be just Phil and his grandmother, he'll be luckier than he ever thought he could be. He really should not be crying right now, so he just stays quiet and closes his eyes a moment, a stupid smile on his face. He covers his mouth with his hand and mumbles an apology. Nobody has ever made Dan feel so loved before, except Phil, of course, but that is so much different. He nods when he thinks the tears have passed. His voice is gentle, "I'm sorry I'm…" He thinks his faults are quite self-explanatory. He's sorry he didn't say something sooner, he's sorry he's kept Phil so far away, he's sorry he never comes to visit and he's sorry he sometimes doesn't call when he should and he's sorry he wasn't here yesterday when she needed Dan. He's so fucking sorry he tried to take his own life. Something could have changed. He had options, he was just too scared and mentally ill to choose a better one. He was so young. "I didn't want to lose you. I was scared. It wasn't your fault, you're perfect. I love you so much, Grandma."  
00:56  
Charlie 🎄  
When Dan starts to cry, she lets him. This is hard, she knows that. This is an adjustment for them all, getting used to Dan being so open like this. It must be emotional for him. “Come here, lovely.” She says, making another effort to scoot over in her bed so that Dan can properly sit next to her. “Come. Listen to me.” She says. “Are you talking about your video, sweetheart?” She asks. “I watched. I know what you said. About what you tried to do when you were young.” She told him. “And I was shocked, yes. And I was upset. But more than that, I was proud of you, bear.” She told him, wrapping an arm tightly around her grandson. “None of us knew you felt that way. We didn’t know. But you made it through. All on your own, without any help from the rest of us. That was before even Phil, wasn’t it? So you didn’t even have him, then. You did it all on your own. And that takes an immense amount of strength. So don’t you apologize for that.”  
01:11  
May 🌈  
Dan wipes his tears away quickly. He hasn't cried in front of his grandma since he was very small, before his father taught him that crying is for girls. "Careful," Dan requests weakly when the older woman moves again. He lies beside her obediently, anyway, gladly squished against her side under all the tubes so they aren't disturbed. It's all too much like the way he used to crawl into bed with her and Dan's grandfather after a bad nightmare. 'I watched' is the last thing Dan wants to hear. He whines softly with a little laugh at himself, "I told you not to." But Dan knows better. The power of the internet and all that. He remembers filming the horrible scene. He had said he'd never told anyone that. Ever. Before that moment. He wanted to erase the tape and rush to wherever Phil was and just hold him and apologize all night like that would take all the hurt away. Even Phil didn't know. Ten years worth of casual suicidal jokes and therapy sessions, only for Phil to find out it was never a joke at all. It was real. Dan's really crying now. "I am sorry," Dan tries. "I'm so sorry. I meant what I said, I regretted it immediately. I was so stupid." He calms down quickly enough with his grandmother's support. "I'll never stop being sorry for that. I'm so glad I'm okay. I've never even thought of it since. Never. Especially not since meeting Phil." Phil doesn't like Dan saying he saved Dan's life, so he doesn't say it, but he knows how he feels. "I'm sorry things are this way. I want to change things now. I want to be a family again. At least with you."   
03:04  
Charlie 🎄  
Moments like these are when it becomes the most apparent. That no matter how well he’s done, no matter how successful he is or how far he’s travelled or how much work he’s put into himself, Dan is still very much a scared, and hurt little boy. “I’d like that, Daniel.” She says softly, holding him as close as she reasonably can. “We all would, you know. Your mum too. I know she’s got a weird way of showing it, but she really does love you with everything she has.” She says. “She wants the best for you. Sometimes I think she feels as though she failed you. Especially after she watched your video..” she says. “I can’t speak for your father. He’s an awfully quiet man. But I know your mum, and I know she wants a relationship with you.” She adds. “You two don’t speak much, do you?” She asks. She knows Dan never calls his mum. She calls him occasionally, but from what she hears, their conversations are short. It takes a toll on Karen, it does. She fought hard for that boy, even if Dan couldn’t see that. Karen was always too proud to let her babies see her struggle. But they saw her regardless. Little kids were so observant. They didn’t have to see things to know that something was wrong. They just knew. Karen May not have been a gold star parent. She’d made bad decisions, she’d messed up, she’d done things wrong. But she’d done her absolute best with what she had at the time. She was a fiercely stubborn girl. And when she put her mind to something, she was determined to see it through. Even if she did it badly. It was a little easier with Adrian. She was a bit more ready for him. But she’d made her mistakes with him as well. So had her husband. Many, many mistakes from that end. But that was just the nature of parenting. Perfect parents didn’t exist. And one day, perhaps Dan would understand that.  
09:49  
May 🌈  
Dan listens to his grandma closely, wondering if she actually spoke with Karen about this or if she's just trying to make Dan feel better. "Not in a long time," Dan responds once he starts calming down. "I just hope Dad stays away. We're all better off." Adrian doesn't agree, but he isn't seeing the whole picture. He doesn't see that him and Dan are better together without their dad around. He doesn't want to see the bruises on their mother's face, he just wants a dad. Dan refuses to allow abuse for the sake of a faux relationship with a parent. "I know it isn't Mum's fault. She's a victim, too. It just hurts to talk to her, Grandma. She just… She did this. She brought Adrian and I into this horrible situation and she let him hurt her own children. We were children. And now, she's calling him all the time and asking him to come back, and all he's going to do is hurt her again." Dan shakes his head, "It's madness. I can't hear about how he didn't mean it or whatever the excuse is this time. There is no excuse. If she can't see that, we don't have anything to talk about. I'm sorry. I just can't put myself through this anymore, especially not when she talks badly about Phil, who has never hurt anyone ever." It isn't Dan's responsibility to heal his mother, and he couldn't if he tried.   
10:41  
Charlie 🎄  
“I understand, dear.” She says gently. As much as she wished things were different, she did see where Dan was coming from. “They’ve never been a lovely, happy couple.” She reasoned. She truly didn’t think they’d have stayed together all these years if it weren’t for... well, Dan. Karen was so young, she’d just barely started seeing this man, and then she found herself with a baby. She stayed with him then because she didn’t think she could do it on her own. Why she stayed with him now, when her babies were grown, she really didn’t know. “Love is a crazy thing.” She sighed. “And your mother will realize someday that she deserves better. But she has to realize that on her own. We can’t force her. Otherwise we look like the bad guys.” She reasoned. “Your mother is a difficult woman. She always has been. But she really did try her best for you, when you were young.” She says. Dan’s anger towards his mother is understandable, but she’s not sure it’s entirely justified. Dan doesn’t fully understand the circumstances, perhaps. Doesn’t understand why his mum did some of the things she did. She may not have done all the right things, all the time. But her heart was there. She wanted what was best for her boys, even if she hadn’t quite known how to give it to them.  
11:32  
May 🌈  
"I miss her," Dan admits quietly, his tears mostly passed. "When we lived with you, things were perfect. She was my best friend. I loved her so much." Dan can't honestly say he still feels that way toward her anymore. What reason has she given him to love her that way? "When Dad wasn't there, everything was good. I don't know why it isn't like that anymore. I don't know why she loves someone who hits her and hurts her and abandons her more than… me." Dan's father has left plenty of times before. For the most part, things went back to quasi-normal quickly enough. She was motivated. She took Dan and Adrian on weekend trips and they visited their grandparents more and they were happier. Adrian was always miserable, of course, because he idolized their shithead father, but he usually got over it quickly enough. At least, Dan thought so. After some time, he stopped talking about missing Dad so much or hating their mother. Things started heading toward something sort of normal just when the prick decided to return. They had so many chances to turn things around. "I think that's gone. I don't think Mum and I can be close like that again. Ever."   
11:44  
Charlie 🎄  
“She wants a family, darling.” She says softly. “A regular one. She’s always wanted that. And I think sometimes it blinds her. Your father is all she’s had, you know? He was her first boyfriend, her first everything. She wanted to badly to make it work, and your mother is a fighter. She just... has a hard time realizing when something isn’t worth fighting for anymore.” She said. A lot of Dan’s trouble with his mum boiled down to feeling like she loved him less. That was understandable. But Karen loved her kids more than anything else. “She does love you, darling. I know sometimes it might not seem like it. But she does. From the moment she found out about you, she was in love.” She smiled, with a light shake of her head. “17 years old, pregnant by an older man, still in school, with no job, and terrified. Your grandfather and I sat down with her, and we talked about all her options, and she considered them. She thought it over for a while. And in the end, she chose you.” She said, squeezing Dan’s waist with a gentle smile. “From then on, every decision she made, was for you. She chose you every day. The problem is that she wants it all, you know? She wants a happy, loving relationship with your father. And she wants that with you, and with Adrian, and she just... hasn’t realized yet that she can’t have it all. It’s too late for your father. It was too late a long time ago. But it’s not too late for you boys.”  
11:51  
May 🌈  
Dan was there once: seventeen, closer to suicide than any semblance of life, and letting some shithead guy have his way with Dan every other night. Dan's first boyfriend, though the man would have denied any mention of their relationship to literally anyone. Maybe if he could have managed to be kind to Dan for all of ten minutes in the year and a half Dan knew him, Dan would have been willing to stay. Dan knows his father hurt his mother in the same way. If Dan had never found Phil, would he have ended up in a similar position? If Dan instead found someone who hurt him the way Dan expected Phil to hurt him, where would he be? Living in a dingy flat in Wokingham and spending his mornings covering up bruises with concealer? Dan didn't know any better, either. Months, even years into his relationship with Phil, Dan still expected him to do something, anything to hurt Dan. Maybe it's just in their DNA. Dan is quiet a long while. "Do you think she'll ever let him go?" Dan's grandmother seems to know everything else about everything.  
11:59  
Charlie 🎄  
“She will, when she’s ready.” She says softly. “She has to be ready. She won’t go a moment sooner.” She reasons. You just couldn’t help someone who didn’t want it. And Karen didn’t want to be helped. She’d grown so attached to the life she wished she could have, that sometimes she didn’t realize it wasn’t going to happen. The longer her husband stayed away, the more she seemed to come around. It was different now, that the boys were grown. She wasn’t worried now, about staying together so that the kids could have some semblance of a normal life. They were grown ups now, with lives, and jobs, and in Dan’s case, a committed relationship. Now, she thought Karen was more afraid. She was in her mid 40’s now. She hadn’t a clue how to date. Her parents were aging, her sons were drifting away from her, and if she let go of her husband, she feared she’d be all alone. That was a reasonable fear. “I think you should give her another chance.” She said. “I know that’s asking a lot of you. But I think, right now, she needs to know that she won’t be left by herself if he leaves for good.” She sighed.  
13:57  
May 🌈  
Stubbornness is, in fact, in Dan's DNA. And his mother, and likely, his grandmother, as well. That's one thing, at least, they can agree on. Dan just nods and stays silent. He doesn't really have much to say. He can't promise to fix everything with his mum, that just isn't in his control. He can't force himself to love someone who doesn't give that love back to him. He's the child, it isn't his responsibility to fix things. But he'll make the effort if he's ever having a particularly good day. Finally, he asks, "Why do I have to take care of other people, but you won't let me take care of you?" Dan takes his grandmother's wrinkled, fragile hand to hold softly, "This is about you, after all. It shouldn't be about Mum and I. You're the one who got properly hurt. You sent everyone else away, and now we're talking about my stupid problems." Dan asks, "Are you okay? Actually?" Nigel refuses to even say 'cancer' out loud, let alone discuss his health problems openly, but even he accepts help and support. And love. It seems all Dan's grandma wants to do is give away as much of herself as she can so everyone else can be okay. "Did Mum say something to you?"   
14:07  
Charlie 🎄  
At Dan’s question, she smiles softly. Almost sadly. “Your mother hasn’t said a word.” She said. “I’m going to be fine, dear. I’ll make some adjustments, I’ll be more careful. But this is okay. These things happen.” She said. “Do you really want to know why I worry about you and your mum?” She asks. She knows that maybe Dan doesn’t want to hear it, or think about it. But it’s something that they all need to think about. “Because I’m not always going to be here.” She said. “I might have a few more years left in me. Whenever the time comes, I want to know that the rest of you will manage.” She says. It’s a difficult topic. But Dan is an adult. She can say these things to him. “I’m not worried about you and your brother, really. You’ve got your own lives now, friends and family to watch over you. But your mum... if things are really over with your dad, she’s going to need you boys. Especially when granddad and I aren’t here.” She murmurs. “You boys are all she has. And I guess all this-“ she says, gesturing to the wires and machines around her. “Has me thinking about that.” He shrugs. “It’s not that I don’t want you to look after me, darling. I just want to know you’ll look after each other when I’m gone.”  
14:31  
May 🌈  
Dan feels so unbearably tired at her words. How can she say something like that? He doesn't want to imagine a world without his funny, wise, lovely, sweet grandmother who has been better to him than his own parents. "If you're going to be fine, then you're not going anywhere for a long time," Dan asserts stubbornly. A few years, Dan just won't accept. He really just can't focus on what his grandmother is actually trying to say until he assures himself that she is here and alive and she will be here for a long time. "A long time. Don't let A&E get you down. You're perfect, you'll be okay. It was just a freak thing. You're healthy." In the interest of giving the old woman some comfort, Dan tries a lighter tone, "I don't know how you think we can pull that one off without you, anyway. We need you to keep us civil. You're our moderator. You're..." It's a weak proposal, but Dan doesn't know what else to say. "I need you," he adds quite pathetically. Dan losing his grandmother would be as painful as losing a mother. He was so distraught when he found out about her stroke, he could hardly breathe. Phil has to escort him here, Dan doesn't even think he could have made the train ride alone. Just at the possibility that his grandmother was permanently injured in some way. Maybe she wouldn't recognise Dan, maybe she would be just fine. But losing her entirely? Forever? For the sake of his sanity, he can't entertain that right now.   
14:40  
Charlie 🎄  
She hugs him a little closer again. It hard, she knows. Of course he doesn’t want to accept it, or hear it right now. She understands. She just hopes one day soon, Dan will understand as well. “I’m old, bear.” She chuckles lightly. “And... you’re right. I am healthy. Right now. But I don’t want to live to be a hundred and ten, sitting in a wheelchair in a nursing home somewhere being fed pudding. I don’t want to just slowly fall apart until my old bones can’t take it. You don’t want that either.” She reasoned. Obviously death wasn’t something you could control. Perhaps that fate was exactly what she had to look forward to. Or perhaps she’d go quickly, hopefully in her sleep. That’s what she’d prefer, if her preferences meant anything at all. “We don’t have to talk about it right now.” She allowed. “But just keep your mum in mind, alright? She’ll need you.” She says again. She doesn’t want her life to be all that’s holding this family together. When she’s gone, she wants her daughter to have someone. She shouldn’t be cursed to a life of loneliness because of mistakes she made as a teenager.  
20 December 2019  
01:02  
May 🌈  
"A hundred and ten is a lot more than a few years away," Dan bargains. "Just give me another ten or fifteen years. Middle ground. I promise never to let anyone put you in a nursing home. I think that's a fair trade." He wraps his pinky around hers like he used to do as a child when she promised she would come pick up Dan next weekend. That promise of just one more visit was sometimes what Dan needed to calm down and agree to let his parents take him back to his dad's house. Dan has put his grandmother through so much undue stress over the years. It was bad enough her daughter was so obsessed with that man, but Dan can't imagine how hard it must have been to deal with Dan's emotionally disturbed youth. He alternated between his usual happy, grateful self, periods of isolation and depression where all he wanted to do was lie in his grandparent's bed all day and night, and self-destructive meltdowns that consisted of many tears and sobs, pleas to stay with his grandma forever, and a need for affection that could not be quenched by any number of hugs and kisses and 'I love you's. Karen stopped seeing most of that quite early on when Dan realized she would never care for his emotional needs again. Of course, all his father really saw was the isolation, Dan rarely wanted anything to do with him. All Dan had left was his grandma and, to an extent, his grandfather, though the older Dan grew, the more deeply he realized what a burden he was, and the more he turned to isolation. Dan just can't lose his grandma yet. He hasn't been around much, he knows, but just knowing she's there through the occasional holiday card or heartfelt text or funny phone call is very important to Dan. He hasn't always been well enough to reciprocate, but he's always appreciated her love more than she knows. If Dan's well enough, the least he can do is make as much of an effort as he can to spend time with her and try with his mother. Anything is better than nothing. Maybe Dan can work up to it. He surely isn't ready to handle Karen just now. "And I'll… try to try. With Mum. But I need time. And I need you."   
03:47  
Charlie 🎄  
“Take all the time in the world, dear. I’ll keep at it for as long as the lord lets me.” She chuckled softly. “But really. Take your time. You can’t rush, or force this kind of thing. And you two have a lot of fences to mend.” She said. Poor Dan had been such a troubled child. He was still troubled now. And raising him hadn’t been easy. Karen and James both worked full time to support him, and sometimes it still wasn’t enough. They helped their daughter when they could, but money was tight, and often the most they could do was take the baby for a weekend, or a few days at a time. And it wasn’t without drama. Dan always cried when he went back home. Even as a tiny baby. As he got older, he started being able to communicate more, and talk about what made him so upset. That’s when the older woman discovered what was happening at home. That her son in law was an angry man, who liked to shout, and shove, and manipulate. Looking back on it now, she knew he wasn’t an evil man. He was under an immense amount of stress, like they all were, and the way he chose to express it simply wasn’t acceptable. Learning these things from a small child had started something of a war. She didn’t think Dan knew it, but there was a time, when he was very young, that she fought for total custody of him. Her daughter and her husband simply weren’t fit. But the courts disagreed, and with them Dan stayed. There was a lot of drama, a lot of fighting, and a lot of fierce protectiveness in those early years. She settled for keeping Dan as much as she could. She did her best to give him some kind of a loving home. And while she didn’t really accomplish her goal, she supposed she’d still succeeded. Because Dan was grown, and successful, and he’d found love, and while he still had a lot of healing to do, she knew he would get there. Words couldn’t express how proud she was. And she had a feeling this boy, Phil, had more to do with that than anybody else. It was good that Dan met him so young. Otherwise, what would he have turned to? How would he have coped? Surely not by any healthy means. “Phil treats you well, does he?” She asks softly. The question comes out of nowhere, really. But it’s one she feels the need to ask. Karen has her concerns, and that’s understandable, given certain similarities to her own relationship. But nobody has reason to believe Dan is, or has ever been, mistreated.  
08:19  
May 🌈  
Dan kisses his grandma's cheek as a 'thank you.' The comfortable silence settles over for a while, and Dan doesn't mind at all. He smiles naturally at the mention of Phil, not feeling at all that threatened like Karen makes him feel with similar questions, "Of course he does. He's so lovely." Dan wipes away the last bits of residue from his tears, "He's just… I'd never met anyone like him before. Ever. He's so…" Words are not enough. "He makes me laugh literally every day. Even when things are bad, he's just always there for me. He knows me so well. He listens to me and just always wants me to be happy. He's such a sweetheart. He's so selfless. I know it isn't always good, but for him, it isn't enough that he's happy, he wants everyone else to be happy and good, too. He's just, like…" Dan shakes his head, lost for words. It's really hard for Dan to talk about Phil this way. He isn't used to it. He knows how he feels, but he just isn't particularly eloquent about this particular subject. Not to mention that just thinking about Phil makes Dan a bit flustered. How does he tell his grandma Dan didn't know people like Phil existed until he met him? "I love him. And he really loves me. The way people are supposed to love each other, I reckon. He's my best friend. I love him. He's always there for me. He promised that if I asked, he would come down here right away. I wouldn't ask, but he's waiting by his phone now just in case I need him."   
08:30  
Charlie 🎄  
She lets Dan ramble on for as long as he likes. This is so new. Dan was never one to speak about his love life growing up. Always dodging questions about crushes and girls he might fancy, and it all made quite a bit more sense, in hindsight. And listening to him talk now, she couldn’t imagine being upset with him for this. She was old, she may have been taught differently. She might not fully understand this part of her grandson’s life, but seeing Dan like this, absolutely beaming with pride as he spoke about this man, that was more than enough for her. She didn’t have to understand it. All that mattered was that Dan was happy, and comfortable with this part of himself. “He sounds like a wonderful man.” She smiled. “And I’m very glad you have him. You need someone like that, my dear.” She says, squeezing Dan’s hand again. “And he’s certainly lucky to have you, as well. I imagine you two have been through a lot together.” She says. Surely Dan came with enough baggage for the both of them. But she remembers Dan mentioning Phil’s father being sick, and that couldn’t have been easy. “How’s his family like?” She asks. “Are they... have they been supportive?” She questioned lightly. Dan visited with them a lot, she recalled. But she was unsure how much they actually knew, up until recently. Hopefully they’d taken the news well.  
08:51  
May 🌈  
Dan nods, feeling so much lighter now than he had just a few moments ago. "He really is," Dan promises. He misses him now, just thinking about him, but he'll manage. "We have. We traveled the world together. We moved to London together when we were so young. We always come out okay." He wonders why she's asking about Phil's family, but obediently responds. He trusts his grandma, "They're so lovely. He came out to them when he was younger. It took his father a little more time, but he loves Phil. We get along really well. He's like… I don't know. Sort of like a dad to me. A little bit." Dan feels guilty saying so, but he shouldn't. He knows he shouldn't. He deserves to be loved. "Phil's mum is an actual angel. She and Phil talk about everything, they're so close. She always accepted Phil. She's lovely to me. She's, like, a proper '50's housewife, she's so funny. She tried giving us food to take all the way back here when we found out you fell so nobody would go hungry." Dan shrugs, "They always sort of knew. Coming out was just… I don't know, a different label to them. They must have known. We were so dumb when we were kids." Dan laughs a little at the memories of taking a train all the way to Rawtenstall, again, and upon arrival, immediately excusing himself to Phil's room with him. So stupid. "He wanted to tell them sooner, I think. I just wasn't ready. I was really scared." Not of Nigel and Kathryn, never. Well, maybe Nigel, just a bit. "His brother and his girlfriend live in London, so we see them all the time. Best of friends." Dan adds softly, "Phil's family is so… They actually love each other so much. They're so good to each other."  
08:58  
Charlie 🎄  
She smiles again. She’s perfectly happy with that answer. She’s so relieved to know that Dan has found such a wonderful support system. Sometimes a blood family just couldn’t be that. “You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear that.” She says. “I’m just glad you’re happy.” She adds. It’s all she really cares about, at the end of the day. Dan went through so much when he was little, and he deserved to have that stable, happy life. “And you’re going to marry him.” She smiles again. “Have you thought about that? Any plans?” She teases. She gets the feeling it must be a fairly new idea. Dating a man for ten years under his families noses was one thing, getting married would likely be much more difficult to hide. Not to mention that it was only fairly recently that that kind of thing was allowed. “Have the two of you talked about it?” Maybe she was asking a lot of questions. But she had a lot of questions. Dan would tell her if she was overstepping. One thing he’d always been good at, was avoiding questions he didn’t want to answer.  
09:17  
May 🌈  
Dan's grandma loves him. She really does, if she's okay with Dan having a second family. Dan shakes his head at the question about marriage, "I don't know. We really want to move into a proper house. We were…" Now, Dan feels proper stupid for pushing the idea so hard, "We talked about leaving London. Maybe Manchester." Dan can't leave his grandma now. Damn Phil, he's always right about everything. "Maybe not. He…" Should Dan even be saying this? "Phil said he wants kids. Someday. And then I properly cried, because I'm… me," Dan figures that's a nicer way to say it. "And that was that." Dan has to scoff at himself. How does Phil think Dan could ever be a parent? He can't handle stress. He cries, like, every day, their parents and grandparents are getting… there, and they also have this little YouTube career that Dan hasn't participated in since fucking June. How is Dan meant to think about babies? "He's used to me, though, so he understands," Dan explains. He's a mess, Phil is the normal one just trying to keep up with Dan's drama.   
09:25  
Charlie 🎄  
“Goodness, so you have talked about it.” She laughs gently. “You know, I’d love to have a great-grandchild.” She teased him, though she won’t push the subject, sensing it’s a sensitive one. “Those are all very big decisions, dear. And if I may give you one piece of advice, let me say, you shouldn’t go into any of them until you are completely, overwhelmingly excited by the idea.” She says. Uncertainty and nervousness are natural. But if it doesn’t excite you, it’s not meant to be. That, she’s learned time and time again over the years, and she’s never been proven wrong. Excitement was a sign of readiness. Being proposed to should bring on a wave of utter joy. Viewing homes should bring smiles. Bringing a baby into the home should be nothing but heartwarming. It was normal to be nervous, to be scared, and even to second guess. But as long as that excitement was there, then the decision was good. She was confident in that. “Don’t let anyone push you into those types of decisions. Not to say that Phil would, because the way you speak of him, he doesn’t seem the type. But not just him. Friends, family, anybody. Your life is yours to choose. Remember that.”  
09:43  
May 🌈  
Dan and Phil talk about everything all the time, Dan thinks with a smile. He feels so open with Phil. There isn't much Dan could say to scare Phil off. "Grandma!" Dan laughs, "Am I not enough for you? Am I not cute enough anymore? I even brought the curls back." He reckons it's more than fair, he is very nearly 30 years old, though the thought really and truly frightens him. He doesn't need to be cute anymore, he knows he's loved. Dan smiles softly at his grandmother's words of wisdom. They make Dan feel like maybe he isn't just a terrible boyfriend, maybe he just isn't quite ready for all that yet. "I really do want the house, though. Actually. I'm so tired of renting. You have no idea. I'm too old to be pissed about losing my deposit every few years." He adds after some silence, "I'm excited to be with Phil forever." He smiles proudly, "Whatever we do. I'm just… I'm so lucky. It's been ten years, I still just want to be with him all the time. I don't think I understand why some people just… I don't know, get tired of their partners. I've never been tired of him. I just… I love him more all the time. Just because of who he is."  
09:53  
Charlie 🎄  
“It’s been a long time since I’ve had babies in my house, Daniel. Give an old lady a break.” She laughs, shaking her head. It’s been since Adrian was a wee one. There was always just something so special about the little ones. And if she was lucky enough to one day have a great-grandbaby to hold and love on for a while, she’d be happy. But she’d be just as happy without one, if Dan would rather. “That’s how you know it’s real.” She says, at the mention of Dan never tiring of Phil. “That’s what love is. You get sick to death of each other. They bother the hell out of you and they get right under your skin and some days it takes every ounce of your willpower not to strangle them. But if you still want to be with them at the end of all that, that’s how you know.” She said. Love was rarely easy. But with the right person, it didn’t feel like a chore, or a struggle. It might feel like work, and frustration, but that just meant you were trying. “Do you really think he’s sitting home worrying about you?” She asked after a moment. “You can call him, if you’d like. Put him at ease.” She smiled. She knew Dan might want to talk to him, especially if he was feeling a bit sensitive.  
10:08  
May 🌈  
This is the thing everyone else got when they were teenagers and Dan is just getting now. That advice about love: learning what love is meant to be, how to be in love, how to be happy in love. Dan sort of figured it out on his own, though Phil helped tremendously once Dan was lucky enough to catch his attention. Phil's been guiding him this whole way. The thing is that Dan never gets sick to death of Phil. He never wants to hurt him, they don't fight, and things never feel like a struggle. Being with Phil feels as natural as breathing. Yeah, they get worked up playing video games, but if the extent of Dan's frustration with Phil is his piss-poor video game skills, Dan certainly isn't complaining. "Thank you, Grandma. I love you," Dan smiles confidently. He doesn't remember the last he felt like he so truly and deeply belonged in any part of this family. "We always worry about each other," Dan shakes his head. "I hope he's getting some sleep. What time is it?" Of course, nobody uses real clocks anymore. Ugh. Dan hugs his grandma once more before slipping off her bed very delicately to dig his phone out of his backpack. "Maybe I'll just text him." Phil mentioned checking in and- wow, time has been flying. Oops. 'Hiiii 😘' Dan texts Phil quickly before stretching a bit, "Do you need anything? I feel like your nurse might be starting to miss you."  
10:20  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is sleeping. Or, he’s trying to. He leaves his phone as loud as it will go, just in case. He dozes off for a few minutes at a time, but every time he rolls over, he checks to make sure he hasn’t missed anything. He’s been slightly productive today. He did film a video this morning, mostly to distract himself, and a little bit because he was falling pretty far behind. He’d tidied the flat a little, put the dishes away, and had a shower. Now he was attempting to have a nap. But until he heard good news from Dan, he knew that was unlikely. And when the familiar text tone went, Phil was quick to grab his phone. The text was simple, not very telling, but the emoji led Phil to believe that things weren’t all bad. ‘Hey! Having fun?’ Phil sent in return. Perhaps that was the wrong choice of words. There was no fun to be had. But perhaps it would lighten the mood.

“I’m surprised she’s left me alone this long.” She laughed, glancing up at her own silly heart rate monitor. “That beeping is insufferable, isn’t it?” She shakes her head. Surely she can soon come off all these silly machines. She had a stroke, for Pete’s sake. Shouldn’t they be monitoring her brain, and not her heart? “I’d love a bloody piece of toast, if they’ve got one. I’m a little tired of the baby food.” She said. She’d never been a very good patient. She understood, of course. They were doing their jobs and following their rules, but lord did she wish she could get out of here. It had only been a couple of days. She didn’t know how anyone could stay in hospital for long periods of time without going a little batty.  
10:34  
May 🌈  
Dan knows from the ridiculous response that Phil has probably not slept more than a few minutes this whole time. Silly lad. Dan should properly check on him. "Bloody toast. Yum." He decides, "I'll go talk to a nurse and call Phil. I'll be right back. Don't have too much fun without me." He makes sure she has her phone nearby just in case before leaving the room. He takes the time to talk to a nurse, asking for all the details about his grandmother's health that he should probably have requested the first night. He asks about strokes and exactly what she'll probably need once she's back home. The suggestion of an oxygen tube is unpleasant, to say the least, but if that treatment would help her, Dan isn't one to complain. Apparently, when she arrived, she had more internal bleeding than Dan was originally told, which Dan certainly would have liked to know sooner, but at least she's well now.

"She's recovering quite well for a woman of her age," the nurse promises. "She'll be just fine, so long as she takes good care of herself. Light exercise, lots of leafy greens, vitamins, a good night's rest, and limit stress wherever possible. Dan can do that.

Dan's feeling optimistic when he heads to the cafeteria to find something solid to sneak his grandmother, and something small for himself, as well. He's sure his grandmother is appreciating her solitude. He certainly appreciates his own on occasion. She must be getting quite irritated having everyone fuss over her, so Dan figures as long as he's close by, she'll be just fine. Dan decides to step outside into the cool, winter air to call Phil first. Maybe he'll feel well enough to sleep once he knows everything is well here. "Hey, baby," Dan greets with an irresistible smile. "I miss you."   
10:41  
Charlie 🎄  
When the phone rings, Phil picks it up before the first ring even ends. “Hi.” He says, sighing at Dan’s tone. He sounds good. He sounds... happy, even. That’s baffling. “I miss you too. Are things okay there?” He asks. He’d asked Dan to call and check in. Though he hadn’t really expected him to do it. Not while he was around his family. But the lightness in Dan’s tone made Phil think that maybe there weren’t many people around at the moment. “You sound good.” He smiles. It’s such a relief. There was no telling how something like this could go. Hospital visits were never any good. At least, not in Phil’s experience. Hospitals meant hurt, and harm, and grief. Realistically he knew that they also meant joy, and miracles, and good, happy news. But Phil hadn’t seen that side of things much.  
10:50  
May 🌈  
Dan has to wonder exactly how Phil's doing home alone right now. Is he self-destructing like Dan does when he's home alone without Phil? "It's okay. Yeah, it's- Actually, it's really good. I should have listened to you. It's just me and my grandma today. We got everyone else to go home." Dan wishes he could give Phil a hug just about now. Spending a whole day apart isn't exactly part of their usual schedule. It's strange that Phil isn't at Dan's side or maybe down the hall. He's a few towns over. "I've just been talking with my Grandma. It's really nice. I can't remember the last time it was just the two of us. She's feeling loads better already," Dan adds. There's nothing wrong with Dan's grandpa, he just can't open up to him the way he can his grandma. And, boy, is he opening up. It feels so freeing and lovely. Everything is okay, Phil can sleep knowing he won't miss anything big. Dan wants so badly to know if Phil's actually slept, but decides not to draw attention to that. "Has your day been alright?"   
10:56  
Charlie 🎄  
Hearing Dan say those things lifts a huge weight from Phil’s chest. It’s not easy for Dan to visit home, so to hear that it’s going well is really, really good. “My day’s been just fine.” He smiles. “I got some filming done, tidied up a bit, nothing exciting.” He says. Phil handles being alone better than Dan does, he thinks. He finds ways to keep busy, and keep distracted. Sometimes the quiet is nice. Sometimes it’s unsettling. But today, it’s not so bad. Phil feels a little better than yesterday, when his stress reached a boiling point. Once he’d gotten all that out of his system, it really did do wonders. He doesn’t mention that he’s been trying to nap. Because then Dan will rush off the phone, and Phil wants to talk to him a while longer. “So your grandma is okay? She’s feeling alright?” He asks. She must be doing well if Dan’s so chipper. “Have they said when she’ll get to go home?”  
11:05  
May 🌈  
Dan has to roll his eyes and suppress a laugh at the thought of Phil filming after literally not sleeping for two nights. Dan has to see that footage, "Yeah, just don't post anything until I have a look at it. You get a bit silly when you're completely exhausted." Dan feels like himself again. Dan nods like Phil can see him, "Yeah, she's okay. They'll figure it out today once they run some tests or something. I just spoke with a nurse about it. I mean, she'll need help. Honestly. My granddad is older than she is, he can't take proper care of her. And you know, my mum is just…" Dan sighs at the thought, "I just think I need to be there more. I'm thinking about visiting a few times a week. At least to start. We need to move her bedroom downstairs and get her on a better diet and maybe do physical therapy and it's just… a lot. Mum can't do all that and Grandma doesn't want, like, a caregiver." Dan doesn't seem overwhelmed by it. It's obviously upsetting, but it's okay. "I'm just glad she's okay. Like, so fucking happy. She's feeling a bit down right now, I think, but she's okay."  
11:14  
Charlie 🎄  
The absolute very last thing Phil expected to get out of this conversation was Dan actually, verbally saying that he’d like to spend more time at home. A few times a *week* at that. Phil almost wondered if he was speaking to the right man. “Woah. You’re... that is a lot, love.” He says. Phil has to wonder if that’s a promise Dan will keep. Surely one bad visit will send him right back to London, where he’ll want to stay. Phil’s not sure if Dan’s ready for the kind of commitment he’s making, but he’s certainly proud that Dan is considering it at all. If this had happened last year, or any year before this one, Phil knows Dan would never have even offered. “You’re sure you feel up to that?” Phil asks. He knows what it’s like, how difficult it can be, to look after someone like that. When his dad was at his worst, he needed a lot of help. With things as basic, and as personal, as getting dressed, or having a shower, or shaving. Nobody on earth *wanted* to help their father button up his trousers. But that’s what you did, when someone needed you. At least, that’s what Phil did. And it certainly wasn’t easy. It was as emotionally draining as it was physically. Though it seemed Dan’s grandma wouldn’t need quite that much help, it was still a lot to do for someone.  
11:55  
May 🌈  
Dan really has quite the reputation. He sighs, wishing that weren't the case. It's okay, though. Dan is so much better now. "I need to be here for her. The nurses are saying she needs a lot of help. She has a broken ankle, she can't even walk on her own. If she falls down or something, Mum and Grandpa can't help her. They don't know how to cook healthy food, I don't think my Grandma has ever even tried kale. Like." Dan shrugs, "I can't just leave her if she needs me. I can't. At the very least, I'll get her out of the house for a while so she can get some air." Dan knows this is probably too much for Phil right now, but he wants Phil to know he's on top of this. He can do this on his own. "I can get Adrian to come over and make his açai bowls or take her out or whatever." Dan's getting off topic, "I feel better. I'm on really good meds now, I'm not exactly doing anything else, and I just… I miss my grandma. I want to spend more time with her." Phil will understand. Of course he will, he knows Dan better than anyone, but he's been here. He nearly lost his father just a few years ago. Phil knows.   
12:02  
Charlie 🎄  
It’s a massive turnaround for Dan in a short amount of time. Just mere days ago he’d have scoffed at the idea of spending an entire day with his family, let alone multiple days a week. But if this is what Dan wanted, Phil fully understood. It was a different situation, different circumstances, but the idea was the same. Dan wanted to be there for someone who meant a lot to him. Phil couldn’t deny him that. “So, are you staying for a few days, then?” He asks. Maybe Dan will stay a while, help her get home and get settled in, and then maybe he’ll come home for a few days. They can work with that. A few days together, a few days apart. Just until his grandma was back on her feet again, and maybe even after that, if things went well. Phil understood the situation that Dan was in. They’d work with it. They’d figure it all out. “Did you pack enough? Do you need me to bring you anything?” He offers. Dan had only planned to stay the night, Phil thought. He might need more clothes, more meds, to get him through.  
12:32  
May 🌈  
"Honestly, I don't know yet. I didn't get much of a chance to talk with my granddad about it," Dan admits. He was so exhausted by the time Dan made an appearance, Dan didn't want to push him on any details. "Right now, I think I just want to be sure someone will be with her at the hospital until she can go home. It could be as soon as tomorrow morning. I think if I can get Adrian to stay here tonight, I want to go home for the night. I don't think I should try sleeping here. With my meds, you know?" Dan would be nervous to fall asleep here without Phil, knowing he's extremely difficult to wake at night. "It's a quick enough ride on the underground. I'll get up early again and be here before anyone wakes up and I'll help her get situated at home. It worked really well today. Granddad actually finally went home to sleep." That, Dan didn't actually expect at all. He would've thought the old man would be stuck at his wife's side, but it turns out he trusts Dan enough to look out for her. Which, like, fair enough he doesn't particularly trust Adrian to stick around or Karen to stay stable for her, but Dan doesn't know what he did to earn his grandfather's trust. Maybe he was just very tired. "I'll call Adrian soon and talk to him about it."   
12:39  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods, though he realizes soon enough that Dan needs a verbal response. “Alright, love. Just let me know. If there’s anything you need, or anything I can do.” He says. “For any of you.” He adds. Because it’s more than just Dan, going through this. Phil knows that everyone else would probably prefer he stay in London, but still. The offer is there. Phil will help, if he‘s needed. Phil just doesn’t dislike people. Not really. He has every right to dislike Dan’s family, all things considered. But he doesn’t. They’ve never done anything to him. And in reality, that family, dysfunctional as it may be, had given Phil the best gift in the world. Without them, there’d be no Dan, and Phil didn’t want to think about what his life would be like then. They gave him Dan. And in return, he could give his support. Even though it might not be wanted. “Let me know if you’re coming home tonight, okay? I’ll meet you at the station.” He promises.  
12:55  
May 🌈  
"I love you," Dan smiles, thinking about his conversation with his grandma. "Hey," Dan changes topics, "My grandma likes you. We were talking about you." He knows that probably spikes Phil's anxiety more than soothes it, so he continues quickly, "She was asking about you. She wants to, like, properly meet you. That's- Like, no pressure or anything?" Dan doesn't know how to do this. He chuckles at himself for acting like a teenager with a new boyfriend, "Sorry. Just. I don't know, it kind of came out of nowhere. She was feeling a bit down, I guess, about the whole hospital thing. Anyway, only if you want to. Like, someday. Or whenever. Whatever." This is all so awkward. Dan isn't a gangly teenager, but he sure feels like one. It's a bit late to bring Phil home to meet his family, but maybe his grandma doesn't think it's too late at all. "She said I should bring you over sometimes when I'm visiting. I can get my granddad to take my mum out to see a film or something. So it's just us. Maybe. If you want."   
13:02  
Charlie 🎄  
Dan’s right. Just the knowledge that he was being talked about was enough to twist Phil’s stomach a little. But surely Dan wouldn’t be so cheerful if bad things were being said. So Phil’s little burst of nervousness passed as quickly as it came, and he listened to Dan stutter and trip awkwardly over his words for a moment. Phil was surprised. He’d met Dan’s family before, in the technical sense of the word. In the sense that he’d said the words “hi, I’m Phil” to each of them, at least once. But he didn’t think he’d ever *properly* met any of them, ever. He had kind of settled on the fact that he never would. So to have Dan’s grandma specifically asking for him, was beyond intimidating. “Do you want that?” He asks, when Dan is finished. “It’s one thing if she wants to meet me, but... do you want me to meet her?” He asks again. He doesn’t want Dan to put himself in an uncomfortable position just because she asked. But of all the Howells, Phil knew he probably had the best chance at getting her approval. Not that he needed it. He was going to love Dan and be with him regardless. But it would be kind of nice to be liked, even just by one person.  
13:12  
May 🌈  
Dan promises gently, "I trust her. And I love her. Like, I…" He takes a moment or two to think through his feelings in the matter. "It just all happened all of a sudden. She said that… You make me really happy." He really wishes he could hold Phil's hand just about now, "She's really proud of us for coming out. And she knows we're going to be together forever. It isn't anything like my parents, she just wants me to be happy. It was really normal. Weirdly." Dan's family is not normal and does not handle things in normal, healthy ways. "I want things to be sort of normal. If they can be. Like they are with your family. You're my two favorite people, I want things to be… good," Dan speaks softly. "But I don't want you to do this unless you want to and you're comfortable with it. It's okay. I'm just glad she is being so lovely about it. About you." Dan adds, "We talked a little bit about my mum, and Nan said we can just keep it between us. Just, don't freak out about it, yeah? I'm just excited. That's all. I feel like things are getting better."  
13:19  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil doesn’t think he’s ever heard Dan talk about anyone in his family this way. Not even his grandma. Phil know it must take an astronomical amount of love to convince Dan that any part of his family situation is improving. Hell, it’s taken Phil ten years. Ten years worth of love and affection to break through Dan’s walls. And he wasn’t even all the way there yet. So to hear Dan say that he was *excited* for Phil to meet his grandma, was more than enough to convince Phil. “Of course, love. Yeah. Just, whenever you want, okay? Once she gets back, and feels better. I’ll... we can do that.” He agrees. No amount of discomfort or anxiety will stop Phil from doing this for Dan. This is a massive step, and Phil will not deny this type of progress. “I’m so happy to hear this, Dan. You have no idea. I’m so, so glad you’re enjoying your visit with her. That’s so great.” He smiled. Part of Phil expected Dan home by dinner. He almost expected Dan to get there, have one unpleasant conversation, and leave again. This is so, so far from what he expected.  
21:44  
May 🌈  
Dan has a big grin on his face he doesn't think is going away anytime soon. He clarifies, "You don't have to. Like, at all. It's up to you. Also, I love you. So much." He really does miss Phil dearly, so he expects to be home this evening. Ten hours with his grandma will be more than enough for his grandpa and mother to sleep and rest Everything will work out perfectly. Dan will fix things with his grandparents and Adrian, at least. That will fix things with Phil because Dan will have something outside of Phil, but not really, because maybe Phil can be part of this family, too. Maybe everything Dan is is not ugly and dirty and dark and evil, maybe it can be good now. One big problem with the idea of Dan proposing is that he wants to do it right now. He doesn't want to keep anything from Phil, he wants to tell him how badly he wants to marry him. "It's really good. I know, like, objectively, everything should be terrible, but I just don't feel that way. Like, it's going to be okay, you know?" Dan hasn't felt this optimistic in a really long time. He can't recall the last he felt this light. Underneath it all, he wants to run home and kiss Phil, because he misses him deeply. "Is that stupid?"  
21 December 2019  
03:39  
Charlie 🎄  
“Of course it’s not stupid, love.” Phil says. He doesn’t know what the woman could possibly have said to him to make him feel this way for the first time in the ten years Phil has known him. But whatever it was, it really did work. “It is going to be okay. We’re gonna make the best of it.” He promised. Dan deserves to have a relationship with his family. At least, some of them. Even if that’s just his grandma and his brother, that’s a start. Phil knows his mum might be more difficult, and his dad could be impossible, but Dan deserved to have *someone*. He had Phil too, of course. And Phil’s family, and all of their friends. But Phil didn’t think Dan would ever feel whole if he didn’t have his family too. “I love you, Dan. And I’m really, really proud of you for this, you know that? This is massive.” He added. He knew Dan, and he knew that all of this positivity and optimism may not last forever. He might change his mind on some things, he might struggle with these new promises he’d made, but if that was the case, they’d figure it out. They always figured it out.  
19:43  
May 🌈  
At the end of the day, Dan just needs to be loved and accepted. Beyond all the complex ways Dan's issues manifest through depression and anxiety, at its core, Dan just needs that love he didn't get as a kid. Dan's grandma wanting to meet Phil obviously won't heal him, but right now, he certainly isn't feeling depressed. Phil is proud of him. Phil needs space and he needs Dan to fix things with his family, and now Dan can do that, so Phil can be happy and things can be even better between them. Dan wants nothing more in the world than Phil's wellbeing and happiness. No more of Dan's depression, no more of Phil's anxiety, no more subtly missing his grandma and her maternal love. That's quite a bit of very high quality fixes in just a few short hours. "I love you, Phil," Dan beams. "I just. Yeah." He laughs a little, just feeling light and happy. "Thank you so much." He whines, "I really miss you, baby." Dan sighs brightly, "I should call Adrian. I'll text you when I find out if he can stay or not. I can bring home takeout or something tonight if you want."   
19:50  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles to himself, so beyond relieved to hear Dan sounding so light and happy. Who knows how long it will last, but even if it’s only for today, Dan deserves it. He deserves to feel happy and light when he visits home. That’s what home is supposed to feel like. “I love you too, so much. And I’m proud of you. Just call me when you’re on your way, I’ll meet you.” He promises again. “Or let me know if you’re staying.” He adds. Whatever Dan wants to do tonight is just fine by Phil. Sleeping alone might not be something Phil preferred, but he could certainly suck it up for a night or two if it meant Dan was going to be this happy. “I know you probably won’t need it, but remember to call me if you need me to come there.” He reminded again, though his tone wasn’t so anxious now. This conversation had been incredibly calming. And with this, he might actually be able to have that nap. He’d still leave his phone on full blast, right next to his ear, but at least he had the comfort of knowing Dan was doing very well, at least for now.  
22 December 2019  
11:25  
May 🌈  
"Okay," Dan agrees softly. Phil doesn't sound anxious, he sounds happy, too. Dan doesn't want to come off the phone, but he knows he should return to his grandma and Phil should try to sleep. Dan hesitates before finishing up the phone call, knowing he'll miss Phil even more once he can't hear his voice anymore. "Thank you. Text me once you've actually gotten some sleep. Okay?" He'll be cozying up extra close to Phil tonight. He wants so badly to hold him, but all he can do right now is say, "I love you. Miss you. I'll see you soon, sweetheart." And that's that. Dan is never a fan of hanging up the phone with Phil, but it's especially bitter this time. He texts a heart emoji to him to relieve some of his longing before picking up some food for himself and his grandma, and heading back upstairs to her room.

"Special delivery," Dan knocks lightly on the door, checking to be sure his grandma isn't asleep. She could use the rest, he's sure. She's been through an awfully rough few days.  
11:33  
Charlie 🎄  
While Dan is gone, she manages to enjoy exactly three minutes of relative quiet before two nurses enter, once again checking all her tubes and wires, asking more silly questions, and then, excitingly enough, they want her to get up. With assistance, of course, but they want to test her strength and see how she can manage with her crutches. It’s in the middle of all this that Dan returns, and she smiles at him as she sits up on the edge of her bed. “You came back just in time, they’ve decided to let me stand up.” She chuckles. One nurse is demonstrating the use of the crutches, as if they aren’t quite simple to figure out, while the other finally unhooks her from some of the awful beeping monitors. They trust her old ticker not to give out, she supposed.

“We’re just going to take Nan for a little walk, my dear.” One of the nurses says to Dan. “Figure out what will be best to help her get around at home.” She explains. Crutches are the least bulky, as long as she keeps the weight off of her bad foot, which can be difficult as people age. If she can’t hold herself well with one leg, then they’ll have to settle on a wheelchair for a few weeks.  
12:16  
May 🌈  
Despite the gleeful atmosphere of the hospital room, Dan can't help the deer-in-the-headlights feeling that takes over him for a long moment. He doesn't like it. His grandma can walk just fine, she's a young grandma. Dan doesn't like the hospital gown now on full display, he doesn't like the ugly, metal crutches to be under her arms, sure to bruise her soft skin, and he does not like the nurses hovering over her, however nice they may be, because they're strangers and Dan left his grandma totally alone with them. He has to stop that particular thought pattern and remind himself this is just anxiety. It's how Phil thinks all the time, and that is not in any way healthy or realistic. The nurses just want to help, Dan's grandma is doing just fine, and she sent him away on purpose so she could have some solitude. Everything is fine. The nurses are professionals, they know what they're doing. Dan sets down the tray of food before responding, "That's exciting. Just in time for the show." He manages a light smile as he carefully tucks his worries away. Despite the many band-aids on her arms with circular bruises sticking out of them, it is nice to see his grandma without any wires sticking out of her skin. "Can I give a hand?" He's unsure exactly how frequently these nurses handle families as tall as Dan's. His mother is the shortest, and she's only a few inches short of six foot. Dan keeps imagining his nan stumbling and being just a wee too heavy or a wee too off balance for the nurses to properly catch her. He tries not to let himself be affected by that fear, but it's a very real possibility. She just looks so shaky and fragile, sitting there in a paper gown rolling her eyes as a nurse explains to her the process of using crutches.   
12:26  
Charlie 🎄  
“We’re headed up the hall, if you could follow behind with the wheelchair? Just in case she needs a rest.” One nurse suggests. “Here’s a robe for you, love, those old gowns aren’t very warm.” She adds, assisting the older woman in donning the robe. She accepts the help, though begrudgingly. “We’ll just do a quick loop around the unit, yeah? Or as far as you can go.” She says. “Then back here for your lunch.” She smiles, making a mental note to have someone keep an eye, see how she’d take the solid food.

“Goodness, this is dignified, isn’t it?” She shook her head, catching a look at herself in the mirror in her flimsy gown and robe, bare legs sticking out, and a pair of ugly hospital socks with the little stickies on the bottom. Not to mention her hair a proper mess. She’s never looked older, she thinks. But she ought to cheer up. This was all very good news, good progress. There was just an inherent humiliation about being paraded around the halls in such a state. But, she supposed she’s had worse. “Daniel, don’t ever break your legs if you can help it.” She says, standing on one slightly wobbly leg with a bit of help from the two lovely nurses. It didn’t particularly help that her ‘good’ leg was on her weakened side. But at least it was functional, if not a bit heavy.  
12:56  
May 🌈  
Dan agrees easily and waits patiently with the wheelchair as his grandmother has her dramatic moment. At least Dan knows where he gets it from. He does miss her pearls she always seems to have on. She looks so strange without them, or her simple dresses that make her look so refined and dignified. It isn't that she looks ugly now, Dan doesn't think she's ever ugly. She just looks sick and not quite herself, and Dan knows she's uncomfortable with it all, and that makes Dan nervous. "Is the Queen popping by for a visit today?" Dan asks playfully, trying his best to raise her spirits. "That's too bad, I'll have to cancel my Friday night plans." Dan can see her leg shaking, even from his position over the other side of the bed, as all he can do is be ready to catch her and be as discreet as possible. He's really glad nobody else is here to see. He knows his grandfather would be grouchy with anxiety about her, pushing for the wheelchair, which would only make his grandmother more stubbornly fight to walk against her better judgment. Dan knows her better judgment is in there somewhere. "Hey, how's the weather up there, Nan?" Dan teases lovingly. She's never been self-conscious of her height. She's a proud woman; maybe if Dan can make her laugh a bit, it will take her mind off things.   
13:07  
Charlie 🎄  
She does have to smile a bit at her silly grandson, though she can’t focus too much on that, as she has to focus more than she’d like to on getting her balance. The crutches are a bit awkward to handle, even after the nurse adjusts them for her height, and she knows they’ll make her arms sore if she uses them too long. But once she‘s balanced, and all the little adjustments are made, she makes her first couple of steps towards the door of the room. The nurses stand at either side, ready to pounce if she stumbles, and Dan follows along behind, surely feeling nervous. She feels a bit of a need to prove herself. Though her leg is weak, and the cast on the other is quite heavy, and she makes it only a few steps out the door before she finds her toes dragging along the floor. By instinct, she puts her foot down, though her plaster cast isn’t meant to hold any weight, and her leg makes that painful protest known. She lifts the bad foot again, taking a moment to steady herself, and tries again. But her weak leg has a heaviness to it, and she finds herself quite unstable after a few more steps.

“Why don’t we take a break, have a seat, dear, rest up a moment.” The nurse says, gesturing Dan a bit closer with the chair, and encouraging her to sit. It’s quite discouraging, not being able to get around without the help of three other people. “You’re doing well!” The nurse assured her. “It takes practice, and you haven’t been moving around much the last couple days.” She reminded.  
21:40  
May 🌈  
Realistically, she does better than anyone should have expected, but Dan didn't expect this to be so difficult to watch. He already has the chair pulled up behind her legs when the nurse instructs him to do so, feeling a tad hypervigilant at the moment. "Nan," Dan murmurs. He has a gentle hand on her back when she sets her damaged foot down, knowing that must hurt, even with all the pain killers she's on. "Right here, Grandma, we've got you," Dan speaks softly. He wishes they could wait to do this until she's feeling properly better, but if this is what she wants, all Dan can do is be here to support her. Dan knows the nurses means well, but there's something so wrong about someone telling Dan's grandma she needs practice walking. She's been walking her whole life, she knows how to walk. Dan recognises he's just feeling sensitive right now. "Are you okay? Did you hurt your ankle?" He rests a hand on his grandma's shoulder when she's finally sat down, wishing he could do more to help.   
21:54  
Charlie 🎄  
“Oh, I’m alright dear.” She says, peering up at Dan with a smile. This is more difficult for him than it is for her, she thinks. “These old things are just a little strange, is all. I’ve never had to use them, in all my years.” She reasons. She’s never had any reason to learn how to walk on crutches. And it might be easier, if she was younger, and stronger. But with two bum legs, it was more of a challenge. Her ankle did ache a little, from her misstep. But it wasn’t anything she’d complain too much about. “Right, should we go again?” She asked, looking around at the nurses for a bit of guidance. She wanted to practice. Her home just wasn’t any good for a wheelchair. There were a set of steps up to the front porch, and the rooms were just too small for a bulky wheelchair to get around well. She wanted the crutches. So, she was just going to have to get good at them.  
23 December 2019  
11:08  
May 🌈  
Dan returns her smile, thinking about how strange it is to look down at her like this. All of this is strange, but they'll manage. Dan knows how strong his grandma is. She'll pull through this. Soon enough, she's learning quite well to walk with crutches. She isn't quite strong enough now to go all that far, but the nurses say she'll develop her strength with time. Later on, her doctor stops by to do an assessment and decides she can go home the day after tomorrow. Dan is so relieved to have her out of here sooner than expected. Crutches for short distances on good days, wheelchair for longer distances and bad days. Fair enough. It's a lovely day, all in all. Dan doesn't have to see his mum at all, which is a gift. Adrian returns that evening to stay the night with their grandmother so Dan can go home and rest. Adrian is happy with the arrangement. He can sleep anywhere, but he can't keep up his athletic schedule if he's stuck here in the hospital all day. Dan plans to stop by his grandparents' house early tomorrow morning to check in with his grandfather and prepare the house for his grandmother, then return to the hospital to spend another day with his grandma. It all goes better than Dan could have expected. When Adrian arrives at the end of the day, Dan texts Phil, 'Adrian's here, so I'll leave in a few. Takeaway? :)' Dan is so, so tired, but he isn't sad. He feels good. He's just excited to get home to see Phil. He's about hit his threshold of dealing with people who are not Phil. Dan gives his family hugs and promises to return tomorrow before heading out with his hands in his pockets. Surely, it will start snowing any minute.  
12:25  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil’s day really isn’t as bad as he had expected it to be, all things considered. After his phone call with Dan, he felt calm enough to have a quick nap, that lasted nearly 4 hours. He scrambled out of bed when he awoke, though he had no real reason to. He just felt like he shouldn’t spend all day in bed. Instead, he spent the afternoon sat on the couch, answering emails he’d been neglecting, and doing a bit of editing. He even managed to change his clothes and film a second video, by the end of the day. He figured it would be a good idea to get ahead while he was having a good day. It was always good to have a video or two ready to go in advance, just in case something came up. And things had been coming up a lot lately. Phil was never really the type to keep up with what their audience was saying, but surely they’d noticed. There wasn’t much they didn’t notice. His anxiety did begin to creep in again, later in the day, when the sun began to set, and he still hadn’t heard from Dan. He didn’t want to call, in case he was still busy with his nan, but he was getting worried. He was curled up on the sofa under a blanket, with some show on the tv that he wasn’t really watching, when his phone lit up. The text was just enough to relieve his worrying, and he smiled. ‘I’ll meet you at the station and we’ll get something on the way home. Love you ❤️’ Phil sends his message in return, and sits up again, glad to know that Dan will be home soon. It’s been a long day without him, and Phil wants nothing more than to curl up with him and make sure he’s feeling okay.  
13:57  
May 🌈  
'Love you bby 😘' Luckily, Dan has a very uneventful ride back on the tube. He feels insecure, but at least Phil isn't here. Homophobes can do what they want to Dan, he can handle that, but involving Phil in all that is just not something Dan can allow. There are some drunk men on the tube, per usual, but they don't pay Dan any mind. The thought of Phil waiting alone in the station worries Dan more than anything else. Maybe they're just safer apart where they can pass. The ride is quick as ever and soon, Dan is peering out at that familiar head of short hair, however lighter in color, over a small crowd of people. Dan just wants to wrap him up in his arms, but decides maybe it's best to wait until they're at least out of the subway station. "Hey, you," Dan greets Phil with a big smile. Phil still looks exhausted, but he looks a lot more alive than he did yesterday. Dan rubs Phil's arm soothingly for a moment and keeps walking with him, preferring not to stop and make any kind of spectacle in front of those lads he rode here with. "How are you? I missed you."  
14:05  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil is just happy to see Dan again, looking happy. Hearing him happy on the phone was one thing, but seeing it in person was undeniable. “I’m good, I was pretty productive today.” He chuckles, waiting until they’re out of the station and more off on their own before he lets his fingertips gently brush against Dan’s hand as they walk together. It’s just a silent little question. A tiny gesture that anyone watching might not notice, but just enough that Dan would feel it, and he’d know what Phil was asking. It was okay if Dan didn’t feel comfortable. They’d made a lot of progress lately. And holding hands in the park in broad daylight was a little different than holding hands on the streets of London after dark. But the offer was there, if Dan wanted it. “How was your day? Good, I’m guessing?” He smiled. It must have been good, if Dan still looked so happy. His grandma must be doing well, and getting lots of good news. And Phil was happy about that. He knew how important she was to Dan. And Dan had been through enough lately. He didn’t need the stress and grief of losing a loved one. But it seemed like that wasn’t going to happen.  
14:42  
May 🌈  
"Yeah, you said you were filming, right? I've got to see that footage when we get home," Dan can't help but laugh a little at the thought of Phil filming after several days of little to no sleep. He's done it before, and the result is always a ridiculous mess, but still usually funny enough to post. With the disclaimer that Phil was tired or drunk or something. Phil is quite the performer. He's just so lovely, Dan thinks, as Phil touches his hand in a silent request to hold his hand. They've been apart all day, they deserve to at least hold hands. Dan checks over Phil's shoulder to be sure they're safe before intertwining his fingers with Phil's. It feels really nice beyond the layers of anxiety it adds to Dan's psyche. He'll get over it. "It was okay, yeah," Dan smiles tiredly. "I didn't see my mum at all, so. Success." He adds, "And my granddad finally got some sleep after, like, two days. I need to leave really early tomorrow morning so I can check on him before I visit my grandma. I also need to help move things around before she comes home the day after next. Her bedroom needs to be moved downstairs, so my mum will take the master bedroom." It's a lot of work. "But my grandma is doing pretty well. She really wants to go home." Dan asks quickly, "Did you have anything in mind? For food? I'm literally so hungry."   
14:50  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, squeezing Dan’s hand in soft reassurance, and listens to him talk about his day. He’s a little surprised to hear that Dan is going back first thing in the morning. He figured Dan might want a day of rest before going back again. But something about this visit seems to have left him a changed man. If it’s what Dan wants, Phil will never protest. “I’m not sure what’s still open.” Phil hums when Dan asks about food. It is getting kind of late. But surely they can find a takeaway place or a little restaurant to slip into on their way back. “Have you eaten today?” Phil asks, his anxiety bubbling up again for a moment at the thought that Dan had gone all this time without eating anything. Not that it would be a big deal, but Phil always worried about that sort of thing. They’d stop somewhere and have something to eat. Then they could get home, and have some tea, and cuddle up, and get some proper rest. It was hard to say what tomorrow might bring. But at least they could try to prepare for it as best they could.  
15:18  
May 🌈  
"You know where we haven't gone in the longest time? You remember that weird Thai place we used to go to when we first moved in? We got all those spring rolls, it was so good. We must have eaten at least thirty. I wonder if they're still open," Dan thinks aloud as they walk down the street. It becomes less rowdy and loud as they get further and further from the station. "Yeah, I did, but honestly, babe, I am so fucking tired of hospital food." This is Dan's limit. Years of overnight hospital stays with Nigel, and Dan has never once complained, but two days with his grandma and he's over the food, at least. All Dan wants is to eat something unhealthy and curl into bed with his baby. When they're pretty close to alone on the street, Dan gives Phil a peck on his cheek, "It's really good to be home. I missed you." He doesn't know how he's going to get through tomorrow without Phil's cold hand in his own, or his beautiful smile, or his warm eyes, or his laugh, or the rest of him that Dan loves so very much. Dan will just have to get his fill tonight and deal with whatever tomorrow has to offer. As long as Phil is okay, Dan will survive.  
15:25  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods. That place is on their way, if he remembers correctly. They’ll stop and see if it’s open. The best way they could possibly end this night, is like this. Full, and warm, and together. That’s all Phil wants. He doesn’t mind days like this usually, when they’re both busy doing different things. He doesn’t mind spending a day alone. But he always loves to curl up with Dan at the end of it, and know that he’s home. There’s something so comforting about the familiarity of Dan’s arms around him. The warm, sweet smell of his skin, and the way his nose whistles when he sleeps, and the knowledge that when he wakes up in the morning, it will be with Dan at his side. Days without Dan are okay. Nights without him feel a little more lonely. “I missed you too.” Phil says after a moment. “How early are you leaving tomorrow?” He asks. He knows Dan wants to check on his granddad too. Help with the house and make sure things are all set in place for his nan when she gets home. But he needs to rest, and look after himself too.  
17:47  
May 🌈  
"Um. I don't know. Adrian usually starts his runs quite early, so I'll probably leave here at, like, 6:30. Just so I can at least switch the beds and bring down my grandma's clothes," Dan explains. He is not an early bird, but when he is, it's because he wants to watch a sunrise with Phil. It won't be incredibly pleasant, especially the part where Dan has to leave Phil behind. "I'll come home earlier tomorrow, too, if I can. I'll be proper knackered." Dan feels exhausted just at the thought. "It'll get easier once she's settled at home. It's just stressful getting adjusted. I think she really needs me right now. And I need to be there for her." Dan takes a deep breath, "She was getting existential for a bit today. She was talking about my mum and I, and my stupid dad, and my video, and grandma not being around anymore…" Dan shrugs like he's trying to get a kink out of his neck, "I just really need to be there. I don't want to leave her alone for a while." Dan wants to be home with Phil and you about their lives, but he can't until he knows his grandma will be okay. Dan backtracks suddenly, "Oh, there it is." He points to the Thai restaurant he mentioned before. Still as run down, yet busy as ever. Dan remembers feeling equally run down last he was here. Moving takes a lot out of Dan. His home is the only place he really feels at all safe, so having everything in boxes and on a truck really disturbs him.  
17:56  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil squeezes Dan’s hand again. He was a little younger when his grandparents passed. One grandfather died when Phil was very young. So the only real memories Phil has of him are faint. His wife, Phil’s grandma, had passed before he was born. On his dads side, he did know his grandparents quite well. But his grandma passed when he was maybe ten or eleven, and his grandpa, when he was a teenager. He’d been young enough that none of them had that sort of talk with him. He didn’t think he’d want to have that talk with anyone. His dad never spoke about dying much. If he mentioned it at all, it usually wasn’t in any serious capacity. At his very worst, death seemed to be a topic he avoided at any cost, as if talking about it would bring it on faster. But before Phil could think too deeply on that, Dan had pointed out the restaurant they were looking for, and Phil smiled lightly. “That’s the one.” He said. They’d come here quite frequently when they first moved to London. It was close to their old London flat, and, it was pretty dirt cheap. Which was exactly what they needed when they were young and taking a huge financial gamble on their futures by accepting a radio show, of all things. And now, while they might be able to afford to eat somewhere fancier, this place was still one of Phil’s favourites.  
20:57  
May 🌈  
"Okay, I feel old now, we have to go," Dan jokes as he takes a seat at a table away from any windows, the same one they used to sit at when they first moved in. Dan forgets why they stopped coming here. Maybe it was one of the casualties of one of Dan's guilt-induced health kicks. Every so often, he gets the feeling Adrian is just better than him, and he feels the need to catch up to him. That couldn't be further from the truth, and it hasn't really taken a toll on Dan in a long time. Every so often, though, he pushes for a vegan restaurant or tries to prepare for a marathon. Dan really needs to work on that. "I remember your order. Chow mein, pad thai, orange chicken with extra sauce, and all those spring rolls we shared. Can't remember my own order, though. I'll just guess." Phil always could eat his weight twice over. Granted, he shared it all with Dan. It always starts with a 'babe, have a bite, it's so good' and ends with a 'I don't think I can finish this all on my own.' Phil's been so good for Dan, who has always felt the need to be smaller and quieter and less than he could ever be. Dan thinks he very well might have developed Adrian's destructive motivational tendencies if it weren't for Phil's bad influence. Dan is more grateful for Phil than he'll ever know. Dan feels a wave of nostalgia come over him, but much more than any longing for the past, Dan just feels lucky to be where he is with Phil. "Alright, tell me about the videos you filmed? The anticipation, it's killing me," Dan laughs a little at just the thought of all the slurred words repeated a dozen times and all the zoning out Phil tends to do when he's sleepy and anxious. Dan loves getting to experience those silly moments with Phil. He likes bringing Phil in close and letting him have as long a moment as he needs to think in the quiet.   
24 December 2019  
05:24  
Charlie 🎄  
This place definitely brings something back. The last time they were here, their lives were so very different. Their careers were taking off, doors were opening for them left and right. Their fame, if you could call it that, was at its peak, and they were kind of on top of the world. Except that they weren’t. It was at the peak of all that, right in the middle of the busiest time of their lives, that Dan felt his worst. He’d been freshly diagnosed with his depression, but had not yet started taking its treatment seriously. It was around this time that both of them started entertaining the idea of coming out. The whole world knew already. Why not just say it? Phil had been in what felt like a constant copyright battle for two years after what was supposed to be a private, very personal video had been released in a YouTube glitch. Their online audience was at their most observant, and their least respectful. Things were good, and things were so, so bad. So it was a little bit eerie to be back here. This place had a lot of ghosts too. And if he closed his eyes, it’s like he could feel two younger versions of themselves sitting here next to them in this booth. Phil got so lost in that train of thought, that Dan’s question about his videos didn’t properly register. “You used to get the curry, with a side of the fried rice.” He says after a moment, smiling over at Dan. “You always said it’s all you wanted. And then we’d end up sharing half of mine anyway.” He smiled. Dan had a different relationship with food, back then. On his bad mental days, he would either completely overeat until he was sick, or he’d eat barely anything at all. Even on good days, he sometimes just felt... almost guilty, it seemed. About eating. Phil never quite understood that. But he didn’t have to. He just had to make sure Dan was eating enough and staying healthy. Which was something he thankfully didn’t worry about as much anymore.  
07:56  
May 🌈  
Dan hasn't thought about that Valentine's Day video in a very long time. It was something so beautiful and precious to Dan that was sort of taken from him. He doesn't watch it with quite the same animosity now. He watches it from time to time and just pretends it's only his, like the others are. Dan loves Phil with more than love. He has to make the Italy trip happen one of these days. Phil needs a break. He's building up so much anxiety, Dan isn't sure how much more he can take. Dan decides he doesn't care if anyone sees and holds Phil's hand over the table. Phil is quiet tonight, probably still exhausted, and he needs Dan right now. Dan can be here for Phil. If he can be there for his grandma and just about everyone else, he can be here for his beautiful, lovely partner. "Why don't we get it to go?" Dan runs the pad of his thumb over Phil's knuckles very gently. He has an affectionate smile on his face. He knows Phil is struggling with his thoughts right now, so it's probably best to take him home straight away. "I'm tired," he gives Phil an easy out. Dan doesn't need any excuses or apologies, he just wants what he knows is best for Phil. Phil's doing that zoning out again like he tends to do when he's a proper mess. Dan wants him to be able to comfortably think through whatever is going on in there, but not if it's something that will only cause Phil more anxiety.   
08:04  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil meets Dan’s eyes, and he gives a tiny, grateful smile, and he nods. “Yeah, lets do that.” He agrees. Phil doesn’t mind staying. He just can’t help but think about the past in places like this. He was a very nostalgic person. And not always in the happy, lighthearted way. Nostalgia had a painful side too. When certain places, or situations, took you back to a place in your life that was more stressful than fun. Phil was grateful for every moment he’d gotten to spend with Dan. He was grateful for every memory they had together, and he wouldn’t change anything for the world. But that didn’t change the fact that some memories were just hard to think about. And tonight, Phil didn’t really want to be here, surrounded by these particular memories, in a place that was so significant to them, or at least, to a certain period in their lives. Maybe another day. But tonight, he just wanted to be at home. With Dan. For these handful of hours before he’d be up with the sun and off to his family again. Phil was proud of him, for doing all this. But he was going to keep a close eye on Dan. Phil knew how easy it was to spread yourself too thin. To give too much, to too many people. He was such a bad example, and he didn’t want Dan to fall into those same bad habits.  
08:17  
May 🌈  
When the waitress attends to their table, Dan gladly orders for the both of them, knowing Phil hates talking to strangers. When she leaves, Dan bravely joins Phil on his side of the table just so they can be closer. He asks cautiously, "Is this okay?" Other people do it frequently enough, Dan is just checking to see that he isn't pushing Phil outside his comfort zone. Likely not. Phil is much more comfortable with these sorts of things than Dan. He spends the next ten or fifteen minutes of waiting for their food keeping Phil carefully distracted from his anxious thoughts. Maybe it's his videos that are bothering him today. Maybe it was Dan's brief mention of his grandma, maybe it's been the whole day. Dan will get to the bottom of it sooner or later. For now, he thanks the waitress kindly when she brings their food, tips more generously than he ever could have eight years ago to make up for the crappy tips he used to leave, and stands with Phil to head out, takeaway in tow. It's a short walk to their flat from here, thankfully. Dan feels loads better once he's curled up on the sofa under a blanket with Phil and a bowl of curry. "Wow, yum. I literally forgot how good this is." He eats his entire order, no leftovers to be found. That's when he feels the exhaustion of it all set in.   
08:24  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods, and sits with Dan for the short little while that it takes for their food to arrive. They bring it all home, and Phil feels a little better just being here. This place has nothing but good memories. Nothing awful has happened here. Nothing terrifying or traumatic. They’ve been here for... two years? Three? Phil’s lost track. But it’s been good. They’ve had their ups and downs, of course. That was inevitable. But at the end of the day, this place was safe, and happy, and this place was home. Where they can sit it bed and eat takeaway in relative silence with some random show on the tv to drown out the silence. Things are good right now. Even if it might be hard, a bit stressful at times, things were good. And by the time they’ve finished their dinner, Phil can see Dan’s eyes drooping, and he leans over to press a gentle kiss against his cheek. “Curl yo and get some sleep, love. You’ve got an early day. I’ll tidy up a little and I’ll be right back.” He promises. He wants to get all the takeaway containers cleaned up, get everything settled for the night, and then he’d join Dan in bed until his alarm went off in the morning.  
08:39  
May 🌈  
Dan stretches out with a yawn when Phil tells him to get a head start on sleep without him. That will not happen, but Phil is a sweetheart for suggesting it. Dan adores him. He mutters something about getting ready for bed and taking his medicine mixed in with a polite 'thank you' for cleaning up before crawling out of bed again to head to the bathroom. He washes his face, brushes his teeth, takes his medicine, strips down to his pants, and crawls right back into bed, his eyes heavy. He kicks himself for not staying up long enough to properly check in with Phil, for letting Phil go to sleep feeling as anxious as he has for very nearly a week straight. In the end, Dan manages to stay awake until Phil joins him, just long enough that Dan can rest his head on Phil's chest, and he's out like a light. Dan isn't used to the energy his new meds allow him, but he's even less accustomed to burning all that energy in a day. Dan isn't sure it's something he really wants to get used to, but it really isn't his choice anymore. He needs to be with his grandma. His body has other plans the next morning when he sleeps right through his alarm. Apparently, the few hours of sleep he got the night before were just not enough. Dan's medicine keeps his heavy body deep in sleep. He probably should have seen this coming, but he's never tried sleeping so little on these meds before. Dan has no reaction to the noise at all, he just snoozes away against Phil's chest, his limbs all tangled up with Phil's.   
08:45  
Charlie 🎄  
The next morning, Phil lets Dan’s alarm ring for a few moments, expecting Dan to get up and turn it off. But when he doesn’t, Phil carefully sits up and does it for him. These meds are doing Dan wonders, but one downside is that once Dan’s asleep, there’s almost no waking him. It’s not typically a problem. They work from home, they’re their own bosses, so it’s not like they can oversleep. Phil just worries that he might not be able to wake Dan up in an emergency. But he doesn’t say that. Because that’s just his brain playing tricks on him. Right now, there is no emergency. Dan is just tired. And so Phil shuts off the alarm, and curls back up against Dan, and lets him sleep. He needs it. He can go to his grandma when he wakes up. Surely she’ll understand. He has all day to visit with her, and his granddad, and help move things around.  
08:58  
May 🌈  
Dan sleeps well into the morning, far past his alarm. He needs it, he really does, he decides when he wakes up. He texts Adrian quickly that he'll be late and he owes Adrian a big one for making him stay late. Adrian asks what the plan is and Dan sighs, slips out of bed, and calls Adrian as he hurries down the stairs so as not to wake Phil. Their grandfather showed up long before the sun rose this morning, claiming to miss his wife too dearly to sleep or rest a minute longer without her. Which, big mood, but it also really bothers Dan to imagine their old grandfather walking about West London with his cane at random hours of the night. It doesn't matter, he's safe now. They decide Adrian will go do his run and meet up with Dan later in the day so they can move the house around together. Mum is still MIA, Dad is still long gone, an Adrian promises Dan he can sleep as long as he wants, it's okay. So Dan thanks him and slinks back off to bed, thinking the waking up early might just be his hard limit here. Better to figure that out now before anyone is actually depending on him. He doesn't feel judgmental of himself, he just feels tired and lonely. He curls right back up in Phil's arms, planning to stay here until that icky feeling goes away, even if he can't sleep any longer. Dan presses a kiss to whatever part of Phil is closest to Dan's face, whispers an 'I love you,' and closes his eyes.  
09:04  
Charlie 🎄  
When Phil wakes next, he expects Dan to have gone. So when he wakes, to find Dan curled up next to him still, it almost worries him. Surely his meds haven’t kept him out this long. “Babe?” Phil mumbles groggily. He knew Dan was tired. Perhaps he’d already been awake. Perhaps there’s been a change of plan. But because Phil is Phil, and the simple answers are just too simple, he gets a little worried. “You still asleep?” He mumbles, turning to face Dan’s sleeping form, and without thinking, reaching out to let one hand rest just beneath Dan’s jaw, against the side of his neck. Dan is warm, and his breathing is easy, and he’s definitely still sleeping. But he needs it, Phil supposed. They’ve both had a few difficult days, and they need to catch up on some rest. Dan’s alright. He’s just tired. And that’s enough for Phil.  
09:29  
May 🌈  
"Mm," Dan very softly mutters under his breath, trying to let Phil know he's awake enough to sort of respond. He's so comfortably relaxed. All he's been wanting all day is to cuddle up with Phil and sleep, and here he is, gladly waking up just where he wants to be. While he's working on waking up, he feels something very wrong and intrusive very suddenly. Dan's body works instinctively when he's triggered off guard. Dan wakes all at once with a gasp, grabs at the hand on his neck with unthinking strength, and throws it off, pushes Phil away before he's conscious enough to connect the dots right in front of him. It's just Phil. Dan is safe. When he was younger and much further from healing than he is now, he might have curled into a ball and scratched at his neck until the feeling went away, which it never did in reasonable time, one of the more disturbing reactions he's had. Now, he curses and sits up harshly, knowing quickly that his reaction is not okay, and he needs to take back control of himself. "Fuck, shit," Dan rubs his neck and focuses on breathing for just a moment. "Fuck, I'm sorry," before he's even calmed himself down. He's still groggy, only half aware of what even happened, except that he did something wrong. Dan's hand aches from the panicked, jerky movements and realizes Phil might be feeling that, too, "Fuck. Baby, I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" It would not be the first time Dan accidentally scratched Phil or squeezed Phil too tightly or pushed him too hard when his body and those fearful parts of his mind have felt Phil push past a clear boundary. But the boundary isn't fair. Phil is Dan's partner, he should be able to touch Dan wherever he wants. Phil has never, and will never, hurt Dan. When will Dan believe that truth? Dan sniffles and reaches to tenderly touch Phil's arm, wondering why everything is so blurry. He wipes tears away with his free hand and decides he's more disoriented than he realizes. He needs to take care of himself first. It isn't fair and it isn't right, but Dan can't help Phil until he's calm himself. "Sorry," Dan mutters, a proper mess already. He hates how quickly things turn for him. It all happens so very quickly, Dan can hardly keep up with himself. He hates being unstable. He hates not being in control of at least himself.   
09:39  
Charlie 🎄  
In Phil’s sleepy daze, he doesn’t realize what he’s done wrong until it’s too late. He hadn’t meant to scare Dan, he had just been reaching out, half awake, just feeling the need to touch him and reassure himself that Dan was alright. Short fingernails dig harshly into his skin, even piercing the surface in places, but he doesn’t feel it over the shock of such a fast, and volatile reaction. It takes a moment to reorient himself, and he sits, slowly, being sure to give Dan lots of space to calm down. “Shit, Bear-“ he starts, rubbing at groggy eyes as the pieces fall together. “Christ, sorry. I was going for your shoulder or something, I didn’t mean to- sorry.” He says, knowing that no excuse quite justifies breaking past a clear line like that. “Are you okay?” Phil asks gently, apologetically, not wanting to reach out or touch him again before he’s calm. This isn’t a great way to start off their day, but it’s minor. It is, right? They’ll get past this quickly enough. With the shock now passing, Phil feels the stinging in his hand, but he doesn’t look at it. There can’t be much damage. A couple of scratches, perhaps. It doesn’t feel like it’s bleeding, but Phil doesn’t look to be sure. He’s too focused on Dan. “I’m sorry.” He says again, his voice quiet, and as non-threatening as he can make it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” He promises. It was a simple, sleepy mistake. It won’t happen again.  
10:01  
May 🌈  
Dan pulls his knees to his chest and just takes a moment or two to himself. He wants so badly to see that Phil's okay, but he knows well enough from experience that he'll only stress himself out more if he does that. He'll see something minor and his mind, in its panicked delirium, will see a broken hand. Dan lets all his tears out and tries his very hardest to think thoughts that make sense. He nods to tell Phil he's okay, but he isn't okay, so he really just gets mad at himself for lying like that. He runs a hand through his hair and carefully tugs at his curls, needing that bit of normalcy to wake him up out of this. He buries his face in his knees, feeling completely mental, but Phil understands. If Phil can understand this and still love Dan, Dan must not be as horrible as he thinks he is. His crying soon slows to a halt and he's breathing normally again. Phil is here, only Phil, and Phil is okay. Nobody did anything wrong on purpose. Just a sleepy mistake and a sleepy reaction. It happens once in a great while. Things happen. Not the end of the world. Dan wipes the last of his tears away before turning to wrap Phil in a very soft hug, a small voice whispering, "I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. It's okay." He can breathe again. He checks both of Phil's hands, a tad too out of sorts to remember which one it was he hurt. He knows quickly enough when he sees blood on Phil's knuckles where Dan awkwardly and harshly grabbed him. Ouch. Dan doesn't think he's ever seen blood on Phil's knuckles before. The area is entirely unscarred and moisturized, at that, proof of Phil's gentle nature. Dan slips out of bed determinedly to find a bandaid and disinfectant. Dan returns hastily, sits back down just beside Phil, and cleans him up with some of that ointment that doesn't hurt to put on. Dan can't feel okay until Phil is okay. Dan touches Phil with incredible care, not willing to bring him any more pain, however minor. He wraps a couple of bandaids on Phil's hand to stop the bleeding, kisses his hand, and brings him in for another hug. "I'm so sorry," Dan says, finally sober and conscious. He isn't at all concerned about Phil accidentally touching his neck now that he's wrapped around the man in an intimate embrace. Dan isn't afraid of Phil. He repeats that in his head a dozen times, desperate to get the message through. This behavior, however unconscious, is not okay. Phil should feel safe in his own home in his own bed with his own boyfriend, his life partner. Dan's heart still isn't quite beating right and his breaths are shaky, but it will pass.  
10:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil falls into a soft quiet, just letting Dan come through his fear and his anxiety at his own pace. When Dan comes around a little, Phil let’s him examine his hand. It is scratched, bleeding very lightly, but Phil isn’t worried about that. He knows Dan’s boundaries. No amount of sleepiness should negate that. It was an accident. But still, he lets Dan grab some things to patch him up. He lets Dan fuss over him because if that’s what will help, then Phil will give him that. When he’s finished, Phil wraps his arms so gently around Dan’s waist, making sure each touch is gentle, and calculated. He doesn’t like scaring Dan that way. It happens so rarely, usually just a minor lapse in judgement, like today. Phil would never do something to hurt Dan on purpose. And he knows that Dan knows that. But he can’t help the ache in his chest, knowing that Dan was still scared of that, after all this time. Would it ever go away? Would these tiny accidents ever not bring forth such a terrible feeling? Will Dan ever feel completely, entirely safe here? Phil doesn’t know. But he wants Dan to know that he’s sorry, if nothing else. “Don’t apologize.” He says softly. “You didn’t do anything wrong either.” He reminds dan softly. “You were protecting yourself. It’s okay.” He promises. Dan would never lash out like that otherwise. It was self defence, and nothing more. “You’re safe. I promise. I would never, ever hurt you.” He whispers.  
10:24  
May 🌈  
They've been through this more times than Dan can count. No good will come out of agonizing over why Dan can't just be normal. With the huge wave of anxiety passing, Dan feels exhausted and raw. As badly as Dan wants to tell Phil that he knows Phil will never hurt him, he knows he's safe, and Phil doesn't have to say it… Dan needs to hear that. Dan's unconscious has made those needs abundantly clear: he needs to be constantly reassured that he is safe here. Dan tears up again, but really fights those tears. He's cried enough, he's tired of it. He's tired of all of this. Instead of apologizing, Dan whispers, "Thank you." It isn't enough, but it's all he has right now. "I love you so much, it hurts," Dan speaks gently. He holds onto Phil tightly, like he's afraid Phil will get up and leave him. Of course, some part of him is, but the conscious parts of him just aren't strong enough to convince himself to loosen his hold, trust that Phil is here because he wants to be, because he truly loves Dan, despite all of his mess. Dan climbs half into Phil's lap and hides his face in Phil's shoulder, needing to feel as close as he can right now. "I love you."  
10:31  
Charlie 🎄  
“I love you. So much.” Phil says, holding Dan close, and laying back against the bed again, so that Dan is laying pretty much right on top of him. He pulls the duvet up around Dan’s shoulders, and holds him close with a gentle smile. They’ve had their moment, and now they need to move forward. Phil says once again, “I’m sorry. I love you.” Some day this won’t happen. A time will come when these little accidents won’t cause such fear. But today isn’t the day. And that’s alright. All Phil can do now, is reassure Dan that he’s safe, and he’s loved, and that even when Phil’s touch is unexpected, that does not mean that it will be violent. He wishes he knew how to help. How to better assist Dan in getting past that fear. But he doesn’t, really. “You slept in.” He notes after a moment or two. He lets the conversation move forward, because dwelling on it will upset Dan more. “Do you want to go back to sleep, love? That was kind of a rude awakening.” He reasons. Dan would still be peacefully sleeping right now if Phil could control his limbs.  
11:31  
May 🌈  
Dan feels safe now. He felt safe ten minutes ago. Why is this such a difficult feeling to sustain? Ten years of this feeling and Dan still can't sustain it. Dan supposes all it really took was a couple of years of violence to change Dan's brain forever. Phil takes Dan out of that shitty train of thought, thankfully, and Dan trusts him with everything he has. Why is that not enough? Dan shakes his head promptly, having no desire at all to go back to sleep and face whatever his unconscious has waiting for him there. Dan should at least update Phil, "I talked to Adrian this morning. Granddad will be at the hospital all day today. He just showed up in the middle of the night. He's…" Dan sighs, "Whatever. I'll meet up with Adrian this afternoon to switch grandma's and mum's rooms." Dan tenderly rubs Phil's chest, sure he's all knotted up in there from their scuffle. "Did you sleep okay?" Dan really wanted to stay awake long enough to be sure Phil got some sleep, but that just wasn't in the cards last night. Dan only has so much to give. He has to remember to save enough for Phil. It isn't fair that Dan suddenly decides to give away all those parts of his energy and time that used to belong to Phil.   
13:21  
Charlie 🎄  
“I slept just fine.” Phil assured. He was sleeping a little better now than he did a few days ago, when things were so much more stressful. Things were a little better now. At least, a little easier to handle. “What about you? I shut your alarm off this morning, you were still out cold. You must be tired.” He says lightly, gently rubbing Dan’s back, still being sure to keep every touch gentle and soft, and predictable. “You needed the rest though, yesterday was... big.” He smiled softly. Dan had made a lot of progress in a short amount of time. That was enough to wear anyone out, and make anyone exhausted. Dan needed his rest. His nan would understand if he was late getting there today. At least, Phil hopes they would.  
16:32  
May 🌈  
Dan nods, he was tired. Exhausted. Phil's hand is only good. His tender movements give Dan a wave of comfort. As frightened as Dan was just moments ago, Phil can make that go away so very easily. That in itself is a huge comfort. Dan has come a long away. He didn't used to calm down so quickly, he didn't even used to accept Phil's help. Dan's panic response may stick around for a long time against Dan's will, but Dan can control the way he reacts to that. He can choose to be good to Phil and let Phil be good to him. Dan chooses not to be afraid, he chooses to love Phil. He eventually loosens his tight grip, his deep muscles finally letting go of that tension. Only for Phil. "It was," Dan agrees quietly. He takes a deep breath, "It was so much all at once." And Phil wasn't there. He was just a text away, of course, but he needed to sleep and besides, he wasn't actually there with Dan. That makes everything harder for Dan to handle. He readjusts himself so he can hear Phil's heartbeat, like always, and that brings his own heartbeat down quickly from its erratic pounding. It wasn't a particularly pleasant way to wake up, Dan might admit.   
16:41  
Charlie 🎄  
“Get back to sleep, bear. I’ve got you.” Phil murmurs quietly. He’ll be here. He’ll hold Dan as long as he needs. Dan can rest, catch up on his sleep, and he can go back home when he wakes and when he feels rested. There’s no rush. He can go at any time. His family will understand. Or they should. They really should understand what a big deal this was for Dan, and how important it was for them to work with him throughout this. They couldn’t expect Dan to be perfect at this right away. This was far more than Dan was used to, and he deserved to have some time to adjust and get used to it all. It was great that he wanted to step up and be there for his grandma. But Dan had never done this before. He needed time to adjust. And Phil really hoped that his family would understand that, and give Dan the time and space that he needed. “I’m sorry for waking you like that. I really didn’t mean to scare you. You can get back to sleep, okay? I’m gonna be right here.” He promises.  
17:01  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't know that he can sleep, but he can try. He has to laugh out a small, pathetic chuckle at the mention of Phil waking Dan up. "I'm sorry for waking you like that." Dan wonders if Phil is actually seeing what happened, "I'm the one that hurt you, all you did was roll over," Dan clarifies. Phil is not the bad guy. He's the best guy in this whole damn world for putting up with Dan. "You didn't do anything wrong at all. Please, don't apologize. Please." Dan gives Phil's shoulder a light squeeze, "I love you so much. Thank you. You're perfect, it's my…" Dan has to stop himself. No blaming himself. Dan didn't ask for any of this and he has never wanted to hurt Phil, "It isn't our fault. That's all." Someone else did this. That's on his conscience or soul or whatever. Phil and Dan have nothing to repent for, it isn't doing any good to let guilt eat at either of them. Phil knows that now. Maybe he always knew, but he knows better now that they've spoken about it. James did things to Dan no person should ever do to another person. It lasted ages. Dan can't help but be afraid sometimes, if just for a moment, after all these years. He's only human. So is Phil. They spend all their time together, they sleep together, it's only natural that accidents will sometimes happen. The best they can do is try to let it go.  
17:09  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods. He holds Dan a little closer. He knows what Dan means, he knows that neither of them have anything to apologize for. Phil’s hand will heal. It’s the least of his worries. Dan will heal too, someday. Phil knows that. He just wishes that Dan didn’t have anything to heal from. “I know. But still. I wish you didn’t have to feel scared like that.” Phil admits. “I know maybe I’m not the reason you’re afraid. But I am the reason you never have to be afraid again. I will never, ever...” Phil shook his head. He couldn’t even think of it. He could never hurt Dan. Not on purpose. Not ever. “I don’t ever want to touch you with anything but love. Even when it happens by accident, like today. Whenever I touch you, it’s because I love you. Because I want to be close to you. That’s why. I know that you know that already, but still.” He says softly. “And if there’s ever anything I can do... to help you feel less afraid, you can tell me. I’ll do whatever I can to help you with this.” He assured.  
17:46  
May 🌈  
"I do know, baby. Thank you for saying so." Perfect doesn't begin to describe Phil to Dan. "You're an angel," Dan sits up just enough to look into Phil's eyes with his own sore, bloodshot eyes. He smiles softly, feeling endlessly grateful toward Phil. "You know you're actually my guardian angel? In, like, the actual cheesiest way? That's how much you mean to me. Stupid Christian biblical references that would make my nan proud," Dan shakes his head in disbelief. "You do every single thing right and you still want to do more," Dan smiles sadly. He kisses Phil very gently, just to give them both a bit of comfort, "You are so much more than enough. As you are. I know you hate when I say that." He runs his fingers through Phil's short hair softly, "All you hear is that there's nothing more you can do. It's only because you're already doing everything, love. You don't know how good you are for me." Dan cups Phil's cheek ever so lightly, "I have never been afraid of you. Even in the beginning, when I was afraid of everything. Not you. Never you. Do you know how big that is? Do you have any idea?" The choices Dan makes reflect that. Who else would he travel the world with? Who else would he willingly sleep next to while he's so heavily medicated, he can't be woken up? Who else would he trust enough to see all of Dan's lowest lows and all his highest highs? Nobody else has ever even come close. "You have my trust, but so much more than that. I don't have words. You have my everything, but I know you'd never take it. I just… I love you more than love." Dan kisses Phil's cheek, then his mouth once more, his touches all feather light. "Thank you," he says the same way he always says after they make love.  
18:05  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, holding Dan as closely as he can. The things Dan says to him are things he needs to hear. Because Phil struggles more than he lets on, with feelings of inadequacy. That he’s not enough, that he’s not doing enough, that he’s not being what the people in his life need him to be. He always feels like there must be something more he can do. And that’s his own flaw, of course. He’s not sure where it comes from, or what part of his development was to blame. It was just something he dealt with. And so hearing Dan day these things was really reassuring. “You have no idea how much I love you.” He breathes gently, his words feather soft against Dan’s lips. “You always thank me.” He notes quietly. Out of the blue, for no reason, and sometimes, in very strange moments, Dan thanks him. For nothing. For absolutely no real reason at all, it’s something Phil doesn’t understand. “You don’t have to thank me, you know. For being nice to you.” He adds quietly. “You deserve nice. You deserve to be treated right. I know maybe... in the beginning, I know you weren’t used to being treated nicely. Maybe even now, a little bit. But you deserve that. That’s how this is supposed to be. I’m supposed to treat you kindly. And you don’t have to thank me for just... being a decent person.” He chuckles.  
18:34  
May 🌈  
Dan hears Phil out, and he does understand where Phil is coming from. Phil has always been loved. His parents, his brother, his extended family, his friends, even past boyfriends, they have always loved Phil. Until he met Phil, Dan seemed to lose more and more love from more of the people in his life the more time went on. As a child, he had all he could have asked for, then his horrid father came back into the picture and took him away from his grandparents. His mother changed, her bond with Dan was broken. Then, Dan went to school and was bullied by just about everyone. Throughout his life, Dan hopped about from friendship to worse friendship and relationship to shittier relationship. Things steadily declined until Phil came into his life, bringing stability, unconditional love, support, and gladly, enthusiastically met all of Dan's needs that had been abused for so long. They grew their careers and the internet started bullying Dan, too. It felt like the whole world was against Dan, every aspect of his life was a struggle, but Phil was always on his side. Phil has always made things easy and simple and beautiful. How can Dan explain that without turning it into a sob story? It isn't, it's Dan's fairytale. "I appreciate you," Dan shrugs lightly. "I am thankful. I am so thankful for you, for everything you do. I appreciate everything about you. I want you to know that I do. I'll never take you for granted. You're my life's best part, Phil. It isn't about just…" This is the part Dan isn't so good at articulating, "It isn't just about comparing you to someone else. It's just you. I love you because I love you. It isn't about being nice to me or treating me right or being kind or decent. I love you because I love you. I appreciate you. You take care of me, but it's… You're my best friend. You're my hero and my soulmate and I want- I want you to be my husband. Not because you're going to fix me, because you're not, it's because you're you. Because I get to appreciate you for all those normal reasons people love each other. You're funny, you're beautiful, and you're so fucking sexy-" Dan laughs a little, "...and we have everything in common, but even when we don't, you still sit through things I like with me. You make me happier than I ever thought I could feel, and that isn't because someone else made me sad, do you understand? It's because even if I was normal, like you, and everything was perfect in my life, you still would have changed everything for me. You're special to me because you're special, not because I don't know what human decency is. You're more than decent. You're fucking… You're more than words could ever express." Dan doesn't know where that all came from, but he's glad he said it, "Thank you for being a truly, objectively phenomenal, fantastic, beautiful, amazing person, Phil. Thank you. I'll never take you for granted because you'll never let me. You're just gonna keep making me fall in love with you, so. Thank you."  
18:44  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil listens carefully to Dan as he speaks, and the words melt his heart in a way he could truly never explain. He doesn’t know how to respond. He doesn’t know what he could possibly say to that. Dan is just... he‘s so perfect. He’s so good with his words, in a way Phil just isn’t. And for a long few moments, all Phil can do is hold Dan tightly, while he lets all those words and all those sweet things sink in. Dan is incredible. He has so much love in his heart, despite everything he’d been through and everyone who’s mistreated him. Dan has every right to be a complete prick. To trust nobody, to be closed off, to be mean, to be an asshole. He has every right to be pissed at the world for the way it treated him. But he was so very far from that. He was such a kind, gentle, loving person, who would never hurt a fly. “You want to be my husband?” Phil asks quietly. It’s a lot to hear Dan say it like that, in so many words. Just days ago, talk of marriage and children and the future had made Dan fairly upset. So it was surprising to hear that word now, unprompted. Phil knew it already, to an extent. He knew they both wanted to be together forever. No matter how that ended up happening. Marriage or not, the details weren’t important to Phil. As long as he had Dan.  
19:02  
May 🌈  
Dan knows Phil loves him, he must have said it just moments ago, but that is quite a lot to say with no response. Followed by little response that is so fucking heavy and difficult, and Phil must know Dan is struggling, because all Dan can really do is nod insecurely, his tongue suddenly tied. This isn't the magical proposal Phil deserves. At all. Phil deserves Paris, or Japan or Italy, whichever he prefers, and he deserves Dan in a nice suit with a diamond ring in a box, just that perfect spot between masculine and feminine and androgyny that encompasses Phil. He deserves a beautifully written proposal, he deserves a private proposal, but he deserves it on video, so he can look back to it whenever he wants. He deserves everything in the world he's ever dreamed of, but right now, this is all Dan can give him, "I want to marry you more than… I have ever wanted anything. But I want to be better for you." Dan finds Phil's faintly injured hand to hold in his own on Phil's chest, "This isn't being nice or kind or decent to you. Someday, when I marry you, it'll just be you and I. No ghosts." As important as that concept is to Phil, it's incredibly meaningful to Dan. James' ghost has been following Dan all this time, living in his bones, making him jump whenever it tickles his fancy. No more. "Then, I'll be ready. And we can do things right." Dan summons some kind of compassion for himself he knows he couldn't manage without Phil's ocean eyes looking at him like that, "I know I can do it. I just need more time."   
19:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil looks down, at their intertwined hands, Phil’s covered in little bandages that he probably doesn’t actually need, and he gives a gentle smile as he looks back up at Dan again. “You take all the time you need.” He says, that injured hand coming up to cup Dan’s jaw. Gently, so gently. “I want that.” He says. “I want you. Forever. But only when you’re ready.” He says. He wants Dan to take his time. Rushing into this sort of thing will never be a good idea. Dan doesn’t have to be perfect. Neither of them do. But he does have to feel ready. Phil feels ready. And he has, for a long time. He sometimes thinks about that ring he bought, so many moons ago, and he almost regrets returning it. But not really. It was the wrong time. And there’s no way Phil could have kept that ring without losing it, or without Dan finding it. They didn’t hide things from each other. Phil would never have been able to keep that secret. So it was best that he’d taken it back. But one day, when the time was right, things would fall into place. They had so much time. Phil didn’t care if they got married today, or in five years. Or when they were both old and grey. He didn’t care if they got married at all. What he cared about, was having Dan to come home to at the end of every long day. And he already had that. He already had everything he could possibly want. Marrying him would just be the cherry on top.  
19:27  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't flinch. He wouldn't dare allow himself to do that right now in this lovely moment, but he doesn't feel any need to. He trusts Phil. "You'll have me forever now," Dan knows that, if nothing else. To Dan, marriage isn't about being together forever. Dan thinks he won't know what it's really like to be married until he is married, but he knows it isn't about time. Nothing will ever take Dan away from Phil, not really, and if that's all marriage is, they're already married. No, marriage is about that deeper connection. Dan can't control how he feels about Phil, but marriage isn't about that sort of passion and commitment, it's about choice. It's choosing something more, whatever that more means to the couple. To Dan, it means being fully Phil's. No more haunting memories of other men. It means Dan can't hate himself anymore, because that means he'll hate half of his own marriage. He knows from watching his own parents what a recipe for disaster that is. Marriage means only love for only himself and Phil. For Dan, amongst other things, marriage means recovery. He needs to do this for both of them. Phil deserves to know Dan wholly: not the frightened shell of himself he's been for so many years. He's come into himself so much, but he just isn't there yet. Dan kisses Phil, and he swears it's the sweetest kiss they've ever shared, even if they both taste like morning.   
19:35  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil kisses Dan in return, and it lingers for a long moment. He knows Dan is right. They already have each other forever. They don’t need a marriage for that. But there is something about marriage that just feels... different. It feels more. Somehow. He can’t place his finger on it. It doesn’t fully make sense. But something about getting married feels very... final. Which sounds like a scary word, but it’s not, really. Phil doesn’t know how to explain it, even to himself. So he really doesn’t try to. All he knows, is that he has Dan forever. Whether they do forever with a ring or without one. Those are details. What matters, is that they have each other. And they do. Their life together has only just begun. And Phil knows that their life will be full of ups and downs. The highest highs, and the lowest lows. Mistakes will be made, and they’ll fix them together like they always do. They’ll grow. They’ll heal from the things in their pasts that still haunted them. They’d make new memories and new traditions and they’d have each other through thick and thin and that’s all Phil ever wanted.  
20:56  
May 🌈  
Dan just doesn't want this to end. This is what he means about Phil being his best friend: who else could have Dan feeling so light and in love just minutes after having a panic attack? Dan knows it's a bad idea, but he can't help but think he wouldn't mind kissing Phil all morning. "Let's make breakfast," Dan finally requests, though ending their kiss to say so feels like some sort of crime. Maybe they can pick this up later, if some other ridiculous catastrophe doesn't interrupt them. Things must calm down sooner or later. Even Dan recognizes that only so many things can go wrong in a short period of time. There is always respite eventually. Maybe today can be theirs. "I'm thinking… crepes? Omelets?" Dan thinks they deserve something nice. Phil's anxiety has been skyrocketing and Dan hasn't been able to be here for him. Dan decides it's time for a break. "We can have a nap later." They'll both sleep much better once they've eaten. Dan isn't quite sure if his moods are fluctuating more rapidly than before because something is wrong or if he just isn't used to feeling so many different emotions in a day, but he isn't about to complain about getting over a bad mood so quickly.   
25 December 2019  
02:46  
Charlie 🎄  
Kissing Dan might very well be the one thing in the world that can clear Phil’s mind in an instant. No anxious thoughts. No worries. No fears. Just Dan. It works wonders, more than any medication or natural remedy could ever hope to. Perhaps this was a type of natural remedy. But god, was it addictive. Phil could stay here and kiss Dan all day long, if that were realistic. But their day awaited them. Dan’s family needed him today, and Phil was falling so far behind on his emails it was sinful. They both had things they needed to be doing. “Crepes sound good.” He smiled, lips brushing gently against Dan’s jaw. “But kiss me again first?” He chuckled. One more. Then he could get up and go about his day. This warm little moment was just too good to give up just yet. It was still pretty early. They had a little bit of time to waste. And Phil wanted to make sure Dan was really feeling better. That was his excuse, for staying in and kissing Dan instead of facing the day.  
03:02  
May 🌈  
Dan's cheeks blush cruelly. If only he didn't wear his every emotion on his sleeve. "Naughty," Dan taunts as he cups Phil's cheeks for a proper kiss. "You ought to be careful. I'll keep you here all morning if you let me." He sinks right back into that kiss like it never ended, his chest nearing a burst, he's sure of it. Dan can see Phil behind his closed eyes. He is so beautiful, every bit of him. Dan knows Phil like the back of his hand, he could mark every freckle by heart alone. Dan's heart is so full of Phil's love, if he lets out an itty bitty moan, well, it's only a matter of time, isn't it? Dan is only a man. And if he finds himself straddling Phil's hips, well, how could he possibly help himself? This is Dan's favorite place in this whole, wide world. If he forgets all about breakfast and every other obligation he's ever had in a matter of minutes, he certainly can't be blamed. Phil is too good. Dan has never been very good at impulse control, especially not when it comes to Phil. It's those pesky sparks coming from Phil's hands and lips and every little movement of his. Dan and Phil's bodies belong together. If nothing else, Dan looks so forward to a wedding for their honeymoon. Goodness, the trouble they'll get up to. Someday. For now, if Dan can let go of all those horrible emotions and thoughts related to the small incident, this is certainly a lovely opportunity to practice for that day.   
03:10  
Charlie 🎄  
Part of Phil knows better than to continue their kiss after Dan has ended it. Doing that has almost always, without fail, made them late for whatever it was they had to do that day. But how could he resist, when Dan had just said so many beautiful, heartwarming things to Phil that he couldn’t even comprehend? How could he resist, when just the tiniest of tiny little moans from Dan’s mouth set his skin on fire? Dan was perfect, in every way. He was everything Phil needed, everything he wanted. In a best friend, in a roommate, in a romantic partner, in a lover. Everything, all at once, and he was perfect. There was just nobody else in the world for Phil. So if he wanted to spend a late morning in bed with the love of his life, who was to blame him? It was only natural, to be so attracted to someone who was so very attractive, in every single way that a person could be. His hands move then, to the smallest part of Dan’s waist, just giving him a gentle, and reassuring squeeze. This day had started off on a bad note. Phil hopes that didn’t place Dan in a bad mindset for this activity. This wasn’t something Phil would negotiate. He wanted Dan to be okay, always. Every situation should feel safe for him.  
08:38  
May 🌈  
Dan will never tire of kissing Phil. He'll be 90 years old and still be making out with Phil late into the morning, his ass in the air, he's sure of it. How can be possibly resist? Phil has him a breathless mess in his arms in mere minutes. Dan smiles faintly against Phil's lips when he feels Phil's hand squeeze at his waist. Right, The one thing that can actually make all this better: groping. Dan just adores Phil. He pauses their kiss just long enough to whisper pleadingly in a certain tone of voice he saves for certain special events, "Touch me, baby? Please?" Dan is still in his pants from the day before, his laziness luckily coming up in his favor. He kisses Phil a tad more passionately with a hand on his bare pec, wanting to feel his soft skin every way he can. Phil makes Dan feel safe, above literally all else. Phil has made Dan feel at home in hotel rooms all over the world for any number of events as he makes Dan feel in their flat. It's Phil: he's Dan's home. He's that common denominator that makes everything right. Dan will truly never know how he got so lucky. "Love you," Dan mumbles as his hand moves down to rub Phil's side affectionately. "Tell me what you want?"   
08:46  
Charlie 🎄  
God, Dan’s voice is something else. What just moments ago was so ragged and upset, now sounded so smooth and sultry in Phil’s ear. He can’t help but comply with Dan’s request, his hands sliding down to Dan’s bum, and groping him firmly there. Dan had the best body, Phil could swear. Nobody else could possibly compare. Phil had every curve, every dip, every freckle and bump, completely engrained into his memory. He knew Dan’s body as well as he knew his own. “Just let me touch you.” He whispers, his lips trailing soft and warm along Dan’s jaw. His hands wandered briefly then, down to Dan’s thighs, and lingering there for a moment. He just loved this. Letting his hands roam, explore every inch of Dan’s skin. “Is this okay?” He whispers. He wants Dan to feel okay. Especially given the difficult start to their morning. If at any point Dan felt less than comfortable, Phil would stop. Not a single question asked. Dan’s comfort in these intimate moments was Phil’s one and only priority.  
09:04  
May 🌈  
"Please," Dan whispers as he feels Phil's hands finally where they belong. Dan feels them all the way up his spine, he swears he could feel Phil etching himself just a bit more deeply in his soul, if that's at all possible. Phil has left a massive, undeniable mark on Dan's life. Not just the one, he's marked up all of it a hundred times over, and Dan wouldn't have it any other way. He'll never have to know what life is without Phil again. Dan will have these hands on his ass for the rest of his life and he wouldn't trade them for the world. "Baby," Dan nods in response to Phil's check-in, "it's perfect. You're perfect. Mm…" He follows Phil's gorgeous hands, not willing to break contact for a second. Dan kisses Phil once more, then kisses down his neck, knowing it feels differently to Phil to be touched here than it feels to Dan. He mouths the side of Phil's neck very gently, treating Phil with the utmost care. "I love you," Dan repeats with a light smile on his lips still. Phil always has Dan smiling. On his worst days, he never goes long without smiling or laughing, Phil just won't allow it. Dan will never stop feeling grateful for this beautiful man.   
09:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil tips his head to the side, letting Dan have all the room there that he wanted. There wasn’t a single part of Phil that was off limits to Dan. Not a single inch of skin Phil was uncomfortable with Dan touching, or kissing. “I love you.” He whispers in return. “Gorgeous.” He adds, his fingertips dipping between Dan’s thighs, and trailing softly, gently upwards again. Back up over the plump curve of Dan’s ass, and then up his back. Fingertips dipping softly into the spaces between each vertebrae. Tracing along the line of each rib, the delicate curve of his waist, and upwards still, to his shoulders. He pauses there, and he kisses Dan again, softly, contently. “Let me try something?” He asks, his voice a delicate whisper. There’s still a part of him that feels bad about what happened this morning. He just wants to show Dan, prove to him once again, that he is safe. More than safe with Phil.  
09:59  
May 🌈  
However surprised Dan is by Phil's forward reach between his legs, Dan sure isn't complaining. Until Phil pulls away again. Tease. Dan whines playfully when Phil's hands come back up again. Of course, because Phil just wants everything to feel better. "Yes, please," Dan agrees easily. He asks in a sexy voice with a smile, "How do you want me?" He pecks Phil's lips again, which is perhaps not exactly great conversationally, because the kiss lasts long enough that Dan forgets he asked Phil a question. Phil's always had this effect on Dan. He knows just how to get Dan's mind off things, anything at all, really. He makes Dan ditzy with attraction, like he can't help but forget his own name in some certain moments of ecstasy until Phil moans it into Dan's ear. How can Dan be blamed for that? Phil has that magic touch Dan didn't think existed until he first touched Dan. He remembers that first hug so well. Dan spent all night thinking about it, still so overwhelmed by it, he couldn't yet process the rest of that beautiful first day together until his thoughts obsessed over that touch. It was like every cheesy film put into one: fireworks, electricity, magic, you name it, Dan felt it. He knew he couldn't bear to let that beautiful ginger boy who dyes his hair black go.   
10:09  
Charlie 🎄  
“Just like this. Stay right there.” Phil breathed, in between feverish kisses. “Trust me?” He murmured, letting one hand come to rest at the side of Dan’s neck again, very soft, incredibly gentle, while his lips peppered soft, sweet little kisses against warm skin. “Don’t think of anything else. Focus on me.” He instructs lightly. Every move is so slow, so careful. He wants Dan to be able to anticipate what he’s doing before he does it. No surprises. And he wants Dan to focus on the moment. There’s nobody else here. It’s just them. And gentle lips, careful fingertips, can hopefully feel nice, rather than scary. Phil so badly wants that. He wants to show Dan that he doesn’t need to be afraid. Phil will never hurt him. Saying that is one thing. But perhaps demonstrating will be even more effective. He’s careful. His lips brush featherlight against Dan’s throat, and upwards to his cheeks. One hand just rests there. No pressure, no squeezing, nothing but a delicate, barely-there touch. He’s hyper-aware of Dan’s body. And the moment he starts to appear uncomfortable Phil will stop. No questions asked.  
10:24  
May 🌈  
Dan nods in agreement and tries his best to sit still. He takes a deep breath in when Phil touches his neck. He can do this. "I trust you," Dan's whispered voice tapers off a bit too soon, so Dan repeats more slowly to be sure he can get all his words out, "I trust you, Philly." Dan looks into Phil's eyes and wonders how he could possibly think of anything else. He wouldn't know what to think of, all he can see now is Phil. He feels so much. Dan's face and neck flush with Phil's touch. Dan never would have been able to do this in the beginning. Not at all, but certainly not so soon after an accident. It doesn't feel at all bad. Dan isn't cringing up or anything. He's still just as relaxed, even if he has to work a little bit for it. With Phil's mouth on his neck, Dan feels overwhelmingly good. Dan's eyes slip shut, a hand on Phil's shoulder to keep himself steady. He bites his lip as his pulse quickens for all the right reasons. He feels it everywhere. Dan finds himself stretching his neck out a bit so Phil can do as he pleases, properly. He finds himself blushing massively when he begs in a soft tone, "More? Please?" Dan trusts Phil with more than trust.  
10:33  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, a bit triumphantly when Dan asks him to keep going. He hadn’t expected that. He’d expected Dan to tell him that was enough, or to stop, or to slow down. But he hadn’t expected an encouragement to go further. He leans up to kiss Dan’s lips for a tender moment, meeting his eyes with twinkling eyes. “I love you.” He reminds, his thumb grazing along Dan’s throat, right at his Adam’s apple. With that reassurance, he lets himself go back to his task. Gentle kisses, and a featherlight touch. He allows himself one little nip a soft, delicate skin, right in the soft spot where Dan’s neck met his shoulder. It likely wouldn’t leave a mark. But if it did, Dan could easily cover it with a shirt. All the while, he was being so careful not to get lost in the moment. He had to stay alert, stay focused on Dan, and on making sure he wasn’t reacting badly to any of Phil’s touches. Phil wanted this to be a positive experience for Dan. A reinforcement of the idea that there was no danger involved whenever Phil touched him here. Only love. Dan never had to worry about being hurt again, the way he’d been hurt before.  
10:52  
May 🌈  
Dan has not had a hickey in many years. Never from Phil, he thinks sadly. That pain, however slight, just scared Dan too much to dare entertain. It's always just been easier to give to Phil than deal with his own issues. Dan kisses Phil passionately now, excited to have this with Phil. "Love you," Dan whispers as he feels Phil's gentle thumb on that fragile place in the centre of his throat. Dan isn't afraid. He slips a hand under Phil's head to keep him close, a surprised moan escaping when he feels Phil's teeth. It doesn't hurt not even a little bit. Maybe this isn't meant to hurt at all. Sex doesn't have to end in a walk of shame through West London with an ugly borrowed scarf wrapped three times over to hide two distinct hand-shaped bruises and bite marks that just won't stop bleeding through tiny bandaids. Sex can be love. Phil is making it utterly lovely. Dan is still learning, after all these years, it doesn't have to hurt. None of it. Dan giggles out a moan into Phil's messy hair when he feels a shiver up his spine. It's so fucking good. He feels like a teenager again, trying new things, this time he's never dreamed could be so good, with someone better than Dan's ever dreamed. Dan is entirely lost in the moment.   
11:01  
Charlie 🎄  
Things like this, these tiny moments of progress, make Phil’s heart absolutely sing with joy. Being able to take these little things that Dan has had such bad luck with, and show him that it didn’t have to be scary. He was so happy, so thankful, that he got to be the person that showed Dan how love was supposed to feel. There didn’t have to be pain. It didn’t have to hurt, or feel bad, or uncomfortable. It should always feel good. It should always leave you wanting more. And to hear Dan actually laugh, in a moment so unsure and so new, melted Phil’s very bones. It’s these little moments that feel like they do the most good. Dan seems to do a lot of healing in these fleeting seconds where they try something new, something scary, and learn that it’s not as bad as Dan once thought it would be. Phil comes back up towards Dan’s lips after a few more moments of this, kissing him happily, and meeting his eyes with a bright and happy grin. “I love you.” He whispers, brushing wild curls away from Dan’s forehead. “Do you see? This is love.” He smiles, pressing another tender kiss to Dan’s neck to punctuate his point. “This is nothing but love. It will never be anything but love. I promise you that.” He breathes.  
11:16  
May 🌈  
"Mm," Dan moans against Phil's lips as he kisses him deeply straight away. Phil is a far better physical than vocal communicator and Dan has absolutely no problem with that. He could very easily cry when Phil talks about love. Dan wants to learn every little thing about it from Phil. Dan looks at Phil in absolute adoration for a long, silent moment before replying cheekily, "Hm, didn't quite catch that. You'll have to show me once more." Dan is literally completely hard again Phil's hip bone - and, really, what did Phil expect? - so they both know he's teasing. Dan smiles down at Phil and kisses him again and again and again, slipping in bits of his heart every so often between kisses, "I love you. I love you with all of my heart. I'll love you every day forever." It isn't just for what Phil does for Dan, it's a lot of Phil just being himself that makes Dan so enamored. Phil has several million people enamored with him, Dan knows he isn't alone in his affection, but he is the only one that really gets all of Phil. What they have is more special than Dan will ever know what to do with. He will try. Maybe one of these days, he'll figure out just what to do with all of that love.   
11:25  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil beams, and with Dan’s cheeky remark, he wraps his arms around Dan’s body to stabilize him, and easily rolls the both of them over so that he can rest atop Dan’s body. He’s careful, when he begins nipping along Dan’s jawline from this angle. Their previous position gave Dan a little more control. It was easier for him to get away if he needed to, when he wasn’t somewhat trapped beneath Phil’s body. So once their position was switched, Phil backtracked, basically starting from square one, just to ensure that Dan still felt in control, still felt safe. Because Dan was in control. Phil would stop in an instant if Dan needed a breather. For now, Phil started slow again. Brushing fingertips and gently peppered kisses, up and down the expanse of smooth, pale skin. He returned to that spot again after a minute or two, where Dan’s pale skin was reddened just a little from Phil’s nibbling, and he worked the spot just a moment or two longer, until he was sure it would bruise, just a little. It would be easily hidden, but they would see it. At night, curled up in bed, or in the morning, over coffee. It would hang around for a few short days. As a reminder, a temporary souvenir of this little milestone.  
11:52  
May 🌈  
Dan rolls onto his back with a squeak and a laugh, feeling incredibly light and happy. He loves feeling Phil's weight on him. Sometimes, in the past, this position has felt suffocating, but right now, all it feels to be is stabilizing. Dan kisses Phil through his smile, legs wrapped tightly around Phil's waist to keep him close. This position tends to work well for them, as Dan is much more flexible than Phil. With a bit of practice, Dan figures out the perfect place to put his hands in times like these is directly on Phil's ass. He adores this man so much. His hands work of their own volition to massage Phil's bum as Phil sucks at Dan's neck like a couple of teenagers. When their hips rhythmically meet because Dan can't hope to sit still right now, Dan could swear he sees stars behind his eyes. His usual deeper moans are replaced with much more natural sounds an octave or two higher. He keeps generally quiet, but he lets out a gasp and a squeak every so often, always followed by a light laugh at himself. He can't believe how good he feels. "Oh, my God, Phil," Dan sighs out when Phil is finished with Dan's neck. He can still feel his mouth there, even when it's returned to meet Dan's once again. He loves that. He doesn't ever want that feeling to fade. "Baby, you're perfect, I love you," Dan rambles against Phil's mouth excitedly, his arms wrapped around Phil's neck to keep him close.   
12:05  
Charlie 🎄  
Their day might have gotten off to a rough start, but Phil couldn’t think of any better way to fix it. He lets out a low hum as Phil’s hands wander and squeeze. And when his groping pushes Phil’s hips forward, causing the littlest bit of friction between them, Phil is suddenly reminded of certain other desires that his body is calling out for. He presses his hips forward again, grinding firmly against Dan with a bit of a smirk as Dan rambles and giggles in a way that is just too cute for words. Sex with Dan just never gets old. After ten years, you half expected things to get a bit boring, or repetitive, or stale. But Phil had never once felt that way. Each time they did this was so familiar, and yet so very different all at once. It was never the same thing. Sleepy, slow mornings, barely awake. Sloppier, more intense nights, after a shared bottle of wine. Passionate, intimate afternoons like this. A vast variety of experiences. Sometimes it was stumbling in the door at the end of a date night, quick and breathless handjobs in the corridor before they even got their coats off. Sometimes it was a slow, teasing blowjob in the shower. And sometimes it was like this. An endless number of kisses, and erratic hips, and no real plan. Just whatever felt right in the moment. “Tell me what you want?” Phil breathes tenderly, his lips barely parting from Dan’s long enough to speak the words as his hips pressed forward once more.  
12:24  
May 🌈  
Dan is a tad breathless by the time Phil asks him to speak coherently. He gets so rude in bed and Dan just eats it up. Like he knows how to breathe, he knows Phil is inherently the sweetest man alive, so his flirty teasing and sassing is precious beyond words to Dan. That's what Dan means when he says Phil is sexy. Anyone can work to get a six pack or pay for plastic surgery, that doesn't make someone sexy. Phil's confidence is sexy. His ridiculous smirk he pulls just to make Dan laugh is sexy. The way he moves his body against Dan's, knowing exactly what he's doing to him, is sexy as all hell. Knowing each other inside and out is sexy. Speaking of… "I want you to fuck me," Dan finally manages between breathless kisses. He breathes out a shaky moan at Phil's heavy, slow thrust against Dan's length. He begs in a whisper, "I don't want to come yet. Make me wait. Just… I want you inside me first." This is just one of those days. Dan is all too in love with Phil, he'll never last with Phil's hand on his cock, and he just doesn't have more than one in him today, he can feel he'll just roll off to sleep wrapped up in Phil's arms. "Please, fuck me, baby," Dan whines and licks Phil's bottom lip.   
12:31  
Charlie 🎄  
That voice. God, Dan could say anything to him in that breathy, desperate voice, and Phil would listen. Dan didn’t realize how attractive he was. He didn’t understand just how much he drove Phil crazy, with love, with lust, with everything. Phil let out a low groan at Dan’s request, and pulled away from their kiss momentarily to rummage in the bedside drawer. A condom and a bottle of lube soon joined them on the bed, and Phil settles back on his knees, with Dan’s legs at either side of him. He palmed teasingly at Dan’s obvious bulge for a moment or two before coaxing his boxers down over his legs, and letting his own soon follow. Then, he slowed down again. He took the little bottle of lube in his hand, and leaned up to kiss Dan again. “I’m gonna stretch you, baby.” He breathes. They might both be feeling impatient, but it’s a necessary step, for Dan’s comfort. He’d pay for it later if Phil didn’t take the time to prep him now.  
13:28  
May 🌈  
The loss of contact isn't incredibly pleasant, but it does give Dan a chance to come down from his high, if only for a moment. Phil is generally more than happy to get Dan all worked up over nothing and push him right over that edge before they've even got to the good part, and it's only because he wants so badly for Dan to feel good. Dan doesn't know if he can keep up with Phil today. The sight of that little bottle of lube is daunting; it wouldn't be the first time he's come just from Phil's incredible fucking fingers. They both know there is no going forward without some preparation. Even past Dan's sexual trauma, Phil is simply too much for Dan to take without some support. He minimally helps Phil fully undress him, a bit out of sorts from his lovely, lovely, lovely touch. "Sweetheart, you are such a tease, you're literally so mean," Dan jokes as Phil comes back in for a kiss. He laughs a little into their kiss, "Go on, then. Are you gonna make me beg for your fingers?" He bites very lightly at Phil's lip and tugs ever so faintly at his hair, all very gentle touches, "Please stretch me out?" He asks in a playfully sexy tone, hoping to make Phil laugh, "Oh, baby, you're so big. Please finger me? Please open me up? I need you."   
13:38  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can’t help but laugh at Dan’s vulgarity, cupping Dan’s cheeks in his hands and kissing him again through a smile. “You are the sexiest man in the world.” Phil chuckles. “Until you try to be the sexiest man in the world.” He grinned. “Then you lose your charm.” He smiled. But this was something he loved about Dan. The fact that they could make each other laugh, even in such intimate moments. That they could still joke around and be silly. It was so nice. “Now c’mere. Get comfy.” Phil smiled sweetly, backing up a little to give Dan room to adjust however he wanted to. It was certainly going to be a late start to their day, between sleeping in, and now this. But Phil didn’t have it in him to worry too much about it. Everything would work out the way that it was meant to. They deserved this. They deserved an extra hour in bed, doing whatever the hell they wanted. “Mm, maybe turn over, lay on your belly?” Phil suggested, one hand gliding across Dan’s thigh. It was a position he knew that Dan enjoyed. It didn’t require much bending, it was easy, and comfortable for Dan, and it gave Phil such a lovely view, so who was he to complain?  
13:53  
May 🌈  
Dan laughs with Phil, just loving the sound of his voice. He giggles into their kiss. These kisses are the best: two smiles and a bit of laughter in the middle. It makes it tricky, no doubt, but it's so very special to Dan. Sex with Phil is never scary or painful, it's truly fun and above all, loving. Dan turns over obediently, adjusting a cheeky pillow under his hips so Phil can reach him properly. He tucks his legs under his stomach, face buried in their bed, and sighs contently, "Mm, too comfortable. You better hurry before I fall asleep." He gives Phil a cheeky smile over his shoulder, half his cheek smushed into the soft mattress. Dan wiggles his bum in the air for Phil, his dignity years gone, "Sexy?" He doesn't need it with Phil. Phil respects Dan at his absolute lowest, his most degraded and most humble. Phil still sees Dan as himself. Dan is complex, even by his standards, and Phil sees all of that. All the time. He sees Dan. He doesn't see the sexy parts of Dan as separate from the other parts of him, he sees Dan as whole and complete. Phil would never degrade or disrespect any part of him. Dan trusts him fully.   
14:03  
Charlie 🎄  
“Mm, very.” Phil laughs, with a playful slap against Dan’s bum. The days of self consciousness and insecurity are so far behind them. It’s been a very long time since Phil had any sort of issue with his body in Dan’s presence. Not that Phil didn’t have the occasional issue with his body, because he did. He’d find himself looking at the deepening wrinkles around his eyes, or the way his arms were a bit too thin, or the fact that he was a little softer in the middle than he might like to be. In the summer he might wish that he could tan instead of just freckle. He might occasionally resent the way his tummy rolled when he sat down. He had plenty of qualms with his body, in general. Minor flaws he wished were different. But with Dan, in situations like these, not one of them mattered. Dan never made him feel anything less than perfect. And Phil hopes to extend that same feeling to Dan, who’s body was beyond perfect in Phil’s eyes. He lets his hands wander again for a moment. Over Dan’s bum and his thighs and his lower back, just appreciating all these parts of Dan he might not normally get to see from this angle. And after a moment or two of that, he grabs their little bottle of lube again, and squeezes a generous amount onto his fingers. “Ready?”  
14:16  
May 🌈  
Dan yelps, though he well expected Phil to react in a similar way. "Ooh, kinky. Harder, Daddy," Dan laughs out long and genuine, still giggling when Phil asks if Dan is ready to be fingered. "Oh, don't mind me," Dan tries to relax his muscles with a few deep breaths. He turns his face the other way and closes his eyes, knowing exactly how fucking amazing this is going to feel. He's far past worrying about his body, Phil has long soothed those anxieties. Phil has plenty of better reasons not to love Dan than his pudgy middle, his gangly limbs, or the way his hair never, ever, ever does a single thing he wants it to. Dan is confident Phil loves his body the same way Dan loves Phil's, so what difference does it make if his toes curl too much or his teeth are crooked? Dan is far past trying to love his body but accepting Phil's love of his body is an easier chore. Their bodies are here to feel good and make the other feel good. How can Dan hate something that makes Phil happy and gives him sincere pleasure? He can't. Dan shifts a bit to free the hand closest to Phil to hold his, feeling soothed by his touch. Dan sighs contently, "I'm ready. I love you."  
14:23  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil rolls his eyes a little at Dan’s ‘daddy’ comment, though it’s all out of love. If there’s one thing the pair of them are not, it’s kinky. When it comes to the bedroom, they’re both fairly vanilla. No whips, no chains, no handcuffs, nothing crazy. They both so prefer to keep it simple. Neither of them is strongly dominant, or strongly submissive. It depends heavily on their mood on any given day. And even then, it’s all usually very equal. They’re not here to play out some strange fetish or try out any weird kinks. They just want to make each other feel good. And that what Phil wants to do now. He squeezes Dan’s hand, and presses a soft kiss to the lower part of his back, to relax him. He lets his hand come to Dan’s bottom again, this time allowing one finger to brush gently against one of Dan’s most intimate places. Then, when Dan is ready, Phil pushes one finger in, knowing this first part is usually the most uncomfortable.  
14:36  
May 🌈  
Phil's subtle affectionate touches truly do relax Dan. His body melts deeper into the mattress and the pillow below his hips that will definitely need to be washed after this. It's about time they change all their sheets, anyway. Those thoughts are so far away when Dan feels Phil's finger against his hole. He holds onto Phil's hand securely as he relaxes his body, slow and steady breaths anchoring him right here beneath Phil's gaze. He thinks of how Phil is right here watching each one of Dan's muscles tense and loosen the deeper he pushes his finger in. God, that thought does so much for Dan. Dan moans low and delicate into their sheets, more a content, pleasurable sigh than anything else. It's perhaps an odd feeling for all of two seconds, then it's the most soothing sensation Dan has ever known. It's the ultimate relief to that constant buzzing of 'not close enough.' Dan always wants Phil closer, more of Phil, and this is it. Having any part of Phil inside Dan does something really special to him. All those tense little muscles relax, leaving Dan a pliant pile of affection. "Oh, my God," Dan hums comfortably.  
14:43  
Charlie 🎄  
He and dan are so different. For as similar as they are, there’s certain little things that set them apart. And this is one of them, Phil thinks. Dan melts and moans almost right away, and Phil’s only got one finger in. This is always the worst part, when Phil finds himself bottoming. Just the one finger always feels so... odd. It’s not enough to do much for him, it just feels a bit like he’s getting a prostate exam. But that doesn’t appear to be the same issue for Dan. Dan goes pliant, he seems perfectly content, and Phil smiles as he works that one finger for a few short moments, and then carefully adds another. His free hand moves to rest at the small of Dan’s back, always soothing and gentle, while he works Dan open and gets him all warmed up. This part might feel a bit tedious at times, but it really was important. “Feel good?” He asks. Just checking. Always checking in.  
May 🌈  
"Mhm, so good," Dan nods easily to Phil's question. He turns his head back to where he can see Phil in the corner of his eye, his mind going to absolutely filthy places as Phil works his body up. He bites his lip, thinking of something they haven't done in an awfully long time. Dan and Phil are the type to take their time making love, but Dan just really, really wants Phil now. Surely, Phil won't mind. "Baby?" Dan reaches to touch Phil's cool, soft thigh with his fingertips just to feel a bit closer. Dan asks sweetly, "Would you let me suck you off? Like, now? Please?" As comforting and fucking wonderful as it is to lie back and let Phil massage his guts, Dan is getting antsy sitting so still. He wants to make Phil feel good, too, and he cannot imagine one thing that could make this moment better than Phil's cock in his mouth while his fingers are in his ass. Multitasking isn't always either of their fortes, but Dan thinks they'll be able to manage something simple enough with no more than a few awkward accidents and giggles. Those have never been a problem for Dan before.  
15:06  
Charlie 🎄  
It takes a fair amount of Phil’s self control not to moan just at the suggestion. Dan somehow always manages to have the best ideas. “Just try not to bite it this time.” He teases lightly, recalling one of the last times they’d tried to multitask this way. Phil had made a full recovery, but that didn’t mean it was pleasant. That was the downside to pleasing each other at the same time, he supposed. Easy to get distracted and forget what you were doing. But it really was so good, when it all worked out the way it was supposed to. So, for a moment, Phil pulled his fingers out again, so that they could shuffle around a little and find a position that would work. Thank god they’d decided to splash out on a king size when they moved out of their old flat. Plenty of space for this kind of thing in this great big bed.  
15:20  
May 🌈  
"Aw, baby," Dan coos through a laugh at the memory. He was horrified at the time. Dan had taken Phil's cock just a tad too deep, which surprised Phil into thrusting his fingers just a bit too hard into Dan, which resulted in the infamous bite. Half-bite. It was more surprise than anything else, but Dan felt horrible for weeks about it. "I promised it wouldn't happen again, yeah? I'll be careful," Dan promises as he crawls closer. "C'mere, right here." This is much better. Dan lies on his front with his shoulders in Phil's lap, the rest of his body just close enough so Phil can comfortably reach him, if only he has to lean over Dan a tad, which Dan has absolutely no problem with. Dan tucks his legs up under his body once more and sighs out comfortably once he's fully settled. He rests his head against Phil's thigh and starts pressing kisses against his skin. "So beautiful." This place is intimately familiar to Dan. Multitasking. Right. He relaxes his body once more before suckling tenderly on the side of Phil's length. Dan takes his time working up to Phil's cock, his hands on Phil's hips to keep him close. When he moans next, it's because Phil's warm length feels like heaven on his tongue. Dan keeps his jaw loose, but still ends up loosening it further to accommodate Phil. This is much, much better. Dan's eyes are fully closed, but he can see those little, blond hairs and the occasional freckle like his eyes are open. Dan moans again, this time more intentionally so Phil can feel the vibrations. As intimate as this is, it takes Dan's mind off his own pleasure squished between a pillow and his hip.  
15:28  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil laughs softly as they clumsily move around and adjust long limbs to accommodate each other. But once they find a comfortable position, Phil runs his hands down Dan’s back again, and gets back to what he was doing moments ago. Two fingers, gently, working Dan open and helping him relax, only mildly distracted by Dan’s lips and tongue. Dan will never not be good at this. He knows exactly what he’s doing. “God, Dan.” He hums, voice low and content. This isn’t where he thought they’d end up when they woke this morning. But he was so genuinely glad this is where the morning had taken them. They’d been so stressed lately. And what better stress reliever was there? None, surely. This had to be the most effective thing. No question. So, after another few moments, Phil added a third finger, knowing that Dan normally needed that in order to feel the most comfortable.  
15:58  
May 🌈  
Dan spreads his legs naturally as Phil adds a finger. He moans - how can he help himself? Phil knows exactly what he's doing. Dan feels Phil's fingers brushing past that very special place each time he thrusts in and, goodness, Dan is breathless. He truly has to focus on Phil's dick in his mouth to keep from letting those good feelings go straight to his head. It certainly isn't the quality of work Dan usually prides himself on. He keeps getting distracted and slack-jawed, but it's better than the alternative of tensing up and inadvertently hurting Phil. Dan squeezes Phil's waist and whines when Phil treads his fingers just a bit deeper in just the right place. He's so excited for Phil too properly fuck him. Phil's length feels hot and heavy in his mouth, filling Dan right up before he's even entirely hard. Dan knows just how Phil feels inside him, he does his very best to be patient about it. Obviously, patience is not one of Dan's primary virtues. Phil's taste, the way his muscles react to the back of Dan's throat, the way the vein in his length feels as Dan trails it with the tip of his tongue, it all just makes Dan want him more. Dan will always want more of Phil. If all they ever did is make love, it would still never be enough for Dan. He loves Phil too much.   
16:06  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil knows how to keep Dan on edge. He knows to avoid hitting that spot too firmly, lest Dan get too worked up, but he knows to brush it with his fingertips just every once in a while, to give Dan that little spark. They’ve been doing this for ten years. Phil knows what turns Dan on. He knows how to get him worked up and keep him there. And Phil knows they could both quite easily finish up just like this. But Phil doesn’t want that, and neither does Dan. So, when Phil is confident he’s got Dan well prepared, he carefully and gently removes his fingers, and lets his clean hand comb through Dan’s unruly curls. He gives a short, but sharp tug, a little smirk coming over him, and coaxes Dan to lift his head so Phil can kiss him properly. “How do you want me, baby?” He chuckles. He just wants to make Dan feel good. However Dan wants. Phil will give him anything.  
16:23  
May 🌈  
Dan whines at the loss of Phil's fingers, though he's getting butterflies in his chest at the thought of having Phil properly. He gasps at Phil's sudden, harsh tug at his curls. It feels so good. Dan looks up into Phil's eyes as he takes his mouth off Phil's cock to be quickly replaced with his mouth. Phil's smirk is something out of this world. Dan moans openly into Phil's mouth as he sits up just enough to reach Phil at a better angle. He takes Phil's free hand to hold, not caring in the slightest whether it's his messy or clean hand. They'll certainly need a shower after this, anyway. Dan can't think of a better way to finish things. Dan struggles to quit kissing Phil long enough to respond with a very intelligent, "Mm. Mm, Jesus." He kisses just once more as his brain catches up to the rest of him. He can hardly think deeply enough to realize kissing is making his brain work a little more slowly than it should. He manages to pull back long enough to say, "Um. C'mere, Beautiful." Dan throws a pillow to the side to make room to lie on his back and pull Phil over him, the bed a complete mess at this point. He wraps his legs around Phil's waist, "Good?" He goes right back to kissing Phil, unable to resist.   
16:28  
Charlie 🎄  
“Very good.” Phil agrees, kissing Dan in return for a few long moments, before he adjusts himself a little. He remembers the last time, when they forgot the condom and had to stop. He doesn’t want a repeat of that, so he pulls back for a moment to get the condom on, and spread a little more lube over himself, before lining up easily at Dan’s entrance. Phil leans ahead to kiss Dan again, using that delicate distraction to help him through that first initial push, and the discomfort that might come with it. He always gives Dan time to adjust, and get comfortable. He always waits for Dan’s approval before he goes any farther. And this time around is no different.  
26 December 2019  
10:37  
May 🌈  
"So very good," Dan giggles as they kiss, totally lost in the moment. He is so in love with Phil. Dan works to keep his body relaxes, as it isn't easy while Phil is winding him up. Phil leaves Dan absolutely breathless as he finally pushes in. Dan holds on tightly to Phil's shoulders, stunned for a moment by how amazing this all is. Memory can never quite match up; this is always better than Dan remembers it to be. "I love you," Dan finally whispers once he's as adjusted as he can be. He kisses Phil passionately, his hands in Phil's hair. He never wants this to end. Except he knows it can't possibly last longer than a few minutes, it's just too good. "You're perfect, Phil. You're so beautiful." Every part of Phil is overwhelming to Dan in moments like these. Dan feels connected to him on some other level he can't describe. "I love you. I love you, I love you," Dan says between kisses, needing to get those feelings out somehow. "Please, baby? Fuck me?" Dan is never quite ready, but he wants it so badly. Nobody else has ever made Dan feel this way, not anywhere close.   
10:45  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil can’t help but smile against Dan’s lips as he just keeps talking, keeps rattling off compliments and confessions of love. Dan has always been the more vocal of the two in the bedroom. Phil tends to be a little more quiet, but Dan certainly makes up for it. “You’re so fucking cute.” Phil laughs softly, breathlessly, as he begins to move in slow, steady motions. No matter how much he’s stretched beforehand, Dan is always so blissfully tight. and as fantastic as that feels, Phil knows he needs to be more careful, so as not to hurt him. Dan does still have to see his family later, and Phil’s sure he doesn’t want to limp into the room. But Dan’s family is about the last thing on Phil’s mind. How can he think about anything but Dan in a moment like this? As he settles into a slow, easy rhythm, his lips trail down along Dan’s jaw again, once in a while dropping down to his neck just for a moment or two. Never too long, he didn’t want Dan to be overwhelmed. But he did want Dan to enjoy being touched like that, in such an intimate context.  
11:08  
May 🌈  
Dan can hardly breathe, it all feels so good. It feels more than just physically good, it feels like this is where Dan belongs. A whole world full of lives and people and choices, Dan got lucky and found the exact place he belongs: right here underneath the love of his life. Dan loses track of his whines and moans, totally lost in Phil. He already knows he won't last particularly long this way. Dan rolls his head back with a moan when Phil kisses his neck, feeling electricity in his spine. To be totally encompassed by Phil, who means so very much to Dan, is for him, something of a spiritual experience. Dan finds Phil's hand to hold, because he just wants more of him. He has, on occasion, found himself in tears at moments like these. Phil hates it, but it isn't because Dan is sad, it's because he's happier than he knows what to do with. Dan might lose a tear now, but he isn't quite feeling enough to fully cry just yet. He moves along with Phil's hips as he thrusts, letting out a shuttering moan when Phil's length moves against that special spot that makes Dan gasp. It's all so good, Dan can hardly think. His hand wanders about Phil's body, touching where he knows will make Phil feel best.   
11:17  
Charlie 🎄  
It’s all very slow and sweet today. And Phil loves that. He loved being able to make Dan feel this way, with such care, and such intention behind every movement. Dan means so very much to him, and Phil wants to treat him with the utmost care and respect that he deserves, in every situation. He lets a few pleased sounds of his own slip, whenever Dan touches him just right, or tenses around him just so. Moments like these, Phil thinks, are about more than just getting off. It’s so much more than that. This is about loving each other in the most intimate way. It’s about sharing something so intense and so personal with someone you love. And maybe today in particular, it’s about healing. It’s about proving that love doesn’t have to hurt. Love doesn’t have to be traumatic. It’s supposed to be this way. It’s supposed to be good. Phil does open his eyes for a moment, and he finds a few gentle tears on Dan’s cheeks. This happens sometimes. And every time, it makes Phil a bit nervous. But today, they’re practicing trust. So rather than stop, or pull away, like he might in the past, Phil simply kisses those tears away, his forehead resting against Dan’s as if no amount of physical contact will ever be enough.  
11:46  
May 🌈  
Dan had never in his life been so deeply cared for by anybody than he is by Phil. Dan doesn't know what to do with half the love Phil gives him, but every single bit of it is appreciated. Phil kisses tears away that Dan doesn't even realize he has and now, he really wants to cry, but he doesn't. He cups Phil's cheeks and kisses him ever so softly, needing him to know how gently and preciously Dan holds him in his heart. Phil's moans of pleasure mean the world to Dan, Phil means the world to him. He's holding his whole world in his hands and Dan can't find the words to tell Phil just how important he is. "You're my soulmate," Dan whispers as he looks up at Phil, his hands still holding his face tenderly. No 'souls don't exist' this time. If anyone could make Dan believe, it's Phil. He made Dan believe in love, something he never really dreamed of before Phil. If there is something more than that, something spiritual or otherworldly Dan has it right here with Phil. "I know you are," Dan wraps Phil up in a hug and embraces him tightly, their hips still moving together rhythmically. "I love you," unable to sit still, Dan kisses all over Phil's face, still holding him tightly.   
11:57  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil’s arms wrap tightly around Dan, holding his body close, not an inch of space between them. Skin on warm skin, so close it’s almost hard to tell where Phil’s body ends and Dan’s begins. It’s not always like this, so intense and intimate and almost emotional. But today, it is. And that’s more than okay. Dan’s softly spoken words are such an immense comfort to Phil. Because Dan is such a cynic, who believes in nothing. He’s so very analytical, almost annoyingly so, and if science can’t prove it, then Dan doesn’t believe it. Except for this. Except for them. And that means more to Phil than Dan will ever understand. “I love you Bear.” He breathes, his breath hot and heavy against Dan’s lips. That nickname didn’t start with Phil. Dan was Bear long before Phil ever knew him. But Phil liked it so much, that he never stopped using it once he learned about it. It was so fitting, in so very many ways. Dan was a big teddy bear of a man. He was so sweet, and loving, and affectionate, the way you might assume a bear to be upon first glance. But there was a ferocity there, beneath the surface. A fierceness, that came out whenever Dan was feeling threatened or cornered. A grumpiness, when he was unhappy. It used to come out more frequently than it did now. But no matter what, Dan was his bear. At his most cuddly, and his most mean, Dan was his, and Phil would have it no other way.  
17:36  
May 🌈  
Dan loses all conception of time. He and Phil spend as much time as they can this way. They hold each other closely, kiss each other deeply, touch each other absolutely everywhere, and whisper beautiful things to each other until they really can't possibly last much longer. Dan can feel Phil tensing and his own neglected erection is becoming impossible to ignore any longer. He can feel it nearly throbbing between them, the only friction being Phil's abdomen moving against his own. Dan begs through shaky breaths, his heart beating to the rhythm of Phil's hips, "Baby, baby, baby, I'm so fucking close. Please?" Phil knows well enough how very sensitive Dan gets just after he comes, as badly as he wants Phil to keep fucking him after he's come. Dan wants so badly to feel Phil come in him, hear all those lovely little sounds he makes when he does, watch his whole body react to the explosion of good feelings. "Baby, Sunshine," Dan moans as he kisses Phil once again, desperate to drag this moment out as long as he can. Dan's never settled on one particular nickname for Phil, he's more comfortable using his wide range of pet names. Phil is everything to him, so it makes sense to Dan to call him every name under the sun. He's Dan's, that's what matters.   
17:56  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil hears Dan’s begging, and he lets out just a sound in response. It’s about all he can manage at the moment. He does soon find it in him to properly respond, with a simple, “Come, baby, go on.” Though he realizes that Dan might need a little more attention in order to fully get there. He readjusts his position a little, allowing just enough space between their bodies so that he can get his hand around Dan’s sore, leaking cock. The slight change in position, he knows will make him thrust into Dan’s spot more directly. Phil is just right there, right on the edge, and it’s just a moment or two longer before his thrusts begin to lose their steady rhythm, and he lets out a low groan as he’s pushed over the edge.  
18:14  
May 🌈  
It takes all of five seconds before Dan is crying out Phil's name in complete pleasure like it's the only word he can remember. Maybe it is, in this moment. He holds onto Phil with a death grip. Nothing could tear them apart. It seems to go on for ages, but Dan's sure it doesn't. It's just perfect. There are few things in life better than feeling Phil come inside him. On account of Dan's overall sensitivity after sex, he isn't a fan of feeling come inside him after it's all over. It drips everywhere, it gets cold, and it just makes Dan feel all the more empty when he can't have Phil inside him anymore. If that's Dan's only complaint, he's more than happy. Everything else is beautiful. Phil's voice, however quieter than Dan's, is sexy beyond words when he comes. The face he pulls is so natural and genuine, the way his body moves is so uniquely Phil. Dan adores him beyond measure. His lips are on Phil just as soon as he's coming down from it, needing to show him he loves him, even if his body is finished. He touches Phil so gently when he pulls him in closely, his hands a bit unsteady. "Mm," Dan whimpers into a kiss as he tries to find his words, "I love you. I love you, Angel. Thank you. You're so amazing."  
18:20  
Charlie 🎄  
There it is again. Like every time before, that confusing, but adorable thanks Phil gets every time they do this. He holds Dan right, he rolls over carefully into their sides so that he doesn’t crush Dan beneath his weight, and he just clings to him for a long few moments as their breathing steadies and their hearts slow down. He very gently moves his hips back, pulling out of Dan as softly as he can, knowing how tender that can feel. “I love you.” He whispers, soft kisses placed against every inch of Dan his lips can reach. “Feels okay?”  
18:40  
May 🌈  
Dan holds onto Phil tightly and lets him do what he wants, trusting he'll take care of them. Dan can't help the whine that slips out when Phil does. It doesn't hurt in the slightest, it's just that Dan misses Phil already. "Feels literally perfect," Dan mumbles against Phil's lips. He kisses Phil very gently and jokes in a whisper once he catches his breath, "I warned you I'd keep you in bed all morning. This is your fault." He kisses all over Phil's face, clearly having no qualms about the way he's chosen to spend his time. Everything else just has to wait. "I love you with all of my heart," Dan says like he hasn't made this point abundantly clear. He touches Phil with only kindness as he pulls the condom off, knowing it will start feeling uncomfortable soon. He drops it in the bin beside his side of the bed and rests his big hand on Phil's hip, his skin very soft there. "Do you feel good?" Dan kisses along Phil's jawline with a little smile on his face, abundantly happy. As sleepy as Dan is feeling right now, he knows they need to get up and eat something before they continue with their day.  
18:47  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, warm and happy against Dan’s skin, and nods. “So good.” He whispers. He does feel a very minor guilt about keeping Fan so distracted, making him even more late than he was already, but that guilt couldn’t possibly last, seeing how happy Dan was and how good he felt. If anybody asked, Dan simply slept through his alarm. That was still true. And nobody else needed the details. Just them. They needed this today, after so many days of worry and stress, they needed to just take this time to be with each other. And Phil was so very glad that they did. “Need a shower.” He mumbles absentmindedly after a moment. He can feel the cooling sticky feeling against his abdomen, and he assumes Dan is feeling similarly gross and wet.  
21:39  
May 🌈  
Dan hums in agreement and smiles, "Mind reader. Share one with me?" The morning is lovely beyond imagination. Dan adores all his days with Phil, but this one is particularly special to him. He won't be forgetting it anytime soon. Eventually, when Dan and Phil have just finished eating breakfast, Dan decides he absolutely cannot put off checking his phone any longer. And, of course, Adrian wants to know what time they're going to move furniture. Dan huffs out a sigh of part relief and part annoyance, "Just Adrian." He explains with a sense of humor, "Mum's out, I don't know where she'll be. I know how much you love moving, you're welcome to join us. It'll just be Adrian and I. Moving rooms, then we'll spend a couple of hours with Grandma, then I'll be home before dinner. Adrian's spending the night again. We're on Grandpa duty again, apparently. He's probably driving my nan mad." Dan realizes a bit too late how incriminating that sounds, "He's lovely, just overbearing. She feels like he's babying her, that's all." Dan runs a hand through his damp curls, "Word on the street is that he was grouchy this morning about her crutches or something."  
21:48  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil loves these slow, easy mornings. They shower, they get dressed in comfy clothes, they make breakfast together, and they eat on the couch and watch the next episode of the show they’ve been watching together. When Dan finally checks his phone, Phil smiles a little at the invitation to come with. Dan seems to be offering simply as a courtesy, not because he’s in any sort of distress. “Maybe next time, yeah?” He says, letting one hand rest against Dan’s knee. “I’ve got so many emails it’s a bit mad. And I’d like to edit the videos I filmed yesterday, and just catch up on some work stuff.” He reasoned. “I’ll come with you next time, when she’s home and settled in. If everyone is okay with that.” He smiles gently. He knows that Dan mentioned his grandma wanting to meet him. But that was better to wait until she was feeling a bit better, he thought.

((Hey, I just had an idea about bringing Dan’s dad back into the picture and wanted to share! Maybe he comes to the flat while Dan is at home moving his grandmas house around? Or some other time Dan’s away or out somewhere. Like he comes to London looking for Dan for whatever reason, and gets Phil instead? It can be dramatic or wholesome, I haven’t fully thought it through, but it’s an idea!))  
21:49  
May 🌈  
[I SUPER love that idea!!]  
22:04  
"I have to see that footage. I don't even know what they're about, I'm dying to see it. Guilty pleasure, I love your outtakes when you're knackered. You're so fucking funny," Dan laughs a bit at the thought. He sets his plate aside and leans into Phil's side, "Mhm. You don't have to come up with excuses, it's okay. Moving sucks and my family isn't much better. You're valid, babe." He pecks Phil's cheek, feeling more human now than he has in a long time, "More than okay. I'd love that." He adds, "To be clear, you don't need an excuse for that one, either. Don't feel like you have to." Dan was a bit hysterical when he spoke with Phil over the phone. He didn't exactly give Phil a lot of leeway to choose not to see his partner's dying grandmother, in retrospect. "It's not a big deal. You don't have to get involved. You can think about it. You know I won't be upset." If Dan is allowed to disengage from his entire family for, more or less, ten years, Phil is more than welcome to remain as uninvolved as he so chooses. 

[ 👀 I just really like that idea 😂👀😂 tbh I think it would be hella interesting for Dan's father to come back to make amends and actually try to fix everything instead of coming back to be an asshole like EXACTLY when things are finally getting really good between Dan and Phil and everyone else]  
22:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil smiles, and wraps an arm properly around Dan’s waist. “I’m not making excuses.” He smiles. “I do want to see her. All of them, if they’ll have me. But it’ll take time. I get that.” He said. Dan was just starting to grow closer to his family for the first time since Phil had known him. Phil wanted to let Dan have his time with them before he really came into the picture. In a way, it was like they were all just really meeting Dan for the first time. That would take time as well, for them all to get to know each other and mend fences and bond. Then, after that, maybe Phil would start coming around a little. He didn’t want to jump in too quickly and make anyone uncomfortable. He knew they weren’t exactly his biggest fans. Maybe they blamed him for Dan’s absence in their lives. Maybe they thought Phil swooped in and took him away and kept him away. That wasn’t the case, but he’d understand why they might think that.

((I thought it would be interesting to have him just show up out of the blue! I guess the reason he comes back is up to you, but I know you were trying to think of a way to do it so I had to share!))  
23:07  
May 🌈  
No, of course Phil isn't making excuses, he's fucking perfect, he would never. He's the most genuinely compassionate, good person Dan has ever known, of course he would love nothing more than to subject himself to Dan's mortifyingly abusive family because that's what selfless, good people do. "You know, I'll have to call in a few special favors after this, see if I can get the Queen to knight you or something for being England's best boyfriend or whatever. I've thought about it before, but I don't know, this is sort of unprecedented." He kisses Phil's collar near his shoulder, "Mm, I'll miss you. I'll do the thumbnails if you want. Or edit the captions once you post. Whatever." Dan wants to feel like he's contributing and giving something back to Phil, sure, but more so, he wants to get back into working again. He can't just not do anything and let Phil pull the financial weight forever, not that they actually have anything to worry about anymore. Dan has worked so hard for his career, he can't just let it go. Maybe it would help to be involved in the process for a bit. Maybe it would also take his mind off of his personal issues, as well. It can't hurt to be actually productive.

[I love it! Do you think today while Dan is gone ?]  
23:15  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil laughs a bit at Dan’s silliness, and shakes his head. “Too much work, being a knight.” He chuckled. “I think I’ll just stick to being a pain in your ass.” He winked. Though when Dan mentions doing captions, or thumbnails, Phil nods a little bit. “That’ll be good, you’re so much better at thumbnails than me.” He smiled. It was good that Dan wanted to get back into it again, no matter how minor. His coming out video had taken months. Dan had spent hours upon hours filming and re-filming, editing and re-editing, scrapping bits and doing them over and making them perfect. He’d spent many hours on the phone, or on skype with hector, who’d done all the little illustrations. Phil had so little to do with that process because there were just some things Dan didn’t want him to see. Phil saw that video in its entirety for the first time, the day it was posted. Like everyone else. And since then, Dan had wanted a break. They were both still working, of course. They had a business to run, and they each had new projects on the go, but from their audiences perspective, it might just look like Dan had disappeared. But he deserved a break. He’d been through a lot. He deserved to take as much time for himself as he needed. They had a good, healthy savings, and Phil brought in enough on his own to support them. He just took on an extra sponsorship or two.

((I was thinking today, but it’s up to you!))  
23:50  
May 🌈  
"You're full of good ideas," Dan smiles. Phil is literally never a pain in Dan's ass, but Dan's sure he wouldn't mind if he were. Dan sighs, "I should head out." He kisses Phil lingeringly and cups his cheek, hesitant to leave. The sooner he goes, the sooner he can come back. "Thank you for this morning. You're amazing," Dan mentions just once more. "I love you. I'll see you tonight. I'll text you when I'm ready to leave. Don't have too much fun without me." Dan pecks Phil's lips just one more time before standing to go. Dan is sure today will be good. It's already been wonderful, and he's just nearly halfway through it. He's confident his good mood can survive until tonight when he can come back home and be with Phil. Dan feels strong. As long as they don't discuss their father, Adrian and Dan should get on just fine. So long as Adrian actually stays the night with his grandma, as he's been doing, their grandfather should have no problem sleeping at home until tomorrow morning. At any rate, Dan would just be crowding the room by staying overnight. Then, tomorrow morning, Dan's grandma can go home and they'll have a new set of obstacles, but at least she won't be so alone. Everyone will feel better once she's home and they're very nearly there.   
23:56  
Charlie 🎄  
“Love you.” Phil smiles, pecking Dan’s lips, and letting him stand. “Just text me when you get on the train, and I’ll come meet you at the station.” He promises. “And call me if you need me. I’ll be there.” He reminds Dan again. Things might be stable, and going well, but that offer will always be open. Phil would truly drop everything to be there for Dan if he was needed. No video or household chore was worth risking Dan’s comfort or safety. “Have a good day, my love.” He smiles again, standing and following Dan to the front door to see him off. Their day may have gotten off to a difficult start, with Dan’s little scare, but they’d certainly made the most of it. That little mishap was so far behind them now, buried deep beneath much better memories. If only all of their problems could be solved that way.  
27 December 2019  
00:25  
May 🌈  
Dan gives Phil a quick hug before jogging down the stairs to leave their building. Dan wonders if leaving Phil for any amount of time will ever be easy. Dan is well out of downtown London and has his mother's room entirely empty by the time his surprise visitor makes it to Dan and Phil's London flat. The man rings the doorbell and waits impatiently for his son to answer, his foot tapping in that incessant way Dan's does when he's particularly irritated or nervous. He resembles Dan closely in height, hair, and even facial features, far more so than Adrian. He has tan skin, dark wrinkles, and a well-set in frown neither son shares. He's dressed British enough, if not a tad young for his age, though he does look significantly older than his real age. Life has not been kind to him, especially as of late. He puts his cigarette out under his shoe in the hall at the last moment, having forgotten he was smoking it until he remembers how much his eldest son hates cigarettes. That would be quite the piss poor start.  
00:32  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil has just finished changing the dirty sheets on their bed and placed them in the wash when the doorbell rings. It takes him a little off guard. He’s not expecting anyone. It’s a bit late for the postman. He thinks for a moment that maybe Dan forgot something. His keys? Is that why he’s ringing the bell? Phil goes to the door and pulls it open before peering through the peephole, and he’s a bit shocked at what, or rather who, he finds on the other side. The man looks older, more downtrodden and unkempt than Phil had last seen him. But he’s recognizable enough. And Phil almost bristles a little at the sight. Thank god Dan has gone. Thank god. Dan didn’t need this today. “Oh, um.. hi.” Phil says, trying not to seem so taken aback. “Sorry, Dan’s... he’s not home. He’s out.” He says, hoping the man will take that as an answer and go away. Phil doesn’t know what to say to him. This is quite possibly the one person in Dan’s family Phil’s not sure he’s quite willing to meet. But apparently, he didn’t get a choice in that matter.  
00:52  
May 🌈  
Dan's father gives Phil a good, distinct look up and down before responding in any way. "Hi, there, Phil," the man greets in a gravelly voice in monotone. At least he calls Phil by his preferred nickname rather than the full birth name most other family members his age refer to him by. He considers that a courtesy to Phil and his son. He's very obviously uninterested in anything Phil has to say. "Go on and send him on out, will you? His old dad's got to talk with him. It's important. Family business. He's getting a bit old for this, you reckon?" Even his accent is distinctly less cordial than Dan's. It's clear he's from a part of London Dan will never have to live in, not now that his career is thriving. Dan developed his winnie-the-pooh personality long before his gruff father really came into the picture. His mother and grandma raised him for the most part, so he was able to tune into his true self beyond masculine norms. Adrian didn't get that time, so he's much more like his father. He has the man's addictive personality, for a start, which has gotten him in more trouble than he knew what to do with. He's proud, being a certain type of man is important to him, and he has a tendency toward a stubborn nature. In moderation, these traits aren't really a problem. The problem is that moderation does not come easy to the Howells. 

[I also don't know Dan's father's name do you have any ideas ! 💕 ]  
01:05  
Charlie 🎄  
“He’s not here.” Phil says again, not wanting to seem too brash, but wanting to get his point across. He won’t tell the man where Dan’s gone. Dan won’t want that. Instead, he says simply, “He’s gone out for the day. I can have him call you later on, if you’d like?” He offers. Dan won’t call him, that, Phil knows. But he can offer regardless. Hopefully the offer will be enough to get the man on his way. If Phil were more polite, he might invite him in. Offer him a cup of tea and a chat, like a good boyfriend should when one of the in-laws came around. But if he were perfectly honest, Phil wasn’t sure he felt totally comfortable being alone with this man. Especially now, when nobody had heard from him in weeks, and Phil had no idea how much the man knew about the goings-on of his own family. Phil wouldn’t be the one to share any of that information. It wasn’t his to tell.  
01:05  
((I’m not sure what his name is irl, but a lot of fanfics and things call him James, so maybe that?))  
01:25  
May 🌈  
Still leant back on his hip, James gives Phil a once-over that isn't meant to be at all threatening, but he has a history of exuding intimidation without much effort. He actually considers that Phil might not be lying. James sighs and shrugs, "You've certainly grown, ain't you, Phil?" Dan's father asks rhetorically with a chuckle, but not much of a smile. He still has that extra inch taller than Phil, just like Dan, and Phil will always be lanky, but Phil has grown. He seems much less timid than he did when James last saw him. They didn't talk much, but Dan's father is particularly good at picking out characters. His son chose a seemingly non-threatening person to keep around. That person just happens to be wrong enough to give Dan a sense of rebellion. James thinks he understands, though he's never taken the time to sincerely listen to Dan talk about Phil. "It is quite important, son. Why don't we call Dan now? I'll set up to meet with him later today. Then, I'll be proper out of your hair and you can get on with it." The man generally gets what he wants. Dan considers himself lucky his father has very rarely ever wanted anything from Dan.  
01:34  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil isn’t sure how to get out of this one. He hates lying, but he doesn’t want to give in to this man. Phil’s not the confrontational type, not whatsoever. But in a situation like this, knowing how Dan will certainly not want to come home and talk to his estranged father, Phil feels the need to stand up a little taller. He might be a bit meek and mild, but he would stand up for Dan in this. This was their home. This man had never stepped foot inside this place. And Phil didn’t think Dan would want him to. “I’ll let him know you stopped by.” Phil says again, hoping that his tone will suggest that he’s not going to negotiate this. Maybe he’s being too defensive. He doesn’t know what to expect, or how to handle this situation. He’s just doing his best under circumstances he’s never really prepared himself for. Phil will tell Dan about this later. Once he’s home and fed and settled in. Right now, Dan is bonding with his family. The ones he actually wants a relationship with. Phil can do this for him. Phil can handle this.  
09:14  
May 🌈  
James is so very obviously unhappy with Phil's response, but he keeps quiet about it. He knows causing a scene will not benefit him right now. If looks could kill, James' dark eyes lacking that warmth in Dan's would certainly put blood on his hands. He finally breaks the silence with a tense jaw, a tenser fist, and a calm tone, "Yes, you will." He gives Phil a half-hearted smirk and a wink before taking a step back from the doorway, "I'll speak to Dan today, and we'll have no problems." James does not like leaving empty-handed, but that's exactly what he does. Just like that, he's gone back onto the streets of London, a new cigarette on his lips. James is totally unaffected by the confrontation with Phil. He has the information he needs. He heads straight for Wokingham, expecting Dan to be with his grandmother if Phil was unwilling to tell James his whereabouts. She certainly won't want James around, but James can work his family dynamics well enough to manage, so long aa Adrian and Karen are there. They'll fight for his right to be present.   
09:24  
Charlie 🎄  
The interaction leaves Phil feeling a little shaken. He hasn’t got a clue if he’s done the right thing. He feels like he hasn’t, because the man just heads off with a grin, and Phil wonders if wokingham could be his next stop. Of course, where else would he go? Did Phil expect him to just go back to wherever he’d come from after how many weeks? Phil should have... what? Talked to him? Invited him in? What could he have done? This wasn’t exactly a situation they’d talked about. There had been no briefing on how should he react if Dan’s father showed up unannounced. All Phil could do now he supposed, was send a warning. He closed and locked the door again, and grabbed his phone from the counter, and held it in slightly trembling hands as he called Dan and let it ring.  
09:33  
May 🌈  
Moving old furniture around on a rainy day turns out to be far more fun than it should be. Adrian and Dan are totally unsupervised, so they're laughing too hard to get anything properly done. They're not the most productive two. It all started with Adrian's bad mood that Dan had to pull him out of, because nobody can stand a grumpy Adrian, so here they are, blasting Adrian's stupid indie music and exchanging bad jokes loudly over it as they haul big, wooden furniture around. Dan is laughing quite nearly hysterically when he feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. "Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on, wait-wait-wait," Dan sets down his end of the bed frame too quickly, earning some loud complaints from Adrian. He groans and turns the music off so Dan can talk on the phone. "Hello? Phil, sweetheart?" He's still laughing a bit, but he calms down significantly to listen to Phil, "Is everything okay?" It only occurs to him a tad late that it's a little strange for Phil to be calling him. Dan couldn't have left more than a couple of hours ago.  
09:40  
Charlie 🎄  
Oh god, Dan’s laughing. He sounds so happy. And now Phil has to ruin it. “Um, yeah... kind of.” He says, sitting down on the sofa as he tries to decide how to say what he wants to say without causing a panic. “Just... don’t freak out. But I think your dad is on his way home.” He says. Better to just say it. Rip off the plaster. But then, he realizes, Dan is going to need some context behind that statement. “He... he was just here.” He adds, trying to sound as stable and unaffected by the short exchange as he could. “He wanted to talk to you. And I told him you were out, and I’d tell you he came by, and he just... he said he was going to talk to you today, and he left. He’s probably coming back home.” Phil said. “I’m sorry, Bear. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t expect him to just... come here. I just had to call and tell you. Do you want to come home? Should I come to you?” He asks. He’s anxious. He feels like he’s set a terrible chain of events into motion and he doesn’t know how to fix it.  
09:53  
May 🌈  
Dan sobers as soon as he hears Phil's voice. Something is seriously wrong, "Baby, what's going on?" He excuses himself to a random room and closes the door, hoping for some privacy from Adrian. Dan's brain is slow to catch up to Phil's words. His voice is lower, but compassionate, when he asks, "My dad? He… Phil, are you okay? What happened?" This is quite literally one of Dan's very worst nightmares. Phil is an independent adult, but Dan's father can be a violent man and Phil was alone with him. Phil, Dan's precious, precious love. He can just hope Phil didn't open the door to him. Dan wouldn't have. They already share a distinct fear of home invasion, so just the thought of someone so dangerous on their doorstep is jarring. "Just-Just tell me exactly what happened, love. Are you safe?" Dan instructs gently, thinking Phil will be properly shaken if anything happened. Dan's heart is pounding at the thought of his father coming anywhere near Phil. He doesn't know what he'll do if the man hurt Phil in any way.  
09:59  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Phil assures quickly. “Nothing happened, really. He didn’t come in, he was here for maybe.. two whole minutes.” Phil explained. “He wanted to talk to you. And I told him you weren’t home. I don’t think he believed me at first, because he asked again for me to get you. I told him you were out for the day, and I’d get you to call him when you got home. He suggested I should call you right then, so he could talk to you, and I told him no.” Phil says, detailing the events to Dan as they happened. “He didn’t like that. He said he was going to talk to you today, and then he just... left. I can only assume he’s coming back to wokingham.” He said. “What do you want to do, baby? Should I come? I’m sorry to spring this on you. I didn’t want to let him in, I just... I don’t know, what do you need?”  
10:12  
May 🌈  
Not once in the past ten years has Dan's father just showed up on his doorstep. "No, no, don't apologize, please, you're perfect," Dan clarifies, just relieved Phil is safe. Everything else can be negotiated, not Phil. "No, no, no, just stay, okay? Keep the bloody door locked, Christ," Dan sighs nervously. His mind is racing. How did his father get his address? Why did he just show up? Why Dan, when he has two other family members who worship the ground he walks on? What does he want from Dan that he couldn't first get from Adrian or his wife? He'll be angry, that Dan is confident of. "I just-" Dan stutters out when he realizes he hasn't said anything to Phil in too long. "Sorry. Um. First of all, I am so sorry, Phil. I literally had no idea. I've had his number blocked for months. If he gave me any warning, I never got it." Maybe that was a bad decision, but Dan was so angry, how could he deal with messages from this man? "Just stay home," Dan requests in a more gentle voice. "I'm going back to the hospital," Dan decides. That's the clever choice, isn't it? They have police officers and security guards there for this exact reason. Dan needs to be there and, at the very least, keep him far away from his grandmother. The last thing she needs is to be confronted by her aggressive son-in-law right now. "I'll keep you updated, yeah?"  
10:27  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil nods, but he doesn’t exactly feel good about it. “Please be safe.” He says gently. He knows Dan has far more experience in this field that Phil does. He just wants this all to turn out. Perhaps the man will change his mind. Maybe he’ll decide to stay away for a while longer. Maybe he’ll come back here, even. Phil would rather he show back up on this doorstep, because at least then Phil will know where he is, and he’ll know that Dan is safe. That’s all that’s important to Phil right now. Nothing else in the world matters to Phil as much as Dan’s safety, not even his own. “Call me immediately if you need me.” He says. “I love you. I’m sorry this happened today.” He adds. It’s not what anybody needed, just when things started to be getting better. One disaster after another, these days.  
13:08  
May 🌈  
"Of course, of course. I'll be fine, honey," Dan promises, obviously overwhelmed. He's so mad this happened. Phil was alone, who knows what might have happened if his father hadn't decided to be somewhat civil? "I love you so much, I'm sorry this happened," Dan retorts lovingly. Phil does not deserve to deal with this. He should feel safe in their home. "Are you okay, Phil? Actually? Please, just be honest with me. I'll get this sorted out and make sure everyone here is okay, then I'll be home as soon as I can." He knows Phil is only worried about Dan, but Dan needs to properly check in with Phil. This is scary and Phil is not at all equipped to handle anything like this. No, Phil wasn't injured, but if Dan knows anything about his father, he knows he likely intimidated Phil. That's so fucking unacceptable. Dan's really, really angry about this entire situation, but especially for Phil. They'll have a long talk about this once Dan is home and calmed down. Dan needs to be there for Phil as soon as he can.   
13:11  
[Also no offense but I love this fanart and had to share ❤ ]  
13:11

13:17  
Charlie 🎄  
“I’m really okay.” Phil promises. “I’m just worried for you, is all.” He says. Phil has very little experience with Dan’s father. Any time they’d met in the past had been very brief hellos and pretty much nothing else. So to have him show up here today, unannounced, uninvited, acting as though he had every right to be here, it rubbed Phil the wrong way. Talking about how much he’d grown, as if the man had ever even glanced his direction for more than a second. Hearing some of Dan’s stories about the man, Phil didn’t exactly feel too cozy with him. How could he feel comfortable with someone who caused Dan so much hurt? Phil was not impolite, but he had no desire to give the man more than the bare minimum of human decency, even when he looked at Phil with such anger and disgust. He’d be fine. If the man returned, Phil wouldn’t be answering the door. He just wanted Dan to be safe. Dan knew the man better than Phil. Dan might be more likely to argue, and Phil dreaded the thoughts of where an argument could go. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come? I can be there. I can come get you, and bring you home, so you don’t have to travel alone. Don’t stay if it’s going to put you in a bad place.” He says softly, hoping Dan will listen.  
13:17  
((That’s so pretty!))  
13:37  
May 🌈  
Dan can't honestly say he wants to be anywhere but at home with Phil. Why not just go home now? He can avoid all of his problems like he's gotten so good at doing. He can lock that door and hide away with Phil until his father gets the idea that Dan isn't going to play along with whatever it is he wants. Dan really considers it now. He doesn't have to put himself through this, nobody can make him. Dan thinks of Adrian in the other room, who has suffered so much because of their father. From the addiction issues he's struggled with since he was barely a teenager to the total detachment he feels toward his own mother who has been a victim of this asshole since long before Adrian was born, Adrian doesn't deserve this. If Dan bails now, how can Adrian see him as better than his father? Adrian deserves to trust someone, and maybe that isn't Dan's responsibility, but Dan will always want to protect his little brother. Dan thinks of his grandparents in that hospital room: exhausted, hurt, and far too old to deal with a son-in-law with a violent history. He thinks of his mother, who knows where she is today? Dan's hardly seen her. Maybe she has something to do with this. He's certain if Adrian didn't give James Dan's address, Karen did. Dan takes a deep breath, "Let me talk to Adrian first. I'll… I'll think about it." He's clearly conflicted. "I just want you home where you're safe," Dan clarifies.   
13:43  
Charlie 🎄  
Phil sighs, but he understands. Of course he understands. All either of them want is for the other to be okay. “Alright, okay. Just... be safe. Call me. I love you.” He says. Phil doesn’t know how this will go. Maybe Dan’s dad will show up and they’ll chat and it will be lovely. Not likely, but is it wrong for Phil to hope? Perhaps he’s gone back to apologize. To make amends and fix the son he broke so long ago. Phil can’t get his hopes up like that, but it’s better than thinking about the alternative, in which Dan comes home hurt in any way at all. Physically, mentally, or emotionally, it’s just not right. He’s worked so hard to be okay with the life he was given. Dan did not deserve to have that all taken away in an afternoon. “I’ll let you go now. He‘s probably on a train by now, you should go. Call me. Let me know what’s happening.” Phil reminds again. His anxiety simply will not let him rest until Dan is home safe where he belongs.  
13:52  
May 🌈  
"I love you," Dan finishes the phone call, though it really hurts to hang up on Phil this time. How is Dan going to do this? What is he even meant to do? The phone call leaves Dan with more questions than answers, so he can only imagine how Phil feels. Dan takes a few deep breaths to keep himself calm before he heads out to find Adrian downstairs. Adrian loves their father. Dan wonders how much that's changed since he abandoned Adrian. Again. "Hey. Can we talk?" Dan speaks lowly as he walks slowly into the kitchen where Adrian sits and scrolls through his phone. Dan has a horrible, paranoid thought that Adrian is speaking with their father right now. Did he help him plan this? Dan takes a seat next to Adrian and starts gently, but soberly, "That was Phil. He said Dad just showed up at our flat out of nowhere. Have you spoken with Dad lately?" It isn't incriminating, Dan isn't trying to get Adrian in trouble or anything. Dan just needs to know exactly where he stands before he moves forward here. Dan tries to keep his face neutral, but he doesn't doubt for a second some of his frustrations and fears are peering through. Surely, Adrian doesn't know anything. He would not be here if he knew their father is back.  
Charlie 🎄  
When Dan leaves the room, it’s pretty sudden, and his tone suggests something is wrong. It sounds like he’s talking to Phil, but he’s closed himself off in another room before Adrian can be sure. It sounds pretty serious though, so when Dan comes back a while later, asking to talk, Adrian turns his attention to his brother. His jaw drops a little bit when Dan tells him what’s going on. “I’ve been calling him for... like two weeks?” He says, shaking his head. “He never answers. He hasn’t picked up the phone at all, didn’t even answer a text.” Adrian says. “Is he okay? What did Phil say?” He asks. Of course he’s worried about his father. He’d all but dropped off the fave of the planet without any warning. Everyone was worried about him. Everyone except Dan. But Dan had never really given a shit about their father.  
14:05  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't think he and Adrian have ever had a good conversation about their father, so he's on high alert. The last thing he wants is to make Adrian feel like he doesn't care about him. "I'm sorry he left you," Dan tries to empathize with Adrian, he really does, even if he's fuming about this whole thing. He shrugs, "I guess he's fine. Phil didn't say otherwise. He wanted to see me and he was upset I wasn't there." Dan knows it can't be easy on Adrian, who has been desperate to see or hear from his father for ages, to know he came back and didn't even text Adrian to let him know he's alive. "He just said that Dad really, really wants to talk to me about something. Phil was a bit shaken. I don't know what's going on, exactly. I haven't spoken with Dad in, like, months. He just showed up," Dan answers honestly. He isn't like their father, he doesn't lie to Adrian. He asks, "Have you spoken with Mum? Do you know where she is? Is she at the hospital with Grandma?" Naturally, nobody tells Adrian much of anything at all, but Dan figures it's more than what Dan hears on account of him isolating himself from his family.  
14:12  
Charlie 🎄  
Adrian frowns. He can’t deny that it’s a little bit of a piss off, that after all this time and all this worry, the man comes crawling back to Dan, the one person who arguably cares about him the least. Adrian’s not stupid. He knows Dan has always had a different, more difficult relationship with their father. But sometimes he thinks Dan could at least pretend to care. “I’m not sure where mum is.” Adrian says honestly. “I figured she was with Nan today, or out running errands or something.” He shrugs. “She was here this morning.” He says. His mother is odd. She largely does what she wants without anyone else’s input. She and Dan are quite similar, he thinks. “So Dad’s coming here? Or home? I.. do you think I should go to the house and meet him?” He asks. Dan won’t go. Dan won’t check to make sure their dad is okay. He’ll catch a train and flee like he always does and Adrian will put the pieces of their family back together as best he can, like he always does.  
14:23  
May 🌈  
Dan is quiet a long moment after Adrian asks what he should do. He's so young, he's still looking for direction, even when he knows what he wants. "I don't know what he's doing. I… I would never ask you to meet him," Dan speaks softly. He can sense Adrian getting angry. If Dan wants this to go anywhere, he can't meet Adrian's anger with more anger or abandonment or whatever it is he's expecting. "Adrian, the night Dad left, I called Mum. They had gotten into a really, really big argument. He had… I mean, he beat her. She had bruises all over her face. I know that he hasn't treated you like that for a long time, and I know that you…" It's difficult for Dan to say this out loud, to be the mature one, "I know you love him. But I don't want him to hurt you. Or Mum. Or anyone. If he's using again…" Dan sighs and rubs his face, clearly struggling, "I'm just sorry. I am so sorry this is happening." Adrian doesn't understand. Dan and his mother, to an extent, protected Adrian because he was the baby. Dan can easily think of a handful of occasions in their childhood that Dan faced the brute of his father's anger so Adrian wasn't hurt, but Dan wasn't there all the time. Dan doesn't think Adrian had it easy by any means. He turned to substances at a very young age for a very good reason. "I love you. I just want you safe," Dan says sincerely.   
14:35  
Charlie 🎄  
“He’s clean, Dan. He’s been clean.” Adrian says, clearly frustrated. Dan’s trying, he knows. But Dan has been running away from this since he was younger than Adrian is now. He was 18, maybe 19 when he moved off to Manchester and left Adrian, 12 at the time, to deal with his parents alone. Adrian knew what happened. He knew that his father got angry sometimes and lashed out. Adrian has sustained the bruises like everyone else in this family. But the man tried to change, and that’s what Dan couldn’t see. He got clean, he stepped up, for a while. Their mum didn’t make it easy. There was a lot at play. “Look, go home, Dan. I know you don’t want to be here.” Adrian said. “If you go to dad you’re just going to get him all wound up again. I’ll go. You can leave.” Adrian said. If his father was back, for whatever reason, and for any amount of time, then it was likely to go just the way it had every time in the past. Dan would run. None of them would hear from him for months on end. They’d know he was alive only because he’d tweet something now and again. Their parents would once again try to make it work. It wouldn’t work. Karen would put too much pressure on her husband to be the perfect husband and father, she’d expect too much from him, tensions would rise and rise until it all boiled over again, and then he’d leave again. It was a vicious cycle that never stopped. Hadn’t stopped, for as long as Adrian could remember.  
14:47  
May 🌈  
"This is not your responsibility," Dan speaks quietly. It breaks his heart to see Adrian defending the man who has hurt him for so long. Dan got out. He doesn't understand why Adrian doesn't do the same. Is this family worth it? "How can I be here for you?" There's nothing Dan can do to keep Adrian and their mother from going back to that familiar cycle of abuse, at least it certainly feels that way. The only person Dan has ever been able to save is himself. "I want… I don't want to lose you," Dan tries. He's losing this battle like he always has and always will. "And I don't want you to feel like you have to go back to him. You don't. He is not your responsibility," Dan asserts. Adrian is a kid, he should be able to just be a kid. He shouldn't have to keep doing this. Dan wants to reach out, he just doesn't know how. There's so much hurt here. Dan and Adrian's history is complicated. They keep secrets from each other, they aren't honest with each other, and they have rarely, if ever, played on the same team. Those things are inherited, but they don't mean they can't choose something else.   
15:00  
Charlie 🎄  
Adrian’s not sure what Dan is trying to do. Why now, is he pretending to care what goes on once the front door is closed behind him? Dan can just leave, like he has so many times before, and just let the cards fall where they may. Why does he suddenly want to be here? “Doesn’t someone have to give a shit about him, Dan?” Adrian says bitterly. “You don’t. Mum doesn’t. He doesn’t just get stoned and beat us because he enjoys it, Dan! He’s fucking sick. He’s struggling. He’s hurt like the fucking rest of us! Doesn’t help that his son can’t stand him and his wife just wants him to be her idea of perfect. Someone’s gotta care about him.” Adrian said. Maybe he was too empathetic. Maybe he saw too much good in the man that raised him. Maybe he was a twelve year old boy who just desperately wanted a family, instead of a random assortment of people who never really belonged together in the first place. So what if he wanted to have some kind of relationship with a parent? Even a parent that historically wasn’t that nice to... anybody. “If you want to do something for me, you’ll talk to dad. He‘a clearly gone out of his way to hunt you down, and you know as well as I do he doesn’t do that if it’s not important.” Adrian reasons. “But you don’t want to do that. And you don’t have to. So if you want to go, go.” He said. He knew he was getting too frustrated with Dan for no good reason. But he knew how stressful this next little while was bound to be if his father was planning on coming back.  
15:13  
May 🌈  
Dan is honestly horrified to hear the things coming out of Adrian's mouth. Adrian has internalized all of their father's shit and he hasn't yet let that go. No amount of kale smoothies and 10k runs can make that pain go away. Adrian isn't making any sense anymore. He's so obviously overwhelmed. He wants Dan to see their dad, he doesn't want him to see their dad, he wants direction, he wants Dan to leave… Dan didn't do anything wrong. Adrian is just feeling overwhelmed. Dan just stays calm and takes it. "No," Dan shakes his head, his voice still quiet. He won't fight his little brother on something they should be united on. "No, nobody has to give a shit about him. He needs professional help. That isn't something you or I can give him, Ade. It doesn't matter how much you care. You can't fix him." Dan decides, "Someone has to care about you, though. I care about you." He takes a deep breath, "No matter what. I'm here for you. I love you. So… If you want me to help him, I'll set up an intervention, we'll get him into therapy if it will help you. I can't love him and I can't fix him, but I love you and I'll… I'm here for you."  
15:22  
Charlie 🎄  
Adrian is equally as horrified by Dan, if he’s honest. He doesn’t get it. Their father made mistakes. He fucked up. Adrian can see that. He won’t deny it. But does that mean he’s not worthy of love? That he doesn’t deserve to have somebody, anybody in his life who cares if he lives or dies? Is Dan seriously suggesting that? “Whatever, Dan. Do what you want.” He murmurs, standing from the sofa again. “Help me get Nan’s bed in there so I can go.” He says, moving back to the abandoned bed frame. They have to get this room put together, and then Adrian can go meet his father and find out what’s going on. Dan can go home, run away from it all, or worst case scenario, talk to their father and tell him the things he’s told Adrian today. That he needs to get professional help, so that he can get all better and still have no family to come home to. That he doesn’t deserve any ounce of basic humanity. Sure. Dan can tell him all that. Dan can see how far that gets him.  
15:31  
May 🌈  
Just like always, Dan feels helpless. Adrian is just as intense as their father. If Dan won't join him, he's better off as far away as he can go. It hurts, but Dan has to be mature and remind himself that this is just how Adrian is. He gets a hold on the stupid bed frame and helps heave it into the bedroom, wondering how one person can so fantastically fuck up so many people's day. Just minutes ago, he and Adrian were what brothers should be: happy, laughing, having fun, being silly… "I'll come with you if you want," Dan offers. "I'll just… I'll stay quiet if that would help. Just to make sure you're okay. I can be there for you if you want to see him," Dan tries again as he tries squeezing the frame through the doorway with no more than an inch of space left. "Or I'll just go be with Grandma and… I don't know, fuck things up with Mum, too, while I'm at it," he tries a joke, figuring he can't possibly make things worse with a bit of humor. Or maybe he can. At this point, Dan doesn't think anything he says has any meaning at all. For all the love Dan offers Adrian, he might as well threaten him for all Adrian gets out of the conversation. That's how their family is: communication sucks.   
15:39  
Charlie 🎄  
“Like I said, so what you want.” Adrian says coolly. He’s done arguing about it. Dan’s like talking to a brick wall. “He went looking for you anyway. Might just be disappointed if I show up.” He says. At this point, he just doesn’t know what to do. He wants to see his father, but his father doesn’t want to see him. He wants to see Dan, who wants nothing to do with him. Who wanted nothing to do with any of them until just a few days ago. Dan’s motives were hard to follow. He’d always been erratic and impulsive. He did whatever he wanted to do at any given moment. He cared only about himself. And Phil, of course. Precious Phil, who couldn’t possibly do any wrong. Nobody even knew him. He was nice enough to Adrian at the hospital, but what was so special about him that Dan would give up his entire family for him? Adrian just didn’t know what to do, or what to think, and he was just going to have to figure it out as he went along.  
15:54  
May 🌈  
Finally, the frame fits through the door, and fits into place. There's little room for anything but the bed and dresser, but they make it work. "You don't deserve that," Dan comments gently. "I'm sorry. I wish I could fix things." Dan rolls the mattress over onto the frame and starts pulling sheets on the bed is made when his grandparents return. "If you need me, just call, okay? For anything. Ever. I'm here for you," Dan reminds him determinedly. Their grandma wants Dan to love his family. He can at the very least offer that to Adrian, but that doesn't mean Adrian will accept. Adrian isn't comfortable with love, he just doesn't know it. He's comfortable with the chaos his family brings, as odd of an oxymoron that is. Dan knows he won't convince Adrian straight away, but maybe over time, Adrian will come around. Maybe someday, he'll learn that he doesn't have to accept things as they are. Things can be actually better. There are a lot of lovely people in the world who will treat Adrian better than he's ever dreamed, if only he'll learn to accept that. Maybe someday, he won't need to run a marathon to feel something.   
17:57  
Charlie 🎄  
Adrian’s isn’t sure what has changed. What has happened, to make Dan suddenly care so much? Dan has never extended those words to him before. Never offered him any type of support. So why now? Out of nowhere? It felt odd, and he didn’t like it. “You’re in a weirdly good mood today.” He says in response. Dan is all talk. He’s feeling all positive and optimistic for some reason right now, but Adrian knows that the moment he actually calls, the minute he actually needs something, he’ll get no answer. Dan doesn’t look at his phone more than once a day, unless he’s waiting for Phil to call. He doesn’t leave his ringer on in case there’s an emergency and somebody needs him. He doesn’t care. Not unless it’s about Phil. So no, Adrian won’t accept Dan’s ‘I love you’s or his offer of help, because it’s easy to say now, but when it matters, the line will be dead. “Now, are you going to talk to dad, or are you going home?” He asked. He felt he knew the answer. But he needed to know what Dan was doing so he could figure out what he should do.  
19:03  
May 🌈  
"I am in a pretty shit mood, honestly," Dan admits. "I'm different. I'm on new antidepressants, I'm stronger, and I want to be different. I don't want to abandon you if I can help it. I want to change things." The question is whether or not Dan can actually handle staying. Dan sighs in frustration, because this conversation has literally not helped Dan decide what to do at all. He decides their father will probably not stop until he gets in contact with Dan, "I'll go find Dad." The very least Dan can do is tell him to piss off and stay away from his home, stay the fuck away from his boyfriend. Dan sets up the last of his grandparents' bedroom and decides, "Mum can finish her room on her own, if she comes back. Why don't you just go home, Adrian? Stay away from Dad, you're better off going for a run instead." Dan pulls his phone out of his pocket to quickly text Phil, 'I think I'm staying a bit to find my dad. Adrian is really stressed out.' Dan rubs his face in exhaustion. He can't believe he's doing this. He doesn't know what good it will do to talk to the man, but maybe at least now, Dan can put all this to rest and just tell him to piss off once and for all.   
19:08  
Charlie 🎄  
Adrian rolls his eyes, but he begrudgingly agrees. Their father wants to see Dan. For whatever reason, he’s gotten it in his head that he needs to talk to Dan as if that will go absolutely anywhere. So if Dan wants to take that on, fine. Adrian will go home, he’ll wait an hour, and he’ll call his dad. He won’t pick up, because like Dan, he never checks his phone. But Adrian will call, he’ll leave a message, he’ll make the effort, and like always, it will get him nowhere. It’s like he’s the only person in this family who actively tries, and it just never works out. “Fine. At least tell him I said hello.” Adrian grumbles. He can’t say he’s not upset. But he’ll get over it. He’s well used to disappointment from this family by now. And if Dan pisses their father off and chases him away again, Adrian will just have to deal with that.  
19:19  
May 🌈  
Dan grabs his wallet and keys from the kitchen table and that's all, he's ready to go. But he isn't ready at all. Can Dan actually do this? Is he going to subject himself to whatever his father has to offer so his brother and mother can have just another hour without this psychopath in their lives? "Adrian?" Dan meets him at the door and brings him in for a lingering hug. Adrian doesn't deserve to be in the middle of this. Neither does Dan, but Dan is far better equipped than Adrian. He's older, he has a better support system, and he isn't going to fall for their father's bullshit. Dan can do this if anyone can. He promises, "I'll tell Dad you love him. Go for a run or something, I mean it. Go out with your friends or visit Grandma or whatever. Just don't sit at home alone all day, okay?" The last thing anyone needs is for Adrian to relapse because he doesn't know how else to cope with his father's nonsense behavior. Dan pats his back gently before letting him go, "Come on, I'll take you to the platform." Dan won't need the tube to get to his parents' house, it's close enough to walk. Dan isn't exactly in a hurry to get there, anyway.  
No amount of procrastination can really keep any significant distance between Dan and his father. Dan's timing seems to be just about perfect, as much as he hates that, as he sees his father approach the house just moments before Dan arrives. He stops a few feet behind his father, his tone obviously unhappy, "Let's, um." Dan clears his throat, "We can talk at that old diner you like. If you like." Dan thinks the worst thing he can do is stick the two of them in an empty house together, or get Karen involved.  
20:19  
May 🌈  
[We can also skip if you want! 💕]  
20:20  
Charlie 🎄  
((I don’t mind! I’ll respond in just a few minutes, I’m just a bit busy!))  
20:25  
May 🌈  
[No worries, take your time 🌟 just checking innnnn ]  
20:47  
Charlie 🎄  
Adrian is still so frustrated, so overwhelmed by all of this, but Dan’s hug, and his encouragement for Adrian to go for a run, something Dan has often teased him about in the past, does mean something to him. Things weren’t perfect. Far from it. Things were still, as they always had been, fucking awful. And maybe he’d just managed to swap one addiction for another, but being addicted to eating healthy and exercising was at least better for him than some of his more illicit coping mechanisms. He didn’t want to go back to that. And some days it took absolutely every ounce of his willpower not to. Today was going to be one of those days. So if he took any of Dan’s words seriously, he supposed it would be these ones. He would go for a run. And when he returned, hopefully his father would be willing to talk.

James couldn’t help but be a little smug. He hadn’t even knocked on the door before he heard Dan’s voice from behind him. He was right. He knew he’d find his eldest son here. He turned, butting out his cigarette against the front porch with his shoe, and faced his son for the first time in... god, it had to be half a year. He looked about the same. Unhappy. Scowling. Offering dinner, of all things. “I don’t think that’s necessary.” He shook his head, glancing his son up and down once more. “Just gonna talk. Nothing you need witnesses for.” He added, turning then to unlock the front door. “Met that boy of yours today.” He added, letting the door swing open and gesturing Dan inside. “Too soft, but he’s something.” He chuckled dryly. That’s the kind of small talk a father should make, right? Though he supposed he never really imagined he’d be talking about Dan’s... partner, in this particular sense.  
21:22  
May 🌈  
Dan doesn't take a single step forward. He will not budge here. Dan is determined to stand strong. For Phil, for Karen, for Adrian, but most importantly, for himself. Dan will not allow himself to be afraid anymore. Dan is a grown man, he will not allow his old abuser to continue controlling him. He interrupts his father when he mentions Phil, totally uninterested in anything he has to say about Dan's wonderful partner, "We can talk out here, then. I'm not going inside and we're not talking about Phil." Dan's voice doesn't shake. He doesn't need to shout, either. Looking at his father is not easy, but it's easier than it was. He will not erase Dan by denying him love. He will not hurt Dan because he has no power over him anymore. Okay, well, maybe he has a normal amount of power to hurt Dan's feelings, but Dan's feelings are always hurt, so Dan isn't too worried. "Come on," Dan instructs as he starts slowly walking away from his father. He can follow and talk, or he can let Dan go for his pride. That's James' decision to make.  
21:28  
Charlie 🎄  
For a moment, they just look at each other, in a silent standoff, each waiting for the other to budge. They’re nothing if not stubborn. Dan comes by that honestly enough, James knows. Finally, he decides to cave. He closes the door again, and rather than Follow Dan down the driveway to wherever he’s headed, he sits down in the front step. They’re going to compromise, if nothing else. Dan wants to do this somewhere public. James wants a bit more privacy. This is a good middle ground. Sitting on the front step of their home, outside, in broad daylight, where the neighbours can see, but can’t hear. That’s going to have to be good enough for both of them. But Dan’s back is still turned, and James sighs. “They take your phone, when you check into rehab.” He calls out. “No calls in, no calls out. You don’t get it at all.”


End file.
